我说，她是这出戏的主角，而且她是我的女朋友！我居然可以和戏里的女主角上床！ 人家会听见的。 我知道！！ 哇！她看上去真漂亮啊，你觉得呢？没错 你好！嗨！ 那个男的长得挺帅呀！ 我说，他外套下面那个疮，是只有我能、还是你也能看见？ 哦！你做这一行很长时间了吗？ 不是，你是我第一个主顾，把钱放到桌子上吧。 哟...不错!...嗯...太棒了. 这家伙! 这件衬衫很贵吗? 随便你怎么样了. 给,你女朋友的纽扣. 对了,莫尼卡,你还有你高中时候穿的上衣之类的衣服吗? 有吧,大概在这里的什么地方,怎么了? 没什么,就是孕妇服实在太贵. 嗨,瑞秋,我把你的东西都堆在房间的这半边了. 你只要....把皮包扔上去...就行了. 布鲁明戴尔百货把我的部门裁掉了. 天哪,那你岂不是失业了? 那倒没有,不过他们把我调到个人采购部门了,我的地位大大降低了. 个人采购?那是什么?是不是像陪着骄傲的有钱人到处逛然后告诉他们买什么? 是吧. 听起来真不错呀! 嗨! 我说,很抱歉,我们换过公寓了吧好象? 你再也不能吃我们的东西了,白喝汤的好日子结束了. 有肉汤? 你们占了大公寓,你们就得负责为进进出出的人当主人. 那个冰箱必须时时有存货才行,明白了? 因为那是你们的公寓了. 干吗呢你? 我好象留了个甜甜圈在这里. 嗨! 对了,凯茜的戏怎么样? 这么说吧,凯茜半裸着,假装和一个特帅的男人上床. 没错,就象有人写下了我最恐怖的恶梦并且还让我付了32块钱去读. 那倒是个不错的赚钱主意! 我全晕了,他们每晚都会在舞台上肉体横陈, 然后演出结束回到庆祝派对上开始损我. 想想也知道,他们会说:"你的男朋友到哪里去了? 他叫什么?钱特?" 然后她会回答说."不不不,是钱德", 然后他就会说:"都一样....哈..哈...哈..哈.." 这个恶作剧不错. 行了,听着,我该怎么做? 钱德,他们是演员.他们只是在尽职罢了, 他们在一起工作并不意味着他们会在一起上床. 你不能因为苏珊.萨兰登和蒂姆.罗宾斯, 就以为所有的人都是这样. 哦对了,还有亚历克.鲍德温和金.贝辛格. 汤姆.克鲁斯和妮可.基德曼对,没错. 嘿,梅尔.吉布森和克林特.伊斯特伍德. 他们可不是一对儿!! 哦..我才明白你们在干吗. 行了,听着,我来问你个问题,当他们在台上'翻云覆雨'的时候,你能感觉得到绝对热辣吗? 绝对是的! 那就行了,那你就不用担心了.事情是这样的: 如果两个演员在台下也搞到了一起的话, 那么他们俩之间所有的激情都已经被消耗殆尽了. 明白了吗? 所以只要他们俩只在台上演出得激情四溢, 那你就不用担心.什么时候他们在台上演不出来了,那你就有麻烦了. 果真如此吗? -这么说吧,你们看过我演的每一出戏, 你们能感觉到我象在台下一样有吸引力吗? -没有感觉. -就是嘛!! 我说,今天晚上你还和我一起去吗? 我不知道我是不是会觉得舒服,特别是看你的女朋友在台上和别人搞来搞去的. 是啊,我知道,可是... -哦,别误会,我肯定去. -嗨! -嗨,莫尼卡! 要来点馅饼吗? 你做的? 没错,去拿个盘子. -好吧. 哎,别过来,就呆在那儿. 再近点就好了. 没关系,没关系,不用担心,我们还有麦片粥, 松饼,华夫..还有果酱,果冻,柠檬酱,不过我觉得都差不多. 对了，还有，我们周六晚上在这儿看比赛，如果大家不反对的话。 哦耶！ 哦？我原来也想让大家到我那里去看比赛呢。 哦，是吗？是谁打比赛？ 球员呗。 有人看起来开始怀念当主人的日子喽 拜托，这可是一种解脱...无论如何 好了,菲比,伸出你的盘子! 好了. 莫尼卡,我不干了!我刚刚帮一个81岁的老太婆穿上了一条皮带,她居然都没有买! 我现在决定我不干了!没错!我现在就去和我的老板说! 我就去!我就去!我就去!我就去!我就去!我就去! 好了,再见,听到这通留言就给我打电话. 哦,华生先生,我想跟你谈谈. 一会再说吧,我干活正干到一半,你也有客人了. 嗨! 你好,我是乔舒亚 嗨,我是瑞秋.格林,能为你效劳吗,乔舒亚? 是这样,我需要全套行头,我妻子...其实是我前妻... 哦,很抱歉. 很不幸,她烧掉了我所有的衣服. 我只有两件东西幸免于难.这套西装, 还有一样大概可以当裙子穿的东西. 呃,至少这件西装不错. 是啊,可是穿着裙子慢慢老死在干洗店里可不好玩. 所以我需要下至内衣的一切东西, 如果你愿意的话,我现在全归你管了.. 好吧. 瑞秋,你刚才说要和我谈谈? 不是,不是我说的. 好的,我们就从现在开始吧,先去看看我的内衣. 我们公司的内衣系列. 哦,对不起,是这边,这边.. 是这边吗? 对不起. 我说得没错吧!对不对?他们俩之间一点激情都没有, 以前他们之间还有点,现在一点都没有了! 现在你明白这意味着什么了吧,乔伊告诉过我们这意味着什么的! 好啦,我们先别过早下结论,好不好? 他们俩之间还是有激情的. 你算了吧,他们看起来就象表兄妹在调情! 她来了,什么也别说,听见了吗? 只要装的酷一点,别....太像你自己. 嗨,你们俩! 谢谢你们又来看,你们喜欢今晚的戏吗? 哦,当然了! 尼克点不着火柴的时候是不是很好笑? 这出戏不错,不是吗? 哦,我喜欢这出戏,你太棒了,尼克'也是' 很明显你在和他上床. Okay, I... OK,我.... 很明显我在和他上床? 哦,行了,太明显了!你们俩之间根本没有激情! 那好,我直说了吧,你是不是觉得我欺骗了你, 而且你还怀疑我的演技? 你自己知道的,我都能想象得出来了. 你每晚都在那里,你光着身子,又抚摸,又接吻.... 表演呀!钱德,这是我的工作! 我在戏里面扮演角色!你怎么能不相信我? 你自己明白,想想我们俩怎么开始的就行了. 哦...我不敢相信你居然对我说出这种话. 是啊,事情很明显,而且我都没有看见你甚至'表示'出拒绝! 那好吧,钱德,你什么时候变成熟了什么时候给我打电话! 行啊,别期望这种事情发生得太快! 我拥有全世界最好的工作!今天一个最可爱的男人光顾了,而且任由我摆布一整天! 瑞秋有新的洋娃娃啦. 哦,我倒希望他是个娃娃,那样我就可以再拿个瑞秋的娃娃,然后把他们贴在一起接吻了. 哦!他还有个最好听的名字,我都没有意识到, 乔舒亚!乔-舒-亚!乔舒亚!乔舒亚! 喂,哈罗! 嗨!! 咦,什么味道? 不知道,闻起来不错. 刚做好的饼干,还热乎着呢! 哦! 欢迎品尝! 唔.. 是啊,我正好在这里闲着, 就做点美味的点心给大家. 哦,最新的'花花公子'! 是啊,我挑的. 饼干和色情杂志,你是全世界最好的老妈! 怎么了?怎么了? 没什么,只是乔舒亚说的关于V型领的事情, 你得在哪儿才明白. 是吗,那个'杰森'怎么说V型领的? 是乔舒亚. 哦,都一样. 等等,这可不是外卖! 我可不想吃了就跑,不过.... 别,等等,别走!我也给你们准备了色情杂志! 哦,我可不要那个. 大家应该留在这里的! 怎么啦?这有什么大不了的? 我是主人!不是那些家伙!我永远是主人! 很小的时候我就是,那时女孩子们带着她们的娃娃来参加我的派对, 连我那里的空气都是最好的. 你怎么不想想现在这是他们的责任了, 每个人都希望呆在大公寓里的. 因为他们抢走了我们的公寓,我想惩罚他们, 我...我也不知道..他们忍受得够久了... 如果你想惩罚他们的话,你还不如让他们呆在这里! 是啊,没错. 那好吧,等我这里都收拾干净了,这里会比他们那里好十倍! 哦?我们可以在他们哪里乱来喽? 该死的楼梯! 该死的狗! 现在你们高兴了吧! 凯茜和那个家伙鬼混到一起了? 什么? 那你还好吧? 我就在她面前,她连拒绝的意思都没有! 我又不住这里! 钱德! 钱德,她怎么说? 等等. 过来. 你确定吗? 我也许喝醉了,可是我很清楚她说了些什么! 后来我就去了那家'茱莉的牛排馆' '查理的牛排馆'? 没错,瞧,你和我一说就明白不是吗? 哟,我说,要不要帮忙? 别,我一个人就可以了. 哦,幸亏我从来不吸尘... 嗨! 我今天和乔舒亚在一起呆了足有一个小时, 他居然没有约我出去.太失败了! 你怎么不约他? 是啊,绝对应该!而且令人兴奋! 是吗?会不会显得太急了些? 哦...那才令人兴奋呢. 他不是刚离婚吗? 是啊. 所以他很可能他对女人还是很紧张,明白吗? 也许你得先跨第一步. 可是我以前从来没有主动约过男孩子的. 从来没有主动约人? 没有,你呢? 上千次了! 好象听起来有损我的形象,是不是? 我都不知道该怎么做. 哦....我一般是这样的,我上下打量一个女人,然后说, '嗨,你好吗?' 哦,算了吧! '嗨,你好吗?' 好啊,那我就这么办了,我得给他打电话, 我来约他,应该没问题,约他出去. 你好吗? 嗨!是乔舒亚吗? 我是布鲁明戴尔公司的瑞秋格林. 哦,我想知道你是不是...你是不是... 今天把你的钱包拉在我们店里了? 是啊,我们找到了一个,而且... 证件? 哦对了,这主意不错! 呃, 对了,让我看看,这上面说这证件是属于一个叫...叫...叫菲比先生的. 好了,那就这样啦,很抱歉打扰了你,明天见吧,再见. 你干这个上千次了? 我可从来没有这么约过人. 天,我只要一想到他会拒绝我我就紧张. 这样,你得给他点他无法拒绝的东西. 象...尼克斯队的球票!邀请那个家伙去看尼克斯的比赛,他肯定不会拒绝. 是吗?你觉得行吗? 肯定行!如果不行的话,就把票给我行不行? 什么声音? 她来电话了吗? 没有,太抱歉了. 算了,也许我应该打电话给她. 不行,忘了她吧,老兄!你不需要她,你用不着那么做! 他说得对,她的所作所为是不可原谅的. 是啊,不过,如果我错了怎么办? 你怎么会错? 我是说,如果她事实上没和他上床怎么办? 千万告诉我她亲口告诉了你. 不用她亲口说! 我看了那场戏,他们之间根本就没有激情.帮我说两句,罗斯! 一切全是你想象出来的? 这是帮我说话吗你! 瞧,你说过什么台下有一腿,台上就演不出来什么的... 哇喔....那只是理论上的呀! 世界上还有很多理论没有实现呢,什么孤胆枪手啦, 共产主义啦,几何学啦.... 哦,天哪!! 你愿意和我一起去看场篮球赛吗? 篮球听起来蛮好笑的,我倒是有两张票... 喔..想不想去看尼克斯比赛? 你觉得怎么样? 嗯,作为一个单身女人, 又没有对象,我觉得你看起来棒极了! 是吗? 没错.看起来棒极了. 是啊,这样看起来棒极了. 这么说你喜欢这件喽? 我很喜欢,我非常喜欢这件,事实上我大概就穿着这个回去了. 好极了. 好了,非常感谢你的帮助. 别客气. 嗯,我想就这样吧,就到此为止吧. 是啊.. 谢谢你了.也许到春天的时候我再来, 你知道,买点浴袍什么的. 呃...你不想现在买吗? 没关系,谢谢了. 没关系. 不管怎么说,以后再见吧. 篮球! 很抱歉. 我有两张今天晚上尼克斯队比赛的球票, 如果你有兴趣的话,就当是感谢你这个星期的光顾了. 哇! 简直太棒了. 真的吗? 是啊,真的太棒了!我的侄子非常喜欢尼克斯队, 这简直太好了,太感谢你了瑞秋. 早上好. 嗨! 嗨. 嗨,我只是...只是想来告诉你我实在非常抱歉. 我知道我我看起来象个全世界最大的傻瓜, 而且我完全能理解你为什么这么不高兴. 哦,我多希望你能先打个电话. 是啊,我知道,我也知道我得先这么做, 不过你知道吗?其实这是件好事. 我们刚刚有了我们的第一次吵架,然后我们就往前走了一步,你明白吗?对我来说.... 尼克的裤子? 是的. 好啊,我们的第二次吵架会来一次大的了! 好了,到下一次,你怎么说? 我有一张多余的票,一张多余的票, 不是两张票,我有一张多余的票. 这么说你第一次主动约男孩出去,他就拒绝了你? 他可没有拒绝我!他不是正在看比赛吗? 我成功地约到他了,我只是没去而已! 好了,一切就绪了,来吧. 什么一切就绪? 来就行了呗. 哦我的天哪. 哇!莫尼卡! 太棒了! 真是太漂亮了! 是你弄的吗?难道你...难道你连着忙了两天? 差不多吧,好啦,你觉得怎么样? 你觉得这地板怎么样? 我不知道,不是和原来的一样吗. 你们以前铺地毯的. 哦,对了! 还有,我做了点小点心,求你们了, 就留在这里吧好吗? 我得让我的眼睛稍微休息一会儿. 我说,莫尼卡,你要不要我们过会再来? 哦别-别-别,就留下吧,留下,随便聊天吧,我永远是主人.... 嗨! 怎么样? 她没和他睡过. 太好了! 现在睡了. 你怎么说的? 我只想说她这个女人....太坏了! 你知道吗,你以为你了解一个人,结果一转身她却和尼克睡了! 尼克,那个胸肌发达的家伙,还有他特大的,男性化的乳头! 我恨他,我也恨她! 其实我也不是怎么恨她,我爱她,这全是我的错,真的. 怎么会,这怎么会是你的错? 因为我应该先打电话给她的! 如果我们吵架以后我先打电话给她的话, 她就不会去和那个尼克搞到一起去了,那他们俩就什么事也不会有了. 是我直接把她推给那个大乳头男人的! 亲爱的,这不是你的错,就算你们吵了一架,她也没有理由去和别人鬼混到一起的. 其实...如果她以为他们俩是处在分手阶段的话.... 瑞秋,看起来你有个顾客把皮夹落在这里了..呃...乔舒亚.伯金斯. 是吗? 你能不能打个电话给他? 没问题,我当然可以! 你好,瑞秋. 嗨,乔舒亚. 我是有意落下我的皮夹的. 真的吗? 是啊,我就是想再见你一面. 我太高兴了. 瑞秋,我想对你说... 什么? 你好吗?
The One With Rachel's Crush
[Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there to watch the premiere of Kathy’s play.]
Chandler: Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play!
Ross: People can hear you.
Chandler: I know!!
(The play starts.)
Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesn’t she?
(Onstage there’s a knock on the door and Kathy opens it. We don’t see what’s going on, only hear it.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Hi!
Ross: That is one good looking man!
Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?!
Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, you’ve been doing this long?
Kathy: No, you’re my first. Put the money on the table.
(Ross and Chandler have stunned looks on their faces as Kathy and her co-star start making out.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, that’s nice. (They start making out harder.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse?
Kathy: If you want it to be.
(Kathy’s co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross. Chandler’s mouth is on the floor.)
Ross: Here’s your girlfriend’s button. (Holding the button.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is still unpacking after the move, and Phoebe is their also.]
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school?
Monica: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why?
Phoebe: Well, it’s just that maternity clothes are so expensive.
Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just…(Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it)…throw your purses at it.
Rachel: Bloomingdale’s eliminated my department. (Phoebe gasps)
Monica: Oh my God, are you out of a job?
Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down!
Phoebe: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy?
Phoebe: That sounds great!
Joey: (entering) Hey! (Goes to the fridge.)
Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can’t eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended.
Joey: (Holding a turkey leg) There’s gravy?
Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, that’s your department now. (She takes back the turkey leg)
(Joey climbs up on the counter and starts looking at the top of the cabinets.)
Monica: What are you doing?
Joey: I think I left a donut up here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are entering after the play. Phoebe and Joey are already there.]
Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathy’s play?
Ross: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin’ guy.
Chandler: Yeah, it’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!
Phoebe: That’s a good idea for a business!
Chandler: I’m totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they’re gonna go to their cast parties and he’s gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it’ll be like, "So where’s your boyfriend, what’s-his-name, Chester?" And she’ll go, "No-no-no, it’s Chandler." And he’ll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Joey: (to Ross) That-that is a good trick.
Chandler: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do?
Joey: Chandler, look they’re actors. They’re there to do a job, just ‘cause they work together, doesn’t mean they’re gonna get together. I mean just ‘cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen with them.
Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
Joey: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
Phoebe: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.
Ross: They’re not a couple!
Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now.
Joey: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot?
Ross: Oh yeah!
Joey: Well okay, so then you’re fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as it’s hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It’s when the heat goes away, that’s when you’re in trouble.
Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play I’ve ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on stage?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the gang minus Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast. Ross and Chandler are sitting at the foosball table and eating.]
Chandler: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight?
Ross: Y’know what, I don’t know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend.
Chandler: Yeah, I know but…
Ross: Oh no-no-no, I’m there.
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes?
Monica: You made pancakes?
Joey: Yep! Grab a plate.
Monica: Okay. (She does so and starts to walk towards Joey to receive her pancakes.)
Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin’ closer.
Chandler: Okay, okay, but don’t worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I’m fairly certain are the same thing.
Joey: Listen also we’re uh, we’re watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over.
Ross: Oh yeah!
Monica: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game.
Joey: Oh yeah, who’s playing?
Monica: The players.
Ross: Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess.
Monica: (laughs) Please, it’s a relief is what it is, is what it is.
Joey: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate!
Phoebe: Oh. (Joey flips the pancake and Phoebe catches it and throws it on her plate.)
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job.]
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! (Pause) I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up as her boss, Mr. Waltham, walks in.) Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you.
Mr. Waltham: In a moment, please, I’m in the middle of a task. And you have a customer.
(It’s a really good-looking man, Joshua, that Rachel has an instant crush on. Well actually it’s Tate Donovan, so it’s not like she’s really testing her acting skills.)
Joshua: Hi, I’m Joshua.
Rachel: Hi, I’m Rachel Green. What can I do for you Joshua?
Joshua: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My wife, well my ex-wife…
Rachel: Oh, I’m so sorry.
(He walks over to look and some clothes and Rachel quickly turns around and adjusts her bra, trying to show off her assets.)
Joshua: Anyway, she burned all of my clothes. I got away with two things. This suit and what turned out to be a skirt.
Rachel: Well, at least that’s a great suit.
Joshua: Yeah, but it wasn’t much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt. (Rachel laughs) So I need everything down to underwear, so if you’re willing, I’m all yours.
Mr. Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to me?
Rachel: No-no, that wasn’t me! (To Joshua) Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. (Joshua turns at that) The selection of underwear we carry.
(He walks out and Rachel stares at his butt as he leaves. He makes a wrong turn.)
Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, it’s this way, it’s this way. (Motions to the correct way.)
Joshua: It’s this way? Sorry. (He walks past her and she again admires his butt.)
[Scene: Kathy’s play, Ross and Chandler are waiting for her in the lobby after the play.]
Chandler: I’m right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there’s no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means!
Ross: All right, let’s not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them.
Chandler: Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there!
Ross: Here she comes. Don’t say a word, okay? Just be cool, don’t be…y'know you.
Kathy: Hey you guys!
Kathy: Hi! (Kisses Chandler) Thank you so much for coming again. Did you like it tonight?
Ross: Oh, absolutely! (Chandler mumbles something.)
Kathy: Wasn’t Nick funny when he couldn’t get his match lit?
(Chandler laughs without opening his mouth.)
Kathy: It’s a good play, isn’t it?
(Chandler mumbles something, and Ross tells him to "Come on.")
Chandler: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you’re having sex with him.
Ross: Okay, I… (Walks away.)
Kathy: Clearly, I’m having sex with him?
Chandler: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two!
Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You’re accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance?
Chandler: Y’know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you’re up there every night, you’re naked, touching, kissing.
Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I’m-I’m playing a part in a play! How can you not trust me?!
Chandler: Well, you can understand, given how we started.
Kathy: Oh, wow. I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face.
Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I don’t even see you denying this!
Kathy: I’ll tell you what, Chandler, why don’t you call me when you grow up!
Chandler: Yeah, well, don’t expect that to happen anytime soon!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are there eating pizza as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over today, and I got to dress him up all day!
Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll.
Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh.
Ross: Uh, hello!
Phoebe: Ooh, what do I smell?
Joey: I don’t know, it smells good.
(He goes over and opens the door to reveal Monica holding a plate of cookies and a fan to blow the smell across the hall.)
Monica: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven!
Phoebe: Ooh! (They all go over to her apartment)
Monica: Please, have some!
Ross: Oh, yumm!
Monica: Yeah, I’ve just been fiddling around in here making delicious treats for everyone.
Joey: (Holding a magazine) Wow! The new Playboy!
Monica: Yeah, it’s just something I picked up.
Ross: Cookies and porn, you’re the best mom ever!!
(Rachel laughs hysterically for no reason.)
Phoebe: What? What?
Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be there.
Ross: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck?
Rachel: It’s Joshua.
Ross: Oh, whatever. (Laughs and gives Joey the thumbs up heading back to his apartment. Joey follows him)
Monica: Wait! Wait! This isn’t take-out!
Phoebe: (getting up) Well, I hate to eat and run, but…
Monica: No, wait, please don’t go! I’ve got porn for you too!
Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t need it.
Monica: People are supposed to wanna hang out here!
Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal?
Monica: I’m the hostess! Not those guys! I’m always the hostess! I mean, I was always the hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the girls brought their dollies to my tea party, I-I served the best air.
Phoebe: Well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of y'know, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment?
Monica: ‘Cause they took our apartment, I wanted to punish them. But I’m-I’m done now. They’ve suffered enough.
Phoebe: If you wanted to punish them, you should’ve just made them hang out here!
Rachel: Yeah, that’s true.
Monica: All right then, when I’m done with this place, it’s gonna be ten times better than that place!
Phoebe: Oh, are we gonna trash that place?
(Chandler comes back, obviously drunk, and trips over the steps.)
Chandler: Steps! (He opens the door to his apartment to Ross and Joey looking at the new Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the Playboy behind their backs. Chandler wonders into the girl’s apartment.) You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy!
Ross: So you were right?
Chandler: I confronted her, and she didn’t deny it! (Pause) I don’t live here! (Goes back into his apartment and they all follow him.)
Rachel: Chandler, what did she say?
Phoebe: Wait a minute.
Joey: Come here.
Monica: Are you sure?
Chandler: Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julie’s…
Rachel: Beefsteak Charlie’s?
Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been like—(motions that they think the same.)
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Monica is lugging one of those floor polishing machines through the hallway. Rachel comes up the steps and stops when she sees Monica.]
Rachel: Whoops. (Starts to go into Chandler and Joey’s.) Oh, hey, do you need help with that?
Monica: Nah, I got it.
Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. (She goes into Chandler and Joey’s.)
[Cut to inside the apartment.]
Rachel: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. It’s just so frustrating!
Phoebe: Why don’t you ask him out?
Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! That’s such a turn-on!
Rachel: Really? It doesn’t seem desperate?
Joey: Oh-ooh, that’s the turn-on.
Phoebe: He just got a divorce right?
Phoebe: So he’s probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move.
Rachel: Yeah but, I’ve never asked a guy out before.
Phoebe: (shocked) You’ve never asked a guy out?!!
Rachel: No. Have you?
Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesn’t make me sound too good does it?
Rachel: I don’t even know how I would go about it.
Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin’?"
Phoebe: Oh, please!
Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin’?
(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)
Rachel: You know what, I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna call him up, and I’m gonna ask him out. I can do that. Ask him out. (Practising) How you doin’? (Calls him) Hi! Joshua? It’s Rachel Green from Bloomingdale’s. (Listens) Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left your wallet at the store today? Well, we found a wallet, and we—(Listens) the license? Well, that is a good idea! Uh, well, let’s see here this says this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to bother you at home. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye. (Hangs up) (to Phoebe) You’ve done that a thousand times?
Phoebe: I’ve never done that.
Rachel: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he would say no.
Joey: Well, you gotta give him something that he can’t say no too. Like uh, Knicks tickets! Invite the guy to a Knicks game, you’re guaranteed he’ll say yes!
Rachel: Really?! You think that will work?
Joey: Absolutely! And if it doesn’t, can I get the extra ticket?
(We hear a noise coming from Monica and Rachel’s apartment.)
Joey: What the heck is that?
(They go open the door and reveal Monica being spun around on the floor polisher and getting the cord wrapped around her legs.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are watching a movie as Chandler comes in from his bedroom.]
Chandler: Did she call?
Phoebe: No, sorry.
Chandler: All right, maybe I should call her.
Joey: No! Forget her, man! You don’t need her, you don’t need that!
Ross: He’s right, what she did was unforgivable.
Chandler: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong?
Ross: How might you be wrong?
Chandler: Well y'know, what if she didn’t actually sleep with the guy?
Joey: Dude, tell me she actually told you this.
Chandler: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross!
Ross: That’s all you’re basing this on?
Chandler: That’s not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There’s a lot of theories that didn’t pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.
Chandler: Oh my God!!
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job, she is waiting for Joshua and practising how to ask him out.]
Rachel: Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? (Tries again.) You know, its funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets too… (Tries again.) Umm, who likes the Knicks—(Joshua comes in from the dressing room.)
Joshua: What do you think?
Rachel: Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great!
Joshua: Huh. (She starts brushing the lint off and checking him out in the mirror.) Yeah?
Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. (She puts her arm in his and checks how they would look as a couple.) Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great. (Pause) Umm, so you like it?
Joshua: I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think I’m gonna wear it home.
Joshua: All right, thank you so much for all your help.
Joshua: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it.
Joshua: Thanks. (He starts to leave) Maybe I’ll see in the spring, with the uh, y’know, for the uh, bathing suits.
Rachel: Oh well, you don’t want to do that now?!
Joshua: Ah, that’s okay, thanks.
Joshua: Anyway, hopefully, I’ll see you around sometime. (He goes out the door.)
Joshua: (coming back in) I’m sorry.
Rachel: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you’re interested, just as a thank you for this week.
Joshua: Wow! That would be great.
Joshua: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel. (He takes the tickets and leaves as Mr. Waltham returns.)
Mr. Waltham: Good morning.
(Mr. Waltham admires Joshua’s butt as he leaves.)
[Scene: Kathy’s apartment, Chandler is knocking on the door.]
Kathy: (opening the door) Hey.
Chandler: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I’m sorry. Y’know? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset.
Kathy: Oh wow. I really wish you’d call me.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but y’know I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? ‘Cause we’ve had our first fight, and now we can move on. Y’know, I know for me—(Notices a pair of men’s pants on the chair.) Nick’s pants?
Chandler: Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is debriefing Rachel on her rejection earlier that day and telling her what she should’ve done. Ross and Phoebe are watching.]
Joey: Okay, for next time, what do you say?
Rachel: I have an extra ticket. An extra ticket. Not, two tickets, I have an extra ticket.
Ross: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he turns you down?
Rachel: He didn’t turn me down! He’s at the game isn’t he? I got the date, I’m just not on it!
Monica: (entering) Okay, it’s ready. Come on.
Joey: What’s ready?
Monica: Just come.
(They all go over to her apartment.)
Ross: Oh my God!
Rachel: Wow! Monica!
Ross: This is beautiful!
(She has cleaned it, completely redecorated it, removed the carpet, and polished the floor.)
Phoebe: Oh did you—what did you—did you work for two days straight?
Monica: Pretty much. (to Joey) So, what do you, what do you think of the floor?
Joey: I don’t know, it looks the same.
Monica: You used to have carpet.
Joey: Oh yeah!
Monica: So I made snacks. Please, just hang out okay? I’m just gonna rest my eyes just a little bit.
Ross: Look, Mon, do you want us to uh, come back later?
Monica: Oh no-no-no, stay, stay, stay, just keep talking. I’m always the hostess.
Joey: How’d it go?
Chandler: Well, she wasn’t sleeping with him.
Phoebe: Oh good!
Chandler: She is now.
Ross: What are you saying?
Chandler: I’m saying that she… is a devil woman! Y’know I mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I don’t hate her, I love her. This is all my fault really.
Phoebe: How? How is your fault?
Chandler: Because, I-I should’ve called! Y’know if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would’ve gone out with Nick, and they would’ve ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples!
Rachel: Honey, this is not your fault, just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify her sleeping with someone.
Ross: Well, if-if she thought they were on a break…
(They all turn and glare at him.)
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is sitting at her desk as Mr. Waltham comes in.]
Mr. Waltham: Rachel, one of your customers seems to have left his billfold. A Joshua Bergen.
Mr. Waltham: Will you call him?
Rachel: Yes! I will! Absolutely! (She takes out his license and her license and holds them face to face with each other. She then proceeds to act like Dark Helmut in Spaceballs, and mimic a conversation between the two of them.) Hello, Rachel. Hi, Joshua. I left my wallet here on purpose. Really? Yes, I just wanted to see you again. Oh, I’m glad. Rachel, I’d like to say something to you. Yes? How you doin’?