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老友记第四季The One With The Cuffs

所属教程:老友记第四季

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被铐住的人嘿!! 看我们运气多好! 特雷盖说地下室的东西我们随便拿.等一下.噢,不-不-不,我要划向远方!哈?!我们真的要这些生锈的废物?!免费拿?还有些爆竹呢,没点过的我们真算得白人垃圾我很绝望吗?幸好钱德不在这儿, 他总是最绝望的我刚刚告诉我妈我要帮她的晚会准备食物.为什么要这样做?因为我需要钱,而且我那点仅存的自尊不要也罢这是一件好事.老妈若不是觉得你厨艺精湛才不会雇你呢你犯不着替她说好话,她又听不见嘿! 你有水果汁吗?只有泡菜.很有趣. 昨天我在街上碰见乔安娜了.我的老板, 乔安娜? 喔, 很惨吧不, 实际上, 她只是问我是否想一起喝一杯.你没答应她吧?没有嘿, 瑞秋.起初我没答应她在这里做什么?我不能理解!上次你跟她约会以后还说她是个'反应迟钝的笨女人'好吧, 我过早对她下结论了现在我跟她可以做进一步的发展上次我差点被开除. 你必须跟她绝交,立刻!得了吧!我又不是天天有艳遇!通常我都是独处的钱德!!答应我, 跟她断交.好吧, 我答应.谢谢.希望你知道,我为了你牺牲巨大她可不光是你的老板而已,了解我的意思吧.耶!抱歉, 我只是了解他的意思.大厨进展如何?非常好, 乳蛋饼已经快好了.这是什么? 蓝色指甲油?我认为它很可爱.我们发现你祖母时,她的手就这样.我想问你一个问题.嗯.为什么你要雇我?理查德德德办晚会那次,说你的食物非常棒,当然那时你和他睡过.而且我听说在那个女同性恋的婚礼上你的食物也大受欢迎,我假定你没和那里的什么人睡过.所以我认为你可能有两把刷子天啊! 你听到了吗?她雇我是因为,她认为我很优秀.我倒没听见.她不是可怜我才雇我的,也不是她想在她的朋友前挑剔我,而是她真的认为我很优秀.喔! 如果你是个同性恋就太酷了!下午好, 你是一家之主吗?啊~你有大百科全书吗?没有! 你可以查查分类广告,卖什么的都有。实际上我不想买书, 我是来卖书的. 我想问你一个问题.朋友们聊天的时候,你是否经常频频点头却不太明白他们在说什么?我告诉你这是违反宪法的.没错, 我完全同意.我认为他应获诺贝尔奖.不!!这就像阿尔冈琴族的小孩儿桌一样.对不起, 这两分半钟你什么也没有说, 你有兴趣吗?耶! 耶. 进来.这很神秘.什么?你的指甲.我知道, 我从不戴假指甲的.这次是为了不让我妈抱怨我咬指甲。不, 我的意思是现在你只戴着九个.天啊. 等一下, 刚才还是十个天啊! 它在乳蛋饼里! 天啊!别慌. 我现在就去商店, 我将给你带回一套新的,神不知鬼不觉, 你看起来依旧完美.哦! 但是他们会吃掉它的, 这才是问题.亲爱的, 不要咬你的指甲.好吧, 别惊慌有个乳蛋饼杯里有只我的蓝指甲谁都不知道是哪一个杯子发现指甲就可以赢大奖!我没惊慌那你为什么笑?没什么, 这样你父亲输给我5美元.什么? 你打赌我会掉一个指甲吗?别傻了. 我打赌我会需要这些冰冻宽面条?嗯.你笃信我会搞砸? “你雇我是因为我很优秀”都是假的咯...不-不-不, 那是真的.准备备用食物只是怕你又“很莫尼卡”.你答应过外恩博格教授, 你不再使用这个词了.亲爱的, 来吧, 幽默一点, 你从未有自嘲的风度.没错.我妈从没信任过我!好好笑! 哈-哈-哈-哈.我不觉得好笑.不, 我信任你...不! 你只是有烤宽面条! (铃响)!报废的乳蛋饼烤好了.怎么没有分手的感觉.我们的确分手了. 我很忧伤.好吧.是的.不能等到明天吗?好吧.难以置信!!谢谢.不, 不, 是我的老板. 我不得不走.好.你做什么?我穿衣服为什么?如果我光溜溜走出去,会有人朝我扔垃圾.等一下. 我想给你看些东西.是什么?别人给我的一个让人兴奋的小礼物.把手并拢啊哈,你不是我的老板.你是!好调皮.10分钟后我就回来.你就这样离开我?你就乖乖地坐在这里等我, 这真让人有些兴奋.好吧. 但是如果你不能马上回来,我可也无计可施!哦.嘿! 我给你带了蛋白杏仁饼干!太好了! 这样我就可以用它撞你的鼻子了.奇怪, 她竟然锁门.你知道为什么吗? 圣诞节的奖金清单就在里面.我早晨看见她在写好吧, 你发誓不告诉别人, 马克离开前给了我一把乔安娜办公室的钥匙.你想看清单吗?耶!嘿!你好?你好, 乔安娜......的办公室.真的很抱歉我可能要多呆一小会儿.有多小?!几个小时, 这太可怕了.看, 这一点都不有趣! 你要马上回来!我不能!!为什么?!我正在我老板的车里!什么?!噢, 进隧道了.什么事?!瑞秋, 我现在能见你一下吗?可以, 现在的情况是...手铐的钥匙在门的后面.你可以乖乖把钥匙拿来给我开锁吗?顺便说一下,你的长裤套装很可爱你发誓你和她分手了!我是和她分手了! 她只是感觉良好事实上你已经使我的职业生涯面临危险,难道你从未意识到吗?!我已经意识到了!但是情况有变,打开手铐.你知道吗钱德, 你作茧自缚你自己想办法脱身不-不-不-不-不-不-不!! 我开不了手铐!你当我有特异功能吗?快点, 你必须帮我,她要好几个小时后才能回来, 我很冷, 而且哦, 钱德!! 好吧, 我帮你!你不能再见乔安娜了!不见!你也不能再进她的办公室了!不进!你要把我的随身听还给我!我 ... 从未借过你的随身听.那是我搞丢了。你买一个给我!成交! 我们现在就离开! 快! 这感觉太好了!啊!很疼?不, 我经常看见人们大松一口气, 当他们的手铐被打开以后.我可爱的裤子!等一下! 你打算怎么跟乔安娜交代?交代什么?当她看见你不在了, 她就知道是我放你走的,她就知道我进来过, 我会被炒鱿鱼的!我会捏造一个故事! 我很擅长说谎, 实际上我借过你的随身听!你无法自圆其说, 她会知道是我放你走的我必须把你重新铐回去哦-哦-哦, 这不行!好吧, 这会好一点.有趣儿的东西来了, 乔伊. 你知道梵高吗?他割了自己的耳朵.还有?没了.他画了这个.喔! 画得真好.我还认为他太蠢所以割掉自己耳朵.书上还有什么?哦... 教皇住在哪里?森林里.不, 等等, 这是笑话里的答案.答案是梵蒂冈.你知道加硫橡胶吗?司迫克的节育器.你需要这套书.嘿!嘿.这里以前是你的闺房?喔! 你童年时身材一定很好哦, 我太白痴了.无法相信,我竟然真以为她已经会转变其实, 谁关心你妈妈怎么想? 你无非就是“很莫尼卡”.很好, 我很高兴你也这么说但是, 这不一定是贬义嘛我们可以当它是褒义.下楼去,证明你妈妈错了.把你该干的活做好,我们把那叫做“很莫尼卡”什么?好吧, 如果一个孩子得到了成绩优秀的A, 他的父母就会说, "耶, 他‘很莫尼卡’"你知道? 或者一个消防队员救了一个孩子, 人们就会说"耶, 他‘很莫尼卡’"或者当有人打了一个全垒打, 广播员就说, "太棒了."当然他还是没变说法好吧, 我现在下去.但是, 我可不想端烤宽面条. 我要端我做的食物出去喔! 我的乳房还真强壮呢.钱德! 我必须把你锁回去我不能失去这份工作, 她的办公室是非常保密的.现在我知道原因了.反正你都会有麻烦,明白吗如果她回来看见我被锁在这边,而不是椅子上她就会知道你进来过. 所以你最好还是让我走.我帮你打扫一个月浴室?还不是脏的我只是想要自由.帮你脚底按摩一个月!自由啊!帮你把所有照片都收到相册里!自由啊! 我只是想要自由啊! 为什么你不能帮我?!索菲, 救我! 救我!!索菲, 坐!!不! 天啊, 你不能平静下来吗!我只想说最后一遍. 你能...喔! 想不到呕吐也有这么多学问 稍等.怎么样, 乔伊? 你只要花$1200就可以得到一整套百科全书, 零售$50一本!$1200? 你认为我会有$1200吗? 这些天我一直在家, 我的客厅里摆着庭院椅你博览群书却没学到某些常识好吧,你有什么?分期付款卖给我如何?每月付零元?你难道一无所有吗想看看我有什么? 好? 巧克力软糖 一张电影票根 钥匙, 面巾纸, 石头, 还有个小兵人!了解了, 谢谢你的时间.还有$50. 喔, 这一定是钱德的裤子.如果是$50的话你就能拥有一本书了! 你想要哪本? A? B? C?V那本, 我想看看坏孩子是怎么回事我帮你打点圣诞礼物.不!我... 哦! 我每天早晨给你榨鲜橙汁!带水果肉的吗?耶!!不!不!!我想到了!你才没辙呢我胜券在握将有谣言四起,无法平息索菲知道,莫尼卡和菲比也知道.莫尼卡和菲比怎么会知道?哦, 我给她们打电话. 如果她们问我看见了什么, 我会非常大方或者守口如瓶继续.我可以让你成为一个传奇我可以让你成为当今的“米尔顿伯乐(谐星)”米尔顿可了不得...他都无法同你媲美他们碰到不碰宽面条了!真的?!哦, 他们喜欢你的砂锅菜.太好了!!很难相信,刚才还只有一些原材料看来每个人都喜欢你的菜.你呢?我想它是... 十分可口.每个人都喜欢, 你也喜欢, 那就代表我成功了.那你就是个……婊子?我不是这意思, 但是我们可以用你的词.我错了, 我必须告诉你今天你给我留下了非常深刻的印象.喔!嗯, 你可以说她“很莫尼卡”.她不知道我们已经将它转义了.下次你帮我提供食物,我只准备冰块你的话对我意义重大;哦, 妈妈, 不要咬你的指甲.嗨.嗨!嗨, 钱德.我爱你.怎么了?哦.不, 他才不会!被琐了两个小时!你真的要和乔安娜分手?我想是这样的.正确的是, 当你说完以后就应该马上离开, 在她像维苏威火山喷发以前.像火山?是啊,像火山一样.可怕的火成岩构成.什么?!喷出熔岩, 吐出热灰, 当然有些火山是休眠状态的为什么你会突然谈到火山?好吧, 那我们谈谈其它的.你想谈什么? 活体解剖?输精管?越战?有谁看过朝鲜战争的记录片吗?看了, 看了.朝鲜真的是一个美丽的国度.不过她的历史哀伤了一些.姓“金”的人可真多谁在外面?是我! 早上好!瑞秋, 你能进来一下吗?好, 没问题. 嗯, 没有你要的那种百吉饼, 所以我...天啊!我似乎有一些小麻烦.你能把门后的钥匙给我吗.没问题!告诉钱德我们完了.好吧.

The One With The‘Cuffs

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in the canoe as Joey runs through the door carrying an outdoor patio table.]

Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. (Goes back into the hall)

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I’m, I’m paddling away!

Joey: (Returning carrying a couple of rusted lawn chairs) Huh?!

Chandler: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?!

Joey: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped!

(They both sit down at the table and the chick and the duck enter from Joey’s bedroom.)

Chandler: Could we be more white trash?

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]

Monica: (Entering from her bedroom) How desperate am I?

Rachel: Oh! Good thing Chandler’s not here, he always wins at this game.

Monica: I just told my Mom I’d cater a party for her.

Phoebe: How come?

Monica: Because I need the money, and I thought that it’d be a great way to get rid of that last little schmidgen of self-respect.

Ross: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I don’t think Mom would’ve hired you if she didn’t think you were good at what you do.

Monica: You don’t have to stick up for her. She can’t here you.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading the paper and Chandler is getting ready for work.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice?

Joey: Just pickle.

Chandler: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.

Rachel: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must’ve been awkward.

Chandler: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink.

Rachel: (laughs) You ah, you didn’t say ‘Yes’ to that did you?

Chandler: (laughs) No. No!

Joanna: (Coming out of the shower wearing nothing but a towel) Hello, Rachel. (She goes into Chandler’s bedroom)

Chandler: Well, not at first.

Rachel: What is she doing here?

(Joey makes a sound like a creaking bed.)

Rachel: I don’t understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a ‘big, dull dud.’

Chandler: Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level.

(Joey creaks louder)

Rachel: Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must end it now!

Chandler: Oh, come on! It’s not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I’m pretty much just in there by myself.

(Joey makes a sound imitating one person making a bed creak and Chandler turns and glares at him.)

Rachel: Chandler!! (He turns around quickly) Promise me, you will end it.

Chandler: Okay, I promise, I’ll end it.

Rachel: Thank you.

Chandler: I hope you know what I’m giving up for ya, because she’s not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean.

Joey: Yeah-eh-eah! (Rachel glares at him) Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant.

[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are cooking for Mrs. Geller’s party.]

Mrs. Geller: (entering) How’s the hired help?

Monica: Doing great, the quiches are coming along.

Mrs. Geller: What’s this? Blue nail polish?

Monica: Yeah, I thought it was cute.

Mrs. Geller: Ahh, that’s what your Grandmother’s hands looked like when we found her.

Monica: Let me ask you a question.

Mrs. Geller: Hmm.

Monica: Why did you hire me?

Mrs. Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice, I assume you weren’t sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would be something. (Leaves)

Monica: (to Phoebe) Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks I’m good.

Phoebe: Okay, I didn’t hear that.

Monica: Oh yeah, she didn’t hire me out of pity, it wasn’t so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks I’m good.

Phoebe: Wow! And hey, it’s cool if you’re a lesbian! (Gives her a thumbs up)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is scrapping gum off the table as there is a knock on the door. He goes over and opens it.]

The Salesman: (Entering before Joey can say anything) Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house?

Joey: Uhhhh. (He’s not sure)

The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias?

Joey: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there.

The Salesman: Actually, I’m not buying. I’m selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you’re not really sure what they’re talking about?

(We go into a flashback sequence with Joey remembering some of those times.)

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s apartment, all are there.]

Ross: …I’m telling you it’s totally unconstituional.

Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: Oh yeah, I totally agree.

(Joey just nods his head.)

[Cut to Central Perk, the entire gang is there.]

Monica: …I think he deserves a Nobel Prize. (Joey starts to nod ‘Yes.’)

All: Nooo!! (Joey quickly stops nodding his head.)

[Cut to Monica and Rachel’s, they’re all there playing cards.]

Chandler: …it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)

[Cut back to the present day.]

The Salesman: (Interrupting the flashback) Excuse me, I’m sorry, you haven’t said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested?

Joey: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in.

[Scene: The Geller’s Kitchen, Monica and Phoebe are still cooking.]

Phoebe: That’s weird.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Your nails.

Monica: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I just did it so my Mom wouldn’t give me grief about me biting them.

Phoebe: Oh, no, I meant that it’s weird that you only have nine now.

Monica: (Looks at her nails) Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them put… (realises) Oh my God! It’s in the quiche! Oh My God!

Phoebe: Okay, don’t panic. I’m gonna go to the store, I’m gonna get you another set of nails, no one’s gonna know, and you’re gonna look great. (She runs over to get her coat.) Oh! Oh, it’s ‘cause they’re gonna eat—that’s the problem.

Mrs. Geller: (entering) (to Monica) Honey, don’t bite your nails.

Monica: Okay ah, please don’t freak out. Umm, but ah, there’s a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there’s no way to know which one.

Phoebe: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize!

Mrs. Geller: (laughs) I’m not freaking out.

Monica: Then why are you laughing?

Mrs. Geller: It’s nothing, it’s just that now your Father owes me five dollars.

Monica: What? You bet I’d lose a nail?

Mrs. Geller: Oh no, don’t be silly. I just bet I’d need these. (Opens the freezer to reveal…)

Monica: Frozen lasagnas?

Mrs. Geller: Um-hmm.

Monica: You bet that I’d screw up?! So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good was…

Mrs. Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you pulled a Monica.

Monica: You promised Dr. Weinburg, you’d never use that phrase.

Mrs. Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, you’ve never been able to laugh at yourself.

Monica: (laughs) That’s right. My Mom doesn’t have any faith in me! Oh, that’s hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Phoebe: I don’t get it.

Mrs. Geller: No, I have faith…

Monica: (interrupting) No! You have lasagnas! (Storms out and an awkward silence follows.)

Oven: Ding!

Phoebe: Op, the ruined quiches are ready.

[Scene: Joanna’s office, Joanna and Chandler are making out on her chair. Chandler isn’t wearing any pants.]

Chandler: It just doesn’t…feel like we’re breaking up.

Joanna: No, we are. I’m sad.

Chandler: Okay.

(They start kissing again, but are interrupted by the phone.

Joanna: (answering the phone) Yes. (listens) Uh, can’t you wait until tomorrow? (listens) All right. (hangs up) Unbelievable!!

Chandler: Thanks.

Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go.

Chandler: Okay. (Starts to button up his shirt)

Joanna: What are you doing?

Chandler: I’m getting dressed.

Joanna: Why?

Chandler: When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me.

Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something.

Chandler: What is it?

Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me. (She’s holding a pair of handcuffs) Put your hands together.

Chandler: Ah-ha, you’re not the boss of me. (She kisses him) Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs him to the chair) Ooh, saucy.

Joanna: (kisses him) I’ll be back in ten minutes. (Starts to leave)

Chandler: You are, you’re gonna leave me like this?

Joanna: Knowing you’re here, waiting for me I think it’s kinda exciting.

Chandler: Okay. But if you don’t come back soon, (She leaves and closes the door) there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it!

[Cut to Joanna’s outer office, where Rachel and Sophie work. They are both coming back from lunch.]

Joanna: (locking her door) Oh.

Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!

Joanna: Oh great! I’ll keep it in my butt with your nose. (She grabs the cookie and walks out.)

Rachel: That’s weird, she locked the door.

Sophie: Y’know why? She’s got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning.

Rachel: Okay, swear you won’t tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joanna’s office. Do you wanna see the list?

Sophie: Yeah!

(Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.)

Chandler: Hi! (to Sophie) How are you?

(Rachel and Sophie both back out and close the door without saying anything.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Joanna’s office, Chandler, still handcuffed to the chair, is looking through the lingerie catalogue by turning the pages with his teeth. The phone rings and Chandler answers it with his nose.]

Chandler: Hello, Joanna…(Realises he doesn’t know her last name)…’s office.

Joanna: (on speaker phone) I’m really sorry but I may be a little while longer.

Chandler: How little?!

Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful.

Chandler: Look, this isn’t funny! You get back here right now!

Joanna: I can’t!!

Chandler: Why not?!

Joanna: I’m in my boss’s car!

Chandler: What?!

Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel. (The phone gets cut off)

(Chandler gets an idea)

[Cut to Rachel’s office as her intercom buzzes.]

Rachel: (answering it) (angrily) What?!

Chandler: (in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you for a moment?

(Rachel goes into talk to Chandler.)

Chandler: Okay, here’s the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.

Rachel: You promised you would break up with her!

Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!

Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?!

Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out.

Rachel: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them.

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can’t get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I’m cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joanna’s desk.)

Rachel: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! (Grabs the key) You never see Joanna again!

Chandler: Never!

Rachel: You never come into this office again!

Chandler: Fine!

Rachel: You give me back my Walkman!

Chandler: I—never borrowed your Walkman.

Rachel: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one!

Chandler: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! (Rachel goes over and unlocks the handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist)

Rachel: Does it hurt?

Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants!

Rachel: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna?

Chandler: About what?

Rachel: When she sees that you’re gone, she’s gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I’m gonna get fired!

Chandler: I’ll make something up! I’m good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman!

Rachel: No, there’s nothing to make up, she’s gonna know that I have a key to her office, I’ve got to get you locked up back the way you were! (She tries to drag him over to the chair, but Chandler stops her.)

Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, I don’t think so!

(He starts to put his pants on, but Rachel manages to drag him to the chair. When they get to the chair, Chandler drops his pants and knocks the chair away. Rachel then backs him up and locks him to the top drawer of a filing cabinet.)

Chandler: Well, this is much better.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, The salesman is trying to sell Joey the encyclopedias.]

The Salesman: So, here’s somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh?

Joey: He cut off his ear.

The Salesman: And?

Joey: I’m out.

The Salesman: He painted that. (Points to one of his paintings in the book)

Joey: Wow! That’s pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear ‘cause he sucked. What else you got in there?

The Salesman: Let’s see, ahhh… Where does the Pope live?

Joey: In the woods. No wait-wait, that’s the joke answer.

The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?

Joey: Spock’s birth control.

The Salesman: (laughs) You need these books.

[Scene: Monica’s childhood bedroom (which has been turned into a gym), Monica is lying on the treadmill as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: This used to be your room? (She nods ‘Yes’) Wow! You must’ve been in really good shape as a kid.

Monica: Ohh, I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I actually thought she could change.

Phoebe: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica.

Monica: Oh good, I’m glad that’s catching on.

Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and we’ll call that pulling a Monica.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight A’s, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that one’s outta here." Though some things don’t change.

Monica: (getting up) All right, I’ll go down there. But, I’m not gonna serve the lasagna. I’m gonna serve something I make.

(She exits and Phoebe goes over and sits down at the machine that works your shoulders and tries to do one, which she does, easily.)

Phoebe: Wow! My breasts are really strong. (She goes and joins Monica.)

[Scene: Joanna’s office, Rachel and Chandler are having a little tug-of-war with his pants.]

Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she’s very private about her office. Now I know why.

Chandler: Hey, look, you’re in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she’s gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.

Rachel: What if I clean your bathroom for a month?

Chandler: It still wouldn’t be clean. (Rachel makes an ‘Eww, disgusting!’ face) All I want is my freedom.

Rachel: Foot rubs for a month!

Chandler: Freedom!

Rachel: I’ll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums!

Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won’t you here me?! (Opens the door) Sophie, help me! Help me!! (Sophie stands up)

Rachel: Sophie sit!!

(She closes the door and puts his tie into his mouth as a gag.)

Rachel: No! God, would you just calm down!

(Chandler screams a little bit, then realises that he can spit out his gag. He does so with a ‘Pouff!’)

Chandler: I’m gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just… (He moves his arm which opens the drawer and hits in the back of the head, which proves his point.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is now reading the ‘V’ book, with the salesman watching.]

Joey: Wow! There’s a lot I didn’t know about vomit. (The duck comes to the door of the bathroom, quacking.) (To the duck) In a minute. (The duck goes back into the bathroom.)

The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book!

Joey: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I’m home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there’s a few things you don’t get from book learnin’.

The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing?

Joey: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?

The Salesman: You don’t have, anything?

Joey: You wanna see what I got? (He gets up to empty out his pockets) Okay? I’ve got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey!

The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time. (Starts to leave)

Joey: And a 50. (The salesman stops suddenly) Huh, these must be Chandler’s pants.

The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C?

Joey: Oh, I-I think I’m gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out.

[Scene: Joanna’s office, Rachel and Chandler are still negotiating.]

Rachel: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.

Chandler: No!

Rachel: I ah… Oh! I’ll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning!

Chandler: With extra pulp?

Rachel: (happily) Yeah!!

Chandler: No!

Rachel: D’oh!! (pause) I’ve got it!

Chandler: You don’t have it.

Rachel: I have so got it. There’s gonna be rumours about this, there’s no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.

Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?

Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous (Holds her hands far apart) or very (In a high pitched voice) stingy.

Chandler: (intrigued) Go on.

Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation’s Milton Berle.

Chandler: And Milton Berle has a…

Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. (Chandler nods in agreement)

[Scene: The Geller’s kitchen, Phoebe is bringing in some dirty dishes.]

Monica: Well?

Phoebe: They’re not even touching the lasagna!

Monica: Really?!

Phoebe: Oh, they love your casserole.

Monica: Yes!!

Phoebe: It’s hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients.

Mrs. Geller: (entering) Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish.

Monica: And you?

Mrs. Geller: I thought it was… quite tasty.

Monica: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make you…

Mrs. Geller: (interrupting) A bitch?

Monica: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word.

Mrs. Geller: Yes, well I was wrong, and I have to say you really impressed me today.

Monica: Wow!

Phoebe: Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. (They both look at her) (to Monica) She doesn’t know we switched it. (Monica nods her head ‘No.’)

Mrs. Geller: And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer. (She starts to bite her nails)

Monica: That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom, don’t bite your nails.

[Scene: Central Perk, all except Chandler, are there.]

Chandler: (hello) Hello.

Joey, Rachel, and Ross: Hey!

Monica: (in a sexy voice) Hello, Chandler. (Phoebe has a huge smile on her face.)

Chandler: (to Rachel) I love you. (Kisses her on the forehead)

Joey: Wh-what’s going on?

Phoebe: Oh.

(She motions for them to come closer, they lean in and she whispers what Rachel told her. The guys both lean back laughing.]

Joey: No he doesn’t!

Chandler: (checks his watch) Two hours, that lasted!

Rachel: So did you break up with Joanna?

Chandler: I think so.

Joey: Well, it’s good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius.

Ross: The volcano?

Joey: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation.

Rachel: What?!

Joey: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant.

Monica: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden?

Joey: Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War?

Monica: Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War? (Joey is pissed)

All: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Phoebe: Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful country.

Ross: With such a sad history.

Chandler: Could there be more Kims?

(They all laugh and Joey joins them, not to be left out. When the laughing dies down, he has a depressed look on his face.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Rachel is coming in for the day.]

Joanna: (from her office) Who’s out there?

Rachel: It’s me! Good morning!

Joanna: Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please?

Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didn’t have poppy seed bagels, so I… (Enters Joanna’s office and sees her handcuffed to her chair wearing nothing but a slip) Oh my word!

Joanna: I seem to have had a slight office mishap. Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me.

Rachel: Oh, yeah! Yeah!

(She goes back and forth, not sure what to do first, put the bagel down or grab the key. She finally puts the bagel down and grabs the key and goes over to unlock Joanna.)

Joanna: You tell your friend Chandler that we’re definately broken up this time.

Rachel: Okay.

END

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