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老友记第四季The One With All The Rugby

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喔~真不敢相信我居然跑来修指甲!你还说这会很有意思的!你看,弄成这个样子?还有, 你说这儿也有男人来的,可我怎么一个都没看见。钱德勒, 那边不是有个男的么?那只是个送信的,给我们送信的就是他啊!嗨, 你好。钱德勒, 别担心!这并不会让你看起来不像个男人的。这样就会了!我坐着什么了?我可不敢去想这个女的是抓哪儿,而弄断自己指甲的?呵呵, 你知道从前谁有和这一样的指甲吗?- 嗯.哦...我的...天呐!!乔伊,我问你!它让我快疯掉了。这个开关到底是干嘛的?哦,不干嘛呀。面对一个不知道有什么用的开关,难道你一点儿都不在意么??我知道啊! 它什么作用也不起。如果没什么作用,他们就不会把它放在这儿了。你怎么能够一点儿都不在乎呢?那又怎样?乔伊,我也想问问你。嗯,厕所里面那个银色水龙头是干嘛的?废话! 是冲厕所的。好吧,既然你知道,那你到我们那边去的时候,你能不能试着用用它?-你们好!- 嗨! 啊!!猜猜我们今天碰见谁了?!詹尼丝?!太奇妙了!你最近怎么样呀?嗯,我离婚了......哦, 喔.哈哈!我得了一笔不小的离婚赡养费。得,又是这套。我过来就是打个招呼。嗨! 还有你,亲爱的, 晚上见.- 好的. 再见.- Bye.- Bye.- Bye.- Bye.- Bye.- B-bye!- Bye-bye.再见.我受不了这个女人了!什么?!我还以为你真的爱上她了呢!是吗? 好吧。但是,她所有的那些我们相爱之前的就有的惹人厌的小毛病比如她的声音,她的笑,还有她的性格……这些,现在一个不落的都回来了!还有其它九个新毛病!那你把她带到这儿来干嘛?这里还有人咧!别担心,今晚我就能把她搞定。你才搞不定呢。你从来都没成功和她分手过。这次我根本不用和她分手,我们一点关系都没有!我要先发制人!把这段感情扼杀在摇篮里!我屁股都快冻僵了。试试把屁股伸到冷冻区20分钟。只是一个建议!我真不敢相信你敢一个人走。我是说那些有关纽约的传闻。其实没那么糟的。我一个人的时候也感觉很安全啊。救命啊! 救命啊!! 救命啊! 救命啊!!别,别,罗斯,这两个是我的老朋友。Liam, Devon,这是罗斯。你好,老兄。你好,兄弟。喔,哦,我装得很像吧??救命啊~救命啊~最近怎么样啊?刚到我就想给你们打电话来着,但是,一直比较忙了。你想想,那次U2演唱会之后我们就没见过了。噢,是呀,就是。实际上我们自从那个早上之后就再没见过面。Oh, Liam.Oh, Liam。你们在玩足球吗,或者该叫它 足-球。我们玩橄榄球。我们明天碰巧要在公园里打一场比赛。假如你愿意的话,可以一起来玩玩。罗斯玩橄榄球?呵呵,我不敢想象。这有什么好笑的?。我是说,你是美国人,你们这里没有橄榄球。喔,我们这里在1776年以前,还没有自由呢。好,说定了!明天两点在河边公园见,干杯!干杯!干杯!喔,亲爱的,我太喜欢唱歌了。是的,我知道,但这也是人们抱怨的原因之一,他们付钱是来听男演员演唱“老人河”的。哦!瞧瞧我们这对,谁又能想到丘比特光临了14街的美甲店呢?好吧,我们得谈谈。我刚结束一段认真的感情我知道,我还不是刚从婚姻中摆脱出来。这一切都是天意。没错!可是,我觉得这发生得太快了。得了,哪儿快了。勇敢面对吧,这次我决不会让你跑掉啦。我知道……但是,不幸的是,公司要派我出国。是么?去哪,是巴黎么??不不。不是巴黎。伦敦?不不,罗马?维也纳?哦——巴塞罗那?!好了,你能不能停一会儿别说了?也门!恩,是的,我被派到也门去了。什么时候?我现在还不大清楚。哦……我会一直陪伴着钱德勒宾直到你出发的那个时刻。可我知道是明天的什么时候。- 好了么?- 恩!- 嗨!- 嗨! 在搞什么?开关的事情都快把我逼疯了。于是我把它关掉,仔细检查每一个插座。现在发现有四个插座不能用。也就是说,这四个插座中有一个肯定是受那个开关控制的。于是,我把每个插座都插上能发声的东西,所以当我打开那个开关的时候,顺着声音,我就能知道是控制哪个插座的了。看谁先失聪!其实啊,你也可以用灯呀,然后顺着亮找。是啊,可以呀。只不过我用声音。Ok。好吧!大家都准备好了吗?开始了——!就是它,我听到了!它在哪儿?。是乔伊弄的。噢,上帝呀,太可怕了!快把他关掉。嗨,能看看新闻吗?好像下雨了。哦,稍微等一会。我在看ESPN台的橄榄球比赛。这有什么大不了的,我还不是可以玩。算了吧,你连看比赛的胆量都没有。嗨,这不是罗斯么。嗨......詹尼丝。其实,你真的不用帮我收拾行李的。你自己说离开前有好多东西要收拾,除了帮你收拾行李,我还有别的选择么?我以为会有很多东西,其实没多少。嗨,怎么回事呀?收拾行李呀,为明天去也门作准备。谢谢你现在才告诉我!我只是假装要去也门。这是摆脱她的唯一办法。喔——好主意!“也门”?听起来的确象一个国家的名字。钱德勒,进来。我教你怎么把内裤塞到鞋子里,这样节省空间一些。耶,我也是这么做的。这样能让我显得高一些。OK.钱德勒,过来一下!OK。乔伊,咱俩换换吧。不!瞧瞧这个,罗斯,真不敢相信你会去玩橄榄球。这也太野蛮了。我自己有数,行吗?算了吧,罗斯。你和我老爸玩羽毛球都能受伤。那……那因为你老妈的那条狗一直……一直盯着我看。好吧,罗斯,看看看看,看这儿。这叫“并列争球”,一堆人挤作一团抢球。不就是个球么,有什么好抢的。罗斯……他们会要了你的命的。哦,你为什么非得玩这个?你真应该见见以前和她约会的那个人。他长得就像个橄榄球似的。是么?那他也玩橄榄球么?太搞笑了。喔,我总算明白你意思了。你不知道,她认为我去打橄榄球,是瞎胡闹。我就是要让她看看我有多勇猛。不好意思,sorry,你是对的。你是个很勇猛的人,是我认识的最凶悍的古生物学家。好啦,别开玩笑了。罗斯能照顾好自己的。他又不是……钱德勒。多谢夸奖!好了,别为我担心了?我会积极跑动,离球越远越好。我会……我会……象那个人一样站在圈外。哦!哦,也许旁边正好有只狗在盯着他。罗斯罗斯罗斯罗斯,记得离那个家伙远点还有那个,那个和那……天哪,他们好壮了!他们看起来也比我壮不了多少。也许是因为你离自己太近了。所以自己看起来要高大一些。我过去和他们打个招呼,好吗?- 好的。- Okay.嗨喔~他挺招人喜欢的。好了,我知道应该怎么做。我要变成“红脸罗斯”,不记得“红脸罗斯”了?!我完全不明白你在讲什么。好吧,你还记得那次我们排队买《与狼共舞》的电影票的时候么?有个人插在我们前面,我生气了,冲他大嚷,脸都变红了。“红脸罗斯”啊!!不记得了。你马上就会记得了。Liam,帮个忙,告诉伙计们。对罗斯客气一些,他第一次玩这个。完全看不出来呀。祝你好运,亲爱的。罗斯!罗斯!快来,到这儿来!来啊!罗斯,快来啊!挤到人堆里来。罗斯,快进来!乔伊!!!!!!你……肯定不会相信的!乔施今天到我这儿来了,猜猜发生了什么事?他约你出去?没有。我让他看了一些扣链样本,顺便摸了摸他的脉搏!聪明!这些是什么?这栋大楼的电路图。好吧,好吧,你是不是疯了??我知道那个开关肯定有用。因此我到城管去拿到了这个。只需要付上25美元,然后等上三个小时。喔!还好知道的人不多?其实,你真的没必要送我到机场。喔,别这样,每分每秒都是宝贵的。总得有人在另一辆出租车上帮你看这剩下的行李吧!还有,你那些朋友好像根本不在乎你离开似的。喔,其实我们关系不是很好。好的,我们,就此告别吧。再见。不不,还不到说告别的时候。我会一直陪到你上飞机为止。好吧。那你就在这儿等等吧。嗨,我想要一张去也门的假票。一张——去也门的机票?不不,不不不,我只需要一张假票。对不起先生,我不懂您的意思。好吧,假如一个小孩要拿票玩你会给他什么样的票?您带着个小孩么?没有!好吧,她以为我会给你一张信用卡。其实我给你的是图书卡。先生,去也门的票价是2100美元。而且我们不收图书卡。怎么啦?出什么事情了?你得留下来?运通卡?我不敢相信他们竟然这样对罗斯。我跟他们说过对罗斯客气些的。你不要介意,不过,你有时候说话口音太重,让人很难听懂。才半场休息,还有的他受呢。我的表现如何呀?很不错吧?这比赛太有意思了。没错。嗨,帮个忙,帮我拿瓶水过来。- 好的。- 谢谢。我—我,都快死掉了。真的。喔,可怜的家伙。记得告诉我的儿子,我爱他。太好了!我还要玩得更爽一些。罗斯,他们会杀了你的。不会的。她是对的。你别上场了。什么?不,我一定要上场。我现在是“红脸罗斯”算了吧,你再上去就是“死尸罗斯”了。那我不管,反正我不能退场!我一定要打完全场!好吧,如果你坚持这样的话,至少得让我帮帮你。不,老天!这不是女人待的地方。那些家伙什么事情都抢。我不是这个意思,我知道一些事情能让你给他们点颜色看看。—那太好了!—真的吗?- 听清楚了, Devon脚踝很弱- Huh?你轻轻一踢,他就不敢上前了。好,踢脚踝,记下了!还有那个留胡子的家伙,他屁股受过伤还有那边的戴维,我听说他没戴护膝。喔!我清楚了,一个屁股受过伤,一个没有护膝。好!还有,Liam膝盖有伤。你一踢上去,他会象台灯一样倒在地上。。不过,Liam是我们队的。—我不管!你只管对付他们—我这就上去对付他们!好,我又要回去了! “红脸罗斯”!耶!嗨嗨这……这……这些是什么?喔,就是我画的一些画,把它们挂了起来。让房间显得亮一些,不是么?你不觉得吗?别别别!我知道那里没有 洞。我只是很喜欢那张画。天啊!瞧这儿!可是,那开关后面有线。它肯定连着什么东西。我不管!这些线让你脑子短路了。我只是觉得,假如顺着这些线查一查,就知道它是干嘛的了。那你弄明白了吗?还没有。线走到那层夹板后面就消失了。我在哪儿想了一会儿,觉得线肯定往楼下走了。但它没有。和Chatracus夫人打个招呼吧。天啊你好,亲爱的~你好~Chatracus夫人。你确定不需要去看医生吗?不用!没这个必要。我现在很好。我真得很好,今天我太棒了!而且……我要请所有人喝咖啡。帮我取一下钱包,在我口袋里。—好的。—没叫你。你的眼睛还有些肿,我去拿冰块。喔,冰块。我太想要冰块了。你表现的太令人惊奇了。-喔,我的确表现很好,不是么?-老天!我把一个是我两倍个头的人弄哭了。我上次发飙还是在四岁的时候,帮老爸洗车,用石头招呼他的保时捷你的确玩得很开心,是吗?那当然了?你想想看,我打倒三个壮汉,还打破了一个家伙的鼻子。我是说我并不是为此而骄傲……好吧,我是的。所有这些都是因为你,完美无瑕的你。你不会得了脑震荡吧?。不,我是认真的。谢谢你。不用谢。哦,对不起,弄疼你了吧?这点儿伤痛算什么?哦,要不,还是算了吧。飞往也门的664号航班即将起飞,这是最后一次登机广播。好吧,我想我得走了。我的宾——心肝。我会一直等着你的。你知道要去多久吗?这个么,可能得等到我们发现代替燃料的新能源。噢,好吧,我会每天给你写信的。也门——也门路15号好的,再见,再见。- 钱德勒?- 认错人了!钱德勒!詹尼丝!原来你在这,你在这。我还没和你吻别呢。你说你看见我一上飞机就走的!不!不!我要看着你起飞。我想我真得走了。我要去也门了。到了也门之后,我能和你待在一起吗?算了吧,那个临时演员不知道它是干嘛的,每小时两百美元的电工也拿它没办法。我一连遭受七次重大的打击。我正式放弃了。感谢上帝。我想乔伊是对的,这个开关的确没有什么用。看见了吧,我在控制它,我能控制电视。超能力消失了。

The One With All The Rugby

[Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting a petticure (Does that scare you that I know those terms? Well, it scares me.).]

Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done! And you said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is. Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!

Rachel: Chandler, there’s a guy right over there. (Points to the counter)

Chandler: That’s a mailman! That’s our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?

Rachel: Chandler, don’t worry! This doesn’t make you any less of a guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.

Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?

Rachel: Hmm.

Woman: OH…MY…GAWD!! (Yep, you guessed it. It’s Janice.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]

Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do?

Joey: Ohh, Nothing.

Monica: Didn’t it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did?

Joey: I know what it did! Nothing.

Monica: They wouldn’t have put it there if it didn’t do something! How can you not care?

Joey: Like this. (Shrugs)

Rachel: Well, here’s another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does?

Joey: Sure! It flushes it.

Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it?

Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!

Joey: Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in surprise.)

Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?!

Monica: Janice?!

Chandler: Isn’t this amazing?

Monica: How have you been?

Janice: Oh well, I’m divorced.

Phoebe: Ohhh, wow.

Janice: Yeah, I’m riding the alimony pony. (Does the now famous laugh.)

Joey: And there it is.

Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, I’ll see you tonight.

Chandler: Okay. Bye.

Janice: Bye.

Chandler: Bye.

Janice: Bye.

Chandler: Bye.

Janice: Bye.

Chandler: B-bye!

Janice: Bye-bye.

Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After it’s closed) I can’t stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)

Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her!

Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality—Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And she’s picked up like nine new ones!

Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There’s people here!

Chandler: Don’t worry about it. I’m taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)

Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her.

Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don’t have to break up with her this time. We’re not involved! I’m going to do a pre-emptive strike! I’m going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)

Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) I’m tellin’ ya!

[Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.]

Emily: I can’t believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York.

Ross: No, it’s really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe.

(At that moment two very large men start screaming and running towards Emily and picking her up.)

Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!!

Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. (Introducing them) Liam, Devon, this is Ross.

Devon: Hey, mate.

Liam: How are ya man?

Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? (Imitating himself) Help! Help!

Emily: So how are you? I’ve been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, I’ve been rather busy.

Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert?

Emily: Oh my God. I think you’re right.

Liam: (puts his arm around her) Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning.

Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her back.)

Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something—or should I call it (In an English accent) football?

Devon: We were playing rugby.

Liam: In fact we’re playing a game at the park tomorrow. You’re welcome to play too if you want.

Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I don’t think so.

Ross: What’s ah, what’s so funny about that?

Emily: Well I mean, you’re American to start with. You don’t even have rugby here.

Ross: Well, we didn’t have freedom here until 1776, either so…

Devon: So good then! We’ll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers!

Liam: Cheers!

Ross: Cheers!

(Liam and Devon both take a swig of their beers, while Ross takes a swig of his coffee. The Brits both crush their cans, and not to be out done, Ross crushes his coffee cup, spilling its contents.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.]

Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing!

Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.

Janice: Oh, look at us! Who would’ve thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails. (Does the laugh)

Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. I’m just getting out of a very serious relationship…

Janice: I know! And I’m just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be!

Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.

Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time.

Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!

Janice: Oh no! Where to? (Gasps) Too Paris?

Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris.

Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona?

Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. That’s right, yes, I’m being transferred to Yemen!

Janice: When?

Chandler: I don’t know exactly.

Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.

Chandler: But I do know that it’s some time tomorrow.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.]

Monica: Done?

Phoebe: Yep!

Rachel: (entering, with Joey) Hey!

Joey: Hey! What’s up?

Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don’t work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is.

Joey: (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before you did.

Rachel: Y’know, you-you also could’ve used uh, lamps and then followed the light.

Monica: Yeah, well, I’m using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? (They all start looking until Rachel realises it’s Joey.)

Rachel: It’s coming from Joey!

Phoebe: Oh my God, that’s so freaky! Turn him off!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining.

Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. I’m watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I don’t know what the big deal is. I’m man enough to play this sport.

Joey: Dude, you’re not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.

Janice: (entering) Hey there Ross!

Ross: (shocked) Hey!

Phoebe: (whispering to Ross) Janice.

Chandler: Y’know uh, you didn’t really have to help me pack.

Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn’t really leave me much choice. Did you?

Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!

Joey: Hey-hey, what’s going on?

Chandler: Oh, I’m packing. Y’know I’m-I’m packing ‘cause I’m moving to Yemen tomorrow.

Joey: Thanks for telling me!

(Janice runs into the bedroom.)

Chandler: I’m only going to pretend I’m moving to Yemen, it’s the only way I can get rid off her.

Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country.

Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, I’m gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. It’s a real space saver.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that ‘cause it makes me look taller.

Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on!

Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!

Joey: Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I can’t believe you said you’d play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is!

Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right?

Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad.

Ross: That’s ‘cause-‘cause you’re mom’s dog kept-kept looking at me.

Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. That’s called a scrum, okay? It’s kinda like a huddle.

Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle?

Joey: Ross! (Laughs) They’re gonna kill you!

Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway?

Ross: Well, you should’ve seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he’s like Joe Rugby.

Phoebe: You’re kidding! And he plays rugby?! That’s so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right.

Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So I’m gonna show her how tough I really am!

Rachel: (starts laughing, Ross stares at her) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re right, you are a tough guy. You’re the toughest palaeontologist I know.

Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It’s not like he’s…Chandler!

Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks!

Ross: Look, don’t worry about me. Okay? I’ll just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. I’ll uh, I’ll be that guy right out of the circle. (He points to a player who starts running and then gets viscously tackled from behind.)

All: Oh!

Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin’ at him.

(Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey stops him.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to support Ross.]

Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy (Points), and that guy (Points). And that one—Dude! They’re all huge!

Ross: They don’t look any bigger than me!

Joey: Well, maybe that’s because you’re closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are.

Emily: I’m just going to say hi to the lads. All right?

Ross: All right.

Emily: Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.)

(A player comes over and picks up a ball in front of Phoebe.)

Phoebe: (to the player) Hi.

(The player stands up and smiles. Showing that he has no front teeth.)

Phoebe: Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I kinda liked it.

(The referee blows the whistle and the players gather to start the game.)

Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. I’ve got to go Red Ross. (Joey and Phoebe don’t know what he’s talking about.) Y’know, Red Ross!

Joey: I totally don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!!

Joey: No.

Ross: You’ll see.

[Cut to Emily, Devon, and Liam]

Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it’s his first time.

Liam: You don’t say! (We see Ross who is hopping about with the ball and spikes it in his face.)

Emily: (to Ross) Good luck, babe.

(The scrum forms and the game is underway.)

Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! (Ross gets pumped up.) Ross! Come on!

(Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the scrum.)

Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in!

(Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top of the scrum and falls headfirst into the middle, leaving his feet sticking straight up.)

Ross: JOEY!!!!!!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: You…are…not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened?

Monica: He asked you out?!

Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.

Monica: Saucy!

Rachel: (refers to the table) What are these?

Monica: Electrical plans for the building.

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?

Monica: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours.

Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew.

[Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.]

Chandler: Y’know you, really didn’t have to take me to the airport.

Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y’know? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don’t really seem to care too much that you’re leaving.

Chandler: Well, we’re really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.

Janice: On no! No! It’s not good-bye, I’m not leaving until you get on that plane.

Chandler: Okay. Then I guess it’s just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.

Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen?

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.

Ticket Counter Attendant: I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand.

Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?

Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child?

Chandler: No. All right, y’know what, she’s (Points to Janice) gonna think that I’m handing you a credit card, but what I’m really gonna do is hand you a library card.

Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don’t take library cards.

Janice: What’s the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay?

Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express?

[Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting killed.]

Emily: I can’t believe they’re doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him!

Phoebe: No offence but, y’know sometimes it’s hard to understand you, y’know with the accent, so…

(The whistle blows.)

Emily: That’s just halftime, there’s more of this.

(Ross limps over all covered in mud.)

Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game!

Emily: Right.

Ross: (to Emily) Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle of water?

Emily: Okay.

Ross: Thanks. (When she’s gone he collapses into Joey.) I-I think I’m dying. I really do.

Phoebe: Oh, poor baby.

Ross: (to Phoebe) Tell my son that I love him. (Emily returns with the water.) Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun!

Emily: Ross, they are killing you out there!

Ross: (whines "No.") That’s not true!

Phoebe: She’s right! You have to stop!

Ross: What? No! No, I’m not stopping. I’m Red Ross!

Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, you’re gonna be Dead Ross!

Ross: I don’t care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game!

Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help you.

Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything.

Emily: No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain.

Ross: I like that.

Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle.

Ross: Huh?

Emily: One swift kick and he’ll back off.

Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it!

Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesn’t wear a cup.

Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay!

Emily: And uh, Liam, Liam’s got bad knees. You hit him right and he’ll go down like a lamp.

Ross: But-but, Liam’s on my team.

Emily: I don’t care! You just get him!

Ross: I’m gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! (Squeals like a madman.)

Joey: The Red Ross! Okay.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that weren’t there originally.) What-what are-what are these?

Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they’d brighten up the place. They do don’t you think?

(Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole underneath.)

Monica: No-no-no, no!

(Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this one doesn’t have a hole underneath it.)

Monica: I know that there’s no hole there, I just really liked that picture.

(Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She then removes a fourth one, revealing a third hole.)

Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this!

Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something!

Rachel: I don’t care! The wires have come loose in your head!

Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.

Rachel: And did you?!

Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs.

(Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is covering a hole and gasps.)

Monica: But it didn’t. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus.

Rachel: Oh my God.

Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling.

Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus.

[Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]

Phoebe: Now, are you sure you don’t want to go see a doctor?

Ross: Oh no! That-that’ll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Y’know what? I’m buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it’s in my pocket.

Joey: Yeah, sure.

Ross: No, not you. (Emily gets it.)

Joey: Uhh, look, your eye’s still popping out a little, I’m gonna go get some ice.

Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! (They go and get the coffee and the ice leaving Ross and Emily alone.)

Emily: You were amazing out there.

Ross: Oh, I kinda was, wasn’t I?

Emily: Oh my God!

Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven’t done that since I was four and I washed my dad’s Porsche with rocks.

Emily: You really enjoyed yourself didn’t you?

Ross: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three huge men, I gave a guy a bloody nose—I mean I-I’m not proud of it but, I really am. And it’s all because of you, wonderful, amazing you.

Emily: I think you’ve got concussion.

Ross: No, no, I’m serious. Thank you.

Emily: You’re welcome. (She hugs him tightly and he winces.) I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?

Ross: It’s worth the pain. (She goes to hug him again.) Y’know what, you know what? It’s not.

[Scene: The airport, the flight to Yemen is being called.]

Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.

Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go.

Janice: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. I’ll wait for you. Do you even know how long you’re going to be gone?

Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.

Janice: Oh. Well, I’ll right you everyday. (Reading the address) 15 Yemen Road, Yemen.

Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye.

(He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.)

Janice: Chandler?

Chandler: No!

Janice: Chandler!

Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!

Janice: No! No! I wanna see you take-off.

Chandler: Well, I then guess I’m going to Yemen! I’m going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]

Monica: All right. The super couldn’t figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldn’t figure out what it did. I’ve had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up.

Rachel: Thank God.

Monica: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing.

[Cut to Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.]

Phoebe: See? I’m doing it. I am totally doing it. (Suddenly it stops working.) I lost it.

END

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