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老友记第一季The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate

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The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]

Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?

(They all stare, bemused.)

Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

[Time Lapse]

Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

Joey: Instead of...?

Chandler: That's right.

Joey: Never had that dream.

Phoebe: No.

Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?!

Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!

[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]

Ross: (mortified) Hi.

Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

Chandler: Cookie?

Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.

Joey: Ohh.

Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)

Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!

Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica: No you don't.

Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...

Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?

Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?

Ross: Sorry.

Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?

(Ross gestures his consent.)

Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?

Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel: Hi, sure!

Ross: Hi.

(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]

Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.

Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide!

Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.

Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!

(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)

Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)

Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.

Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...

Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]

Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string. These are a few...

Rachel: I'm all better now.

Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!

Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing.

Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!

Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?

(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)

Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.

Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in!

Joey: Who's Paul?

Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?

Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?

Ross: He finally asked you out?

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.

Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...

Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!

Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?

Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...

Monica: (horrified) Really?

Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!

Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)

(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)

Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.

All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!

Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...

Ross: A wandering?

Monica: Change! Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.

Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

(Monica goes to change.)

Joey: Hey, Paul!

Paul: Yeah?

Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.

Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!

Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?

Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!

Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.

Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.

Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day.

Ross: Okay, sure.

Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]

Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]

Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.

(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)

Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.

Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.

Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?

Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.

Joey: Which goes where?

Chandler: I have no idea.

(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)

Joey: Done with the bookcase!

Chandler: All finished!

Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.

Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.

Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.

Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?

Ross: You guys.

Chandler: Oh, God.

Joey: You got screwed.

Chandler: Oh my God!

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]

Monica: Oh my God!

Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?

Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?

Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-

Monica: -leg?

Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.

Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.

Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.

Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]

Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)

[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.]

Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!

Joey: Shut up!

Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)

Ross: That only took me an hour.

Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!

Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...

Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!

Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]

Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...

Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?

Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.

Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?

Paul: Isn't there?

Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say?

Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.

Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...

Paul: It's okay...

Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?

Paul: Two years.

Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!

Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?

Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci.]

Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.

Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and talking.]

Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?

Joey: Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to Chandler)

Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats.

Joey: Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm outta here. (Exits.)

Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)

[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.]

Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.

Chandler: That is amazing.

Joey: Congratulations.

Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.

Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.

Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...

Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here.

All: Morning. Good morning.

Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning.

Joey: Morning, Paul.

Rachel: Hello, Paul.

Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?

(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.)

Paul: Thank you! Thank you so much!

Monica: Stop!

Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.

Monica: We'll talk later.

Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)

Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?

Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.

All: Okayyy! (They do so.)

Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...

Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?

Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.

Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.

Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?

Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.

Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.

Joey: Look, it was a job all right?

Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'

Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)

Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."

Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.) Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.

Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?

Rachel: Oh, yeah.

Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings.

Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.

Monica: Big time!

Rachel: Want a wedding dress? Hardly used.

Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.

Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!

Monica: What for?

Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things.

(Monica exits.)

[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]

Frannie: Hey, Monica!

Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?

Frannie: You had sex, didn't you?

Monica: How do you do that?

Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! So? Who?

Monica: You know Paul?

Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.

Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?

Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]

Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line!

Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?

Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.

Monica: I hate men! I hate men!

Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe.

Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts massaging them.)

Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know?

Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!

(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)

Rachel: Guess what?

Ross: You got a job?

Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.

Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!

Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...

Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!

Monica: How'd you pay for them?

Rachel: Uh, credit card.

Monica: And who pays for that?

Rachel: Um... my... father.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table. Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]

Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.

Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.

Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.

Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.

Rachel: Thank you.

Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

(Pause)

Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...

Monica: All right, you ready?

Rachel: No. No, no, I'm not ready! How can I be ready? "Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?" Come on, I can't do this!

Monica: You can, I know you can!

Rachel: I don't think so.

Ross: Come on, you made coffee! You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)

Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...

All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)

Rachel: Y'know what? I think we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...

Monica: Rachel! That was a library card!

All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..

Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)

Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!

[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem.]

Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?

Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.

Monica: You be okay?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?

Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.

Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.

(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.)

Ross: Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no-

Rachel: Sorry-

Ross: No no no, go-

Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it-

Ross: Split it?

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.

Rachel: I knew.

Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.

Rachel: I did.

Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?

Rachel: Yeah, maybe...

Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...

Rachel: Goodnight.

Ross: Goodnight.

(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.)

Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you?

Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.

Phoebe: (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here...

Monica: What? I-I said you had a-

Phoebe: (sings) What I said you had...

Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop?

Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again?

All: Yes!

Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt.

Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya.

Ross: There's an image.

Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee?

Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving it?

Rachel: I'm just serving it.

All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.

Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)

Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss? More coffee?

Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.) Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas.

Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-

End

 

没什么好说的!他不过是我的同事!

少来了,你和那个人一起出去!拜托,和你交往的男人一定有问题!

打住,乔伊,嘴下留德。他驼背?既驼背又带假发?

慢着,他吃粉笔吗?

 

 

我只是不想你重蹈我和卡尔的覆辙。

各位别急,这不算约会。我们不过是出去吃晚餐,而且不做爱。

听起来好像是说我的约会。

 

记得中学时代的梦,我站在自助餐厅,突然发现自己全身赤裸。

我做过那样的梦。

我低头一看,看见有一支电话……在那儿。

而不是……?

没错。

我没做过那样的梦,没有。

 

那支电话突然响起,而我不知道怎么办,每个人都开始望着我。

他们以前不看你吗?!

终于,我认为我应该接,结果是我妈打来,我感到很奇怪,因为我妈不曾打过电话给我!

嗨。

这家伙向我打招呼时我就想自杀。

你还好吧?

我感觉有人把手伸入我的喉咙,抓起我的肠子,从我的口中取出,然后绑在我脖上……

饼干?

卡罗今天把她的东西搬走了。

- 我帮你泡杯咖啡,

谢了。

 

 

不要……别清理我的灵气。可是……别碰我的灵气就是了。

好吧,保持晦气!

我会没事的,真的,我祝她幸福。

- 不,你不会的,没错,

- 我不会的,去她的,她甩掉我!

而且你一直都不知道她是女同性恋者。

没有!!行了吧?!为何大家都围着这个话题打转?连她不知道,我怎会知道。

有时真希望自己也是个女同志。我刚刚大声说出来了吗?

昨晚我告诉我父母,他们好像还挺好。

真的吗,凌晨三点我接到一个电话,一个女人歇斯底里的向我哭诉,“我不能抱孙子了,

我不能抱孙子了。”那是什么?打错了?

对不起。

别闷闷不乐了,罗斯。你现在很痛苦。我一肚子火,心如刀割。能告诉你解决之道吗?

脱衣舞酒店。你单身,有性需求。

我不想单身的。我只想再结婚。

 

 

我只想要一百万!

- 瑞秋?!

- 天啊,莫妮卡,谢天谢地!我到过你的住处,你不在。有个拿着一根大榔头的人说你可能会在这儿,结果你真的在这儿。

 

想来杯咖啡吗?

无咖啡因的。各位,她叫瑞秋,另一位从林肯高中生存下来的人。这位叫钱德勒,菲比,乔伊。还记得我哥罗斯吗?

当然。

嗨。

 

 

你想现在告诉我们,还是等伴娘来再说?

婚礼前半个小时发生了变数。我在堆放礼物的房间里,看着船形卤肉盘,非常漂亮的船形卤肉盘,突然间……

有没有代糖?我了解船形卤肉盘此巴瑞更能引起我的“性趣”,我自己都吓了一跳,

巴瑞愈看愈像猪头先生。我一直都认为他很眼熟。总之,我必须离开。我开始想,我为何这么做?我为谁这样做?于是我不知该走往何处,我知道你我日渐疏远。但是你是我在这个城市,认识的唯一一个人。

 

 

好像是唯一没受邀参加婚礼的人。

这件事就甭提啦。

 

 

我猜他送她一台管风琴,她肯定不喜欢,

金枪鱼还是鸡蛋沙拉?快决定!

我要拥有克莉丝汀拥有的一切。

爸,我不能嫁给他……对不起,我只是不爱他。对,是我的问题!

 

 

如果我没了头发,

还不如去死。

她不该穿那条裤子。

我建议推她下楼,

推她下楼!推她下楼!推她下楼!

 

爸,你听我说……大家这样评价我这一辈子:你是一只鞋……今天我倒想看看如果我不再是鞋会怎样。我说如果我想当皮包呢?

或是帽子呢?不,我不需你帮我买帽子。我说我是一顶帽子。爸,这是一种比喻。

你看他也有些问题。

爸,这是我的人生。或许我会和莫妮卡住在这儿。

我想我们已确定好谁要和莫妮卡住在这儿。

或许那是我的决定。或许我不希罕你的钱。

等一下,等一下……我说的是或许!!

深呼吸,就这样。试着想着美好的事物……

玫瑰上的雨滴,猫嘴上的胡须,门铃和雪橇之类的。啦 啦 啦……还有手套……

 

我现在好多了。

我的功劳。

或许这样最好,要自立,决定自己的事情。

 

有任何需要找乔伊准没错。我和钱德勒就住在对面,而且他经常不在家。

乔伊,少趁虚而入了,今天是她大喜的日子。

什么?有规定不能吗?

 

别再这样,声音很刺耳。

我是保罗。

天啊,6:30了吗?让他进来!

保罗是谁?调酒的那个保罗?

或许吧。

等等,你今晚该不是真的要和调酒的那个保罗约会吧?

他终于开口约你了?对。

终于被你等到了。

 

瑞秋,等等,我可以取消。

不用了,你去吧,我不会有事的。

罗斯,你没事吧。你要我留下来吗?

那样最好……

真的吗?

- 假的,去吧!是保罗,调酒师耶!

什么意思?他是卖酒的,喝酒的,还是评酒的?

请进! 保罗,这位是……

……各位,各位,他就是保罗。

保罗……调酒大师。

抱歉,我没听清楚你名字。保罗,是吗?

 

我马上就好,我去,去……

神魂恍惚啦?

换衣服!请坐,两秒钟。

我刚拔掉四根睫毛,不妙。

嗨,保罗!

嗯,有何指教?

 

一个小秘密,莫妮卡其实就喜欢这样,你摩擦她脖子的同一个地方,反反复复,直到那里开始有点发红。

乔伊你给我闭嘴!

瑞秋,你打算如何渡过今晚?

我应该在前往阿鲁巴渡蜜月的途中,因此没了!

我懂,你没去渡蜜月。虽然阿鲁巴在此时……有很多……大蜥蜴,如果你今晚不想独处,乔伊和钱德勒要到我那儿帮我组合新家俱,

对,我们都相当兴奋。

谢谢,但我今晚想待在这儿,我折磨了一天。

好吧,当然。

菲此,想帮忙吗?

我可以去,但我不去。

 

 

 

爱情似炎炎夏日中的阵雨般美妙,

love is a wondrous work of art,

but your love oh your love,your love...

is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.啦-啦-啦-啦-啦- 谢谢。

我应该用蜗杆将托架装在侧面,但我没看见托架和蜗杆,而且,我的脚好麻。

 

 

我想我们做好书架了。

真漂亮。

这是什么?

我只能说这是个“L”型托架。

是哪儿的?

我也不知道。

书架做好了!终于做好了!

这是卡罗最爱喝的啤酒。

她总是不用杯子喝,我早应该看出蛛丝马迹。

嗨…………

如果你再这样,我们就走了。

对啊,请不要破坏这里的乐趣。

罗斯,我问你一个问题。

她分得家俱,音响和好电视。

你分得什么?

你们。

天啊。

你昏头了吧。

嗯,天啊!

嗯,天啊。

我知道,我是个大白痴。

她每周看四五次牙医时我就该了解,

我指牙齿能有多干净?

我哥正承受着这种痛苦,

一副失魂落魄的样子。

你是怎么熬过来的?

你可以不小心砸烂她贵着的东西,如她的……

她的……

 ……腿?

这样也不赖!我……

我砸烂了她的表。

你真的砸烂过她的表?

哇!我做过的最坏的事情是,

我撕碎了男朋友最喜欢的浴巾。

 嗯,机智脱身。

 对啊。

巴瑞,真是对不起。

你一定认为此事与我那次说的话有关,

关于你做爱时,

穿着袜子,

其实不是,

问题出在我身上,我……

答录机又把我挂断了。

不管怎样……瞧瞧,瞧瞧,

我知道某个女孩会不可思议的,

成为凡可•巴瑞太太,

但那不是我,不是我。

而我现在连我自己是谁都不知道,

但你还应该给我一个机会向你……

我离婚啦!

我才26岁就离婚啦!

闭嘴!

你还是停下来吧!

我才花了一小时。

看啊,罗斯,你应该理解,

我们认识不是太久,

但你和一个女人相爱已经四年了,

四年的封闭和分享,

最后她把你的心都麻醉了,

这就是我们为什么不这样做!

这还不是最重要的!

你知道最可怕的是什么?

万一每个人一生只有一个女人怎么办?

我的意思是如果你只有一个女人时该怎么办?

不幸地我唯一的女人爱的是……她

你在说什么?一个女人。

那就像在说你只能吃一种口味的冰淇淋,

罗斯,告诉你吧,

冰淇淋的口种有千百种。

有各种点心糖果冰淇淋……

你可以加上小糖条或是核果,

或是奶油,

这是你一生中最美好的事。

你八岁时就结婚了吧?

欢迎来到世界! 抓住勺子!

我真的不知道自己是饥渴还是欲火焚身?

那么就别碰我家的冰箱。

自从她甩掉我之后我,

什么?…………

什么,你打算边嚼面条边讲?

不,这就像是”第五次约会真情告白”

有第五次约会?

不需要吗?

需要,我想需要的。

你刚才想说什么?

这个……呃……

自从她离开后,

我就一直无法……没做过……

……性方面的……

天啊,天啊,对不起,对不起。

没关系……

你现在需要的应该不是让人吐口水吧。

多久了?

 两年了。

哇!真高兴你砸烂了她的表!

你还想要第五次约会?

……当然想。

我们今天来这里参加

乔安妮•路易丝•坎宁安和查尔斯•

恰棋-恰棋-恰棋•阿可勒的神圣婚礼。

喔……看……乔安妮爱的是恰棋。

差别就在这儿!

抓住勺子。

知道我等着“抓这把勺子”等了多久吗?

你对”此尔,别逞英雄”这句话有感觉吗?

非常对不起!

但我要走了,

我有个约会,和

安德里亚……安吉拉……安德里亚……嗨,

安吉拉喜欢尖叫,安德里亚养猫。

对。谢谢。六月份了。我走了。

是这样的。

就算我鼓起勇气约女人出去,

但我要约谁呀?

神奇吧?我这辈子从没泡过咖啡。

真神奇。

恭喜了。

你看,我觉得只要我会泡咖啡,

就没有什么不行。

如果能侵入波兰,

就能征服一切。

如果你兴致大发想做蛋饼,

老实说我不太饿……

好啊,Lenny和Squigy来啦。

早安。早安。

早安。

早安,保罗。

 你好,保罗。

 嗨,保罗,是吗??

谢谢你!太谢谢你了!

好了!

不行,我要告诉你昨晚就像

我所有的生日,毕业典礼,

和谷仓收获季节加在一起一样。

晚点打电话。

好。谢谢。

那还不叫约会?!

那你真正的约会到底干些什么?

闭嘴,把桌子抬回去。

 好吧!

孩子们,我要上班去了。

如果我不输入那些数字……

也没什么关系……

你们大伙儿都有工作?

对,我们都有工作。

这样才有钱买东西。

对,我是个演员。

我见过你吗??

大概没见过吧。

我大部份都是在地区性的节目中演出。

等等,除非你看过小木偶的重播。

这也算是工作吧?

瞧,盖佩多,我是个活生生的小男孩。

我不会理睬这种羞辱。

你说得对,抱歉。

我曾是个小木偶……小木偶……

告诉你们,他死定了。

嗨,钱德勒?

今天感觉如何?

睡得还好吧?和巴瑞通过电话吗?

我无法停止笑。

我看得出来。

你这样子像是昨晚口中含着衣架睡觉。

我知道,他是那么……

还记得你和东尼戴马克?

记得。

就像那样。那样感觉。

你惹上麻烦了。

大麻烦!

需要婚纱吗?几乎没用过的。

我想我们有点不知所以了。

我要清醒,去工作。

整天都不想他,

或者只是清醒然后去工作。

- 祝我幸运!

为什么?

我要去找工作。

嗨,莫妮卡!

法兰妮,欢迎回来!

佛罗里达如何?

你们上床了,对不?

你怎么看出来的?

哦,我恨你,我推着我的洛兹阿姨经过帕罗丛林,

你却在做爱!

和谁呀?

认识保罗吗?

保罗,那个调酒的?

对,我认识保罗。

你认识保罗像我认识他一样?

爱说笑,

他还得谢我呢。

遇到我之前他已有两年无法入道。

显然他是骗你的!

为什么?

为什么会有人那样做?

我想答案比

”设法骗你上床”更复杂。

我恨男人!我恨男人!

不,别恨,你也不想把他们丢出宇宙吧。

问题出在我身上?

难道我有特殊气味。

只有狗和感情有严着问题的男人才闻得到。

过来,脚给我。

我以为他是个好男人。

我无法相信你不懂这是骗局。

猜猜看?

你找到工作了?

开玩笑? 我书都白念了!

今天的十二个面试全泡汤了。

不过你却异常兴奋。

换成是你,你也会一样。

如果你遇见John and David的皮靴打五折。

你真是太了解我了。

这是我的新皮靴,

我不需要工作,不需要父母,

因为我有新皮靴!

你怎么付钱?

信用卡啊。

卡费谁费?

我爸。

天啊,好啦,有必要吗?

我是说,我可以随时忍住挥霍的。

成熟点,你不能靠你爸一辈子。

我知道,所以我选择结婚。

饶了她吧,第一次独立并不轻松。

谢谢。

不客气。我记得我第一次来到纽约时的情况,

当时我十四岁,我妈刚自杀,

我继父再度入狱,

我在这儿人生地不熟。

最后我和患白化症的男人同居。

他为港务局的人清洗车窗。

后来他自杀了。

然后我找到芳香按摩治疗的工作。

所以请相信我你的心情我能体会。

你需要的是,

“无论如何”……

好的,准备好了吗?

不。不,不,我没准备好!

我怎么会准备好呢?

嗨,瑞秋!你准备好不用降落伞跳出飞机吗?

不行,我不行!

你能行的, 我知道你能行!

我不觉得.

来吧,你会泡咖啡!

你就什么都可以!

来,剪,剪,剪,剪……

你们知道吗?

我认为我们可以把它们留在那里。

只做个象征性的姿势就可以了。

瑞秋!  那是借书卡!

剪,剪,剪,剪,剪,剪,剪……

知道吗,如果你们仔细听,

你们会听到上千的商家在尖叫。

欢迎来到现实的世界。

糟透了,但你会喜欢的!

好,就到这。

你要睡在沙发上吗?

不,我要回家。

你没事吧?

还好。

嗨,看我在地板上发现什么?

什么?

那是保罗的手表。

放回原地就好了。

 好。晚安,各位。

晚安。

嗯……

对不起。- 不,不,不,走开-

吃吧,我不饿。

分开?

行。

你大概不知道我在高中时,

肯定能迷死你。

我知道。

你知道? 哦……

我总想你认为我不过是莫妮卡的书呆子哥哥。

没错。

你是否认为如果抛开其他不好的因素,

我能偶尔约你出去吗?有时?有可能?

好,或许吧……

或许我会的……

晚安。

晚安。

回头见……

等等,你怎么了?

我刚“抓住了勺子”!

我真不敢相信我的耳朵。

我真不敢相信我的耳朵。

我说你有一个……

我说你有一个……

你有完没完?

我的老毛病又犯了?

没错!

我是说你有一个不错的屁股,

但不是个了不起的屁股。

它又没跳起来咬过你,你怎么知道不是了不起。

只是想象。

谁要喝咖啡?

你煮的还只是端过来而已?

端来而已。

好,好,给我来杯咖啡。

孩子们,新梦……

我在拉斯维加斯。

嗨,小姐?加点咖啡?

嗯,劳驾,请递给那个人?

去啊。

谢谢。

对不起。好,拉斯维加斯。

我在拉斯维加斯……

我是丽莎明妮莉……

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