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老友记第二季The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies

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The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA: So how was Joan?

CHANDLER: I broke up with her.

CHANDLER: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.

RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge.

CHANDLER: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?

JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.

CHANDLER: You or me?

ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.

JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right?

ALL: Yeah.

JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."

PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.

CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla.

ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason.

(knock)

MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles.

MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again.

MONICA: We're not doing anything.

MR. HECKLES: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.

RACHEL: You don't have birds.

MR. HECKLES: I could have birds.

MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.

MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.

RACHEL: All right, bye-bye.

CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.

ROSS: We'll give you Janice.

PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing."

RACHEL: "Oh, my, god."

JOEY: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!"

MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.

RACHEL: We won. We won!

MONICA: Mr. Heckles.

RACHEL: How did this happen?

MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.

MONICA: That's terrible.

MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure, sweepin'. You never know.

MR. TREEGER: You never know.

PHOEBE: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!

CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.

JOEY: Such as?

PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?

ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: Nah. Not really.

ROSS: You don't believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, you know...ms, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.

ROSS: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don't buy it.

ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.

PHOEBE: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.

ROSS: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?

PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

(knock)

CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.

MONICA: What can we do for you?

MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine".

MONICA: Well, what about his family?

MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any.

RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money.

MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.

MONICA: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!

RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap?

CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap

JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this?

ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!

ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.

PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it?

ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.

PHOEBE: See, I didn't know that.

ROSS: Well, there you go.

PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?

CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."

JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.

CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.

RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.

MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.

RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.

MONICA: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.

RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff?

MONICA: You don't have any stuff.

RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?

MONICA: No.

RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.

MONICA: Mmmmm.

RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.

ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?

PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.

ROSS: Please tell me you're joking.

PHOEBE: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.

ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because--

PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.

ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears?

JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.

CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal.

PHOEBE: He's even kind of cute.

JOEY: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school.

CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles?

JOEY: That's what it says.

CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?

PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive.

CHANDLER: Whoa!

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.

JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.

CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off?

JOEY: Have you been here all night?

CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.

JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.

CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.

CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"?

JOEY: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.

CHANDLER: How do you know that? How?

JOEY: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.

CHANDLER: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?

JOEY: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?

CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand.

JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?

CHANDLER: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.

JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.

CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, it's me.

JANICE: Oh, my, god.

PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice?

CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?

ROSS: You remember Janice, right?

CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.

JANICE: Helloo!!

CHANDLER: Oh, my, god!

JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got.

JANICE: Hey, it's everybody.

CHANDLER: Janice, you're--

JANICE: Yes, I am.

CHANDLER: Is it--?

JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.

CHANDLER: Congratulations.

JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?

JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun.

MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while?

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Hide the Lamp.

RACHEL: Monica, let it go.

MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?

RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.

PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.

ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.

PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.

ROSS: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?

ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.

PHOEBE: I can't believe you caved.

ROSS: What?

PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?

RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat.

MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.

RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?

MONICA: Phoebe, tell her!

PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.

RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.

CHANDLER: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.

RACHEL: Ok, you win.

MONICA: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.

CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.

PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that?

CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

MONICA: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone.

CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.

RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.

MONICA: You are not a freak. You're a guy.

RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.

MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.

CHANDLER: In a bad way?

MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.

RACHEL: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.

PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!

MONICA: You made it!

PHOEBE: You're there!

RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment!

CHANDLER: Whoa! Don't know about that.

RACHEL: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?

MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.

RACHEL: Thank you.

MONICA: That's fine.

CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.

JOEY: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?

CHANDLER: I'll take that.

JOEY: You want his yearbook?

CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.

MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell.

RACHEL: It's really not that big!

CHANDLER: Takin' that with you, huh?

JOEY: Oh, yeah.

ROSS: You comin'?

CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.

ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"?

CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!)

END


琼安好不好?
跟她分手了
为什么?
别告诉我因为鼻孔太大?
真的超大
她打喷嚏时会有蝙蝠飞出来
没那么大
当她仰起头时我可以看到她的脑子
你到底要拒绝多少好女孩…
只是因为非常肤浅的事情?
慢着,我必须帮钱德说话
我刚搬到这里时与一个女孩交往
非常热情,很会接吻…
但是她的喉结非常大粒!
真是让我受不了
乔伊,女人没有喉结
你们是在骗我,对不对?
对,我们在骗你!
我差点上当了
你与哪个女友分手是因为正当的理由?
莫琳罗西洛
因为她不讨厌音乐家雅尼这不是个正当的理由
嗨,哈克先生
你们又来了
我们什么都没做
你们脚步声太响吓到了我的鸟儿
你没有养鸟
我们会小声一点
谢谢
我要回去继续宴客了
好,再见
对了,珍妮丝
珍妮丝可以证明我并没有乱挑剔
我们同意你与珍妮丝分手
但我蛮想珍尼斯的
嗨,钱德宝!
喔,我的天!
喔,钱德
现在就要
对了
对了!快一点!
别用扫把了!我们没有制造噪音
我们赢了
哈克先生
他们发现他抓着一把扫把
我知道
昨天我也在扫地
搞不好也会一命呜呼
扫地,真是天有不测风云
世事难料
很微弱,但我还可以感觉他在大楼里
进入光芒中,哈克先生!
好了,菲此
对不起有时候他们需要帮助
又来了
很好,嘲笑我吧
我不相信很多事情…
但这不表示就不是真的
譬如什么事?
像是玉米田图案或百慕达三角或演化论
你不相信进化论?
不真的相信
你不相信进化论?
我不知道,只是…
猴子,达尔文,很好的故事我只是觉得有点太简单
太简单?太…
这个星球上的一切生物经过数千万年…
从单细胞微生物进化而成而你说太简单?
对,我不太相信
对不起进化论不是信不信由你,菲此
进化论是科学事实就像我们呼吸的空气…
就像地心引力
别跟我提起地心引力
你不相信地心引力?
倒不是相不相信的问题
最近我感觉到…
我不是被吸住,而是被压着
被压着…
那是牛顿,他非常火大
她在那边,那里还有另一个
她在那边,那里还有另一个
他想跟你们谈谈
有何贵干?
根据我客户的遗嘱…
他要把他所有财产…
都留给楼上吵闹的女孩们
他的家人呢?
他没有家人
好,让我们看看有多少钱
好,没有半毛钱
现在,我们来签字
你是一号吵闹女孩你是二号吵闹女孩
我真不相信我们一直以为他讨厌我们
真是不可思议我们能如此感动其它人…
而自己却不知道?
看看这个猪窝?!
他痛恨我们!这是他最终的报复
我从来没看过这么多废物
我觉得这间公寓侮辱了废物的美名
看看这个
这个能给我吗?
你怎么能不相信进化论?
我不知道,就是不相信看看这条怪衬衫!
菲此我整个成年都在研究进化论
我们从世界各地搜集化石
能够证明不同物种的进化论
可以真正看到它们…
透过时间进化
真的?可以看得到?
千真万确!在美国中国,非洲,全世界
这我不知道
这就是吧
所以真的问题是谁把化石放在那里?为什么?
我的痛苦之书
嘿,这是我!
四月十七日,噪音过度
意大利佬带了女伴回家
你也在里面
四月十八日,噪音过度
意大利佬的同性恋室友带了干洗衣服回家
真是太好了
看看这盏灯
真是够俗了我们一定要带回去
我们的好台灯够多了
什么?好啦,我又不是…
要这个美女时钟或什么的
但我觉得这个也很酷
听着,它与我的东西都不搭配
那么我的东西呢?
你没有任何东西
你还是认为那是你的公寓对不对?
对,你是这么想
你把它想成是你的公寓我只是租了个房间
你支支吾吾的时候我会为我的新台灯找个地方放
菲此看我玩这些小玩具
可对立的拇指!
没有进化论怎么发展出可对立的拇指?
也许外星主宰需要拇指才能够驾驶飞碟
请说你是在开玩笑
能不能说你相信进化论而我不相信?
不行,菲此,不能这样为什么不行?
为什么非得每个人都同意你?
这是怎么回事?你知道我怎么想吗?
我想你也许应该好好检视一下罗斯这个生物了
我耳朵有没有流血?
看看这个哈克的高中同学录
他看起来好正常
甚至有点可爱
“哈克你上科学课总是让我捧腹大笑”
“你是全校最有趣的学生”
最有趣?哈克?上面是这样写的
哈克被选为班上的活宝我也是
他说得对!听听那个噪音?
的确是很吵闹
什么?
哈克在乐队演奏竖笛我也是
他参加模型俱乐部我也…
虽然我的学校没有俱乐部但我觉得模型很酷
所以你们两个都是书呆子
没什么值得大惊小怪
我觉得很怪,哈克与我…
哈克与我,我·,
我与哈克
喂,别吵好不好
你整晚都在这里?
看看这个
哈克交往过的女人照片
看看他在上面写的“薇安,太高大”
“玛姬,牙龈太多”
“玛姬,牙龈太多”
“太聪明”“吃东西发出声音”
这就是我
这就是我的作法
我会像他一样孤独终老
哈克是个神经病
我们的人生道路方向一样
我此他晚了30年佒盏愣际且谎?
愁苦城…
孤独镇,隐士村
我们应该离开这里
我请你吃早餐
要是我一直找不到伴侣?或更糟的,我已经找到了…
但我却因为她说“厚许”就甩了她?
钱德,好啦你会找到对象的
你怎么知道?
我不知道我只是想帮你下台
你们将来都会结婚…
我会孤独一人
你能不能答应我一件事?
你结婚后过节时能不能请我去玩?
我不知道我们会怎么样
要是我与妻子到我岳父母那里过节呢?
我了解
你可以过来看超级杯
每一年都来,怎么样?
我不要像这样子下场
待会见,兄弟
他们去动物园了吗?
嗨,是我
我的天
珍妮丝?你打给珍妮丝?
是的,珍妮丝
有什么难懂的?
你还记得珍妮丝吧?
是啊,她很聪明,很漂亮而且很关心我
珍妮丝是我的最后一个希望
她真是胖了不少
嗨,大家都在这里嗨,珍妮丝
珍妮丝,你…
是的,我有了
没那么好的事,钱德宝!
我已经是少奶奶了
我已经是少奶奶了
甜心,真抱歉
你不能在电话上告诉我吗?
要我错过看到你的表情?才不要!
珍妮丝喜欢乐子!
你知道我们很久没玩什么吗?
藏起台灯
摩妮卡,算了吧
你知道我对贝类过敏吗?
那么你必须吃其它的台灯
可十帅勺科学家来了
菲此,这些就是了
在这个手提箱中我带来了真正的科学证据
可算是整个提箱的证据
其中有些化石超过2亿年老
我要先告诉你我并不否定进化论
进化论只是可能性之
进化论是唯一的可能
罗斯你能不能稍稍敞开心胸?
以前最聪明的人不也相信地球是平的?
五十年前,科学家认为原子是最微小的事物
后来科学家击碎了原子于是产生了各种玩意…
难道你是如此自大…
无法承认有一点点的可能…
你们科学家也许会犯错?
是有一点点…
我真不相信你屈服了
你放弃了你的整个信仰!
以前我虽然不同意你佄抑辽僮鹁茨?
但是…
明天你要怎么继续研究?
你要如何面对其它科学家?
你要如何面对你自己?
真好玩,有谁饿了?
我饿了
我也是我去拿外套
怎么了?
这是意外,我发誓
我正在穿外套
拜托,摩妮卡!你痛恨我的台灯
突然间它就奇迹似地破了?
菲此,告诉她
我没看到因为我正在穿外套
但我想要相信你
嗨,钱德摩妮卡打破了我的贝壳台灯
真好
我会死得孤苦伶仃
好,算你赢
钱德,你不会死得孤苦伶仃
本来珍妮丝是我的安全保障
现在我必须去养一条蛇了
为什么?
如果我会成为孤独老人我需要养个东西
有个依靠
就像地铁上那个吃自己脸的人
我会成为“养蛇的疯老头”
养蛇疯子
然后我会养更多蛇当成我的子女
小孩都不敢经过我的门口
他们会叫道:养蛇疯子要来抓人了
你必须想开一点
你不会孤苦伶仃
我当然会
我甩掉了所有笨得愿意跟我交往的女孩
然后我抱怨找不到好女孩
我们所交往的男人…
就跟你所描述的一样
你没什么问题你只是个平常人
她说得对
你与其它人没什么不同
等一下,等一下他是不一样
你其实很不一样
很糟糕吗?
不,甜心,是很好的不一样
现在你知道你要什么了
大多数男人根本不知道
你准备好接受风险了准备好接受伤害,与人亲近
你不会孤苦伶仃的
你打电话给珍妮丝这证明你希望与人厮守终生
你打电话给珍妮丝这证明你希望与人厮守终生
你准备好做出承诺了
但是自己却不知道
你拿了什么?
不是你的东西而你想要打破?
我知道你喜欢这个我也要你收下它
在我们公寓会很好看
谢谢
没关系
你们会很高兴知道明天晚上我有约会
我的同事爱莉森人很不错
她又漂亮又聪明我一直…
她又漂亮又聪明我一直…
不寻常的大头
看看我,我成熟了
同学录有没有回收?
那个给我
你要他的同学录?
有人说了他的好话应该留下来
这真的很奇怪
他整个生命都在这公寓度过现在人去楼空
我想我们应该为哈克先生默哀一会儿
他是个麻烦人物佀歉鋈宋?
你们全都会下地狱
其实没有那么大!
你要拿那个走吧?没错
你来吗?
等一下
再见,哈克先生
我们会安静点
我完全学非所用
报纸上什么时候看得到“霉求哲学家”?
报纸上什么时候看得到“霉求哲学家”?
天啊,那真是个大头
在办公室看起来没这么大也许是因为灯光
我的头在公司定像个高尔夫球那么叫
不要想了快列出你喜欢她的五件事
笑容很美,衣着高雅
大头,大头,还是大头!



 

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