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我超爱我的宝贝女儿, 但却偏偏离不开酒

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luyuna

2018年06月14日

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I soon learned as a married, stay-at-home mother that if I remained drunk about 40 percent of my waking hours, I really enjoyed it. That is not true. I did not calculate percentages. Also, I did not particularly enjoy it.

作为一位已婚的全职妈妈,我很快了解到:如果我40%醒着的时间都是喝醉的状态,那我会十分享受。但这是错的。我没有计算比例,也没有那么享受。

I would go to the store to "buy groceries for a nice dinner" and come back with a couple nice bottles of wine, for our nice dinner, which I would drink while Icooked. At our actual dinner I would have more wine and a cocktail or two. (They do not write this in the "new mom" brochure we get when they discharge us from the hospital, but perhaps they should.)

我会去商店"买一些食材准备美味的晚餐",回来的时候会带几瓶酒搭配美味的晚餐,但我在做菜的时候就会开喝。实际吃饭的时候,我会喝更多酒,还会再喝一两杯鸡尾酒。(出院时,他们没有在发给我们的"初为人母"的手册中写下这一点,但也许他们应该加上这一条。)

I drank for relief. I drank because from my first sip at sixteen, alcohol felt like peace, like coming home after a long and arduous journey. Anticipation of the day's first glass was a rush of lifted spirits within me-energy, comfort, being-and by glass number two, I began to feel the way I thought I should feel all the time.

我喝酒是为了放松。因为从16岁喝到的第一口酒开始,它就给我带来了平静,好比一段漫长而艰辛的旅程之后,我回到了家中。每天对第一杯酒的期待令我精神满满--能量、舒适、活于人间--到了第二杯,我开始觉得自己活成了自以为的那个样子。

\

Drugs would do the same, but they required such commitment- transactions with people I didn't know, dealers refusing to return my calls. After Ava was born, I was a drug dabbler. I was a fucking grown-up, after all, a mother.

毒品会带来同样的情况,但需要做出一定承诺--与陌生人做交易、贩毒者拒绝回我电话。艾娃出生后,我曾涉猎过毒品。但毕竟我是一个成年人,一位母亲。

More realistically, what saved me from narcotics was that I lived on a ranch ten miles outside an excessively vanilla college town where "partying" looked like nineteen-year-olds doing kegstands, not bumps of cocaine in bathroom stalls.

将我从毒品中拯救出来的更为现实的原因是:我住在一个牧场上,距离超大的香草大学城十英里,在那里"派对"就是19岁的大学生喝桶装啤酒,而不是在浴室里吸可卡因。

And I wasn't seeking drugs because I had alcohol, which was enough-mostly because it was reliable. You could get a bad baggie. You couldn't get a bad handle of Grey Goose. Plus, everyone drank. I could cling to alcohol like it was my last breath of air, but as long as I hid my desperation, the world would assume I was motherly, even sophisticated. They would believe the polish of laughter and smiles, as long as I never looked too excited.

我不再吸毒还有一个原因:我还有酒啊,这就足够了--主要因为酒能令我安心。你可能会买到坏的手提包。但你却不会买到坏的灰雁牌伏特加酒。另外,每个人都会喝醉。我坚持饮酒,就像它是最后一缕空气,但只要我隐瞒我的绝望,整个世界就会以为我是一位好母亲,甚至还会认为我经验丰富。他们会相信我的假笑,只要我看上去不至于太过兴奋。
 


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