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老友记第三季The One With All The Jealousy

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你们都觉得这双鞋很丑吗?对别担心,没有人会注意的只要你穿着那件浴巾装你跟他说吧这是她履新职的第一天你不该一早就开她玩笑好吧,我可以等到晚上再说你星期五有节目吗?干嘛?你得来参加我的怪堂哥艾勃特的告别单身派对你知道,他是植物学家老天植物学家都神神经经的那是恐龙领带吗?早安瑞秋,我拿皮包来了找钥匙就要找老半天吧谢谢,菲比不客气,拜托你用这个乌龟包包不,乌龟让我害怕今天尤其不是时候亲爱的,别紧张,没问题的我过来跟你一起吃午饭吧?谢了,但马克要带我去吃饭马克?就是那个帮你找工作的马克?对,算是祝我工作顺利那是午餐盒吗?不,是皮包里面还有个热水瓶你星期五能来吗?什么?我想可以吧可是你为什么要请我呢?显然艾勃特没有朋友他对告别单身派对充满期待我想他是为了看脱衣舞娘才结婚的请脱衣舞娘参加告别单身派对你们真是老套为什么不请魔术师?如果魔术师可以用臀部给我开啤酒,那就行她要跟她吃午饭?跟他吃午饭?你该看看她被录取时是怎么拥抱他的而且他相貌堂堂我该怎么办?放在心里学着隐藏你的感情不要大呼小叫猜猜谁得到了百老汇音乐剧的试演机会?我本来要说是你不过这个答案好像太容易了就是我这是音乐剧版的“双城记”我想我要唱“纽约,纽约”和“我把心留在旧金山”乔伊,我想轮不到你来挑城市什么?这是狄更斯先生的权利谁?我拿克里夫手集给你什么?简易文学读本什么?型号发货号码…和出货日期很好,有问题吗?我们有多少折扣?八折我爱死这份工作了我的第一通电话来,让我代劳瑞秋葛林,需要我效劳吗?嗨,瑞秋在吗?请问是哪一位?我是罗斯哪位罗斯? “罗斯和瑞秋”的罗斯嗨,我是马克嗨,马克嗨等一下好嗨,亲爱的马克怎么会替你接电话?他只是在瞎混罢了有意思他干嘛不在自己办公室瞎混?这里就是他办公室,我说过我们是乔安娜的两个助理乔安娜为什么需要两个助理?她很懒吗?我的天,我做了什么?我刚把三千副胸罩送到人事部去了我要挂电话了马克,我需要你好,再见对不起,甜心,我只是要…我只是要打下一个电话我30秒钟换好衣服就是让你跟他独处你最好赶快展开攻势我不要展开什么攻势你不要的话,我要拜托你走吧?晚安,摩妮卡晚安,胡利欧胡利欧,有人把书忘在这里了老实说,那是我的书你在看什么书?波特莱尔的“恶之花”你看过没有?我看过没有?没有,你喜欢吗?我本来以为我会喜欢不过翻译得不好你是诗人,居然不懂其实我……我是诗人那你一定懂了你都写些什么?写一些让我感动的事物婆娑树影童稚笑容或这片嘴唇我的?这里?我可以为这片嘴唇写一部史诗要怎么写?虽然没有押韵…不过我喜欢你们得扒一、两个钱包孩子们……你得扒一、两个…钱包…真好太好了真的?谢谢乔伊,我们非常希望星期六再看到你太好了我会来的别忘了带你的爵士舞鞋来参加舞蹈试演我的经纪人说这个角色不必跳舞所有的角色都要跳一点舞但以你的舞蹈背景小意思罢了追随妥拉萨普学习三年现代舞?在美国芭蕾舞团待了五年?谁的履历表不灌水?我也没有演过Z00M你到底会不会跳舞?我会跳舞,你知道…这是干什么?现在看起来很蠢因为没有放音乐我得去接电话嗨听我说,我需要个脱衣舞娘我听说你是跳脱衣舞的我问你,你多收一百块可以额外提供什么服务?那我要提供葡萄吗?嗨你昨晚跟胡利欧约会的情况怎么样,小姐?简直不可思议,他性感又聪明这让他显得更性感我得告诉你昨晚我们亲热的时候,突然之间,他停下来写诗…少来了,我就算被陨石打中也停不下来我们请了脱衣舞娘“水晶吊灯小姐”给小孩取这种名字长大了还能做什么?但他忘了把这首诗带走我看不懂诗不过我觉得这是一首好诗你们看看 “空花瓶”半透明的美不要念出来写得很好对,我也觉得,菲比?太棒了我真高兴你们都喜欢我得去上班了看完再还给我回头见再见我的天…可怜的摩妮卡怎么了?…他在跟她亲热的时候写这首诗我的花瓶如此美丽内里空无一物如今我伸手触摸你看似更加空洞她觉得摩妮卡很空洞她是个空花瓶你真的觉得他是这个意思?一点都没错老天,她看起来好幸福看完了你有圣罗兰的档案吗?当然有,就在那是什么?是罗斯送的,爱的金龟他想向全世界宣告你已经名花有主了他不是这个意思他只是非常浪漫罢了对不起,你是瑞秋格林吗?1 2 3恭喜你履新职的第一周要不了多久你就会当老板了你知道到时候谁会支持你就是你唯一的男朋友有男朋友真好你忠心、深情的男友,罗斯我伤心,我真的很伤心…你居然以为我送那些东西不是出于对你的爱伤心好,我懂了,你很伤心男人不能请理发店四重唱,到女朋友的办公室吗?拜托,罗斯这实在太明显了你好像在划定地盘你干脆到办公室来在我的桌子周围撒尿好了我绝对不会这么做听我说,我知道这是怎么回事马克都跟我解释过了他说你们男人就是这样如果马克这么说那马克就是白痴马克是个天才为什么?怎么说?他为什么会是天才?你还看不出来吗?他没有勾引她反而当了她的手帕交现在她就会跑去跟他抱怨你我该怎么办?何不送她一个音乐金龟?不,你已经送过了你得亲自过去偶尔让她惊喜一下我不知道很好,不要轻举妄动坐着跟我们聊天这时候她正在跟她谈你他对她体贴入微她在想“也许他就是我的伴侣他这么了解我”你还没搞清楚状况她就跟他在一起了你就会说“老天”他会说“太棒了”我们都会说“傻瓜”很快你就会说… “嗨”还有“我不能去瑞秋和马克可能在那里”我们会说“忘了吧已经四年了”他说得活灵活现,不是吗?这是雪丽席格12月的设计等等,我有东西要给你没关系,瑞秋知道对,但就算是这样……我控制不了,我为你疯狂你真会讲话我知道我老是做不得体的事但是这真的好难看着你走来走去我好想把你抱在怀里来,这里没有人,吻我吧好了,够了,放开她怎么回事?怎么回事?我告诉你这是怎么回事我在你们公司找领带找了20分钟要怎么样才有人来服务我?嗨,瑞秋乔伊特里班尼现在出了问题舞蹈领队打电话来他感情出现危机不能离开长岛这表示试演取消了吗?既然你的经验丰富什么?好啦,很简单嘛你知道,就是手…头……抬起来…不要挤在一起…大旋转…腿转圈…滑过来,一步,再一步…爵士手势这么说是踏步舞步和爵士手势跳得高兴点再见你在包什么?看我送胡利欧什么?是个花瓶就像他那首诗不完全跟那首诗一样此话怎讲?记得你说过你不会看诗吗?这么说我只是个空洞的花瓶?什么?好,我不像你那样常看名著我也不写表里不一的怪诗我喜欢愚蠢的东西就像我的时人杂志来的时候…还有“抓住一切”的型录来的时候…但这并不表示我是空洞的!我关心我的家人和朋友你没有权利批判我你根本不了解我这首诗讲的不是你什么? “空花瓶”讲的不是你我亲爱的宝贝…你居然这么想,我好难过对不起,这…我朋友菲比说…这是讲所有的女人应该是说…全美国的女人释怀了没有?好,来吧那是什么玩意儿?他们最多只能跳到这个程度各位……各位……我们再试一次这次大家好好看着乔伊教他们怎么跳弹琴,麦克你昨晚参加告别单身派对玩得开心吗?看我拿到什么?看,她穿着衣服,对吗?然后按一下,她裸体了!然后再按一下她又穿上衣服了她是个做生意的女人走在大街上她在逛橱窗,哦,她裸体了!我要跟这只笔独处一阵子对不起,我是个白痴大白痴大白痴你必须了解…我很难接受马克这件事…为什么?我们在一起快一年了我跟卡洛在一起八年了而我失去了她现在,如果有这个可能我想我爱你此爱她更深所以我很难相信我不会…别人不会把你夺走…让我夺走她吧…亲爱的,你的话好窝心我只是觉得如果两个人彼此相爱彼此信任,像我们这样就没有理由嫉妒我得走了再见,钱德这枝笔有点无聊了可以帮我拿几本色情杂志吗?你要去哪里?我得去接班带他跟别人出去玩跟谁?跟我昨晚在派对上认识的女人昨晚派对的女人,脱衣舞娘?你跟脱衣舞娘一起出去玩?老天,我得生个孩子才行她跳玩脱衣舞之后我们开始聊天她有个和班年龄相仿的儿子我们要带孩子去上健保园可以吗?当然可以,她结婚没有?你嫉妒吗?我不懂她干嘛跟你出去玩她没有其它当妈妈的脱衣舞娘朋友吗?你嫉妒得要命我才没有嫉妒这是因为…人们对脱衣舞娘…都有某种…看法,你知道…我也爱你再见等等……干嘛?这个吻可以让他回味好几个小时否则,你刚煽起他的火来反而便宜了脱衣舞娘胡利欧在这里吗?我就是胡利欧你非常自以为是以为自己好得不得了你的诗都没出版你在餐厅工作你不是上帝对女人的恩赐这只是你自以为是你只是个马屁精没人喜欢马屁精你的床上工夫也很烂

The One With All The Jealousy

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her first day.]

Rachel: (running in from her bedroom, wearing only a towel) Okay. Hey. Umm. Does everybody hate these shoes?

Chandler: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress.

Rachel: (to Ross) Tell him.

Ross: (to Chandler) It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her!

Chandler: All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?

Ross: Why?

Chandler: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist.

Ross: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks.

Chandler: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?

Ross: Hmm? Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling sound)

Phoebe: (entering, with about 20 purses hanging around her neck) Morning. Rach, I'm here with the purses!

Chandler: (to Phoebe) It must take you forever to find your keys.

Rachel: (running into the living room) Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles.

Rachel: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't need that today.

Ross: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch?

Rachel: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out.

Ross: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job?

Rachel: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox?

Phoebe: Umm, no, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it.

Rachel: Oh.

Chandler: (to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday?

Ross: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again?

Chandler: Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper.

Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so clich? Why don't you get a magician?!

Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right.


OPENING CREDITS


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are entering, Joey is on the phone.]

Ross: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he's really good looking. (Joey gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) What am I gonna do?

Chandler: Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don't cry outloud.

Joey: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical?

Chandler: I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer.

Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco.

Ross: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.

Joey: What?

Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.

Joey: Who?

Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.

Joey: The what?

Chandler: The abridgment.

Joey: Oh, okay. (to Ross) The what?

[Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is training Rachel.]

Mark: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far?

Rachel: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?

Mark: Twenty percent.

Rachel: Oh!! I love this job! (her phone rings) Wow! My first call.

Mark: Here, let me. (answers phone) Rachel Green's line, how may I help you?

Ross: (on phone) Hi, is Rachel there?

Mark: And who may I say is calling?

Ross: This is Ross?

Mark: Ross of.....

Ross: Of Ross and Rachel.

Mark: Oh hi. It's, it's Mark.

Ross: Oh hey, hey Mark.

Mark: Hey, hold on a second.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: Hi honey!

Ross: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone?

Rachel: Oh, he's just goofing around.

Ross: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in his own office?

Rachel: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants.

Ross: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she?

Rachel: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do?

Ross: What?

Rachel: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go. (to Mark) Mark, I need you!

Ross: Okay, bye-bye. (starts slamming the receiver down in anger.)

Rachel: Ow! Ross!!

Ross: Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I'm dialing another number. (hangs up)

[Scene: The Moondance diner, Monica is cleaning up with one of the waiters, with her back turned to him she removes her fake breasts and hides them under her wig.]

Jeannine: (to Monica) All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone with him. You'd better go for it.

Monica: Please, I'm not going for anything.

Jeannine: Well, if you don't, I will.

Monica: Would you please go?

Jeannine: Night Mon. Night Julio.

Julio: (to Jeannine) Adios.

(Monica starts wiping down the stools, as Julio follows along behind her replacing the napkin holders.)

Monica: Look Julio, someone left their book here.

Julio: Ah actually, that is mine.

Monica: Oh yeah, what are you reading?

Julio: Flowers of Evil, by Beaudalire. Have you read it?

Monica: Have I read it? (pause) No, are you enjoying it?

Julio: I thought I would, but the translation's no good.

Monica: Your a poet and don't know it. (she turns away and makes a face like 'I can't believe I just said that.')

Julio: Actually I ah, I am a poet.

Monica: Oh, then you do know it. (pause) So um what kind of things do you write about?

Julio: Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a child laughing, or this lip. (points to her lip)

Monica: Mine? (points to her lower lip) Right here?

Julio: I can write an epic poem about this lip. (grabs her lower lip)

Monica: How would that go? (they kiss) Well, it didn't rhyme, but I liked it.

[Scene: Joey's audition.]

Joey: (singing) You've got to pick a pocket or two. Boyyyyssss, (picks a handkerchief from the pianist's pocket) you've got to pick a pocket or two..........

Director: Lovely, just lovely.

Joey: Really? Thanks.

Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.

Joey: Excellent, I'll be there.

Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.

Joey: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a dancing part.

Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading Joey's resume.]

Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!

Joey: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids either.

Phoebe: Well, can you dance at all?

Joey: Yeah, I can dance, y'know. (starts to dance really, really, really badly)

Chandler: Oh no, no, no, no.

Phoebe: (covering her mouth in shock) What, what is that?

Joey: Sure, it looks stupid now, there's no music playing.

(phone rings)

Chandler: All right, I have to get that, but no-no. (answering phone) Hello? (listens) (happily) Hi! Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. (listens) Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? (listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes?

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Phoebe: Oh, how was last night with Julio, senorita?

Monica: It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. Oh gosh, I gotta so you this. Last night, we were fooling around and he stops to write a poem.

Joey: Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.

Chandler: Okay, we have our stripper. A miss Crystal Chandelier.

Joey: Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?

Monica: Anyway um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all right. Check it out. (hands them the poem)

Joey: (reading) The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty...

Chandler: To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey, y'know what that's pretty good.

Monica: Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh yeah.

Monica: Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it. Yay! All right I gotta go to work. (tries to take the poem)

Joey: Whoa, I'm not done.

Monica: All right, just give it back to me when your done. See you guys.

Chandler: Bye-bye.

(Monica leaves)

Phoebe: Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica!

Chandler: What, what, what?!

Phoebe: What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, (reading) 'My vessel so empty with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still.' He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase!

Chandler: You really think that is what he meant?

Phoebe: Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too.

Joey: Done.

[Scene: Rachel's office, her desk is covered with stuff Ross has sent her.]

Mark: (reaching through the flowers) Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm... (she picks up this bug and it starts to play the theme from Love Story)

Mark: Wh-what's that?

Ross: It's from Ross, it's a love bug.

Mark: Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.

Rachel: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's just really romantic.

Man: (to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green?

Rachel: Yes.

Man: (being joined by the rest of the barbershop quartet) One, two, three...

Quartet: (singing) Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before your the boss.

The Bass Barber: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah.

Quartet: (singing) And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one and only boyfriend...

The Bass Barber: It's nice to have a boyfriend.

Quartet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross!


COMMERCIAL BREAK


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her bedroom.]

Ross: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt!

Rachel: All right Ross!! I get it!!

Ross: I mean my God...

Rachel: You're hurt!

Ross: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!!

Rachel: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk!

Ross: I would never do that!

Rachel: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do.

Ross: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey are there.]

Joey: Mark's a genius!

Ross: Why?! How?! How is he a genius?

Chandler: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you.

Ross: What am I going to do?

Chandler: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits.

Ross: I don't know you guys.

Chandler: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'

Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!'

Chandler: He paints quite a picture doesn't he?

[Scene: Rachel's office.]

Woman: (walking up to Mark) Here's the Shelly Siegal stuff from December.

Mark: (turning around) And wait, I've got something for you. (kisses her)

Woman: Mark!!

Mark: It's okay, Rachel knows.

Woman: Yeah, but even soo.

(Ross appears in the hallway just outside of Rachel's office.)

Mark: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you.

Rachel: Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets up to get herself a cup of coffee)

(Ross is eavesdropping in the hallway.)

Mark: Okay, okay look, I know I'm being Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough, I mean see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you, come on no one's around, just, just kiss me.

(They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up.)

Ross: All right that's, that's it!! Get off her!

Mark: What is going on?

Ross: What's going on?! (throws the love bug at him) That's what's going on!!

Rachel: (now standing behind Ross) Ross!

(Ross finally looks at the woman kissing Mark.)

Ross: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! (turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He's puts his hand on her shoulder and she knocks it away.)

[Scene: Joey's dance audition, Joey is warming up.]

Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.

Joey: So, does that mean the audition is off?

Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.

Joey: What?!

Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, (very quickly, Joey watches stunned) up, out a beret, out a beret, big turn here, grand dechant, desont, desont, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!

Joey: It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands.

Director: Have fun.

Joey: Bye. (does the jazz hands)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is tying a ribbon to a vase.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: What are you wrapping?

Monica: Oh-ho, look what I got Julio.

Phoebe: Yeah, it's a vase.

Monica: Yeah, just like the one in the poem.

Phoebe: Well not exactly like the one in the poem.

Monica: What do you mean?

Phoebe: Remember how you said you were really dense about poetry? Oh. (hugs her)

[Scene: The Moondance Diner.]

Monica: (to Julio) So! I'm just an empty vase, huh?

Julio: What?

Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me.

Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Monica: You don't even know me...

Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you.

Monica: What?

Julio: The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby, you make me so sad that you would think this.

Monica: I'm sorry, my friend Phoebe...

Julio: No, it's about all women. Well, all American women. You feel better now?

Monica: (sarcastically) Oh yeah.

[Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.]

Director: All right, let's do it!

(The group does the same horrible dance that Joey did earlier in the show, except they're all out of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.)

Director: No, no, no. What was that?

Joey: I know, it was the best I could get out of them.

Director: Well, people!

Joey: People, people, people.

Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show 'em how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off.

(The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies himself, and then runs out of the audition.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are there.]

Rachel: So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night?

Chandler: Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See, she's fully dressed, right?

Rachel: Right.

Chandler: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! (Rachel just stares at him.)

Ross: (entering) Hi.

Rachel: Hello.

Chandler: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.

Ross: (sits down next to her) I'm sorry, I was an idiot.

Rachel: A big idiot.

Ross: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me.

(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.)

Rachel: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now?

Ross: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away.

Gunther: Let it be me! Let it be me!

Rachel: Honey, that's very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. (she kisses him)

Ross: I gotta get going. Bye Chandler.

Chandler: Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some porn?

Rachel: Where ya going?

Ross: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon.

Rachel: Ohh, with who?

Ross: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party.

Rachel: There was a woman at the... (realizes) The stripper?!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You have a play date with a stripper?!

Chandler: Man, I gotta get a kid. (looks at the pen and starts laughing)

Ross: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay?

Rachel: Sure, is she married?

Ross: Ahh, no.

Rachel: Oh. (starts shaking the sugar down in a packet really hard.)

Ross: Are you jealous?

Rachel: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any y'know other stripper moms friends of her own?

Ross: You are totally jealous.

Rachel: I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people feeling certain things y'know about strippers. And y'know, and um, I...

Ross: Honey, I love you too.

Rachel: Ugh. Wait, wait, wait.

Ross: What?

(She runs over and gives him a very passionate kiss.)

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: (to Chandler) Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know.

Chandler: Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.


CLOSING CREDITS


[Scene: The Moondance Diner.]

Man: (entering) Is there a Julio here?

Julio: (to him) I am Julio.

(The rest of barbershop quartet enters, and joins him.)

Man: (singing) Mister Pretensous, (Monica stands up in the background) you think there's no one finer, well but your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner.

Quartet: Your no God's gift to women, that's all in your headdddd. You are just a buttmunch.

Bass Singer: No one likes a buttmunch.

Quartet: And your also bad in bedd-edd-edd!.

(Monica waves at Julio.)

END

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