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老友记第四季The One With The Embryos

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这该死的鬼声音是什么?!!这该死的鬼声音是什么? 是你吗?哦!!!!!!!!!!- 你还真不是个早起的人啊.- 一边去!!!起床! 起床! 起床! 该死的!起床, 起床, 起床, 起床, 起床!!这噪音是什么?你!是小鸡! 她...有了些变化.什么样的变化?兽医的诊断结果是她要变成公鸡了.我们有其它的看法.- 嗨!- 嗨, 你怎么早晨8点就出去购物了?我早晨6点就起了,多谢某人的臭公鸡.你们真的应该放弃这些动物.它们不应该住在公寓里.对! 尤其是应该远离那些餐刀和食谱好吧. 我要去看产科医生了嗯, 看看我是否准备好把弗兰克和爱丽丝的胚胎放进我的子宫现在, 他们怎么知道你是否准备好了?哦, 他们只是嗯, 看看我的子宫内膜是否够厚.哦, 我能嗯, 帮你检查这个.好的大家, 想着厚.再见! 好运!嗨! 祝我好运!- 哦, 好运.- 好运. 我仍然是对的!不对!什么?她很生气因为我知道,今天是去洗衣店的洗衣服日子,所以今天她穿的是老女人才穿的那种内裤.我能帮你检查这个.我只是, 我不相信你说的,你和钱德了解我和瑞秋,比我和瑞秋了解你们更深.他说的没错.你吃榛子只能是偶数个.对, 这说明什么?你...罗斯, 我相信, 如果你检查一下瑞秋的袋子,你就会发现一盒吃了一半的饼干.你很厉害嘛. 这饼干可不怎么样.这不算什么. 每个人购物的时候都会带着零食.是么? 罗斯, 袋子里还有多少件东西?五件.好, 赌十块钱我们可以说出里面每样东西.你们有多少次猜的机会?六次.挑战提出.来吧!挑战接受.好吧, 首先是...苹果.首先是苹果.别这样了!没错!好. 呃, 玉米饼, 酸奶.无糖饮料.有. 有. 有.- 橘子汁.- 错! 里面没有橘子汁! 我们赢了!!- 哈哈!他们还有一次机会猜.好, 我们待会再赢.- 好, 最好一件...- 喔-喔,喔,喔-喔!不-不, 还得过两周才会买.我知道了! 透-明-胶-带.你怎么会知道她会买透明胶带?我们昨晚做鬼脸, 把原来的都用完了.啊, 你们!好吧! 十块钱! 快交钱! 给我.这不表示你们了解我们更深, 我要重赛.对, 而且不是这些愚蠢的杂货问题, 真正的个人问题.对! 而且胜利者赢一百块钱.当真?怕了吧?不! 好的, 谁-谁来出题?罗斯会出.哦当然, "罗斯会出!"这可不是他的工作,或者他的孩子,或者他自己的生活.好! 我们找菲比.不-不-不, 我-我想玩.看上去你的子宫已经完全可以接受移植.哦! 我就知道! 我就知道! 今早我感觉它真的很厚.好的, 好, 现在干什么?把那些卵子拿来,放进去啊.好, 不过准备这些胚胎需要一点时间.这些胚胎? 不止一个?事实上, 五个.五个? 那我生的时候, 是去医院还是准备个大盒子?我们做五个是因为,这样我们可以确保至少25%的机会至少有一个能出生.什么? 25%? 也就是说有75%的可能根本就没有孩子!嘿, 我想, 要是放进200个胚胎那成功的机会是多少?亲爱的, 她是个女人, 不是塞珠子的机器.好, 知道么, 你们别担心,因为我可以帮你们植很多次直到成功为止.不过, 事实上, 我-我们只能有一次机会.嗯, 每做一次要16,000美元.- 16,000美元?!!- 嗯, 在加州是20,000美元.为了这一次我们差不多花了所有的钱了.喔!! 这样? 好, 我和我的子宫有点压力了.那么, 好吧, 我可以做点什么事,能够更确保我能怀孕吗?没有, 我很抱歉.喔! 你还真是什么都不知道!我知道! 为什么我们不让她喝醉呢?!这在我们高中的时候经常让姑娘怀孕.- 你现在...- 嘿,嘿,嘿,嘿, 你碰了题板了.好吧.你个变态!你们几个! 你们知道么, 菲比能不能怀孕就看现在了.- 我知道! 我知道, 这真是关系一生的大事啊.- 对.- 题目准备好了.- 耶! 好!好, 每个队要回答十个问题.答对更多的队胜利.分类是, 害怕的东西和难以接受的事情历史, 文化, 和亲戚.现在, 扔硬币决定谁先答.- 好, 这次有人出来选一面.- 哦好!背面!是正面.先生们, 选择你们的分类.害怕的东西和讨厌的宠物.莫妮卡最讨厌什么样的宠物?- 动物穿的跟人一样.- 正确.女士们?还是这个分类对于钱德来说, 什么东西能让他叫"老天爷"?Michael Flatley, 舞蹈皇帝!正确.那个爱尔兰转圈的家伙?!他的腿相互敲打, 就象不属于他的身体!先生们, 你们选.亲戚.莫妮卡和我有个祖母已经去世,你们都参加过她的葬礼, 祖母的名字!奶奶?她有真名.- 阿尔西亚(希腊神话中的女神)!- 阿尔西亚?! 怎么样?!- 我蒙的.- 你蒙"阿尔西亚"?!- 阿尔西亚是对的.- 蒙的好!我们选文化!!每周都有电视节目指南送到钱德和乔伊的公寓.出现在地址标签上的名字是什么?钱德订的! 是钱德.宾!不!!我恐怕得说,电视节目预告送给的是钱纳德.邦.我知道这个!瑞秋! 动动你的脑子!事实上, 是钱娜德.邦小姐.你好, 小胚胎.我是-我是菲比.布费, 海!我-我希望以后九个月到你的子宫里去.你知道, 我们这是为了弗兰克和爱丽丝,你们认识, 你们曾经在现场!哦, 他们很想要你们,所以你们到里面的时候,要抓住机会哦.好, 我会保证你们的安全和温暖,直到你们准备好回家, 那么...哦! 对了, 下次你们见到我, 如果我尖叫的话,别害怕, 这只是假定会发生.- 好了吗?- 呃-呃. 好运.好吧, 现在比分是9比8.女士们, 如果这题答错他们就赢了, 选你们的分类.亲戚!!- 你不用每次都大喊.- 对不起!哦.钱德的父亲在拉斯维加斯的做滑稽表演,他的名字是?万岁拉斯Gay加斯!很不幸,正确.好啊!!好的, 现在平局.还好, 我准备的不止这些.- 闪电赛!- 喔!!.30秒, 所以的问题都可以回答.你们俩死定了, 闪电赛我最拿手了.我的专业就是闪电赛.好的, 我们这就打垮你.啊, 打赌么?我很奇怪, 我们忙了半天是为了...押更多的钱怎么样- 比如150?- 150美元.- 比如200?- 200美元.- 你又这个腔调.- 对不起.- 莫妮卡, 我不想失去200美元.- 我们不. 300?- 莫妮卡?!- 我只是让它更刺激些!好, 那我们就再加点胡椒粉! 别再花钱了!我知道了! 这样吧,如果我们赢, 他们扔掉公鸡怎么样?喔!! 这很有趣喔.嗨, 不行, 公鸡是我们的家庭成员!把鸭子也扔了!又有鸭子什么事?! 他又没制造噪音!他老是让公鸡叫.- 我们不打算...- 好的, 等等!- 如果你们赢, 我们放弃鸟儿们.- 啊!!- 但是如果我们赢, 我们赢得你们的公寓.- 哦!!!- 成交!- 什么??- 真是疯了! 这不可能, 我们不会放弃我们的公寓莫妮卡, 赌公寓, 我不知道说什么.瑞秋, 整个比赛我还没答错一道题.我是赢家! 看我的手!为什么? 答案写在上面?不! 象石头一样坚硬! 现在, 你跟我一起么?好吧, 我们上.- 来吧!- 好.好的, 先生们, 你们先来.- 好.- 好.你们有30秒.闪电赛现在...停下来.开始.莫妮卡当曲棍球守门员时候的绰号- 大胖守门员.- 正确.瑞秋说她最喜欢的电影是...- 孽恋焚情.- 正确.她实际上最喜欢的电影是...- 老板渡假去.- 正确.莫妮卡14岁的时候用铅笔扎了她身体的什么部位?哦!哟! 不!!她的耳朵!好的, 莫妮卡给她的毛巾分类.一共分了多少类?每个人一类.装饰用的.客用.客用装饰.两秒...哦, 11!11, 难以置信11是对的.好的, 这是你们的. 女士们, 准备.- 好!- 来吧!30秒比赛时间, 答对5个就赢得比赛.闪电赛现在...开始!乔伊最喜欢的食物?- 三明治!- 正确.钱德第一次碰女生胸部是几岁?- 14?- 不, 19.- 谢了.乔伊有个虚构的童年伙伴, 他的名字是?- 莫里斯.- 正确, 他的职业?- 太空牛仔!- 正确!钱德.宾的工作是什么?哦天啊, 跟数字有关的什么.还有处理.- 他带个公文包.- 10秒, 答错这个你们就输了.是个呃, 和传送有关的什么.哦-哦-哦, 他收发什么东西, 收发员!不是一个词能说清楚的!我能答! 我能答!- 不!!!!!- 我的天.- 耶!!! 好!!!我要莫妮卡的房间!你不能这么就要了莫妮卡的房间.我当然能, 标准的射击游戏规则, 我看到了我就能要.- 我感觉我能接着做点什么- 什么?对. 猜猜房子的颜色? 我赌公寓!哦, 我永远不会拿这个公寓打赌的. 它太棒了.- 嗨!- 嗨!- 嗨? 哦 菲比, 他们在那儿了?嗯, 对, 哦, 我已经被植入了.感觉怎么样?哦, 感觉很怪.因为他们能出来的机率真是太差了.而且! 弗兰克和爱丽丝只来一次.就象, 他们按顺序把他们的鸡蛋放到我的篮子里.好, 但我打赌这会有用.真的?! 赌多少?!好吧, 我去做个怀孕测试, 就现在.哦喔! 这么快就行?医生说要几天时间, 但是我的身体总是比医学要快.天啊! 难以置信, 你们这些家伙真的要搬过来.最好相信, 宝贝!好, 我-我不搬.什么?!不, 这是个愚蠢的打赌! 我们只是玩个游戏!你不能就这么不管这个打赌! 这是个打赌!你打赌而且你输了, 你就输了打赌!瑞秋, 我们得搬. 我是说如果他们输了,我们也会让他们把鸟儿们扔掉的, 对吗?不.好吧, 我恨这样就象你一样,不过这个或许能让你好过些, 这都是你的错.什么?!钱纳德.邦, 我们每周都把电视节目指南偷来!我就知道!我不在乎, 我哪儿也不去.酷, 女室友.怎样?没有, 现在还没.才几个小时, 多给它们点时间.好吧, 这段时间, 我是无能为力了, 我只能躺在你的椅子上,知道么, 交给地心引力来办.嘿, 瑞, 你能帮我抬一下这个箱子么?不! 放下箱子! 我们哪儿也不去!这是我的公寓, 我喜欢它! 这是女生的公寓!那是个男生的公寓, 脏而且难闻.这个多漂亮, 这个太漂亮了!你看, 这个-这个是紫色的!我跟你说, 你和你坚强的手, 我不搬,而且现在我有坚强的手了.我来办妥.这就对了! 这手说什么你办什么!怎么样?我输了我们的床垫."你们在那儿么小婴儿? 九个月我们在一起好么? 我会给你们买阿迪达斯的."- 嗨!- 嗨!嗨, 菲比! 我们刚才去药店给你带了点礼物.哦, 是棒棒糖和, 哦, 家用怀孕测验.嘿, 别混在一起, 要不然棒棒糖没法吃了.那么, 你是否能做个测试? 这只是问问.好吧, 我测, 不, 我测.但是呃, 你要记住现在测还很早.所以如果说我没怀孕, 不说明我不会怀孕.所以即使这次没成, 也别觉得所有希望都没了.- 好的.- 好的.好.你知道么, 你们是恶劣的男生, 就是恶劣!嘿, 别对我们发火! 没人逼你!这不对. 她! 她逼我!嘿, 要是你没答错的话, 我们就还能在这住!这是愚蠢, 不公平的问题!别怪问题!你能不能别在我们的公寓里大叫了!?你毁了我们搬家大喜的日子!别把这叫你们的公寓!- 但这就是我们的公寓!- 不, 这不是!你们! 你们! 你们要有孩子了!他们要有孩子了!我姐姐怀了我的孩子了!!!!!!!- 好, 但这对孩子没什么好处.- 哦!我找不到垃圾袋了!哦, 我想我在这看见过几个.这是什么?!我不知道! 但是也许我们把抽屉一直关着, 能闷死它.难以置信我们竟然住在这种地方!什么?! 怎么了?!你看到储藏室有多大了吗?!难以置信我们竟然住在这种地方!啊!!!!!!! 啊!!!!!!!!

The One With The Embryos

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it’s 0-Dark:30, in other words it’s really, really early. Everyone’s asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into their living room, searching for the cause of the sound.]

Rachel: What the hell is that?!! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is that you? (Monica nods her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.) Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler and Joey’s with Monica in trail.)

Monica: Boy, you are really not a morning person.

Rachel: (angrily) BACK OFF!!! (She starts banging on their door.) Get up! Get up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!!

(Chandler opens the door, finally.)

Rachel: What is that noise?

Chandler: You!

Joey: It’s the chick! She’s…going through some changes.

Monica: What kind of changes?

Chandler: Well the vet seems to think that’s she’s becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) We’re getting a second opinion.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it’s later that morning, everybody has gotten up and Ross and Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is returning from shopping.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning?

Rachel: Well, I’ve been up since six. Thanks to somebody’s dumb-ass rooster.

Phoebe: You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn’t be living in an apartment.

Rachel: Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around…

Phoebe: All right. I’m gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if I’m ready to have Frank and Alice’s embryo transferred into my uterus.

Ross: Now, how will they know if you’re ready?

Phoebe: Oh, they’re just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick.

Chandler: Oh, I can uh, check that for ya.

Phoebe: Okay everyone, think thick.

All: Good-bye! Good luck! (She opens the door to reveal Monica and Joey.)

Phoebe: Hi! Wish me luck!

Monica: Oh, good luck.

Joey: Good luck. (to Monica) And I’m still right!

Monica: That is sooo not true!

Rachel: What?

Joey: She’s mad because I know today’s her laundry day and that means she’s wearing her old lady underpants.

Chandler: I can check that for ya.

Monica: I just—I can’t believe that you think that you and Chandler know me and Rachel better than we know you.

Chandler: Well… we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers.

Joey: Yeah, what’s that about?

Chandler: (to Rachel) And you… Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel’s bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.

Ross: (He does so, and finds a half-eaten box of cookies.) You’re good. (Tries a cookie.) These are not.

Rachel: I’m so not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop.

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag?

Ross: Five.

Chandler: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag.

Rachel: How many guesses do you get?

Joey: Six.

Ross: Challenge extended.

Monica: Deal!

Ross: Challenge excepted.

Joey: All right, we’ll start with…apples.

Ross: We’ll be starting with apples.

Chandler: (to Ross) Stop that now!

(Ross reveals a bag of apples.)

Chandler: Yes!

Joey: Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt.

Chandler: Diet soda.

Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes. (They’re perfect so far.)

Chandler: Orange juice.

Rachel: No! There’s no orange juice in there! We win!!

Monica: Ha-ha!

Ross: They have another guess.

Rachel: Okay, well, we won that one.

Joey: Okay, the last thing…

Chandler: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joey’s ear.)

Joey: No-no, not for like another two weeks.

Chandler: I got it! Scotch… tape. (They’re right.)

Ross: How did you know she would buy scotch tape?

Chandler: Well, we used there’s up last night making scary faces.

Monica: Aww, man!

Chandler: All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it.

Monica: That does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch.

Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal questions.

Monica: Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks.

Joey: Serious?

Monica: Are you scared?

Joey: No! All right, who-who makes up the questions?

Monica: Ross will do it.

Ross: Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" It’s not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own.

Rachel: Fine! We’ll ask Phoebe.

Ross: No-no-no, I-I wanna play.

[Scene: The Doctor’s office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch.]

Dr. Zane: It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation.

Phoebe: Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning.

Frank: Well, okay, so what’s now—go get, go get the eggs, put ‘em in there.

Dr. Zane: Okay, it’ll take just a little while to prepare the embryos.

Phoebe: Embryossss? As in, "More than one?"

Dr. Zane: Um-hmm, five actually.

Phoebe: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs?

Dr. Zane: We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach.

Phoebe: That’s it! 25 percent? That means that’s it’s like 75 percent chance of no baby at all!

Frank: Hey, y’know I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in there?

Alice: Sweety, now, she’s a woman, not a gumball machine.

Phoebe: Okay, well y’know what, don’t worry you guys, ‘cause I’m-I’m gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right.

Frank: Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we only got, we kinda have one shot to make it right.

Alice: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, we’re kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time.

Phoebe: Whoa!! That—okay, that’s a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is there—is maybe is there something that I can do y’know just to like help make sure I get pregnant?

Dr. Zane: No, I’m sorry.

Phoebe: Wow! You guys really don’t know anything!

Frank: I know! Why don’t you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in my high school.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is about to begin.]

Monica: You guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant?

Joey: Huh.

Rachel: I know! I know, it’s such a huge, life-altering thing.

Joey: I know.

(They all pause and think about it.)

Ross: The test is ready.

All: Yeah! Yes! (They all right into the living room, all excited.)

Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It’s All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this time.

All: Oh yeah!

(Ross flips the coin again.)

Rachel: Tails!

Ross: It’s heads. (The guys celebrate.) Gentlemen, pick your category.

Chandler: Fears and Pet Peeves.

Ross: What is Monica’s biggest pet peeve?

Joey: Animals dressed as humans.

Ross: That’s correct. Ladies?

Monica: Same category?

Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?

Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!

Ross: That is correct.

Joey: (to Chandler) The Irish gig guy?!

Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent of his body!

Ross: Gentlemen, you’re pick.

Joey: It’s All Relative.

Ross: Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother!

Joey: (to Chandler) Nana?

Chandler: She has a real name.

Joey: (answering the question) Althea!

Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?!

Joey: I took a shot.

Chandler: Are you sure it was Althea?!

Ross: Althea is correct.

Chandler: Nice shooting!

(Ross motions for the girls to pick.)

Rachel: We’ll take Literature!!

Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label?

Rachel: Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing!

Monica: No!!

Ross: I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong.

Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use you’re head!

Chandler: Actually, it’s Miss Chinandolor Bong.

[Scene: The Doctor’s office, Phoebe is giving a pep talk to the petrie dish containing the embryos.]

Phoebe: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, I’m-I’m Phoebe Buffay, hi! I’m-I’m-I’m hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know, that we’re doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, you’ve been there! Umm, y’know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. Okay, and-and I promise that I’ll keep you safe and warm until you’re ready to have them take you home, so… Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, I’m screaming, don’t worry, that’s what’s supposed to happen.

Dr. Zane: Ready?

Phoebe: Uh-huh. (To the embryos) Good luck.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming to a close.]

Ross: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is theirs, pick your category.

Rachel: (shouting) It’s All Relative!!

Ross: You don’t have to shout everything.

Rachel: (shouting) I’m sorry!

Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandler’s father’s Las Vegas all-male burlesque?

Monica: Viva Las Gaygas!

Chandler: Unfortunately that is correct.

The Girls: Yes!!

Ross: All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. (He opens up an envelope and holds up some note cards.) The Lightning Round!

All: Ohhhh.

Ross: Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer.

Monica: You guys are dead, I am so good at lighting rounds.

Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we’re gonna destroy you.

Monica: Huh, wanna bet?

Chandler: Well, I’m so confused as to what we’ve been doing so far…

Monica: How about we play for more money, say 150?

Ross: 150 dollars.

Chandler: Say 200?

Ross: 200 dollars.

Monica: You’re doing it again.

Ross: Excuse me.

Rachel: Monica, I don’t want to lose 200 dollars.

Monica: We won’t. (to Chandler) 300?

Rachel: Monica?!

Monica: I’m just trying to spice it up!

Rachel: Okay, so let’s play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!

Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?

Rachel: Oooohh that’s interesting.

Joey: Hey, no way, that rooster’s family!

Rachel: Throw in the duck too!

Joey: What do you have against the duck?! He doesn’t make any noise!

Rachel: Well, he gets the other one all riled up.

Joey: Look, we are not gonna…

Chandler: (interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds.

Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)

Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment.

Joey: Oooooh!

Monica: Deal!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later.]

Rachel: Monica, betting the apartment, I don’t know about this.

Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game! Look at my hand. (Holds up her hand.)

Rachel: Why? Do you have the answers written on there?

Monica: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me.

Rachel: All right, let’s do it.

Monica: Come on!

Rachel: Okay. (They go into the living room.)

Ross: All right, gentlemen, you’re up first.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: Okay. (Starts jumping around.)

Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round begins—stop it (Chandler stops jumping)—now. What was Monica’s nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?

Joey: Big fat goalie.

Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie…

Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.

Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...

Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s.

Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?

Chandler: Oh! (Whispers something in Joey’s ear and then in Ross’s ear.)

Ross: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?

(They both confer.)

Joey: Everyday use.

Chandler: Fancy.

Joey: Guest.

Chandler: Fancy guest.

Ross: Two seconds…

Joey: Uhh, 11!

Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right, that’s 4 for the guys. Ladies, you’re up.

Rachel: All right!

Monica: Come on!

(As they change places, they give each other the now patented Ross maneuver. If you don’t know what that means, click here to find out The One With Joey’s New Girlfriend.)

Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round begins…now! What is Joey’s favorite food?

Monica: Sandwiches!

Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl’s breast?

Rachel: 14?

Ross: No, 19.

Chandler: Thanks man.

Ross: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?

Monica: Maurice.

Ross: Correct, his profession was?

Rachel: Space cowboy!

Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job?

(The girls are stumped)

Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers.

Monica: And processing.

Rachel: He carries a briefcase.

Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.

Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding.

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster!

Monica: That’s not even a word! I can get this! I can get this!

(Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.)

Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Rachel: Oh my God.

Chandler and Joey: YEAH!!! YES!!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are carrying in the foosball table.]

Joey: I call Monica’s room!

Chandler: You can’t just call Monica’s room.

Joey: Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, I’m sight of the room and I called it.

(Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that he’s in sight of the room, and mouths damn!)

Monica: Man, I feel like I’m coming down with something.

Joey: What?

Monica: Yeah. (to Chandler) I bet you can’t guess what color my tonsils are? I’ll bet the apartment!

Chandler: Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It’s too nice.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey—ooh Pheebs, are they in there?

Phoebe: Umm, yeah, uh-huh, they’re implanted.

Monica: How do you feel?

Phoebe: Well, freaked. ‘Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and Alice’s like only shot. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket.

Chandler: Yeah, but I bet it works.

Monica: Really?! How much?!

Phoebe: All right, I’m gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now.

Joey: Oh wow! You can tell this soon.

Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body’s always been a little faster than Western medicine.

Rachel: (entering from Chandler’s bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I can’t believe you guys are actually think you’re moving in here!

Chandler: Well believe it baby!

Rachel: Well I-I-I’m not moving.

Joey: What?!

Rachel: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game!

Joey: You can’t just ignore the bet! It’s a bet! You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet!

Monica: Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if they had lost, we would’ve made them get rid of the birds. Right?

Rachel: Noooo.

Monica: All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel better, it’s all your fault.

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week!

Chandler: I knew it!

Rachel: I don’t care, I’m not going anywhere.

Chandler: Cool, girl roommate.

(Phoebe comes in from the bathroom as Rachel sits down in disgust.)

Monica: Well?

Phoebe: Nope, not knocked up yet.

Monica: It’s only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time.

Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I’m gonna do whatever I can to help this so, I’m just gonna y’know, lie it your chair, (She climbs into the chair and drapes her feet over the back of the chair.) Y'know? Yeah, good, I’m let gravity y’know, do its jobs.

[Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandler’s bedroom.]

Monica: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box?

Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girl’s apartment! That is a boy’s apartment, it’s dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It’s-it’s so pretty! And look, and it’s-it’s purple! And I’m telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is shaking uncontrollably.)

Monica: I’ll take care of it.

Rachel: That’s right! You do what the hand says!

[Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and Rachel is laying down as Monica enters.]

Rachel: How did it go?

Monica: I lost our mattresses.

[Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica. Phoebe is still on the chair.]

Phoebe: (singing) "Are you in there little fetus?
In nine will you come great us?
I will buy you some Adidas."

(There’s a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hey!

Frank and Alice: (entering) Hi!

Alice: Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore and we got you a little present.

Phoebe: Oh. Oh.

Frank: Umm, it’s a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test.

Monica: Hey, don’t mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop.

Alice: So umm, you feel like taking a test? There’s only one question.

Phoebe: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, y’know just remember that it’s still really early, okay so, if it says that I’m not pregnant, that doesn’t mean that I’m not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please, just so I don’t go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this.

Alice: Okay.

Frank: Okay. (They both squeal in expectation.)

Phoebe: Great. (Goes to take the test.)

(The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph)

Rachel: Y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!

Joey: Hey, don’t get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes!

Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me!

Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn’t gotten the question wrong!

Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question!

Ross: Don’t blame the questions!

Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!

Rachel: Will you stop calling it your apartment!

Joey: But it is our apartment!

Rachel: No it’s not!

(They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe returns from the bathroom.)

Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You’re gonna have a baby! They’re gonna have a baby!

Frank: MY SISTER’S GONNA HAVE MY BABY!!!!!!!

(They all go over and hug Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Okay, but this can’t be good for the baby.

All: Oh! (They stop hugging her to let her out and resume the hug without her.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are busy unpacking.]

Monica: I can’t find garbage bags!

Rachel: Oh, I think I saw some in here.

(She opens a door and they both scream at horror at what’s inside of it.)

Monica: What is it?!

Rachel: I don’t know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it’ll die.

Monica: I can’t believe we’re living here!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, they’re both unpacked. The big ceramic dog has found a new home in front of the window. Joey screams and runs into the living room.]

Chandler: What?! What-what is it?!

Joey: Did you see the size of the closets?!

Chandler: I can’t believe we live here!

(They both sit down on the chairs and put up the foot rest.)

Chandler and Joey: Awwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!

END

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