Ohhh, man!! 谁在那? Treeger在通洗澡间的下水道. 这是什么鬼东西? 可能他找到了你的flip-flop拖鞋. Hey! Whoa! 这是黄片吗? 我怎么弄的? 我一定是按了哪个键. 我们要花钱吗? 不, 我们还没交有线的钱呢，可能他们是为这事惩罚我们. 也许我们不该交电话费-免费色情电话. 也许我们不该交煤气费了? Whoa, hey, 那女的真是一丝不挂. 是, Joey在遥控器上按了一下,然后就来啦! 我也遇到过一次. 我就是在搜索频道 然后bam! 就像找到钱一样. 像找到了钱，还有裸体的人在上面! 然后我错误地关掉了电视, 我再也没找回来它. 我很伤心. 他为什么会关电视? 拜托, 我们吃东西的时候也得看它吗? Oh 别 别 别! 我们不知道怎么让它消失. 对,所以谁也不许碰遥控器.还有电视! 也不许碰电视周围的空气! 就想象有个黄片防护罩在那, okay? 那至少,我要消音. Oh 别 别 别! 我们还有黄片看. -Hey. -Hi!-Hi! 亲爱的,你在干什么? 这太重了. Yeah. 给我吧. Oh, God. Okay. Ohh, 我快不行了,不能再拖着按摩床到处走. 我得找个拿小点床的工作. 或者不用床的工作. 你是说像做医生? Pheebs!你挡住黄片了!小心点! Ohh!Oh my. Oh, 这提醒我,我今天得去看B超. Hi. Hi. uh, Emily去飞机场了. Oh.你怎么不送她去? Eh, 她-她叔叔已经预定了. 而且我们说好就在早上告别, 所以 你一定很难受. Hey! 他们那有免费黄片看! 不了. Hey, 高兴点! 你会再见到她的,对吗? 是这样,我不知道! 每次我跟她说起这事她就说, "这样很棒! 我们为什么要谈将来? 就享受现在多好" 不,别用这口音. 你得再见她一次. 你为什么这么在乎? 因为! 你能得到我幻想的生活! 你幻想和Emily? 不! 我的幻想! 认识国外的人,疯狂的相爱, 共渡余生. 这就是为什么，在高二时只有你和那个乌克兰的小孩交朋友是吗? 是的, 还有他妈妈总是把酸奶油抹在吃的上! Ahh. 你爱她吗? 我们说好就是两周的事, y'know? 你爱她! 什么才是爱? Ohhh,我就知道你爱她! 那你就得去机场告诉她. 你会在她登机前一刻叫住她. 你大声喊, "我爱你!"然后她会说, "我也爱你!" 你们会有美妙的一吻, 所有人都会喝彩. 我接吻很棒. 然后你们, 钻进驾驶仓, 热血澎湃, 然后空姐进来了，我看黄片看多了. 那是心跳吗? 没错. Oh my God! Oh wow! 太棒了. 我们提到过多胞胎的可能性吗? 为什么不就先管这个, 我要是想再怀孕, 我会留住你名片的, okay? 不, 我发现了三个不同的心跳. 三个?你们还担心我一个都怀不上! 医生们总是错的. Well, yeah. 那么, 你确定有三个?! 确定. 几个月后就会有三个孩子在我肚子里转悠?! Oh! Oh! 然后他们就像急流涌进的木船一样冲出来! 实际上, 生三个跟生一个差不多. 你知道什么?! Oh-oh, Phoebe! Ooh! Hi! Hi! 看医生看得怎么样? 你知道你umm,你走在街上看见三个人并排走, 你会说, "Oh, 真好?" 是的. Okay,好消息, 你们有了三个孩子. 三个? 我总算能组乐队了! 我们会有个大家庭, 我一直想要个大家庭! Oh God,你们很愿意我太高兴了, 我一直担心会把你们吓坏了. 我们为什么要害怕? No,可能因为养他们会很难, 加倍的费用, Oh. 对. 不, 回到高兴的样子. 回到高兴的样子! 不是,不会有事的.因为umm,我教经济持家,uh, 我能让30个孩子一年到头做小孩的衣服. 就像我自己有个小汗衫店一样. 对, 你一说我们有三个孩子我就在想,我最好离开大学找个工作. 不, Frank. 你不能退学! 不! 你在上大学? 真的? 是, 冰箱大学. 是的. 当我们知道要有孩子了, 我觉得我该有个职业，而且我喜欢冰箱! 你不能放弃梦想. 不, 没关系. 我们有三个孩子! 这是另一种梦想. 三个孩子，没钱. 这是009航班的登机通知. Emily! Oh my God! 你来干什么? 我就是, 我得在你走前再见你一面. 你真好. 这, 这个巧克力够大的. 和你一起我度过了最美妙的时光. 我也是. 这是009航班最后一次登机通知. 是我的. 拿着这个. 我只能拿一只行李登机. 等等uh, 我得告诉你件事. Umm, 我在考虑, 我就是想出来就说了. Okay? 我ah, 我想我爱你. Oh. 谢谢. 没问题. 这是什么歌? 在我脑袋里转悠一天了. 是'Good Will Humping'（作爱高手）的主题歌.（有个电影叫'good will hunting',心灵捕手） 你知道谁不喜欢看黄片? 我的新男朋友Joshua. 可不是嘛. 不, 他说了. 他更喜欢留点东西去想象. Oh-oh, 对, 他还说了ah, 有些粗野的对话，他会觉得好笑而不是性感? 对! 对, 他喜欢黄片. 你去哪? 我得去弄清楚他是不是真的认为名模都枯瘦如柴. Hey, Pheebs! Hey. Hey! Frank和Alice反应如何? Frank不得不退学，因为他超级多产的姐姐怀上三个孩子! 我得马上赚一大笔钱, 而且我有了个主意, 我得跟你谈谈,因为你在大公司工作. Okay, 内情交易, 你能给我什么情报. 他们不会告诉我们这种东西. 但我能给你些免费的涂改液. Ohh! 你照我说的做了吗? 你告诉她了吗? 是的. 她说什么了? 谢谢. Oh, 不用客气! 她说什么了? 她说, "谢谢." 我说, "我爱你." 她却说, "谢谢." Whoa-whoa, 等一下, 你说了, 你爱她? 你想让她怎么做?! 我现在怎么办? 玩欲擒故纵，疏远她. 她已经在伦敦了. 那你就去东京. 好吧, 算了. 你告诉她你爱她, 就已经完了. 没完! 你才完了呢! 什么? 你知道! Okay. 说的好. 还没完，因为她会给你电话，告诉你她爱你. 而她先前不说的原因是, 是她感情太强烈了, 她害怕. 你现在回家等她电话, 她很可能在飞机上就打电话! 快点现在就走! 走! 但是如果她没打, 就真的完了! 不, 等等. 除非, 最后, 我给她打, 问问她怎么样了, 然后她说她会打回来,但她没有. 这样就真的完了. 够坚强, man! Hey! Hi! 我们能在你这看会卡通吗? 需要休息一下. 我们已经看了两个小时的进进出出了. 那, 你们为什么不关了它? 因为那样我就会成为关掉免费黄片的家伙. Ooh, 好, 你们都在! Okay. Hey! Hi! 你那是什么? Oh这个, 很高兴你问我. 难道你不讨厌用普通，切肉刀去切易拉罐吗? Ahh!现在, 我知道你们在想什么 “孕妇杀了四个人”? （他指报纸的标题） Phoebe,他们没让你买这些刀吧? 没有! 你确定? 不! 亲爱的,你不能光靠卖刀来帮助Frank和Alice赚足够的钱. 不, 我知道, 但我需要本钱执行我第二步计划. 你的第二步计划是什么? 做“土星”轿车的代理. Hello? Ross. Emily, hi! Uh,旅途愉快吗? 糟透了. 你说了如此美妙的话，而我却那么回应，我觉得难受极了. 不, 没关系. Umm,我很高兴你给我电话. Ross umm,我得告诉你件事, 有-有另外一个人. 这句话在英国的意思和在美国的一样吗? 她不知道该选谁, 我还是叫Colin的家伙. 不应该是这样的, 不应该有别人. Well 当然得有别人!! 这更完美了! 现在你要证明你的爱! 我什么也不证明. Okay, 我不听你的了. 如果我没先听你的跑到机场去, 我就不会让拳头砸在墙上! 你把拳头砸在墙上了? 不, 我没打着，砸在门上了. 但砸的那门晃的可狠了! 你得去伦敦! 什么? 是的, 你要去为她而战! Oh 对, 当然,太有道理了. 因为你已经说了你爱她而她却没回应, 然后她打电话说还有别人, 对, 去伦敦吧，吓死她! 当Rachel和Paulo在一起时, 你做了什么? 我取笑他的口音. 你退缩了，让他拥有她, 你根本没竞争过. 我对吗? 你想让这种事在和Emily这次再发生吗? 不. 那好, 去为她而战! 去伦敦! 我是说, 这可能就是你和Emily! 这样, 但-但更好. 快, 去伦敦吧! 真的? 去吧! 给她个惊喜! 出现在她门前! 别没竞争过就放弃她! 好的. 好的, 我去! 好. 我要去, 我要去伦敦为她而战. Okay, 祝你好运! Ross! Ross! 你要是去机场, 你能给我带点那种巧克力吗? Hey! Ooh-Ooh!我想到了! 我想到怎么弄钱了! 我要开自己的按摩店，Frank来帮我! 然后! 我们按他的时间表工作，这样他就不用退学! 听起来很好, 那你用什么做本钱呢? Well,我们在街上看见那辆你们用作承包宴席的货车，我们就想到 让我说! 让我说! Okay. 你知道人们需要交通工具, 但同时又需要按摩来放松，所以我要合二为一, okay, 我按摩而Frank开车!我可以收拾一下那货车, 在后面安个床, 你们知道我的想法了? 谁也不能活着出来的地方? 不是! 想想, 是人们想放松时要的出租车, 是 放松-出租! 名字是最精彩的! Well, 是我想出来的! 不是你!!!! Oh! 不! 你想的是放松的士! 一点也不好听. Well, 我 Hello. Hey. Oh my God! Ross,你在英国? Emily吃惊了吗? 没有, 因为她还没回家. 她一晚都不在家! 很显然她跟那个人在一起, 而我则是一晚上站在她家门口的白痴! 好吧. 下个航班是什么时候? 四个小时后. Okay, 再等几个小时，如果她还没回来, 就回家吧. Hey, 告诉他‘放松-出租’的事, 问问他是不是比‘放松的士’好听. Okay, 不是放松的士. 是放松车, 就像出租车. Oh, 这个更好. 我们在伦敦吗? 你在这干吗? 你不能在这! 我uh, 我想和Ross谈谈. 什么? 没什么. 不, 没什么. 我打电话给他, 但是 Oh, 你来告诉他你爱他! 我就知道! 我是对的! 我是对的, 对吗? 我更想跟他谈谈. 我uh, 我去他公寓他不在, uh. 我要跟他谈谈, 你们知道他在哪吗? Ross, 你在那吗? Ross, 我不知道你能否听见我还是得说, uh,我在美国和你妹妹和朋友在一起，我和Colin完了. 我来这告诉你, -好的, Joey 你把巧克力都拿走吧, 就拿吧! Uh, 我来这告诉你我爱你. 我也爱你! 我现在就给你打电话，去电话亭! 你听不见我. 我多希望我能知道你听见了. 我想我要么是刚告诉你我爱你，要么就是让邻居看了笑话. Newman夫人，如果你在听, 一边去这没你的事. 我想你没多大机会听见这些, 有电话进来了, 我得走了. Oh well. Hello. Hi. Ross, 我爱你! Ohh! 谢谢. Hey. Hey. 我刚才在银行, 那有个性感的出纳, 但她没要我和她去金库做. 这事我也遇上了! 送馅饼的姑娘来了, 给了我馅饼, 拿了钱, 然后就走了! 什么, 不, "漂亮的公寓, 睡房也一定很大?" 不! 什么也没发生! 你知道吗,我们得关掉黄片了. 我想你是对的. 好吧,准备好了? 一. 二. 三. 这也不错. 是啊, 还感觉轻松了. 是啊. 想知道我们是否还能看? 是. 免费黄片!!! 对!! 我们这有免费黄片!!!
The One With The Free Porn
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.]
Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!!
Joey: (coming in from his bedroom) What is that?
Chandler: Treeger’s snaking the shower drain.
Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell?
Joey: Maybe he found you flip-flop.
(Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.)
Joey: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must’ve hit something on the remote.
Chandler: Do we pay for this?
Joey: No, we didn’t even pay our cable bill—maybe this is how they punish us.
Chandler: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our phone bill—free phone sex.
Joey: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our gas bill? (Stops and thinks about what he just said.)
Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that lady’s all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it!
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I’m sad. (Exits.)
Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]
Rachel: All right, y’know what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)
Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!
Chandler: We don’t know what could make this go away.
Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!
Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV!
Joey: Imagine a protective porn bubble if you will, okay?
Monica: Well at least, I’m going to mute it.
Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them)
Chandler: We still have porn.
Phoebe: (entering, carrying her massage table) Hi!
Rachel: Honey, what are you doing? That’s too heavy.
Rachel: Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica right away.)
Phoebe: Ohh, I’m getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Y’know, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.)
Chandler: Or a job where you don’t have to carry a table.
Phoebe: You mean like a doctor?
Joey: Pheebs! You’re blocking the porn! Look out!
Phoebe: Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport.
Monica: Oh. Why didn’t you take her?
Ross: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y’know, we-we said our good-byes this morning, so…
Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn!
Ross: (Thinks about it.) Nah.
Monica: Hey, cheer up! You’re gonna see her again, right?
Ross: Well I, that’s the thing, I don’t know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let’s just enjoy…"
Monica: (interrupting him) No-no-no, don’t-don’t do the accent. You’ve got to see her again.
Ross: And why do you care so much?
Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!
Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?
Monica: No! Y’know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.
Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid?
Monica: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!
Monica: Do you love her?
Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, y’know?
Monica: You love her!
Ross: What-what is love really?
Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You’re probably just gonna catch her just as she’s about to go to the gate. You’re gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she’s gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.
Ross: I am a good kisser.
Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in… (Ross looks at her.) I’ve been watching too much porn.
[Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel is with her. We here the baby’s heartbeat.]
Rachel: Is that the heartbeat?
The Doctor: That’s it.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh wow! This is so cool.
(The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.)
The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?
Phoebe: Why don’t take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I’ll hold onto your card, okay?
The Doctor: No, I’m getting three separate heartbeats.
Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn’t even have one!
The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time.
Phoebe: Well, yeah.
Rachel: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!
The Doctor: Definitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I’m going to have three full grown babies just walkin’ around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it’s gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!
The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn’t that different from giving birth to one.
Phoebe: What do you know?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news.]
Alice: (entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Ooh! Hi!
Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebe’s stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors?
Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, y’know how when you’re umm, you’re walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that’s nice?"
Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, you’re going to have three babies.
Alice: Three babies?
Frank: I finally got my band!
Alice: We’re gonna have a big family, I’ve always wanted a big family!
Phoebe: Oh God, I’m so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked.
Frank: Why would we be freaked?
Phoebe: No, no maybe ‘cause it’s harder to raise them, and the added expense, and…
Frank: (They’re less than happy now) Oh.
Phoebe: No, back to happy. Back to happy!
Alice: No-no-no, no, it’s going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y’know it’ll-it’ll be like my very own little sweatshop.
Frank: Yeah, I’ve been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.
Alice: No, Frank.
Phoebe: No you can’t quit college! No! You’re in college? Really?
Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college.
Frank: Yeah, y’know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y’know I figured y’know like I should y’know have like a career—and I love refrigerators!
Phoebe: You can’t give up on your dream.
Frank: No, it’s okay. We’re-we’re gonna have three kids! And that’s-that’s a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money.
[Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London.]
Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009.
Ross: Emily! (Runs up.)
Emily: Oh my God! What are you doing here? (They hug)
Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off.
Emily: You are so sweet. (They kiss.)
Ross: That’s, that’s, that’s a big candy bar. (She’s holding one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had the most amazing time with you.
Emily: Me too.
Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009.
Emily: Well, that’ me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him the candy bar.) I’m only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts towards the jetway.)
Ross: (stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm, I’ve been thinking, I’m just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I think I love you.
Emily: Oh. (She’s shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.)
Ross: That’s no problem.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of song.]
Rachel: What’s that song? It has been in my head all day long.
Chandler: It’s the theme from Good Will Humping.
Rachel: Y’know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.
Joey: Yeah right.
Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?
Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.
(Rachel starts to leave.)
Monica: Where ya going?
Rachel: I’m going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. (As she exits, Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs!
Monica: How did it go with Frank and Alice?
Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, ‘cause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.
Chandler: They don’t really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though.
Monica: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her?
Ross: I did.
Monica: And well, what did she say?
Ross: Thank you.
Monica: Oh, you’re totally welcome! What’d she say?
Ross: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you."
Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?
Joey: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!
Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard to get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: Then you go to Tokyo.
Chandler: All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, it’s over.
Monica: It is not over! You’re over!
Monica: You know!
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) Good one.
Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldn’t, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)
Ross: Okay! Okay! But if she doesn’t call, it is definitely over! No, wait. Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, y’know just to she what’s going on, and, and she says she’ll call me back, but then she doesn’t. Then it’s over.
(Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him two thumbs up.)
Joey: Way to be strong, man!
(Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives him the loser sign.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having just woken up.]
Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again.
Rachel: Well, so, why don’t you just turn it off?
Chandler: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.
Phoebe: (entering carrying a case) Ooh, good, you’re hear! Okay.
Rachel: Well, what-what ‘cha got there?
Phoebe: Oh this, well I’m glad you asked. (She opens the case and removes a knife and an soda can.) Now, don’t you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? (She efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know what you’re thinking…
Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?
Monica: Phoebe, they didn’t make you pay for those knives, did they?
Monica: Are you sure?
Rachel: Honey, you’re not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives.
Phoebe: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan.
Chandler: What’s the second part of your plan?
Phoebe: My Saturn dealership.
[Scene: Ross’s bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is awaken by the phone.]
Ross: (Answers the phone.) Hello?
Ross: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight?
Emily: It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those wonderful things.
Ross: No, no, that-that, that’s all right. Umm, I’m just glad you called.
Emily: Ross umm, there’s something that I’ve got to tell you, there’s-there’s someone else.
Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation with Emily to the gang.]
Ross: She doesn’t know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy.
Monica: This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, there can’t be another guy.
Monica: Of course there’s another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you have to prove your love!
Ross: I’m not proving anything. Okay, I’m done listening to you. If I hadn’t let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never would’ve put my fist through the wall!
Chandler: You put your fist through the wall?
Ross: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard!
Monica: You have to go to London!
Monica: Yeah, you have to go fight for her!
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. ‘Cause you already told her you love her and she didn’t say it back, then she called you and told you that there’s another guy, so yeah, go to London that’ll scare her!
Monica: When Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do?
Ross: I made fun of his accent.
Monica: You sat back and let him have her, you didn’t fight at all. Am I right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily?
Monica: All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be you and Emily! (Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London!
Monica: Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don’t let her go without a fight!
Ross: All right. All right, I’m gonna do it!
Monica: All right.
Ross: I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to London and I’m going to fight for her.
Monica: Okay, good luck!
(Ross starts to leave.)
Joey: Ross! Ross! If you’re going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? (Chandler nods his head no.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are sitting and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I’m gonna open up my own massage place and Frank’s gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn’t have to quit school!
Monica: That’s sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?
Rachel: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised…
Phoebe: I’m telling it! I’m telling it!
Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I’ve got?
Chandler: A place where no one will ever get out alive?
Phoebe: No! Think about it, it’s a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it’s…
Rachel: (interrupting) Relaxi-Taxi!
Phoebe: The name was my favourite part!
Rachel: Well, well I can up with it!
Phoebe: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That’s not good.
Rachel: Well, I…
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Ross: (on phone) Hey.
Monica: Oh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised?
[Cut to Ross in one of those British phone booths.]
Ross: No, because she hasn’t come home yet. And she hasn’t been home all night! She’s obviously staying with that other guy, and I’m the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment!
Monica: All right. When is, when is the next flight out?
Ross: About four hours.
Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn’t show up by then, then just come on home.
Phoebe: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that’s better than Relaxi Cab.
Rachel: Okay, it’s not Relaxi Cab. It’s Relaxicab, like taxicab.
Phoebe: Oh, that is better.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. There is a knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.]
Chandler: Are we in London?
Monica: What are you doing here? You can’t be here!
Emily: I’ve uh, I’ve come to talk to Ross.
(She sets her bag down on the foosball table and Joey sees the Toblerone bar sticking out of it and gazes longingly at it.)
Joey: (pause) Nothing. No, nothing.
Emily: I was going to call him, but…
Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I was right! (Points to Emily) I’m right, right?
Emily: I’d really rather talk to him.
Emily: I uh, I’ve been to his apartment and he wasn’t there, and uh. I need to talk to him, so do you have any idea where he is?
[Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emily’s apartment. We hear Emily’s phone ring with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing phone and in the meantime Emily’s answering machine picks up and once again with amazing clarity we hear Emily say…]
Emily: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don’t know if you can hear this but… (Ross has moved to the window, apparently so that he can hear better.) I’m gonna talk anyway, uh, I’m in the States with you sister and your friends and it’s all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you—Yes, Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you.
Ross: (yelling, thinking Emily can hear him through the answering machine all the way to New York.) I love you too! I’m, I’m gonna call you right now from the phone booth! (Realises) You can’t hear me. (Goes to make his call.)
Emily: I wish I could know if you’d heard any of that. I suppose I’ve either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if you’re listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there’s not much chance you did heard that, and there’s the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.
Emily: Ross, I love you!
Ross: Ohh! Thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn’t ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!
Chandler: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
Joey: Noo! Nothing!
Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn.
Joey: I think you’re right.
(Goes over and picks up the remote.)
Chandler: All right, ready?
(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)
Joey: That’s kinda nice.
Chandler: Yeah, that’s kinda a relief.
Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?
(Chandler turns on the TV and…)
Chandler: FREE PORN!!!
Chandler: We have free porn here!!!