The One With Frank Jr.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey抯, there is lumber all over the apartment]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off?
Joey: No. Y'know how we抮e always saying we need a place for the mail.
Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler: You抮e building a post office?
Joey: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It抯 a one day job, max.
Chandler: Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing some really tight jeans) My word! Those are snug.
Joey: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente抯.
(Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the door. However, only the top half opens, and he trips into his bedroom over the bottom half.)
Joey: Power saw kinda got away from me there.
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is pacing back and forth waiting for someone.]
Rachel: (joining Phoebe outside) Hey Pheebs.
Rachel: Any sign of your brother?
Phoebe: No, but he抯 always late.
Rachel: I thought you only met him once?
Phoebe: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, 慒rank抯 always late.?br>
Rachel: Well relax, he抣l be here.
Phoebe: No, I know, I抦 just nervous. Y'know it抯 just y'know Mom抯 dead, don抰 talk to my sister, Grandma抯 been sleeping a lot lately. It抯 like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You抮e so sweet to wait with me.
Rachel: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You抮e not allowed to have cups out here, it抯 a thing. (takes her cup and goes back inside)
[Scene: inside Central Perk]
Chandler: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?
Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.
Chandler: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list.
Joey: Her what?
Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can抰 get mad.
Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
Monica: So, Chandler, who抯 on your list?
Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.
Rachel: Now, you do realize that she抯 a cartoon, and way out of your league?
Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.
Joey: Hey, Monica, who would yours be?
Monica: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list.
Joey: It抯 just a game Mon. (makes a 慍an-you-believe-her?face to the rest of the gang.) Rach, how about you?
Rachel: Oh, I don抰 know, I guess, Chris O扗onnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson.
Rachel: Hardy Boy.
Chandler: Peter Parker.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: What about you honey, who would be on your list?
Ross: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some serious thought. First, I抣l divide my perspective canidates into catergories....
Chandler: (coughing) What a geek!
Phoebe: (entering) Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank.
All: Oh, hi.
Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross.
Frank: How are you?
Phoebe: This is Monica.
Phoebe: And this is Rachel.
Phoebe: I抦 gonna get coffee.
Frank: Hey, how do you guys get anything done?
Chandler: We don抰, really.
Rachel: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans?
Phoebe: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we抮e gonna connect, y'know bond, and everything.
Frank: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.
Chandler: You know, we don抰 really take advantage of living in the city.
Joey: I know.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey抯, Joey is drilling a hole in the wall and the drill comes out the other side really close to Chandler抯 head. Chandler then rushes out to talk to Joey.]
Joey: Oh, I抦 sorry. Did I get 憏a?
Chandler: No, you didn抰 get me!! It抯 an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!
Joey: Calm down, do you want this unit or not?
Chandler: I do NOT want this unit!!
Joey: Well, you should抳e told me that before, I抦 not a mind reader. Hey, we抮e out of beer. I抦 going to Monica抯.
Chandler: Fine! (goes into his room and slams the door, then he slams the bottom half of the door.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel抯, Joey is entering]
Monica: Hey! Where 憏a headin?in those pants? 1982?
Joey: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor.
Monica: Why, what抯 wrong with my bathroom floor?
Joey: Nothing. It抯 just old and dingy, that抯 all.
Monica: I highly doubt that. (they both go to the bathroom)
Joey: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. (Monica gasps) Yeah.
Monica: I can抰 live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
Joey: Relax. Here hold this (hands her his beer). This old stuff just comes right off. (he bends down to try and lift some tile right in the middle of the floor, in his tight pants.)
Monica: That抯 a little more than I wanted to see.
Joey: (manages to pry off only a small piece) Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. It抎 take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it. (starts to walk away, but Monica grabs him)
Monica: I can抰 leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
(Joey places the toliet brush and holder over the hole, which is in the middle of the floor.)
Joey: Eh! There you go.
Monica: You know that抯 nice, y'know we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon!
[Scene: Phoebe抯, Frank and her, are sitting on the counh, watching TV]
Phoebe: (sits up) Oh, ew!
Phoebe: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldn抰, and I thought y'know, I figured that was something I got from our Dad.
Frank: What, wait, you mean like this? (does it)
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. (tries to do it, but can抰)
Frank: Your not doing it.
Phoebe: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and I can抰. We don抰 have that....
Frank: When抯 your birthday?
Phoebe: Feburary 16th.
Frank: I know a guy who抯 the 18th.
Phoebe: Wow, that抯 close. When抯 yours?
Frank: October 25th.
b>Phoebe: That抯 the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home?
Frank: Melt stuff.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is working on his list]
Ross: Okay, I抳e got three of my five.
Rachel: Three of your five, what?
Ross: Celebrities I抦 allowed to sleep with.
Rachel: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought.
Ross: Yeah, it抯 hard okay, I only have two spots left.
Chandler: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?
Ross: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely....
Chandler: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving.
Ross: Susan Sarandon.
Chandler: Eh, y'know what, she抯 to political, she probably wouldn抰 let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first.
Ross: And!! Isabella Rosselini.
Chandler: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she抯 too international, y'know she抯 never gonna be around.
Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who抯 gonna be in the country like all the time.
Rachel: Yeah, 慶ause that抯 why you won抰 get Isabella Rosselini, geography.
[Scene: Phoebe抯, Frank is melting a plastic spoon.]
Phoebe: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.
Phoebe: So is it like art?
Frank: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone?
Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom?
Frank: No, I wanna melt it.
Phoebe: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I抦 just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache.
Frank: (starts laughing) Yeah!
Phoebe: G抧ight, bro.
Phoebe: Here. (gives him a fire extinguisher) Y'know, just in case.
Frank: Oh, excellent. (starts to melt the fire extinguisher抯 hose.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel抯, Phoebe is eating breakfast with Monica while Frank is playing with num-chucks on the balcony]
Monica: What kind of karate is that?
Phoebe: No kind. He just makes it up.
Monica: So how抯 it going with you guys?
Phoebe: So far, it kinda blows. I don抰 know, I just thought y'know that he抎 feel more like a brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and connected and....
Monica: Oh honey, we抮e close now but you-you wouldn抰 believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and....(Phoebe shakes her head like she doesn抰 understand) That抯 where the waistband actually goes over your head.
Monica: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.
Phoebe: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
Monica: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
Phoebe: I just asked you.
Monica: I just asked you.
Phoebe: I don抰 have time for this.
Monica: No, that is what the game is.
Phoebe: Which you just gave up really quickly.
Chandler: (entering) Have you seen Joey?
Monica: What抯 the matter?
Chandler: Oh, just this! (turns around and has a paint lid stuck to the back of his pants.) Y択now what it抯 my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish.
Joey: (yelling from bathroom) Hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles.
Chandler: What抯 going on?
Monica: He抯 retiling my floor. (they both run to the bathroom)
Chandler: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up!
Monica: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it.
Chandler: He started mine first!
Phoebe: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly.
[Scene: Phoebe抯, Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.]
Frank: Whoa! Big octopus.
Phoebe: Yeah. (phone rings and Phoebe answers it) 慔ello. (listens) Oh my God, I totally forgot! (listens) Well can抰 someone else do it. (listens) But, I have company. (listens) Yeah, no look, that抯 all right I抣l come in.?(hangs up phone) Um, Frank, I抦 really sorry but I have to go to work. It抯-it抯 one of my regulars and he抯 insisting that I do 憉m.
Frank: Hey, what kind of work do you do?
Phoebe: Oh! I抦 a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff.
Frank: You-you work at one of those massage parlors?
Phoebe: Well, y'know we don抰 call it that, but yeah!
Frank: (starts laughing) Wow! That抯 wild! No, I had no idea.
Phoebe: All righty. I抣l be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me?
Frank: You mean like watch?
Phoebe: No, no, you can get one yourself. It抣l be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for?
Frank: Well, I don抰 think this, y'know.
Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldn抰 do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I抣l get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited?
Frank: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel抯 bathroom, Joey and Monica are admiring the new floor.]
Monica: It抯 beautiful! It抯 like the first bathroom floor there ever was. (Chandler tries to go to the bathroom) Whoa! Are you going in there for?
Chandler: What, like a number?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hi! Bye! (runs to the bathroom)
Ross: Okay, I抦 done with my choices, these are final. (holds up a little card)
Rachel: Well, it抯 about time.
Joey: Ooh, very official.
Ross: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer.
Monica: And who laminated it?
Ross: That would be me.
Rachel: All right let me see. (grabs the card) Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel?
Ross: Hey, it抯 my list.
Rachel: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice.
[Scene: Healing Hands Inc. (Phoebe抯 work), Frank is being ushered in, by the arm, to the room Phoebe is in by another girl.]
Frank: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow!
Phoebe: Hey!-Hey! What抯 going on?
Frank: She broke my arm.
Girl: He touched my fanny.
Frank: No, she touched mine first!
Girl: That抯 my job!
Frank: So wait, what抯 the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I can抰 touch you?
Phoebe and Girl: Ewww!!!
Phoebe: You can抰 have sex with her!
Girl: What抎 you think I was, a hooker?
Frank: No, your a masseuse, it抯 cool, I抦 not a cop.
Phoebe: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes.
Jasmine: Fine. (starts to leave, and points at Frank) I don抰 like you!! (leaves)
Phoebe: (turns around and hits Frank) So that抯 what you thought I did!! God! That抯 not what I do!
Frank: Wait that抯-that抯, what that抯 not what you do?
Phoebe: Nooo! Why would you think that?
Frank: I don抰 know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I mean, I don抰 know.
Phoebe: Whatever, it抯 the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways.
Frank: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can抰 believe that I screwed it up so bad.
Phoebe: You really thought it was perfect?
Frank: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn抰 perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, 慶ause we had all those great talks y'know.
Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?
Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes...
Phoebe: I don抰....
Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn抰 melt.
Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm.
Frank: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk to you 慶ause y'know you抮e my sister, y'know.
Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah.
Frank: Then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me.
Phoebe: Well, I-I wasn抰 hopping mad, y'know.
Frank: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really sorry.
Phoebe: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this.
Frank: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a hooker...
Phoebe: She wasn抰 a hooker.
Frank: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey抯, everyone is there, helping to lift the entertainment center into place]
Chandler: Okay, on three. One....Two....
Joey: Why don抰 we just go on two.
Chandler: Why two?
Joey: Because it抯 faster.
Chandler: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this 憈wo?talk.
Joey: All right, but in the future...
Ross: Okay!! Okay!!
Rachel: Come on!
Ross: Heavy thing, not getting lighter!
Chandler: Okay, one...two...
Joey: So we are going on two?
All: All right!! (they lift it into place, however there is one small problem, the unit is so long that it blocks some of both of their bedroom doors.)
Chandler: Oh, good job Joe.
Joey: Wow, it抯 big!
Chandler: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!
Joey: Maybe, my ruler抯 wrong.
Phoebe: Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
Joey: Look it抯 not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door.
Chandler: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how 慴out it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours? (throws his shoulder into the center to try and move it, but it doesn抰 move.)
Joey: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving some guy coffee.]
Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? (the guy nods) Okay, great. (she starts to walk away and under her breath) You freak.
(Isabella Rosselini enters)
Ross: (to Gunther) Thank you.
Isabella: (to Gunther) Um, coffee to go, please.
(Ross recognises her and goes over to the couch, mouthing 慜h my God?br>
Ross: Isabella Rosselini. (points to her)
Monica: Are you serious? (they all look) Oh my God.
Ross: Damn! I can抰 believe I took her off my list.
Monica: Why? 慍ause otherwise you抎 go for it?
Ross: Yeah, maybe.
Rachel: Oh-oh, you lie.
Ross: What you don抰 think I抎 go up to her?
Rachel: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.
Ross: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.
Rachel: You know what honey, you go ahead, we抣l call her an alternate.
Ross: Okay, hold my crawler.
Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
Rachel: Honey, he抯 about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I抦 just sorry we don抰 got popcorn.
Ross: (to Isabella) Hi! Hi, I抦 Ross, you don抰 know me, but I抦 a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? (Gunther hands her change) Or maybe reimburse you for that one?
Isabella: Aren抰 you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel, who waves back)
Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that抯 okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so I抦 allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it抯 flattery.
Isabella: I抦 sorry. (starts to leave)
Ross: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don抰, don抰 just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...
Isabella: Yeah, for you. Is that the list?
Ross: Um, yeah.
Isabella: May I see it?
Ross: Um, no.
Isabella: Come on! (grabs the list)
Ross: But, okay.
Isabella: (reading it) I抦 not on the list!
Ross: Um, see, but that抯 not the final draft.
Isabella: It抯 laminated!
Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.
Isabella: Y'know it抯 ironic...
Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there. (points at a guy and leaves)
Ross: (to the rest of the gang) We抮e just gonna be friends.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey抯, they are admiring the entertainment center]
Joey: Y'know what?
Joey: I bet 憏a ya I could fit in there. (points to a hole in the center)
Chandler: I抳e got five bucks says you can抰.
Joey: Get out your checkbook, mister.
Chandler: Oh, I think I have the cash.
(Joey successfully enters the entertainment center, and Chandler closes the door on Joey.)
Joey: You are dogged man! I totally fit!
Chandler: Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and puts it through the handles so that the doors won抰 open) I抦 out five big ones! (puts the money in the crack between the door and frame) Here you go.
Joey: Thank you. Cha-ching! (Chandler starts to leave) Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next time buddy. (Chandler leaves and closes the door) And the drinks are on me!