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老友记第三季The One With Ross Thing

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要是我们的鸡鸭生小宝宝不是很酷?可以叫它查克或狄克(老二的双关语)我要请你们帮忙我刚才洗澡,正在…洗身体时,发现一件事很像打喷嚏,但是感觉更爽?不是,是我身上长了东西什么东西?不晓得,它长在我不能…我看不到,我想麻烦你们帮我看一下拜托,又没什么是什么?是痣吗?不是,太皱了,不是痣那是痘子吗?不是,它比青春痘高级你就去看医…你们在干……确定了,冬天还有两星期没错这是咖啡馆,我都在这里表演漂亮他们是我的朋友各位,这是文斯文斯,我的朋友文斯是消防员你从燃烧的大楼里救过人吗?九十八次,队上第一高要是乔伊和我玩火柴就可以让你累积到一百孩子,不能拿火灾开玩笑你说得对,我知道我要走了,晚上要值班星期六见菲比,他好可爱但你不是刚和那个老师交往?杰森?我们晚上要见面菲比?脚踏两条船?你不像这种人我也知道我在游戏人间我在玩弄别人,搞七捻三我是搞七捻三的花心萝卜他们知道对方的存在吗?狗狗念书时,嘴唇会动吗?他们不知道各位医生怎么说?他说不用担心,是良性的是什么?他根本说不出来他只说是一种皮肤异常更糟的是他说,由于无法辨认他不愿意为我切除你应该去找我的医生我带着第三个乳头去找他时他直接就把它给切了我蛮幸运的虽然比不上天生两个乳头的人至少他们知道你长了什么你的有名字也许医学界会以你为名把它叫做“罗斯”大家会说咳,他长了一个罗斯是啊,真酷彼特要跟我分手什么?我刚才听留言他说等他回来“我们得谈一谈”然后呢?就这样没有人会说“我们得谈一谈”除非是坏事那不一定代表他要跟你分手真的?也许他只是对你不忠这么做没有好处但我还是很高兴我改变了一个孩子真好天哪天哪赶快通知消防队不必找消防员吧应该找好的黑手来他们来了,快逃!等一下,为什么?要是我想看消防员我会找消防员约会只是一个多出来的乳头很普通的第三个乳头你可以把它切掉,直接切掉把上衣脱掉让我看一下你在干什么?让你看那个非常普通可以直接切掉的乳头这不是第三个乳头首先,它长在屁股上不然是什么?等一下约翰逊,来一下我在跟汉弥顿讲话他对怪东西很在行,叫他也来我得去帮彼特浇花你们知道吗?如果他想分手,我就不浇了如果他要分手干脆让乔伊和我去“浇”懂我的意思吧?或者……我们可以去对着花盆撒尿我受不了了我好怕会被捉到我快疯了何不跟其中一个分手?你不是在游戏人间?现在不像游戏了比较像工作我好像在做田野调查那就选一个你比较喜欢哪一个?文斯很棒,他是男人中的男人他好壮,真的好壮好,那就选文斯吧但是杰森好感性感性很重要,选他是啊,听娘娘腔的话杰森才不娘娘腔我是说钱德我晚上有约谢谢各位临时赶来各位先生、女士我行医23年现在却被难倒了这里是书房你们看哦,灯光少一点光…不好的光灯光走开看到了吗?下对指令就行了也可以用调的他那么有钱,电视还真小那是视讯电话你们不能来的,所以不要乱碰宜家家俱,好舒服这里太高级了那个厨房好棒我知道我说真的冰箱还会祝我今天愉快你们看,百万富翁的支票簿乔伊,放下天哪,是彼特,快出去!视讯电话要怎么接?原来是这样摩妮卡,你好吗?很好我来帮你浇花别忘了瑞秋旁边那一盆钱德在沙发上我看到了,你们还真不会躲嗨你好吗?那天你说要找我谈一谈请问是好消息还是坏消息?好消息,绝对是好消息等一下,有另一通电话你好吗?还是我我这里有子画面我再回你电话摩妮卡?我再回你电话改天见好,我爱你我爱你我们也爱你是好消息,是好消息你想是什么好消息?你们看他开了一张五万元的支票给一位戒指设计师对不起,你想是什么好消息?天哪摩妮卡要嫁给百万富翁了赶快打给妈,打给妈¨打给妈那是彼特的妈妈你得办一个主题婚礼主题可以是… “看我们多有钱啊”你可以在喜帖里放钱你可以用钱做成餐具第一道菜可以上钞票色拉虽然干了点,绝对受欢迎别再说了我们才交往两星期也不知道他会不会求婚他是彼特,跟别人不一样你们第一次约会就去罗马对其它男人来说那是第三、四次约会的事如果他要求婚,那就太夸张了摩妮卡说得对这可是婚姻大事她不能说嫁就嫁你懂什么?你娶了一个女同志我要走了,我要去跟文斯分手你选了那个老师?我很喜欢文斯,但杰森好感性长期来说,感性应该比…身材很猛来得好杰森,绝对是杰森祝我好运万岁!对不起我在想象接到钞票捧花的感觉抱歉,文斯在吗?在我不晓得你们会真的滑下来什么事?这件事很难启齿我们还是别再见面了很好对不起没关系我还以为我们之间很特别我终于找到可以倾诉的对象我还有好多事没跟你分享天哪,我不知道你…抱歉,我说不出话来了我要去写日记等一下你如果想解决那个问题就去找我的药草师谢了,我是想切除不是想做成香料女生发现情人身上长了怪东西都会跟朋友广播拿来别生我的气,我就是忍不住 “新娘杂志”?我知道你不会答应求婚但是穿这套唐娜凯伦走红毯会有多美啊一定会很美不结婚也要买可以穿去俱乐部很奇怪我说过不会答应但是今天早上…我躺在床上想象说“愿意”的感觉我知道有点突然,也很匆促我也不是会做这种事的人但我可以这么做,对吧?毕竟我那么爱彼特我们追求同样的东西当我想到说“愿意”的感觉我觉得很快乐天哪我知道我还要派要是你真的结婚我可以带两个人去吗?你没跟消防员分手?我就是这个意思原来他非常感性他写日记,还画画他还为我画了一幅炭笔画他比较想用水彩画但是手边有很多黑炭那你要甩掉杰森吗?对,我总得跟其中一个分手杰森很感性,但文斯也是而文斯又有身材所以……这是算术问题请进你在电话里的语气很严肃出了什么事吗?你一定是罗斯我是萨吉大师老实说,我没找过大师所以…放轻松我在中部念过很好的医学院这样你比较安心了吧来看看你的皮肤异常吧请坐跟我想的一样,是昆度斯什么是昆度斯?不晓得,对你来说是什么?请趴下我有一种药膏可以让它缩小值得一试那当然,效果应该…显然不能这么做为什么?我们似乎惹火它了我们惹火它了?我看到症结了我们得动用更有力的手段爱拜托它绝对不可能脱落除非你用,怎么了?它掉下来了怎么会?被我的手表刮掉了灯光浪漫的灯光真好我说过有事情要告诉你对喔,我都忘了我最近想了很多我检讨我的人生觉得我已经征服了商场我已经征服了知识界现在又拥有世界上最美的女人但是还有一个缺憾什么缺憾?我该征服体育界了我想成为…终极格斗冠军你想怎样?我想成为终极格斗冠军那是全世界最激烈的体能竞技在四十九州岛被禁你在说什么?我的教练正在教我…截拳道和巴西街头搏击我还请人设计了专用的八角训练场所以你找了设计师(戒指字同拳击场)我要你在最前排看我赢得胜利我要你近得可以闻到血腥味你意下如何?我的父母会很高兴疯狂的内裤,爬上我的屁股疯狂的内裤,总是一成不变疯狂的内裤…他来干什么?继续唱你会安全过关,不会有事谢谢大家依照惯例演唱完不要跟我说话我刚好路过,看到你在表演你在台上的感觉好棒怎么回事?他是谁?我不知道,他突然跑来亲我快捉住他什么?我同时跟你们交往这种感觉很差,因为…实在很过瘾你们两个我都喜欢我不知道该选谁对不起,我很差劲我太差劲了别这样,没关系我们又没说只能跟彼此交往我们也是,你别太自责真的?我们交往的时间又不长甚至还没上过床你们没有?你们有?这是你们的问题我真不敢相信你跟他上床了?我陪你在公园吃过烛光晚餐啊我来替你省掉一个麻烦幸好没有太难看你陪他在公园吃烛光晚餐?我也可以陪你吃,我会陪你吃我居然跟一个…在林木区点火的人交往不会有事的好吗,狄克?你们好,我是萨吉大师他是鸭子吧?否则…就超出我的能力范围了他咳得很严重,兽医治不好你有办法吗?我看看我看看你能让他吃下蝙蝠吗?

The One With Ross's Thing

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are playing with the duck and the chick.]

Joey: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.

Chandler: Or... Dick.

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Chandler and Joey: Hey.

Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something.

Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better?

Ross: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body.

Joey: (with a disgusted look) What was it?

Ross: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. (starts to take off his pants)

Chandler and Joey: Whoa!!!

Chandler: No!!

Ross: Come on you guys, it's no big deal! (He turns around and shows him his thing.)

Chandler: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh.

Ross: Well what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to them, and they jump back.)

Joey: No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.

Ross: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple?

Chandler: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a?

Rachel: (entering, interrupting them) Hey guys! What's... (sees what they're doing and stops, the guys are stunned)

Chandler: Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter.

Ross: Ahhh.

Joey: Yeah, right.

(Rachel backs out with a confused look on her face.)


OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her date.]

Phoebe: (to her date) Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music. (points to the stage)

Vince: Good deal.

Phoebe: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people.

Rachel: Hi!

Chandler: Hey!

Vince: Hey!

Phoebe: Vince is a fireman.

Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before?

Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force.

Chandler: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred.
Vince: (dead serious) Fire safety is not a joke, son.

Chandler: You're right, I know.

Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. (kisses her) See you Saturday. (leaves)

Phoebe: Okay. (watches him leave)

Rachel: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher.

Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight.

Rachel: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you.

Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler.

Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other?

Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an `I don't know' face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Okay, no they don't.

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Hi!

(He goes over and sits down at the counter, all depressed.)

Joey: (going over to him) Well?!

Chandler: (joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's?

Ross: Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally benign.

Joey: Well what is it?!

Ross: He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin... abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it.

Chandler: Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples.

Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name.

Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."

Ross: (sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool!

[cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom]

Monica: Pete's breaking up with me.

All: What?!

Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk.

Rachel: And?

Monica: Well that's it. People never say `We need to talk' unless it's something bad.

Joey: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you.

Monica: Really?!

Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking with her second date, Jason.]

Jason: ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life.

Phoebe: That is so great! Oh, I... (sees that a parked near them has caught on fire) Oh my God!

Jason: Whoa!

Phoebe: (the fire has worsened) Oh my God!!!

Jason: Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department!

Phoebe: (stopping him) No! No!

Jason: No, no?

Phoebe: Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic. (hears the sound of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out of here!

Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?!

Phoebe: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? (she drags him away)

[Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.]

Ross: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!

Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. (Ross starts to take off his pants) What are you doing?

Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple.

Dr. Rhodes: Well that's not a third nipple.

Ross: No?

Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass.

Ross: Well then, what is it?!

Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?

Dr. Johnson: I'm with Hamilton!

Dr. Rhodes: He's good with rear things, bring him in too.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there.]

Monica: (starting to get up) I gotta go water Pete's plants. (stops) Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.

Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean.

Joey: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them.

Phoebe: (entering with Rachel) 卆nd I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy.

Rachel: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them?

Phoebe: (disgusted) Uh.

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?

Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field.

Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them.

Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more?

Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly. (giggles)

Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.

Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.

Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy.

Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy!

Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.

[Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted look on his face.]

Ross: Y'know I have dinner plans!!

Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm stumped.

(He removes the blanket covering the thing.)

All: Whoa. (they all lean in to get a closer look, Ross isn't pleased)

[Scene: Pete's apartment, Monica is there to water the plants, and is showing the gang around.]

Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! (the lights turn on automatically, but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights! Lights go away! (they dim) Oh, see you just need to find the right command.

Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch.

Joey: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV.

Monica: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything.

Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable.

Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) This place is amazing.

Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen.

Monica: I know.

Phoebe: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day.

Joey: Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook.

Monica: Joey, put that down! (the phone rings) Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front of it, and automatically answers it)

Pete: Monica? (the gang ducks and hides)

Monica: I guess that's how.

Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going.

Monica: Oh it抯 umm, good! It's umm, it抯 good, just here watering the plants.

Pete: Well don't forget that fiches over there by Rachel.

Rachel: (standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!!

Pete: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever.

All: (standing up) Hey Pete.

Joey: Hi, how ya doing?

Monica: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good news or bad news.

Pete: Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I have another call. (clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it going?

Monica: Oh no-no-no, it's still me.

Pete: Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. (to other caller) Yeah. (listens) Yeah, okay. I'm gonna have to call you back later. (pause) Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back.

Monica: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon.

Pete: Okay, I love you.

Monica: I love you.

All: I love you, love you.

Monica: Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good news.

Chandler: So, what do you thing the good news is?

Joey: (looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is?

[pause]

Monica: Oh my.

Rachel: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!!

Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom!

(Pete's computer automatically calls Mom, Pete's Mom.)

Pete's Mom: Hello.

Monica: And that's Pete's Mom.

(The gang quickly hides again.)


COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is returning from Pete抯.]

Rachel: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, 揕ook how much money we抳e got!? Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it抣l be dry, but people will like it.

Monica: Would you stop? We抳e only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don抰 even know if he抯 gonna propose.

Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He抯 not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that抯 like a third or fourth date kinda thing.

Monica: Well if-if that抯 what it is, then it抯-it抯 crazy.

Ross: Monica抯 right. We抮e talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can抰 just rush into this.

Rachel: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian!

(Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.)

Phoebe: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince.

Chandler: Oh, so you抮e going with the teacher, huh?

Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it抯 just Jason抯 so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it抯 just better than having just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt. (Her eyes glaze over thinking about the butt.) (pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck!

All: Good luck!

(pause)

Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what it抎 be like to catch the money bouquet.

[Scene: A Fire House, Phoebe has gone to break up with Vince.]

Phoebe: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here?

Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?!

Vince: Yo!! (slides down that pole that fire station抯 have)

Phoebe: Wow! I didn抰 know you guys actually used those.

Vince: So, what抯 up?

Phoebe: Umm, wow. This-this isn抰 gonna be easy. Umm, I don抰 think we should see each other anymore.

Vince: Uh-huh. G-good deal.

Phoebe: I抦 sorry.

Vince: No-no it抯 okay. It抯 just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and?(starts choking up) That there抯 so much in me I have to share with you yet.

Phoebe: Oh my God, I didn抰?br>
Vince: (starting to cry) I抦 sorry, I can抰 talk. I抦 gonna go write in my journal. (walks away)

Phoebe: (running after him) Wait-wait-wait! Wait!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]

Phoebe: (to Ross) I抦 telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy.

Ross: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don抰 want to make it savory.

Monica: Y'know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they tell their friends about it.

Ross: Gimme this. (Grabs the herbalist抯 card and leaves.)

Rachel: (entering) Hi! Okay, don抰 be mad at me, but I couldn抰 resist.

Monica: Brides magazines?

Rachel: Yes, and I know that you抎 say no if he asked you, but I抦 sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. (shows her the picture.)

Phoebe: (gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. (They both look at her.) Like for clubbing.

Monica: It is so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. (Rachel slams the magazine shut in amazement.) I know it抯 a little sudden, and it抯 a little rushed, and it抯 totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn抰 mean I can抰. Right? I mean I抦-I抦 crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy.

Rachel: Oh my God. (starting to cry)

Monica: I know. (pause) I need more pie. (goes and gets some)

Phoebe: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?

Rachel: You didn抰 break up with that fireman?

Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he抯 incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.

Rachel: Wow!

Phoebe: Yeah, well he抎 prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

Monica: So then, are you going to dump Jason?

Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and? Okay so Jason is sensitive, (holds up one finger) but now so抯 Vince (holds up one finger on her other hand) Plus, Vince has the body y'know? (holds up two more fingers on the Vince side) So? It抯 really just about the math.

[Scene: Jason抯 apartment, Phoebe has gone to break up with Jason.]

Phoebe: (knocks on the door) Jason?

Jason: Yeah, come on in.

(She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It turns out that he has a great body too, and is at a loss for words.)

Jason: So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong?

Phoebe: Nah-ha!

[Scene: Phoebe抯 Herbal Guy抯 office, Ross is there about his thing. Ross is looking around the exam room, and he goes over to a large bank of drawers, pulls one out and almost spills it as the herbalist, Guru Saj, enters.]

Guru Saj: You must be Ross.

Ross: Hi.

Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces)

Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I抳e-I抳e never been to a guru before, so...

Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I抳e attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let抯 take a look at this skin abnormality of yours. (motions to the table) Come on, have a seat. (looks at it) Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it抯 a koondis!

Ross: What抯 a koondis?

Guru Saj: I don抰 know, what抯 a koondis with you? (starts laughing as if that joke was funny, Ross only looks at him, and he stops) Please, lie down! I抳e got a save that oughta shrink that right up.

Ross: I guess it抯 worth a try.

Guru Saj: Oh sure, we should see results梂hoa!! Clearly not the way to go!! (quickly wipes it off)

Ross: What?! What?!

Guru Saj: We appear to have angered it.

Ross: We?! We angered it?!

Guru Saj: Oh, I think I see the problem. And I抦 afraid we抮e gonna have to use a much stronger tool. (Ross gives him a 慦hat??look) Love.

Ross: Oh God!

Guru Saj: (He starts moving his hands around in circles above the thing.) Ross, there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to?br>
Ross: Ow!!

Guru Saj: Oops.

Ross: What was, what was that?

Guru Saj: Well it抯 gone.

Ross: What?! How抯 that?

Guru Saj: It got caught on my watch.

Ross: Hey! (congratulates him)

[Scene: Pete抯 apartment, Pete and Monica are coming back from a date.]

Pete: Lights. (The lights turn on, once again they抮e too bright.) Uh, romantic lights. (The lights dim.)

Monica: Ooh, nice.

Pete: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.

Monica: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that.

Pete: Well ah, I抳e been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life?br>
Monica: Yeah?

Pete: And I feel like I抳e conquered the business world, and I feel like I抳e conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world.

Monica: Wow.

Pete: There抯 one thing missing.

Monica: What抯 that?

Pete: It抯 time for me to conquer the physical world.

Monica: Okay. (not sure of herself)

Pete: Monica, I want to become (pause) the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Monica: You wanna what?!

Pete: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It抯 the most intense physical competition in the world, it抯 banned in 49 states!

Monica: What are you talking about?

Pete: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian street fighting, I抳e even had my own octagon training ring designed.

Monica: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that.

Pete: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think?

Monica: My parents will be so happy.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe抯 singing, Vince is also there.]

Phoebe: (singing) 揅razy underwear, creepin?up my butt. (Jason enters) Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under-(sees Jason)-wear厰 (In her head) Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You抣l get through this; you抣l be fine. (She tries to continue the song, but she has lost the ability to pronounce words, and the lyrics come out as gibberish.) (giving up on the song) Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show.

(They all applaud her.)

Jason: (going up to her) Hey. I was?br>
Phoebe: Hey!

Jason: I was passin?by and I saw that you were playing tonight, it抯 kinda cool seeing you up there. (kisses her)

Vince: (running over) Whoa! Hey-hey! What抯 going on here? Who is this guy?

Phoebe: I don抰 know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince!

Vince: What?!

Jason: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, I抳e-I抳e been dating both of you, and it抯 been really horrible. 慍ause y'know it抯 been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn抰 know how to chose, so... I抦 sorry, I抦 just, I抦 terrible, I抦 a terrible person. I抦 terrible.

Vince: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it抯 okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive.

Jason: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break.

Phoebe: Really?!

Jason: Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven抰 been going out that long. Come on, we haven抰 even slept together yet. Huh.

Vince: You haven抰?

Jason: You have?

Phoebe: Well, this is none of my business. (starts to walk away)

Jason: (to Phoebe) I-I can抰 believe this! You-you抳e slept with him?!

Phoebe: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park.

Jason: Y'know Phoebe, I抦 gonna make this real easy for you. (walks out)

Phoebe: (to Vince) Well, that could抳e been really awkward.

Vince: You made him a candle light dinner in the park?

Phoebe: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I抦 gonna do that for you.

Vince: Uh yeah, I can抰 believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. (walks out)


CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Guru Saj抯 office: Joey and Chandler have taken the duck to see the guru.]

Chandler: (comforting the duck) Everything抯 gonna be all right. Okay, Dick?

Guru Saj: (entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj-(sees the duck)-Whoa!! (to Joey) That抯 supposed to be a duck right? 慍ause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league.

Joey: Yeah, yeah. He抯 got a, he抯 got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can抰 do anything about it. Is there something you can do?

Guru Saj: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?

(The duck starts to frantically flap his wings, while Joey is holding him, in an attempt to get away.)

END

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