The One With The Dollhouse
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You抮e telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn抰 want you back?!
Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it抯 like to be you?
Monica: Wow, you抮e really crazy about her, huh?
Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we抮e on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it抯 like somebody抯 ripping out my heart!
Phoebe: Oh, it抯 so great to see you feeling like this!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.
Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it.
Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? 慍ause I thought death was something that抯 supposed to be sad, in a way.
Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person.
Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And I抦 sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
Ross: You get the dollhouse.
Monica: I get the dollhouse!
Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
Phoebe: No, just a barrel.
Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse.
Phoebe: Really?! Really?!
Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.
Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.
[Scene: Rachel抯 office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.]
Rachel: Hey, Sophie!
Sophie: Hey, Rach!
Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn抰 have to walk me all the way back up here.
Chandler: Oh, that抯-that抯 okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)
Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don抰 keep the women抯 lingerie here in the office?
Chandler: Yes, I realise that.
Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)
Chandler: That抯 the stuff! (quickly grabs it)
[Rachel抯 boss, Joanna, enters]
Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You don抰 work for me.
Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.
Joanna: Bing! That抯 a great name.
Chandler: Thanks, it抯 ah, Gaelic, for 慣hy turkey抯 done.? So ah, I抦 gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.
Joanna: Me too.
Rachel: Bye, Chandler.
Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, what抯 wrong with him?
Rachel: Oh, nothing, he抯 just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.
Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?
Rachel: No!! No! He抯 not married, or involved, with anyone!
Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know what, forget it.
Rachel: Well, I抣l ask him for you, if you want me too?
Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do?
Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here.
Joanna: I know that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. It抯 a huge dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.]
Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper抯 a little faded, that抯 okay. Carpet抯 a little loose. Hardwood floors!!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It抯 so beautiful.
Monica: I know!!!
Phoebe: So, I抦 here, ready to play.
Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to the house.)
Monica: What抯 this?
Phoebe: That抯 a dog, every house should have a dog.
Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.
Phoebe: Well, maybe it抯 so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.
Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?
Phoebe: No, no, that抯 the ghost for the attic.
Monica: I don抰 want a ghost.
Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you抳e got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.
Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don抰 know much about the U.S. government.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: I need to talk to you!
Ross: Sure, what抯 up?
Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.
Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up... (walks away)
Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.
Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you...
Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin?out the Chan-Chan man!
Rachel: (looks at him) That was (pause) surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all?
Chandler: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I抣l do it.
Rachel: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she抯 gonna love me.
Phoebe: (holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur attack!! Quick, everybody into the house!! Ahh-ahh! (the dinosaur starts attacking the house. She starts to bark like a dog.) Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!
Monica: Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-that抯 it, that抯 it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? They抮e not the right size, they抮e not Victorian, and they just don抰 go.
Phoebe: Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, we抮e not welcome in the house of no imagination.
Ross: Uh, Pheebs, while we抮e hovering around the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they don抰 go, rrroof!
Phoebe: The little ones do.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse the play.]
Joey: Hey, Kate!
Joey: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week...
The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him)
Joey: (to himself) And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah...
Woman: Hi, oh, I抦 Lauren, Kate抯 understudy.
Joey: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani.
Lauren: I know! I-I抦 a big fan of yours.
Joey: (looks at her, shocked) What?!
Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives.
Joey: Get out of here, really?!
Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.
Joey: They gave me the shaft all right.
Lauren: (laughing) Oh, you抮e so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something?
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
Lauren: Cool! I-I抣l see you then.
Joey: All right.
The Director: All right, it抯 time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with her own dollhouse, that she made herself.]
Phoebe: Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!!
Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing the interior.)
Ross: Hey, what抯 this?!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, it抯 the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. (She slides a doll down the slide)
Monica: It抯 very interesting, Phoebe.
Rachel: What抯 this?
Phoebe: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed.
Ross: This is the coolest house ever!!
(Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on her face.)
Phoebe: Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? (lights some incense)
Rachel: All right!
Ross: I would!
Monica: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?!
Ross and Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Watch, watch. (She turns a strand of Christmas lights strung around the house.)
Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!!
Phoebe: And, and! (She turns on a bubble maker.)
Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!!
Chandler: (entering) Hey, my Father抯 house does that!
Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything.
Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there抯 nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening.
Chandler: Of course, I didn抰 get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna抯 such a big, dull dud!
[Scene: Rachel抯 office, Joanna抯 telling Rachel, her side of the story.]
Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!!
Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y択now how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you?
Rachel: Oh, I....
Joanna: Oh, and he抯 got such a good heart! Doesn抰 he have a good heart?
Rachel: Oh, I know...
Joanna: Oh, I know and he抯 soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to call, so put him straight through.
Sophie: Isn抰 this great?!
Joanna: Don抰 spoil it.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing.]
Joey: Come on baby, don抰 go. Please? What do you say?
[A phone rings.]
The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! It抯 you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)
Joey: (to Kate) That guy抯 like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?
Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you抮e dating.
Joey: Hey, I抦 not interested in her sweater! It抯 what抯 underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I抦 going out with?
Kate: I don抰 care. Why, do you want me to care?
Joey: Do you want me to want you to care?
Kate: Do you?
The Director: (returning) Okay, I抦 afraid to say this, but let抯 pick it up where we left off.
[They resume rehearsing.]
Joey: Come on baby, don抰 go. Please? What do you say?
Kate: I抳e got no reason to stay.
(Joey grabs her and kisses her.)
The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I抣l see you in the morning. (exits)
Kate: I can抰 believe we go on in, in a week.
Joey: Hey, it抯 gonna be all right.
Lauren: (to Joey) Hey! So since we抮e getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs?
Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about last night?
Joey: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah, y'know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight.
Lauren: Oh, okay.
Joey: Okay. (he gives her a peck on the cheek)
Lauren: I抣l see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full on the mouth.)
Lauren: G抧ight. (exits)
Joey: (to Kate) Ah, are you okay?
Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?
Joey: I don抰 know.
Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.
Joey: How do you mean?
Kate: Well, Adrian抯 looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can抰 just kiss her, he抯 gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y'know?
Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
Kate: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist.
Kate: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach!
Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!
Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal....
[cut to Joey抯 bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under the covers.]
Joey: Something like that?
Kate: Yeah, that抯 pretty much what I had in mind.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily.]
Joey: (to Ross) Hey.
Joey: (to Monica) Hey.
(He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a kiss on the neck.)
(He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a moment, and gives him a big hug.)
Ross: It抯 a little early to be drinkin?
Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate.
Monica: You抮e kidding?! That抯 great!
Joey: Oh, it was so amazing. After the (pause) love making...
Monica: Oh my.
Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming 慶ause, 慶ause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like he抯 been processed by the devil, or something.)
Chandler: (entering with Rachel) I抦 telling ya, Joanna抯 got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, 慣his was fun. Let抯 do it again sometime. I抣l give you a call.?br>
Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you抮e going to call her?
Chandler: That抯 what you say at the end of a date.
Rachel: You can抰 just say, 慛ice to meet you, good night??br>
Chandler: To her face? Look it抯 the end of the date, I抦 standing there, I know all she抯 waiting for is for me to say 慖抣l call her?and it抯 just y'know, comes out. I can抰 help it, it抯 a compulsion.
Monica: Come on Rach, when a guy says he抯 going to call, it doesn抰 mean he抯 going to call. Hasn抰 it ever happened to you?
Rachel: Well, they always called.
Monica: Hmm, bite me.
[Scene: Rachel抯 office.]
Joanna: (entering) Did he call?
Rachel: No. Sorry.
Joanna: Why?! Why?! He said he抎 call. Why hasn抰 he called?
Sophie: Maybe he抯 intimated by really smart, strong, successful women.
Joanna: Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn抰 he called, Rachel? Why?
Rachel: Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss.
Joanna: Awkward? Why should he feel awkward?
Joanna: The only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didn抰 tell him not to call me, did you?
Rachel: No. I...
Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix...that.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachel approaches.]
Rachel: (grabbing the magazine out of his hands) Call her! Call her now!
Chandler: Multiple, so many paper cuts.
Rachel: Why hasn抰 he called Rachel? Why? Why? I don抰 understand. Why? He said he抣l call. Why? Why? Chandler I抦 telling you she has flipped out, she抯 gone crazy!
Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone then.
Rachel: Come on, this isn抰 funny. She thinks it抯 my fault that you haven抰 called her. You have to call her!
Chandler: Look, you can抰 call somebody after this long just to say, 慖n case you didn抰 notice, I don抰 like you!?br>
Rachel: Well then you抮e going to have to take her out again.
Chandler: Nooo!! She抯 really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!
Rachel: I don抰 care! I don抰 care! You are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it抯 actually ended. And, I don抰 care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again!
Chandler: All right! Fine! But it抯 just a lunch date, no more than an hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I don抰 want you setting me up with anybody ever again!
Rachel: That抯 fine!
Chandler: That抯 just a lot of big talk, y'know.
Rachel: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Monica: (from the bathroom) I抦 in the shower!
[He closes the door and walks over to get something from the fridge. He starts to smell something and turns around to see Phoebe抯 dollhouse smoking. He runs over and takes off the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fire.]
Ross: Oh, fire! There, there抯 a fire! Fire!!
[He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn抰 work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in the shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on the fire, it doesn抰 work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her lungs.]
[Scene: The Theatre, Kate is arriving for rehearsal.]
Joey: So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Did you ah, did you talk to Marshall?
Kate: About what?
Joey: Y'know, about what happened with us.
Kate: Nooo. And there抯 really no reason he should find out, so ah let抯 not make a big deal about it, okay?
Joey: What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on you can抰 tell me last night didn抰 mean something to you. I-I was there, you抮e not that good an actress.
Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That抯 all it was. Joey, I抦-I抦 sorry you feel bad, but haven抰 you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you?
Lauren: (entering) Hi, Kate!
Kate: Hi, Lauren.
Joey: Hi, Lauren.
Lauren: Hi, pig!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are inspecting the damage to the dollhouse.]
Ross: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there.
Monica: Oh, that抯 okay. By the way, I was just checking the shower massager.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: (runs over to her) I tried to reach you at work. There抯....been a fire.
Phoebe: What?! Oh my... (sees the remains of the house) Oh my God!! What happened?!
Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. (He uses a pointer and points to the point of origin.) In the Aroma Room.
Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay?
Monica: Well, the giraffe抯 okay. And so is the pirate.
Phoebe: Ohh. What is this? (She sees a tissue covering something, and moves to remove it.)
Ross: No Phoebe, don抰 look! You don抰 want to see what抯 under there!!
Phoebe: (She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.) Ohh, the-the Foster puppets!
(She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the Foster puppets, and starts to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.)
[Scene: Rachel抯 office, Chandler and Joanna are returning from their lunch date. He is telling her about her mascara problem. Rachel is already there.]
Chandler: It抯 not a big deal. It抯, just it抯 right here, (points to his eye) and it抯 all the time.
Joanna: Well, thanks again for lunch.
Chandler: (He looks over at Rachel, who nods her head) Yes, this, this was pleasant.
(Rachel is slowing trying to leave and let them talk.)
Joanna: It was, wasn抰 it?
Chandler: The food there was, was great.
Joanna: Wasn抰 it?
Chandler: So take care.
Joanna: You too.
Chandler: Well, this was great. I抣l give you a call. We should do it again sometime. (Rachel is disappointed)
Joanna: Great! I抦 looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages?
Rachel: Sophie抯 desk.
(Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but Rachel stops him in the hallway.)
Rachel: (whispering) Chandler!! Are you gonna call her!
Chandler: Look, I抦 sorry. Okay? I抦 weak, and pathetic, and sorry.
Rachel: Okay, you are going to tell her and you抮e going to tell her now. (She grabs his nipple and starts to twist it.)
Chandler: Ahhhh--I抦 not going to call you.
Chandler: I抦 sorry. I抦-I抦-I抦 sorry that I said I was going to when I抦 not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isn抰 Rachel抯 fault. It抯 me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara goop. And I抦 really sorry, it抯 just that this is not, this isn抰 going to work out.
Joanna: Well, this isn抰 how I was hoping how this would end, but I guess I have to appreciate your honesty.
Chandler: Yeah, o-okay.
Chandler: Well this is great! I抣l give you a call! We should do it again sometime!
(Rachel is shocked, and holds her arms out in disbelief.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is talking on the phone.]
Joey: (on phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what I抦 saying is I should抳e considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I抳e ah, I抳e recently learned what抯 it like to be on your side of it, and I抦 sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? (listens) Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. (He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again.) Hello, Jennifer? (listens) Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? (listens) Oh, she抯 not home huh? (listens) Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.