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人生不设限·第六章 跟恐惧做朋友

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2019年06月13日

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我生平第一次,也是唯一一次打架的对象叫“恰吉”,他是我们小学头号的恶霸。他其实并不叫恰吉,只是那一头橘色乱发、脸上的雀斑和大耳朵,就跟恐怖电影里的鬼娃恰吉一个样。为了保护他,我就叫他恰吉吧。

My first and only playground fight was with Chucky, the biggest bully in my grade school. His real name wasn't Chucky, but he had fiery orange hair, freckles, and big ears like the teen-horror-movie Chucky, so I'll call him that to protect the guilty.

恰吉是第一个让我感受到深切恐惧的人。我们一辈子都在处理恐惧这个问题,无论是真实的或想象出来的。曼德拉说过,勇敢的人不是去感受恐惧,而是去战胜恐惧。每当恰吉试图扁我的时候,我是真的感受到恐惧,但战胜恐惧又是另外一回事了。

Chucky was the first person to put serious fear in my heart. We all deal with fears throughout our lives, both real and imagined. Nelson Mandela said the brave man is not the one who feels fear but the one who conquers it. I certainly felt fear when Chucky tried to knock my block off, but conquering it was another matter.

你我的恐惧都是一份礼物,但当时我不可能相信这件事。人类最基本的恐惧,例如怕火、怕跌倒、怕咆哮的野兽等,都反映到我们身上,成了生存手段。所以有这些恐惧还是值得高兴的,只是千万别让这些恐惧占了上风。

You couldn't have convinced me of it back then, but your fears and mine are really a gift. Our most basic fears, such as the fear of fire, fear of falling, and the fear of roaring beasts, are hardwired into us as survival tools. So be glad for those fears and own them, but don't let them own you.

恐惧太多不是好事。我们常常因为害怕失败或失望、害怕被拒绝,就停住不敢行动。我们并未真正去面对这些恐惧,反而对它们举白旗,然后自我设限。

Too much fear is not good. Too often our fears of failing or being disappointed or being rejected paralyze us. Rather than face those fears, we surrender to them and limit ourselves.

别让恐惧阻止你追求梦想。你应该把恐惧当作烟雾警报器,当它发出声响时,要注意观察四周有什么状况,看看是不是真的有危险,或者只是发出警告。如果没有出现真正的威胁,就把恐惧放下,继续过你的人生。

Don't let fear keep you from chasing your dreams. You should treat fear like you treat your smoke detector. Pay attention to it when it goes off—look around and see if there is real danger or just the alarm ringing. If there is no real threat, put fear out of your mind and go on with your life.

小学时期让我十分痛苦的恰吉教会我如何克服恐惧,然后向前走,不过这是在我小时候第一次,也是最后一次打架之后才有的感悟。我在学校人缘很好,就算最难搞的孩子都是我的朋友,不过恰吉显然是直接从霸王工厂出来的。他是个危险的家伙,整天在找下手的对象;他的个子比我高——不过,学校的其他人也都比我高大就是了。

Chucky, my grade-school tormentor, taught me to conquer my fear and move on, but only after the first and last fight of my childhood. I was friends with almost everyone in my school, even the tough kids. Chucky, though, was straight out of the bully factory. He was an insecure kid always on the prowl for someone to pick on. He was bigger than me, but then so was everyone else in the school.

我对任何人应该都没有威胁性。我不过是个小学一年级学生,体重不到十公斤,还坐在轮椅上。恰吉大了我好几岁,而且跟我比起来,他简直就是个巨人。

I wasn't exactly a threat to anyone. I was a mere first grader, all of twenty-two pounds, and in a wheelchair. Chucky was a couple years older and a giant compared to me.

“我赌你没办法打架。”某天早上的下课时间,他向我挑衅。

"I bet you can't fight," he said one day during morning recess.

因为朋友都在,我就一脸勇敢的样子,不过我记得那时心里其实在想:我都已经坐在轮椅上了,他的身高还相当于我的两倍,情况真的很不妙。

My friends were there, so I put on a brave face, but I remember thinking: I'm in my wheelchair, and he's still twice as tall as me. This is not a promising situation.

“我赌我能打。”这是我当时所能想到的最好回应。

"Bet ya I can" was the best response I could come up with.

我那样说并不表示我有很多打架的经验。我来自一个虔诚的基督徒家庭,从小就被教导说暴力不能解决问题。但我不胆怯,我跟弟弟和堂兄弟们可是一起练过摔跤的,我弟弟亚伦到现在都还对我的摔跤绝招津津乐道。在亚伦长得比我高大之前,我可以摔得他满地打滚,然后光用下巴就可以把他的手臂压住。

It wasn't like I had a lot of experience with fighting. I was from a strong Christian family. I'd been taught that violence was not the answer, but I wasn't a wimp. I'd done a lot of wrestling with my brother and cousins. My little brother still talks about my best wrestling move. Before Aaron grew to be much bigger and taller than me, I could roll him around on the floor and then pin his arm down with my chin.

“你那强壮的下巴几乎可以折断我的手臂呢。”他说,“不过当我长大、长高之后,只要用手推你的额头,你就没办法靠近我了。”

"You could almost break my arm off with that strong chin of yours," he says. "But then when I got older and bigger, all I had to do was push my hand against your forehead and you couldn't get near me."

这就是我面对恰吉时的问题所在。我并不是害怕跟他打上一架,只是不知道该怎么打。我看电视或电影里的人打架,通常都会拳打或脚踢,但这两个动作所需要的主要硬件我都没有。

That was the problem that I faced with Chucky. I wasn't afraid to fight him, I just didn't know how to get the job done. Every fight I'd seen on television or at the movies involved someone punching or kicking someone else. I lacked the essential hardware for both those moves.

不过这个理由好像无法让恰吉打消念头。

None of this seemed to put off Chucky.

“如果你能打,就证明给我看。”他说道。

If you can fi ght, prove it! he said.

“好,午餐时间‘椭圆’见。”我吼叫着。

"Okay, meet me on the Oval at lunchtime," I snarled.

“一言为定。”恰吉说,“你最好给我出现。”

"Done," Chucky said. "You'd better be there."

“椭圆”是一栋蛋形的水泥建筑,矗立在学校的草坪和操场中央,在那里打架,就好像在马戏团最中间那一圈打架一样引人注目。“椭圆”算是我们学校的主舞台,在那里发生的事肯定会传出去;如果我在那个地方两三下就被人家撂倒,所有人大概一辈子都忘不掉这件事。

The Oval was an egg-shaped patch of concrete in the middle of our grass and dirt playground. Fighting there was like fighting in the center ring of our school circus. The Oval was our main stage. What happened in the Oval didn't stay in the Oval. If I got whupped in the Oval, I'd never live it down.

那天上的是拼字、地理和数学课,但整个上午我都在烦恼和学校霸王的午餐约会。我单挑恰吉的消息已经无法控制地传出去了,每个人都想知道我的攻击计划是什么——其实,我自己也很想知道。

All through the morning's spelling, geography, and math classes I fretted about my lunchtime appointment with the school bully. It didn't help that word had spread throughout the school that I was taking on Chucky. Everybody wanted to know my plan of attack. I had no clue.

我一直想象着恰吉一拳就把我击倒的场面。我祈祷最好有老师发现这件事,然后在我们开打之前就来阻止。不过,我的运气没那么好。

I kept envisioning Chucky punching my lights out. I prayed that some teacher would find out and stop the fight before we started. No such luck.

让人害怕的时刻终于到了。午餐的钟声响起,我们这边的人推着我的轮椅,沉默地往“椭圆”前进。全校差不多一半的学生都在那里,有人带了午餐来,有人则是在打赌。

The dreaded hour arrived. The lunch bell sounded. My posse gathered around my wheelchair, and we rolled to the Oval in silence. Half the school was there. Some brought their lunches. A few were taking bets.

你应该猜得到,一开始大家都是赌我输。

As you might guess, I was the decided underdog in the early betting.

“准备好要打一架了吗?”恰吉问我。

"You ready to fight?" said Chucky.

我点头,但我实在不知道要怎么个打法。

I nodded yes, but I had no idea how this would go down.

恰吉也不太知道。

Chucky wasn't so sure either.

“哦,那我们该怎么做?”他问道。

Uh, how we gonna do this? he asked.

“我不晓得。”我回答。

"I don't know," I said.

“你总得离开轮椅吧?”他要求着,“你坐在轮椅里对我不公平。”

"You gotta get out of your wheelchair," he demanded. "It isn't fair with you in the wheelchair."

恰吉显然是怕我打带跑[18],这倒是给了我一个协商的切入点。打架我不在行,不过,谈判我可是挺厉害的。

Apparently Chucky feared a hit and run. This gave me a negotiating point. Fighting was not my cup of tea, but I was already a good negotiator.

“如果我离开轮椅,那你得跪着才行。”我说。

"If I get out of this chair, you have to get on your knees," I said.

单挑一个坐轮椅的,已经让恰吉被嘲笑了,因此他同意我的提议。于是,我这位强壮的对手双膝跪地,我也从轮椅上跳下来,准备迎战——如果我知道没有拳头该怎么打架的话。

Chucky was being razzed about picking on a kid in a wheelchair. He went along with my counterdemand. My stocky foe dropped to his knees, and I hopped out of my chair, ready for my big Crocodile Dundee moment—if only I could figure out how to go about fighting without fists.

我的意思是,这个总不会叫作“肩膀战”[19],对吧?

I mean, they don't call it a "shoulder fight," do they?

当我和恰吉绕着对方移动时,周围已经挤了一大群人。到这时候,我心里还在想,恰吉不会来真的吧?谁会低级到去攻击一个没手没脚的小孩子呢?

The lunchtime crowd ringed around us as Chucky and I circled each other. I was still thinking that he wouldn't possibly go through with it. Who would be so low as to hit a little kid with no arms and no legs?

我班上的女生大叫:“力克不要,他会打伤你。”

Girls in my class were crying, "Nicky, don't do it. He'll hurt you."

这句话却刺激到我了,谁要女生可怜啊?我的男性自尊进场了。我直接走向恰吉,想着可以踢他的屁股。

That got to me. I didn't want girl pity. My macho pride kicked in. I walked right up to Chucky like I knew I could kick his butt.

恰吉赏了我胸部两记硬拳,我向后跌倒,头下脚上,像一袋马铃薯似的重重摔落在水泥地上。

He gave me a double stiff arm to the chest, and I went backward arse over earlobes, flopping onto the concrete like a sack of potatoes.

我目瞪口呆!我从来不曾被这样击倒过,痛死我了!更惨的是,这实在太丢人了。同学在我身旁挤成一团,大家都吓坏了。女生更是大哭起来,紧闭双眼,不想看到这样可怜的景象。

Chucky had gobsmacked me! I'd never been knocked down like that. It hurt! But the embarrassment was far worse. My schoolmates huddled over me, horrified. Girls cried out, shielding their eyes from what they thought was a pitiful sight.

我顿时了解到,这家伙真的想伤害我。我翻过身来,额头压着地面,再用肩膀顶住轮椅,趁势让自己立起身来。这个技巧让我有个硬得起茧的额头和有力的脖子,这两样就足以迅速让恰吉落败吧。

This bloke is really trying to hurt me, I realized. I flipped over and pressed my forehead to the ground. Then I leveraged a shoulder against my wheelchair to get myself upright. This technique made for a calloused forehead and a very strong neck, qualities that would soon spell Chucky's downfall.

我很确定,恰吉对于打败我一点都不会内疚。我要么攻击,要么逃跑,但眼前我不太可能溜之大吉。

I had no doubt: Chucky had no qualms about kicking my butt. It was fight or flight, and flight wasn't a realistic option.

我重新攻向恰吉,这次还带着一股速度前进。连跳三次之后,我来到恰吉面前,不过在我还没想好下一步该怎么做之前,他一拳直接打了上来,就这样一只伸长的手臂“砰”的一声打在我胸口上。我猛然倒地,还弹起来一次——好吧,或许是两次。

I charged Chucky again, with a bit more speed behind me this time. Three hops, and I was right in front of him. But before I could think what to do next, Chucky nailed me with a straight arm. Just one arm bam to the chest, and I slammed to the ground. I even bounced once. Okay, maybe twice.

我的头结结实实地撞在冰冷无情的地面上,眼前一片黑。一个女孩的尖叫声让我恢复意识。

My head conked on the hard-hearted Oval. The world faded to black. A shrieking girl quickly brought me back to my senses.

我祈祷会有见义勇为的老师出现。为什么当你需要训导主任之类的人时,却永远找不到呢?

I prayed for the teacher cavalry. Why can you never find an assistant principal when you need one?

最后,我的视线终于清楚了些,看见邪恶的恰吉在我身边来回走动。这个肥脸的浑球儿正跳着胜利之舞。

Finally my vision cleared, and there was the evil Chucky hovering over me. The fat-faced mongrel was doing a victory dance.

我受够了。我要摆平这个家伙!

That does it. I'm laying this bloke out!

我翻转过来,腹部着地,然后用额头抵着,再一次起身,准备进行最后一击。我的肾上腺素加速分泌,这一次,我使尽吃奶的力气快速冲向恰吉,快得出乎他意料。

I flipped onto my stomach, planted my forehead, and raised myself up for a final charge. My adrenaline was pumping. This time I galloped at him as fast as I could go, which was a lot faster than Chucky had anticipated.

他开始跪着向后退。我利用左脚推进,一个飞跃,把自己像人肉飞弹一样射向他。我飞起来的头部不偏不倚地撞上恰吉的鼻子,他倒了下去。接着我降落在他身上,然后开始打滚。

He'd started to backpedal on his knees. I took a flying leap, using my left foot to launch myself like a human missile. My flying head butted Chucky smack in the nose. He went down. I landed on top of him and rolled.

当我抬头往上看时,发现恰吉整个人平躺在地上,手捂着鼻子,失控大哭。

When I looked up, Chucky was sprawled on the ground, holding his nose and bawling uncontrollably.

我感受不到胜利的喜悦,反而充满罪恶感。我这个牧师之子立刻恳求原谅:“很抱歉,你还好吗?”

Instead of feeling victorious, I was overcome by guilt. The pastor's son begged for forgiveness: "I'm so sorry, are you okay?"

“啊,恰吉流血了!”一个女孩叫了起来。

"Look, Chucky's bleeding!" a girl cried.

不会吧?我心想。

No way, I thought.

果然,恰吉的鼻血正从他粗短的手指之间流出。他拿开手,顿时血流满面,鲜红色的血还沾到他的衬衫上。

But sure enough, blood from Chucky's nose was leaking through his pudgy fingers. He took his hand away, and it poured down his face and stained his shirt in bright red.

一半的观众开始欢呼,另一半则觉得真丢人——为恰吉感到丢脸,毕竟他刚刚被一个没手没脚的家伙打败了。这件事肯定没人忘得掉,恰吉的霸王时代结束了。他用手捏住鼻子,冲向厕所。

Half the crowd was cheering. The other half was mortified—for Chucky. After all, he'd just been beat up by a shrimp with no arms or legs. He would never live this down. Chucky's bullying days were over. He pinched his nose with his fingers and scurried into the bathroom.

老实说,我再也没有见过他,他一定是羞愧得休学了。恰吉,如果你看到本文,我要跟你说对不起,也希望不再欺负别人的你,日子过得很好。

Honestly, I never saw him again. He must have quit school in shame. Chucky, if you are out there, I'm sorry, and I hope you have had a good post-bully life.

那天我捍卫了自己,觉得很骄傲,但又深感罪恶。放学后一进家门,我就跟爸爸、妈妈作检讨。本来我怕会受到严厉的处罚,结果根本不用担心,爸爸、妈妈完全不相信有这种事,他们就是不认为我有可能打败一个比我高大、年长又四肢健全的小伙子。

I was proud of sticking up for myself but burdened by guilt. After school I went home and confessed to my parents as soon as I walked in the door. I was dreading a severe punishment. But I had no need to be worried. Dad and mum didn't believe me! They simply did not think it possible that I'd beaten up a bigger, older, and fully-equipped bloke!

不过,我也没那么想让他们相信就是了。

I didn't try to convince them otherwise.

尽管很多人喜欢听这个故事,而且从某些方面来说它还蛮有趣的,但我就连提到这段往事感受都很复杂,因为我向来不崇尚暴力,我相信柔弱是被保留的力量。我会永远记得我第一次,也是唯一一次打架,因为我发现当事态变得严重时,我能够克服恐惧,尤其在那个年纪,知道自己有能力保护自己的感觉很好。我学到了我可以柔弱,因为我已经汲取了自己内在的力量。

As much as people enjoy hearing this story and as funny as certain aspects of it are, I have mixed feelings about even telling it, since I don't advocate violence. I believe meekness is strength withheld. I'll always remember my first—and only—fight because I discovered that when push came to shove, I could overcome my fears. At that age especially, it felt good to know that I had the strength to defend myself. I guess you could say I learned that I could afford to be meek because I had tapped the strength inside me.


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