- 嘿! - 嘿! 很抱歉我迟到了,没错过什么吧? Joey放了15块奥立奥饼干到嘴里. 15块?你的个人记录呀! 你到哪去了? 噢，去赴个约会. 那女孩是我在去城郊的博物馆的火车上认识的 - 噢是么! 你怎么认识她的? - 噢, 哪个博物馆? 不用理我,回答他的问题吧. 好吧, 火车后厢就我们两个人我坐得靠近门一些 那么她如果要转车的话，就得从我边上过.她拿我没办法。 你就是因为和她神侃才这么迟的？ 不是，我赶紧回来了，因为她住在Poughkeepsie（纽约州东南部）.她看上去真的很不错, 但是...她只是似~乎~很不错,但是她住在2个半小时的路程之外 她都住在Poughkeepsie了怎么还会很棒? 我是说，到Albany（纽约州首府）就没笑话可讲了. 好了!我吃下去了! 嘿, 现在谁才傻? 嘿，看这个! 他们今晚要点亮这棵大圣诞树！ 呣，那是两周前的报纸 好啊，是谁忘记把旧报纸丢到垃圾箱啦？！ 我本来想带Kathy去看这个的,没想到竟然错过了. 嘿，你至少还有人可以和你一起“错过”机会 但我已经孤独整整一年了！接着我又要一个人过情人节、我的生日，然后又是“嗙－－” 在你反应过来之前，又是圣诞节了 噢，我想有人陪! 我要个真正的“男人”!! 哪怕不是正式的交往,而只是“逢场作戏”一次也好。 真的?!我还以为女孩子从来不想搞“一夜情”的呢！ 我告诉你,我很早以前就来过“一夜情”了！ 噢，这下我知道圣诞节可以给你什么了. 你知道么? 我公司里有许多很棒的小伙子，你要我帮你介绍么？ 好啊！等等，我已经单身好久了.你从前为什么没提过这事? 我有女朋友了，我很快乐. 所以，我不再需要把快乐建筑在他人的痛苦之上了 Ok!不要会计师.噢，也不要律师. 我不喜欢那些从事闷蛋工作的人. 噢，Ross的工作不闷蛋么?他是驯兽师么? 嘿! Monica，怎么了? 噢,那个餐馆的所有人都恨我. 噢. 本来我想我的人缘好起来了, 今天一整天人们都对我笑 我开始工作，然后发现他们在我的厨师帽上写了这个 也许他们想写：“安静，婊子” 嘿，亲爱的!怎么了? - 好了,我只是想礼貌的打个招呼! - 哇噢! 自从幼儿园后我就没被这么捉弄过了。他们还找来人监视我 噢! 他们想尽办法来赶我走 如果我对其它什么工作感兴趣的话，我会走.但是这是我一生都想从事的职业 哦等一下，你才是头儿!为什么你不吼他们，或者解雇他们？ 我是想这么来着，可是我做不到! 我总是在对峙中败下阵来. 嘿，你知道你该怎么办么?我记得我曾读过一个导演的书－－ 好像是Orson Wells(“公民凯恩”的导演)－－他会在电影开拍的时候雇一个人，然后在大伙面前解雇他 那样那些人就明白了，谁才是头儿. 嘿，Monica!我正好没事做，要不你开除我? 好主意!但，你知道怎么当侍应生么? 只要会被解雇不就行了？！ 好的，我雇你了! 嘿!这就是我上个礼拜被炒的原因了! Orson Wells是不是也掌管 Burger King（著名汉堡包连锁店）的生意? 是的. 我说..Drew！你现在有没有人约会? 哦－呃,我不是想约你, 我...我...我不是同性恋,我不是想跟你约会.我不是.不是同性恋! 我从未以为你是同性恋.但现在就拿不准了. 你看，我的朋友－Rachel,她想我帮她介绍个男孩子. 啊，我刚和一个女孩子分手，我现在不想跟谁交往 你知道么,哪怕是“逢场作戏”都行,Rachel也说没问题. 喔－啊－! 是不是那个“火辣Rachel”,你曾带到圣诞晚会上的那个? 噢，顺便说一下，那是她的“全名” 噢，喔!我有空! 哦，等一下!我又没说我没空! 嘿, Chandler,为什么我们不在明天“游骑兵”队的比赛上谈谈这个事呢？ 打住！我刚得到一盒古巴雪茄,也许我可以到你那去，跟你一起来一根, 5点怎么样? 这个么，我一般都不会留到那个点，但是--没问题！ 也许比赛前，我们可以去享受两瓶8年的Basel Hadens. 呃，虽然我不知道那是什么，但是－－我们去吧!! 嘿! 你们几个,我为所有人写了个节日歌.你们想听么? 好的! Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! (光明节快乐，Monica!圣诞节会下雪，Joey！) Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel! (Chandler和Ross新年快乐！ Rachel转陀螺！) - Pheebs, 太棒了! - 噢，没错! 但是..., “Rachel”跟“陀螺”不压韵呀. 我知道，但是实在没办法!你的垃圾名字实在很难找压韵的词! 不会呀?“Rachel”可以跟好多词压韵啊. 象：“Bagel. Mail. Jail. Bail. Able. May-pole.” (百吉饼、邮件、监狱、能够、五月柱) 都不错，谢谢. 你有没有小名或者比较好压韵的称号什么的？ - 你老爸以前不是叫你Pumpkin（南瓜）来着? - 噢，对，没错! Pumpkin? 好吧.他干嘛不叫你Budolph什么的? Hello, 孩子们! 嘿! 我给你找了50个候选男子! 真的么?! 是的,我只不过是亮了一下你的靓照，结果他们全都蜂拥而至！ 他们又是请我喝酒，又是送我东西！ - 今晚看球赛去? - 好!座位在哪儿? 随你便! 我有大约20张票! 那么，他们中有没有适合我的? - 你知道的，我让你可以两脚踏好多条船，所以都没拒绝。 - Chandler! 他们甚至把401-k（养老基金）受益人都填成我啦！ 你和一大堆机器人(不要养老金)工作?! 你说的对. Ok,其中有个叫Patrick的小伙,我想你应该会喜欢他,他很棒，很风趣，而且还是个游泳健将！ 噢,游泳健将的身材可是一级棒！ 是的,而且他老爸就是发明信用卡背面的识别磁条的. 噢,我也很喜欢信用卡! 你看,这事我办得不错吧? 那他是干什么工作的? 他在精炼食品部门工作. 你公司还做精炼食品? 这可是家大公司,可不是么?如果你?我... 等等!你公司又做精炼食品又做机器人? 不是!不是,机器人是帮忙工作的. 好了，我得上班去了.谁有意见么? 是的，女士，我有意见，我很有意见！ 你有意见?那我就让你头疼不已! 噢，怎么?你要解雇我么? 你个蠢驴,我解雇你了! 谢谢. 噢，喔!我得走了，我今晚还有个约会. 是么？跟谁? 还记得我上次跟你提过的那个住在Poughkeepsie的女孩么? - 记得. - 不是她. 是我另外碰到的,而我无法在这两个女孩中取舍. 那个住在Poughkeepsie的女孩,虽然得坐两个小时火车才能看到她，但她漂亮、聪明，而且佷风趣 但是另外那个,她就住在城里的住宅区. 她也佷漂亮,可能聪明,但是一点也不风趣 既然她一点也不风趣，那你干嘛还跟她约会? 我想再给她一个机会，对吧?她住的这么近. 而且上次约会的最后,另一次,她曾说了些... 如果她是在开玩笑的话，那她就佷风趣. 但如果她不是开玩笑的话,她就不风趣，而且愚蠢，还有点种族主义了 - 嘿! - 嘿! - 嘿，伙计! 嘿!噢,你到餐馆工作的第一天怎么样啊? 糟糕! - 嘿. - 嘿. Oh, 你最喜欢的主厨服怎么了? 他们烘烤过. 我无法再忍受了.我今晚要开个会然后把你解雇，杀鸡给猴看。 对了，就这样。噢～～ 你在干什么?! 那里还有点火. 谢谢！我想够了! Chandler!! 你对男人非常有品味! 有其父必有其子 Patrick 和我昨晚玩的很开心!我想现在可以转入正式交往了. 是么?! 你好像不是想要跟谁交往的呀？我记得你只是想“放荡”一下而已。 噢，好像是这么回事. - 你没有把这个告诉他吧？ - 呣～～～，我已经说了 你告诉他我只是想搞“一夜情”?!你怎能告诉他这个啊！！ 为什么不能?! 如果我知道那个火辣的女孩想要“那个”，我会兴奋得直发抖！噢，我明白了 噢，我该怎么办？你告诉他我想“一夜情”，而我想跟他长期交往。他完全会错意了 嘿, Joey,能把芝士递过来么? 好的.我想你还是别叫我Joey的好.因为这没人认识我，所以我想试试取个酷点的工作昵称 嘿,“龙”!这是你周一和周二的小费. 这个信封里大概-－有近300块!! 是的，人们在节假日里总是佷慷慨的. 所以穿紧身裤也是值得的 OK.侍应生集合一下，我交代一下今晚的特价菜 这样, 首先是用芒果佐味的智利黑鲈 为什么没人用笔记一下? 因为我们能记住. 因为你们这样就能象以前一样，自己捏造假的特价菜，然后让我来弄么？ 哦，没错，也有因为这个原因. 好吧,先把特价菜放到一边.这事好办, 在过去的两周里，我努力试图营造一种友好的气氛... 我们听不到! 一种友好的气氛! 但是我现在对此不抱希望了. 从现在开始,要么按我说得去做,要么就滚蛋!有没有问题? 有没有人有意见的?!! 嘿，新来的!我说，有没有人对此有意见?! 没有 嘿!他有名字,他叫“龙” 知道你的名字么?看看你的帽子吧我们写在上面了，是吧? 这该死的到底怎么了?! 太对不起了.我本来打算按计划进行的!真的! 但当我这个手拿着327块，另一只手拿着238块站在那的时候 我想, "喔!我好久没拿过~~~（心算中...） 327 + 238块了!" Joey,我们有协议的.所以你才会在这!我得解雇你的! 可我要付房租!你看，不如这样? 你别解雇我,而是我留在这,取得他们的信任, 然后他们就会相信我讲你的好话。 哦，你跟他们说了我什么好话? 目前为止－－没有。他们还很恨你，而我正要融入他们中去。 光明节快乐, Chandler 和 Monica. 非常开心... Pheebs你知道么? 什么? 我不是犹太人，所以... 那又怎么了! Ross也没有用绒毛装饰他的圣诞树,他有没有跟你抱怨过? 天! 噩梦? 我根本没睡着. 哦是么？那么Phoebe唱什么来着? 关于小猫什么的.我得走了，赴另外一个约会. 那么，你选谁了? 没有, 现在反而城里的那个女孩开始讲笑话 但是我根本不懂她的笑话。一点也不好玩。我还是两头跑 你看,你根本不喜欢城里的那个女孩而且你也为跟住在Poughkeepsie的女孩约会而疲惫不堪 所以跟他们两个都分手.怎么样?你搭上去Poughkeepsie的火车跟那个女孩分手 然后回来的路上跟城里的那个姑娘也分手。然后你就可以回家了，搞定！ 对，你说的对.谢谢. 呣，我住在Prague（捷克首都）时也碰到同样的问题 Prague? 还有很多事你不知道呢！ Chandler! Patrick刚跟我分手了. 你后来有没有跟他说我想要的是一段正式的交往？ 我说了!当然说了! 你个白痴!! 我知道你说得对，但是...为什么? 你不该告诉他我想要正式的交往的!你不该告诉他的!你看，把他给吓跑了! 噢，伙计，我非常遗憾，我非常非常遗憾. 你应该为你的失言被下禁言令！ 是的，没错! 噢!我又回到了起点!啊，真烂!孤独一个人,烂! 呃，你知道，你总会遇上其它人的! 你是个好对象!你知道么，我跟那些男的谈起你的时候,我根本无需美化你。. -是么? -是呀!你是从Magma Ku Laude毕业的, 是吧? 不是. 噢，别管这个了. 嘿你看,我有两张今晚“游骑兵”队比赛的球票, 你想跟我一起去么? 穿短裤的小伙子? 好啊. 这是曲棍球比赛, 所以只有“愤怒无齿的加拿大人”（曲棍球队名） - 这也很有趣.谢谢你. - Ok 你以前有没有跟女人交往过? 什么?! Chandler,你到底怎么了?! 我就知道问这个问题的时机不对 下一站是Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie! Ross? Ross!醒醒! Ross! Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!! 我还要些旗鱼.你能帮我拿些旗鱼么? 我不说英语. 可你才说过! 我只是不知道跟你说什么而已! 好吧! 好了!够了!谁来开下门?!快点，我很冷! 现在又被泼了一身杂菜酱!快点让我出去! 你终于找到了把手，是么? - 这一点也不好笑. - 谁说不好笑. 我是个好人.而且我也是个好厨师, 我本不该被杂菜酱泼了全身的！！ 你知道么，如果你们想我辞职，你们只要... 嘿，Geller主厨!你还记得你那天的演讲么?我不同意! 你不同意? 当然!我只是根本没在听，就是这样。 如果你想提出不同的意见，那我就让你头疼不已！ 你想干什么? 解雇我么? 你这蠢蛋，我正要解雇你！滚出我的厨房 ，滚出去！ 好了!谁还有意见? 你呢，"偷笑先生"? 你现在还觉得可笑么? 不. 那么我一身杂菜酱来跳舞?呣?现在可笑么? 不，那很好. 这还差不多!你, 把这些色拉拿给4号台, 你! 去拿旗鱼! 还有你!去理个发，先! 终点站Montreal(加拿大境内). Montreal到站了. 什么？ 我跟自己打赌你的眼睛肯定佷漂亮，现在我看到了，我赢了 什么? 我们到站了.想一起喝杯咖啡么? 我们真的到了Montreal?! 是的。那么，你要不要一起去? 好啊！ 等等，你住在Montreal? 噢，不是. 但是离Nova Scotia有两个钟头的船程. 噢，我想刚才我对主厨Geller说话之前，应当想想我的妻子和孩子的 多谢了. 没事! 看来今年我们全家只能过个艰苦的圣诞节了 够了! 穷啊－穷啊－穷啊! "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap. (来到储藏室，坐在圣诞老人的腿上) Asked him to bring my friends all kind of crap. (告诉他给我的朋友们带去一些废话) Said all you need is to write them a song. (他说，你要把它们都写成歌儿) They haven't heard it, so don't try and sing along. (他们都还没听过的歌儿，但请别太晚唱) No, don't sing along. (不会太晚来唱) Monica, Moncia, have a happy Chanukah. (Monica, Moncia,光明节快乐！) Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross. (看见圣诞老人，他和Ross打招呼) And plese tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy! (请告诉Joey，圣诞节要下雪) And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!! (还有Rachel和Chandler，有呃...鼻膈炎！！) 大家节日快乐!
The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: I’m sorry I’m late, did I miss anything?
Phoebe: Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth. (Joey, with an obvious mouth full, nods yes.)
Ross: 15? (Joey nods again) Your personal best! (Ross takes an Oreo and Joey mumbles, no!)
Phoebe: Where were you?
Ross: Oh, on a date. Yeah, I met this girl on the train going to a museum upstate.
Chandler: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her?
Phoebe: Oh, which museum?
Phoebe: (just Phoebe) No, answer his.
Ross: Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the door, so she’d have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy.
Chandler: Were you so late because you were burring this woman?
Ross: No, I’m getting back down ‘cause she lives in Poughkeepsie. She seems really great, but she’s like totally great, but she lives two and a half hours away.
Chandler: How can she be great if she’s from Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they all look at him) That joke would’ve killed in Albany.
Joey: Done! I did it! Heh, who’s stupid now? (He smiles and has cookie remains all over his teeth.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Chandler: Hey, look at this! (Holding a newspaper) They’re lighting the big Christmas tree tonight.
Phoebe: Umm, that paper’s two weeks old.
Chandler: All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can’t believe I missed it.
Rachel: Hey, y’know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it’ll be Valentine’s Day, then my birthday, then bang!—before you know it, they’re lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! (hearing this, Gunther moves in) Y’know, I want a man!! (Gunther leaves depressed) I mean, it doesn’t even have to be a big relationship, y’know, just like a fling would be great.
Chandler: Really?! I didn’t think girls ever just wanted a fling.
Rachel: Well, believe me, it’s been a long time since I’ve been flung.
Joey: Well, I know what I’m giving you for Christmas.
Chandler: Y’know what? There’s some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?
Rachel: Yeah! Wait a minute, it’s been a long time that I’ve been single. How come you never offered this before?
Chandler: Well, I have a girlfriend, I’m-I’m happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy.
Rachel: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don’t like guys with boring jobs.
Chandler: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?
Phoebe: What’s wrong Mon?
Monica: Ohh, everybody at the restaurant still hates me.
Monica: I thought I was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, I get off work and I find out that they wrote this (puts on her chef hat) on my chef’s hat. (The hat says ‘Quit, bitch’)
Phoebe: Hey, maybe they meant to write, ‘Quiet, bitch.’
Rachel: Hey, honey! What’s the matter? (Monica shows her, her hat.) Fine, I was just trying to be nice! Whoa!
Monica: I mean I have not been picked on this much since kindergarten and they had to bring in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me. (Joey laughs and Monica glares at him.)
Monica: I mean they’re trying to do everything they can to make me quit, and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something I’ve been waiting for my whole life.
Rachel: Well, wait a minute, you’re the boss! Why don’t you just yell at them? Or, fire them?
Monica: I would love too, but I can’t! I mean I just can’t, you know that I’m not good at confrontation.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who’s boss.
Joey: Hey, Mon! I’m not doing anything, why don’t you fire me?
Monica: That’s a good idea! Wait, do you know how to waiter?
Joey: Good enough to get fired.
Monica: All right, you’re hired!
Joey: Hey! That must be why I got fired last week! Does this Orson Wells guy direct Burger King commercials?
Chandler: (he glares at him for a while) Yes.
[Scene: Chandler’s office, he is trying to find Rachel a date.]
Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, I’m not asking for me, I’m… I mean… No, I’m-I’m not gay, I’m not asking you out. I’m not-I’m not-I’m not gay!
Drew: I didn’t think you were gay. I do now.
Chandler: See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up.
Drew: Ahh, I just got out of a big relationship, I’m not looking for any thing serious.
Chandler: Oh, y’know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel.
Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party, Rachel?
Chandler: (to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name.
Mike: Oh wow! I’m free for her!
Drew: Oh, wait a second! I didn’t say I wasn’t free!
Mike: Hey, Chandler, why don’t we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow?
Drew: Hold on, y’know I just got a box of Cubans, maybe I bring them by your office around uh, five?
Chandler: Oh well, that’s uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure!
Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch Basel Hadens.
Chandler: Well, I don’t really know what that is, but let’s!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is working on a new song.]
Phoebe: Hey! You guys, I’m writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you want to hear it?
Monica, Rachel, and Joey: Yes!
Phoebe: (singing) Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel!
Rachel: Pheebs, that’s great!
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Rachel: But y’know umm, Rachel doesn’t rhyme with draddle.
Phoebe: I know but it’s so hard! Nothing rhymes with your stupid name!
Joey: What are you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel. Bagel. Mail. Jail. Bail. Able. May-pole.
Phoebe: All good, thanks. (to Rachel) Do you maybe have a nickname have like a nickname that’s easier to rhyme?
Monica: Didn’t your dad used to call you Pumpkin?
Rachel: Oh yeah!
Phoebe: Pumpkin? Yeah. But did he ever call you like, Budolph?
Chandler: (entering) Hello, children!
Chandler: (to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for you!
Chandler: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They’re buying me drinks! They’re giving me stuff! (to Joey) Knicks tonight?
Joey: Sure! Where are the seats?
Chandler: Wherever! I’ve got like 20!
Rachel: So, will I like any of these guys?
Chandler: Y’know what, I’m gonna uh, play the field just a little more.
Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401-K’s to me?
Phoebe: (shocked) You work with robots!!
Chandler: (pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, there’s this one guy, Patrick, I think you’re gonna like him, he’s really nice, he’s funny, he’s a swimmer.
Rachel: Ohh, I like swimmer’s bodies!
Chandler: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards.
Rachel: Op, I like credit cards!
Chandler: See, I’m not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?
Rachel: Well, so what does he do?
Chandler: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division.
Rachel: Your company has a fine foods division?
Chandler: It’s a big company, I don’t—if you—I…
Joey: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots?
Phoebe: No! No, the robots just work for them.
Monica: (getting up) All right, I’m gonna go to work. Does anybody have a problem with that?
Joey: Yeah, lady, I do! I got a problem with that!
Monica: You want a problem? I’ll give you a problem!
Joey: Oh, what are you gonna do? You’re gonna fire me?
Monica: You bet your ass, I’m gonna fire you! Thank you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are there.]
Ross: Oh, wow! I should get going. I-I got a date tonight.
Chandler: Oh yeah! With who?
Ross: You know that girl I told you about who lives up in Poughkeepsie?
Ross: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet, and I-I can’t decide between the two of them. Y’know the one from Poughkeepsie, even though she’s a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. Y’know she’s, well she’s-she’s just as pretty, I guess she’s smart, she’s not fun.
Phoebe: If she’s no fun, why do you want to date her at all?
Ross: Well, I-I want to give her another chance, y’know? She lives so close. And, at the end of the date, the other time, she-she said something that was—if she was kidding was very funny. On the other hand, if she wasn’t kidding, she’s not fun, she’s stupid, and kind of a racist.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey, man!
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant?
Joey: (checks his watch) Damn! (runs out to work)
[Scene: Allesandro’s, Monica is cooking.]
Joey: (entering from the dining room) Hey.
Joey: Hey, what happened to your fancy chef’s jacket? (sees there’s a burn spot on it)
Monica: They baked it. I can’t take this anymore. I’m gonna call a meeting tonight, I’m gonna fire you tonight.
Joey: You got it! Oh-oh! (He starts patting the burned spot, which just happens to be over her breast.)
Monica: What are you doing?!
Joey: It’s still a tiny bit on fire there.
Monica: Thanks. (Joey’s still patting the burn spot) I think you got it!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is there.]
Rachel: (entering) Chandler!! You have the best taste in men!
Chandler: Well, like father, like son.
Rachel: Patrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into something serious.
Chandler: Really?! I-I thought you weren’t looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.
Rachel: Well, y'know, possibly. (pause) You didn’t tell him that, though? Right?
Chandler: Ummmmmmmm, no.
Rachel: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don’t tell the guy that!
Chandler: Why not?! I’d be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get—oh I see.
Rachel: Oh, between you telling him that I wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the first date—oh, he’s so gonna get the wrong idea.
[Scene: Allesandro’s, Joey is eating some cheese.]
Monica: Hey, Joey, could you pass the cheese?
Joey: Yeah. Listen uh, I’d prefer it if you didn’t call me Joey. Since I don’t know anyone here, I thought it’d be cool to try out a cool work nickname.
A Waiter: (entering) Hey, dragon! Here’s your tips from Monday and Tuesday. (hands him two envelopes)
Joey: (opening an envelope) There’s like-there’s like 300 bucks in this one!
The Waiter: Yeah, people get pretty generous around the holidays. And it never hurts to wear tight trousers.
Monica: Okay. Could the waiters gather around to hear tonight’s specials? Okay, first there is a Chilean Sea Bass prepared with a Mango relish on a bag—Why is nobody writing these down?
The Waiter: Because we can remember them.
Monica: Because your all gonna make up fake specials and make me cook them like you did the other night?
The Waiter: Well, sure, that too.
Monica: Okay, forget the specials for a minute. Umm, all right here’s the thing, for the last two weeks I have umm, (quietly) tried really hard to create a positive atmosphere…
The Waiter: Can’t hear you!
Monica: (louder) A positive atmosphere! But I-I-I have had it up to here. (She holds her hand over her head as an afterthought.) From now on, it is gonna be my way, or the highway! All right? Does anybody have a problem with that?!! (Joey looks at the money he’s holding, and doesn’t speak up.) Hey new guy! I said, does anybody have a problem with that?!
Joey: No ma’am.
The Waiter: Hey! He has a name, it’s Dragon. Do you wanna know your name? Check your hat. (to another waiter) We did the hat right? (The other waiter nods yes.)
[Scene: Allesandro’s, continued from earlier. The other waiters are gone and Monica is confronting Joey about his not speaking up.]
Monica: What the hell happened?!
Joey: I am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it! Really! But I was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking, "Wow! It’s been a long time since I had… (tries to do the math in his head, but can’t) 327 + 238 dollars!"
Monica: Joey, we had a deal. That-that’s why you’re here! I’ve got to fire you!
Joey: And I gotta pay rent! Look, how-how about this? You don’t fire me, instead I stay here, I gain their trust, and they’ll start listening to all the nice things I’ve been saying about you.
Monica: What kinda things have you been saying?
Joey: Well nothing yet, they really hate you and I want to fit in.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is working on her holiday song, Chandler is sitting on the couch reading a magazine, and Ross is sleeping on the couch.]
Phoebe: (singing) Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry…
Chandler: (interrupting) Oh, y’know, y’know what Pheebs?
Chandler: I’m not Jewish, so…
Phoebe: So! Ross doesn’t really decorate his tree with floss, but you don’t hear him complaining do you? God! (Phoebe hits her guitar which wakes up Ross with a start.)
Chandler: Bad dream?
Ross: I wasn’t sleeping.
Chandler: Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe’s song about?
Ross: The one with the cat. I gotta go, I’ve got another date.
Phoebe: So, did you pick one yet?
Ross: No, it turns out that the one from uptown was making a joke. But it was a different joke than I thought—it wasn’t that funny. So I’m still torn.
Phoebe: Well look, you don’t really like the one from uptown and you’re too exhausted from dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you just end them both. Okay? You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your way back you break up with uptown. And then by the time you get home tonight, you’re done!
Ross: Y’know, you’re right. Thank you.
Phoebe: Umm, well I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague.
Phoebe: There’s sooo much you don’t know.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing living room golf as Rachel enters. Rachel sees this and holds the door open until Chandler is ready to start his swing, when he is, she slams the door shut which causes the club to fly from his hands. He turns around, shocked.]
Rachel: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship?
Chandler: I did! I absolutely did!
Rachel: You idiot!!
Chandler: I’m sure you’re right, but why?
Rachel: You don’t tell a guy that you’re looking for a serious relationship! You don’t tell the guy that! Now you scared him away!
Chandler: Oh, man. I’m sorry, I’m so-so sorry.
Rachel: Y’know, you should never be allowed to talk to people!
Chandler: I know! I know!
Rachel: Oh! See just I’m right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks! (She sits down heavily in one of the new chairs)
Chandler: Well, y’know, you’re-you’re gonna meet somebody! You’re a great catch! Y’know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn’t have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair)
Chandler: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right?
Chandler: Oh, it doesn’t matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey, y’know what, I’ve got two tickets to tonight’s Rangers game, you wanna come with me?
Rachel: Cute guys in little shorts? Sure.
Chandler: Well, actually it’s a hockey team, so it’s angry Canadians with no teeth.
Rachel: Well that sounds fun too. (They hug.)
Chandler: Have you ever been with a woman?
Rachel: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?!
Chandler: So there is no good time to ask that question.
[Scene: A train to Poughkeepsie, Ross is asleep against the window.]
The Conductor: The next station is Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie!
The Woman From Poughkeepsie: (outside Ross’s window) Ross? Ross! (she knocks on the window) Wake up! Ross! (the train starts moving) Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!!
[Scene: Allesandro’s, Monica is cooking.]
Monica: I need more swordfish. (to one of the assistant chefs) Can you get me some more swordfish?
Kitchen Worker: I don’t speak English.
Monica: You did a minute ago!
Kitchen Worker: Well, I don’t know what to tell ya!
(She goes into the freezer to get it herself, and leaves the door open. The waiter from earlier comes by and closes the door.)
Monica: Okay! Very funny! Somebody let me out please?! Come on, I’m cold! (She spills something.) And covered in marinara sauce! Come on! Let me out! (the door opens)
The Waiter: You found that handle, did ya?
Monica: That’s not funny.
The Waiter: Well that’s not true.
Monica: (starting to cry) I’m a good person. And I’m a good chef, and I don’t deserve to have marinara sauce all over me! Y’know what, if you want me to quit this bad, then all you have to do is…
Joey: (interrupting) Hey! Chef Geller! Y’know that little speech you made the other day? Well I got a problem with it!
Monica: You do?
Joey: You bet I do! I just ah, wasn’t listening then, that’s all.
Monica: Well if you want a problem? I’ll give you a problem!
Joey: What are you gonna do? You’re gonna fire me?
Monica: You bet your ass I’m gonna fire you! Get out of my kitchen! Get out!! (Joey leaves) All right! Anybody else got a problem? How ‘bout you Chuckles? You think this is funny now?
The Waiter: No.
Monica: How about if I dance around all covered in sauce? Huh? You think it’s funny now?
The Waiter: No, it’s really good.
Monica: Good! Now, take those salads to table 4, (to the kitchen worker from earlier) And you! Get the swordfish! (to another assistant chef) And you! Get a haircut!
[Scene: The train, it’s pulling into a station.]
The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal.
Ross: (waking up) What? (notices that there is now a beautiful woman sitting next to him)
Woman On Train: I made a bet with myself that you have beautiful eyes. Now that I see them, I win.
Woman On Train: We’re at my stop. But would you like to have coffee?
Ross: (now fully awake) Are we really in Montreal?!
Woman On Train: Yes we are. So, coffee?
Ross: Coffee sounds great. (They get up) Wait, so, so you live in Montreal?
Woman On Train: Oh, no. But it’s just a two hour ferry ride to Nova Scotia.
[Scene: Allesandro’s, Joey is coming back in with his coat on.]
Joey: Well I guess I should’ve thought about my wife and kids before I talked back to chef Geller!
Joey: Yep! Looks like it’s gonna be a leeeeean Christmas at the Dragon house this year.
Joey: (leaving) Lean-lean-lean!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]
Phoebe: (singing) "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.
Asked him to bring my friends all kind of crap.
Said all you need is to write them a song.
They haven't heard it, so don't try and sing along.
No, don't sing along.
Monica, Moncia, have a happy Chanukah.
Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross.
And plese tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!
And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"
Happy holidays, everybody!