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老友记第四季The One With Joey Dirty Day

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好吧,这是什么? 咯咯叫的虫子。 那这个呢? 呵呵傻笑的萤火虫。 你太搞笑了。 嗨,这个是什么? 哦,去年剩下来的三明治。 哦,Geller有鱼上钩了,看起来不小呀! Yeah,哦!哦!这场争斗,是典型的,人和...... 有人把台灯撞到了。 无所谓了。 嗨,你们知道今年钓鱼好在那儿么? 当老爸把我从湖中心救出来,问我: “Joey,你这辈子要怎么办呀?”的时候,我可以说: “我正和Charlton Heston拍电影呢,你这辈子呢?” 说得好! 你们没必要因为我来,就不继续开心了, Kathy并没有欺骗你们啊! 好吧,除了你! 嗨,Joey,我觉得你不该让Chandler一个人。 你想,他和Kathy分手才2天呀。 也许你可以下周去钓鱼? 可是,现在我什么忙都帮不上。 他还是伤心欲绝,这才是第一阶段呢。 等到第二阶段的时候我就回来了, 我永远也不会错过第二阶段的。 第二阶段是什么? 喝的烂醉,然后去看脱衣舞。 看脱衣舞对他能有什么帮助? 那里有好多裸体mm呀。 Oh! 而且还可以帮他到达第三阶段, 幻想自己和别的女人在一起。 当然是没穿衣服的那种。 Yeah。 就让我清静一下,好么!? 那,这些和上周你给我选的夹克配吗? Um-hmm,很好嘛,就是它了。 Oh! 你知道还缺什么嘛? 手套,棕色的毛手套。 Oh,好吧,让我瞧瞧你的手,尺寸多大? 嗯,这只很大么,这个呢? 也很大? Yeah! 好吧,两只大的马上就来! 好的。 Rachel! 你现在有空么? 什么事? 你瞧,我侄女刚从伦敦过来。说来唐突,不过, 她正好和你一般大,我这里碰巧有歌剧《蝙蝠》的票, 不知道你今晚能不能陪她去看呢? 当然可以了,没问题!算我一个! 《蝙蝠》,太好了! 不过我得 ...... Ohh! 好的。 谢谢你,谢谢你,太感谢你了! 好了么? 什么? 手套? Ohh! 对了,对了,我马上回来。 Uhh,其实我得走了。 Oh。 不过,不知道你今晚有空么? 有,当然有了! 我投资了一家夜总会,它今晚开业,你想去看看么? 当然了! 那太好了! 你S&M的狂热分子吧? 其实,我...... 开玩笑的!我会早些到, 然后把你列到V。I。P名单上,记得找我! Yeah,好啊,那当然了! 那晚上见了。 我差点儿忘了给你票,是吧? 什么? 你和Emily,今晚《蝙蝠》的票。 Oh,是的。 你们肯定会喜欢的,“三高”之二都有出场。 哦,是么? 真不敢相信,Kathy会这么对我。 我把她当作是自己今生的唯一伴侣。 好吧,算了,从现在开始, 我再也不会离开这张椅子了! 从现在开始,这椅子就是我的唯一! 你们知道还有什么也是么?我的运动裤。 别这样,老兄!把裤子脱下来好么? 快脱吧,我们来乐一乐! Hey-hey! Hi! Hey! 抓到大鱼了么? 哦,天呀,你们肯定不信。 Oh! 天呀!你好臭呀!你这是怎么了? 整整三天,待在湖上没洗过澡, 而且,还摔倒放诱饵的盆子里去了。 嗨,他怎么样了? 他已经两天没离开过那张椅子了。 嗨,哥们,怎么了? 嗨,看见了么! 他在等兄弟我回来呢。 好了,我要去记我的台词了。 我和Charlton Heston 明儿一大清早! Yeah-yeah! Hey! Hey! Hey, Monica! Uh-oh, 怎么了? Ohh,Joshua 邀请我今晚去一家刚开业的高级夜总会。 可我答应了Waltham先生,带他侄女去看什么破歌剧。唉,我能怎么办呢? 我也不知道,亲爱的。 不!帮帮我! 不行啊!我要工作! Phoebe? 我倒是愿意,不过我晚上有妊娠反应。 除非!她想整晚都过不安生。 Ohh,天哪,你们......我必须去见Joshua, 这是让他看到我令人开心一面的唯一机会。 也许,他会想:“要是Rachel是我老婆该多好呀!” Ohh,算了! Joey 和 Chandler还没回来么? 没有,Chandler还在他的第一阶段, Joey身上的味道你总该闻见了吧? Ohh! Ohh! Hi! Hi! 那你呢...... 不行。 Ohhhh, 帮帮忙! 可能是她来了。 别!等等!等等!Ross, 求求你了! 你想让我带个素未谋面的女孩去看歌剧, 而你,却可以去夜总会和别的男人调情,Hmm, 这确实有点儿难决断。 Ohh, 她在四处张望。 Oh! 她正在看我! 等等,这洞从外面看不进来,是吧? Hello! Hello! 我马上就出来! Ross, 求求你,帮帮忙吧! 我们之间的事,都过去了, 现在因该为了对方的幸福而感到高兴才是。 难道只是我这样想么? 好吧,我答应你。 谢谢!Emily? 我是! 我是Rachel Green。 谢天谢地。 原本的计划有点儿小小的变化, 我今晚突然有事,所以...... 是么?那真是太巧了,不是么? 我肯定错过你的电话了,尽管我一整天都没离开过半步。 Oh 不,其实我。。。。。 不不不,你还算好啦! 我这一路上,差点儿被你们运灌肠的大车撞倒, 还在约翰 F。肯尼迪机场被人脱衣服搜身, 对你们这里的人来说, 我就像是过街老鼠一样,人人喊打。 我-我-我觉得你还好呀。 再见!真是高兴,能认识你们。 我去追她。 那还不去? 她们说话的方式真好玩。 Ohh! 怎么了? 踢我了,孩子踢我了! 噢,上帝呀! Oh 不,等等,糟糕,我内裤的松紧断了。 天哪,我睡过头了! 半小时前就要到场的,我该走了! 等等,Joey, 你不能这样就出去吧?臭死了! 没办法啊,我还没洗澡就睡着了,现在也没时间了。 布景地只有10个街区远,我跑着去,或许还能赶上。 那是,跑10个街区,你的臭味就没了。 嘿!你,慢点。 算了,快跑! Wow! 昨晚和Joshua玩得怎样呀? 唉,我根本就没见到Joshua, 不过,我倒是给了个女的脸上一拳。 什么? 为什么? 昨晚糟糕透了,倾盆大雨,当我到的时候, 名单上没有Rachel Green, 只有Rachel Greep。 Ohh! 那你见到她了么? 没有,根本就没有Rachel Greep, 可是有个女的听到了,她大声嚷嚷到: “我就是Rachel Greep! 我就是Rachel Greep!” 然后他们就让她进去了。 然后你就朝她脸上打了一拳? 没有,她已经进去了, 可是我后面那个肥娘们想偷我的伞,被我一拳揍在脸上。 Ohhh! 真不敢相信,我只是想在下班后见见Joshua。 他可以和我走得更近,然后开始喜欢上我。 噢, Pheebs。。 亲爱的,那是你的名字。 那是Phoebe的简称么? 我一直以为我们用它来称呼彼此。 嘿!你穿上外裤了? 是的,男人们都到哪里去了? 我已经做好喝醉的准备,去看脱衣舞。 可现在是早上9:30呀! 他们那里有自助早餐的。 你好,Oh,你好Ross! Ooh, 让我和他讲话! Oh-oh,天呀! 能不能让我。。。。。 嘘!等会儿,什么? 她嘘我,这是我的电话,她还嘘我! 嘘!别说话!他说什么? 他和Emily在佛莫特州的一个旅馆。 什么?哦,天哪! 什么?Emily是谁?不。。。。。 他们在佛莫特! 怎么会这样? 嗷! 怎么会?他怎么会在佛莫特和那个妖精胡搞? 也许,她没有一直打他。 我们初次见她的时候,她浑身湿透了, 脚也是湿的,谁能比她更可怜? 可当我给她换了双鞋之后, 她完全变了个人。 Ross! 快来看!外面有支鹿在吃果园里的水果呢。 我要挂了,外面有支鹿在吃果园里的水果。 他挂了,说:“外面有支鹿在吃果园里的水果。” 真想不通! 她那么讨厌! 好吧,我站到那边去。 你这么在意干嘛? 我才不在意呢。我只是有点儿心烦, 因为我和Joshua还什么都不是。 不过,这也太过分了。 刚认识,就和别人飞到佛莫特去鬼混。 可是,你刚认识Barry的时候,还不是飞到Vail去了。 Oh,你能不能,就偶尔一次, 不记得这些琐。。。屑。。。小事? 你知道他什么时候回来么? 几天后吧。 我就料到会有这种事情发生的。 你干嘛?Chandler,你不能再退回到第一阶段! 我当然可以,你说的是时间,你不能让时光倒流。 你为什么不,不继续你的第二阶段, 和我们一起去看脱衣舞表演呢? 是呀,来吧,我们可以扮男的。 不,你们不行。 怎么了,不就是扮男的嘛, 也许我们本来就想当男的呢! 你们不会想当男的,男人浑身都是毛,而且活不长。 你,你别再唧唧歪歪了, 脱掉它,然后我们一起去看裸女跳舞。 好吧。 对不起。 嗨! Joey Tribbiani! 我来了!我来了! 镇定一下,还有时间,我们开始地迟了一些。 瞧哪儿,Charlton Heston 在吃甘草梗。 恩,他很喜欢吃的,我从没见过他...... 哇!这儿怎么了?什么味道这么难闻? 你呀! 我明白你为什么这么想, 不过,你知道实际上我怎么想的吗? 不是你么? 不 - 不是,其实上是,是Heston。 什么? 就是他身上的,闻起来像是去钓了三天的鱼, 然后又吃了那么多甘草梗。 不可能是他呀,他刚从更衣室里洗了澡出来。 是么?洗过澡了?嗯,是哪个房间来着? 门上写着“Heston”的那间。 是么...... 嗨,我这里有些一美元的纸币, 你想把它们放到她的三角裤里么? 不用了,谢谢,老妈! Oh,别,那个,你得把烟掐掉,因为我怀孕了。 那你和你的孩子该到别的脱衣舞夜总会去了。 呵-呵,这不是我的孩子,呵-呵-呵! 很好,很好。 我很喜欢,表演的非常棒。 我刚查了留言,Joshua没打电话过来。 难道我没去他的夜总会,他一点儿都不担心么? 哦,更糟的是,Ross 却还在佛莫特逍遥快活! 别烦了,看看你们现在在那里! 麻烦给我们每人一杯鸡尾酒。 别忘了,我还要个处男。 Oh! 走之前别忘了告诉我地毯旁边那个帅哥的名字。 哦,算了吧,我这就回家给Kathy打电话。 如果你觉得会有帮助的话。 不,我只是试试。几小时后我就会烂醉如泥, 也许会给Kathy打电话,你们可一定要阻止我呀。 然后,如果我醉的一塌糊涂了, 说不定还会打电话给Janice的。 你确实该打了!她现在怎么样? Ohhh!! 我想有人肯定会觉得表演还不够过瘾。 Hello!谁在里面? 你好! 你到底是谁? 如果我说是Kurt Douglas,你肯定不信,是吧? 穿上裤子,我要踢你屁股。 别-别-别,等一下,你瞧,我是个演员。 Joey Tribbiani,我今天和你配戏,可我太臭了...... 你也有戏? 是,戏里你的倔脾气得罪了所有警察,我演警察甲 对不起,实在对不起,我太臭了。 Joey, 是吧? 是的。 每个演员总有时候会 ......噢! 会觉得自己很臭,就算是Lawrence Oliver也一样, Bob Redford甚至都不敢正眼瞧自个儿。 噢,不-不-不,你没明白我...... 听我说! 好的,好的。 我就不相信任何一个称职的演员, 在他整个事业期里就从没说过:“天哪,我太臭了!” 我刚在外面演了一场戏,还不是弄得一团糟。 可是,最重要的是你要记住的, 不管你觉得自己有多臭, 永远也别闯到我的更衣室来,用我的淋浴! 你听明白了么? 是的,是的,我这就。。。。。 慢着,拿上你的裤子。 好的,好的。 我们在脱衣舞夜总会表现得不错吧? Oh 是的,很好,谢谢你们! 那里最性感的鸡尾酒女招待都想辞职去教三年级了。 真不敢相信,他还没打电话过来。 谁?Josh? 是Joshua。。 他不喜欢被人开玩笑么? 不,是我不喜欢! 好吧,我去穿回我的运动服。 Oh 别!等一下,好吧,你是对的,我们扮不好男人, 可你知道为什么吗?因为我们是女人。 Yeah? 那你知道女人最擅长什么吗? 跳脱衣舞! 不,是倾听!坐下来! 也许只要你说出来,就会很有帮助的。 是呀,说吧,你心里都在想些什么? 当然了,如果你想哭的话,也没问题的。 好了,也许我该让你们都离开一会儿。 别这样,Chandler! 哦,算了吧,我们努力过了,第三阶段注定无法实现。 那些脱衣女郎都野性十足, 可我就是无法幻想自己和她们中的任何一个。 她们真的很漂亮,不是么? Oh! 哪个? Yeah,我最喜欢那个救火笼驾驶员。 Oh,Candy! 她火花四射! Yeah。 如果,我们想和女人在一起的话, 那,那一定要找像Michelle一样的, 她简直太,太姣美了。 是么?我到没这么想,如果是我,我会选Chantal。 Oh,Chantal! 哦,上帝呀! 她的皮肤好光滑呀! 当我把一美元塞到她G带里面,手轻擦过她大腿的时候。。。。。 第三阶段!我终于到了第三阶段! 是么? 我现在满脑子想的都是你们和那些女人们在一起! 可,那不是第三阶段啊。 不过,我也在里面! 哦,我们都在一起吗,像个团体似的? 别说了!你们杀掉我吧! 我想我就要到达第四阶段了! Oh! 那是什么?那是什么呢? 我什么关系都不想要! 只想和那些脱衣女郎还有我的朋友们做爱! 别这样,让我看看你的笑脸。 我高兴不起来。 试一下! 我想去脱衣舞夜总会! 我知道,你有的是机会,我可以毫不夸张地说, 外面有成千上万的女人等着和我胡搞呢。 是的,好吧。 嗨 嗨,你在佛蒙特过得如何? Emily 简直是。。。。。难以置信, 我是说好得无法形容,整个周末就像一场梦。 Oh! 还有你,Rach! Oh, 嗨! 嗨! 你说得太对了! 什么? 你说的,我们因该为彼此的幸福而高兴才是。 我是说,我,我得承认开始并没有这样想。 因为一想到你和那个叫Josh的小子。。。。 Joshua。 叫Joshua的小子在夜总会, 跳舞乐逍遥,那种感觉有点儿。。。。你懂么? 是的,我。。。 可是现在!我完全想通了!我现在和你想法一样! 噢,谢天谢地! 还要,谢谢你让我认识Emily。 Oh,没什么,我很高兴我能帮上忙,也为你高兴! 为你高兴! 不!为你高兴! 好吧,女士们,我们马上将要做的是。。。 你来脱掉我的衣服, 你们两个去把涂油拿来。 你们只要用最大的声音不停地叫: “Chandler吾王!Chandler吾王!” 我,我想和她在一起,我喜欢她。 Oh,好吧!按本能自由选择,自由选择。 等一会儿,我要干什么来着? 拜托!你能不能专心一点儿,我随时都有可能梦醒! Hi,我是Joshua,我来接Rachel。 不-不-不,他不是Joshua。 我又没见过他,管他的呢,Rachel, 不好意思你得走了,我们其它的人还有好多要干呢! 你干嘛?好吧,听着,我要醒了!

The One With Joey’s Dirty Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.]

Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now?

Joey: Guggly worm.

Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And this?

Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer.

Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny.

Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what’s this?

Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich)

Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller’s got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It’s the classic struggle between man and—(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp.

Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) That’s all right. Hey you guys, you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?"

All: Great!

(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.)

Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here. Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)

Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week?

Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.

Monica: What’s Phase Two?

Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club.

Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?

Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.

Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.

Ross: There are naked ladies there too.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.]

Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?

Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is.

Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need?

Rachel: Yeah!

Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. (Grabs his hand.) You’re about—well uh, this one is large. And this one—(Grabs the other hand.)

Joshua: Also large?

Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!

Joshua: Okay.

Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?

Rachel: Yes.

Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London—well Shropshire really but y’know—well she’s about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep her company this evening?

Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great!

Mr. Waltham: Oh, good.

Rachel: Me, Fledermaus, great. I really—(motions to Joshua.)

Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.

Joshua: So…(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?")

Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.)

Joshua: Gloves?

Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back!

Joshua: Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda—I have to take off.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?

Rachel: No! Nothing!

Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would you like to come?

Rachel: Yeah! That would be great!

Joshua: You’re into hardcore S&M right?

Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess—I…

Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I’m gonna get there early, but I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.

Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha!

Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I?

Rachel: What?

Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus.

Rachel: Oh. Oh, right.

Mr. Waltham: I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three tenors.

Rachel: Oh yay!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.]

Chandler: Y’know, I can’t believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I’m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants!

Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take ‘em off and we’ll have some fun.

Joey: (entering) Hey-hey!

Ross: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.)

Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea.

All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow!

Monica: You stink!

Ross: Are you kidding?!

Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how’s he doing?

Ross: He hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days.

Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How’s it going?

(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)

Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I’ve got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, Monica!

Monica: Uh-oh, what’s the matter?

Rachel: Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So… What are you gonna do?

Monica: I don’t know sweetie.

Rachel: No! Help me!

Monica: I can’t! I have to work!

Rachel: Phoebe?

Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.

Rachel: Ugh!

Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.

Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is—I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the "Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?

Monica: No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you smell.

Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: So….

Ross: No.

Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!!

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Monica: I think she’s here.

Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!

Ross: You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.

Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she’s looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can’t see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!

Woman: Hello! (Monica screams)

Rachel: I’ll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?

Ross: All right, I’ll do it.

Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily?

Emily: Yes.

Rachel: I’m Rachel Green.

Emily: Thank goodness.

Rachel: There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I’m not free tonight. So…

Emily: Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve missed your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day.

Rachel: Oh well, no I…

Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with a trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who’s got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.

Monica: I-I-I think you look great.

Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)

(Pause)

Rachel: I’ll get her.

Ross: Please hurry.

Phoebe: Don’t you just love the way they talk?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: Ohh!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.

Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!

Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can’t go like that! You stink!

Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don’t have time! They’re just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.

Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that’ll help the smell.

(He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)

Rachel: Hey—whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow!

Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night?

Rachel: Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Why?

Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.

Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?

Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in.

Monica: So you hit her in the face?

Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.

Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.

Rachel: Honey, that’s you’re name.

Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other!

(Chandler enters from his bedroom.)

Monica: Hey! You’re wearing pants!

Chandler: That’s right! Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers.

Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning!

Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.

(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!

Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him!

Monica: Oh-oh, my God!

Chandler: Well, can I just…

Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?

Chandler: She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me!

Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying?

Monica: He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!

Phoebe: What? Oh my God!

Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily—(realises) noooo!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.]

Rachel: They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits Chandler.)

Chandler: Ow!

Rachel: How—how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.)

Chandler: Maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time.

[cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]

Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.

Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!

Ross: I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)

[cut back to Chandler and Joey’s.]

Monica: He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.

Rachel: I don’t get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)

Chandler: Okay, I’m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)

Monica: Why do you care so much anyway?

Rachel: I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that I’m getting nowhere with Joshua that—y’know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!

Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.

Rachel: Oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every…little…thing!! (Storms out.)

Chandler: So y’know, uh, when’s he getting back?

Monica: A couple of days.

Chandler: Y’know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)

Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can’t just go back a phase!

Chandler: Yes you can. You’re thinking about time, you can’t go back in time.

Phoebe: Well, look, why don’t you just, why don’t you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us.

Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys!

Chandler: (laughs) No you can’t.

Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys!

Chandler: You don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and wouldn’t live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)

Phoebe: Y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!

Chandler: Okay. (Starts to cry)

Phoebe: I’m sorry. (Goes and hugs him)

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.]

Joey: (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I’m here! I’m here!

The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we’re running a little late.

(Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a liquorice whip.)

Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!

The A.D: Yeah, we loves ‘em. I’ve never seen him with—(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)

Joey: (trying to act like he’s not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad?

The A.D: You.

Joey: Y’know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is?

The A.D: You?

Joey: No-no, it’s uh, it’s Heston.

The A.D: What?

Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice.

The A.D: There’s no way he smells, he’s the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.

Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?

The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it.

Joey: Interesting.

[Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn’t enjoying himself.]

Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, I’ve got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?

Chandler: No thanks, Mom!

(A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)

Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, ‘cause I’m pregnant.

The Cigarette Smoking Guy: (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files.) Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.

Phoebe: Ha-ha, it’s not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.)

(The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)

Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer’s hot pants) so good.

Phoebe: (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.

Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn’t call. I mean you’d think he’d be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!

Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!!

Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.

Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please.

Monica: Oh! And don’t let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy.

Chandler: Ahh, come on! Y’know what—y’know what, I think I’m just gonna go home and call Kathy.

Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help.

Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I’m gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I’m gonna get so drunk, I’m gonna wanna call Janice

Phoebe: You should! How is she?

Chandler: Ohhh!!

Monica: I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.)

[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston’s dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.]

Charlton Heston: Hello! Who’s in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.)

Joey: How ya doin’?

Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you?

Joey: I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?

Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.

Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I’m an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I’m doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.

Charlton Heston: (shocked) You’re in this picture?

Joey: Yeah-yeah, I’m one of the cops that won’t work with you ‘cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I’m really sorry, but I stink!

Charlton Heston: Joey, right?

Joey: Yeah.

Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or another—opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won’t even watch himself.

Joey: Oh no-no-no, you don’t understand…

Charlton Heston: Listen to me!

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah.

Charlton Heston: I don’t know one actor worth his salt that didn’t say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?!

Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, I’m-I’m—(he starts to leave)

Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants.

Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are returning from the strip club.]

Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right?

Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!

Rachel: (entering) I can’t believe it! He still hasn’t called.

Phoebe: Who, Josh?

Rachel: It’s Joshua.

Monica: What, he doesn’t like Josh?

Rachel: No, I don’t.

Chandler: All right, well I’m gonna put my sweats back on.

Phoebe: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y’know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? Because we’re girls.

Chandler: Yeah?

Phoebe: And do you know what girls are really good at?

Chandler: Stripping!

Phoebe: No, listening! Sit! Y’know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk.

Rachel: Yeah, come on! What’s going in on in there? (Pats his chest.)

Monica: Yeah. And y’know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too.

Chandler: Okay, look, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave.

Monica: Come on! Chandler!

Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn’t picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)

Monica: They really were pretty, weren’t they? (Rachel and Phoebe both agree)

Phoebe: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one.

Monica: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Y’know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) It’d, it’d be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite.

Rachel: See, I don’t know, for me it would have to Chantal.

Monica: Oh, Chantal!

Rachel: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh…

Chandler: (jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women!

Monica: That’s-that’s not Phase Three.

Chandler: Well, I’m there too!

Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group?

Chandler: Stop it! You’re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!

Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that?

Chandler: Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey up about missing Phase Two.]

Chandler: Come on, let me see that smile.

Joey: I don’t wanna.

Chandler: Please?

Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club!

Chandler: I know, I know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.

Joey: Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.)

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey—ooh so, how was Vermont?

Ross: Emily is…incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!

Rachel: Oh, hey!

Ross: Hey! You were so right!

Rachel: What?

Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other.

Rachel: Oh, hmm.

Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn’t quite there. Y’know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy…

Rachel: Joshua.

Ross: Joshua…guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda…y’know.

Rachel: Yeah, I…

Ross: But now! I’m there! I’m totally there! I’m-I’m finally where you are!

Rachel: Oh, thank goodness!

Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.

Rachel: Oh, no problem. I’m so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She playfully punches him.)

Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.)

Rachel: No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, it’s a dream sequence, this isn’t cable.]

Chandler: All right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler’s the king! Chandler’s the king!"

Phoebe: I-I wanna be with her, (points to the stripper next to her) I like her.

Chandler: Oh, that’s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.

Monica: Wait, now, what am I doing again?

Chandler: Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!

The Cigarette Guy: Hi, I’m Joshua, I’m here to pick up Rachel.

Rachel: No-no-no, that’ not Joshua.

Chandler: What do you want from me, I’ve never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I’m sorry you can’t stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler’s back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I’ve got to wake up!

END

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