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老友记第四季The One With The Jellyfish

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好吧,就从我们到海边说起,因为菲比找到一个认识她父母的女人,我真不知道她们发生了些什么。我是你的母亲。呃?喔,然后莫妮卡开玩笑说她不会跟一个像钱德这样的人约会...嗨,在这。钱德没什么进展,而且...我也不知道他俩是怎么回事。 喔喔!接着,罗斯的新女朋友突然出现,瑞秋让她相信她该重新留光头。罗斯和瑞秋接吻, 现在罗斯得在瑞秋和那个光头女孩之间做个选择我不知道他们之间又发生了什么...你知道,等等,让我去找钱德。嗨!嗨!瑞秋帮了我大忙。我的头全晒黑了。噢。万分感谢。你是万分客气。那好,我在房间等你。当然。喔,天哪我了解。好了,我得走了。哇!什么?!为什么?!是这样,我-我要去跟邦妮分手。这里?!现在?!是的。我不能-不能整晚都呆在这,而且如果我过去她那边,她会-她会...动手动脚。那么,你不能告诉她你没这个心情?不,她喜欢那样。是的。假装睡觉也不管用,我没法跟你说有多少个早晨我醒来后和她...喔不。哇,很好。真是的,我为什么要告诉你这些?我不知道!是的,是的。不是每个早晨都会。喔,越描越黑!好了。这下我猜你会想知道都发生了什么事了。我-我的意思是,我想我能弄明白怎么回事。我猜你知道我的出生,然后每个人开始愚蠢地撒谎!不不!不是那样的,我...记得告诉过你,莉莉,弗兰克和我,曾经很亲密,我们,非常非常亲密。有多亲密?就是说,我们三个有点象,夫妇那样。我真不知道你们是怎么作到的!我们...我没问!不管怎么说,不知怎么我怀孕了,我吓坏了。我很傻,而且自私,当时我只有十八岁。 我是说,你还记得你十八岁时的情形吗?是的。让我想想,我的母亲自杀了,我父亲跑掉了,我和一个只和自己的手说话叫辛迪的家伙住在一个糟糕的地方。我很抱歉。我原以为我把你留给了世上最好的父母。直到几年前我才得到你父母的消息。而且那时你已经长大了。我不知道你在这儿,而且我会,我真的会,我会很高兴试着了解你。是啊,人人都想了解我!我是一个很酷的人。你有29年的时间来找我,可你甚至没有试过!你知道吗,你遗弃了我,我会,我也要对你作同样的事。等等!我再也不想见到你了!我的皮包在哪?讨厌,我们没苏打水了。我可以出去帮你买。真的?!不,因为我不是你的男朋友。嘿,菲比,事情怎么样?是这样,我妈妈的朋友菲比,事实上是我的亲生母亲。我发现了一片干燥的沙滩。甜心,我们说到哪了!我的亲妈是个大个子,肥胖的遗弃者!哦,等等,菲比,等一下,你不想留下来谈谈这事儿吗?不,我只是,我想,我需要安静一会。莫妮卡!哦。结束了。哦,很糟吧?时间真久。我甚至没意识到有多晚,直到我看到投射到她的光头上的早上五点钟的光影。不管怎么说,她也不想呆下去了。我叫了辆的士,她走了。我给你写了封信。喔!谢谢你!我喜欢收信。只是一些我现在的想法。一些关于我们的想法,而且在我们考虑复合之前,我得知道你是怎么看这件事的。没问题。 噢,现在是-现在是早上5:30。这样,我最好还是先解决这件事。那,我会等你,你一看完就上来。好的,我过一会上来。18页纸,两面都是。真让人激动。哦。哦哦。嘿 !你怎么啦?你为什么不上来?看完了!你才看完?是这样,我想看得更透彻。我的意思是它-它很显然非常,非常重要,对你,对我们!于是我想看得仔细点,看了两遍。那,是不是?你说什么。是不是?是不是?是不是?哦,我想把整个“是不是”的部分再看一遍。你在说什么,罗斯,你刚才不是说看了两遍吗?听着,你知道吗,不管是或不是,如果你还需要考虑的话...不,瑞秋,不。我不需要,我不需要,我不需要考虑。事实上,我决定了,我决定了,就是...是。真的吗哦,当然。真的。我明白了。好吧,假设发生了核爆炸,我是地球上最后一个男人,你会和我在一起吗?呃呃。我有罐装食物。嘿,你们这些家伙!看看这个。看看,挖了个大洞!很棒的洞,乔伊。哦,不,不。我的洞!噢噢!!什么?什么?怎么啦?水母蜇了一下!喔,好痛!好痛!好痛!我能帮你吗?要不要我们送你回去?差不多两里路呢!是啊,我挖洞也挖的有点累了。哦该死的水母。所有该死的水母。我们得做点什么。只有一件事可以做。什么?是什么?你们得在伤口上撒尿。什么?!!你真粗鲁!!别指责我,我是从探索频道看来的。你知道吗,他说的对。因为尿里面有一些类似,氨之类的东西,可以止痛。哦算了吧,也没痛得那么要命!!!!要是你想隐蔽点的话,可以用我的洞。我准备把它弄出去。哦。是你吗?是你吗?哇哦!真棒。哦,不是给邦妮的。是给你的。哦。嘿!海滩怎么样?没什么,我不知道。发生什么事了?没什么。我要去冲个澡。我也是!!我也是。好了,我要把这个放到车上去。哦,我得回去了。真的‘是吗’?是的,千真万确,是的。不是的!!!她要我承担所有的责任,为造成我们分手的每件事。我是说她花了五页纸来写我是怎么对她不忠的。我们当时已经分手了!!!哦天哪!你要是再说一遍的话,我也要和你分手了。很好!很好!但分手不是我一个人的错,这里她说,她说,如果你承认所有的责任...所有的责任!....我就能重新信任你。这是你能做到的。是不是?!不?瞧,罗斯,你得到了你想要的,你回到了瑞秋身边。如果你现在提出这件事,你会毁了你能有的最好的结果。可是,你知道,我的意思是,不,你是对的。我猜我能挺过去的。但是你-你明白要忘掉它有多-多难。确实,是很难忘掉。不过不代表你要老提它。那趟旅行发生的事咱们永远永远也不要提。那天在海滩究竟发生什么了?!那是我们和大海之间的事,罗斯!嗨,乌苏拉。嘿!是这样,呃,我知道我们很久没谈过了,但是,呃好吧,我们的妈妈不是我们的亲生母亲。另-另外一个女人才是我们的亲生母亲。是的,另外一个住在蒙塔克,哦哼。你知道她?!不,我,我读过妈妈的遗书。有-有遗书?!那,你还留着吗?等会儿。我真不敢相信你竟然没告诉我妈妈有遗书!是啊。那你想怎么样?我,呃,你闭嘴! “再见菲比和乌苏拉。我会想你们的。P.S.你们的妈妈住在蒙塔克。”是你刚才写的!好啦,大概就是这个意思。除了,除了那首诗。你读过的,对不对?没--有!!那好吧,等等。请把芝士拿给我。天啦,你甚至不敢看我!是不是?不是。嘿!菲比!我们可以和菲比讲话!!不,我-我心情不好,不想讲话。我给你一千块让你和我们讲话。嘿,你们这些家伙!你们觉得每年去一次海边怎么样?不!!!好啦,你们真是的!到底发生什么啦?发生什么?我们出去走了走,没什么事。我回来的时候全身也没什么东西。别这样!怎么啦?乔伊?没什么。不!我们发过誓永远不说的!他们永远也不会明白!可是我们得说点什么!我们得解决这事儿!它弄的我很不自在!!莫妮卡被水母蜇了一下。好啦!!是这样。 我被蜇了一下。很厉害。我站不起来。我-我走不了路。我们离屋子有两里路。又怕又孤单。我们觉得应付不来。我太痛了。而我又挖洞挖的累了。然后乔伊记起了。我以前在探索频道上看过...等等!我知道了!探索频道,是的!关于水母,如果你...喔喔!!你在自己身上撒尿?!哇哦!!你不能那么说!!你-你不知道!!我是说我以为会痛昏过去!不管怎么说我-我试过了,可我-我不能...够不着。于是...哇哦!!是的,于是我挺身而出!她是我的朋友,而她需要帮助!而且如果需要的话,我会在你们每个人身上撒尿!只是,呃,我没做到。我怯场了。我想帮她,可我压力太大了。 于是,于是,我呃,我交给了钱德。乔伊不停地冲我叫,“快点!快点!快点!”有时夜深了我还能在这里听见那叫声。那是因为有时候我隔着墙在冲你叫。 “... 金钟紫红和浅紫红。就是我的卧房的六十六种颜色。”谢谢你们,谢谢你们。哦,你们也可以数一数自己的卧房有多少颜色。除了你,你走开。我马上就走,我-我只想告诉你,没有一天我不在后悔扔下你。那好,再见。不,我还没说完。我-我-我只想让你知道我,不来找你的原因,因为我担心你的反应。就象,这样,你现在的反应,我们不能,你知道的,从现在开始?不。我很难过。还有最后一件事。你知道你想有个家。我就是你的家,是的。现在,现在,我说完了。可是,看来我们不会失去任何东西,你说是吗?对,你说的对。看来我们互相还不了解,或者说我们有什么相似之处。我不知道。我是说说不定我们有很多相似之处。比如说我喜欢,披萨。我-我喜欢披萨。你也是吗?等等,我喜欢呃,披头士。哦,天哪,我也是。我知道,哇!!!等等,等等。小狗。你觉得可爱吗?哦,当然可爱。喔喔,不过,我还是,还是生你的气。我知道,我也生自己的气。那,你想吃点什么吗?我有点饿了。嘿!我也是!!好啦,你不用这样。现在你只是想让我高兴罢了。哦噢,我有多想你。我也想你。哦,我当时好紧张那封信。但既然你承担了一切,那表明你已成熟了。你说是不是?大概是吧。你当然是。罗斯,你该相信自己。我是说妈妈从不相信这点。她说,“一旦骗人,永远骗人。”呃哼。哦,我多希望我们没有浪费过去的四个月,不过如果真的必须花这么多时间来获得一点了解的话...可我们当时已经分手了!!!!!!咖啡屋?你猜。记住,分手是两个人的事!!没错!那两个人就是你和那个复印室的女孩,就象昨天你承认的,所有的责任都是你的!!什么?!!我睡着了!你睡着了?!那时是早上5:30,你那封信洋洋洒洒18页纸, 而且是双面的!!哦哦哦,顺便说一句,Y-O-U-R-E意思是‘你是’,Y-O-U-R意思是‘你的’!你知道吗我真不敢相信我们居然会又和好!我们之间完了!!求之不得!!哦,哦,嘿嘿嘿,你那些拼写的小本事留着你星期六晚上和莫妮卡玩拼字游戏的时候用吧!!!嘿!!对不起!!只是想到我在那么希望他和我在一起的时候他居然在睡觉,我就觉得恼火!哦,不不不,你就没想过我会睡觉。我还留着你的信!!!嘿!那你该知道,它不是普通的信!不是每个人都会收到这样的信的!是很大件事!!我知道!!!金!(我赢了)我们在打金拉米牌?你知道要是咱们俩是一对儿,就可以光着身子玩牌。你有没有完!好吧,不说了。是的,我觉得你很棒,你很体贴,而且你很帅,我也爱你。可你还是那个在我身上撒尿的人。

The One With The Jellyfish

Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I don’t really know what happened with that.

[cut to Phoebe Sr.’s house, from the last episode]

Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) I’m your mother.

Phoebe: Ehh?

[cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a date.]

Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn’t go out with a guy like Chandler...

Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust)

Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldn’t let it go, and... I don’t really know what happened with that either.

[cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.]

Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Ross’s new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I don’t know what happened there either...

[cut back to Joey on the beach towel]

Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. (gets up and leaves.)

[Scene: The beach house, it’s the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross in front of the two doors of Rachel’s and Bonnie’s rooms, trying to decide which door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.]

Ross: (surprised) Hi!
Rachel and Bonnie: Hi!

Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.

Ross: Awww.

Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million.

Rachel: Oh, you’re welcome a million.

Bonnie: (getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay, I’ll see you in our room.

Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.)

Rachel: (softly) Oh my God.

Ross: I know.

(They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.)

Ross: (stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I gotta go.

Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?!

Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.

Rachel: Here?! Now?!

Ross: Well, yeah. I can’t-I can’t stay here all night, and if I go in there she’s-she’s gonna wanna... do stuff.

Rachel: Well, can’t you tell her that you are not in the mood?

Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn’t work either, I can’t tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...

Rachel: (interrupting) Whoa-ho.

Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that?

Rachel: I don’t know.

(they kiss again)

Ross: Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasn’t every morning.

Rachel: Oh, making it worse!

Ross: Okay.

OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Phoebe Sr.’s house, it’s right after she told Phoebe that she’s her birth mother.]

Phoebe Sr.: So I guess you’d like to know how it all happened.

Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off!

Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasn’t like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close.

Phoebe: How close?

Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.

Phoebe: I don’t even know how that would work!

Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were...

Phoebe: (interrupting) I’m not asking!

Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it’s like to be eighteen years old?

Phoebe: Yeah. Let’s see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.

Phoebe Sr.: Well, I’m so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didn’t even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don’t know, you’re here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! I’m a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn’t even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and I’m just, I’m gonna do the same thing to you.

Phoebe Sr.: Wait!

Phoebe: I don’t ever want to see you again!

(She walks out and slams the door.)

Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, where’s my purse?

[Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is looking in the fridge.]

Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot! We’re out of soda.

Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, I’ll go out and get you some.

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Nope! Because I’m not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, who’s entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go?

Phoebe: Well, umm, my Mom’s friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom.

(The gang is shocked.)

Chandler: I found a dried up seashores.

Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about?

Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-who’s a big, fat abandoner! (starts to go upstairs)

Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don’t you wanna stay here and talk about it?

Phoebe: No. I’m just, I wanna, I need to be alone.

(She starts to go upstairs.)

Phoebe: (turning around, insistently) Monica!

Monica: Oh.

[Scene: The beach house, Rachel’s bedroom. She is finishing up writing something as Ross walks through the door.]

Ross: It’s over.

Rachel: Oh, was it awful?

Ross: Well, it was loong. I didn’t even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o’clock shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh, then stop themselves quickly.) Anyway, she didn’t want to stay. I called a cab; she just left.

(They kiss.)

Rachel: I wrote you a letter.

Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns away.)

Rachel: (handing him the letter) It’s just some things I’ve been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.

Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow, it’s-it’s 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, I’d better get cracking on this baby.

Rachel: Well, I’ll be waiting for you, just come up when you’re done.

Ross: Okay, I’ll be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting.

[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.]

Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of coffee and resumes reading the letter)

Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why didn’t you come up?

Ross: Done!

Rachel: You just finished?

Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!

Rachel: So umm, does it?

Ross: I’m sorry.

Rachel: Does it?

Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole ‘Does it?’ part just another glance.

Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn’t, and if you have to even think about it...

Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I don’t, I don’t, I don’t have to think about it, in fact, I’ve decided, I’ve decided that, that it.......does.

(Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While hugging her, Ross tries to find the ‘Does it?’ part in the letter.)

Rachel: Are you sure?

Ross: Oh, sure! I’m sure.

Rachel: I know. (Hugs him more violently this time and pushes him back away from the letter.)

[Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.]

Chandler: All right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?

Monica: Ennnh.

Chandler: I’ve got canned goods.

Joey: (jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he is shoulder deep) Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over to the hole.) Check this baby out, dug me a hole!

Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe.

(A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.)

Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!!

Monica: (screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!!

Joey: (climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!! What is it?!

Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!!

Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!

Monica: It’s like two miles!

Joey: Yeah, and I’m a little tired from digging the hole.

Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish!

Chandler: We’ve got to do something!

Joey: Well, there’s really only one thing you can do.

Monica: What?! What is it?!

Joey: You’re gonna have to pee on it.

Monica: What?!! Gross!!

Joey: Don’t blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.

Chandler: Y'know what, he’s right. There’s something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain.

Monica: Well forget it! It doesn’t hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!!

Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my hole.

[Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.]

Phoebe: Well, I’m ready to get the hell out of here! (Sees Ross and Rachel cuddling on the couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod ‘Yes.’) Ohh! That’s so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. (they nod ‘No.’) But for you, yay! Ohh.

(The rest of the gang arrives with their heads down in shame.)

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: How was the beach?

Monica: Nothing, I don’t know.

Ross: What happened?

Monica: Nothing. I’m gonna take a shower.

Chandler: Me too!!

Joey: Me too.

Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car.

Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) It really does?

Ross: It does. It really and truly does.

(Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After she’s gone, Ross frantically tries to find and read the ‘Does it?’ part.)

Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.]

Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say ”Well...”) (yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!

Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I’m gonna break up with you!

Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, (reading from the letter) “If you accept full responsibility...” (to Chandler and Joey) Full responsibility! “...I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem like something you can do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!”

Joey: No?

Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, you’re back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you’re gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.

Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you’re right. Yeah I guess I’ll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.

Joey: Sure, it’s hard to forget! But that doesn’t mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler) ever talk about.

Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?!

Joey: It’s between us and the sea, Ross!

(Ross laughs and has a ‘Come on...’ look on his face as he looks and Chandler who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.)

[Scene: A hallway in an apartment building. Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.]

Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.

Ursula: Hey!

Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we haven’t talked in a long time, but umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom.

Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.

Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?!

Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom’s suicide note.

Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods ‘Yes.’) Well, do you still have it?

Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebe’s face.)

Phoebe: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me there was a suicide note!

Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?

Phoebe: I, umm, shut up!

(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)

Phoebe: (reading from the note) “Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I’ll miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk.” You just wrote this!

Ursula: Well, it’s pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?

Phoebe: Noooo!!

Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are sitting at the table eating dinner and not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.]

Monica: Pass the cheese, please.

(Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.)

Monica: My God, you can’t even look at me! Can you?

Joey: Nope.

(Phoebe enters.)

Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!

Phoebe: No. I’m-I’m to depressed to talk.

Chandler: I’ll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.

Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?

Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!!

Rachel: All right, that’s it, you guys! What happened out there?

Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me.

Ross and Rachel: Come on!

Ross: What happened? Joey?

Joey: All right. (gets up)

Monica: (stopping him) No! Joey, we swore we’d never tell!

Chandler: (running over and joining Monica) They’ll never understand!

Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It’s eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.

Monica: (interrupting) All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the living room) I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I-I couldn’t walk.

Chandler: (following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn’t think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monica’s shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.)

Monica: I was in too much pain.

Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!

Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.

Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...

Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!

Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!

Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t...bend that way. So... (looks at Joey.)

Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!

Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.

Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, “Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!” Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.

Joey: (laughs) That’s ‘cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]

Phoebe: (singing) “...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm.” (applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her) Except for you. You go away.

Phoebe Sr.: I’ll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasn’t been a day where I didn’t regret giving you up.

Phoebe: Okay, bye.

Phoebe Sr.: No, I’m not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didn’t look you up was, well I was afraid that you’d react, just well like, the way, the way you’re reacting right now, and can’t we just, y'know, start from here?

Phoebe: No.

Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. I’m family, I’m it. Now, now I’m done. (starts to leave)

Phoebe: But, it’s not like we’re losing anything. Y'know?

Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Phoebe: It’s not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common.

Phoebe Sr.: Well, I don’t know. I mean it’s not like we don’t have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza.

Phoebe: I-I like pizza!

Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles.

Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I!

Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!!

Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly?

Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I’m-I’m mad at you.

Phoebe Sr.: I know. I’m mad at me too.

Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I’m kinda hungry.

Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too!

Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now you’re just doing it to freak me out.

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.]

Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you.

Ross: I missed you too.

Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know?

Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose.

Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm.

Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...

[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]

Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!

Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?

Monica: You bet.

[cut back to Rachel’s bedroom with both of them hurriedly getting dressed]

Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!!

Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!

Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter!

Rachel: What?!!

Ross: I fell asleep!

Rachel: You fell asleep?!

Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’

Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!

Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)

Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you’re at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!!

Monica: Hey!!

Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel bad about all that sleep you’re gonna miss wishing you were with me!

Ross: Oh, no-no-no don’t you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!!

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!

Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!

CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are playing cards at the dinner table.]

Monica: (sets down some cards) Gin.

Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.

Monica: Will you stop!

Chandler: Okay. All right.

Monica: Okay, all right, I think you’re great, I think you’re sweet, and you’re smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.

END

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