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老友记第四季The One With The Dirty Girl

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那么,谢谢你这顿美味的晚餐 不客气 嘿,你们看什么呢? 罗斯和世界上最漂亮的姑娘 对,到爸爸这儿来 我知道! 也许只有一次,不过我会一直这么说但是你注意她的屁股了么? 你从哪儿,你什么时候,你怎么... 你怎么把这样的姑娘搞到手的? 对,她是不是,比如车展模特,或者健身教练什么的? 实际上她是古生物学博士,中古时期专业 好的,这听起来象...最简单的领域 我和她在工作上认识,但我一直考虑...嗯哼? 我请了她晚饭,我们在一起很愉快. 我们约好明天一起出去 也许只是她和她的朋友比赛谁能带回来最滑稽的小丑 再好不过了.希望她会赢. 嗨,你们有包装纸么? 是为了我的生日礼物么? 菲比,你的生日好象在一个月以前 好的,但是你应该记得, 你答应过安排一些特别的, 但是现在还没有出现过 好的,我正在准备这个 好. 实际上,这是为凯茜的生日准备的. 这是她最喜欢的书的的早期版本 哦,《绒毛兔子》!我的天, 男孩的爱会把它变成真兔子! 好的,但不要碰它, 你手指上有油. 呵,好,那你最好拿它离罗斯的头发远点 这应该非常罕见.你怎么弄到的? 哦,不算什么大事.我只是去几家书店, 问几个书商... 打电话给作者的孙子. 哦,亲爱的,这真是甜蜜. 对,一个伟大的方法去表明, "我暗恋你,室友的女朋友!" 这不代表这个意思,对么? 你会怎么看?看起来你送她的礼物难以置信,意味深长 而且价值不菲, 而她的男朋友乔伊可能只送她一个橘子 好,我只是确认一下, 乔伊会送她更好的东西 会比这本书好...喔,就象弓! 对,我再次说声抱歉,谢谢.再见. 我刚回掉了一件工作, 给一个60人的葬礼提供饮食 天啊!出什么事了死那么多人? 来了60个客人. 那么,呃,为什么你推掉这件工作? 因为我没有钱,也没有设备在这么短的时间里准备这么多的东西. 我是说,这不可能. 喔,怎么全都否定了? 你听起来象是"莫妮卡什么都不行", 而不是那个"莫妮卡什么都行"... ...莫妮卡.你看, 你已经做承包宴会这样的工作大约3年了 你想成为宴会承包商么? 我不知道. 对,就是这样,精神起来! 好的,如果你现在需要钱, 我会借给你,不过你要立刻行动! 真的?因为全部食物,设备和原料需要大约500美元. 好!值得一做,如果干了这次, 你失业几个月了 是啊,你也没工作啊 是啊,但是我可以放债 啊,太好了,谢谢你. - 嗨! - 嗨. 我能借你公寓的钥匙么? 为什么? 你可以在这尿! 啊哈哈哈...哈哈..我可以, 当然,不好意思. 没问题,鸭子也经常用我们的洗手间 嗨乔!你为凯茜的生日准备了什么? 我们刚约会了几个星期, 你真认为我应该送她东西? 对! 是的,你应该送她东西, 送她非常好的东西. - 哦,我知道了... - 而且不是一小时"与乔伊做爱"的优待券 哦,猜字游戏!要我帮忙? 不!对不起,亲爱的, 上个星期我就只差3个答案了, 而且我非常想自己完成它. 好,但是你也不能帮我开发新的世界语. - 嗨! - 嗨, 怎么样了? 天啊,这一定是有史以来最好的葬礼! 所有人都喜欢这些食物,而且你猜怎么样? 我承包了明天的另一个葬礼-- 今天那个死鬼的最好朋友的. 我是说,这件事让我看上去象是职业葬礼承办商! 莫!我真为你高兴! 谢谢.看看我的新设备. 看这个!我是个煎蛋卷站! 煎蛋卷?按秩序来! 我也点一份,还有我的钱. 哦.好的,我觉得你不是立刻需要它. 我是说,你叫我当个宴会承包商. 所以我做了,我的意思是... 我...我把它们都花了,买了这些. 但是,你看,我已经找到了明天的工作, 那么我可以把明天挣到的钱还给你. - 哦.好的.哦,不好意思, 我表现的象个银行. - 没事. 哦... 哦,想不想进去? 直立人用木头工具狩猎么? 根据最新的发现! 过来米兹!过来米兹! 哦...米兹是..... 我的老鼠.希望她没事, 我有段时间没看到她了,坐. 哦...哦嘿,你,哦 你有没有肉桂吐丝? 什么? 好的,我有!为什么咱们不去我那儿, 点上几根蜡烛,打开一盒肉桂吐丝,嗯 我宁可不去. 哦,为什么不? 好的,你别太在意, 你房间里有一股怪味 哦,东西都装上车了? 对,你整理好帐单了? 没有.我恨这部分工作. 哦,看看我们差点还忘了什么. 不,这个不是我的. 哦,好吧.哦! 看看我们差点拿了什么! 对不起,巴卡特夫人, 我们已经把厨房打扫完了. 哦,好,谢谢你. 哦,有一件小事... - 亲爱的? - 一点小事...报酬? 一直是杰克管帐的! 你知道我们应该去干什么? 去看音乐剧. 当然... 你知道我们应该去看谁? 1996年托尼奖获得者 你知道那人叫什么名字么? 我不知道,呃,格雷斯? 不对.... 伦特? 对! 伦特! 好,那么你打算什么时候去? 什么?哦,对不起,我不能去,我很忙. 嘿.给女孩买礼物可真累啊 是的,没错,尤其是去马克斯商店. 你给她买了什么? 一支笔. 这是两件礼物.这是支笔, 也是个表!啊? 哈哈!你不能送她这个. 为什么? 因为她不是11岁! 而且这也不是光明节的第七夜! 好的,亲爱的,他的意思是这应该是件非常好的礼物, 应该是适合男朋友送她的. 这当然是!她工作的时候需要笔, 她写字的时候,把笔转过来... "哇!到了我和乔伊约会的时间了!" 好,好, 安杰拉.德尔维琪生日的时候你送的什么? 我们约会的那段时间没有她生日. 3年没有生日? 太晚了,而且我还要去参加选角, 我已经不能再逛商店了!我... 好,我出去给她买件礼物,如何? 多谢,兄弟.哦,既然你已经去了, 能不能顺便送她张卡? 你是否希望我最好再写首诗送她? 或者...只是买张上面有诗的卡? 但是,莫,你拿了我们的钱! 哦,菲比,她不停的哭! 从那些厚眼镜片里看, 她的泪珠特别的大. 我知道,这很难.你知道我母亲葬礼后我做的第一件事是什么? 什么? 付钱给承包宴会的人! 我在工作经常碰到这种事, 有些人不打算付钱 比如说,你知道,"按摩时间好像不够长" 或者, "我并不认可这些歌,"或者,你知道, "这些宽边帽不怎么大,小姑娘!!" 好的,那么你认为她是在装? 是的,看上去在你给她看帐单之前好像没什么眼泪. 菲比,她的声音真的让我难受. - 她现在看上去很好. - 那么,你真的离开了? 她的房间真的这么差? - 你知道,每天回家时把夹克扔到椅子上 - 嗯. 好的,就象这样,有件东西取代了椅子, 是一堆垃圾. 有件东西取代了夹克,也是一堆垃圾. 还有件东西取代了回家的时候, 是世界末日,幸存的只有垃圾! - 这 - 喔.谢谢.那么,哦,发生了什么? 你什么意思?什么也没发生! 我只有离开了. 好,那么...下次你带她去你那儿. 不,我试过了.她说我那儿有股怪味. 什么样的味? 我不知道.香皂? - 好,听着,罗斯... 你喜欢她,对么? - 对. - 你想再见到她,对么? - 对. 那你就得在垃圾堆里做! - 对,你是对的. - 对. - 我是说,呃,谁...谁在乎一点脏东西? - 对! 这,呃...这很可爱,真的. 好!现在你去找这头漂亮的猪! 哼哈! 好,好.我花了整个下午去给凯茜找一件比这本兔子更好的礼物. 好运? 哦,对,我找到了个"凯茜看不见的东西" 你能不能帮我一把? 好,这样,你为什么不退掉这本书, 让乔伊送她那支带表的笔? 然后你送一件更差的礼物.比如... 普通的笔. 她真的会喜欢这个,你知道? 重要的是把这个送给她, 即使她不知道是谁送的. 啊,亲爱的,你真好. 啊?你不认为这很可悲么? 哦!可悲! 嗨!我十分钟前遇见了凯茜! 我到处在找你! 哪儿? 咱们那儿, 客厅! 我... 我给她买了礼物. 是本书! 书? 是本书也是保险箱? 不,就是本书. 好吧.这是绒毛兔的最初版本, 这是她小时候最喜欢的书 那么,如果她喜欢,告诉我,OK? 好的.谢谢你,我欠你的. 哦,嘿!给你的20块钱有找头没有? 不,不只20块呢 哦.跟新书一样贵 Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those eyes? 你没弄到钱,对么? 也许我该在间断的时候去? 菲比,拜托,你知道...走吧! 不!嘿,她付钱之前我们决不离开! 我真不知道她把自己当谁了! 够了!够了! - 嘿, 寡妇? - Come on along and listen to... - 寡妇! - ...the lullabye of... 对不起. 对不起! 谢谢.显然这是你非常难过的时候. 呃,但是,我们提供了服务, 我们应该得到报酬因为你吃了这些服务. 而且,在你付清每一分钱之前我们绝不走. 你知道为什么吗,女士? 我们只是临时承包商, 而且我们没别的地方可以去 - 好的,我去拿我的包. - 好. 我留下几张名片. 下次丧事找我们. 那么你打算进来么? 是的,我想. 我一会回来,你尽量舒服点. 猜猜是谁? 卫生部? - 是我! - 喔! - 啊. - 哇! 怎么? - 啊, 谢丽! - 哦, 罗斯! 等等!不!住手!是我的老鼠!是米兹! 天啊,对不起,谢丽. 我一定是吓坏了. 哦,谢天谢地,不是米兹. 只是只一般的老鼠 我做到了!哦!我完成了! 我自己把它都做出来了! 可是却没有人和我拥抱! 躲开! - 嘿! - 嘿, 你们, 我自己完成了猜字游戏! 拥抱我! - 呃...呀! - 谢谢! - 哦,太棒了!祝贺! - 谢谢你!宴会怎么样? 哦,太棒了!寡妇不肯付钱, 于是菲比对她大吼直到她付钱为止. 对.我是强硬派. 我是软弱派,我需要搭档. 对.强硬加软弱..我们可以对抗犯罪! 等一下,菲比!我们可以成为搭档. 我们成为承包商搭档! 我是说,想想看!你现在没有工作, 我们可以长时间在一起! 好吧! 我做菜你管钱. 好,哦!就好象五十年代的人讨了个老婆! 啊! - 嗨! - 嗨, 怎么样? 她喜欢这个礼物么? 哦,兄弟,她爱死这个了! 她现在去给莫妮卡和瑞秋看呢. 哦? 这很好! 嗨,听着,我得说,把功劳都给我, 我感觉不太好,因为 我得到的好处可真会不少 啊哈哈哈哈.... - 嗨. - 嗨! - 嗨! 生日快乐. - 谢谢你! 你知道,呃...钱德也给你带了礼物. 不,他没有. 他有,看...看,就在桌子上!哈呵呵! 生日快乐! 对不起. 你真的不必. 喔. 看,你以为它是个笔, 其实它翻过来还是个表呢. 好,这非常好.谢谢你,钱德. 哦,是..是. 啊. 什么时候上床? 再等一下 别忘了你的优待券. 晚安. 嗯,谢谢你的礼物. 哦,是的...我知道你有些时候会写字. 你...你有时候不知道时间. 不,我...我不是说笔.谢谢你的书. 呃,书? 绒毛兔.我感到这事和你有关. 你什么意思? 是的,乔伊给我的时候,他说, "送你这个因为你喜欢兔子,也喜欢奶酪." 谢谢.我很喜欢.而且我知道这很不好找. 哦哇.顺便说一下,你忘了这个, 听起来象是"哦哇." 你一定很喜欢乔伊, 才为他惹了这么多麻烦. 哦,是,他是我...他是我最好的朋友. - 好.... - 晚安. 嘿,你知道么,优待券会过期的. 嗨.你不认识我, 我是莫妮卡.盖勒...罗斯的妹妹. 哦,对,你知道,实在太糟糕了,我们分手了。 对,他跟我说了你的公寓. 我听了之后想着它根本睡不着. 那么你能让我打扫一下么? 不吗?

The One With The Dirty Girl

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde (Cheryl) are standing outside. The rest of the gang is watching from inside.]

Cheryl: So, thank you for the delicious dinner.

Ross: You're welcome for a delicious dinner.

[inside]

Phoebe: Hey what are you guys looking at?

Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.

Phoebe: Yeah, come to papa.

[Cheryl walks away and Ross walks inside. Everyone stares at him in disbelief.]

Ross: I know!

Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?

Chandler: Where did you, when did you, how did you... (Joey hits the back of Chandler's head) How did you get a girl like that?

Rachel: Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what?

Ross: Actually she's a paleontology doctoral candidate, specializing in the centazoic era.

Chandler: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.

Ross: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.

Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.

Ross: Fine by me; hope she wins.

OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hi. You guys have any wrapping paper?

Phoebe: Oo! Is it for my birthday present?

Chandler: Phebes, it was your birthday, like, months ago.

Phoebe: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasn't come yet?

Chandler: Well, I have a call in about that.

Phoebe: 'Kay.

Chandler: Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her favorite book.

Rachel: Oh, The Velveteen Rabbit! Oh my God, when the boy's love makes the rabbit real!

Chandler: Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils.

Rachel: Huh. Well, then you'd better keep it away from Ross's hair. So this is pretty rare. How did you get that?

Chandler: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren.

Rachel: Oh, honey, that's so sweet.

Phoebe: Yeah, and what a great way to say, "I secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend!"

Chandler: It doesn't say that. Does it?

Ross: How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange?

Chandler: Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure that uh, Joey gets her something really great.

Phoebe: It's gotta be better than that book. Oo! Like a crossbow!

Monica: (Entering from her bedroom, talking on the phone) Yeah, once again, I am sorry. Thank you. Bye. (To the gang) I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for sixty people.

Rachel: Oh my God! What happened?

Monica: Sixty guests.

Ross: So, uh, why did you have to turn it down?

Monica: Because I don't have the money or the equipment to handle something that big on such short notice. I mean there's no way.

Phoebe: Wow, what is with all the negativity? You sound like Monican't , not Monican... (Monica looks almost puzzled) ...Monica. Look, you know, you have been playing around with this catering thing for over three years. Do you want to be a caterer or not?

Monica: I don't know.

Phoebe: There you go, that's the spirit! Okay! Now, if you need money, I will lend you money, but just get moving!

Monica: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff.

Phoebe: Okay! It's worth it, if it will get you moving. You haven't worked in months.

Monica: Well, you're not working either.

Phoebe: Yes, but I'm doing this.

Monica: Yeah, that'd be great! Thank you!

[Joey enters]

Joey: Hey!

Everyone: Hey.

Kathy: Can I borrow the keys to your apartment?

Joey: Why?

[Kathy whispers something in Joey's ear]

Joey: You can pee here!

Kathy: Ahahaha... haha.. yes I can, of course. Excuse me.

Chandler: It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday?

Joey: We've only been going out for a couple of weeks, do you think I gotta get her something?

Everyone: Yeah!

Rachel: Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice.

Joey: Oh, I know...

Rachel: And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love."

[cut to a new scene, also in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting, Phoebe is nearby.]

Phoebe: Ooo, a crossword! Can I help?

Rachel: No! I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week I got all but three answers and I really want to finish a whole one without any help.

Phoebe: Fine. But you can't help me develop my new universal language.

[Monica enters]

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, how'd it go?

Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrow--the dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident!

Phoebe: Mon! I'm so happy for you!

Monica: Thanks. Like, check out my new catering stuff. (Picks up two frying pans) Look at this! I'm an omelet station! Omelet? Made to order!

Phoebe: I'll have one, please. Plus my money.

Monica: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this stuff. But look--I've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I make from that.

Phoebe: Oh. Okay. Oo, sorry I acted like a bank.

Monica: Okay.

[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Ross and Cheryl are kissing]

Ross: (moved by the kiss) Huh...

Cheryl: Um, would you like to come in?

Ross: Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools?

Cheryl: According to recent findings!

[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]

Cheryl: (throwing food around the room) Here Mitzi! Here Mitzi!

Ross: Mitzi is.....

Cheryl: My hamster. I hope she's okay, I haven't seen her in a while. Have a seat.

Ross: (mouths "where?") Uh... Oh hey, do you, uh (steps on some garbage and falters) ...do you have any, um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties?

Cheryl: What?

Ross: Well, I do! Why don't we go back to my place, light a couple of candles, break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties, uh...

Cheryl: I'd rather not.

Ross: Oh, yeah, why not?

Cheryl: Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird smell.

[Scene: A kitchen where Phoebe and Monica are finishing up a catering job]

Monica: Oh, is everything in the car?

Phoebe: Yes. Did you settle the bill?

Monica: No. I hate this part.

Phoebe: Oh, look what we almost left. (Picks up a coffee maker)

Monica: No, that's not mine.

Phoebe: Oh, all right. Oh! Look what we almost took!

[cut to the living room of the same dwelling, where the funeral guests are mingling. Monica enters.]

Monica: Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart? Well, we're all cleaned up in the kitchen.

Mrs. Burkart: Oh, good. Thank you.

Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of...

Mrs. Burkart: Dear?

Monica: Just the matter of ...payment?

Mrs. Burkart: (in grief) Jack used to handle the finances! (Breaks into tears)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the couch still doing the crossword. Chandler is in the kitchen.]

Rachel: You know what we should all do? Go see a musical.

Chandler: (confused) Sure...

Rachel: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one?

Chandler: I don't know... um, Grease?

Rachel: No....

Chandler: Rent?

Rachel: Yes! Rent!

Chandler: Okay, so when do you want to go?

Rachel: What? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy.

Joey: (entering the apartment) Hey. Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.

Chandler: Yes, it is, at Office Max.

Rachel: What did you get her? (Joey opens up a rectangular black box and holds up a pen.)

Chandler: A pen.

Joey: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock! Huh?

Chandler: Huh-huh! You can't give her that.

Joey: Why not?

Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!

Rachel: Okay, honey, what he means by that, is ...while this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives?

Joey: Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over.... "Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!"

Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?

Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.

Chandler: For three years?

Joey: (whining and heading toward the door) Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't shop anymore! I...

Chandler: All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay?

Joey: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card?

Chandler: Would you like me to write her a little poem as well?

Joey: Or... just get a card that has a poem already in it.

[Scene: Back in the kitchen at the funeral. Phoebe is there, Monica enters.]

Phoebe: But Mon, you have to get our money!

Monica: Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying! With those thick glasses, her tears looked giant.

Phoebe: I know, it's tough. You know what the first thing I did after my mother's funeral was?

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"

Monica: Okay. So what do you.... you think she's faking?

Phoebe: Well, it seems like there weren't any tears 'til you showed her the bill.

Monica: Phoebe, she sounded pretty upset to me.

[cut to the living room where Mrs. Burkart is now performing.]

Mrs. Burkart: (singing) You're a grand ol' flag, you're a high-flying flag, and forever in peace may you wave....

Phoebe: She seems fine now.

Mrs. Burkart: (singing) ...emblem of the land I love. The home of....

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are standing and talking, Ross is tying a tie.]

Joey: So, you just left? Her place was really that bad?

Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! (Ross takes the loosely tied tie off and hands it to Joey who puts it on.) Here.

Joey: Wow. Thanks. So, uh, what happened?

Ross: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there.

Joey: All right, so... next time, you take her to your place.

Ross: No, I tried that. She says it has a weird smell.

Joey: What kind of smell?

Ross: I don't know. Soap?

Joey: All right, listen, Ross... you like this girl, right?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: You wanna see her again, right?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: So you're gonna have to do it in the mess!

Ross: Yeah, okay you're right.

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: I mean, uh, who... who cares about a little sloppiness?

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: It's, uh... it's endearing, really.

Joey: All right! Now you go get that beautiful pig! (Ross hesitates, looks unsure) Oink!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel, Rachel is there, Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit.

Rachel: Any luck?

Chandler: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called "Invisible things for Kathy." (Motions to an imaginary pile of presents next to him.) Can you give me a hand with all this stuff?

Rachel: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen.

Chandler: She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her.

Rachel: Aw, honey, that's so sweet.

Chandler: Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic?

Rachel: Oh! Pathetic! (Grabs the crossword puzzle and starts writing.)

Joey: (entering) Hey! I'm meeting Kathy in ten minutes! I've been looking all over for you!

Chandler: Where?

Joey: Our place, the hall! I...

Chandler: I got something for her. (Joey picks up the package, shakes it next to his ear, can't hear anything, switches ears, shakes it again.) It's a book!

Joey: (Unimpressed) A book? (Suddenly interested) Is it like a book that's also a safe?

Chandler: No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay?

Joey: You got it. Thanks man. Thanks for doing this, I owe you one. (Joey leaves, comes back in.) Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there?

Chandler: No, it came out to an even twenty.

Joey: Wow. That's almost as much as a new book.

[Scene: In the living room at the funeral]

Mrs. Burkart: (singing) Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those eyes?

[cut to Monica and Phoebe in the kitchen]

Phoebe: You didn't get the money, did you?

Monica: Maybe I can try at intermission? Phoebe, come on... you know what? Let's just go!

Phoebe: No! Hey, we're not leaving until we get paid! I don't know who she thinks she is! Enough is enough! (Phoebe goes into the living room.) Hey, widow?

Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) Come on along and listen to...

Phoebe: Okay, Widow!

Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) ...the lullabye of...

Phoebe: Excuse me. Excuse me! (Mrs. Bukart stops singing) Thanks. Um, clearly this is a very, very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here until we're paid every penny. 'Cause you know what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have no place else to go.

Mrs. Burkart: All right. I'll get my bag.

Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with everyone staring at her.)

Monica: I'm gonna leave some cards here. Please think of us for you next event.

[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment.]

Cheryl: So you want to come inside?

Ross: (mustering up courage) Yes. Yes I do. (They go inside.)

Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit sits on the couch. Something falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.)

Cheryl: (sneaking up behind Ross) Guess who?

Ross: Department of Sanitation?

Cheryl: It's me!

Ross: Oh! (She kisses him) Ah. (They kiss more, and move down onto the couch. Ross's hand moves under some garbage) Aw! (His hand is covered with something brown and gooey.)

Cheryl: What?

Ross: (trying to make his disgust into lust) Ah, Cheryl!

Cheryl: Oh, Ross!

[They sit up, moaning in excitement, and Cheryl straddles Ross. Ross finds a slice of bologna and moans higher and louder, then a bag of potato chips on the coffee table starts to move. Ross throws Cheryl off his lap, grabs a tennis racket and a toilet brush and starts pounding the bag.]

Cheryl: Wait! No! No! It's my hamster! It's Mitzi!

Ross: Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I must have freaked out.

Cheryl: (looking in the bag) Oh, thank god, it's not Mitzi. It's just a rat.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch alone. Gunther is there, going into the back room.]

Rachel: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug!

[From the background we hear a crash and Gunther comes running out of the back room, pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.]

Gunther: Move!

[Gunther slips and falls just before reaching the back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe come into Central Perk.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey, you guys, I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me!

[Gunther gets up slowly from behind the couch and walks away sadly]

Phoebe: Uh... yay!

Rachel: Thanks!

Monica: Oh, that's great! Congratulations!

Rachel: Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go?

Monica: Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she did.

Phoebe: Yeah. I'm a hard ass.

Monica: And I'm a wuss. And we should be partners.

Phoebe: Yeah. Hard Ass and Wuss. We could fight crime!

Monica: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be partners. We should be catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such a great time together!

Phoebe: Okay!

Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the money.

Phoebe: Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in the fifties!

Both: (screaming with excitement) Aah!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is there, Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the gift?

Joey: Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now.

Chandler: Oh yeah? That's great!

Joey: Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya, I feel kinda bad taking credit for this, because man, am I gonna get a lot of credit for this!

Chandler: [nodding, with mixed feelings] Aahhuuhhh....

[Kathy enters]

Kathy: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Happy birthday.

Kathy: Thank you!

Joey: You know, uh... [Joey moves the pen case out onto the counter.] Chandler got you a gift, too.

Chandler: No he didn't. [Moving it back.]

Joey: Yeah, he did, look... look, it's right there on the counter! Ha-ho-ho!

Chandler: Happy birthday! I'm sorry.

Kathy: You really didn't have to. (Opens the box) Wow.

Chandler: See, you think it's just a pen, but then you turn it over and it's also a clock.

Kathy: Yeah. No, this is great. Thank you, Chandler. (They hug).

Chandler: Oh, yeah... yeah.

Joey: Ah. Hm. (To Kathy) Wanna go to bed?

Kathy: I'll be in in a minute.

Joey: Oh, uh... don't forget your coupon. (Tries to strike a sexy pose up against the doorway to his room. Then goes inside).

Chandler: [to Kathy] Goodnight.

Kathy: Um, thank you for the gift.

Chandler: Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time.

Kathy: No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book.

Chandler: Uh, the book?

Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. I kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it.

Chandler: What do you mean?

Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like Rabbits, and I know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I know how hard it must have been for you to find.

Chandler: (tongue-tied) Uhl..ell. By the way, in case you missed that, that sound was, "Uhl, ell."

Kathy: You must really like... Joey... to go to all that trouble for him.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, he's my... he's my best friend.

Kathy: Well....

Chandler: Goodnight. (Goes to his room.)

Joey: (opening bedroom door) Hey, that coupon expires, you know.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[ending credits scene: outside Cheryl's apartment, Monica knocks on Cheryl's door]

Monica: Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm Monica Geller... Ross's sister.

Cheryl: Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad that didn't work out.

Monica: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it?

[Cheryl shrugs, shuts the door, looking puzzled]

Monica: No?

[Monica looks around the hallway, pulls out a sponge and starts scrubbing the door frame.]

THE END

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