如何帮助兄弟姐妹更好地相处

如何帮助兄弟姐妹更好地相处

Sibling relationships allow children to try out new social and emotional behavior, particularly when it comes to conflict.

兄弟姐妹关系允许孩子们尝试新的社会和情感行为，尤其是在发生冲突时。

Sibling rivalry is often taken as an unexamined fact of family life -- as much a part of parenting as potty training or bedtime stories.

兄弟姐妹之间的竞争常常被视为家庭生活中一个未经检验的事实——就像上厕所训练或睡前故事一样，是养育子女的一部分。

But experts say parents don't have to put up with the bickering: There are strategies and techniques to help brothers and sisters get along better, strengthening a relationship that will support them for life and make for a more harmonious home.

但专家表示，父母不必忍受争吵：有一些策略和技巧可以帮助兄弟姐妹更好地相处，加强一种能支撑他们一生的关系，使家庭更加和谐。

Given the enforced proximity that is still a reality for many as a Covid-19 winter approaches, a game plan to improve sibling relationships could be a lifesaver for struggling parents.

随着Covid-19冬季的临近，许多人仍面临被迫近距离接触的现实。考虑到这一点，一项改善兄弟姐妹关系的游戏计划可能会成为疲惫不堪的父母们的救命稻草。

"It's been part of our culture, at least in the US, to think that siblings fight. That there's going to be lots of times they don't get along. " said Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied psychology at Northeastern University in Boston.

“兄弟姐妹吵架已经成为我们文化的一部分，至少在美国是这样。他们会有很多次相处不融洽。”波士顿东北大学应用心理学教授劳里·克莱默说。

"When social lives are so restricted, families really see the value of encouraging their kids to be friends, in some respects, to be companions and playmates."

“在社交生活受到如此限制的情况下，家长们真的看到了鼓励孩子成为朋友的价值，在某些方面，成为伙伴和玩伴的价值。”

Unlike many of our relationships, we don't choose our siblings. Brothers and sisters can withstand far more negativity and behavior that simply wouldn't fly among friends, Kramer said.

与我们的许多关系不同，我们不会选择我们的兄弟姐妹。克莱默说，兄弟姐妹可以承受更多的消极情绪和行为，而这些在朋友之间是无法忍受的。

That's one reason why sibling interactions are developmentally so important. These relationships allow children to try out new social and emotional behavior, particularly when it comes to conflict, helping them learn ways to manage emotions and develop awareness of other people's thoughts and feelings.

这就是为什么兄弟姐妹之间的互动对发展如此重要的原因之一。这些关系让孩子们尝试新的社交和情感行为，尤其是在发生冲突的时候，帮助他们学习管理情绪的方法，培养对他人想法和感受的意识。

"It's helpful for children to have experiences in a very safe relationship with a brother or sister where they can work through (conflict) and learn conflict management skills that they will be able to use in other relationships in their life," Kramer said.

克莱默说:“与兄弟姐妹建立一种非常安全的关系对孩子很有帮助，他们可以在这种关系中解决(冲突)，并学习处理冲突的技巧，这些技巧他们将能够在生活中的其他关系中使用。”

So what steps should you take to help feuding siblings get along? Here are some ideas.

那么，你应该采取什么措施来帮助不和的兄弟姐妹相处呢?这里有一些建议。

Intervene or ignore?

干预或忽略?

As a rule, Caspi said, it's better to ignore simple bickering.

卡斯皮说，作为一个规则，最好忽略简单的争吵。

However, he stressed that physical violence and the name calling that often precedes it should be policed.

然而，他强调，身体暴力和在暴力发生之前的谩骂都应该制止。

"Since violence escalates incrementally in its severity, it is important that parents stop verbal violence before it becomes physical. Name calling is violence and opens the door for escalation into more severe violence."

“由于暴力的严重程度会逐步升级，父母在暴力变成身体暴力之前停止语言暴力是很重要的。谩骂是暴力行为，并为升级为更严重的暴力行为打开了大门。”

What not to do

不要做什么

The danger with intervening or involving yourself in children's disagreements is that it can backfire and fuel the fighting.

干预或介入孩子们的分歧的危险在于，它可能会适得其反，加剧争吵。

Parents tend to intervene on behalf of the younger child, which builds more resentment in the older and empowers the younger to challenge the older more frequently, Caspi said. Avoid phrases like "You're bigger, be nice!" "Be a good role model," or "She's little, let her have the toy."

卡斯皮说，父母倾向于代表年幼的孩子进行干预，这在年长的孩子身上积累了更多的怨恨，使得年幼的孩子能够更频繁地挑战年长的孩子。避免说“你这么大了，友善点!”“做个好榜样，”或者“她还小，把玩具给她吧。”

"Another reason for bickering is parents who make lots of comparisons. Parents should avoid comparing their children. Children hear the comparisons and it creates more competition and fighting," he said.

“争吵的另一个原因是父母经常攀比。父母应该避免比较自己的孩子。孩子们听到这种比较，就会产生更多的竞争和争斗。”他说。

It's also important to take complaints seriously. For example, if a child consistently complains, "It's not fair" -- something I find particularly challenging in dealing with my own daughters.

认真对待投诉也很重要。例如，如果一个孩子一直抱怨“这不公平”——我发现这在我和自己的女儿相处时特别具有挑战性。

"When children complain about fairness, parents often dismiss it ... which only confirms the sense that they are on the outside in the parent-children relationship. Acknowledge the feelings and openly discuss it," Caspi said.

“当孩子们抱怨公平的时候，父母往往会置之不理……这只能证明他们在亲子关系中处于局外人的感觉。承认这种感受并公开讨论。”卡斯皮说。

Lastly, and perhaps most crucially, both Caspi and Kramer said that it's important for parents to cut themselves some slack and take care of their own mental health. Kids can pick up on stress and tension, and this may lead to more fights.

最后，或许也是最重要的一点，卡斯皮和克莱默都说，父母应该放松自己，照顾好自己的心理健康。孩子们会受到压力和紧张的影响，这可能会导致更多的争吵。