我告诉卡尔没有人可以爬恐龙父母再有名也一样可想而知，他是左耳进…我最喜欢他的认真了要是我眯起眼睛就能把他看成亚伦艾达帅啊，又在讲恐龙的事这些事什么时候才会绝种?如果我是一个会飞还会隐形的超级英雄那就太棒了瑞秋到底看上他哪一点?我爱瑞秋真希望她是我的老婆谁在唱歌?你们小时候扮家家酒都扮成什么?我都当爸爸我都当妈妈请问“蛋洗盖勒家”是你们社区的团结口号吗? “床垫大王特价实施中”是床垫大王赶快转台等一下，我想看；等我跟他离了婚有一半的王国将属于我床垫卖场愁云惨怖我的王国突然失去皇后我是如此沮丧我决定将价格砍到最低各位请看大型床垫只要599有枕垫的中型床垫只要499我的价格非常中古那个小人他居然拿我们的离婚来促销有枕垫的床垫只要499谁管你离不离婚?那些床垫自己都能卖还有，我很为你生气卖场最近，价格最低！我是床垫之王-好的，老爸，我们明晚见！-好，再见我们？…明晚要跟我爸吃饭没问题吧?糟糕，明天不方便我应该会从帝国大厦掉下来跌到没有座垫的脚踏车上所以…我爸并不讨厌你拜托，他管我叫“油头”他都叫别人的绰号好，就一顿饭；一个晚上，为了我我只是想让他像我一样爱你好吧，也许不能像我一样不过如果你肯来我就穿那件黑色性感内衣好好爱你我去好吧谢谢阿甘等着瞧大家好你们猜怎样?我有头路了所以我当不成演员，我不会说“头路”我不会说“可颂”天哪!-是什么角色？ -不是角色我要去函授学校教“连续剧演技”很棒啊我可以藉此机会回馈演艺界你应该不能跟学生上床我知道 “床垫大王”我不晓得。光是来这里，感觉就很怪跟珍妮丝的前夫买床铺就像在背叛钱德这种价格耶在英国这辆车应该在店的另一边菲比，过来这就是我的新床铺你一定要感受一下摩妮卡，我还是觉得怪怪的钱德是你的朋友我的天哪买吧，朋友可以再交 “乔伊崔比亚尼”晚安我是崔比亚尼老师我将教大家“连续剧演技”好的在我参与“我们的岁月”演出拉莫瑞医生的第一天我学到演连续剧时很重要的一点就是回应意思不是“回去反应”而是你没有台词但可以听别人讲就像这样谢了还有，先说明一点如果想演连续剧有些同学得让自己变漂亮好，继续往下讲昨晚课上得怎样?很棒，我可以说…打铃并不代表下课，我说下课才能下课真好还有，我要去“我的孩子们”试镜是一个很棒的角色拳击手尼克我超适合的，他跟我一模一样除了他是拳击手有一个坏蛋双胞胎床垫大王送货来了盖勒小姐吗?请签收我有中间的名字吗?好吧，摩妮卡“费露拉”……盖勒抬到那个房间摩妮卡跟床垫大王买床?求求你，不要告诉钱德你要我骗他？ 有问题吗？拳击手尼克，露两手来瞧瞧拳头举起来你蛮有架势的嘛我非学不可！我住在基督教青年会时有些男生不像基督徒别闹了我流血了，帅啊我是素食者耶对不起，来冰敷吧-把头仰起来 -好我看不到。我来牵你天哪盖勒小姐，要抬进哪个房间?靠窗有洁癣的那一间知道了爸爸位子被排在这里?厨房挤不下了吗?记得罗斯吧葛林医生，又见面了所以……-图书馆还好吗? -是博物馆-那图书馆呢? -没有图书馆是有图书馆，只不过…我没在图书馆做过事-知道这里的名菜是什么? -龙虾-我直接点三客吧 -如果你很饿的话那是在开玩笑其实罗斯对龙虾过敏谁会对龙虾过敏? 我猜是图书馆员不是…我知道，是博物馆只有你可以开玩笑吗?至少我的很好笑服务生两客龙虾，一份菜单葛林医生，你的船好吗?生锈了，你知道生锈会怎样?让船看起来很古雅?锈是船的癌症，罗斯我真遗憾我小时候就这样失去了一台脚踏车失陪一下我想在离开之前去问候莱文家的人亲爱的，别这样，没那么糟你爸一定算错了他只给了4％的小费是啊，爸就是这样爸就是这样?你不困扰吗?你是服务生耶我的确很困扰如果他常来我会在他的咖啡里加胡椒所以呢？ 所以……我跟他说过几千遍了他就是不改你真的会在咖啡里加胡椒?不会孩子们，可以走了吗?葛林医生，再次谢谢你等一下，我忘了拿收据-不要拿了 -为什么？复写纸很脏会沾到手指，引发…夜盲症这是什么?谁放了20元?是我我有一个毛病我给的小费太高了这是一种病，没错我们得想个办法，很抱歉你觉得我很小器?他没有那个意思，真的我做的事都没有意义，真的真好啊，我花200元请客你只放了20元就成了大人物你那么想当大人物?这样吧，钱都给你出，大人物 “大人物”总比“油头”好现在教你们几个诀窍我演戏一向哭不出来所以要是我得哭我就把口袋挖一个洞放一把镊子在里面然后开始拔毛如果我想表现…刚做了坏事的感觉就秀出基本的“我爱眉毛上的鱼钩”的表情要是我听到一个坏消息只要心算232除以13就行了就是这样今晚的课上得很愉快下课崔老师你猜怎样?我要去试镜了我的学生要试镜了，我好骄傲能不能请您指导我?当然可以，是什么角色?那个角色很棒是“我的孩子们”里的拳击手尼克你就一定要鸡婆才4％，就算菜里有虫 我给得都比较多今晚你们好不容易处得不错快去找我的按摩治疗师好吗?是啊，一个没念过医科的治疗师菲比，你在干什么?我快吓死了摩妮卡交待我办一件事她不该这么做我搬走一阵子了 所以我得问你摩妮卡睡觉时还是会开灯吗?我死定了以目前的情况赶紧补救还来得及我找他明天来吃早、午餐你可以示好我示好过了，没有用我知道我爸很难相处所以你一定要比他大方我可以比他大方我可以超级大方就算我当一个巨人事情也不会改变除非我可以把你爸拎起来说喜欢我吧，小医生!你就不能再试一次吗?就当是为了我吃早、午餐也不能解决什么面对现实吧，我们合不来你们非合得来不可我已经有一对 无法共处一室的父母我不想再多你一个我去买焙果这是什么?很酷吧?这不是我订的床我知道 你一定是赢了什么比赛这辆车为什么在我的房里?对不起，我没有注意他们不肯接受退货 因为你签收了我什么时候签收了?当我是你的时候都是乔伊不好，他没护住鼻子你今天吃了布朗尼吗?有人在吗?快脱衣服，他就不会注意到床我要去吃寿司，有人要…有人忘了下交流道吗?这是摩妮卡的床，怎样?这是一辆赛车摩妮卡的床一直都是这张你现在才发现?你还真自我中心如果这不是新床 床垫上为什么有胶膜?我有时候会做恶梦听着……我刚看到我的死党脑浆溅在画布上我不要跟他一样我不要太精彩了太……-有镊子吗？ -没有太精彩了您有什么建议吗?你叫他演成同性恋?我说的应该是… “越明显越好”你把他给毁了你是他的老师，怎么能这样?因为他演得太好了我真的很想拿到这个角色要是你真的很想，那就没关系-爸爸 -女儿罗斯葛林医生，你好吗?谢谢你昨晚请客谢谢你给我上了宝贵的一课好帅的发型，你是游泳来的吗?够了，我受不了了怎么了?他喜欢你的发型，想知道你是怎么来的没有用的，我要走了什么?对不起，我实在…罗斯?你的脖子怎么了?他的脖子不舒服 我一直叫他去找我的按摩师你还在找他?他连乡下的医学院都考不上谢谢，我一直这么说很抱歉巴比医生是个很好的医生等一下，他叫巴比医生?那是他的姓 和他的名字他叫巴比巴比?是劳勃巴比而且很抱歉，他把我医好了拜托!你问她你哪里有毛病?我歪一边，有一条腿比较短跟她辩辩看本来就是，我的右腿短了两寸拜托，你只是没站直我知道那你为什么让她去?让她去?她连承租保险的事都不听我的慢着，你没有承租保险?要是遭小偷你要用长短脚追吗?你要喝果汁吗?麻烦你真顺利，你看到我们了吗?看到了，我就站在旁边你怎么不提我那颗痣的事?好主意有一天，在你们的事业生涯里你们会有机会毁掉另一个连续剧演员前不久，我就有这样的机会很惭愧的是……我也做了我建议另一位演员把一个角色演成同性恋我们都去应征那个角色结果是…他们…他们喜欢同性恋的演法 选了他现在，他拿到两年的合约要和……苏珊鲁奇合作日间电视剧的女王而我呢?我困在这里教别人演戏大多数丑到根本上不了电视对不起…谢谢有什么需要吗?有，你好我就是被硬塞一张赛车床的人我跟你说过了，我无能为力你签收了“摩妮卡费露拉盖勒”我们要见床垫大王没有人可以见大王好，那我要找他说话你不能到后面去我……的……天！小姐，小心一点美女喔好，我走我的床好无聊
The One With the Race Car Bed
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.]
Ross: So I told Carl, 慛obody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.? But of course this went in one ear and out.....
Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he抯 Alan Alda.
Monica: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
Chandler: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.
Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
(Joey is singing in his head.)
Phoebe: Who抯 singing?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, they抮e watching Happy Days.]
Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanne.
Joey: Question. Was ah, 慐gg the Gellers!?the war cry of your neighbourhood?
(A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice抯 ex-husband, comes on TV.)
Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It抯 the Mattress King!
Chandler: (to Janice) Don抰 look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!
Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.
Matress King: (on TV) 慏espair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I抦 so depressed I抦 going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I抦 going medieval on prices!
Chandler: What a wank!
Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he抯 using our divorce to sell mattresses.
Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And I抦 appalled for you by the way.
Matress King: (on TV) I抦 close. I抦 cheap. I抦 the king.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey.]
Rachel: 慜kay. (listens) Okay, daddy we抣l see you tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.?(hangs up)
Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that抯 okay.
Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow抯 not so good, I抦 supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
Rachel: Ross, my father doesn抰 hate you.
Ross: Please, he refers to me as 憌ethead?
Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I抣l love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
Chandler: (leaning in) I抣l go.
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: Hi Gunther.
Gunther: Yeah, we抣l see!
Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
Joey: Guess what?
Joey: I got a gig!
Chandler: See, that抯 why I could never be an actor. Because I can抰 say gig.
Phoebe: Yeah, I can抰 say croissant. (realises) Oh my God!
Monica: What抯 the part?
Joey: Well, it抯 not a part, no. I抦 teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on! That抯 great.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. It抯 like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross: Y択now your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey: (glares at him) I know!
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress.]
Phoebe: Ugh! I don抰 know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice抯 ex-husband, that抯 like betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.
Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the 憈hat went right over your head?motion) Woo!
Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler抯 your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.
[Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before he抯 done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.]
Joey: Good evening. I抦 Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don抰 have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the delievery guy.]
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, 扝ey, the bell doesn抰 dismiss you, I dismiss you.?br>
Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.
Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Joey: Yeah, it抯 this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I抦 so, so right for it, y'know, he抯 just like me. Except he抯 a boxer, and has an evil twin.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delievery guy.)
Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller?
Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)
Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It抯 that bedroom there. (points to Monica抯 room)
Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?
Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don抰 say anything to Chandler.
Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?
Phoebe: Is that a problem?
Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let抯 see what you got. All right ya, put 慹m up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
Joey: Hey, you抮e ah, pretty good at this.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men weren抰 acting Christian enough.
(Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the nose.)
Joey: Hey now!
(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey抯 nose, causing it to bleed.)
Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I抦 bleeding.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Joey: Okay, great.
Phoebe: Wow! And I抦 a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I抦 sorry, we抣l put some ice on it.
Phoebe: 慘ay, put your head back.
Joey: All right. I can抰 see.
Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God.
Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Oh, it抯 the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.
Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.)
[Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner.]
Rachel: Hi Daddy!
Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby.
Rachel: You remember Ross.
Dr. Green: Um-hmm.
Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) How抯 the library?
Ross: Ugh, museum.
Dr. Green: What happened to the library?
Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one.
Dr. Green: You know what抯 really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.
Ross: Yeah, if you抮e really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke.
Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.
Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.
Ross: It抯 not a library...
Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! It抯 a museum! What, you抮e the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I don抰 know to the waiter.)
[Scene: After dinner.]
Ross: So, Dr. Green, how抯 the old boat.
Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?
Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look.
Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.
Ross: Wow. I抦 sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that)
Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go.
Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)
Rachel: Aw honey stop! It抯 not that bad.
Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must抳e added wrong. He only tipped like four percent.
Rachel: Yeah. That抯 Daddy.
Ross: That抯 Daddy?! But doesn抰 it bother you? You抮e a waitress.
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I抎 be serving him sneezers.
Rachel: So. Ross, I抳e bugged him about this a million times, he抯 not gonna change.
Ross: You really serve people sneezers?
Rachel: Well um, I don抰.
Dr Green: You kids ready?
Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: All right.
(Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green isn抰 looking.)
Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.
Ross: Oh, ah, you don抰 need that.
Dr. Green: Why not?
Ross: The carbon, it抯 messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness.
Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh?
Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it抯 a sickness really.
Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do something about that.
Ross: I know.
Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I抦 cheap?
Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn抰 mean anything by that, he really didn抰.
Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really.
Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I抣l tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. (rips up the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves)
Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than 憌ethead?
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.]
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I抳e never been able to cry as an actor, so if I抦 in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let抯 say I wanna convey that I抳e just done something evil. That would be the basic 慖 have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it?(Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let抯 say I抳e just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that抯 how it抯 done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
Student: Hey, Mr. Trib.
Student: Guess what, I got an audition!
Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I抦 so proud.
Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?
Joey: You bet! What抯 the part?
Student: Oh it抯 great, it抯 a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
(Joey does the ?32 divided by 13 bad news?look.)
[Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner.]
Rachel: You had to do it, didn抰 you? You couldn抰 just leave it alone.
Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there抯 a bug in my food.
Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
Ross: Yeah, I抦 gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall.
(they go into Monica and Rachel抯, and see Phoebe hopping around.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe: I抦, I抦 freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn抰 have! All right, I haven抰 lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?
Rachel: Um. yeah.
Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monica抯 room)
Rachel: All right, look, here抯 the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I抣l invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.
Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn抰 work.
Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that抯 why you have got to be the bigger man here.
Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn抰 make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say 慙ike me! Like me tiny doctor!?br>
Rachel: Okay, well can抰 you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me?
Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay we抮e never gonna get along.
Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don抰 wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! (starts to cry)
Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I抣l get the bagels.
[Scene: Monica抯 bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.]
Monica: (sees the bed) What抯 this?
Phoebe: Isn抰 it cool! Varoom! Varoom!
Monica: This is not the bed I ordered!
Phoebe: I know, you must抳e won like a contest or something!
(Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating)
(Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.)
Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom?
Phoebe: I抦 sorry, okay, I-I wasn抰 looking, and the store says that they won抰 take it back because you signed for it...
Monica: When did I sign for it?
Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it抯 all Joey抯 fault, 慶ause he left his nose open!
Monica: Did you make brownies today?
Chandler: Knock, knock.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won抰 notice the bed.
Chandler: Hey, I抦 going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
Phoebe: It抯 Monica抯 bed. What?
Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) It抯 a racecar.
Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica抯 bed, what you抮e just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn抰 new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?
Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.)
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.]
Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that抯 not gonna be me, not me.
Joey: Wow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers?
Joey: Whoa. That was really good.
Student: Thanks, any suggestions?
(Joey gets the evil look on his face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.]
Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!!
Joey: Well, I-I might抳e said supergay.
Chandler: You totally screwed him over.
Monica: Joey, you抮e this guy抯 teacher. I mean how could you do this?
Joey: Because, Monica, the guy抯 so good, and I really, really want this part.
Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then it抯 okay.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch.]
Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy.
Dr. Green: Baby. Ross.
Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his scarf on it.)
Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night.
Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
Dr. Green: Nice hair. What抎 ya do? Swim here?
Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, that抯 it, I can抰 take it anymore.
Rachel: What? What? He抯 interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here.
Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it抯 hopeless, okay, I抦 just gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck)
Ross: Look, look I抦 sorry. It抯 just that....
Dr. Green: Ross? What抯 with the neck?
Rachel: He抯 got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor...
Dr. Green: You抮e still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn抰 get into medical school in Extapa!
Ross: Thank you! That抯 what I keep saying.
Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?
Rachel: Well that抯 his last name.
Ross: And his first name.
Dr. Green: He抯 Bobby Bobby?
Rachel: It抯 Robert Bobby.
Dr. Green: Oh.
Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me.
Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how?
Dr. Green: What do you need help for?
Rachel: With my alignment. I抳e got one leg shorter than the other.
Dr. Green: Oh God!
Ross: Argue with that.
Rachel: What? It抯 true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
Dr. Green: Come on! You抮e just titling! (to Ross) Her legs are fine!
Ross: I know that!
Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?
Rachel: I抦 sorry, let her?
Ross: What can I do, she doesn抰 listen to me about renter抯 insurance either.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don抰 have renter抯 insurance?!
Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?!
(Both he and Ross start laughing)
Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice?
Dr. Green: I抎 love some juice. Thanks.
Ross: Okay. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see?
Rachel: Yeah honey, I抦 standing right there! Why didn抰 you just tell him about the mole I haven抰 got checked yet.
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.]
Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when you抣l have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I抦 ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, he抯 got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me I抦 stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I抦 sorry, I抦 sorry, I抦 sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you.
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica is trying to return her bed.]
Jester: Uh, may I help you?
Monica: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I抦 the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed.
Jester: Look, it抯 like I told you, there抯 nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
Joey: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king.
Jester: Nobody sees the king!
Joey: Oh-ho-kay, I抦 talking to the king. (starts to go to a back room)
Jester: Hey! You can抰 go back there!
(Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks through the window at Janice and the Mattress King, her ex-husband, kissing.)
Janice: Oh my God.
(Joey fakes a scream.)
[Scene: Monica抯 bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed.]
Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookin? (honks the bed抯 little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, I抣l leave. My bed抯 so boring.