The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang minus Monica is there.]
Chandler: Do you think that there抯 a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as you抮e driving into town there抯-there抯 like a sign, and it says 揧ou抮e in Sample.?(He says it like urine sample.)
Monica: (entering) Hey.
Rachel: How抎 it go with Pete?!
Joey: Tell us!
Monica: You抮e not gonna believe this. Okay, so I go over...
[Two guys walk over and interrupt her. They抮e both names you抳e already heard. One抯 Billy Crystal. Yes, that Billy Crystal from City Slickers. The other one is Robin Williams. Yes, that Robin Williams from Mrs. Doubtfire.]
Billy Crystal: I抦 sorry. Ex-excuse us. I抦 sorry, it抯 a little crowded. Do you mind if we... (motions to the couch)
Robin Williams: Yeah, could you scooch?
Billy: Yeah, move over just a little bit.
(Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey all scooch over to let them sit down.)
Robin: Keep on scooching.
[cut to Monica telling the gang about what happened at Pete抯]
Monica: So guys, listen, I go over there, and umm...
(Robin interrupts her again by complaining loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.)
Robin: Why? Why?! What抯 wrong with me?!
Billy: What抯 the matter?
Robin: I have a feelin?.. I, my wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist.
(The gang is now eaves dropping in on the conversation, and is shocked.)
Billy: How do you know?
Robin: Well y'know, he抯 got access.
Robin: Y'know it抯 that feeling you get, y'know?
Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know you抮e in somebody else抯 shoes?
Robin: That抯 the one.
[cut back to the gang.]
Phoebe: All right, so, so you went to Pete抯...
Ross: What happened?
Monica: (Robin is speaking loudly again) I...
[cut to Billy and Robin]
Robin: Why is this happening to me?! I don抰 know, maybe it抯 my wound.
[cut to the gang]
Monica: Forget it. (they all turn and listen to Billy and Robin)
Billy: So it抯-it抯 not heeled yet?
Robin: No-no, it抯 ooozing, oozing. (to Rachel) Could you pass me the cream? Is there any--Oh, there抯 the cream.
Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and nobody else.
Robin: What is it, Tim?
Billy: It抯 me, I抳e been sleeping with your wife.
Joey: (to Billy) So you抮e the gynaecologist?
Billy: (to Joey) Hey, I抦 trying to have a private conversation! Is that okay?!
Robin: (starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I have a napkin, please? Could you please hand me a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow for his tastes.) Would you--Give me this thing (grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!! Enough! (to Billy) And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! (gets up to leave) Nada!! No more! You are a bastard for doing this!! (Billy follows him) Get away from me!!
Billy: Thomas, come back here! (they both leave)
[cut to the gang, they抮e all stunned]
Phoebe: So Monica, what were you gonna tell us?
Monica: (pause) I have no idea.
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?
Phoebe: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don抰 take his name.
Monica: He didn抰 ask me to marry him.
Phoebe: Well then definately don抰 take his name.
Monica: He wanted to tell me he抯 gonna compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy.
The Guys: Pete?!
Rachel: Why?! What is it?
Monica: I don抰 know exactly. It抯-it抯 sorta like wrestling.
Phoebe: (intrigued) Oh?!
Monica: Yeah, but without the costumes.
Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh.
Joey: And it抯 not fake, it抯 totally brutal.
Chandler: Yeah, it抯 two guys in a ring, and the rules are: 揟hey抮e are no rules.?br>
Monica: So you can like, bite, and pull people抯 hair and stuff?
Ross: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking.
Monica: What抯 fish hooking?
Ross: Huh, what抯 fish hooking... (Joey sticks his finger in Ross抯 mouth and pulls on his cheek, y'know like when you hook a fish.) (to Joey, sarcastic) Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste?
Joey: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath.
[Scene: Chandler抯 office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss.]
Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. It抯 good to have you guys on my team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, let抯 go out there and get 慹m! Huh? And remember, there is no 慖?in team.
Chandler: Yes, but there抯 two in martini, soo everybody back to my office.
Doug: (to Chandler) You! Chuckles! What抯 your name?
Chandler: Oh it抯 Bing, sir. I抦 sorry , I was just ah...
Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is about hard work, but it抯 also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is making reservations.]
Ross: (on phone) That抯 right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder for six. (listens) Thank you. (hangs up) (to the gang) Yeah, we have the reservations.
Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! (smacks him on the butt)
Ross: (stunned) Dude, what are you doing?
Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.
Phoebe: Yeesh, what抎 you do about it?
Chandler: Well, I didn抰 do anything. I didn抰 want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.
Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it抯 okay to be that guy.
Joey: Yeah, maybe it抯 like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns. (pats Ross on the butt)
(Ross throws his hands out in a 揥hat are you doing??gesture)
Rachel: Y'know I don抰, I don抰 understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin?her boob.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between 慹m.
Monica: Okay, can we please go eat?
Joey: Yeah. What are we getting?
Monica: (to Chandler) Anything but stew.
Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don抰 give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know just ah, don抰 turn your back to him.
Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. (thinking aloud) Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?
Chandler: (to Ross and Monica) What if Joey were president?
(Monica, Ross, Chandler, and Joey exit.)
Phoebe: Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you something?
Phoebe: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a date?
Rachel: Oh, ah with who?
Phoebe: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two aren抰 together, she asked if I could set it up, but if you抮e not cool with it...
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again?
Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She抯 yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald...
Rachel: Oh! (laughs) That抯 fine.
Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt)
[Scene: A Gym, Pete is training for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, with his trainer, Hoshi.]
Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half?
Pete: I told you, we抮e adding new operators all the time. Could we concentrate on my training?
Hoshi: It抯 just hard when I know I have e-mail I can抰 get!
Monica: (entering) Hi!
Pete: Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi honey.
Hoshi: All right, on the table. (Pete gets on the table for his rubdown)
Monica: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don抰 want you to get hurt, 慶ause I kinda like you.
Pete: Oh, believe me, I don抰 want to get hurt either. I抦 being smart about this. See these guys? They抮e the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be a house painter.
Monica: Promise me you抣l be careful.
Pete: I promise.
Monica: Hey, are we still on for tonight?
Monica: Okay, good, 慶ause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout of our own...
Hoshi: No! No boom-boom before big fight!
Monica: How 慴out just a boom?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with Bonnie, as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: (to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies?
Phoebe: Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. (who has hair by the way)
Rachel: This is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie? (to Bonnie) You抮e Bonnie?
Bonnie: I can show you an ID if you want?
Rachel: Oh no, I抦 sorry, you look a lot different from the last time I-I saw you.
Bonnie: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again.
Rachel: Oh, that must be it.
Phoebe: (to Bonnie) Well I hope you have fun tonight.
Bonnie: Thanks! You too.
(Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly follows, shocked about how good Bonnie looks now.)
[cut to outside of Central Perk]
Rachel: (to Phoebe) You said she was bald.
Phoebe: Yeah, she was bald, she抯 not now.
Rachel: How could you not tell me that she has hair?
Phoebe: I don抰 know, I hardly ever say that about people.
Rachel: (looks in the window) Ohh, well, this is just perfect!
Phoebe: Well I抦 sorry, I thought you said it was okay.
Rachel: Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean, y'know, that girl has hair got all over head!
Phoebe: Well, maybe it won抰 work out. Maybe Ross won抰 like her personality.
Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality?
Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnie抯 the best!
[Scene: Chandler抯 office, Chandler is bent over getting some water as his boss approaches.]
Doug: Bing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and turns around to face him.) Read your Computech proposal, a real homerun. (He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler slides over making him miss.) Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. (Chandler goes over) Wham! (slaps him on the butt) Good one. That was a good one. (to a couple of Chandler抯 co-workers) Keep at it team. (goes into his office)
Chandler: (to his co-workers) What is with him?
Phil: With him? You抮e is favourite, you抮e his guy!
Stevens: We never get smacked.
Chandler: Well, that抯 not true, he-he smacked you once.
Phil: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me.
Stevens: I抦 telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting Dartmouth in the fall.
Doug: (coming out of his office) Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks. Did you go to Dartmouth Bing?
Chandler: No sir.
Doug: There you go. (smacks him on the butt)
[Scene: The Ultimate Fighting Championship, Ross and Monica are there watching Pete.]
Ross: (walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey!
Monica: God Ross, what is that?
Ross: Yeah, it抯 the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents, plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!!
Announcer: From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut! He抯 known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!!
[Pete enters with his entourage all pumped up, and Ross and Monica are the only ones who stand up and cheer.]
Monica: I love you, Pete!!!
Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! He抯 a 300 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!!
(The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one boo-ing him.)
Monica: (going up to the ring) Pete! Pete!! That guy抯 pretty huge!
Pete: Don抰 worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponent抯 strength and weight against him.
Ross: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble.
(Pete and Monica kiss, and Monica mouths 揑 love you.?to him.)
Ross: All right! You go get him! Let抯 go!
Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to Tank Abbott) Are you ready? (He nods, and takes out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods, 揧es.? Let抯 get it on!!
(They both rush each other. Tank picks Pete up and carries him over and slams him into the fence surrounding the ring.)
(Tank carries Pete over to the other side of the ring, and we see both Ross and Monica wince in pain.)
[Scene: The Arena, after the fight. Monica is walking up to a defeated Pete.]
Monica: Hey! (she sits down next to him) It抯 me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of you.
Pete: It would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant 揧ou suck!?br>
Monica: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now you can just look back at this thing with no regrets.
Pete: What, look back?
Monica: Well, you抮e not gonna get going are you?
Pete: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?
Monica: Well, no. But...
Pete: Well I抦 not gonna stop until I抦 the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
Monica: That guy stood on your neck until you passed out!
Pete: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dad抯 garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.
Monica: You didn抰 know that already?
Pete: Look, I抦 gonna get better. Okay? I promise you.
Monica: Okay, just get a lot better. (pause) Fast.
Pete: Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you being ringside may have affected my concentration.
Monica: Yeah. That-that was the problem.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross and Phoebe are grilling some burgers and hot dogs.]
Monica: (joining them) Hey.
Ross: Hey! How long until Pete抯 fight?
Monica: Oh, about five minutes. Right now they抮e interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.
Ross: Hot dog?
Monica: Four, please. (Ross looks at her) I抦 really nervous. (Ross gives her the four dogs) Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back inside)
Phoebe: So Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie?
Ross: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn抰 expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually wasn抰 expecting to like anyone right now, but she抯 really terrific.
Phoebe: Ohh, that抯 too bad!
Ross: No, I-I抦 saying I liked her.
Phoebe: Yeah, y'know what, there are other fish in the sea.
Ross: Pheebs, I think she抯 great. Okay? We抮e going out again.
Phoebe: Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about any thing else?
Chandler: (joining them) Hey! Which one抯 my turkey burger?
Ross: Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry.
Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Hey, the fight抯 starting!
Ross: Okay, we抣l be right in. (to Chandler) So ah, did your boss try to slap you again today?
Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it抯 gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I抦 conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.
Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Fight抯 over!
(Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all stop dead in their tracks at the news.)
[Scene: Chandler抯 office, Chandler is confronting his boss about the butt smacking thing. His boss is writing on a white board.]
Chandler: Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey there sports fan!!
Doug: (turning around) Bing! You got those numbers for me?
Chandler: No, I ah, I didn抰 do them.
Doug: Oh, you forgot?
Chandler: No, no I just ah, didn抰 do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don抰 deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise.
Doug: Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi Bridge never looked smaller. (laughs) That抯 okay, you抮e still my number one guy! (slaps him on the butt) Bing!
Chandler: I抦 a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself.
Doug: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass!
Chandler: No, no. It-it抯 not about the swearing, it抯 more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock.
Chandler: Oh, and don抰 get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It抯 just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it抯 making all the other guys jealous.
Doug: Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing! You抮e okay.
Chandler: Okay. (he starts to leave)
Doug: Ha! (goes to smack him on the butt, but stops, faking Chandler out) Ahhhhhhh!
Chandler: Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating shooting himself in the head)
[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are talking and walking.]
Phoebe: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain?
Rachel: (seeing Ross and Bonnie inside Central Perk) Oh my God! Phoebe look, it抯 Ross and that girl.
(We see Ross and Bonnie laughing and having a good time.)
Phoebe: No! No! Look at that! (drags her away from the window) It抯 a line of ants! They抮e working as a team!
Rachel: Phoebe! (goes back to the window)
Phoebe: (looking in the window) Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let抯 go.
Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay that抯, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that抯 what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh...
Phoebe: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive.
Rachel: Ohh! (walking away from the window) Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, he抯 gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.
Phoebe: You said it was okay!
Rachel: You said she was bald!!
Phoebe: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!!
Rachel: Phoebe, we can抰, we just can抰 just let it happen! Okay, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl!!
Phoebe: Okay, first of all, breathe. Second of all, I don抰 get it. Aren抰 you the one that decided that you didn抰 want to be with Ross?
Rachel: (quietly) Yes.
Phoebe: Well isn抰 he your friend? Don抰 you want him to be happy?
Rachel: I just y'know, I didn抰 expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! (sits down on the curb)
Phoebe: (sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh no.
Phoebe: Oh, we killed them all.
(They both jump up and wipe off their butts.)
[Scene: A locker room, Pete is in a full upper-body cast. Monica enters, sees him, and gasps. Pete tries to turn around, and winces in pain.]
Pete: It抯 okay, it抯 not as bad as it looks, it抯 a precaution. Ah, I抦 not supposed to move my spine.
Monica: Please tell me you抮e stopping now.
Pete: I抦 fine! I抎 fight tonight, if they抎 let me. (stands up and starts swinging his arms) See this circle I抦 marking off here? This is my zone of terror.
Monica: You are insane! You-you gotta give this up!
Pete: I can抰 until I抦 the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I抦 telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, I抦 not saying I could beat Superman, but y'know, kids are stupid.
Monica: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!!
Pete: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam抯 Apple, but that really hurt.
Monica: Well then, y'know what? I care about you to much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then you抮e gonna have to do it without me.
Pete: Well if you抮e asking me to quit, then you抮e asking me to be someone I抦 not. I抳e got to do this.
Monica: Then I抳e gotta go. Bye. (kisses him and starts to walk out)
Pete: Could you leave a note? 慍ause I抦 on a lot of pain killers now, and I don抰 know if I抣l remember this tomorrow. (She leaves.)
[Scene: Chandler抯 office, he is just finishing up a meeting with his boss and the rest of his team.]
Doug: So, in conclusion, the lines all go up (points to the chart), so I抦 happy. Great job team! Tomorrow at 8:30. (They start to leave) Phil! Nice job. (smacks him on the butt) Stevens! Way to go! (smacks him on the butt) Joel-burg, you maniac! I love ya! (smacks him on the butt) (Chandler walks up) Bing! Good job, couldn抰 have done it without ya. (he shakes his hand)
Chandler: Thank you, sir.
Stevens: (coming back in) Oh, excuse me. I forgot my briefcase y'know, by accident.
Doug: Of course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! (smacks him on the butt) (to Chandler) Well, what about you? You抮e not feeling left out or anything are ya?
Chandler: No. No, not at all, that抯-that抯 ridiculous.
Doug: Everybody else got one, and you want one too. Don抰 you?
Chandler: Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do!
Doug: Now get on out of here, you! (smacks him on the butt)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is watching Pete fight on TV. Monica is hiding in the kitchen, not watching.]
TV Announcer: Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, he抯 just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just...
Chandler: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak!
Rachel: Oh, I can抰 watch this. (turns her eyes away)
Joey: Check it out, he抯 winning! (to Monica) Pete抯 winning!
TV Announcer: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favourite area.
All: Oh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror)
Phoebe: Wait, if that抯 his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it?
Ross: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn抰 want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can抰.
All: Ohh!! (they all start pointing at the screen)