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老友记第三季The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel

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欢迎各位收看“伟大的发明”又播出了我们能不能别看了啊?你是否遇过这种情形?你正打算倒一杯牛奶…但却搞不开盖子?天啊,你说对了,麦克-的确有,凯文-可不可以别看了?-不行,凯文如果我告诉你有个新产品能保证…你再也不用费力打开牛奶纸盒呢?看看2000年的牛奶大师-挑起你的兴趣了吧-是啊,挑得我心痒痒的这是他第一次使用,你就知道有多容易了任何牛奶纸盒都适用!真简单!这样我就可以每天喝牛奶了真的没有好看的电影那就去看难看的电影然后在那里亲热或许你希望我转过去你们就可以靠着我的背玩?老兄,怎么了?我的经纪人问我为何今天的试演没有出席这几周来第一个好机会你怎么没转告我?告诉你,我虽然喜欢罪恶感…但不是我是的,就是他好吧,是我啦怎么会是你? 真是疯狂啊,你知道吗?钱德躲在衣橱里,倒数十秒…已经数到七了我一直找不到地方躲我一直想告诉你,我写在手上你看,全都在这儿是啊,就是我的试镜看吧,这就是为何我到处都要放便条纸对,这就是为何我们都不邀你一起玩这样有什么可怜的?再约一次时间啊艾斯特试过了,选角导演说我已经错过了机会这样太不公平了我来打给她我告诉她都是我的错不,选角导演不可能跟演员的朋友谈她只跟经纪人谈,她的生活层面真狭隘啊我知道啦…我是菲比布菲公司的凯特琳菲比可以和安谈一谈吗?她自己明白是什么事快挂断电话!安妮,你好乔伊崔此亚尼有点小问题很显然地,他错过了试演,你是转告我们公司的哪一位?艾斯特?我真不知该拿她怎么办就算丈夫离开,并放火烧房子,世界依旧照常运作还有其它人受到惊吓吗?若乔伊错失这次试演那是艾斯特的错,我不管安妮,你真善良你何时能见他?我需要笔快给这个女人一本便条纸,给她便条纸,快点!现在你就需要便条纸啦我的小男孩呢?我的小男孩在这儿还有他的芭比娃娃我儿子干嘛玩芭比娃娃?他自己在玩具店选的他很喜欢呢他去哪儿都带着它就像能给他安全感的小毯子这个却穿着雪靴和时髦的法国帽是啊,很可爱再说一次他为何要玩这个东西?他有个洋娃娃,那又怎样?除非你怕他将来长大后变成…演艺圈的人这件事跟他…被两个女人扶养长大有没有关系?好,若你能接受他喜欢芭比那我也可以把芭比给爸爸,芭比给我你要不要玩怪兽车?不要?好吧那要不要恐龙士兵?罗斯,你真可悲为何不让你的儿子玩芭比?我要去上班了有人看到我左边的胸部吗?我喜欢那部电影在这里,你在干嘛?对不起,这样很舒服去接电话我只有一只手,你应该帮我的。帮我拿件毛衣来快点接啦!是珍妮丝如果我接了我今晚就得跟她见面那太好了我今晚得跟她见面你为何不想见她?昨晚我们在吃晚餐当餐点送来时…她把一半烤鸡肉放到我盘里拿走我所有的西红柿这样很不好是因为…你不喜欢烤鸡肉吗?你不想与人分享你的西红柿西红柿对你很重要突然间,我们就是“情侣”了然后我脑袋里的警报开始大响 “为了你的人生,快跑快离开这栋大楼!”男人真是令人难以置信你们这些人是怎么回事?心中一旦产生感情就要马上逃开?我知道,那就是…就是我今晚不想去的原因我怕自己说出一些蠢话你是说男人那一套故意冷漠,保持距离…直到我们跟你们分手?嘿,你知道这事?我能怎么做?我想度过这个阶段我不想再害怕承诺就像跃过一个隧道到达另一端!就是不再害怕承诺我们有没有有没有任何想法?我没度过那种隧道啦因为…过隧道的规定是你车里不能多于一个女生但我想这和战胜其它恐惧是一个道理你怕高的话,就到大楼顶端如果你怕虫子就买台金龟车吧你的情况是,你害怕承诺…你就到那里去做一个最勇于承诺的男人令人讶异的是,很有道理呢你这么觉得?是啊,快去吧,老兄从高处跳下水!用目光击退枪枝!在风中撒尿!若我得用目光击退枪枝…我大概已经尿得到处都是了是你今天早上的试演可以借用你的电话吗?当然,这是紧急事件以及冒牌经纪人专用快,宝贝菲比布菲要回复呼叫我帮你接过去演得很好好的接通了恩,嗨,安妮,你好太好了,你成功了你问我他是否要最低工资我也不知道除非我知道,而且他也愿意太好了,你人真好我很愿意与你共进午餐!不如就下个…正经过隧道难以置信太感谢你了真有趣,我从未用过汽车电话你真了不起你能不能帮我个大忙?还有一个试演,我很想参加但我的经纪人不愿帮我安排我不知道,一次还很好玩…拜托,再一次就好了其实是两次啦两次?好啦,其实是三次拜托,你这么厉害我爱你好,就这三次了,好吗?不,是四次你今天怎么会想在家吃?因为我想送你这个东西你真是可爱呢防尘纸!一个跟你上床的人…送你防尘纸,该说什么?还有呢,你看跟它搭配的…就是你的新抽屉看,其实这个抽屉正好与我的梳妆台搭配你不用这么做啊对,我要这么做是的,我要这么做因为你是我的女朋友而女朋友就该得到这些我得求救兵了…天啊谁会想的到,有一天…钱德宾会买个抽屉给我?我可想不到但事情既然发生了就得更进一步我们应该去旅行我们该这么做?我们是情侣,情侣就该这样我还要去见你爸妈我们应该跟你爸妈一起去旅行我想不用了因为你已快把我搞迷糊了你还好吗?我很好我真的很好真是太不可思议了我一生都在害怕这个时刻但事到临头好象也没什么大不了我可能会说“我们同居吧”却还是若无其事你可能想跟我一起住?-我竟不会因此而害怕!-是啊,但我怕了!我根本还没离婚!你只是邀我来吃义大利面…而现在你就在说要住在一起的事…我其实还不太饿你知道吗?时间有点晚了我最好先…别走,我吓着你了我说太多了!对于爱情,我是无药可救笨拙却又充满渴望珍妮丝,是我我只是想在到街上追你前先跟你道歉宝贝,吃点这个,你会好受点我追上她,然后她说…这段感情发展太快我们得放慢脚步这样绝不是好现象于是我就变得…很空虚又很黏人等等,或许不算太糟你们怎么结束的?她说她会再打给我哦天啊恭喜你到我们这一国来对了,这个冰淇淋味道好烂因为这是低卡无乳脂豆浆制的假冰淇淋我们把真正的留到实在无法挽留了才吃若你一直被搞得一团糟你就要换成低脂的没错,你得这么做你不认为我已无法挽留了?不尽然,你并非无法挽留我们只要防止事情恶化好,我该打电话给她吗?这段时间很重要,一旦你发现自己的手又伸向电话…你就去买鞋子不然就洗个泡泡浴若你希望她回来你就得开始表现冷漠她必须知道你不是那么需要她所以你要做的就是…假装不经意地碰到她…然后表现得很冷漠这样我就不会失去她了?甜心,你不是个弱者啊我是说“我就不会失去她了?”看看谁来了!是玩具王国里最勇敢的人,班真正的美国英雄我是美国大兵!把芭比娃娃放下…美国大兵?你真的觉得他会喜欢那玩意儿?美国大兵?好棒,我可以玩吗?班,你看,这个玩具保护了美国海外油股!加油,大兵菲比,你在这儿啊不,我不是,抱歉菲比,等等…乔伊啊,我刚没认出你来…因为你穿着这条裤子我参加试演的小型电影有任何回音吗?我想我应该很有机会的对,他们打来了你没有人选可以吗?我是说你落选了对不起…没关系这种事本来就会发生但是不应该发生,你知道吗?你这行不好混我不想成为那个让你难过的人我没事的,你看你看起来很难过让人很害怕我很抱歉,我要辞职不,你不能辞职!你是我遇过最好的经纪人当一个演员本来就会被拒绝你不能过于自责他们说没遇过一个义大利演员有这么怪的义大利腔他们真的这么说?天啊,又是那种表情你看,我不能做这个工作这就是为何你得做这份工作经纪人都得说谎艾斯特总是说“他们要另一种方式”但是这一点嘛,我可以改进我可以学一种新的腔调好,若对你有帮助,那就好了你抓不到我,士兵不用了,谢谢你在这里干什么?只是买买东西而已你还好吗?你在装英国腔吗?再也不会了你怎么在这里买东西?你又不住在这一带你是不是在这里等我?我只是…要买一点派对用的东西大麦?什么样的派对会供应大麦?很抱歉,我的朋友不像你朋友那么有水准派对在哪里举行?就在雀儿喜是谁办的派对一个女人哪个女人?雀儿喜你要不是背着我跟别人约会…然后成了世界第一混蛋…不然就是你假装跟别人约会…让你成为最可悲的人我会立刻在此为你哭泣这两种男人,你想当哪一种?我可以当那个人吗?我们收到很多善意的拒绝,有很多地方要改进好,说吧好,那个动物园广告我没得到那个角色?他们说你简直不像个人类所以你可以针对这一点改进很好还有呢?那些小剧场的人说你很好看,可是很笨等等,对不起他们是说你非常笨这没关系真的,听我说,菲比我很感谢你…但我还是找艾斯特好吗?别误会你当经纪人当得比她好…至少我跟着她我这非常笨的脑袋还保得住是的,不,我能了解你可以吗?谢谢你抱歉等一下什么?你是不是故意编这些出来就不用当我的经纪人了?被你发现了我完蛋了我早就这么怀疑了然后我只好…把一袋大麦丢到她身上然后逃出那间店天啊,我们叫你表现冷漠不是像个笨蛋我这次真的搞砸了,对吧?这次可以吃真正的冰淇淋了吗?没错,可以了你知道吗?一切都没问题的珍妮丝,你可以等一下吗?好,我该怎么办?我不知道,这是史无前例的若我们做出像你一样的事男人绝不会再打来了我知道了,假装你刚睡醒这样就可以摆脱她了睡意惺忪的样子!对,脾气暴躁的感觉你们怎么…?别开始数小矮人的名字我很高兴你打来我知道我最近的表现很怪…那是因为我太爱你了我就变得很蠢,又很窖十9.,.然后就变得非常笨我很抱歉真的?真的?他真幸运,若珍妮丝是男的…她现在已经跟别人上床了我也爱你真是太不公平了!美国大兵…?我不知如何告诉你们但他是追这个你怎么做的?把玩具沾糖吗?听着,美国大兵获胜芭比娃娃出局了如果你们不能接受那你们就太糟糕了你干嘛这么小家子气,他有个芭比,有什么大不了?你以前都打扮得像女生什么?你以前都穿妈的衣服啊你在说什么啊?宽帽子、珍珠、粉红小手提包好,这些都是你编出来的你怎么可能不记得?你还让我们叫你“碧儿”天啊我真的从没这么快乐过不是还有一首歌吗?拜托,老天,来一首歌吧根本没有什么歌…我是碧儿我喝茶你要不要…够了你要不要…你要不要在我身旁跳舞?我是碧儿我喝茶你要不要在我身旁跳舞…罗斯!!!

The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's: everyone is there and they are watching an info-mercial that stars Joey.]

HOST: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries!

PHOEBE: Oh, oh! It's on again!

JOEY: You guys, can we please not watch this all right.

ALL: Shhhh!

HOST: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.

JOEY: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!

MIKE: And there is Kevin.

JOEY: Can we please turn this off?

RACHEL: Noo way, Kevin.

MIKE: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.

ROSS: (to Chandler) Are you intrigued?

CHANDLER: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!

MIKE: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.

JOEY: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.

(they all start laughing at him)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice are sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is sitting next to them in the chair.]

CHANDLER: Well, it's official there are no good movies.

JANICE: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. (they start to kiss and lean back into Monica.)

MONICA: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, (turns sideways on the couch) so that you can bunny bump against my back.

JOEY: (entering) Hey!

PHOEBE: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey, man. What's up?

JOEY: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?!

CHANDLER: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me.

PHOEBE: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! (they all stare at her) Okay, it was me!

JOEY: How is it you?

PHOEBE: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. (shows him her hand)

JOEY: Yep, that's my audition.

MONICA: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.

PHOEBE: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play.

JANICE: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.

JOEY: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.

PHOEBE: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault.

JOEY: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.

PHOEBE: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh (starts dialing).

JOEY: What, what are you doing? What are you doing?

PHOEBE: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on the phone in a different voice) 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.'

JOEY: Hang up, hang up. (reaches with his good arm, but Phoebe grabs it and he tries to reach the phone with his other arm but can't because of the sling.)

PHOEBE: (on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.'

CHANDLER: Is anybody else scared?

PHOEBE: (on phone) 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?' (to Monica) I need a pen. (Chandler hands her one, but she needs something to right on, so she tilts Chandler's head over and writes on the back of his neck)

CHANDLER: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!

MONICA: Oh, now you want a pad.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben]

CAROL and SUSAN: (entering) Hey!!

ROSS: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi?

CAROL: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it.

SUSAN: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret.

ROSS: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why does he have it, again?

SUSAN: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business.

CAROL: This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is being raised by two women, does it?

ROSS: You know what it's fine. If you're okay with the Barbi thing, so am I.

(cut to later in the day)

ROSS: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? (makes a monster truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur)

RACHEL: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just play with his doll? (uses the Milk Master 2000 to pour milk into her cereal)

MONICA: (entering from her bedroom) I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?

JOEY: I love that movie. (Joey is using it as a pillow)

MONICA: There it is. Joey, what are you doing?

JOEY: I'm sorry, it just felt nice.

CHANDLER: (entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! Answer the phone.

JOEY: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater.

CHANDLER: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight.

RACHEL: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice?

CHANDLER: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes.

ROSS: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata?

CHANDLER: Noo.

ROSS: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you.

CHANDLER: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'

RACHEL: Men are unbelievable.

MONICA: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away?

CHANDLER: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.

MONICA: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you.

JOEY: Hey, you know about that?!

CHANDLER: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!

(Joey looks quizzically at Ross)

ROSS: (to Joey) Where there is no fear of commitment.

CHANDLER: Do we have any...(turns around and bumps Monica's fake chest) Do we have any thoughts here?

JOEY: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs.....get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was.

RACHEL: Amazingly, that makes sense.

CHANDLER: You think?

JOEY: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!

CHANDLER: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's beeper is going off]

PHOEBE: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again?

RACHEL: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents.

JOEY: Come on baby, come on!

PHOEBE: (on phone, in 'Katelynn's' voice) 'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.'

RACHEL: Very nice touch.

PHOEBE: (in voice, on phone) 'Okay, go ahead.' (in normal voice on phone) Um, hi Annie. (listens) Fantastic! (to Joey) You got it. (on phone) Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work for scale?' you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, (Joey clears his throat to signify yes) except that I do and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next....(hangs up phone) Op, went through a tunnel.

RACHEL: Unbelievable.

JOEY: Thank you so much.

PHOEBE: It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a car phone before.

JOEY: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in.

PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time.

JOEY: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two.

PHOEBE: Two?

JOEY: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love you.

PHOEBE: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right

JOEY: Nooo, four.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Janice are having dinner]

JANICE: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?

CHANDLER: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. (hands her a present)

JANICE: Ohhh, are you a puppy! (opens it) Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper.

CHANDLER: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.

JANICE: Oh, you didn't have to do this.

CHANDLER: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get.

JANICE: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer.

CHANDLER: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip.

JANICE: We should?

CHANDLER: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!

JANICE: (laughs) I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay?

CHANDLER: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay.

JANICE: You probably want us to move in together?

CHANDLER: It doesn't scare me!

JANICE: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking about moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know what, it's getting a little late, and I-I should just, um...(starts to leave)

CHANDLER: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are comforting Chandler]

RACHEL: Honey, this will help. (hands him a tub of ice cream)

CHANDLER: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down.

RACHEL and MONICA: Uff.

MONICA: That is never good.

CHANDLER: Then I got all needy and clingy.

RACHEL: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it?

CHANDLER: She said she'd call me.

RACHEL and MONICA: Ohh! (both grab there stomachs in pain)

CHANDLER: Oh God.

MONICA: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.

CHANDLER: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.

RACHEL: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases.

MONICA: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.

RACHEL: Yeah, you do.

CHANDLER: So, you don't think I'm terminal?

MONICA: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control.

CHANDLER: Okay, okay. So, should I call her?

RACHEL and MONICA: Nooo!

RACHEL: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof.

MONICA: She has to know that your not ready.

RACHEL: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof.

CHANDLER: So I'm not, not gonna lose her?

RACHEL: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser.

CHANDLER: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'

RACHEL: Oh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.]

ROSS: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. (singing) 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.

RACHEL: G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that?

JOEY: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?

ROSS: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!

JOEY and ROSS: Go Joe!!!

PHOEBE: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees Joey and starts to leave)

JOEY: Pheebs! There you are!

PHOEBE: No it's not, sorry.

JOEY: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! (catches her in the hallway)

PHOEBE: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you wearing, in those....pants.

JOEY: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.

PHOEBE: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

JOEY: It's okay, these things happen.

PHOEBE: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.

JOEY: I'm, I'm okay. See. (tries to smile, but fails horribly)

PHOEBE: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit.

JOEY: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally.

PHOEBE: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.

JOEY: They actually said that?

PHOEBE: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I...

JOEY: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. (in a very bad Italian accent) I canna work on a new accent.

PHOEBE: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah.

ROSS: (running into the hall, in slow motion) You'll never get me, Joe!!! (he then pretends that he gets shot repeatedly and falls back against Joey and Chandler's door, dead.)

[Scene: A grocery store that Janice shops in. Chandler is on purpose, accidentally bumping into her.]

JANICE: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler makes a sound and she notices him) Chandler!

CHANDLER: (in a British accent) Hello, Janice.

JANICE: What are you doing here?

CHANDLER: (in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been?

JANICE: Are you being British?!

CHANDLER: (normal voice) No. Not anymore.

JANICE: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?

CHANDLER: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party. (grabs a bag off of the shelf)

JANICE: Barley? What kind of party serves barley?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.

JANICE: Where is this party?

CHANDLER: Here in Chelsea.

JANICE: Who's party is it?

CHANDLER: A woman's

JANICE: What woman?!

CHANDLER: (shyly) Chelsea.

JANICE: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be? (another guy walks by)

CHANDLER: Can I be that guy?

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are there]

PHOEBE: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on.

JOEY: Okay, shoot.

PHOEBE: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.

JOEY: I didn't get it?

PHOEBE: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that.

JOEY: Okay, what else?

PHOEBE: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb'.

JOEY: Oh.

PHOEBE: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.'

JOEY: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle.

PHOEBE: Oh.

JOEY: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.

PHOEBE: Yeah, no, I understand.

JOEY: You do, thanks.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave)

JOEY: Wait a minute.

PHOEBE: What?

JOEY: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent.

PHOEBE: (in a coy tone) Oh, you caught me. I am so busted.

JOEY: (in a really, really bad Italian accent) That's-ah what I suspected-ah.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is laying on the counter and Rachel and Monica are comforting him again.]

CHANDLER: ....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.

MONICA: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'.

CHANDLER: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right?

RACHEL: Yeah, it is.

MONICA: You know what, everything's gonna be okay.

(phone rings)

CHANDLER: (answering phone) Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. (to Monica and Rachel) Okay, what do I do?

RACHEL: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented.

MONICA: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call.

RACHEL: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Hello!

MONICA: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy.

RACHEL: Yes, and grumpy.

CHANDLER: What are you, stop naming dwarves! (on phone) Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, and....stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. (listens) Really?! (listens) Really?!

RACHEL: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.

CHANDLER: (on phone) I love you too.

MONICA: Aw, it's soo unfair. (they both start digging into the 'good' ice cream)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are picking up Ben, while Monica is pouring chocolate syrup, lots of it, into her ice cream.]

CAROL: G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?!

ROSS: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose.

SUSAN: What'd you do, dip it in sugar?

ROSS: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.'

MONICA: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.

ROSS: What?

MONICA: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time.

ROSS: What are you talking about?

MONICA: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag.

ROSS: Okay, you are totally making this up.

MONICA: How can you not remember? You made us call you...Bea.

ROSS: (remembering) Oh God.

SUSAN: I've literally never been this happy.

MONICA: Wasn't there a little song?

CAROL: Oh please God, let there be a song.

ROSS: There was no song. (to Monica) There was no song!

MONICA: (singing) 'I am Bea.'

ROSS: Okay.

MONICA: 'I drink tea.'

ROSS: Okay, that's, that's enough. (retreats to the bathroom)

MONICA: '....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... '

ROSS: (coming out of the bathroom) Won't you dance around with me.

MONICA: A-ha!!! (they all start laughing, as Ross hides in the bathroom)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: It's an old home movie of the Geller's backyard, young Ross is dressed up as Bea, and pouring himself/herself some tea.]

YOUNG ROSS: (singing) 'I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't you dance around with....' (spills some tea and it drips onto his/her dress) Ohhh! (runs away crying)

YOUNG MONICA: (entering the shot) Ross!!! (starts to wipe up the spill)


END

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