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老友记第一季The One With Two Parts,Part 1

所属教程:老友记第一季

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[Scene: Rift’s Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]

Chandler: This is unbelievable. It’s been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you’d be looking like a ham right about now.

(Ursula Buffay, Phoebe’s identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)

Joey: There’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?

(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)

Chandler: It’s Phoebe! Hi!

(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)

Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?

Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?

Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I’m here.

Joey: No, no... how come you are working here?

Ursula: Right, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.

Chandler: Can we start over?

Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)

Chandler & Joey: No, no, no!

Opening Credits

[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplowsare clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]

Ross: I don’t know whether he’s testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.

Rachel: No, yeah, I’ve done that.

Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.

Rachel: I’ve never done that.

(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shop’s sign—a large steaming cup of coffee.)

Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly like her sister.

Joey: I’m sayin’ I see a difference.

Chandler: They’re twins!

Joey: I don’t care. Phoebe’s Phoebe. Ursula’s... hot!

(Joey and Chandler come indoors.)

Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Let’s not do that any more.

(They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)

All: Hey guys! Hey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: Morly Safer.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!

Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.

Chandler: Your sister Ursula.

Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh...

Phoebe: Rift’s. Yeah, I know.

Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven’t talked in like years.

Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?

Joey: Not from where I was standin’.

Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?

Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don’t get along?

Phoebe: It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"

Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ve got Lamaze class.

Chandler: Oh, and I’ve got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym.

Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?

Ross: No, Susan’s gonna be there too. We’ve got dads, we’ve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.

Rachel: Well, isn’t, isn’t that gonna be weird?

Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I’m pretty comfortable with the whole situation.

Monica: Ross, that’s my jacket.

Ross: I know.

(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)

[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, who’s got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]

Woman: Hi, we’re the Rostins. Err, I’m J.C., and he’s Michael, and we’re having a boy, and a girl.

Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next?

Ross: Hi, um, I’m err, (has to clear his throat) I’m Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carol’s bulge) ..that’s, that’s my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol’s, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..who’s next?

Teacher: I’m sorry, I didn’t get... Susan is?

Ross: Susan is Carol’s, Carol’s, Carol’s, friend...

Carol: Life partner.

Ross: Like buddies.

Susan: Like lovers.

Ross: You know how close women can get.

(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)

Carol: Susan and I live together.

Ross: Although I was married to her.

Susan: Carol, not me.

Ross: Err, right.

Carol: It’s a little complicated.

Ross: A little.

Susan: But we’re fine.

Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! That’s like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.

[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.]

(Helen’s buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)

Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.

Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.

Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in.

(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting trophy from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the door.)

Nina: Hi.

Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in.

Nina: You wanted to see me?

Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I’ve just been going over your data here, and little thing, you’ve been post-dating your Friday numbers.

Nina: Which is bad, because?

Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.

Nina: Your... excuse me?

Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net...

Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus."

(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once he’s lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that he’s thinking correctly...)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]

Chandler: It’s not just that she’s cute, okay. It’s just that... she’s really really cute.

Ross: It doesn’t matter. You don’t dip your pen in the company ink.

(Marcel scampers about, interfering with the neatness.)

Monica: Ross, your little creature’s got the remote again.

Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...

(Marcel points the remote at Monica’s television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)

Monica: Great.

Ross: Relax, I’ll fix it.

Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."

Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?

Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?

(Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have outstayed their welcome.)

Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year’s... but obviously someone forgot.

Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monica’s note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?

(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.)

Chandler: Hey, where you been?

Joey: I went back to Riff’s. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.

Chandler: Score.

Joey: She is so hot!

Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah?

Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?

Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that?  Why?

Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she’d be there.

Phoebe: Well, I mean, I’m not my sister’s, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it’s true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’ve grown apart, so, um... I don’t know, why not? Okay.

Joey: Cool, thanks.

(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)

Ross: You okay?

Phoebe: Yeah I’m fine.

Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?

(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)

[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins’ pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]

Ross: Sorry.

Ross: Hi. Sorry I’m late. Where’s, where’s Carol?

Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I’ll get the information.

Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what’s going on.

Susan: Oh, good. This’ll be fun.

Teacher: Alrighty. We’re gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don’t you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummy’s head.

(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)

Ross and Susan: What? What? What?

Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy?

Ross: Okay, I’m gonna play my sperm card one more time.

Susan: Look, I don’t see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I’m a woman.

Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?

Susan: I will flip you for it.

Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!

Susan: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom.

(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susan’s lap like all the other fathers.)

Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.

(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)

Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.

(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the door.]

Chandler: Mr. D, how’s it going, sir?

Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it’s been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.

Chandler: And?

Mr. Douglas: It’s pretty ugly. We haven’t seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Mr. Douglas: Well, we’re gonna be layin’ off people in every department.

Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very –

Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?

[Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.]

Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina.

(She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.)

Nina: Are you okay?

Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please don’t hate me.

Nina: (Taking her hand away) What?

Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometime?

(Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]

Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?

Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.

Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?

Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.

Rachel: Ooh, okay... good.

(Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about them as Jamie removes her coat and scarf.)

Jamie: What is this place?

Fran: Look, you’re cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..there’s a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?

(Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)

Jamie: I think we have an answer.

Fran: What’s she doing here?

Jamie: This could be God’s way of telling us to eat at home.

Fran: Think she got fired at Riff’s?

Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies’ bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um?

Fran: I’m gonna wait till after we order. It’s her, right.

Jamie: It looks like her.

(Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)

Jamie: Um, excuse me.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Jamie: Hi, it’s us.

Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and it’s me.

Jamie: So, so you’re here too?

Phoebe: Much as you are.

Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.

Fran: Err... we know what we want.

Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, that’s good.

Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.

Fran: And some biscotti cookies.

Phoebe: Good choice.

(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women won’t see the face she pulls, and sits down.)

Jamie: Definitely her.

Fran: Yeah.

Commercial break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]

(Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off the television.)

Monica: I can’t believe you. You still haven’t told that girl she doesn’t have a job yet?

Chandler: Well, you still haven’t taken down the Christmas lights.

Monica: Congratulations, I think you’ve found the world’s thinnest argument.

Chandler: I’m just trying to find the right moment, you know?

Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldn’t be so hard, now that you’re dating. (Imitating men at their worst) "Sweetheart, you’re fired, but how ’bout a quickie before I go to work?"

(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.)

Joey: Hey.

Rachel and Chandler: Hey.

(There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)

Chandler: You know, once you’re inside, you don’t have to knock any more.

Monica: I’ll get it.

(She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)

Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.

Mr.Heckles: You’re doing it again.

Monica: We’re not doing anything. We’re just sitting around talking, quietly.

Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can’t sleep.

Rachel: You don’t even have cats.

Mr.Heckles: I could have cats.

Monica: (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles.

Rachel: We’ll try to keep it down.

(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)

Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.

Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...

Joey: Oh, no no no. It’s for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.

Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the cardigan back into the bag) ..okay, it fits.

(The others have been taking all this in.)

Rachel: Are you seein’ her again tonight?

Joey: Yep. Ice Capades.

Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I’ve never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.

Joey: I don’t know. I like her, you know. She’s different. There’s uh, somethin’ about her.

Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting circle) we get it. You like her. Great!

(The circle freezes in apprehension.)

Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.

Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it’s not okay.

Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I’m not okay with it not being okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)

Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!

(Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling Chandler’s wool.)



[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandler’s boss opens the door.]

Chandler: And that’s the Chrysler Building right there.

Mr. Douglas: Nina.

Nina: Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie.

(She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandler’s expression of alarm & guilt.)

Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Nina’s shapely departure) She’s still here.

Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didn’t I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.

(Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to remember anything to do with schizophrenia....)

Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.

Mr. Douglas: You’re kidding? She seems so...

Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all.

Mr. Douglas: That’s unbelievable.

Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.

Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know what’s goin’ on inside a person’s head.

Chandler: Well, I guess that’s why they call it psychology, sir.

(Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit what Bing has just said, but turning to follow Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling the truth, since he would not have any personal interest in the girl, would he?)

[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susan’s lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]

Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.

Teacher: Lights please? And that’s having a baby. Next week is our final class.

(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol’s doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)

Ross: Susan, go deep.

(Susan just glares back, as Ross’s inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)

Carol: This is impossible. It’s just impossible.

Susan: What is, honey?

Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin’ that. It’s just gonna have to stay in, that’s all, everything will be the same, it’ll just stay in.

Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything’s gonna be alright.

Carol: (Turning on Ross) OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? NO-ONE’S GOING UP TO YOU AND SAYING, "HI, IS THAT YOUR NOSTRIL? MIND IF WE PUSH THIS POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"

Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.

(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)

Susan: I know it’s frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it’s over, we’re all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.

(Ross is staring blankly into space.)

Susan: I mean, that’s what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?

[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]

Ross: I’m gonna be a father.

Rachel: This is just occurring to you?

Ross: I always knew I was havin’ a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.

Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you’re gonna be great!

Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can’t even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?

Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.

(Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.)

Phoebe: Where’re you going?

Joey: Out.

Phoebe: With?

Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes.

Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question?

(Joey nods his head.)

Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?

Joey: Well, not that it’s any of your business, but, no, we haven’t, okay?

(Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)

Joey: You meant sex, right?

(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend they’re not there.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]

Nina: Do you have a sec?

Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What’s up?

Nina: I don’t know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks.

Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that’s because they’re ah... jealous, of us.

Nina: Maybe. But that doesn’t explain why they keep taking my scissors.

Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that’s, ah, because you’re getting a big raise.

Nina: I am?

Chandler: Sure, why not?

Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) You’re amazing!

Chandler: Oh, you don’t know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder’s raise?

Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel?

Nina: What?

Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me?

(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]

Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything.

Rachel: Oh, how’d she take it?

Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if you’re ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.

Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.

(Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)

Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I can’t, I can’t watch.

Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, they’re gone.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Are you alright?

Phoebe: Yeah. It’s just, you know, it’s this whole stupid Ursula thing, it’s...

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he’s going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?

Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I’m not saying she’s like evil or anything. She just, you know, she’s always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn’t let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?

Monica and Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No.

Phoebe: Well, but that’s what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn’t even talk to me any more. Because he said he didn’t wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us.

Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.

Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...

Chandler: You’re not gonna lose him.

Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.

Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.

Ross: No, come on, he doesn’t know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.

Phoebe: But he’s falling in love with her.

Rachel: Oh please, they’ve been going out a week. They haven’t even slept together yet, I mean, that’s not serious.

Phoebe: Okay... Okay.

(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.

(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey’s apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey’s shirts.)

Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.

(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)

Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]

Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It’s freezing out here. Would you come back inside?

Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to reach the top of a pole) ..I’m takin’ ’em down. Okay? Whoa! (Screams.)

(Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..)

Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!

(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)

Rachel: (To Monica) I’m okay! I’m okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles's window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?

Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.

End

真是令人难以置信

已过了半个小时

如果这是卡通

你应该看起来像火腿一样

女侍在那儿

抱歉,小姐…等等

是菲比!

好的。就这样了?

等等,你来这儿干什么?

我在那儿你叫我来

所以我就来了

不,你怎么会在这儿工作?

因为这儿离我的住处很近

而且围裙也很漂亮

可以重来吗?

没问题。那我现在到那边去。

不不不……

我不知道它在考验我还是在发泄情绪

我的猴子已失去控制

它不断消除我答录机上的留言

应该是个意外

我做过这种事

它连续三天在我看报纸前

在猜字游戏上尿尿

这我没做过

看着她

告诉我她和她姐长得不一样

我看到不同之处

她们是双胞胎

我不管,菲比是菲比

乌苏拉很火辣

我们不是常谈论事情吗?

当然

咱们别再干那事了

嗨~

菲比,猜我们今天遇见谁?

哦!有趣有趣!嗯……

连恩尼逊

不是

Morly Safer

不是

剪我头发的女人

你们到底要猜多久?

你姐姐,乌苏拉

哦,真的……

她在那儿工作…瑞菲餐厅

我知道

你知道?

因为她说你们已多年不说话

她胖吗?

从我的角度看不会

你从什么角度?

菲比,你们合不来?

这只是姐妹之间的事

大家都认为她是漂亮的一个

她先学会走路

虽然我是在当天稍后学会的

对我爸妈而言那已经不新鲜了

菲比,抱歉,我得走了

我得去参加心理助产班

我得去参加地球科学班

健身房见了

你和卡萝两人去?

不,苏珊也要去

那有爸爸,女同志…全部的父母都会到

这样不是会很奇怪?

不会的,一开始或许会

但现在我已坦然面对

罗斯,那是我的外套

我知道

大家好,我们姓罗,我是洁西他叫麦可

我们有一男一女

厉害,下一位

我叫罗斯

我儿子在那儿

她叫卡罗,这位是苏珊

苏珊是卡罗的…

下一位是谁?

抱歉,我不太明白。苏珊是…

苏珊是卡萝的朋友

好象拍档,好象伙伴

好象恋人

你知道女人能有多亲近的

我和苏珊住在一起

尽管我们两个结过婚

卡萝,不是我

有点复杂了

有一点

我们还好

完全不错

双胞胎?好像要生两次哦

彼此,海伦

妮娜要见你

好的,让她进来

嗨!

妮娜!进来

你想见我?

对,我刚看过你的资料

有个小问题

你一直填迟你周五数字的日期

这样很不好

因为…

这样使我的WENUS出现问题

什么?

WENUS

每周估计净值使用统计……

净值使用统计…对

明白了!

我懂,不会再发生了

我不会做任何事伤害你的…WENUS

这不是她漂不漂亮的问题

这是…她真的真的很漂亮

都一样,兔子不吃窝边草

罗斯, 你的小动物又在玩遥控器了

马修,遥控器给罗斯

马修,你现在就把遥控器给罗斯

马修,遥控器给罗斯

这下可好

别急,我会修好的

酷!

Urkel在西班牙文中叫"Urkel"!

它是怎么办到的?

你让圣诞灯一直开着是想让我们

“快乐”一整年计划中的一部分?

不,某人应该在新年期间把它拿下

但她显然是忘了

某人应该写“瑞秋,拿下圣诞灯”

然后贴在冰…

在这儿多久了?

你上哪儿去了?

我到瑞佛餐厅去了

我想乌苏拉喜欢我 我只点咖啡

她却端给我鲔鱼和四盘的薯片

有门了

她好带劲儿

好的,不过听着

在你做一些乔伊风格的事情前,或许你可以找…

菲比

菲比,我约你姐出去你会介意吗?

为什么?你为何要那样做?

因为如果我去约会时她就会在我身边

我的意思是,我不是她

呃……

没错,我们曾待在同一颗卵子

但我们各自发育

我不知道…有何不可?

谢啦

你还好吧

还好

你还要继续看?

抱歉,我迟到了

卡萝在哪儿?

学校有事,老师和家长间的事

你可以走了,我留下来上课

不…我应该留下来

我们两个都该知道这事情是怎么样的

很好,一定会很有意思的

首先是第三阶段基本呼吸练习

各位妈妈请躺下

教练们支撑妈妈们的头

什么?什么?什么?

我该当妈?

好吧,我再打一次精子牌

我不懂为什么只因我是个女人

我就得错过教练训练

了解,你说该怎么办?

掷铜板

掷铜板?不…头…

躺下吧,妈

各位妈妈们,请深呼吸

很好,现在请想像你的阴道

像花一样绽放着

迪先生,如何?

好多了

年度净值已经算出来了

然后呢?

奇惨无此

70年代之后没这么惨过

这代表什么?

每个部门都得裁员

听着,虽然我上星期迟到

我那天睡姿不良把头发睡塌……

不是你,放松

曾经开除某人吗?

妮娜

你没事吧

当然

我今天叫你进来的原因…请别恨我

怎么了?

能约你共进晚餐吗?

菲比,你想要什么生日礼物?

我想要我妈复活和我共享人生

好吧

这样吧

想不想要“艾芙琳”的产品?

我想要浴盐

这是什么地方?

你很冷,我想尿尿,窗户上又有个咖啡杯

你就将就一点吧

我想我们有答案了

她怎么会在这儿?

老天爷明明就是叫我们回家吃饭嘛

她被瑞佛餐厅开除?

不,昨晚我们还在那儿吃饭

她不断端来剑鱼

你要去…

不,点完之后再去

是她吧?

看起来像她

抱歉?是我们

好呀,是我

你也在这儿?

和你们一样

该你了

我们知道我们要什么

很好

我们要两杯拿铁还有小饼干

不错的选择

绝对是她

我真不敢相信

你还没告诉她她失业了?

你还没把圣诞灯拿下来

恭禧你

你发现了世上最薄弱的争论

我只是在寻找适当的时机

应该不会太难找到

因为你们已开始约会

亲爱的,你被开除了

我上班前何不来个“速战速决”?

进门后就不用再敲门了

我来开

Heckles先生

你们又这么做了

我们什么都没做

我们只是坐在这儿静静地聊天

我可以透过天花板听见

我的猫睡不着

你根本没养猫

我原本有机会养

再见了,Heckles先生

我们会很小声的

菲比,帮我个忙吗?

能试穿看看吗?我想知道合不合身?

我的第一件生日礼物

这衣服真…

不,是送乌苏拉的

我想知道尺寸

好呀

合身

你今晚又和她约会?

对,去看花样溜冰

这回你是来真的

没想到你会为任何花式玩意儿付钱

我也不知道,我喜欢她

她与众不同,她有…

你喜欢?我们懂

你喜欢她,太好了

菲比,我问过你而你也同意了

也许现在不同意了

也许我对于你的不同意也不同意了

好吧!

快织,快织!好女人

克莱斯勒大楼就在那儿

妮娜

Douglas先生

不错的领带!

她还在这里?

没错,她还在

我没通知你吗?

我开除她后,接到她心理医生的电话

佛…佛林大夫

他说她一时无法适应

老实说他提到“狂暴”这两个字

她?开什么玩笑?她…

不,妮娜?她…

如果你现在问她

她根本记不得被开除这件事

难以置信

你不得不信

因此我决定暂时不再开除她

直到我确定她对自己或其他人不构成威胁为止

我了解

人的心中在想什么

别人永远无法完全了解

所以会有心理学的产生

爸妈永远忘不了这声音

这是生产的奇迹

请开灯

这一集是生宝宝

下周是我们的最后一堂课

苏珊,准备接球

这根本不可能…

怎么了?

我不做那女人做的事

我不会这么做的

他得留在我体内一切和原来一样

卡萝,不会有事的

你怎么知道?

当然不会有人对你说:

这是你的鼻孔吗?

我能将这肉块穿你的鼻孔吗?

卡萝,亲爱的。深呼吸!

我知道你很惶恐

往远处想 生产过程只是一天

结束后他这辈子都是我们的儿子

怀胎生子为的不就是这些吗?

罗斯?

我要当爸爸了

你才刚知道?

我一直都知道我有个孩子

只是不知道孩子有我

你会是个好爸爸的

你怎会知道?

我连阻止马修吃浴室垫都办不到

我如何养儿育女?

罗斯,

科学家说孩子和猴子是不一样的

哪儿去?

出去

和谁?

是的,你知道

能问你一个问题吗?

你们有没有...嘛?

不关你的事

没有,行了吗?

你是指性吧?

有空吗?

当然,什么事?

我不知道

最近大家都避开我

而且以奇怪的眼神看我

或许他们在嫉妒我们

或许吧

这无法解释他们为何拿走我的剪刀

或许是因为你被升职的缘故

我被升职了?

当然!为什么不会?

天啊,你真是太了不起了

可不是吗

海伦,能快处理

布小姐升职的手续吗?

你仍要我

拿她的心理分析结果到人事部?

什么?

海伦喝醉了

你愿意嫁给我吗?

最后我把一切都告诉她了

她的反应如何?

坦然接受

除了拿钉书机钉我之外

告诉你们,以后遇见类似的状况

切记别把手放在桌上

我想我知道该怎么做了

能把电视关掉吗?

能把他们弄走吗?我受不了了

菲比,他们走了

好的

你还好吧?

还不是乌苏拉惹的祸

菲比,我能问…

他和她约会真有那么糟吗?

对,我不是说她是很坏

她总是给我添乱!

我8岁时我不给她我的热水壶

她就把它丢在公车下

然后,有个蓝迪布朗

你们有没有过男友身兼好友的情况?

没有

我当时的状况就是如此

她把他抢走又伤他的心

他从此不和我说话

因为他说他不愿再见像她我们俩之一的

任何人

噢,菲比

我知道乔伊不是我男朋友或者热水壶

你不会失去他的

你得找乔伊谈

好的

拜托,这些事他全然不知

如果她了解你的感受……

…但他爱上她了

拜托,他们才约会一个星期

根本还没上床,八字都还没一撇呢

好吧

哦!好的好的

我们能帮你什么忙吗?

瑞秋,你在干什么?

外面好冷,进来好吗?

不…你要我把灯取下

我正在做,行吗?

天啊,瑞秋!

我没事…

Heckles先生…能帮一下忙吗?

我指的就是这种事儿

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