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老友记第四季The One With Phoebe Uterus

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啊,天呀。 真不敢相信,弟弟你已经结婚了。 是呀。 你们俩为什么不告诉我你们准备结婚? 因为我们之前也没有想过结婚这事, 那天我们去法院, 我们正在吃午饭... 等等,你们去法院做什么呀? 我们去吃午饭呀. 然后,我们突然之间意识到, "嘿! 我们正在法院吃饭,吃完饭我们去登记结婚吧!" 哇, 一年半以前我甚至都不知道自己有个弟弟,现在我还有弟媳了。 好,啊. 快停下来,别亲了。 既然你们结婚了, 我得送给你们一份礼物.你们需要什么吗? 嗯...有。 我们俩一直努力想要个孩子嗯,几乎从我们订婚那天就开始了。 我们非常着急, 你也知道,我们都不年轻了。 但情况是,嗯,她不能怀孕。 我们什么方法都试过了, 也去看了不少医生。 医生说了,我们有孩子的唯一的机会就是把我的精子, 她的卵子放在一个器皿里,然后再移入另外一个女生。 因此我们在想,你可不可以成为那个女生。 那真是一个美好的礼物. 我刚刚还以为是要放到酱油壶里呢. 嘿! 嘿! 快来看看,快来看看! 猜我找到什么工作了. 我不知道呀, 但是Donald Trump(赌场大亨)想让他的蓝色运动夹克变黑所以借你穿脏点. 什么? 我是说要回,他想要回他的夹克. 但是你刚刚说的是变黑. 他为什么想把他的蓝色夹克变黑呢? 嘿,你知道我是什么意思. 不是,你弄混了. 你好笨. Joe,你找到的工作到底是什么呀? 哦, 博物馆里的解说员.是Ross帮我找的活. 啊?你怎么能成为解说员呢?要成为解说员,不得是恐龙或者是历史专家吗? 不,其实不用.他们给我全部资料,嗯, 就像背剧本一样. "在您的左边,您看到的是暴龙, 一种来自侏罗纪的肉食动物". 嘿!不错嘛! 嗯,joey, 暴龙实际上是来自白垩纪. 对,但是我可以发表我的看法. - 嗨!! - 嗨! 你们猜怎么了. Frank Jr.和Alice结婚了! 啊天呀!! 还有!还有,他们将要生小孩啦! 还有,还有他们想要用我的子宫来为他们怀胎. 啊,天呀! 你没开玩笑吧? 没。 你真的在考虑和你弟弟做爱?! 你好恶心!当然不是!他们只是想让我成为怀胎代理人. 是她的卵子和他的精子,啊,我只是烤炉.面包完全是他们的. 哈. 你怎么答复他们的? 他们说先让我考虑考虑,但是这有什么可考虑的呢? 我将把我所能给的最好的礼物送给他们. 你将要帮他们怀孩子,还给他们一台索尼PS? 亲爱的 为他们这么做,的确实是一件惊人的喜事.但是有些事你得再想想. 是呀, 你将要怀孕,是怀孕呀!! 我知道! Pheebs,你的身体将接受一段可怕的经历, 我是说,如晨吐,嗯,分娩,但你做这一切都是为了别人! 你的要点是什么? 嗯, 我刚刚说过的那些东西. Wow! 不知道我这辈子会不会那么做? 我一直在想,如果我第一次怀孕, 一定是为一个我爱的人,而且我得照顾那个孩子. 我当初想做家具时,你们可是很支持我的噢. 不是,Pheebs,听着,如果你决定下来要做这事,我们当然会全力支持你的. - 是呀. - 我们只是想让你全面的想一想. 对, 亲爱的, 也许你可以和生过孩子的人聊聊.例如你的妈妈? 我妈妈从来没生过孩子. 哦!但是我生母生过. Umm, 我爱死你的屁股了,我可以把她带到单位吗? - 哦, 当然可以,反正也不是我的.它跟裤子是一起的. - 哦! 我太嫉妒你了. 你们俩正在那个阶段,对吧? 哪个阶段? 热恋期,一天到晚的甜言蜜语,不眠不休的性生活. 还有... 是, 我必须得不停的说. - 那性生活呢? -好,我们还没有做过呢. 对, 那又能怎么样? 你知道,这次恋爱对我来说很特殊, 我想充分培养感情再更上层楼。 啊,Chandler,你那么做好体贴呀. 是很体贴... 撒谎! 不可能是你说的那个原因! 怎么啦? 只是因为你还不够成熟去理解像这样的事情?! 不, 他说得对, 我完全在撒谎. 那么原因是什么呢? Kathy的上一个男朋友是Joey. 所以你担心你不能"填充他的鞋子"? 不, 我是担心我做爱不如Joey好. - 对, 我刚刚在用暗喻. -对, 我刚刚在说实际的意思. 没什么大不了的,Joey是有很多女朋友,但那并不意味着他在床上也很厉害. 我们的房只隔着一面墙! 因此,要么他在床上极伟大,要么就是她喜欢和他"和谐一致". 亲爱的, 她和你将会不同的. 你们的性生活一定会非常好的,因为你俩都都深爱着对方呀. -真的吗? -当然! -Chandler,你大胆的向前. -对, 你应该那么做. -对,真的,去吧! -快去. 好,那好吧,,我这就去和我女朋友睡觉. 但是,我这么做,只是为了你们. 接下来这头乳齿象是来自侏罗纪中后期. 乳齿象不是来自上新世吗? 嘘嘘!这里是博物馆,不许讲话. 这里是一个大脚. 这里是我们的Ross Geller. 大家向Ross挥手说'嗨'.Ross是博物馆里最重要的科学家之一,快看看他,工作多努力. 好, 继续向前.快. 门开着呢,进来吧. -嗨!-嗨! 不好意思,我来晚了. 哦,没事, 我正好有时间给乳头上釉. 哇! 你等客人时,还真是竭尽全力. 没有, 我刚刚在做陶器. 哦!哦!我不知道你会做...罐子. 啊,是呀.大部分是裸体的. 它结合了我的两大嗜好,陶器和色情艺术. 哦!! 情色陶器! 嘿! 嗯,谢谢你来见我. 我只是- 我很高兴能以我的亲身经历和你聊聊生儿育女的事情 好吧. Phoebe,我真的认为你不应该那么做. 为什么呢? 嗯, 因为你将要把孩子送交给别人, 怎么和你说呢... 我不知道怎么说才能让你理解放弃孩子时的那份痛楚,因此, 喔,不!不-不!我理解那痛的感觉! 别,别伤害这个小狗. 不-不, 这个小狗是你的啦. 哈哈, 我有小狗了!! 嗯, 对! 是的,但只是3天. 为什么? 我知道我没有权利像母亲一样管你,但是,喂 Phoebe, 你能不能先听我说,而不是玩小狗, 这事非常重要. 好. 我是说,我知道自己以前做了什么,我抛弃了2个孩子, 而且我真的希望当时身边有个抛弃过孩子的人可以告诉我 抛弃孩子的感觉是多么的糟糕. 我只是在想,那么做的后果将会是遗恨终生. 因此,不管你要放弃这个狗有多么的难, 放弃一个孩子要比那难上一万倍. - 我真不应该先给你小狗..- 哦,不好意思. Uhh,你介意坐在别处吗.我给我朋友Ross留着这个座呢. 你是说博士Geller? 博士? Wow! 我不知道他还有一个绰号. 哦,他不会坐在这里. 穿白色衣服的都坐在那边, 同时,只有穿蓝制服的才坐在这里. 啊,为什么呀? 这里情况就这样. 太荒唐啦. 在完美的世界里,这或许是有些荒唐, 一个不分研究员和解说员的世界 但是你现在是在一个博物馆,不是完美社会. 看到那个带眼镜的科学家没, 他和我以前在小学时总是在一起玩,现如今却.... Peter! 嗨, Peter! 是我, Rhonda! PS-129的! 我和你分享我的布丁!我给你吃我的零食! 看, 他甚至假装没听到我说的话! 我想人人都在假装没听到你说话. 总之, 我不了解你,我才不管制服和餐桌的分别,Ross是我最好的朋友之一. 而且我要是为他留了座位,我告诉你,他肯定会坐在这里! Ross! Ross! 这里, 嘿! 我帮你留了个座位. 不用,我坐这边很好. Joey,我一会去找你. 哦, 这个座位有人了. 礼品店的. 嘿, 关于今天在餐厅所发生的事,我真的,真的非常抱歉. 没什么大不了的. 嘿, 真的, 你是迫不得已. 对吧? 嘿,不仅仅是我一个人那么做,我是说科学家和解说员从来都不坐在一起. 随便你. Joey,到处都这样,Mon,支持我一下.在你工作那里, 服务员也是和服务员一起吃饭,对吧? 并且厨师和其它厨师一起吃,是吧? 我自己在走廊里自己吃饭,因为人人都讨厌我. Ross, 真的,真的没什么.你知道你穿白色衣服,我穿蓝色制服, 如果那代表着我们不能在单位成为朋友,那么不是就不是,我理解. 嘿,当我在舞台上,你在观众席上,我也没和你说话,对吧. 因此,你知道,没事. 明天见. 对,当他在舞台上时是没有和我们说话,但他确实挥过手. - 嗨.- 嘿! Phoebe为什么对着Carl Mulden(电影演员)唱歌? 我想现在又到遛狗的时间了,来呀,我们去阳台. 什么?! 哦,是街道.快,我们上街去.Ooh,听着, 我回来之前别去阳台. 怎么样,你做了吗? 是,是,我们做爱了. Uh-oh, 不是很理想? 还可以, 但是她没有激烈到像"赞同"Joey那样"赞同"我. 她更像是"我知道你的观点","我可以接受" 没关系,你们毕竟是第一次嘛。不可能一开头就琴瑟和谐的对不对? 对啊,通常都是女人觉得还不够和谐,男人却很快就满足了。 看,你得帮帮我!行吗?我是说, 我知道该做些什么,我也知道哪里总是让人感觉美妙 但是我需要使得她从美妙到"啊,天呀!有人要了她的命!" 好吧, 我将要呈现你一些很多男人不知道的"密笈". Rach, 请把便笺本给我。 好,现在... 哦,你不用画那么具体...wo? whoa! 辣妹! 好,每个人都知道的,基本的性敏感带.第1个,第2个,第3第4个, 第5个,第6个还有第7个! 一共有7个? 让我看看,Oh, 正确. 那也是一个? 那个还是一个挺重要的呢! 哦,我看颠倒了. 呵呵,有时那样也有用呢. 大多数男人只会走过1-2-3然后就直接到7,接着就"安营扎寨"了. 那样做不对吗? 如果你去迪斯尼游乐园,你不会把整天都玩过山车. 如果那是象7那样的东西,也许你可能会那么做. 嗯,重要的是,你得从容进行, 你得把所有的敏感部位都照顾到,让它们全部保持兴奋状态。 Oo, 脚趾!! Well, 对一些人有用. 好. Umm,你可以从一点点1,2,1-2-3开始, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, ...7..... 7...7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7... :) Geller博士, 这里有个座位. 谢谢,Phillips博士, 但我将在这张餐桌吃午餐,中间这张桌. 与我的好朋友Joey, 就坐在这里吃午餐,如果他愿意和我坐在一起. Geller博士,我愿意和你坐在一起. 我们是在一家自然博物馆, 可是我们吃午餐的情形却非常的不自然. 现在,我环顾这间餐厅你知道我看到什么吗?是隔阂. 穿白大褂和蓝制服的人之间的隔阂,我扪心自问,"老天爷呀,为什么会这样?!" 我倡议我们脱掉这些分化我们的衣服,真诚的相互了解。 我是Ross! 我离婚啦,我还有一个小孩! 我是Joey! 我是一名演员! 我对恐龙一无所知! 我是Ted, 我刚刚搬到纽约一个月,这里真的吓坏我了. - 大家都这样才对嘛! -Teddy 你要坚持到底!! 我是Andrew, 我拿这个梨没付钱. 好,对你有好处. 我是Rhonda, 我隆过乳! Wow, Rhonda. - 我是Scott.- 好, 够了, Scott! 我必须开关灯17次才能离开一个房间,否则我全家会死光. 我妈妈随时要来领走它,我确实舍不得,我不能放弃狗狗,我能吗?不,我不能. 我不想那么做.但是我能,不. 唉,我看不下去了,就好像在看《苏菲的选择》 我从来没看过那个电影. 那个电影只是一般而已. 哦,我做不了这个.我妈妈说得对.如果我不能放弃小狗,那么, 我根本就不可能放弃一个婴儿. 啊,老天爷呀,Frank和Alice听了一定会非常的沮丧. 还有什么,我还能给他们什么? 肾! - 嗨!- 嗨! 我们刚刚散步走到这里, 因此... 对, 我们路过进来看看,想让你知道,我们不想让你有什么压力. 绝不. 但是你要是有什么想和我们说,我们就在那边喝咖啡. 好. Oh,这个小家伙是谁?! Oh! Ooh! Umm! Oh,他太可爱啦, 他让我想起我以前的狗"肿瘤". 你太漂亮啦,真想把你带回家. 嘿, 为什么不呢? 真的吗? Uh-huh, 是! Oh, 谢谢. 你在做什么? 我舍得放手.你知道为什么吗? 看看他们,看他们有多幸福 是我给他们带来快乐, 因此... 我知道放弃一个婴儿会比放弃一只小狗难上100万倍 但是, 啊,天呀. 那也会让我自我感觉伟大上100万倍,对吧? 我想要做这事. 我想怀你们的婴儿. 太感激你了! 你不知道这对我们来说意味着什么! 啊,天呀, 我想我感动得要哭了! 太伟大了. 嗨! 怎么了? 喔,我把狗给他们了并且让他们很开心,因此我决定我将要帮他们怀他们的孩子. 但是,Phoebe... 不-不-不 我知道, 我们是不同的人,而且这个情况和你当年也完全不同 而且我知道我以后不会为这事遗憾. 喔, 我-我完全理解, 但是,那是我的小狗. Oh! 你这辈子会不会帮别人怀孕? 那要取决于谁求我. 如果那个人是我呢? 喔,行,当然. 真的吗? 是. 你不是真的求我吧? - 不是.- 当然! 完全没问题! 啊! 谢谢! 谢谢! 谢谢! Yes! 太感谢你啦!

The One With Phoebe’s Uterus

[Scene: Central Perk, Frank and Alice are there talking with Phoebe.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! I can’t believe my little brother is married!

Frank: Oh I know!! (Both he and Alice squeal hysterically)

Phoebe: You guys, why didn’t you tell me you were eloping?

Frank: ‘Cause it just sorta happened, y’know we were at the courthouse, we were having lunch…

Phoebe: Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?

Frank: We were having lunch. Yeah and then all of the sudden we were like, "Hey! Y'know, we’re here, having lunch let’s get married!

Phoebe: Wow, a year and a half ago I didn’t even know I had a brother, and now I have a sister too. (They all hug, and Frank and Alice start kissing.) Okay. Okay. Stop it, don’t. So, I gotta get you a gift now. Is there anything you need?

Frank: Uhh, yeah.

Alice: We’ve been trying to get pregnant, uh pretty much ever since we got engaged, we thought we’d get a jump on things, y’know no one’s getting any younger.

Frank: See the thing is umm, we’re not able to y’know, uh, conceive.

Alice: And we’ve tried everything, we’ve seen a bunch of doctors.

Frank: Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.

Phoebe: (shocked) That’s a really nice gift. I was thinking of like a gravy boat.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are trying to throw cards into a vase.]

Joey: (entering with Ross) Hey! You guys! Check it out, check it out! (He’s wearing a blue blazer) Guess which job I got.

Chandler: I don’t know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.

(The gang is stunned.)

Ross: What?

Chandler: Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back.

Rachel: But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black?

Chandler: Well, you-you know what I meant.

Monica: No, you messed it up. You’re stupid.

Chandler: So what job did you get Joe?

Joey: Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me.

Rachel: Well, how can you be a tour guide, don’t you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?

Joey: No, not really. They give you all the information, it’s uh, it’s like memorizing a script. (Making like a tour guide) "And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period.

Chandler, Monica, and Rachel: Great!! That’s great!

Ross: Uh actually Joey, it’s the Cretasous period.

Joey: Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got married!

All: Oh my God!!

Phoebe: And! And, they’re gonna have a baby! (The gang is shocked.) And! And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. (The gang is stunned into silence.)

Ross: My God!

Monica: Are you serious?

Phoebe: Yeah

Joey: You’re really thinking about having sex with your brother?!

Phoebe: Ewww! And "Oh no!" It’s—they just want me to be the surrogate. It’s her-it’s her egg and her sperm, and I’m-I’m just the oven, it’s totally their bun.

Joey: Huh.

Monica: What did you tell them?

Phoebe: Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? I’m gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give.

Chandler: You’re gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station?

Rachel: Honey, this really is an incredible thing to do for them, but there are things to think about.

Monica: Yeah, like you’re gonna be pregnant. I mean pregnant.

Phoebe: I know!

Ross: Pheebs, you’re talking about putting your body through an awful lot, I mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and it’s all for somebody else!

Phoebe: Yeah, what’s your point?

Ross: Well, the stuff I just mentioned.

Rachel: Wow! I don’t know if I could ever do that. I always figured the first time I had a baby was with somebody I love and that baby would be a…keeper.

Phoebe: Y'know you guys were a lot more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture.

Joey: No, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we’ll be supportive like crazy.

All: Yeah.

Monica: We just want you to think it through.

Rachel: Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who’s had a baby. Like your mom?

Phoebe: My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are kissing.]

Kathy: Umm, (moves her hand’s down to his butt) I love this touchy. Can I take it to work with me?

Chandler: Oh, yeah, sure, it’s not mine anyway. It can with the pants.

Kathy: Oh! (They kiss and she leaves)

Monica: I am so jealous.

Rachel: You guys are really right…there aren’t you?

Chandler: Yes. Right where?

Monica: In the beginning where y’know it’s all sex and talking and sex and talking and…

Chandler: Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking.

Monica: And the sex?

Chandler: All right, we haven’t had sex yet. Okay, what’s the big deal? Y’know? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the next level.

Rachel: Oh, Chandler that is so nice.

Ross: That is really nice…lying! No way is that the reason!

Rachel: Why? Just because you’re not mature enough to understand something like that?!

Chandler: No, he’s right, I’m totally lying.

(Ross makes an "I was right, and you weren’t face." And Rachel does Ross’s little I’m-flicking-you-off-but-I’m-not-giving-you-the-finger banging of the fists.)

Monica: Then what is it?

Chandler: Well, Kathy’s last boyfriend was Joey.

Ross: And you’re afraid you won’t be able to…fill his shoes.

Chandler: No, I’m afraid I won’t be able to make love as well as him.

Ross: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.

Chandler: Yes, and I was saying the actual words.

Monica: So big deal, so Joey’s had a lot of girlfriends, it doesn’t mean he’s great in bed.

Chandler: We share a wall! So either he’s great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot.

Monica: Sweetie, with you it’s gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great, ‘cause you-you guys are in love.

Chandler: Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: Just go for it Chandler.

Monica: Yeah, you should.

Rachel: Yeah, you should, really.

Monica: Go on.

Chandler: All right, all right, I’ll go sleep with my girlfriend. But I’m just doing it for you guys.

[Scene: The museum, Joey is giving a tour to a bunch of school kids.]

Joey: Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic period.

Smart Kid: Isn’t the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic?

Joey: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, (Motions to a fossilised dinosaur foot.) we have a large foot. (Sees Ross working in one of the display cases.) Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. (Knocks on the glass) Everyone wave ‘Hi’ to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. (Ross does the old "Putting a cigarette in your ear and pulling it out of your mouth trick.") Okay, moving right along. Come on.

[Scene: Phoebe Sr.’s house, there’s a knock on the door.]

Phoebe Sr: It’s open! Come in!

Phoebe: Hi!

Phoebe Sr: Hi!

Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m late.

Phoebe Sr: Oh, that’s okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples.

Phoebe: Wow! You really go all out when you’re expecting company.

Phoebe Sr: No, I was working on my pottery.

Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didn’t know that you did…pot.

Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.

Phoebe: Ooh, erotiery!

Phoebe Sr: Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. Y’know…

Phoebe: Okay.

Phoebe Sr: I really don’t think it’s a very good idea, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Why not?

Phoebe Sr: Well, because you’d be giving up a baby, and I-I really don’t—I don’t know if there’s anything I can say that could make you understand the pain of giving up a baby. So, umm, (Picks up a puppy in the box next to the couch.)

Phoebe: Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Don’t-don’t hurt the puppy.

Phoebe Sr: No-no-no, the-the puppy’s yours.

Phoebe: Oh, I get a puppy!!

Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for three days.

Phoebe: Why?

Phoebe Sr: I realise I don’t have any right to start get all parenty on you and everything now, but umm, (Sees that Phoebe isn’t paying attention and is busy mimicking the puppy.) uhh… Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy, it’s very important.

Phoebe: Okay.

Phoebe Sr: I mean, I know what I’m talking about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. (Phoebe is playing with the puppy again, and not listening) I really shouldn’t have given you the puppy first.

Phoebe: All right, I’m sorry.

[Scene: The museum’s worker cafeteria, Joey is eating lunch with the rest of the tour guides. Another tour guide tries to sit down in a seat Joey saved for Ross.]

Joey: Uhh, do you mind sitting there. I’m-I’m saving this for my friend Ross.

Tour Guide: You mean Dr. Geller?

Joey: Doctor? Wow! I didn’t know he had a nickname.

Tour Guide: Oh, he won’t sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit over there, (Points to there table) and only the people in the blue blazers sit here.

Joey: Well, how-how come?

Tour Guide: That’s just the way it is.

Joey: That’s crazy.

Tour Guide: Maybe it’s crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See that scientist in the classes, he and I used to play together all the time in grade school, but now…(Turns around) Peter! Hey, Peter! It’s me Rhonda! From PS-129! I shared my puddin’ which you man! I gave you my Snack Pack! (to Joey) See, he pretend he don’t even here me!

Joey: I-I think everybody’s pretending they don’t hear you. Anyway, look, I don’t know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, I’m telling you, he will sit in it! (Ross enters and goes over to the white table) Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I saved you seat.

Ross: That’s okay, I’m cool over here. I’ll catch up with you later, Joey. (Joey is shocked.)

(Another woman enters without a coat or blazer and tries to sit at the ‘blue’ table.)

Tour Guide: Op, this is saved. (Joey wonders why) Gift shop.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating dinner, Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Ross: (entering) Hey, uh, I’m really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria today.

Joey: It’s no big deal. Hey, y’know, you do what you gotta do. Right?

Ross: But hey, it’s not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together.

Joey: Whatever.

Ross: It’s like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?

Monica: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.

Joey: Look, Ross, really it’s-it’s no big deal. Y’know you wear a white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can’t be friends at work, then so be it. Y’know, hey I understand. Y’know? Hey, when I’m in a play and you’re in the audience, I don’t talk to you, right? So it’s y’know, it’s uh, it’s cool. I’ll see you tomorrow. (Leaves)

Rachel: Yeah, when we’re in the audience he doesn’t talk to us, but he does wave.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is there with her puppy and is trying to sing it to sleep as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hi.

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Why is Phoebe singing to Carl Mulden?

Phoebe: Ooh, y’know what, I think it’s time for puppy to go out again. Come on, let’s go to the balcony.

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: Umm, the street. Come on, let’s go to the street. Ooh, listen, don’t go onto the balcony until after I get back. (Leaves)

Monica: (to Chandler) So, did you do it?

Chandler: Yes, yes, we had the sex.

Monica: Uh-oh, it was bad?

Chandler: It was fine, y’know? But she didn’t agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, I’m all right with it."

Monica: Well, it was the first time. Y’know, there’s not always a lot of agreement the first time.

Rachel: Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree (snaps her fingers) like that.

Chandler: Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y’know, I know where everything goes, it’s always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody’s killing her in there!"

Monica: All right, I’m gonna show you something a lot of guys don’t know. Rach, give me that pad, please? (She does so and Monica starts drawing on it) All right. Now…

Chandler: Look, you don’t have to draw an actual wo—whoa! She’s hot!

Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there’s more than three), five, six, and seven!

Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?!

Rachel: Let me see that. (Monica shows her) Oh, yeah.

Chandler: (Points to one) That’s one?

Monica: It’s kind of an important one!

Chandler: Oh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down.

Rachel: Well, y’know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could’ve meant.)

Monica: (continuing) Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.

Chandler: That-that’s bad?

Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don’t spend the whole day on the Materhorn.

Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7!

Monica: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit ‘em all, and you mix ‘em up. You gotta keep them on their toes.

Rachel: Oo, toes!! Well, for some people. (Chandler eyes her and her toes.)

Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, …7..…7…7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7…(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.)

[Scene: The museum cafeteria, Joey is eating with the tour guides as Ross enters.]

Older Scientist: Dr. Geller, there’s a seat over here. (Motions to an empty chair at the ‘white’ table.)

Ross: Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but I’m having my lunch at this table, here in the middle. I’m having lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if he’ll sit with me.

Joey: (standing up) I will sit with you Dr. Geller. (He goes over to his table and they shake hands.)

Ross: Y'know, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and y’know what I see, I see-I see division. Division, between people in white coats and people in blue blazers, and I ask myself, "My God why?!" Now, I say we shed these-these coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. (He takes off his coat and throws it down.) I’m Ross! I’m divorced, and I have a kid!

Joey: (stands up, and throws his coat on the floor) I’m Joey! I’m an actor! I don’t know squat about dinosaurs!

Another Tour Guide: (standing up and removing his coat) I’m Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.

Ross: All right, there you go!

Joey: Yeah, you hang in there Teddy!

Older Scientist: I’m Andrew, and I didn’t pay for this pear.

Ross: Okay, good-good for you.

Tour Guide: I’m Rhonda, (motions to her breasts) and these aren’t real! (Joey and Ross look at each other, shocked)

Ross: Wow, Rhonda.

Another Scientist: I’m Scott.

Ross: Yeah, okay, Scott!

Another Scientist: And I need to flip the light switch on and off 17 times before I leave a room or my family will die.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, with the puppy, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: My mom’s gonna be here any minute. I can’t do this, I can’t give him up. Yes—no, I can. I don’t want to. But I can. No.

Rachel: Oo, I can’t watch this, it’s like Sophie’s Choice.

Monica: Y’know, I never saw that.

Rachel: Ooh, it was only okay.

Phoebe: Ooh, I can’t do this. My mom was right. If I can’t-if I can’t give him up, then there’s no way I can give up a baby. Ohh, God, Frank and Alice are gonna be so crushed. What-what else, what else can I give ‘em—a kidney!

Alice: (entering with Frank) Hi!

Frank: Hi!

Alice: Uhh, we were just in the neighbourhood, so…

Frank: Yeah, so we just thought we’d stop by and let you know there’s still no pressure.

Alice: None. But if there was something you wanted to tell us, we’re just gonna be right over there (points to the counter) having coffee.

Phoebe: Okay.

Frank: (noticing the puppy) Oh, who’s this little guy?! (Grabs the puppy)

Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Umm!

Frank: Oh, he’s so cute, he reminds me of my old dog, Tumour.

Alice: You are so precious, I could just take you home.

Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you?

Frank: Are you serious?

Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah!

Frank: Oh, thanks.

Monica: What are you doing?

Phoebe: No, I’m really okay with this. Y’know why? ‘Cause look at them, and I made that, so… I know it’s gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby but, oh my God, it’s gonna feel like a million times better, right? I wanna do this. (To Frank and Alice) I wanna carry your baby.

Alice: (shocked) Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you so much! You don’t know what this means to us! Oh!

Frank: Oh my God, I think I’m gonna cry!

Monica: It’s gonna be so great.

Phoebe Sr: (entering) Hi! What’s going on?

Phoebe: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I’m gonna carry their baby.

Phoebe Sr: But Phoebe…

Phoebe: No-no-no, I know, but you and I are different people though, and this is a totally different situation, and I know that I am not gonna regret this.

Phoebe Sr: Oh, I-I-I understand all that, but it’s just—that was my puppy.

Phoebe: Oh!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]

Monica: Would you ever be a surrogate for anyone?

Rachel: It depends on who asked.

Monica: What if I asked?

Rachel: Oh, Mon, sure.

Monica: Really?

Rachel: Yes. (Pause) You’re not asking are you?

Monica: No.

Rachel: Yes! Totally!

(Kathy runs in, hair all out of place, and hugs Monica.)

Kathy: Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Thank you! (Runs back to Chandler)

END

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