The One Where Monica and Richard Are Friends
[Scene: A Video Store, Monica is running in to return a video.]
Monica: (to clerk) Hi.
(The clerk enters the video into the computer.)
Clerk: Six dollars, please.
Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It抯 three.
Clerk: Eight o抍lock is the cut-off and, (looks at his watch) aww, it抯 8:02.
Monica: Y'know in a weird way, you have too much power. Look, you抮e gonna have to help me out here, 慶ause I only have three.
Richard: (standing behind her, without his moustache) I can help with that.
Monica: Oh my God. Richard? (turns around) Hi!
Monica: Wow! Your lip went bald. (Richard pays the clerk) Hey, thanks.
Richard: So, you look great.
Richard: No you do. You... just...
Richard: You抳e got panties stuck to your leg.
Monica: (removes them) That抯 because I-I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and it抯 static cling. Or maybe it抯 just that God knew I抎 be running into you and saw an opportunity.
Richard: It抯 good to see you.
Monica: It抯 good to see you too.
(They hug, and Richard notices a stocking stuck to Monica抯 back, which he removes for her.)
[Scene: continued from earlier.]
Monica: You see that guy? He抯 in classics now, but y'know as soon as we leave he抯 going straight to the porn.
Richard: He抯 gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy. (they both laugh) This is nice.
Richard: I missed this.
Monica: Me too.
Richard: So, you wanna get a hamburger or something?
Monica: Oh, um, I don抰 know if that抯 a good idea.
Richard: Oh. Look, just friends, I won抰 grope you. I promise.
Monica: No, I just I think that it抯 too soon.
Richard: No it抯 not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Ross. Joey, and Rachel are eating breakfast. Chandler is holding a bottle of Hersey抯 Syrup.]
Chandler: Yeah, baby!
Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: Making chocolate milk. Do you want some?
Ross: No thanks. I抦 29.
Rachel: (looking at her watch) Oh my God, I gotta go to work!
Ross: Oh sweetie, when do you think you抮e going to get off tonight?
Rachel: Oh I don抰 know honey. It抯 gonna be really late.
Ross: Oh come on, not again.
Rachel: I know. I抦 sorry. Look, I抣l make a deal with you all right? Okay?
Rachel: For every night that you抮e asleep before I get home from work...
Rachel: I will wake you up in a way that抯 proved very popular in the past.
Ross: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that.
Phoebe: (entering, holding a pair of Roller Blades) Hi.
Joey: (to Phoebe) Look at you. Since when do you roller blade?
Phoebe: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like y'know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y'know we made a deal that抯 he抯 going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff.
Ross: And what are you going to do for him?
Phoebe: I抦 going to let him.
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Morning.
Rachel: Somebody got in late last night.
Monica: Yeah well, I ran into Richard.
(They all gasp)
Rachel: When did this happen?
Monica: Oh, um, around 8:02. We ah, talked for a little while, and then um, we went out for an innocent burger.
Phoebe: Oh, there抯 no such thing as an innocent burger.
Ross: So, are you gonna see him again?
Monica: Tomorrow night.
Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?
Chandler: Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she抯 celebrating that by going on a date with him.
Monica: It抯 not a date, okay. I抦 just gonna teach him how to make lasagne for some pot luck dinner he has.
Joey: Well, you might wanna make a little extra, y'know you抣l probably be hungry after the sex.
Monica: We抮e not gonna have sex! Okay, nothing抯 changed here. He still doesn抰 want children and I still do, so that抯 why we抮e just gonna be friends.
Ross: Naked friends.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey.
Rachel: Do you have any ice?
Joey: Check the freezer. If there抯 none in there, then we抮e probably out. Are you just getting in from work? It抯 late.
Rachel: Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from Calvin Klien. I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day?
Joey: I discovered I抦 able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue.
Rachel: Hmm. (she opens the freezer) Umm, why do you have a copy of The Shining in your freezer?
Joey: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so.
Rachel: But ah, you抮e safe from it if it抯 in the freezer?
Joey: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure we抳e got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know.
Rachel: How often do you read it?
Joey: Haven抰 you ever read the same book over and over again?
Rachel: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean that抯 a classic, what抯 so great about The Shining?
Joey: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about The Shining. Okay? And the answer would be: nothing. All right? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet it抯 way better than that classic of yours.
Rachel: Okay. Ah, well we抣l just see about that, okay. I will read The Shining, (she tries to take the book away from him but he doesn抰 want to let it go) and you will read Little Women.
Joey: All right, you got it.
Rachel: All right.
Joey: Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women.
Joey: How little are they? I mean, are they like scary little?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there, Phoebe is entering with her date Robert.]
Phoebe: Um, Chandler, Ross, this is Robert.
Chandler: Oh, hey.
Phoebe: (to Robert) You抳e have lipstick right here (points to her cheek). That抯 okay, it抯 mine, we just kissed.
Chandler: (to Robert) So ah, isn抰 a bit cold out for shorts?
Robert: Well, I抦 from California.
Chandler: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames.
(Robert leans back on the arm of the chair and allows Chandler to see up his shorts and sees 憀ittle Robert.? Chandler is horrified by this view.)
Chandler: (standing up) I抦 up! I抦 up, I抳e gotten up now! Anybody ah, want anything?
Phoebe: I抣l have coffee.
Robert: Yeah, me too.
Ross: Yeah, make that three.
Chandler: Okay Ross, why don抰 you come with me?
Ross: Okay. (goes over to the counter) (to Chandler) What ah, what is the matter with you? What抯 going on?
Chandler: Robert抯 coming out.
Ross: What, what do you mean, what? Is he gay?
Chandler: No. He.....he抯 coming out of his shorts.
Chandler: The man is showing brain.
Ross: Are you sure? (Chandler nods: Yes!) Hold on. (walks over behind the couch) I抦 sorry you guys, that was a coffee and a....
Robert: We could write it down for you?
Ross: No, no, that won抰 be ah, that won抰 be necessary (leans down and looks up Robert抯 shorts, seeing Robert抯 package.)
Chandler: (to Ross) Wellll?
Ross: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Chandler: What do we do? What do we do?
Ross: Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it.
Chandler: Like an eclipse.
(Ross nods his head.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is teaching Richard how to make lasagne.]
Richard: So when people complement me on my cooking should I, what do I say?
Monica: You say 慣hank you very much,?and then you buy me something pretty. Come on, we抮e gonna put are hands in this bowl, and we抮e gonna start squishing the tomatoes.
(They both start squishing the tomatoes.)
Richard: Ew, this feels very weird.
Monica: You touch people抯 eyeballs every day and this feels weird.
Richard: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them. (Monica grabs his hand in the tomatoes.) That抯 my hand.
Monica: Gotta keep squishing.
Richard: Tomatoes are squishing.
(Richard squishes a little too hard and some lands on his shirt.)
Monica: Oh, gosh, you got some on your shirt.
Monica: Hold on a second, just put a little club soda on it (does so) and it should umm, be.....
(She is rubbing his chest and her voice trails off into silence, a long pause follows.)
Monica: Umm, you抳e got some on your pants.
Richard: I抣l just throw them out.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is watching Joey read Little Women, Ross is also there.]
Joey: These little women. Wow!
Chandler: Your liking it, huh?
Joey: Oh yeah! Amy just burned Jo抯 manuscript. I don抰 see how he could ever forgive her.
Ross: Umm, Jo抯 a girl, it抯 short for Josephine.
Joey: But Jo抯 got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods his head) Oh. You mean it抯 like a girl-girl thing? 慍ause that is the one thing missing from The Shining.
Chandler: No, actually Laurie抯 a boy.
Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
(Enter Phoebe and Robert)
Ross: Hey! How抎 the ah, basketball go?
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I learned how to shoot a lay-up, a foul shot, and a twenty-three pointer.
Chandler: You mean a three pointer?
Phoebe: Oh, I get more because I抦 dainty.
Robert: So um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages?
Phoebe: Yeah, in the back. You want a quarter?
Robert: Oh, no thanks. I always carry one in my sock.
(He puts his leg up on the couch to get the quarter, once again exposing himself to Chandler and Ross. In horror, Chandler, slides over and leans against Joey on the couch.)
Joey: (noticing Chandler) What are you doing? (he pushes Chandler back to his side of the couch) Get back over on your side of the... (sees Robert in all his glory) Hello!! (to Robert) Hi, I抦 Joey, we haven抰 met.
Robert: Ah, good to meet you. Robert.
(Robert walks away and the guys all start laughing in front of Phoebe.)
Phoebe: What? (the guys keep laughing.) What? You guys, what is going on? You not like Robert? (the guys keep laughing.) Why are you laughing?!
Ross: Calm down. There抯 no reason to get testy.
(The guys start laughing harder.)
Phoebe: You guys!! Come on!
Chandler: I抦 sorry, I抦 sorry, it just seems that Robert isn抰 as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Robert: Hey. (sits down)
Joey: Hey Robert, could you ah, ha, pass me those cookies?
(He puts his leg up on the table to pass Joey the cookies, and Phoebe sees what the guys are laughing at, and gasps.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to Richard on the phone.]
Monica: So, how抎 the lasagne go over? (listens) Really?! Good. So you owe me three pretty things. (listens) Yeah, I抳e been thinking a lot about you too. (listens) I know. It抯 hard this whole platonic thing. (listens) It抯 a word!
(There抯 a knock on the door.)
Monica: Yeah, I do think it抯 better this way. (listens) Yeah, we抮e being smart. (gets up to answer the door) (listens) Yes, I抦 sure.(she opens the door and it抯 Richard)
Richard: You really sure?
Monica: I抣l call you back. (starts kissing him)
[Scene: Monica抯 bedroom, she抯 in bed with Richard.]
Monica: So we can be friends who sleep together.
Richard: Absolutely, this will just be something we do, like racquetball.
Monica: Sounds smart and healthy to me. So um, just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies?
Richard: Just your dad. (pause) Although that抯 actually racquetball. You know I-I do have a blind date with my sister抯 neighbour next Tuesday.
Richard: You want me to cancel it?
Monica: No! (pushes him) No!
Monica: 慍ause if you do that means you抎 be cancelling it for me, and we抮e just friends.
Richard: Exactly. (pushes her back)
[Scene: Central Perk, Robert is picking up Phoebe for a date.]
Phoebe: Hey. Ooh! Don抰 sit down!
Robert: You ready to go to the batting cage?
Phoebe: Yeah. And, first here抯 a gift.
Robert: Oh! Wow! Hey!
Chandler: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!
Robert: Jeez, thank you really that is so nice. But um, to be honest, I don抰 think I can wear these, they抮e so tight, I feel like I抦 on display. I抦 sorry.
Phoebe: That抯 all right, that抯 well, I figured.... (they start to leave as Joey enters.)
Robert: (to Joey) Hey!
Joey: Hey! (starts to laugh.) How抯 it going?
Joey: Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining?
Rachel: Oh, Danny just went into room 217.
Joey: Oooh, the next part抯 the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub...
Rachel: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you抮e gonna ruin it!
Joey: All right I抣l talk in code. (to Ross and Chandler) Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?
Chandler: Hmmm, that抯 very cool.
Joey: Oh, all blank, and no blank, make抯 blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww!
Rachel: Joey! I can抰 believe you just did that!
Chandler: I can抰 believe she cracked your code!
Rachel: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though she抯 still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy.
Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right, the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills the dad.
Rachel: Eh. Beth dies.
(Joey recoils and gasps in horror.)
Joey: Beth, Beth dies?
Joey: Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Chandler: No, Beth doesn抰 die, she doesn抰 die. Does she Rachel?
Ross: Joey抯 asking if you抳e just ruined the first book he抯 ever loved that didn抰 star Jack Nicholson?
Rachel: No. She doesn抰 die.
Joey: Then why would you say that?!
Rachel: Because, I wanted to hurt you.
Robert: (running in) Oh, there they are! I-I dropped my keys.
(He bends over to pick them up, right in front of Rachel, who then gets a free peep show.)
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my....
Robert: Got 慹m.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading The Shining, as Monica enters.]
Rachel: (screams and grabs a potato masher to defend herself) Sorry. I抦 sorry.
Monica: You would not believe my day! I had to work two shifts, and then to top it off, I lost one of my fake boobs, (opens her coat revealing a large burn mark over her left breast.) in a grill fire.
(Rachel starts laughing.)
Monica: What are you smiling at?
Rachel: I抦 sorry, I was just thinking you抮e day could still pick up.
Monica: Yeah, right.
(She goes into her bedroom, and sees Richard who has covered the room in roses and has two glasses of wine and a rose between his lips.)
Monica: I love this friend thing!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there.]
Phoebe: Listen, Robert抯 gonna be here any second so, will one of you just tell him?
Phoebe: Please, right now, no, every time I see him it抯 like 慖s it on the lose?? 慖s it watching me??br>
Chandler: We can抰 tell him, you can抰 go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff.
Ross: He抯 right, even if it抯 to say something complementary. (He stops and thinks about what he just said.)
Robert: (entering) Hey!
Robert: (to Phoebe) So are ready for the gym? They抳e got this new rock climbing wall, we can spot each other.
Phoebe: No, I can spot you from here.
Phoebe: Okay, listen Robert...
Ross: (to Chandler) Hey, don抰 we have to...
Chandler: Yeah, we got, um-hmm.
Phoebe: Umm, I think you抮e really, really great...
Robert: Oh God! Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? (spreads his legs) Is it something I抦 putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?
Phoebe: I-I-I-I-I don抰 know, I don抰 know what to say.
Gunther: (cleaning up the table) (to Robert) Hey buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back in the house.
(Robert looks down and realises the problem.)
[Scene: Richard抯 bedroom, Monica has covered it in rose pedals and candles. We hear Richard come in to the apartment, and Monica frantically throws the rest of the pedals on the bed, and jumps onto the bed and puts a rose in her mouth, and bites a thorn.]
Richard: (outside the bedroom) Really?! Well, it抯 just like everyone else抯 apartment. It抯 got rooms, walls, and ceilings.
Richard抯 Date: Well, I just wanted to see where you lived. Now, give me the tour.
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! (She frantically tries to clean up the bedroom as Richard starts the tour.)
Richard: Ah well, this is the living room.
Richard抯 Date: Impressive.
Richard: All right. This is the kitchen.
Richard抯 Date: Oh, that抯 real pretty. Wait a minute, don抰 I get to see the bedroom?
Richard: The bedroom. Well it抯 pretty much your typical... (opens the door as Monica hides under the covers, and quickly closes the door before his date can see the room.) bedroom.
Richard抯 Date: We抮e still on this side of the door.
Richard抯 Date: Yeah, but I didn抰 get to see it.
Richard: Oh shoot! Maybe next time. (yawns) Thanks for a lovely evening. (shows her out)
[Cut to into the bedroom, with Monica still hiding under the covers. Richard enters and sits down next to her.]
Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) So um, who was she?
Richard: Oh, (laughs) that was the blind date that I told you about, she called and switched it to today.
Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) Did you like her? And I抦 just asking as a friend, because I am totally fine with this.
Richard: Well, you seem fine.
Monica: (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I抦 not fine, I抦 not. I mean how can I be fine, hearing you come in with her, she wants to see your bedroom.... (pause) Y'know what, what if we抮e friends who don抰 see other people?
Richard: You mean like exclusive friends?
Monica: Why not?! I mean this has been the most amazing week. Would it be so terrible? Even if we were friends who lived together. Or, maybe someday friends who stood up in front of their other friends, and vowed to be friends forever.
Richard: Wow. Y'know we抮e back where we were. Honey, I would love to do all that, but nothing抯 changed.
Monica: That抯 not true, you don抰 have a moustache.
Richard: Okay, okay, one thing抯 changed. But we still want different things and we know how this is gonna end.
Monica: Y'know what, I抳e got to walk out of here right now, 慶ause getting over you is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I don抰 think I could do it again.
Richard: I know I couldn抰. So....
(Monica kisses him.)
Monica: How 慴out one last game of racquetball?
(They both kiss, and Richard picks her up and goes over to the bed and starts to lie down.)
Monica: Watch the thorns!
Richard: (lying down) Ow!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, and he抯 very dejected.]
Joey: Beth is really, really sick.
Joey: Jo抯 there, but I don抰 think there抯 anything she could do.
(Rachel hugs him)
Rachel: Do you want to put the book in the freezer?
Joey: (nodding his head) Okay.
(Joey hands her the book and she puts it in the freezer.)