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老友记第三季The One With The Hypnosis Tape

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你在笑什么?没有,这是演技练习我在练假笑你在笑什么?不行,店里不准抽烟至少让我抽完这一根好,但你得分我一口妖女,我又吻上你的唇了整根都给你吧这是最不好玩的游戏我受够了,我带了一样东西可以帮助你戒烟这个戒烟贴布不好用这是催眠录音带我一个同事听了两星期后再也没抽过烟你有什么意见?没什么,只不过催眠是骗人的我在亚特兰大看过你被催眠那家伙没把我催眠,好吗?是啊,你总是脱裤子用屁股“通杀”别用催眠了想戒烟就得去石南地上裸舞然后用六个壮丁的汗水沐浴我爸管它叫“周四夜狂欢”对不起天哪,法兰克你好吗?你怎么来了?我本来想先打电话但是号码弄丢了我妈把我锁在门外我没办法进去找我找了一具公共电话话筒却被剪断了怎么了?有人破坏公物那你和你妈怎么了?我们吵架,她说我不够成熟,不能结婚你要结婚了?我的弟弟要结婚了我就知道你会替我高兴你想见她吗?你说呢?你想吗?当然想太好了,她正在停卡车我去带我的未婚妻来我就知道他会最早结婚这不是很棒吗?你不觉得他稍嫌年轻?他已经18岁了他在最后单身派对上不能喝酒也不能叫鸡叫鸡本来就违法这是我的未婚妻奈特老师那是我姐姐说来好笑法兰克经常提到你你却跟我想象的不一样是啊,我很令人意外坐吧你们是怎么认识的?我去上奈特老师的…我是说爱丽丝抱歉,我老是叫错我去上她的家政课他是我最好的学生她是我最好的老师真是让学生不跷课的好方法你们要结婚了?我们本来只考虑同居但是我们想马上生小孩天哪太好了小孩?法兰克你真的准备好了?能有多难?谁不想要小宝宝,对吧?而且我一直没有爸爸陪伴以后就有了,因为我就是爸爸我们知道我们的岁数差很多那就好你们看起来好像不知道但是在爱情里,年龄不是问题你正在进入梦乡越睡越沉,越睡越沉你已经睡着了你不需要抽烟香烟不能控制你你是坚强、有自信的女性你不需要抽烟坚强、有自信的女性你知道吗?我发现去年我只和李察、胡立欧交往过你得帮我牵线,让我重回情场没问题我在时装界工作身边全是异性恋好男人你还要什么?起司蛋糕和一次约会,如果有的话我们不是谈过了吗?你刚才对她说…你想跟我约会是因为我是金发、波霸还端吃的给你那我找我姑姑就行了我们一起出门两次,都蛮惨的你觉得她应该和我约会吧?你真的想跟她约会?早上会惨不忍睹喔假发乱成一团义乳扔在床头柜上你考虑一下我会的我知道这是法兰克的人生我不想批评但这样是变态的,是错的!因为年龄的关系?我本来不在乎年龄直到她把舌头往我弟的喉咙伸菲比,他看起来很爽等他忙着帮一堆宝宝换尿布你觉得他还会爽吗?这样对法兰克不公平也对宝宝不公平这可不是好的家政你跟他说过吗?有,但没有说出声音你不说,他就要结婚了你会恨你自己我要是说了,他会恨我你看看他和他妈妈,我不能说但是你们可以,你们去劝阻他拜托啦你们没有损失我却会失去一切你们要我失去一切吗?好,我去找法兰克刚才走在街上,我对你说 “去脱衣酒吧坐坐”记得吗?然后你说“去你家就好了”好明智啊,猪头你应该跟他约会他对我一点吸引力也没有上周六的“猛龙过江”演什么?沃克在找一车子的小孩…我懂你的意思了我一年前就忘了它的密码我只是抬着装样子你们有护唇膏吗?录音带听得怎样?很有效,我今天还没抽烟清爽又有自信好漂亮的上衣谢谢拿去谢了给彼特一个机会他既风趣,人又好而且支票的事好可爱什么支票?有个喜欢我的顾客开玩笑给我两万元的小费他的电话在支票上他要我打给他彼特贝克,彼特…是他吗?那是总统他抱着谁?天哪,是彼特总统为什么抱着彼特?他发明了摩斯865全世界的公司都在用这个程序我们也在用摩妮卡要跟百万富翁约会了我才不跟他约会这居然是真的两万元支票好兴奋喔或是令人火大对,也有怎样?我们的意思是,不要操之过急你想想:你18岁,她44岁等你36岁,她就88岁了你以为我不知道?重点是…你还可以跟很多女人上床他说得对,这是你的天下你年轻,你古怪女生最喜欢了跟一个你很喜欢的人做感觉不是更棒?在诗里吧不,他说得对我跟瑞秋就是那样现在没有了?没了,我跟别人上了床等等,那样对事情有帮助吗?没有你跟瑞秋的感觉就是我和爱丽丝的感觉那是什么感觉?很棒的感觉因为跟她在一起比不跟她在一起快乐多了我为什么找不到?我拥有过,却搞砸了我想要你一定可以拥有也许我有毛病你会找到的我见过,也拥有了那你就要好好把握好死小子,恭喜你你是法兰克的伴郎?我没办法,他们的爱好纯洁那你呢?我帮他拿戒指你来了就好我有一个家政惨案天哪,谁死了?芥末酱倒了你有办法吗?当然有,先用苏打水加盐清洗要是洗不掉,就…算了,它已经毁了别这么说,要是洗不掉就剪掉脏污部份缝一点蕾丝就是一条漂亮的遮布又或者,你可以不要嫁给我弟弟能不能让它小到可以放在针尖上?我喜欢生产这种小东西摩妮卡盖勒来访好的,让她进来这是什么意思?等一下…明天早上再谈?好的对不起,什么?这是什么意思?我一直不会算小费把加税乘以二不是把罗马尼亚的税收乘以二你要买我吗?你都这样约女孩子?我还在你误会了要是我没给这笔小费你就不会来,我们不会争吵也不会有这种紧张的气氛你得承认我们的关系有进展了以前你是厨师,我是顾客现在我们是两个争吵的人你是个疯子别管这张支票了,我喜欢你我觉得你很棒怎么样?我不知道为什么?我不想鼓励这种行为我只求一顿饭,好吗?我们出去吃饭要是玩得不开心我给你一万,我们扯平不,把信放下,是我对不起,你怎么不开灯?你的衣服好香,我就窝在里面没关系吧?没关系今天过得怎样?可能是我有生以来最惨的一天怎么了?爱丽丝改变心意了她有说原因吗?没有,她只说我太年轻我怎么突然变年轻了?刚交往时,她还说我老成不晓得,但是你知道吗?或许这样也好是啊,但是我好痛苦亲爱的我好不容易感到快乐这是生平第一次先是爸爸离开我…然后偷鸟被逮捕…然后又肺穿孔天气一冷,我还是很难深呼吸但是有了爱丽丝这些都不见了现在我失去了,却不知道原因我可以告诉你,是我害的不过我是爱你才这么做什么?我跟爱丽丝聊了一下让她明白你们为何不能在一起你总有一天也会明白,真的等一下,是你造成的?我妈反对我们在一起但是她顶多把我绑在门廊上我觉得你能了解,所以来找你我很想摔门走人但是我没钱、没地方去天哪,大富豪来了天哪我只是要跟他吃顿饭他请你吃饭并不代表你欠他什么我知道那记得点龙虾你口袋里有多少现金?我就不请你进来坐了进来坐一下嘛你想去哪里?喜欢吃披萨吗?听起来不错有一家馆子不错我不能让你付钱这样很公平,你出了机票钱这些里拉够吗?再丢个一千这样是多少?大约60毛美金每天晚上都这样你不需要抽烟香烟不能控制你你是坚强、有自信的女性你不需要抽烟坚强、有自信的女性不需要抽烟我知道你觉得我做了大坏事但是我没有有一个人可以解释得此我清楚奈特老师法兰克,菲比说得对这话不中听,但我们不该结婚我太自私了我们现在追求相同的东西未来却不见得如此对不对?对,但不只如此不只如此虽然我们现在非常相爱然而然而……你还年轻…不晓得你要什么没错你们在吻别,很好再见总之希望你了解我的意思这么做摆明是错的我绝不会袖手旁观我要拿皮包好吧,算了香烟不能控制你你是坚强、有自信的女性你不需要抽烟乔伊是你最要好的朋友你要每天为他做起司三明治你还要送他一条几百块的裤子

The One With The Hypnosis Tape

[Scene: Central Perk, all but Chandler are there, Joey laughs for no apparent reason.]

Monica: (to Joey) What抯 so funny?

Joey: Oh, nothing, no. It抯 an acting exercise, I抦 practising my fake laugh.

Monica: Oh. (she laughs)

Joey: What-what抯 so funny?

(Chandler enters with a cigarette.)

Gunther: (to Chandler) Oh, no-no, no-no-no, there抯 none of that in here.

Chandler: Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one.

Gunther: Okay, but only if you give me a drag.

Chandler: Okay.

(Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he takes a long drag.)

Gunther: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit. (hands Chandler back the cigarette.)

Chandler: No-no, why don抰 you hang on to that one.

(He goes and sits down next to Rachel and puts a cigarette in his mouth, which Rachel takes away from him. He puts another cigarette in his mouth, and Rachel takes it away again.)

Chandler: Okay, that抯 like the least fun game ever.

Rachel: Well, I抦 really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit. (hands him an audio cassette)

Chandler: Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop smoking patch, and it falls off.) Nope, that patch is no good. (Joey and Monica both do their fake laughs.)

Rachel: Come on, it抯 a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn抰 smoked since.

Ross: Pffhah.

Rachel: (to Ross) What抯 your problem?

Ross: Nothing, it抯 just that hypnosis is beyond crap.

Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City.

Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay.

Rachel: Oh right, 慶ause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks.

Phoebe: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.

Chandler: Or what my Father called Thursday night.


OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Ross is handing Rachel a cup of coffee.]

Ross: Here you go.

Rachel: Oh, y'know what, I didn抰 want cinnamon on this.

Ross: Sorry. (To remedy that, Ross scoops the cinnamon off of the top with his hand.)

Frank: (entering) Hi!

Phoebe: Oh my God!!

Frank: Hi!

Phoebe: Frank! Hi!

Frank: How are you?

Phoebe: What are you doing here?

Frank: Oh, well y'know, I would抳e called but I lost your phone number and then ah, my Mom locked me out of the house so I couldn抰 find it. And then, I tried to find a pay phone, and ah, the receiver was cut off. So...

Phoebe: What happened?

Frank: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism.

Phoebe: But, also, what happened between you and your Mom?

Frank: Well, we got into a fight 慶ause ah, she said I was to immature to get married.

Phoebe: Your getting married?!

Frank: Oh, yeah!

All: Wow!

Phoebe: My little brother抯 getting married!!

Frank: Oh, I knew you抎 be so cool about this. All right, ah, hey, do you want to meet her?

Phoebe: Do I?

Frank: Do you?

Phoebe: Yeah, I do, yeah.

Frank: Okay, cool, all right, she just ah, parking the truck. (to Joey) I抦 gonna, I抦 gonna get my ah, my fianc閑 man!

Chandler: Y'know, I would抳e bet good money that he抎 be the first one of us to get married.

Phoebe: Yeah, isn抰 it fantastic?

Monica: Yeah, ah, but Pheebs don抰 you think he抯 a little young to get married?

Phoebe: What, he抯 18.

Ross: Exactly, it抣l be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.

Joey: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker.

Chandler: Always illegal Joe.

Frank: (entering with his fianc閑 Alice, who is obviously much, much older than he is) Hey! Hey! This is ah, my fianc閑, Mrs. Knight. (he points out Phoebe to her)

Alice: Y'know it-it抯 funny, um, Frank told me so much about you, but your not how I pictured you at all.

Phoebe: Yeah, I抦 a big surprise.

(Ross lets them both sit in his chair.)

Monica: So, um, how-how did you guys meet?

Frank: Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight抯 ah, I mean Alice, sorry, Alice, I always do that. I was in her ah, Home Ec class.

Alice: And he was my best student.

Frank: Yeah, she was my best teacher.

Alice: Ohhh. (They embrace in a very passionate kiss.)

Chandler: If that doesn抰 keep kids in school, what will?

Ross: And so now you guys are gonna be married?

Alice: Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just living together, but um, we want to have kids right away.

(Both Chandler and Phoebe have shocked looks on their faces.)

Rachel: Oh my God!! Great!

Phoebe: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure you抮e ready for that?

Frank: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean, y'know, babies, y'know who doesn抰 want babies right? And besides y'know, I never had a Dad around, and ah, now-now I always will, 慶ause y'know, it抣l be me. Right?

Alice: Y'know, I mean, really we do realise that there抯 an age difference between us.

Phoebe: Oh good! Okay. 慍ause you were acting like you didn抰.

Alice: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what does age matter?

(They both growl and hiss at each other and then kiss passionately again.)

[Scene: Chandler抯 bedroom, Chandler is listening to the hypnosis tape.]

Hypnosis Tape: You are falling fast asleep. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. You are now completely asleep. You don抰 need to smoke. Cigarettes don抰 control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman.

[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Monica is working, Rachel is having lunch.]

Monica: And y'know what, I just realised, in the last year I抳e only gone out with two guys, Richard and Julio. You gotta help me out here, you gotta set me up, you gotta get me back in the game.

Rachel: Well, that shouldn抰 be a problem. I mean I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible straight men.

Monica: (to a customer) Pete, can I get you something else?

Pete: Yeah, a slice of cheesecake and-and a date if you抮e given?慹m out.

Monica: Haven抰 you and I covered that topic?

Pete: Hmm, come on, you just said to her that you?

Monica: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.

Pete: Well, if that were true, I抎 dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on, you think she should go out with me, don抰 you?

Rachel: (laughs) Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? I mean that ain抰 a pretty picture in the morning, y択now what I mean. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the night stand, y'know.

Monica: I mean really, think about it.

Pete: Ho-ho, I will.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are being lectured by Phoebe.]

Phoebe: No, I know, I know, that this is Frank抯 life, (walks behind them, they turn around in the leather chairs to face her) y'know. Y'know, I don抰 want to be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick, it抯 sick and wrong!

Ross: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing?

Phoebe: No-no, oh, I抦 fine with the age thing y'know, until it starts sticking it抯 tongue down my little brother抯 throat!

Joey: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.

Phoebe: But, I mean, do you think he抯 gonna enjoy it when he抯 up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! This is not fair to Frank, (she walks behind them again, and hey again turn to follow her) and it-it抯 not fair to the babies, and y'know what, it抯 not good home economics.

Joey: Well, have-have you told him how you feel?

Phoebe: Yes. Not out loud.

Ross: Pheebs, if you don抰 tell him, soon he抯 gonna be married, and then you抮e gonna hate yourself.

Phoebe: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he抯 gonna hate myself. I mean look at him and his Mom, I can抰. (pause) But, you guys can, please you gotta talk him out of it.

Ross and Joey: No-no-no-no-no. (They start to turn away, but Phoebe stops them, and turns them back to face her.)

Phoebe: Come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, I have everything to lose. Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?!

Ross and Joey: No.

Phoebe: Okay, I抦 gonna go get Frank. (exits)

Joey: So, we抮e walking down the street and I turn to you and I say, 揌ey, let抯 go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes,?remember? And then, and then, you turn to me and say, 揘ah, let抯 just hang out at your place.? Well, that was a nice move dumb ass.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are entering.]

Rachel: I think you should definitely go out with this guy.

Monica: Nah, he doesn抰 do anything for me.

Rachel: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on Walker: Texas Ranger?

Monica: Well, umm, Walker was looking for this big bus load of kids? (realises) All right, I get your point.

Rachel: All right.

Chandler: (entering, carrying a briefcase) Hi.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick?

Monica: Uh, yeah.

Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya?

Chandler: Y'know what, pretty good.

Rachel: Yeah?

Chandler: Good! I haven抰 smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse.

Rachel: Thank you.

Monica: Here you go.

Chandler: Thanks

Rachel: Hey Mon, let抯 give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable.

Chandler: What check thing?

Monica: As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip. His number is on the check, he just did so I抎 call him.

Chandler: (reading the check) Pete Becker. Pete?(quickly grabs a magazine and opens it up to show her a picture) (pointing to the picture) Is this him?

Monica: That抯 Bill Clinton.

Chandler: Who抯 he huggin?

Monica: Oh my God! That抯 Pete! But why is Bill huggin?Pete?

Chandler: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program!

Rachel: We use it!!

Chandler: There you go!!

Rachel: Oh my God, Monica抯 gonna go out with a millionaire.

Monica: I抦 not gonna go out with him.

Rachel: Oh my God, I can抰 believe this is a real $20,000 check, oh this is just so exciting.

Monica: Or incredibly offensive.

Rachel: Oh yeah, sure, that too.

(Chandler is putting on the Chap Stick the same way that women put on lipstick, including the bit with the piece of tissue.)

Chandler: (to the girls who are staring at him) What?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are talking to Frank.]

Ross: All we抮e saying is don抰 rush into anything.

Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. You抮e 18, okay, she抯 44, when you抮e 36, she抯 gonna be 88.

Frank: What, you don抰 think I know that?

Joey: Look, the point is, there抯 a lot of women out there you haven抰 even had sex with yet!

Ross: Yeah, he-he抯 right, he抯 right. This is your time y'know, yeah, you抮e young, you抮e-you抮e weird, chicks dig that.

Frank: Okay, but isn抰 sex better when it抯 with one person that you really, really care about.

Joey: Yeah, in a poem maybe.

Ross: No the man抯 right, that抯 what I had with Rachel.

Frank: You don抰 have it anymore?

Ross: No, I ah, I slept with someone else.

Frank: Okay, so wait, all right, so how does that make things better?

Ross: It didn抰.

Frank: Okay, so what you used to have with Rachel, is what I抳e got with Alice.

Joey: Now, wh-what, what is that like?

Frank: It抯 so cool man, it抯 so, it抯 just 慶ause being with her is so much better than like not being with her.

Ross: Yeah, yeah.

Joey: (to Ross) Why can抰 I find that?

Ross: Don抰 ask me, I had it and I blew it!

Joey: Well, I want it!

Frank: You can have it!

Joey: I don抰 know, maybe I can抰. I mean, maybe there抯 something wrong with me.

Ross: Oh, no! No!

Frank: It抯 out there man! I抳e seen it! I got it!!

Joey: Then you hold on to it!!

Frank: All right, man!!

Joey: All right, congratulations you lucky bastard! (hugs him)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it抯 after Ross and Joey抯 talk with Frank, and Phoebe抯 is finding out what happened.]

Phoebe: (to Joey) You抮e Frank抯 best man?!

Joey: I couldn抰 help it, there love is so pure.

Phoebe: Well then, (to Ross) what about you?! Huh?!

Ross: I抦 the ring bearer.

(As Phoebe stands there in shock and disbelief, Chandler comes out of the bathroom and walks to his bedroom. He抯 just got out of the shower and has the towel wrapped around himself high across his chest, and another towel wrapped around his head, like women wear towels. Joey watches Chandler wondering what the hell he抯 doing.)


COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Phoebe抯, Phoebe is opening the door.]

Phoebe: Hi! Oh, Alice, hi! Thanks. I抦 so glad you could come, 慶ause I抳e got a real umm, Home Ec emergency. (Points to the table cloth, which has a huge mustard stain on it.)

Alice: Oh my God, who died on this?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It抯 a real mustard-tastrophe. Can you help me?

Alice: Absolutely. Okay, first we抣l start with a little club soda and salt, and then if that doesn抰 work we can go back to?br>
Phoebe: Y'know what, forget it. It抯 ruined.

Alice: Oh no-no, never say that. If we can抰 get it out then we can cut around the stain, add a little lace, you make a stylish throw.

Phoebe: Or instead, maybe you could just not marry my brother Frank.

[Scene: Pete抯 office, he is participating in a conference call with three other employees, each of whom are on a different TV screen that he controls with a remote.]

Pete: Okay, that抯 great, but can we make it smaller? Can we make it fit on the head of a pin? I love when we make things fit on the head of a pin.

All: Got it. Yeah all right. Yeah, okay.

(The intercom buzzes.)

Secretary: You have a Miss Monica Geller here.

Pete: Uh, absolutely, yeah, send her in. (Monica enters) Hi.

Monica: What the hell is this? (holding up the check)

Pete: Hang on a second. (to the employees) I抣l-I抣l talk to you in the morning. (turns two of the three off) I抦 sorry what?

Monica: Seriously, what is this supposed to mean?

Pete: Well, y択now, I never know how much to tip.

Monica: You抮e supposed to double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania. I mean, what抯-what抯 the deal? Are you, are you trying to buy me? Is this the way you get girls to go out with you?

Employee: Umm, I抦 still here.

Pete: (turns off the TV) You抮e taking this all wrong. Because, if I didn抰 leave you that tip, you wouldn抰 of come down here, we wouldn抰 be having this argument, and there wouldn抰 be this ah, heat between us.

Monica: What?!

Pete: Come on, you gotta admit that our relationship is ah, is hitting a new level now. 慍ause you used to be like the chef, and I was the customer, and now we抮e like this-this couple that fights.

Monica: Okay, umm, you抮e a loon.

Pete: Look, forget the check, okay. (rips up the check) I like you. I think you抮e great. Come on, what do you say?

Monica: I don抰 know.

Pete: Why not?

Monica: 慍ause I don抰 want to encourage this kind of behaviour.

Pete: One meal! That抯 all I抦 asking for. Please? We go out, we eat, and if you don抰 have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call it even.

[Scene: Phoebe抯, she is coming home. She turns on the lights, and sits down on the couch.]

Frank: (hiding under a pile of clothes) Hi. (She jumps up screaming.) Wait, no! Just put the mail down. It抯-it抯 me!

Phoebe: Okay. Whoa, sorry. Why were you just like all in the dark?

Frank: Oh well, um, your, your laundry just smelled so good, that I thought I抎 curl up in it. Is that all right?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. So, how was your day?

Frank: Oh, well just probably the worst one since I抳e been alive.

Phoebe: What umm, what happened?

Frank: Umm, Alice ah, she ah, called it off.

Phoebe: Oh no. Did umm, did she say why?

Frank: Uh, no, not really, just that I was too young, y'know, but I don抰 see how I could all of the sudden be too young, 慶ause I抦 older than I was when we first got together.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, no, I don抰, I don抰 know. But, y'know what, maybe it抯 just all for the best?

Frank: Yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain!

Phoebe: Oh, sweetie, oh. (hugs him)

Frank: Y'know, I just was finally happy y'know. For the first time in my life! After my Dad left me, and then, and then getting arrested for stealing those birds, and then, and then the whole punctured lung thing! I can, it抯 still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice all that stuff kinda went away. And now it抯, and now it抯 gone and I don抰 know why!

Phoebe: Uh, well I can tell you why. It抯, it抯 because of me. But, y'know what, I only did it because I love you. Okay?

Frank: What?

Phoebe: Umm, well I, I kinda had a little chat with Alice, and I sort of made her see why you two shouldn抰 be together, y'know. And you抮e gonna see it to, one day, you really, really will.

Frank: Wait a minute, wait, this is because of you?

Phoebe: Okay.

Frank: Well, you, wait no, my Mother didn抰 want us to be together, but the worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch.

Phoebe: Okay, but.

Frank: Wait, y'know what, I-I came to you because I thought you抎 understand! Oh no!! Y'know, I would storm out of here right now if-if I had some money, or a place to go?br>
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Monica ready for her date. The guys are also there. The door buzzes.]

Rachel: Oh my God! The millionaire抯 here!

Chandler: (in a feminine way) Oh my God! (and he jumps all around)

Monica: Guys, please, I抦 just gonna have dinner with him. Okay?

Chandler: Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner, does not mean you owe him anything.

Monica: I know!!

Chandler: Okay, then get the lobster!

Monica: (opening the door) (to Pete) Hey!

Pete: Hi.

Rachel: Hi!!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hi!

(They抮e all staring at him, with big, huge smiles on their faces.)

Joey: Hey, how much cash do you got in your pocket right now?

Monica: And that抯 why, I抦 not inviting you in for a drink. (starts to leave) Bye.

All: Oh-no-no-no-no?

Rachel: Just one drink?!

Monica: (in the hallway) So, where do you want to go?

Pete: Hey, you like pizza?

Monica: Oh, that抯 sounds great.

Pete: I know a great little place.

[Cut to a shot of the coliseum in Rome, Italy.]

[Scene: A restaurant in Rome, Monica is paying for the pizza.]

Pete: You抮e, hey, you抮e not paying for the pizza!

Monica: Oh come on, it抯 only fair, you paid for the flight. Now is, is that enough lire?

Pete: Ahh, I抎 throw another thousand on that.

Monica: Why, how much is that?

Pete: That抯 about 60 cents.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it抯 the middle of the night. Joey is walking into the living room, and runs into the entertainment centre.]

Joey: Every night!!

(He starts to walk to the bathroom and hears the hypnosis tape from Chandler抯 bedroom.)

Hypnosis Tape: You do not need to smoke. Cigarettes don抰 control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. (Joey walks out smiling to himself.)

[Scene: Phoebe抯, Frank is watching TV, and he抯 very depressed as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey, Frank. Look, okay, I know that you think I did like this totally evil thing, but I so didn抰. There抯 someone here who can explain this better than I can.

Alice: Hi Frank.

Frank: Hi, Mrs. Knight.

Alice: Phoebe抯 right Frank. I know it抯 hard to hear, but it would抳e been wrong to go through with it. I-I-I was being selfish, even though we, we want the same things now, in the future we may not. (to Phoebe) Is that it, is that what it is?

Phoebe: Yeah, but not just that.

Alice: Right, not just that. Umm, even though we love each other as much as we do, none the less?br>
Phoebe: None the less.

Alice: None the less. Umm, you抮e too young to, to really know what you want. (They embrace in a passionate kiss.)

Phoebe: That抯 right, exactly. (sees them) All right, it抯 a good bye kiss, that抯 good. (Frank picks Alice up and they move to the couch) Bye-bye. (They both lie down on the couch and start to make out.) Okay, no, the important thing is that you see what I抦 saying, y'know, just y'know, this is clearly wrong. (They ignore her) Okay, I抳e decided I抦 gonna let this happen! Okay, can I just get my purse? (She reaches in and Alice moans) Okay, all right, good. (leaves).


CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler抯 bedroom, he抯 listening to the hypnosis tape again.]

Hypnosis Tape: Cigarette抯 don抰 control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke.

Joey: (He抯 recorded his voice on the tape) Joey抯 your best friend. You want to make him a cheese sandwich everyday. (he laughs) And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.

(Chandler wakes up and stares at the tape.)

END

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