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老友记第三季The One With A Chick. And A Duck

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是谁出主意让服务生都穿溜冰鞋的?某个白痴客人投意见箱的天哪,他们盗用我的想法是你?过去吧瑞秋,我帮你泡了可可小心!天哪!你们还好吗?辣喔你留山羊胡有点像撒旦所以神父才会对我洒圣水你得开心一点你应该跟我和罗斯出门总比整天坐着为凯特伤心好我伤心是因为没有人相信昆西的理论我要上电视了不会吧有一个讨论秘鲁化石的座谈会探索频道要去拍摄天哪!谁会看?谢了,可以走了吗?我看过一个女生穿那件背心谢了大部份的人都视巧克力和篮子为传统的复活节礼物有些人坚持送活的小鸡不幸的是,大部份的小鸡都活不到国庆日由于照顾得不妥善它们马上就会死你们有小鸡吗?我看到电视上的广告那些小鸡好可爱彼特,你回来了!你看溜冰鞋你比钱德结实,他一撞就倒旅途顺利吗?你送什么给我?日本饭店的化妆品我要永远保留下来要喝咖啡吗?好啊普通还是低咖啡因?最近的就行了问我今天做了什么你今天做了什么?我买下一家餐厅想请你当主厨他居然要送我一家餐厅那个混蛋,你要我踹他吗?从我拥有好烘烤箱开了好吃糕饼店起就在梦想这一天我死也甘愿,我绝对能胜任我吃的苦头也够多了但彼特这么做是因为他喜欢我你对他还是没兴趣?我怎么能接下这个餐厅?我不能七年级时史都文森送我项链我也没收这是两回事他是你的健康教育老师怎么了?被你撞到的地方好痛天哪,对不起天哪嗨,你们猜怎样?你在邮轮上找到工作?我一整年没穿这套西装因为你不喜欢你不是我的女朋友了,所以…我懂了,你想要强调你现在孤家寡人可以尽情的出丑你喜欢这套西装吧?当然,你穿起来比肯德基爷爷好看罗斯,开玩笑的,回来你要说什么?你发明轧棉机的过程?你投书到意见箱之后多久才得到回应?大约三个月所以离上空的规定大约还有两星期我买了一个东西打开来看是一只鸡很可爱吧?两位,你们了解鸡吗?家禽?不了解女人?不了解养鸡是重责大任尤其是小鸡需要无微不至的照顾它们不能吃错东西需要很多关爱这个没问题轻一点,大母鸡你考虑过了吗?是这样的我讨厌“是这样的”是怎样的?我不能接受抱歉,我也很想接受但你对我有特殊感情你在担心这个?如果是这个问题那就没问题了我正打算吃饭时告诉你我这趟出国认识了一个人她叫安,是记者我们在飞机上认识她想把我的花生吃完我听成别的(花生音同阴茎)我们大笑一场我等烦了太好了抱歉,但我好为你高兴我可以为你工作了看来可以了天哪,太棒了你猜怎样?我要溜进办公室去辞职好推一下,好吗?祝你好运我要辞职了我没事,我很好真叫人兴奋啊你去日本,认识一个女人什么?我是说这个女人…是虚构的吧?为什么这么说?你还是喜欢摩妮卡你谎称认识别人好让她为你做事相处久了,也许就会产生感情你真行我只是直觉准,还会通灵很实在的天赋请答应我不要告诉她没问题,我答应你告诉她什么?谢谢你我的直觉很准,但记性很差?好吧,但这是最后一次这里吱,那里吱这里吱,那里吱到处都在吱吱叫…鸡…鸡妹妹好吗?妹妹?你不觉得是妹妹吗?我不知道看不出来,那个东西一下子就缩回去了我要换衣服我要去跟其它演员喝酒什么?怎么了?你排练时,我留在家里好陪着我们的小鸡是谁从半夜两点撑到五点?好哄她睡觉?你以为我没起来吗?又来了没错,又来了我整天困在这里你才回来陪了我们几秒钟就要出去跟朋友花天酒地?这样不行喔,先生我需要轻松一下我忙了一整天照顾我们的小鸡就不忙?我不是那个意思,我是说…我知道你想说什么你有没有发现,自从有了小鸡我们争吵的次数变多了?也许我们还不适合养小鸡我明天送它回去三块钱会退吗?我两小时后要录影请你们帮个忙怎么样?蓝色还是棕色的好?棕色可以突显你的眼睛但蓝色那套让你的屁股很翘真的?祈药舞还真有效你还是?我没事你有事我没事我很好,看我的你得去看医生,好吗?我要去我老板家参加晚宴有几个人非见不可你一定会令人印象深刻“你好,我是瑞秋” “很高兴认识你”你的肋骨可能断了我明天再去医院,它还是断的但我打扮时需要帮忙你不帮忙就走好,我走走之前能不能先帮忙?好,我帮你们在要怎么把小鸡弄出录影机?你知道吗?我不会用左手化你能不能也帮我化妆?用这一支好了这个?小心一点沾一点在眼睑上刷一下就好刷一下对不起你是在戳我的眼睛对不起,闭上…我在刷刷、刷——刷均匀,不要…不要太多,隐隐约约就好你的妆不够浓你几时觉得我的妆不够浓了?闭上眼睛,你一定会喜欢闭眼睛,吹一下这样看起来比较世故、成熟跟妓女一样世故?你猜我今晚要做什么?什么?我要跟彼特去看餐厅摩妮卡,我好替你兴奋我有一件事要告诉你什么事?我不能告诉你把不能说的事说出来不是会比较舒坦?哪有那么好的事我答应不说我对所有神明发过誓跟罗斯和瑞秋有关吗?跟乔伊有关吗?跟钱德和他床边的袜子有关吗?不是,不过你待会儿要告诉我好了,够美了吧?是啊是啊,我会坐在采购部那个人妖旁边我得走了,祝你晚宴愉快再帮我换一下衣服?当然好太好了,转过去吧什么?我不想让你看到我的身体我看过几万遍了我在你身上吃热奶油我从你的肚脐眼吸出小软糖那个不一样,我们那时在交往现在很奇怪我随时都能看到你的裸体什么?我只需要闭上眼睛,你看罗斯,别闹了拜托,别再那样想我了抱歉,你管不到这是前任男友的权利别闹了,够了对不起,我不会再…等一下现在有一百个你,我是国王成熟一点,这又没什么好吧很好,我决定自己换衣服天哪,听我说小心,你得去医院,好吗?我真的得去了我去帮你拿外套,再送你上车你不陪我去吗?当然要我得先打个电话谢谢怎么了?对不起,我不能这样去医院跟旅行有关吗?跟木屐有关吗?木屐还是爪子?木屐爪子?所以不是罗斯和瑞秋也不是钱德和乔伊那彼特呢?怎么样?我不知道我好像在跟灵犬莱西说话菲比,你就直说好吗?不行啦我得走了跟彼特的电脑公司有关吗?你走吧,你死也猜不到的我知道没错,那就是雅丝敏布丽丝她是一种完全不同的“鸡”你们两个我都爱是非常不一样的爱你在干什么?不是要送她走?我有,但是店里不收我带她去收容所你猜我发现什么?要是找不到人领养就要杀了她我绝不让小雅丝敏惨遭毒手很好,其实我也有点反悔不只小鸡,所有的动物都一样太可怕了,你做得对谢了,你这么想就好说来好笑真不敢相信你看这个冰柜,有够大的我可以住在里面会冷,不过我本来就很冷是传统火炉我最喜欢传统火炉了你喜欢喽?太完美了,真谢谢你不客气你刚才在闻我的头发?怎么可能,没有啊天哪怎么了?你对我还是有感觉我只是对餐厅的事很兴奋我爱你,有这么糟吗?不糟,一点也不糟其实很好会受伤的人是我我都不介意了你或许不介意受伤我却不能当那个伤你的人所以我不能接受这份工作什么?我们也不该再见面了对不起你如果真的这么想,那好吧很抱歉事情…你先闭嘴,让我确认一下你有说实话吗?X光片看起来怎么会胖你给我在这里好好反省那是一只鸭子一只坏鸭子今晚的事顺利吗?什么事?没什么,博物馆有事走吧小心等你回来,请记住小鸡不是玩具到底是什么事?我今晚本来要上探索频道天哪罗斯,你为什么不说?我一说,你就会赶我去我知道你今晚需要有人陪着,来吧我真不敢相信你对我太好了你该睡觉了抱歉搞砸你的计划你没事就好明天见再见你犯了什么错?你们在干什么?游泳小鸡呢?鸡不会游泳确定?不晓得要试试看吗?好啊看吧,我就说它不会游再等一下乖,没事了

The One With A Chick. And A Duck


[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are helping Monica learn how to roller skate by rolling her between themselves.]

Rachel: So who抯 idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates?

Monica: Oh, some idiot customer put a suggestion in the suggestion box.

Phoebe: Oh my God, they took my idea!

Monica: That was you?!

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay, here you go. (rolls her back to Rachel)

Gunther: (bringing Rachel a mug) Rachel, I made you a cocoa.

[He distracts her from catching Monica and Monica slams into her, knocking her down. Monica then falls on top of her.]

Phoebe: Oh my God, are you guys okay?

Gunther: Are you all right?

Joey: (leaving Central Perk and seeing Monica laying on top of Rachel who is moaning in pain.) Oh my.

(They both turn and give him a dirty look.)

OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Quincy M.E. as Chandler is walking into the living room from his bedroom.]

Chandler: (sporting a goatee) Hey.

Joey: Hey. Y'know with that goatee you kinda look like Satan.

Chandler: Oh, so that抯 why the priest threw holy water on me. (there抯 no reaction from Joey) Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You should come out with Ross and me, I mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about Kate.

Joey: Hey I was crying because, because nobody believed Quincy抯 theory. Okay?

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: (triumphantly) I抦 gonna be on TV!!

Chandler: No way!

Ross: Yeah! They抮e putting together this panel to talk about these fossils they just found in Peru and The Discovery Channel抯 gonna film it!

Chandler: Oh my God! Who抯 gonna watch that?!

Ross: Thanks. You ready to go?

Chandler: Yeah. (they start to leave)

Joey: Saw a girl with that vest.

Chandler: Thanks. (He takes off the vest and throws it on the floor.)

Anchorwoman: (on TV) While most of us think of chocolate bunnies and baskets as traditional Easter gifts. Some people insist on giving live chicks as presents. (Joey is intrigued by the idea) Unfortunately, the sad fact remains that most of these little guys won抰 live to see the fourth of July. (Joey starts to call a place to buy a little baby chick) Because of as a result of improper care, they will be dead.

Joey: (on phone) Yeah, hi. You guys got any of those baby chicks? 慍ause I was watching this ah, commercial on TV and man, those guys are cute!

[Scene: The Moondance Diner: Pete is entering, Monica is on roller skates.]

Pete: Hi!

Monica: Hi! Hey, Pete you抮e back! Hey, check this out. (She starts to skate over to him)

Pete: Wow! Skates!

(She gets just about all the way over to him and falls into his arms.)

Monica: Wow! You抮e a lot sturdier that Chandler. He crumpled like a piece of paper. So how was you抮e trip?

Pete: Well... (he holds up a gift he brought her)

Monica: Oh, what抎 ya bring me?! (She opens the gift) Awww, hotel toiletries from Japan. Oh, these are gonna go in my permanent collection. You want some coffee?

Pete: Yeah, sure, that抎 be great.

(She starts to go and get the coffee and falls behind the counter.)

Monica: (popping back up) Regular or decaf?

Pete: Ah, which ever is closest.

Monica: Okay. (hands him a cup)

Pete: So ask me what I did today.

Monica: So what did you do today Pete?

Pete: I bought a restaurant and I would like you to be the head chef.

Monica: What?! Oh.(She turns around quickly and falls)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is telling Rachel about Pete抯 offer.]

Monica: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?

Rachel: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?

Monica: I mean this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica抯 Bakery. I mean I would kill for this job. I mean I can totally do this job, and God knows I paid my dues. (She removes her fake breasts) But Pete抯 just doing this because he has a crush on me.

Rachel: And you抮e still not attracted to him at all?

Monica: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a restaurant from him? I-I-I-I can抰. I couldn抰 even accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh grade.

Rachel: Yeah, but Mon that抯 totally different. He was you抮e health teacher.

Monica: Oh, please.

(She slaps Rachel抯 side and Rachel screams in pain.)

Monica: What? Honey.

Rachel: Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when you crashed into me yesterday.

Monica: Oh God, I抦 so sorry.

Rachel: I know.

(Monica hugs her goes and hugs her)

Rachel: Ow!!

Monica: Oh God!

Ross: (entering, wearing a white suit with a little red bow tie) Hey, you guys! Guess what?

Rachel: (looking at the outfit) Got a job on a river boat?

Ross: Y'know what I didn抰 wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You抮e not my girlfriend anymore so...

Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point.

Ross: Right.

Rachel: Now that you抮e on you抮e own, you抮e free to look as stupid as you like.

Ross: (to Monica) You like it right?

Monica: Oh absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders. (Ross starts to leave) Ross! Ross! I抦 kidding!

Rachel: Yeah, come here!

Monica: What-what was it you were gonna tell us?

Rachel: Yeah. Oh! Was how you invented the cotton gin?!

Ross: Okay, good bye! (leaves)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about her suggestion.]

Chandler: So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen.

Phoebe: Umm, oh, about three months.

Chandler: Okay, so I guess that抯 about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in.

Joey: (entering carrying a box) Hey!!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: I got you something! Open it! Open it!

Chandler: Okay. (He opens it and it抯 a baby chick) It抯 a chicken.

Joey: It抯 cute, huh?

Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks?

Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? Nooo.

Phoebe: Okay, well they are a huge responsibility, especially at this age. They require constant care. They-they need just the right food, and lot抯 and lot抯 of love.

Joey: Oh, well no problem there. (He picks up the chick, hugs it really tight, and talks to it like it抯 a little baby.)

Chandler: Easy Lenny.

[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is talking to Monica about the restaurant.]

Pete: So? I mean have you thought about it?

Monica: Okay. Here抯 the thing.

Pete: Oh no, not the thing. I hate the thing. What抯 the thing?

Monica: I can抰 do it. I抦 sorry, I wish I could, but umm, see you have these feelings for me....

Pete: Wait, wait, wait, wait, that抯-that抯 what you抮e worried about? If that抯 the problem, we抳e got no problem.

Monica: Huh?

Pete: No! Look, I was gonna tell you this over dinner, but I met somebody else. On my trip.

Monica: Oh?

Pete: Her name抯 Ann, she抯 a journalist. Ahh, we met on the plane. She asked me if she could finish off my peanuts, I thought she said something else, we had a big laugh. Yeah, I just, I mean I got, I got tired of waiting.

Monica: Oh, that抯 great! I mean I抦-I抦 sorry, but I抦 so happy for you. And now I can work for you!

Pete: I guess you can.

Monica: Oh my God! Oh, this is incredible! Ohh! (she rolls over and kisses him on the cheek) All right, y'know what? I抦 just gonna roll right into that office and-and quit!

Pete: All right.

Monica: Okay. (she gets ready to go) Can you give me a little push?

Pete: Yeah, sure. Good luck!

Monica: (rolling towards the office) I抦 quitting!! Woo-hoo! (She rolls through a doorway and out of sight. We then hear a big crash, and see Monica roll past the door the other way.) I抦 okay!! I抦 all right!!

Phoebe: (to Pete) Wow! That抯 exciting, you went to Japan, made up a woman.

Pete: What?

Phoebe: I抦 just saying, this woman, I mean she抯 fictitious. No?

Pete: Why would you say that?

Phoebe: 慍ause you抮e still into Monica. So you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so 慶ause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and...

Pete: You抮e good. You抮e good!

Phoebe: Yeah, no, I抦 fairly intuitive and psychic. It抯 a substantial gift.

Pete: Listen, can you promise me that you won抰 tell her though?

Phoebe: Absolutely, oh I promise. Tell her what?

Pete: Thanks a lot.

Phoebe: No I抦 serious. I mean I抦 intuitive, but my memory sucks.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is baby-chick sitting.]

Chandler: Okay, but this is the last time. (singing) With a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick-(Joey enters)-chickeeeen.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: How抯 she doing?

Chandler: She?

Joey: Well yeah, don抰-don抰 you think it抯 a she?

Chandler: I don抰 know. (He picks the chick up and turns it over, trying to determine the sex of the chick, and blows on it.) I can抰 tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly.

Joey: Well, anyway, I got to go change, I抦 ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks.

Chandler: Excuse me?

Joey: What?

Chandler: I stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick!

Joey: Hey! Who was up from 2 o抍lock this morning until 5 o抍lock this morning trying to get her back to sleep?

Chandler: You don抰 think I get up when you get up?

Joey: Ohhh, here it comes.

Chandler: Yes, here it comes! I抦 stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? Well I don抰 think so mister!

Joey: Hey!! I need to relax! Okay? I was working all day!

Chandler: And you don抰 think taking care of our chick is work?

Joey: That抯 not what I said. Okay, I just meant...

Chandler: I know what you meant!! (pause) You notice that ever since we got this chick, we抳e been fighting a lot more than we used too?

Joey: I don抰 know, maybe we weren抰 ready to have a chick.

Chandler: I抣l take her back tomorrow.

Joey: Do you think we抣l get our three bucks back?

Ross: (entering carrying a garment bag) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: (sees the chick) Ohhh, hey! All right, listen, I-I have that TV thing in like two hours, and I need your help, okay? What do you think? (takes out two suits) This blue suit, or this brown one?

Joey: Well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great in the blue one.

Ross: Really? (Joey gives him a 慙ike I would know?look)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to take some aspirin.]

Rachel: (she reaches for the bottle) Oww! (She grabs the bottle, but has trouble opening it. She pops the top off and aspirins fly all over the place as Ross enters.)

Ross: Wow! That aspirin dance really works!

Rachel: (She bends over to try and pick up the aspirin) Oww!

Ross: Oh my God, is that still...

Rachel: I抦 fine, I抦 fine.

Ross: No you抮e not.

Rachel: Yes I am!

Ross: Rach!

Rachel: Look, I抦 fine. Watch. (She picks up an aspirin between her toes) Look at that. (She lifts her leg to grab the aspirin with her hand and almost falls over.) Whoa-whoa!

Ross: (stopping her from falling) Okay, okay. Look, you have got to go to a doctor! Okay?

Rachel: No. I have got to get ready and go to a dinner at my bosses house. It抯 a very big deal, there抯 a lot of people there I have to meet.

Ross: And I抦 sure you抮e gonna make a big impression. Hi! I抦 Rachel Green. It抯 nice to meet you. (He lifts his leg and imitates shaking hands with it, just like how Rachel was trying to pick up the aspirin with her feet.) Come on, you probably have a broken rib!

Rachel: Well, I will go to the hospital tomorrow, it抣l still be broken then.

Ross: Rach...

Rachel: But y'know, I could use a hand getting ready.

Ross: Rachel...

Rachel: Look, either help me or go.

Ross: Fine. I抣l go.

Rachel: (with a hurt expression on her face) Okay, but before you go, could you help me first?

Ross: (He checks his watch) Sure. I抣l help you.

Chandler: (rushing in) Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?!

COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Rachel抯 bedroom, Rachel is trying to put on eye liner with her left hand, as Ross is setting out her shoes.]

Rachel: (She drops the brush) Y'know what? I cannot do this with my left hand! Would you please, help me with this too?

Ross: Ohh. (He drops the shoes, takes the brush from her, and licks the tip. He doesn抰 like how it tastes.)

Rachel: (taking the brush back) Okay. Let抯 use this brush. (Hands him another one.)

Ross: Okay. This stuff?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: All right.

Rachel: Careful. Light. Okay, do you know how, just sweep it across the lid. Okay? Just sweep it.

Ross: Oke-dokey. (He pokes her in the eye with the brush.)

Rachel: Oh-ho!

Ross: Sorry.

Rachel: Hey! That抯 just poking me in the eye!

Ross: Sorry, I抦 sorry. Close, close, close...

Rachel: Okay, just sweep it.

Ross: I抦 sweeping...

Rachel: Right.

Ross: Sweep, sweep....(He starts to paint it on her eye, making it look like she has a black eye.)

Rachel: Okay, now make it even, 慶ause we don抰...

Ross: What? What?

Rachel: We don抰 want it-it to be too much, we want it to be subtle.

(Of course it抯 too late for that.)

Ross: No. No, y'know you don抰, you don抰 wear enough of this. (Rachel is shocked) What?

Rachel: Since when, since when do you think I don抰 wear enough of this?

Ross: Well I, close your eyes, I just think you抮e gonna like this a little better, 慶ause, close-close... (He gets some more on the brush)

Rachel: Blow it.

Ross: (blows it) Sorry. 慍ause umm, I think this will make you a little more sophisticated.

Rachel: Sophisticated like a hooker?

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is entering, Phoebe is already there.]

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey, guess what I抦 doing tonight.

Phoebe: What?

Monica: I抦 checking out the restaurant with Pete.

Phoebe: Ohh, Monica, I am so excited for you.

Monica: I know.

Phoebe: Ooh, I have to tell you something.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: But I can抰 tell you.

Monica: Okay, but wouldn抰 it be easier if you had to tell me something that you could tell me.

Phoebe: Well, sure in a perfect world. But, no, I promised I wouldn抰 tell, and I swore to like all my gods.

Monica: Okay. Does it have to do with Ross and Rachel?

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Does it have to do with Joey?

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Does it have to do with-with Chandler and that sock that he keeps by his bed?

Phoebe: No, but let抯 come back to that later!

[Scene: Rachel抯 Bedroom, Ross is finishing up her make-up.]

Ross: There you go! Good enough for your party, huh?

(She turns and looks in the mirror, and it抯 way, way over done. She looks like she has two black eyes.)

Rachel: Sure.

Ross: Yep?

Rachel: Sure, I抣l just sit next to the trans-sexual from purchasing.

Ross: Okay, come on! All right, I gotta go! So good luck at the party. Okay?

Rachel: Oh wait, Ross, would you just stay and help me get dressed?

Ross: (checks his watch) Sure, okay.

Rachel: Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay, just turn around.

Ross: What?

Rachel: I don抰 want you to see me naked!

Ross: Rachel, I抳e seen you naked a million times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Remember, I-I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button?

Rachel: Yeah, but that was different. Y択now? I mean, we were, we were going out then, now I think it抯 weird.

Ross: Rach, y'know I can see you naked any time I want.

Rachel: What?

Ross: All I have to do is close my eyes. See? (closes his eyes) Woo-hoo!!

Rachel: Ross! Stop that!

Ross: Ah, I抦 sorry.

Rachel: Come on! I don抰 want you thinking of me like that any more!

Ross: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. It抯 one of my ah, rights as the ex-boyfriend. (closes his eyes again) Oop, oh yeah!

Rachel: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out!

Ross: Okay, okay, I抦 sorry, it will never happen... (closes eyes) Uh-oh! Wait a minute! Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and I抦 the king.

Rachel: Rosss...

Ross: Come on, would you grow up? It抯 no big deal.

Rachel: All right. (She starts to take off her robe) Fine.

Ross: Yowzah!!!

Rachel: O-kay!! See what you did, I抦 gonna be doing it by myself now. Okay?

Ross: Aww, come on.

Rachel: That抯 it. (She crawls onto the bed) Ow!!!

Ross: Oh my God!

Rachel: Oh-ow!

Ross: All right.

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: Look...

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: Ow!

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Ow! Ow!

Ross: Easy. Easy. You have to go to the hospital. Okay?

Rachel: Okay, I do.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: I really do.

Ross: Okay, I抦 gonna get your coat and then I抣l-I抣l put you in a cab.

Rachel: Okay. Oh wait, wait-wait, you抮e not gonna come with me?

Ross: (He thinks about it) Of course I am. I just have to make a call.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Okay? (goes into the living room)

Rachel: Thank you. (She goes to take off her make-up and screams in pain) Oww!!!! God!

Ross: (rushing back in) What?! I wh-, what抯 wrong?

Rachel: I抦 sorry, I just can抰 go to the hospital lookin?like this.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is trying to find out what Phoebe won抰 tell her.]

Monica: Does it involve travel?

Phoebe: Noo!

Monica: Does it involve clogs?

Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws?

Monica: Clogs.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Claws?!

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Okay, so it doesn抰 involve Ross or Rachel or Chandler or Joey. But, what about Pete?

Phoebe: (Shaking her head yes) No!

Monica: What is it?! What about Pete?

Phoebe: I don抰 know! (frantically points at Monica)

Monica: Okay, I feel like I抦 talking to Lassie. All right, Phoebe would you just tell me!

Phoebe: I can抰!!

Monica: Okay, I gotta go. (gets up)

Phoebe: I, but you抮e so close! No!

Monica: Okay, does it involve something to do with Pete抯 computer company?

Phoebe: Oh, just go. You抮e never gonna get it!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching Baywatch with the baby chick. He抯 on one leather chair, the chick is on the other. It抯 watching Yasmine Bleeth run and is chirping.]

Chandler: I know. See, yes. That抯 Yasmine Bleeth, she抯 a completely different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: (sees he抯 watching Baywatch) Ohhh. (sees he still has the chick) Ahh! What are you doing?! I thought you were gonna take her back to the store today.

Chandler: I did! But the store wouldn抰 take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out?

(Joey wants to know, but Chandler doesn抰 want to discuss it by the chick, so he and Joey move over to the windows and away from the chick.)

Chandler: If they can抰 find a home for her, they kill her! And I抦 not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine!

Joey: Okay, good, good, good, 慶ause, good, 慶ause I was kinda having second thoughts too.

Chandler: Okay. And it抯 not just chicks y'know? It抯 all kinds of other animals!

Joey: That抯 horrible! Well, you did the right thing man.

Chandler: Thanks, I抦 glad you see it that way.

(He hear a duck start quacking, and see it waddle into the living room from the bathroom. Joey wants to know what抯 with the duck.)

Chandler: Ohhh-hoo, funny story!

[Scene: Pete抯 Restaurant抯 Kitchen, Pete is showing Monica around the kitchen.]

Monica: I don抰 believe this! Wow, look at this refridgerator! It抯 gigantic! I mean I could live in this thing! I抎 be cold, but I抦 always cold. Oh my God, look at these spider burners! I love spider burners.

Pete: So you like it?

Monica: Oh, it is sooo perfect. Thank you so much. (runs over and hugs him)

Pete: Oh, you抮e welcome. (He takes a deep breath)

Monica: Did you just smell my hair?

Pete: Nooo. Uh-huh, no way. What? No.

Monica: Oh God.

Pete: What?

Monica: You still have feelings for me don抰 you?

Pete: Now, nooo! I抦 just excited about the restaurant, that抯 all.

Monica: Pete.

Pete: Okay, I love you. Is that so bad?

Monica: No, it抯 not bad. It抯 not bad at all. It抯-it抯 really nice.

Pete: Look, the only who stands to get hurt is me. And I抦 okay with that.

Monica: You may be okay about getting hurt, but I am not okay with being the one who hurts you. That抯 why I can抰 take this job.

Pete: What?

Monica: And well, we probably shouldn抰 see each other anymore. I抦 sorry.

Pete: Okay, yeah. I mean... If that抯, if that抯 really what you want, okay.

Monica: Okay, bye.

(She kisses him on the cheek, and he kisses her back on the mouth.)

Pete: I抦 sorry things didn抰 work out...

Monica: All right shut up for a second and let me just see something. (She kisses him back on the lips) Oh, wow! (They then hug and kiss, very passionately.)

[Scene: The Hallway Between The Apartments, Ross and Rachel are coming back from the hospital. Ross is helping her up the stairs.]

Rachel: Okay, you抎 tell me the truth. Right?

Ross: Rach, you can抰 look fat in an x-ray.

Rachel: Okay.

(As they approach the door, Chandler comes out carrying his duck.)

Chandler: Okay! Now you stay out here, and you think about what you did!!

Ross: (to Chandler) That抯 a duck.

Chandler: That抯 a bad duck!!! (to Ross) How抎 the thing go tonight, Ross?

Ross: Oh, it was, nah, well....

Rachel: What thing? What thing?

Ross: Nothing, ah there was this thing at the museum. Come on. (they go into her apartment) Easy.

Chandler: (to the duck) Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that, that chick is not a toy! (He goes back into the apartment)

[cut to inside Monica and Rachel抯]

Rachel: What thing? What is this thing?

Ross: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel.

Rachel: Oh my God!

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Ross, why didn抰 you tell me that?

Ross: Eh, 慶ause I knew that if I told you, you抎 make me go, and I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on.

Rachel: I cannot believe you.

Ross: What?

Rachel: That is the sweetest thing, I just....

(They both look at each other for a while)

Ross: (breaking the silence) You should get some sleep.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: So, I抣l umm...

Rachel: Oh, I抦 sorry I spoiled you抮e evening.

Ross: No, that抯, no, as long as you抮e okay. So I抣l ah, I抣l see you tomorrow.

Rachel: Um-hmm, yeah.

(He leaves)

Rachel: (After he closes the door) See ya.

(In the hallway, Ross all dejected, sits down on the step.)

Chandler: (coming out of his apartment and seeing Ross) What did you do?

CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey抯 Bathroom: Chandler is watching the duck swim in the bathtub.]

Joey: What 慶ha doing?

Chandler: Having a swim.

Joey: What about the chick?

Chandler: Chicks don抰 swim.

Joey: Are you sure?

Chandler: I don抰 know. Should we try it?

Joey: Sure.

(Chandler picks up the chick and drops it in the water.)

Chandler: See, I told you they don抰 swim. (He goes to take it out)

Joey: (stopping him) Wait. Give him a minute.

Chandler: Noo! (takes him out) Oh, it抯 okay, it抯 okay, baby, baby, baby.

(Joey picks up and turns on a hair dryer.)

END

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