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老友记第四季The One With The Fake Party

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怎么了亲爱的? 我找不到想吃的东西! 所有东西都让我恶心! 我告诉你, 怀孕可不像吃蛋糕那么简单! ooh! 蛋糕! 不. Aww, honey 很抱歉. God! Ooh! 什么味? 从洗澡间里出来的. Ooh! Wow! 怀孕确实带给你奇怪的欲望. - 谁呀? - 是我. 是Phoebe. 这有我想吃的东西, 什-什么这么香? 是香波吗? 是番石榴味的. 不! Oh! 等等! 是我的腊肠三文治? 对对.我真不能相信!这孩子要腊肠! 可能他想让我吃肉? 我不能吃肉! Oh, 等等! 可能是我的泡菜?! 写什么呢? Joshua明天来,因为我没胆儿约他, - 所以我打算卖他件衣服,然后把这纸条放在口袋里. - Oh 是吗? Joshua,给我打电话吧, 你这样的男人永远不过时? 你仍掉的写了什么? - Hi 伙计们! - Hey! - Hey, 你们干什么去了? Oh, 我们去Cupert-Hewitt博物馆看了个Victorian门把手收藏展. 没带-我?! - 我叔叔非拉我们去的. 但是, 事实上还真挺有趣的. - 是的. 它们非常华美, 我是说看那! 我不了解英国博物馆怎么工作, 但在这, 你不能拿东西. 我uh, 我在礼品店搞到的. 那保安很松...开个玩笑. Bye. 我得走了, 回见. Bye-bye then. Bye-bye Wow!看起来你们处的很愉快. Oh 是啊, 她-她让人惊讶. 她还很有趣. 还有! 你知道吗? 我和她在一起时, 我也有趣了! 我甚至参加了直升机驾驶班. 她两天后就走了,我其实不用这样. Oh 不, 两天, 你一定很失落. 是, 她要回伦敦. 但你知道吗? 我一开始就有准备. 我们都清楚只有两周,仅此而已. Hey 我所有的交往都是这样. 对, 但在Ross这事里, 他们'全'都清楚只有两周仅此而已. Pheebs! - Hey! - Hello! Hello! - Yes! 我知道! 我知道! Yeah! 这孩子就喜欢肉.中午我试着骗骗他, 我做了个豆汉堡就为了让他以为是肉的,然后我又恶心了. 可能是因为豆汉堡太烂了! 怀孕对你的胃可是个折磨. Hey,但至少你有那么棒的, 怀孕妇女的红光满面. 真好听. 你吐一个早上, 你也会一样红光满面. Okay! Oh, 这是你想要的风衣. Oh 太好了! Wow! 很舒服. 是吗? Man, 穿这个我就真能上街当暴露狂了. Oh 不-不,他们不让你在离开店之前把手插到兜里. 为什么?! Well, 因为我们有很多... 你知道,他们毁了所有人. 我知道! 你知道,我昨天穿那件羊毛衫约会了. Oh? 是,是我第一次约会uh,自从离婚. 恭喜, 那你爱她吗? 不,她很好但,却让我意识到我还没, 没到该约会的时候. Huh.这 uh,这很有趣. Hey-whoa-hey-hey, 那是什么? Oh, 就是个防盗装置. 那uh, 这是什么? 你需要它,你也需要它, 因为很明显,贼会把它撕掉. Oops.听着, 我们今晚得搞个聚会! 实际上, 我们得在五分钟后开始, 所以大家都要取消别的计划. - 你说什么? - 是呀, 怎么了? 我们得给Emily搞个告别晚会. 但实际上是为Joshua. 他说他还不能约会,所以如过我想 在工作之余见他我就得请他 参加个聚会,现在我创造了个 绝好的机会来勾引他! 同样也有机会让我见到Josh, 然后警告他, Emily和我不能呆在这.好吗? 她会先来这 说再见, 我今晚还有个完整的计划. 所以对不起, 没有晚会. Awwww! Hello? 惊喜!!! 惊喜!! 以前从没有人给我办惊喜晚会! 这都是Ross的主意. 你真好! 我真的很惊喜! 你真的不知道? 为什么你在这边而Joshua却在那边? Uhh, 因为我想玩欲擒故纵. Oh, 快点他看过来了, 说点好笑的. 比如? 什-什么这么好笑? 我说, "比如?" 这个得多想想. Okay,你知道吗? 欲擒故纵不好使. Umm, 给我那些樱桃. Okay. Okay. - Hi! - Hi! 要樱桃吗 - Oh, 不 谢谢. - 不? 你知道吗, 我能只用舌头就把它打个节. 你没事吧? 你怎么样? 我们差不多该走了. Oh,但才刚开始呀! 是,但我们15分钟后要去'四季'喝酒,然后再到'广场'餐厅吃饭. 那你为什么在同一时间办聚会? 不,不,umm,事实上美国的惊喜晚会很短. 一般就是, "惊喜!"然后, "Oh my God,真是个惊喜? 再见!" 但Ross,我玩的很高兴! 你妹妹刚讲了你曾穿得像个小老太太, 举办'虚拟世界'晚会.(小孩的游戏) Monica她说这个了是吗? Ooh,那你还要往上面放什么? 一些腊肠. Ooh yeah! 那umm, 腊肠上面呢? 熏牛肉. Oooh, yeah. 你是个天才. - Oh, 谁能帮我拉一下吗? - Yeah. 往上! 你换衣服? 是, 我换了. 我需要我的幸运裙. 幸运意思是, 更暴露? 对我管用. Ohh, God!看他呀,这么可爱. 我真想过去, 抓着他, 然后亲他! 我怎么才能又亲他又不让他知道我喜欢他? Oh! Hey!我知道你怎么能办到, 把胸罩拿下来. 什么? - 在'自由自在'里有一幕... - 辣舞. - 对,对, 是那个uh, 管道工女孩... - 她是个焊接工. 你在那电影里吗, 还是... 她丛衬衫里摘掉了胸罩然后从袖子里拉出来. 非常性感, 还很有品位. 或者如果你想亲他, umm, 你可以用槲寄生树.(圣诞节传统,在槲寄生下接吻) 现在不是圣诞节! 转瓶子? 他不是11岁! 非常感谢你们. 你们想的真周到. 什么? 你们要走?! 是, 我们还有些别的事. Uhh, 我想我也得走了. 别! 你们不能走! 你们得留下, 我们还有个大节目! 什么大节目? 这么转瓶子. 我转, 它指向Gunther, 那我就要吻Gunther. 好了. 谁先来? - 我来. - Yay! 欢迎来美国. 连续两次! 你们得用舌头了! Yay! Emily! 这概率!有这样概率吗! Okay, 够了!我们, 我们让别人玩玩. 你要是不想玩,为什么还来参加聚会? Okay, 该我了!! Oh! my godness! Oh my God!! 孩子踢我了! Ohh! 没事! 他踢了一次, 还会有第二次! Oh my God! 好吧, 大家要记住刚才坐的位置. 有个虫子. 我多渴望它都没用.你知道我为什么不吃肉? 因为这是谋杀, 冷血的谋杀. Okay. 有个Phoebe在我的三文治上! Phoebe, 你在干什么?! 我忍不住.我需要肉. 孩子要肉. 好吧, 你知道你和别人交往时不能欺骗她们,但除非遇见特惹火的? - 是, 明白! - 好吧. Okay. 这也是一回事. 如果你想犯错误, 就用正确的做法! 好点吗? 是啊, 但要有多大代价? 六个月,一天三顿肉, 我会吃掉, 成百万头牛. Hey, 要是这样呢, 我做些事帮你扯平, 肉方面的. - 什么? - 我总是吃肉对吗? 对. 假设到孩子出世前我戒掉肉. 就没有额外的动物会死, 你就相当于吃我的动物. Joey,我不能相信你会为我这样. 当然能! 我能做素食者. 啤酒里没有肉, 对吧? Okay, 我们不要开胃菜还能赶上预定时间还有马上让他们结帐. 但,我们现在不能走. Rachel好象要表演了. Oh my God! 你疯了吗? 没--有! 我总算想明白了. 我的幸运裙没发挥效果, 但大学四年里, 这宝贝从没失手过. Rachel-Rachel-Rachel 我不能, 我不能让,实际上我想看看会发生什么. - Hey! - Hi! 不错的uh, 演出服. Ohh,我想给Emily一个超级美国式告别表演. So okay! 准备! Okay! 给我个'E!' E! 给我个'M!' M! 给我个'I!' I! 给我个'L!' L! 给我个'Y!' Y! 你拼出什么? Emily!! Emily? Whoa!! Okay! 我这拉拉队长怎么样! Ta-dum! 你没事吧? 我没事!就是有颗牙要掉了, 小事儿. 我有牙医! 我得敷点冰块. 失陪. 我做得怎么样? 我做得怎么样? 我认为你成功了. Okay, 该摘胸罩了. Umm,表演的很棒, 但我真得走了. 摘掉胸罩. - 好吧,过来, 我们去拿衣服. - Okay. Rachel 是我女朋友. 今天uh, 很有趣. Oh, yeah! 真的很有趣. 你知道, 这胸罩... 真的, 很烦人. 这曾是我的睡房.有很多回忆, 很多回忆. 如果这些墙能说话, 你知道它们会说什么? 想听点回忆? - 需要uh, 需要帮忙吗. - Oh 不! 不,我应付的了. 看起来你可不像能应付的了. 这... Ughhhh!! 算了! 本来不应该这样的. 应该怎么样? 我说的时候你能不看我吗? 我以为我把你带到这,我就能勾引你. Huh. Oh, boy! Uhh, 我不穿西服工作, 可我却从你那买了六套. 对不起, 我以为你需要! 不, 我意思是我不断地来,是因为我想见你. 为什么?! 因为我喜欢你. 你喜欢我? 是! 你很美,聪明又精明.这些并不是从你今晚的表现上看出来的. 但你喜欢我! Oh my God,我不敢相信, 一直以来, 我喜欢你你也喜欢我! - 但是... - Oh 不不,别说这个! 不,但是就没好事! 我们就回到, 我喜欢你你也喜欢我. Okay uh, 然而... Oh, 这回是华丽的但是. 我的婚姻刚结束, 我还没到再交往的时候. 但是.... 对不起, 我需要时间. Okay. Ohh, 你在这. 我刚才在找你. Joshua走了,你和Emily自由了. 没关系. 她还在享受这个假晚会呢 也没时间执行我的计划了, 所以... Oh, Ross, 对不起. 我把你的晚上都毁了. 是呀. 如果这让你好受,我今晚整个是个傻瓜. 有点用. 这台阶上有悲哀的失败者坐的地方吗? 有, 坐吧. 我真对不起. 没关系,反正只是两周的事, 我只是不想以这种方式结束. 也许你不想结束? 什么意思? 看起来你很喜欢她. 是, 真的是. 但我能做什么, 我们都认同这只是两周的事, 没有责任. Ross,那姑娘用整晚和你的朋友聊天, 问所有关于你的事, 还看Monica的相册, 我意思是你不会为了两周的交往而做这些. - 你这么想? - 是的 到她上飞机前你还有14个小时, 而你却和一个28岁的肥嘴唇拉拉队长坐在走廊里. - Hey,你是对的. - 是的. 谢谢. 哪本相册? 不知道, 是你和一群白化病孩子. Oh my God! 他们不是白化病, 那是计算机夏令营! Rach! - Hey. - Hey. 你是个悲哀的失败者, 对吗? Oh-ho,当然! 坐! Hi. Oh my gosh, Joshua! 我说过的所有关于,时候未到的话... 是假的? 不, 都是真的. Oh. 但是... Oh! Oh, 我爱这个但是. - 你想进去喝点咖啡吗? - Yeah. - Okay. 从未失手. Oooh, 那是什么? 熏牛肉. Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey!你知道再放点什么才好? Hm-mm, 野牛排. Ooh, 我想说大腊肠,但这个更好. - 再加点熏火鸡怎么样? - Okay. Oh mama! Uh 孩子什么时候出生? 六个月后. Ugh. Hey!如果牛是自然死亡, 我就可以吃,是吗? 如果不是我先吃掉的话.

The One With The Fake Party

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is stressing out about something.]

Monica: What is it hon?

Phoebe: I-I can’t find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat makes me nauseous! I’m telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake—ooh! Cake! (Chandler shrugs, and Phoebe grimaces.) No.

Monica: Aww, honey I’m sorry.

Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? It’s coming from the bathroom. Ooh! (She goes to the bathroom.)

Chandler: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.

[Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and Phoebe knocks on the door.]

Joey: Yeah?

Phoebe: It’s me. It’s Phoebe. Listen there’s something in here I want to eat, what-what smells so good?

(Joey sticks his head out of the shower curtain.)

Joey: Is it the shampoo? It’s guava.

Phoebe: (she smells his head) No!

Joey: Oh! Wait-wait! (Reaches inside the shower.) Is it my bologna sandwich?

Phoebe: Yes. Yes. Yes. I can’t believe it! The baby wants bologna! Maybe he wants me to eat meat? I can’t eat meat!

Joey: Oh, wait-wait! (Reaches into the shower again.) Maybe it’s a pickle?!

(Phoebe grimaces at the smell.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are there. Rachel is writing something on a pad, and then crumples it up and throws it on the floor.]

Chandler: What are you writing?

Rachel: Well, Joshua’s coming in tomorrow and since I don’t have the guts to ask him out, I’m going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket.

Chandler: Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of style—what did you throw away?

(Ross and Emily enter.)

Chandler: Hi guys!

All: Hey!

Joey: Hey, what have you guys been up too?

Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the Cupert-Hewitt museum.

Chandler: Without me?!

Emily: My uncle dragged us there. But, it actually it turned out to be really interesting.

Ross: Yeah.

Emily: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! (Shows them a doorknob she has.)

Monica: I don’t know how museums work in England but, here, you’re not supposed to take stuff.

Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.) It’s a joke. (They all laugh.)

Ross: Bye. (They kiss.)

Emily: Right, I’ve got to be off, I’ll see ya. Buh-bye then. (She leaves.)

Joey: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good time.

Ross: Oh yeah, she’s-she’s amazing. And-and she’s so much fun. And! Y’know what? When I’m with her, I’m fun! I even signed up for helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) She’s leaving in two days, I don’t have to do it.

Monica: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed.

Ross: Yeah, she’s got to go back to London. But you know what? I’ve been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and that’s it. Y’know.

Joey: Hey that’s what all my relationships are like.

Chandler: Yes, but in Ross’s case, they both know in two weeks that’s it.

(Phoebe enters.)

Ross: Pheebs!

All: Hey!

Ross: (starts rubbing her belly) Hello! Hello!

Phoebe: (angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, y’know? And I got nauseous.

Chandler: Maybe that’s because soy-burgers suck!

Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy.

Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow.

Phoebe: That’s sweat. You throw up all morning, you’ll have that glow too.

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is preparing to slip Joshua the note.]

Joshua: (coming in from a changing room) Okay!

Rachel: Oh, here’s that trench-coat that you wanted.

Joshua: Oh great! (He tries on the coat.) Wow! Yeah, it’s comfortable.

Rachel: Yeah?

Joshua: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. (He goes to put his hands in his pockets.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they don’t want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.

Joshua: Why not?!

Rachel: Well, that’s because of a lot of…(She imitates someone picking their nose and placing the treasure found in the pockets.)

Joshua: Y’know, they ruin it for everybody.

Rachel: I know!

Joshua: Y’know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night.

Rachel: Oh?

Joshua: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce.

Rachel: Well, congratulations, so do you love her?

Joshua: No, no, no, she’s nice but, y’know, it just it made me realize that I’m just not, I’m just not ready to be dating, y’know?

Rachel: Huh. Well, uh, that’s uh, that’s interesting. (She goes over and retrieves her note.)

Joshua: (noticing her) Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that?

Rachel: Oh, it’s just an anti-theft device.

Joshua: Then uh, what’s-what’s this? (Shows her the real anti-theft device.)

Rachel: You need that, you need that too ‘cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. (Rips up the note.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Joey: Yeah, what’ going on?

Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it’s actually for Joshua. (Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he said he’s not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have the perfect opportunity to seduce him! (Hands Ross a party hat.)

Ross: Well, as much as I’d like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I aren’t going to be here. All right? I mean, she’s going to come by first to say good-bye, and then I’ve got a whole special evening planned. So I’m sorry, no party.

Joey: Awwww!

Emily: (entering) Hello?

Rachel: Surprise!!!

Chandler and Joey: Surprise!!

Emily: No one’s ever thrown me a surprise party before!

Rachel: Well, it was all Ross’s idea.

Emily: You’re so sweet! And I’m so surprised!

Ross: You really didn’t know?

[Cut to later, the party is in full swing. Rachel is in the kitchen and Chandler goes over to talk to her.]

Chandler: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? (Points to the living room.)

Rachel: Uhh, because I’m trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he’s looking over here, say something funny.

Chandler: Like what?

(Rachel laughs hysterically.)

Joey: What-what-what is so funny?

Chandler: I said, "Like what?"

Joey: Now that’s a thinker.

Rachel: Okay, y’know what, y’know what? This playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. (Chandler does so.) Okay. Okay. (She does a little sexy walk over to where Joshua is standing.) Hi!

Joshua: Hi!

Rachel: Care for a cherry?

Joshua: Oh, no thanks.

Rachel: No? Y’know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue.

(She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but only succeeds in choking on it.)

Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is not hacking like a heavy smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away, coughing.)

Ross: (interrupting Monica and Emily) So we should probably get going soon.

Emily: Oh, but the party’s only just getting started!

Ross: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks in 15 minutes and then y’know, then The Plaza for dinner.

Emily: So why did you plan a party at the same time?

Ross: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are very short. It’s usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, I’m so surprised—good-bye!"

Emily: But Ross, I’m such having a great time! Your sister has just been telling me that you used to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-believe tea parties.

Ross: Monica said that did she? (He squeezes Monica’s knee really hardly and Monica winces in pain.)

[Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a sandwich.]

Phoebe: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to put on top of that?

Joey: A little salami.

Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami?

Joey: Pastrami.

Phoebe: Oooh, yeah. You’re a genius.

(Rachel enters, she has changed clothes.)

Rachel: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper?

Joey: Yeah. (He goes over to her.)

Rachel: Up!

Monica: You changed?

Rachel: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress.

Monica: And lucky means, more cleavage?

Chandler: Does for me.

(Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes at little too far and Rachel just glares at him. He stops, gives her the ‘okay’ symbol and walks away.)

Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, he’s so cute. I wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him?

Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra.

Rachel: What?

Joey: There was a seen in Footloose...

Chandler: Flashdance.

Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl…

Chandler: She was a welder.

Joey: What? Were you like in the movie, or… Anyway, she takes off her bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy.

Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe.

Rachel: It’s not Christmas!

Monica: Or Spin the Bottle?

Rachel: He’s not 11!

Emily: (with her coat on, she’s leaving with Ross) Thank you so much for this. It was really so thoughtful of you.

Rachel: What? You’re leaving?!

Ross: Yes, we have something we have to get to.

Joshua: Uhh, yeah, I think I’m going to take-off too.

Rachel: No! You guys can’t leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned!

Ross: What big thing?

[Cut to later, the whole group is seated on the floor and Rachel is explaining the rules of Spin the Bottle.]

Rachel: (spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I spin the bottle, it lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. (She crawls over to where Gunther is sitting and sees the look of anticipation on Gunther’s face and decides not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first?

Emily: I’ll go.

All: Yay!

(Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.)

Joey: Welcome to America. (They both kiss.)

(Joey spins the bottle and it lands on Emily.)

Monica: Two in a row! You’ve got to use your tongues now! (They kiss again.)

Rachel: Yay! Emily!

(Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on Joey.)

Chandler: What are the odds? What are the odds?

(They both move to kiss again.)

Ross: (stopping them) Okay, that-that’s enough! Y’know, let’s, let’s let someone else play.

Joey: If you didn’t want to play, why did you come to the party?

Rachel: Okay, my turn!!

(Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on….wait for it….Joshua. (You thought I was going to say Ross, didn’t you?) Rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked!

All: Ohh!

Rachel: It’s okay! It’s okay! It kicked once, it’ll kick again!

All: Oh my God!

(They all stand up and go over to Phoebe to feel the baby, preventing Rachel from kissing Joshua.)

Rachel: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting.

(She crawls over to Joshua and kisses the back of his knee. He feels it and looks down, Rachel pretends she’s knocking a bug off his leg.)

Rachel: Just a bug.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, it is later in the party. The Spin the Bottle game is over and Chandler is making a sandwich as Phoebe watches.]

Phoebe: Y’know it doesn’t matter how much I’m craving it. Y’know why I’m never gonna eat meat? Because it’s murder, cold blooded murder.

Chandler: Okay.

(He takes a bite out of the sandwich and as he does so, Phoebe attacks the other end and starts devouring the sandwich.)

Chandler: There’s a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the sandwich to Phoebe.)

Joey: Phoebe, what-what are you doing?!

Phoebe: I can’t help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat.

Joey: All right look, y’know how-y’know how when you’re dating someone and you don’t want to cheat on them, unless it’s with someone really hot?

Phoebe: Yeah, totally!

Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you’re going to do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right!

[Cut to later, Phoebe is finishing off her steak.]

Joey: Feel better now?

Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day, I’m gonna eat like, y’know millions of cows.

Joey: Hey, what if I said, I could even things out for ya, meatwise.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Well, I eat a lot of meat right?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Well, suppose until the baby’s born I laid off it. No extra animals would die, you-you’d just be eating my animals.

Phoebe: Joey, I can’t believe you would do that for me.

Joey: Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There’s no meat in beer, right?

[Cut to Ross and Emily standing by the foosball table.]

Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers and asked for our check right away.

(Rachel enters, she has changed once again. This time into her high school cheerleading uniform.)

Emily: But, we can’t go now. It looks like Rachel’s gonna put on a skit.

Monica: Oh my God! Have you lost your mind?

Rachel: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress wasn’t working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed.

Monica: Rachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I can’t let—(pause), actually I kinda want to see what happens.

Joshua: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Joshua: Nice uh, costume.

Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye cheer. So okay! (Runs into the living room) Ready! Okay! Gimme an ‘E!’

All: E!

Rachel: Gimme an ‘M!’

All: M!

Rachel: Gimme an ‘I!’

All: I!

Rachel: Gimme an ‘L!’

All: L!

Rachel: Gimme a ‘Y!’

All: Y!

Rachel: What do you get? (She throws her pom-poms to Joey and Phoebe and performs a cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.) Emil—Whoa!! (She falls in Chandler’s room.) Okay! So that’s me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! (Gunther’s the only one that claps.)

(Joey and Monica rush over to her.)

Joey and Monica: Are you all right?

Rachel: I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m just losing a tooth, it’s no big deal. I have a dentist! Y’know. I’m gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. (She goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow her.) What do I do now? What do I do now?

Monica: I think you’re done.

Joey: Okay, time to take off the bra. (She glares at him.)

Joshua: Umm, that was really great, but I-I gotta take-off actually.

Joey: (trying not to be obvious) Take the bra off.

Rachel: All right, come on, let’s go get your coat.

Joshua: Okay.

(They both go to Chandler’s bedroom to get his coat.)

[Cut to Gunther and Emily.]

Gunther: Rachel is my girlfriend.

[Cut to Chandler’s bedroom.]

Joshua: So, this was uh, really fun.

Rachel: Oh, yeah! Real fun. (She makes a decision.) Y’know, this bra… Really, bothers me. (She starts taking off her bra.) Y’know, this used to be my bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in here, a lot of memories. If these walls could talk, y’know what they’d say? Wanna hear some memories? (She is now violently pulling on her bra in order to remove it, but it isn’t co-operating.)

Joshua: Need uh, need a little hand there.

Rachel: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control.

Joshua: You really don’t seem like you do. That’s…

(She is still yanking on the bra, but it is stuck in her sleeve. Finally, she gives up.)

Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily on the bed.) This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen.

Joshua: Well, what was supposed to happen?

Rachel: Can you not look at me when I say this? (He turns around) I thought that if I could get you here, I could seduce you.

Joshua: Huh. Oh, boy! (Sits down next to her.) Uhh, I-I don’t wear suits to work, and I bought six of them from you.

Rachel: Well, I’m sorry, I thought you needed them!

Joshua: No, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept coming back because, I wanted to see you.

Rachel: Why?!

Joshua: Because I-I like you.

Rachel: You like me?

Joshua: Yeah! I mean you’re-you’re beautiful and smart and sophisticated—a lot of this isn’t based on tonight.

Rachel: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can’t believe this, all this time, I liked you and you liked me!

Joshua: But…

Rachel: Oh no-no-no don’t say but! No-no, but’s never good! Let’s just leave it at, you like me and I like you.

Joshua: Okay uh, however…

Rachel: Oh, now see that’s a fancy but.

Joshua: My marriage like just ended, and I’m really not ready to get into anything yet.

Rachel: But….

Joshua: I’m sorry, I, I just need a little time.

Rachel: Okay.

[Scene: The hallway, Ross is sitting on the step drinking a beer as Rachel comes out of the guys apartment.]

Rachel: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua’s gone so you and Emily are free to go.

Ross: That’s okay. She’s still in there enjoying her fake party and uh, it’s too late to do any of the things I had planned, so…

Rachel: Oh, Ross, I’m sorry. I completely ruined your evening.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool out of myself.

Ross: Helps a little.

Rachel: Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser?

Ross: Yeah, have a seat.

Rachel: I’m so sorry.

Ross: That’s okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just didn’t want it to end this way, y’know?

Rachel: Well, maybe you didn’t want it to end?

Ross: What do you mean?

Rachel: You seem to really like her.

Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment.

Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks.

Ross: You think?

Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.

Ross: Hey, you’re right.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Thanks. (He starts to go inside and stops.) What photo album was it?

Rachel: I don’t know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids.

Ross: Oh my God! Those weren’t albino kids, that was computer camp! Rach! (He hurries inside and Chandler is taking out the garbage.)

Rachel: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: You’re a pathetic loser, right?

Chandler: Oh-ho, yeah!

Rachel: Sit!

(He does so, and immediately starts looking pathetic.)

Joshua: Hi. (He has just returned.)

Rachel: Oh my gosh, Joshua!

Joshua: All those things I said about not being ready…

Rachel: They’re not true?

Joshua: No, they’re-they’re all true.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: But…

Rachel: Oh! Oh, I love that but.

(They move to kiss, but realise that Chandler is staring at them. Chandler urges them on.)

Rachel: You wanna go inside and have some coffee?

Joshua: Yeah.

Rachel: Okay. (Joshua goes inside and to Chandler.) Every time.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next day. Phoebe is busy making a sandwich.]

Joey: Oooh, what you got there?

Phoebe: Pastrami.

Joey: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! Y’know what goes good with that?

Phoebe: Hm-mm, corn beef.

Joey: Ooh, I was gonna say bologna, but that’s much better. How about a little of that smoked turkey?

Phoebe: Okay.

Joey: (He starts looking longingly at the sandwich.) Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby due?

Phoebe: Six months.

Joey: Ugh. Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one of those right?

Phoebe: Not if I get there first.

END

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