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老友记第一季The One With Two Parts,Part 2

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Opening Credits
[Scene: An Emergency Room, Rachel and Monica enter.  Rachel is limping and leaning on Monica for support.]
Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
(They reach the desk. The bored nurse thinks she's heard it all before.)
Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.
Nurse: My god. You still have your Christmas lights up?
(Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a form attached to a clipboard.)
Nurse: Fill this out and bring it back to me.
(Monica helps Rachel over to a vacant seat.)
Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.
(Monica starts on the form, while Rachel catches her breath and massages her ankle.)
Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay, in case of emergency, call?
Rachel: You.
Monica: Really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Oh, that is so sweet. (Touched, she puts an arm around her friend and kisses her.) Oh gosh, love you. Insurance?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that.
Monica: (No longer touched) you don't have insurance?
Rachel: Why, how much is this gonna cost?
Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.
Rachel: Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do?
Monica: Well there's not much we can do.
Rachel: (Like a big baby) Um... unless, unless I use yours.
Monica: Hah, no no no no no no no no no no.
Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?
Monica: (Looking around to check that no-one's listening, then lowering her voice anyway) That's insurance fraud.
Rachel: Well, alright, then, forget it. (Getting up to go) Might as well just go home. Ow ow ow ow!
Monica: (Jumping up to make Rachel sit down) Okay, okay. I hate this.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you. I love you.
Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm gonna need a new set of (tiny laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).
Nurse: Why?
Monica: (Tiny laugh) I am really an idiot. (Tiny laugh) you see, I was filling out my friend's form, and instead of putting her information, (tiny laugh) I put mine.
Nurse: You are an idiot. (She hands over a blank form).
Monica: (Tiny laugh) yep, that's me, (tiny laugh) I am that stupid (tiny laugh).
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, has split up his newspaper so Joey can look at the funnies, while Ross's inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has come back to haunt him.]
Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler and Joey: That's nice.
Ross: No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the baby like a football.) I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.
Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
Joey: He should take the sack?
Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.
Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
(Feeling a little better, Ross fetches more coffee.)
Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?
Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff.
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight.
Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?
(Joey begins to contemplate his ill fortune.)
Ross: You take your time.
(Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit more, then realises.)
Chandler: There it is! So what're you gonna do?
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
Chandler: And your friend Phoebe?
Joey: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?
Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.
(Joey gestures to show that he wouldn't dare...)
[Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive.   They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]
Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.
(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)
Dr. Mitchell: Okay, errrr, Monica?
Monica: Yes? (jumping as Rachel punches her arm) ..yes, she is.
Rachel (as Monica): Hi, this is my friend Rachel.
Monica (as Rachel): Hi.
Dr. Mitchell: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.
Dr. Rosen: (Smiling even more and attempting to take over) And I'm his friend, Dr.Rosen.
(Monica and Rachel smile back prettily.)
Rachel: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?
Dr. Rosen: Excuse me?
Rachel: I meant er, (struggling to concentrate) young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach.
Monica (as Rachel): Thank you.
Rachel (as Monica): Right.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey is waiting for Phoebe to arrive for her surprise birthday party.  Rachel and Monica is telling Chandler about Rachel's incident.]
Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.
Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part.
Rachel: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said "yes."
Monica: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off the dates.
Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!
Chandler: Alright, what have we learned so far?
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)
The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!
(Ross is so startled that he throws his arms up to defend himself. The box takes off, then lands with a squishy thud, its contents oozing out onto the floor. Ross is not pleased.)
Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.
Rachel: Was that the cake?
Ross: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.
Monica: Come on, she'll be here any minute.
(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the box on the coffee table.)
Rachel: I hope it's okay.
(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)
Monica: Oh...
Chandler: (Reading) "Happy Birthday Peehe."
Monica: Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out of one of those roses.
(Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.)
Ross: (Still annoyed) Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.
Phoebe: Hey, what's going on?
Ross: Oh, we just...
Phoebe's Friends: (Finally noticing the guest of honour) Surprise!
Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging people) This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room, (still happy) Where's Joey?
(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a witticism, but even he can't help...)
Chandler: Did you see Betty?
(Betty waggles her fingers to say "Hi", but Phoebe feels her birthday has been ruined by her twin.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross is having lunch with his father who is examining his next forkful.]
Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say "get out of my office!"
Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?
Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea andndash;
Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of... panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?
Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?
Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.
Mr. Geller: 'Cause there's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that?
Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a father?
Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.
(Ross is so moved by his father's charming story, that he stops eating.)
Mr. Geller: So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?
Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg.
Mr. Geller: Eat your fish.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]
Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.
Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, coming!
(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.)
Monica: Hi, come on in.
Dr. Mitchell: Hey.
Monica: Hi, Geoffrey.
Rachel: Hi.
Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine.
Dr. Mitchell: Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist?
Rachel: Oh, that's great. Look at that.
Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle?
Monica: It's uh...
(Rachel discreetly coughs to warn her.)
Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why don't you tell them? After all it, is your ankle.
Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay... (They don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to the living room) STAT!
(Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area, opening the wine bottle. Rachel checks that the doctors aren't listening, then lowers her voice anyway.)
Rachel: Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are? I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine.
Monica: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble.
Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss?
Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?
(Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)
Dr. Mitchell: So?
Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal.
Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are.
Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital... It turns into...
Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. (Baring his teeth to clean them with his finger) Go like this. (Dr. Rosen obeys.)
(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)
Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.
Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...
Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a princess...
Rachel: You know what?
Monica: What?
Rachel: You know what?
Monica: What!?
Rachel: You know what?
Monica: (getting angry) What!!?
Rachel: Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother.
(Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with glasses of wine for the cute doctors, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)
Rachel: Hello! Here we go!
Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived here?
Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago.
Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others) ..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar.
(Rachel tries to hide her alarm, but she squirms in her chair.)
Dr. Mitchell: Really?
Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don't you try the hummus?
Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do?
Rachel: (as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant uptown.
Dr. Rosen: Good for you.
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do.
Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.
Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.
Monica: (as Rachel) (Suddenly laughing) Oh, god, I am so spoiled... That's it!
(The doctors don't know what to make of all this.)
Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?
Monica: (as Rachel) I used to wet my bed.
Rachel: (as Monica) I use my breasts to get other people's attention.
Monica: (as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to point at her best friend) We both do that!
(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)
Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second... (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.
Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. (Getting up to move further away from Rachel) li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um... there's something that I've been meaning to tell you...
(Monica glares triumphantly across the room, scaring Rachel who also stands up.)
Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?
Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
(Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally not knowing which way to turn. Finally, she escapes into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philosophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the good old days at the pagan altar.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.]
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...dead!
(Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until she's distracted by Marcel as he clambers all over her nice furniture.)
Monica: Ross, he's got the remote again.
Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch it back.
(Marcel changes channel to Bugs Bunny, who is speaking in Spanish.)
Ross: Maybe not.
(Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another call, from a nurse she'd hoped never to hear from again.)
Rachel: Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her fingers at Ross who takes the remote from Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here.
(All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the receiver out as she limps quickly over to her friend, who stands up in concern.)
Rachel: It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. She says there's a problem with the form. Oh, god, oh god...
Rachel and Monica: Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do?
Monica: I don't know! Why don't you just explain? What do they want? Find out what they want!
Rachel: Okay (desperately hands the receiver over) no, you do it.
Monica: (taking the phone) Hello, this is Monica... Yeah??? Oh... (Smiles at Rachel to reassure her) Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.(Listens) Thank you. (Hangs up)
Rachel: What?
Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.
Rachel: Ohhh... (slumping in relief) Okay, you were right. You were right! This was just not worth it.
Monica: Thank you.
Rachel: Okay, let me just change.
Monica: Yes.
(Rachel goes to her room.)
Joey: (entering quietly) Hey.
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Trouble?
Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.
Phoebe: Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you?
Ross: Well did you try calling her?
Joey: I've been trying for two days. When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off.
(Phoebe wants to be angry with Joey, but as she watches him shaking his head in pain and disbelief, she knows that it isn't his fault.)
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]
Phoebe: Hey.
(Ursula turns in surprise.)
Ursula: Oh!
Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute?
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)
Phoebe: So.
Ursula: Uh-huh.
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
(She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe smiles at being able to make her point.)
Phoebe: Right, like the kind you...
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
Phoebe: How'd you know I was coming?
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
Phoebe: I can't believe you did this.
(Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar inside.)
Phoebe: I can't believe you... (holding up Joey's cardigan) ..did this.
(Phoebe's smile hardens as she packs the cardigan away.)
Phoebe: So... What's the deal with umm, you and Joey?
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)
Phoebe: Does he know?
Ursula: Who?
Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you.
Ursula: He is? Why?
Phoebe: You got me.
Ursula: Right.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
(The man gives up, shaking his head.)
Phoebe: So, um, are you gonna call him?
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
Phoebe: No, Joey.
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
Phoebe: No. No food with a face.
Ursula: You have not changed!
(Ursula's eyes dance as she laughs and smiles, simply glad to be back with her sister.)
Phoebe: Yeah, you too.
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room. The officious admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile, while Monica struggles to smile at all.]
Rachel: (as Monica) Hi, remember us?
Nurse: (Grimacing) Mmm hmmm.
Monica: (as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on the admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you see, I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh) 'cause um...
Nurse: You're that stupid.
Monica: (as Rachel) I am. I'm that stupid. (Little laugh.)
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.
Nurse: Well, you know your insurance will cover that.
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring her friend) ..I'm I'm just not that bright either.
(The girls escape with a new form.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is neglecting the game of Scrabble, for he's busily drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to help Ross. Marcel chitters about.]
Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
Ross: Do you have a point?
Chandler: You know, you think I would.
(Instead of scampering, Marcel stretches his neck as much as possible, and makes an unvoiced noise from his throat.)
Chandler: What's up with the simian?
Ross: It's just a fur ball.
Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?
Ross: Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'.
Chandler: No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'.
Ross: I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?
(The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross and Chandler look at the monkey, who is now in some distress.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, who is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.]
Ross: You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'!
(Hearing her brother's voice, Monica gets up to stand behind Chandler, followed by Rachel.)
Nurse: (angrily) You go get that animal outta here.
Ross: No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is way across town he's choking I don't know what else to do.
Monica: What's goin' on?
(Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...)
Chandler: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.
Rachel: Oh.
(..then turn back to the desk when the surprise hits them, and Ross and Chandler whip around once more. Monica and Rachel recoil slightly.)
Nurse: Excuse me... This hospital is for people!
Ross: Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy! He he touches himself when nobody's watching. Please, please have a heart!
(Ross's vigorous protest is attracting attention.)
Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him.
(Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around for a second time, in formation.)
Rachel and Monica: Oh, thank you.
Monica: Michael.
Dr. Mitchell: Rachel.
Rachel: What?
Monica: (as Rachel) Monica.
Rachel: (as Monica) Oh.
Monica: (as Rachel) Hi.
Rachel: (as Monica) Hi.
(Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but Rachel sadly looks away...)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is playing "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not" with the petals of a flower, alternately looking hopeful and annoyed. Phoebe enters, but not as herself, for she has changed the style of her hair and make-up to match that of her twin sister. She hangs up her coat, revealing her new cardigan. Nervously, she smooths out the identifying garment, approaching Joey who sits next to the main sofa.]
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.
Joey: Urse...
(Phoebe nods as he stands up in delight.)
Joey: ..ah, what're you doing here? I've been trying to call you.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...
Joey: No, no, no, don't say "listen." I know that "listen." I've said that "listen."
Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.
Joey: I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge?
(Phoebe is almost thrown by this.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Joey: You don't drink.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
Joey: Oh, Urse... (He tries to take her in his arms, but she fends him off.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.
Joey: Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Joey: (Thinking carefully) no. No, I, I couldn't do that.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
Joey: Then, uh, then I'm sorry.
(He sinks to the sofa, saddened by Ursula's ultimatum, while Phoebe follows, touched by Joey's good heart.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
Joey: I know...
(He looks up at her face and Phoebe, slipping out of character, smiles back at him. Joey's voice becomes soft and warm.)
Joey: I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or... what, but you have never looked so beautiful.
Phoebe: Really?
(Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in his hands and kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but stops suddenly. Phoebe silently shouts "Oh, whoa!!" to herself, and leans back in the sofa to recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A thoughtful Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a moment, then returns for a better view, he thinks again, cocking his head from side to side to regard her profile from various angles, then...)
Joey: Pheebs?
Phoebe: (Automatically) Yeah. Oooh... (she's sprung.)
[Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table while recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.]
Ross: He looks so tiny.
(The door bursts open, and Joey and Phoebe rush in.)
Joey: We just got the message.
Phoebe: Is he alright?
Ross: Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also found an 'M' and an 'O'.
Chandler: We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.'
(Ross does not approve of Chandler's daft theory.)
Ross: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now.
Chandler: (Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel like a dad yet?
Ross: No, why?
Chandler: Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.
(Ross does approve of this, but he's still not sure. The tiny figure stirs.)
Monica: Oh, look, he's waking up!
Ross: (Quietly) hey, fella! How you doing?
(All of a sudden, Marcel grabs Ross's finger with his whole fist, and he squeezes it, so tight, that Ross finally knows what it is to be a father. He looks up at his friends, who smile encouragingly, Rachel tenderly resting her chin upon Monica's shoulder. Ross realises that Chandler was right and he's gonna make a great dad!)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is there.  Rachel is looking out of the window and Ross is handing out some Chinese takeout.  There's a small SAP in the corner of the screen.]
Ross: Aqui est? (Here it is!)
Monica: 緼 qui閚 pidio el pollo General Tso? (Who ordered General Sal's chicken?)
Chandler: udo aver sido General Tso! (It could've been General Sal!)
(Rachel points out of the window.)
Rachel: ira, mira, el viejo desnudo est?haciendo el hula hoop! (Look, look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing the hula!)
(The others rush to the window for a look.)
All:www! (Ewww!)
(Joey enters, happy again.)
All: ola, Joey! (Hi, Joey!)
Joey: ola, amigos! (Hey, everybody!)
(Marcel grabs the remote.)
Monica: Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control remoto. (Look, Ross, Marcel's got the remote.)
Ross: o que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele! (The thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)
(Everybody laughs.)
End

 


小姐~
那是菲比
好的,就这样了?
他们是双胞胎
菲比是菲比,乌苏拉好辣
这是给乌苏拉的
当然好?  合身
马修?  遥控器给罗修
他是怎么办到的?
全是乌苏拉惹的祸
他和她约会?有这么糟吗?
你并不了解我妹妹
你得和乔依谈谈
他爱上她了
你不会失去他的
他们还没上过床  八字都还没一撇呢
哦~,需要帮忙吗?
瑞秋…
我没事,我没事~
哦哦哦,哦哦哦,哦哦哦~
你好
我朋友取下圣诞灯时,从阳台跌落
她的脚或者脚踝可能受伤了
我的天,你们的圣诞灯还亮着?
资料填后拿给我
哦哦哦,哦哦哦,哦哦哦~
好的。哦。
姓名?地址?
好的,你的紧急联系电话是?

真的?

你真好
天啊,我爱你
保险?
哦!好的!勾上它!我确实需要一些!
你没有保险?
为什么?看着病要花很多钱么?
我不知道啊。可能几百块钱吧
我们该怎么办?
没有太多办法可想
呃……除非让我用你的。
不不不不不…
等等?我的紧急连络人是谁?
这是保险欺诈……
好吧?算了……我回家
哦!哦!哦!
好吧,回来
我讨厌这么做
-谢谢!我爱你!
我需要新表格
为什么?
我真是个笨蛋!
我替我朋友填资料时
我填的不是她的资料而是我的
你真是个笨蛋
没错?这就是我
我就是那么笨!
我昨晚梦见我和我儿子在玩足球
真温馨
不?是用他打
我在球场上他们叫我以儿子做裆下开球
坦帕湾队的防守球员逐渐逼近
所以我得做出决定
坦帕湾队可是很烂啊!
没错?但只有我和我儿子
所以我想他们很可能要找我们的麻烦
所以我只好传球
什么?你疯啦?他是你儿子
难道他应该擒抱?
不管怎样,突然间我已到了场边了
我发觉我就是那个该接球的人
但我绝对来不及
于是我跑啊跑
于是我就醒过来了
我还没准备好当爸爸
你没问题的
你是全北美最细心、最有责任感的男人
你将来一定是个好爸爸的
没错?你和你儿子只是需要更好的阻挡
你们去过彩虹厅吗?  真有那么贵?
除非你要点儿什么东西
我要带乌苏拉去那里,今天是她生日
菲比的生日该怎么办?
什么时候?
今晚
哦!真是太巧了……
慢慢想吧别着急
想出来了!……
你打算怎么办?
我能怎么办?
我不想让乌苏拉不开心
你的朋友菲比呢?
如果她是我朋友希望她能谅解
要是你们,你们难道不能谅解吗?
兄弟,如果你敢在我的生日那天做这事儿
我就让你好看!
加上少量蕃红花,就能使情况完全改观
好的,嗯,摩妮卡?
是的……是的,她是!
她是我朋友瑞秋
瑞秋?我是米契尔大夫
我是他朋友罗森大夫
你当医生是否太帅了一点?
抱歉,什么?
哦,我是指年轻,是不是做医生太年轻了
说得好,瑞秋
谢谢
没错
他说这只是扭伤,就这些
哦,你忘说我们那些蠢事
才不蠢呢
这位两位帅哥大夫约我们明晚出去
而且我答应了
我觉得这太疯狂了。
我的意思是他们在医院工作啊
我们这样不是回到犯罪现场?
你知道么?我觉得我们应该取消约会!
什么?
嘿!他们可是大帅哥!他们是医生,是长得帅的医生!
好的,目前为止我们学习到什么?
哦,快快
惊喜!!
你们到底在干吗?
把我吓死了
那是蛋糕么?
对!柠檬口味
快?她随时会到
希望蛋糕没事
“生日快乐……Peehe……”
或许我们可以用玫瑰当“B”
对?用我们的特殊蛋糕工具
嘿!怎么了?
惊喜!!
哦!哦!哦!
你们真是太好了
但这一点也不可怕
大家好!贝蒂!哦!你找来了贝蒂!太棒了!
哦!天啊,我喜欢这些都在这个房间里发生
乔伊在哪里?
你看见贝蒂没?
告诉你,我现在并不介意吃这种烤干的蕃茄干
五年前如果有人说,我的蕃茄像李子
我就叫他滚出我的办公室
爸?我出生前你会紧张吗?
我不紧张,我是说如果有人对我说…
爸?我在谈小孩的事
你是否曾因为将成为父亲而紧张?
没有啊
不会?都是你妈在处理
我在忙着生意上的事情,我并没有太多时间
你找我来是为了这个?
不不,爸爸,我只是好奇
因为我们有时间弥补。我们可以一起做点事情
你一直想去威廉斯堡
我们去怎么样?
我只是想知道
你何时感觉自己像个父亲
应该是你出生那一天
我们在病房,你妈在睡觉
他们把你交给我
你当时又丑又红又小
你突然用拳头紧抓住我的手指
紧紧捏住我的手指
那时候我才感觉到
你不想去威廉斯堡?
我们可以去啊
吃你的鱼吧
瑞秋?帅哥医生来了
来了
嗨,快进来
嗨!
嗨,杰弗瑞
嗨。
我们带了一瓶酒
这是来自恩尼斯及托夫波尼酒窖
其能受得了这样的诱惑?呵呵
哦!真棒,看看
莫尼卡,脚踝怎么样了?
嗯……
你为什么不告诉他们?
毕竟这是你自己的脚踝
我感觉好多了,谢谢!
哦,你们快请坐,我给你们拿几个酒杯
好吧,快点~
好的,听者,我想我们为什么不告诉他们我们的真实身份呢?
我想不会有事的,不会有问题的
我们会惹上大麻烦的!
摩妮卡,别那么不争气!
不争气?
抱歉,我生在真实的世界之中
所以呢?  她们似乎很正常
但你得承认
每次我们和女病患约会都…
别紧张,看看四周
没有异教徒的神坛
角落里没有一堆一堆的骨头
他们不错!
嘿,你的牙齿……
我们绝不能这么做
有时候你怎么这么像个大小孩呢?
我才不幼稚呢。我发誓,每次咱们这样你都那么紧张……
是啊,每次你都像公主似的……
你知道吗?
什么?
你知道吗?
什么?!
你知道吗?
什么!!?
一天一天你愈来愈像你妈了
-来喽!
-谢谢!
这地方真不错
你住在这儿多久了?
谢谢,我住在这儿六年了
瑞秋几个月前才搬来
对,我本来应该结婚的
但我把我的未婚夫抛弃在圣坛了
真的?
是啊。
是啊是啊!我知道这很自私,但是,嘿,这就是我!
何不试试这个
摩妮卡,你从事什么工作?
我在上城区一家餐厅的总厨师
真有你的
没错
因为我喜欢指使别人
这点心不错
愿神保佑鹰嘴豆
哦,哈哈,天啊,我真是被宠坏了
就这样了
对了,我有提过我的高中吗?
我在高中是只肥猪。
我经常尿床
我以胸部吸引别人的注意
我们都一样
摩妮卡与瑞秋的公寓
等等,瑞秋,是你爸
爸?不,是我
我现在没空
但有些话我一直想告诉你
失陪一下
记得我大一的时候吗?
我和比利在你床上做爱
爸爸,爸爸……
爸,我干嘛和比利上床?
他爸想害你倒闭
你死定了
罗斯?他又拿遥控器了
很好,或许它能将功能变回来
或许不会
等等,我看看她在不在
是医院那个女人打来的
她说表格有问题
哦,天啊!天啊!怎么办?怎么办?怎么办?
我也不知道,看看她想要什么?
好吧!
不,你来问!
我是摩妮卡
好,我们马上去,谢谢
怎么了?
我们忘了签名
你说得对,我们不该这么做
谢谢
我去换件衣服
嗨……
有麻烦了?
你妹那一夜放我鸽子
真可怜
被人放鸽子的滋味不好受吧
你有打电话给她吗?
我连打了两天
打给餐厅时他们说她太忙
我不敢相信她想甩掉我
-嗨!
-哦!
有空吗?
有,我只是在工作
嗯……
哦?.
我为你买了生日礼物
你记得
是茱蒂杰森热水壶
对,像你…  对,我也有东西送你
你怎么知道我会来?
我们是双胞胎嘛
我不敢相信你会这么做
我不敢相信你会这么做!
那么,你和乔伊怎么样了?
他人很好,但我们结束了
他知道吗?
谁?
乔伊!
他对你着迷不已
是吗?为什么?
这你问倒我了……
没错
抱歉
这道菜不是有沙拉吗?
你会打电话给他吗?
你认为他喜欢我
不,是乔伊
不,他很聪明,他会了解的
想吃鸡肉吗?
不,我不吃有脸的东西
你还是没变
你也一样
记得我们吗?
是啊…………
你刚打电话要我们过来
在表格上签名?
但我们需要一张全新的表格
我又写错名字了
因为…
你就是那么笨
是啊,我就是那么笨!
我要用支票付帐
你不知道保险会给付吗?
我知道,只是我没也那么聪明
好的,想象最糟的场景
你从未感觉像个爸爸
嗯……
你儿子从未感觉你像个爸爸
他所有的关系全受这个的影响
你这话有没有重点?
应该有的
这只猴子到底怎么了?
只是毛球
好吧。该谁了?
该你了,我刚刚因为“KIDNEY”得了43分
不,你没得分
你拼的是“idney”
不,我有k,我的k在哪儿?
快帮我,我的猴子把k吞了
把你的动物带走
不,你不懂,动物医院离这儿很远
它快窒息了,我不知道该怎么办
怎么了?
马修吞了一个字母
哦!
抱歉,这是为人看病的医院
小姐,它是人,他有名字
他也看“Jeopardy”节目
没人看时它就摸自己
请你有点善心,求你了
让我来看看他
哦,谢谢
麦克
瑞秋
什么?
莫尼卡
- 哦!
- 嗨!
乌苏拉!你到这儿来干什么?我一直想给你打电话
听着,嗯……
不,别叫我听,我知道你的意思
抱歉
我不懂,你怎么了?
那些在桥下说的话你都忘了吗?
是啊,你得忘记我在桥下说过的话
我那一夜喝醉了,胡言乱语
你不喝酒
没错,我不喝酒
但我爱你爱得如痴如醉
乌苏拉
我们是没有结果的
为什么?  因为我是菲比的朋友?
如果是,你愿意不和她来往吗?
不行,我办不到
没错,就是因为她
不是她就是我
那么我只能说抱歉了
你知道,忘了你是很难的一件事
忘了你是很难的一件事
我知道
我不知是否因为分手
你从未这么漂亮过
真的?
菲比?
什么事?
它好小
我刚听说了
它没事吧?
没事了,医生已取出k了
他还发现m和o
它一定想拼字“monkey”
医生说它已无大碍,它睡着了
你有当爸爸的感觉没?
没有,干嘛问?
拜托,你办到了
有爸爸的味道了
看?它醒了
老兄?感觉如何?
谁点了Sal将军的鸡?
它本来就是属于Sal将军的
快看快看,丑陋裸男正玩呼啦圈呢!
嗨,乔伊!
大家好~~
罗斯,马修又拿着遥控器了!
看来它不喜欢这个节目
 

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