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老友记第三季The One The Morning After

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“前情提要”我觉得自己好像没有女朋友你是不是要我辞职好让你觉得自己有女朋友?这又是为了马克吗?我的老天爷我的老天爷我不能老是跟你为同一件事情吵架也许我们应该冷静一下很好,你说得对我们冷静一下我们去吃冷冻优格我们分手吧然后我们大吵一架,弄得很僵我告诉他我想冷静一下我不想分开这太荒谬了我们不能沟通吗?你想喝什么?那是谁?没有人那是马克吗?亲爱的,他只是过来…好,我懂了来跳舞吧你是有妇之夫,是吧?因为这也无所谓 “第二天早上”昨晚的周年纪念日大餐怎么样?我们根本没机会吃晚餐很好我们分手了什么?我的天,喷到天花板了没关系这件事的重要性超过…天花板上的水果你们分手了?对,不过没关系罗斯走了以后,马克来了不会吧,你跟马克?没关系,别紧张马克跟我聊了很久我了解自己有多爱你的蠢大哥我们有问题,但我真心想跟他继续交往下去早安是我,我找了你一整夜我好难过我跟马克没有什么我们分手这事真是太愚蠢了对我这样折磨你,真对不起我不想用答录机和好我爱你我爱你跟你说,我要睡了但我明天早上上班的时候八点半过来,再见克萝伊,你好了没有?你觉得我应该买什么样的狗?买只大狗怎么样?可是我的公寓…那买小狗好了我们该走了等等,我的鞋子呢?你要穿鞋子?我们干嘛这么赶?我不是跟你提过我女友吗?结果她想跟我复合找到了那真是太好了你一定很高兴对,我是觉得很高兴祝你们好运谢谢你听到我的留言没有?你真准时我可以再当你的女朋友吗?当然可以,这样最好了你干嘛拖天花板?上面有香蕉有个印第安老女人的灵魂住在我家客厅里那你懂啦邮差来过了我帮你把邮件拿上来很好,谢谢那是法布科技的东西吗?不要看不起我,好吗?我看到这个我发誓我从来没有…买过购物频道的东西除了这只拖把以外不过这个刮腿毛膏很棒刮刮看!对,你看过?这太棒了我早就想当刮刮看女郎我知道你觉得这真的不会痛吗?怎么会不痛的呢?哈罗,最近才在雨林发现的有机物质?里面都是上等货我的天我的天我们找不到你还以为你去跟瑞秋和好了其实应该这样才对你说呢?我完蛋了,我该怎么办?瑞秋满口说着“我爱你”而我脑子里只想着…如果我把实情告诉她她会怎么样?首先,我们应该谈比较重要的问题你到底有多蠢?我们努力想恢复这份感情,好吗?如果不诚实,还谈什么感情?我也赞成要坦承,真的不过会惹麻烦的事还是少说为妙他说的对,这对谁都没好处只会让你伤害她到时候感情也没了你不觉得…如果你非说不可至少先等适当的时机再说所以临终之前才要忏悔好吧好好,我们必须确定她不会从其它管道知道你觉得有没有串连?什么串连?从跟你做这件事的女人到你千方百计要隐瞒的女人永远不要忘了中间的串连我想应该没有任何串连克萝伊的同事艾塞克…艾塞克的妹妹洁丝敏是菲比在按摩中心的同事菲比是瑞秋的朋友这就是串连,我找到了把刮腿毛膏和麻布条贴在腿毛上好了抓住突出的布条瞬间扯下来,完全无痛这不是无痛的吗?不,痛死了我的天,这应该叫痛痛膏加一点腿毛膏广告上的女孩好像不觉得有这么痛那是因为她们太笨所以神经都死掉了如果你不相信我的话尽管自己试试看这下你该庆幸我们没有贴比基尼布条了吧?克萝伊,嗨是为了我拿走你的手表吗?你拿了我的手表?对不起,我有这种习惯你留着吧,听我说你把我们的事跟别人说了吗?没有,我觉得不关别人的事没错,那你没有告诉艾塞克罗?我什么事都告诉艾塞克真的?那当然啦嗨,艾塞克我们还没有正式见过面你这只发情的小狗对,我想我是一只小狗不过我有个女朋友对,咖啡厅的瑞秋我不想伤害她我知道不管我们有多爱她们一夫一妻制是违反人性的听我说可以替我保守秘密吗?没问题我们要互相关照才行你跟我是一样的其实我们是不一样的一样的不一样一样不一样好,不一样对不过我们是一样的好,我只想知道你不会告诉你妹妹我可以保证不会再跟她说洁丝敏?我们在菲比的生日派对见过,我是罗斯你做了一件坏事没错坏透了不可原谅我完全同意你的话听我说,你告诉菲比没有?拜托你不要说我很爱我的女朋友希望跟她继续交往好吧谢谢你…不过你应该去找我的室友我跟他说了,他也认识菲比你的室友是谁?告诉我你没有告诉瑞秋我跟影印店那女孩的事对不起难道我不该说?我们没事我们只是在刮腿把腿刮掉?告诉你们,男人永远不会经历这种痛苦你最好不要说这种话除非你的重要部位…曾经被狠狠踢过只不过女人的门槛比男人低罢了拜托,只不过是一点腿毛膏是吗?过来你太幼稚了现在撕掉就好了吗?没错拜托你跟我说话跟你说话?我连看都不想看你一眼不痛了她说没事了他们在说些什么?你滚远一点我犯错了,好吗?犯错?你放到哪里去了?她的皮包里?他放到哪里了?你跟另外一个女人上床我的天我早就知道有事我的指甲昨天一点都没长长我想是他们吵了一架他喝醉了…你们男生早就知道却没跟我们说?他走桃花运,我们却要挨打我要你马上离开,滚出去我要留下来好好谈这件事好,她怎么样?什么?她厉害不厉害?不要回答你说要好好谈谈我们就来谈,她怎么样?逊不怎么样烂透了,跟你没得此她不一样好的不一样?没有人喜欢改变够了,什么?好……我们该做些什么吗?对,永远不要欺骗瑞秋对不起,好吗?我很抱歉我当时很受不了我自己今天早上,我很难过然后收到你的留言我好高兴我一心只想把她赶出我的公寓…等一下你的小朋友是几点离开的?我的天,她在?她那时还在你家?我在你家的时候她也在?听我说,重点是她对我毫无意义却值得你为她破坏我们的关系那时候我不知道我们还有关系我们分手了只是暂时冷静一下对我来说,那可能是一辈子那就是分手你想用技术性细节逃掉吗?我不想逃掉什么我以为我们的关系完了你马上就去享艳福了我想我们不该再听下去了你干嘛?我们不能出去为什么不行?我饿了因为他们会知道我们在偷听老天,我还得从甘瑟那里听到这件事我到处奔波就是不想让你知道你好体贴我想我又重新爱上你了我们可以出去了他们有其它的事要担心不会有事的瑞秋,我早就想告诉你我觉得我应该告诉你但是钱德和乔伊叫我不要说把门用腊封起来我们再也不走了我是菲比,李哈克先生九点来得有人帮我代班因为现在已经九点一刻我人还没到之所以会发生这种事都是因为…我以为那时候你在跟马克上床好就说我跟马克上了床你可以原谅我吗?我会的你不介意马克吻我跟我裸裎相见跟我做爱?要是你知道我们火热汗湿、翻滚的身体…我会不知如何是好不过我还是想跟你在一起因为,是你啊说吧,告诉我你在想什么我想……叫一个披萨叫一个披萨,意思是, “我原谅你”?老天披萨?我喜欢吃披萨披萨上面放橄榄枝我们可以吃腿毛膏那是有机的太好了,连毛一起吃下去不,我不是说用过的因为那样很神经?可以算我一份吗?因为我也饿了好我想要一份大号的披萨我不要放鳀鱼多加一份鳀鱼没关系,我挑掉就好了麻烦你拿些鳀鱼剁碎了搅到酱汁里好吗?你想吃的话,最后一块给你应该的,你跟别人上床了他们应该会和好吧?当然啦,他们是罗斯跟瑞秋呢他们非和好不可万一他们不能和好呢?你们觉得我需要新的走路姿势吗?什么?我从高中开始走路的姿势都一样你知道有些人不管到哪里就吸引所有人的目光我想我需要吸引目光的走路姿势你说真的吗?你现在连话都不跟我说了听我说,对不起我很抱歉,我当时疯了我以为我会失去你不知道如何是好我一定是完全疯了才会做这种事我不是对爱情不忠的人我不是这种人,我不是乔伊现在是半夜三点了他们还不知道我已经回家了他们也没奇怪我到哪里去了人有时候就是只想到自己你知道吗?不是我要冷静一下的是你要离开的,是你…是你在事情不顺利的时候逃跑的那那怎么样既不是当时,也不是现在现在我们…又是进退两难你打算怎么办?你打算怎么处理?你想继续努力还是逃跑?听我说,我做了一件过份而且非常愚蠢的事对不起,我希望能改变历史但是不可能我只是不能眼睁睁看着一段美好的感情就此破灭我好爱你不要,罗斯,不要你不能吻我两下就让整件事烟消云散事情不是这样的这样只会越弄越糟我觉得你应该离开什么?我真的觉得你该走了今天早上你还说我们什么事情都可以沟通我那时候知道什么?我们一定有办法度过这一关我不能想象没有你的日子没有这双手臂你的脸孔和你的心你善良的心,瑞秋…我办不到你在我眼里完全变了我以前总觉得你永远永远不会伤害我永远不会现在我满脑子都是你跟她的画面我做不到你说什么、做什么都没用一切都不能回头了永远不能不可能会这样那为什么事实就是如此?他们好久没动静了也许她把他杀了我们走吧这是你新的走路姿势吗?不是,我快尿出来了

The One The Morning After

Joey: (Voice Over) Previously on Friends.

[A montage of scenes from TOW Ross and Rachel Take A Break follows.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]

Ross: I mean, I don抰 feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore.

Rachel: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you抳e got a girlfriend?

Ross: Is this about Mark?

Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.

Ross: Okay, it抯 not, it抯 not.

Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break.

Ross: Fine, you抮e right. Let抯 ah, let抯 take a break, (goes to the door) let抯 cool off, okay, let抯 get some frozen yoghurt, or something.. (opens the door)

Rachel: No. A break from us.

(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.]

Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don抰 want to take a break.

Ross: (on the phone) I抳e been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don抰, don抰 you think we can work on this?

Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink?

Ross: Who抯 that?

Rachel: Nobody.

Ross: Is that Mark?

Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to....

Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams down the phone)

[Scene: The Philly.]

Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you married? 慍ause that抯 okay.

[Cut to Chloe and Ross dancing, and their kiss.]


THE NEXT MORNING

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a fruit drink in the blender, Rachel has just finished her shower and is coming out of the bathroom.]

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: How抯 the big anniversary dinner?

Rachel: Well, we never actually got to dinner.

Monica: Ohhh, nice.

Rachel: No, we kinda broke up instead.

Monica: What?! (She accidentally starts the blender without the lid on it and fruit flies everywhere.)

Rachel: (looking up at the ceiling) God, Monica it抯 on the ceiling.

Monica: That抯 okay, this is more important than fruit (pause) (angrily) on my ceiling! You broke up?!

Rachel: Yeah, but it抯 okay, because when Ross left Mark came over.

Monica: Oh no!!

Rachel: No.

Monica: Rachel, you and Mark?!

Rachel: No, no-no, it抯 okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work.

[Scene: Ross抯 Bedroom, Ross is waking up. He straightens himself out on the bed and puts the covers over his head.]

Chloe: (entering from bathroom) Morning!

(Ross sits bolt upright, without moving the covers.)


OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Ross抯 Kitchen, Ross is taking some aspirin and checking his messages.]

Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi, it抯 me. I抳e been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid.

Ross: Yeah!!

Rachel: Eh, I抦 just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I don抰 want to get back together over a machine.

Ross: Na-huh.

Rachel: So, I love you.

Ross: I love you.

Rachel: And y'know what, I抦 gonna, I抦 gonna go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I抦 gonna stop by around 8:30.

Ross: Okay. (Ross starts frantically looking for a clock.)

Rachel: Bye.

(Ross finds a clock, sees it抯 almost 8:30, and silently screams.)

Ross: Chloe, Chloe how抯 it coming?!!

Chloe: (entering from bedroom) Hey, what kind of puppy do you think I should get?

Ross: Umm, oh, hey, I don抰 know. How about a big one?

Chloe: But my apartment is so...

Ross: Well then a small one!! Listen, let抯, we kinda have to get going!

Chloe: Wait! Where抯 my shoes?

Ross: You, you sure you need shoes? (Chloe nods her head) Okay. (reaches down and picks up a shoe)

Chloe: Do I know why we抮e rushing?

Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (He抯 frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!

Chloe: That抯 so great for you guys!

Ross: Yeah!

Chloe: You must be so happy!

Ross: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I抦 feeling. Well.... (picks up her coat)

Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend.

Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!!

Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.

Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.

Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again?

Ross: Yes, you can, very much.

(Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.)

Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering carry a large box, Monica is mopping the ceiling.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?

Monica: Oh, there抯 banana on it.

Phoebe: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine.

Monica: So then you know? (Phoebe nods her head)

Phoebe: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail.

Monica: Oh, good. Thanks.

Phoebe: Now what is Fabutec?

Monica: Okay, all right don抰 judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing....

Phoebe: Waxine!!

Monica: Yes! Have you seen it?

Phoebe: Oh, it抯 incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.

Monica: I know!!

Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesn抰 hurt? 慍ause how can they do that?

Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest!

Phoebe: They have the best stuff in there.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has told Chandler and Joey his terrible act.]

Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God!

Joey: Yeah. We figured when we couldn抰 find you, you抎 gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh?

Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, I抦 in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel抯 all like, 慖 love you and, and let抯 work on this.? And all I can think about is, 慦hat is she gonna do? What is she gonna say??when I tell her what I did.

Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you?

Ross: What?! Look, we抮e trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other?

Joey: Look, Ross look, I抦 on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff that抯 gonna get you in trouble.

Chandler: He抯 right. Nobody抯 gonna benefit, and you抮e just gonna hurt her.

Joey: Yeah, and there won抰 be a relationship left to rebuild.

Ross: Yeah, but don抰 you think....

Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing抯 right. And that抯 what deathbeds are for.

Ross: Yeah, okay. (he plops down into one of the leather chairs, with the footrest extended.)

Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn抰 find out some other way. (spins the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did you think about the trail?

Ross: What trail?

Joey: (stomps on the footrest which pops Ross up into a sitting position) The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! (slapping his hands with each word) You always have to think about the trail!

Ross: Oh, I-I don抰 think there抯 any trail.

Chandler: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac抯 sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe抯 friends with Rachel. And that抯 the trail, I did it!

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are waxing their legs.]

Phoebe: (reading from the instructions) After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one,

Monica: Did that!

Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its 慹asy grab tab?and pull it off in one quick pain free motion.

Monica: Okay. (Does so.) Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh!

Phoebe: Was it not pain-free?

Monica: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax.

Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don抰 seem to think it抯 that bad.

Monica: That抯 because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don抰 believe me, please, by my guest.

Phoebe: (Removing one of the strips) Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!!

Monica: Now, are you glad we didn抰 start with the bikini strips?

[Scene: The Xerox Place, Ross is trying to break the trail.]

Ross: (entering) Chloe? Hi..

Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch?

Ross: You took my watch?

Chloe: I抦 sorry, I do that.

Ross: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us?

Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn抰 really anybody抯 business, y'know.

Ross: Exactly. So you didn抰, didn抰 mention anything to Issac right?

Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything.

Ross: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven抰 actually met...

Issac: You dog!

Ross: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a girlfriend.

Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place.

Ross: Yeah, that抯 the one. Listen, I don抰 want to hurt her.

Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn抰 matter how much we love 慹m, monogamy is too cruel a rule.

Ross: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself?

Issac: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We抮e the same, you and me.

Ross: Actually, no, we抮e not.

Issac: Yeah, we are.

Ross: No, we抮e not.

Issac: Yeah, we are.

Ross: No, we抮e not!!

Issac: Okay, we抮e not.

Ross: Right.

Issac: But, we are.

Ross: Fine. I just need to know that you抮e not gonna tell your sister.

Issac: I can promise not to tell her again.

[Scene: Phoebe抯 Work, Ross is now trying to stop Jasmine from telling Phoebe.]

Ross: (entering out of breath) Jasmine?

Jasmine: Uh-huh.

Ross: We met at Phoebe抯 birthday party, I抦, I抦 Ross Geller.

Jasmine: You did a bad thing!

Ross: Yes, I did.

Jasmine: Very bad!

Ross: Very bad.

Jasmine: Very, very bad.

Ross: I抦 agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe yet?

Jasmine: No.

Ross: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don抰. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay?

Jasmine: All right.

Ross: Thank you, thank you.

Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too.

Ross: (angrily) Who抯 your roommate?

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is wiping down the counter as Ross rushes in.]

Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn抰 say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.

Gunther: I抦 sorry. Was I not supposed to?

(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.)


COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica抯 Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are removing the rest of their wax strips.]

Monica: Ow!

Phoebe: Oh!!

Monica: Ow!! Ow!!

Phoebe: Ow!!!

Monica and Phoebe: Ow!!!!!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow!

(Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush in. Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea kettle.)

Phoebe: We抮e all right.

Monica: It抯 okay, it抯 okay.

Phoebe: We抮e all right.

Monica: We were just waxing our legs.

Chandler: Off?!!

Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.

Chandler: Yeah, well I don抰 think you can make that statement, unless you抳e been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.

Joey: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that抯 all. I mean, come on, it抯 just a little wax.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, come here. (Puts a little wax on Joey抯 arm and puts a strip on it.)

Chandler: Oh, that抯 mature.

Joey: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: That抯 right.

(Joey laughs, pulls it off, then does a high-pitched whine.)

[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is trying to close the door on Ross.]

Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler slowly closes the door, and we hear Rachel from the living room.]

Rachel: I can抰 talk to you. I can抰 even look at you right now!

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing, nothing.

Monica: (going over to listen at the door) Rachel said everything was okay.

Phoebe: (to Joey) What, what are they talking about?

Ross: Rachel?

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Just get away from me!

Ross: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay?

Rachel: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Phoebe: Whe-where did he put it?!

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Ross, you had sex with another woman!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp.]

Monica: Oh my God.

Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.

Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk....

Monica: Oh!! (hits Chandler and Joey in the head) You guys knew about this and you didn抰 tell us?!

Chandler: (to Joey) He has sex, and we get hit in our heads.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!

Ross: No!!

Rachel: Just get out! Now!!

Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this.

Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she?

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: What?

Rachel: Was she good?

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Don抰 answer that.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let抯 talk about it!! How was she?

Ross: She was...

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Awful! Horrible!

Chandler: She was not good. Not good.

Joey: She was nothing compared to you.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: She, she was different.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Ewwwww!

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Good different?

Ross: Nobody likes change.

(Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.)

Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Phoebe: Should we do something?

Chandler: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: I抦 sorry, okay, I抦 sorry. I wa-I was disgusted with myself, and this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible.

Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? (Ross can抰 answer that) Oh my God. She was there? She was still there? She was in there, when I was in there?!

(Ross hands Rachel back the newspaper, and she starts beating him with it again.)

Ross: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant nothing to me!

Rachel: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!!

(She throws the paper at him, misses and hits Monica抯 door, they all jump back at the sound.)

Ross: Look, I didn抰 think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up.

Rachel: We were on a break!

Ross: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up.

Rachel: You think you抮e gonna get out of this on a technicality?

Ross: Look, I抦 not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dead!

Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Y'know what, I don抰 think we should listen to this anymore. (Goes to open the door)

Monica: (stopping him) What, what are you doing? You can抰 go out there.

Joey: Why not?! (to Chandler) I抦 hungry.

Monica: Because they抣l know we抳e been listening.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!!

Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn抰 happen!

Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I抦 falling in love with you all over again.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about.

Joey: Yeah, we抣l be fine.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: (handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, we抮e never leaving, ever.

[Later, Phoebe is on the phone, they抮e all still trapped in Monica抯 bedroom.]

Phoebe: Hi, it抯 Phoebe. Listen someone抯 gonna have to take my 9:00 with Mr. Rehack, 慶ause it抯 like 9:15 now, and I抦 not there.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Don抰 you realise none of this would抳e ever happened if I didn抰 think at that same moment you weren抰 having sex with Mark?

Rachel: All right. Let抯 say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?

Ross: (pause) Yes I would.

Rachel: You抎 be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me?

Ross: (less sure) Yes.

Rachel: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were....

Ross: (covering his ears and screaming) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it抯, I mean it抯 you.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

All: Ohhhhh!

[Later, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the kitchen.]

Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you抮e thinking?

Rachel: I抦 thinking, I抦 gonna order a pizza.

Ross: Order a pizza like, 慖 forgive you??br>
(She turns around and glares at him, he turns away.)

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. (makes like he is trying to send a telepathic message to Rachel) Put olives on the pizza.

Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It抯 organic.

Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.

Phoebe: No, not the used wax.

Chandler: Because that would be crazy?

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I抦 kinda hungry myself.

Rachel: Fine. (on phone) Hi! Yes, I抎 like to order a large pizza.

Ross: No anchovies.

Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies.

Ross: That抯 okay, I抣l just pick 慹m off.

Rachel: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce?

[Cut to later, they are finishing up the pizza, there抯 one piece left.]

Ross: You can have the last piece, if you want.

Rachel: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, they抮e all eating the wax, Chandler and Phoebe, don抰 like it. Joey tries some and makes a face like: 慔ey, that抯 not so bad.抅

Phoebe: They抮e gonna get through this, aren抰 they?

Chandler: Yeah, come on, it抯 Ross and Rachel, they抳e got too.

Monica: What if they don抰?

(Long pause.)

Joey: You think I need a new walk?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Well y'know, I抳e been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 憈ake notice?walk.

Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

[Later, in the living room, Rachel is sitting on the couch, Ross is on the chair.]

Ross: What, now you抮e not even taking to me? (moves over to the coffee table) Look Rachel, I-I抦 sorry, okay, I抦 sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought I抎 lost you, I didn抰 know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don抰 cheat right, I, that抯 not me, I抦 not Joey!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Whoa-ho-ho! (He looks at Chandler, who gives him a 慶ome on?look.) Yeah, okay.

Monica: Hey. It抯 three in the morning. They don抰 know that I抳e come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am.

Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Y'know what, y'know what, I抦-I抦 not the one that wanted that, that break, okay. You抮e the one that bailed on us. You抮e the one that, that ran when things got just a little rough!

Rachel: That抯....

Ross: That抯 what?!

Rachel: That is neither here nor there.

Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we抮e in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? (sits down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge of tears) I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I抦 sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can抰. (We see Monica and Phoebe are almost in tears.) I just can抰 see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much.

(He kisses her on her shoulder, then her neck, then the side of her face, then just before he kisses her on the lips....)

Rachel: No Ross!! (stands up and moves away from him) Don抰! You can抰 just kiss me and think you抮e gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn抰 work that way. It doesn抰 just make it better. Okay?

Ross: Okay, okay, okay.

Rachel: (softly) I think you should go.

Ross: What?

Rachel: (softly) I really think you need to go now.

Ross: (moving over to stand in front of her) Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn抰 work past it together...

Rachel: Yeah, what the hell did I know!

Ross: Look, look, there抯 got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I can抰 imagine, I can抰 imagine my life without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and....

Rachel: (crying) No. I can抰, you抮e a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can抰 stop picturing with her, I can抰, (Ross stands up and backs away) it doesn抰 matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It抯 just changed, everything. Forever.

[We see the rest of them are now crying.]

Ross: (crying) Yeah, but this can抰 be it, I mean.

(pause)

Rachel: Then how come it is?


CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica抯 bedroom.]

Phoebe: They抳e been quiet for a long time.

Joey: Maybe she killed him?

Chandler: Let抯 go.

[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is sleeping on the couch, Ross is gone, the rest of them can finally emerge from their cell. They all wave good bye, and start to walk quietly out, as Monica goes and puts a blanket on Rachel. Joey starts walking all hunched over and bobbing his shoulders as he goes.]

Chandler: (to Joey) Is that your new walk?

Joey: (whispering) No, I really have to pee.

END

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