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老友记第四季The One With Rachel New Dress

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嗨! 嗨!老话没错,孕妇肚皮像面鼓。 不是啦,因为怀孕,我连吉他也弹不了,既然如此,干脆改敲鼓算了,听起来很有劲! 听着:臭臭猫, 他们拿什么喂你? 菲菲! 很不错耶! 我知道!其实我才练了不过一个钟头。 菲比 嗨!找我有事么? 实际上,我是来求你帮个大忙的。 不是吧?千万别告诉我、你又想往我子宫里塞些什么东西了。 不、不是这样的,我想给女孩起名叫Leslie, Frank 想给其中一个男孩起名叫Frank 二世的二世。 那不就是Frank 三世么? 别瞎掺和好么! 既然有三个孩子,而且用过我们的名字了,如果你能给第三个孩子起名字的话,我们会很荣幸的。 太好了!Oh! Oh! 叫豹子如何? 你好好想想吧。 我把胸罩晾在晾衣杆上了,要是你宝贝儿子误认为是你的,会不会留下心理创伤? 他妈都可以有老婆,他爸为什么不能戴胸罩? 我该走了。 别,那个钟有点儿快,我们还有17分钟。我们在17分钟里面能干什么呢?而且做2次? 雄心勃勃呀 别管它! 那是Carol 和你儿子! 相信我,等他大一些,就会理解他老爹了。 Ross! 马上就来!你们好! Emily, 这是Carol 和 Susan. 嗨,很高兴终于能见到你们! 我也是! Ohh, 知道么,Susan 下周要到伦敦去拍个广告片。 是的,我好高兴呀,从来没去过那里。 是么?那我带你到处逛逛吧。 那太好了,我想去看展览,有什么好推荐的么?? 好东西成堆,我和你一起去吧。 啊! 看你们俩,这么亲密,去机场时间不够了 你怎么了? 他没事。只不过我们关系太好,他看不过去,因为他讨厌我。 Oh 别这么说!虽-虽然是事实。 嗨! 嗨!想好名字了么? 还没有!好难!我翻遍整本书,什么都没找到。我想找一个听起来很强的,比如像:Exxon 呵呵,对那些瓦尔迪兹的小孩还比较合适。 菲菲, 你看这个强不强? The Hulk(巨人)? 不,Hulk好像不怎么样,不过用The开头这个主意倒是挺好的。 好名字是么?Joey就不错呀,Joey是你的至亲,Joey是你的密友。 “大家都哪儿去了?”“他们都去找Joey玩去了。” 叫孩子Joey,还不如叫他Chandler。 Chanlder这名字挺好的,又显得成熟。你了解他的话,就更会觉得他可爱了。 Joey也很可爱呀!而且什么时候你需要他,他就会到你身边。 Chandler也会到你身边的。也许,会晚一些,可是-可是,他一定会到的。而且他会带一些冰汽水,如果你太饥渴的话。 你说呢? 我觉得用我喜欢的人的名字这主意不错,而且Joey和Chanlder都是挺不错的名字。但是,算了,也许我还是该叫他The Hulk的好。 早知道我就不说了!我还想给我的孩子起这个名字呢。 嗨!Mon,如果今晚是你和Joshua第一次睡的话,你会穿这其中的哪件? 帮别人挑选性感睡衣,很怪耶 对不起,我太激动了。我都等了好几个月了!染头发,换床单,还给他准备丰盛晚餐。 恩 顺便问问,我给他做的什么? 你给他做了:有松仁和奶酪的沙拉,里面还有野生臻果,野稻香饭, 烤笋和鲑鱼尾。 原本不是做法国小牛排么? 你本来是这么打算的,可是餐馆里有剩下的鲑鱼,于是你就决定做这个了。 而且你还意识到,如果再这么唧唧歪歪的话,你就会什么也不做了,只能吃烤土豆、喝健怡。 我做菜的时候脾气真暴躁。 嘿 嗯,Emily 昨晚打电话过来了。 那你怎么现在才告诉我? 听起来好像Emily被Susan迷疯了。她们一起去剧院,一起晚餐,还一起去骑马! 天哪,Susan太有意思了! 你瞧,这也太巧了吧?就好像我和Carol分手前半年的时候一样,我所听到的都是:“我朋友Susan好聪明呀!我朋友Susan好好玩呀!我朋友Susan是同性恋。” 你真的觉得Emily和Susan之间会出什么问题么? 嘿!她们甚至一起去健身房呢! 两个女人!做伸展运动,还一起蒸浴!事情越来越过瘾了--你难道没看过 Personal Best这出女同志电影? 没有,不过我很想看! 你疯了么?你说的可是Emily, 她又不是同性恋! 你怎么知道不是?我和Carol结婚之前,她也不是同性恋啊! 我确定,我不喜欢"Ross"这个名字。 你这不是落井下石么? 不!不! 我是说给孩子起名字。 叫Ross有什么不好的? 因为叫The Hulk的人,不会碰到你说的这些事儿。 也不一定,在"The Incredible Hulk"第72集里,Bruce博士发现...... 算了,无所谓了,谁让我女友是个同性恋呢。 我决定了,最后在"Joey"和"Chandler"里面选一个。 你还是选Joey吧!想想,哪个名人会叫Chandler? Raymond Chandler (美侦探小说家) 说个不是你自个儿胡诌的! 算了,叫Joey的也没有名人呀,除了,Joey Buttafucco. 还是别提那小子了。 那,中和一下怎么样呢?比如说,Chanoey? 算了吧,Joey! 首先,他当不成总统。总统怎能叫Joey? 好吧,我本不想提的,可是Chandler是我这辈子听说过的最蠢的名字!它根本就不像个名字,甚至连个词都算不上。听起来像是Chandelier(装饰灯), 但却不是。对吧?它是很蠢很蠢的非名字! 你,你是对的,我的名字真的很差劲! 对不起,我不想--我--对不起。 那就只有Joey了吧? 太完美了,谢谢你! 别这么说,我很喜欢做菜。那么,开吃吧! 太好了!看起来很不错也! 噢,天哪! 我知道,上帝呀,这太--这米饭太--我还不错。 瞧你后面? 不好意思,它们原来住在这里,有时会回来看看。 能不能请它们回避一下?我,我很害怕这些家禽。 好的,当然可以。 嘿!你们怎么溜出去的?快进来。 都走了!你怕家禽? 这是我唯一的怪癖。我应该早点儿告诉你,可是我不知道它们会在这儿。 没什么啦! 好吧,你想要点儿--怎么了?怎么了? 没什么,只是我想到它们还在外面。 可是,它们已经到对面去了。隔了两个门,它们想要回来可得花功夫了。 这,这没那么可笑。 好吧,我们到别处可能会好些。我是说,我们可以把这些打包到你那儿去。 我那儿这周还在忙着装修,有点儿乱。不过,我现在住在我父母那里,我们可以去那里。 你父母? 噢,他们都出城去了。 哦 那里很大呀,而且正好能看到公园的美丽景色,很浪漫的。你说呢? 好的,当然了。 我嗅到恐惧 嘿! Ben怎么样啊? 我问他想不想吃东西,他说:“不”。我问他想不想睡觉,他说:“不”。我问他想干嘛,他说:“不”。所以,他在扫地。 Ben! 你,有Susan的消息么? 有啊!她说和Emily在一起很开心。 你有没有,渐渐的感觉到,我不知道你有没有没想过,她们在一起会不会太过于开心了? 你这是什么意思? 我是说,当初我们结婚时,你和Susan的那种开心劲儿? 天哪,你想得也太多了! 有么?当然了! 有么?Emily我不敢说,不过Susan会永远忠于我的。 Carol, 我们原来不也是么?好吧,只是设想一下,假如Susan碰到某人,擦出了火花。 想想,假如她们一起从剧院回来,路过一家酒吧喝了点酒,谈笑风生,然后是无意识的身体接触...... 那种电流,是全新的感觉,让人振奋!你还能说没有一点点的可能性会出事么? 可能吧。 噢 天啊!真不敢相信连你都这么说了! 尽管别的孩子都不信我,可我对天发誓,那只鸭子确实推了我。 这地方真不错! 嗯,我带你到处看看。这儿是楼下的起居室。 哇,有两个起居室?天啊,在这里长大的小孩该有多幸福呀! 可能吧,不过,我父母是刚搬过来的。 不过这里真的很不错,想到处看看么? 要不,这样好了,我先把食物放到冰箱里,待会儿再吃? 好计划。哪儿可以梳洗一下? 就在那边,左手边的第二个门。 啊 亲爱的! 妈、爸,你们怎么回来了? 我们缩短了行程。 法国太没意思了! 说来也巧,我这儿正好有个约会。 好了,别说了! 我们只是拿些食物,然后到楼上去,不会打扰你们的。 那,那太好了。你们连意大利也不去了么? 不去了,没意思! 嗨!你! 噢,天哪! 我知道,我不只会烧菜哟! 我喜欢她,看起来很聪明么。 Rachel, 我父母 很高兴见到你们。Hello. Hello. Hello. Joshua, 这就是你花$500买的日用品? 什么?这个,不是,不不不,完全不是。 你瞧,我在时装行业工作,而且,这事实上是一件晚礼服。 米兰很流行。而且我工作的一部分就是穿着它看人们的反应,然后汇报给我在Bloomingdale的上级。 显然,现阶段,我得这么汇报,“美国还没准备好.” 也许在洛杉矶可以接受。 是呀! 那就是了。 你们吃了么? 我们本打算先.....待会儿吃的。 我们要饿死了,为什么不去吃点儿东西呢? 好的,没道理浪费时间在这里啊。 那,我们出去吃吧。 你就穿着这个,我们吃的时候,你就这么穿吧。 那个,对不起我说了那话。 不,不,你是对的,这名字太荒唐了。 还不是那么糟糕了。 是的,就是。现在开始,我就不要名字了。 那,你就只剩Bing了? 算了,姓也不要了。 好吧,那我们怎么叫你呢? 好吧,现在开始,你们暂时叫我Clint吧。 你又不酷,才不配Clint这个名字呢。 那我能酷到用哪个名字呢? 嗯,Gene. 是Clint, Clint. 再见,Gene 再见,Gene 是Clint, clint! Gene这是怎么了? 然后你就穿着你的睡衣去吃饭了么? 是的,最精彩的部分是,服务生把水泼到我背上的时候,我跳了起来,然后我的mimi就蹦了出来。 -Oh, 天哪! -Oh, 不是吧? 没什么啦,还算对得起观众。 我刚听Emily说,她和Susan一起去读诗会了。 那又怎样?怎样?诗歌也!Susan是同性恋,她们在搞同性恋。 Emily不是同性恋。 Oh, 别傻了! Wow, Carol让你快疯了! 什么? 对,她让你陷入这种多疑、疯狂、嫉妒和阿谀奉承的状态. 好吧,就算我不知道阿谀奉承是什么意思,可是剩下的都是对的。 听着,我不知道你在说什么,我才不是个发疯的嫉妒狂呢。 呃 什么? 她说的太对了!我们在一起的时候,一个Mark就让你抓狂了,可我们并没什么。 完全正确! 一点儿都不对。 谁说不对了?高中的时候,即使你“所有的”女友都在欺骗你,可你自己一点儿都不嫉妒。 好吧,好吧,然后直到92年和93年的时候,他都很信任别人。但是94年的打击之后,Carol离开了他,嘭!《妄想者之都》。 正确。 这太有意思了! 一点儿都不好玩! 我们想说,别让你和Carol的事破坏了你和Emily的关系。 就是,92年的Ross就不会这样。 我还是觉得那个什么Mark的事,我猜的没错。 什么?你知道什么?我希望Emily是个同性恋。 轮鼓! 好吧,帮帮忙,我叫Mark好,还是John合适? 恩,叫Mark你不够高,当Barney倒还行。 好吧,我是认真的。明天下午3:30我就去法庭。 你真的要这么做? 我这辈子都被这个名字左右。也许就是因为它,上学时、其他小孩老是作弄我,而现在又一个女人也没搞定。所以明天下午4点后,我要么叫Mark Johnson, 要么就是John Markson。 你的那些问题是因为你自己,而不是你的名字! 好吧,就这样了! Chandler是个好名字,实际上,对不起。 name the baby Chandler. 我知道你很想让我给孩子起名字叫Joey, 可是,我准备,准备叫他Chandler了。 真的?是的,可你不能改名字啦! 好的,谢谢! 来,抱一个! 耶 好的! 我这就去告诉Frank和Alice! 现在就去! 好 再见 哈! 箱子挺漂亮的。 我正准备这么说。 嘿!想你! 我也想你 谢谢你的照顾,我过得很愉快! 我也是! 亲脸别亲嘴。

The One With Rachel’s New Dress

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters carrying a drum.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum.

Phoebe: (not amused) Ha-ha. (She sits down on the couch.) No, it’s just I’m so pregnant that I—my guitar doesn’t fit anymore. So I thought ‘til I’m not, I’m just gonna play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really cool!

Chandler: All right.

Phoebe: Listen. Listen. (She starts to play and sing.) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

Joey: Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great!

Phoebe: I know! I know, and I’ve only been playing for like an hour!

Alice: (entering) Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi!

Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing here?

Alice: Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favour.

Phoebe: Oh, well, don’t tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus.

Alice: (laughs) No. No. No. (Sits down.) Okay, now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR.

Chandler: Wouldn’t that be Frank the III?

Alice: Don’t get me started. (To Phoebe) Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named the other boy baby.

Phoebe: Wow! That’s so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar.

Alice: You think about it. (Leaves)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, he and Emily are getting ready to go to the airport.]

Emily: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don’t think your son will think it’s yours and be horribly traumatised?

Ross: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra.

Emily: (checks the clock) Ohh, it’s time to go.

Ross: Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock’s a little fast, uh, we have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice?

Emily: Well that’s ambitious.

(They kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the door.)

Ross: Hey, uh, you can ignore that.

Emily: That’s Carol with your son!

Ross: Uhh, believe me when he’s older, he’ll understand.

Carol: (knocking on the door) Ross!

Ross: I’ll be right there. (He goes over and opens the door to Carol, Susan, and Ben.) (To Ben.) Hello! (To Carol.) Hello! (To Susan.) Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan.

Susan: Hey, it’s so nice to finally meet you!

Emily: Me too!

Carol: Ohh, y’know, Susan’s gonna be shooting a commercial in London next week.

Susan: Oh yeah, I’m so excited, I’ve never been there.

Emily: Oh, well, I’ll show you around.

Susan: That would be great! Also, uh, I was hoping to catch a show so if you can make any suggestions…

Emily: Oh, there’s tonnes of terrific stuff—I’ll go with you!

Susan: Ahh!

(Ross accidentally, on purpose, bumps into Susan.)

Ross: Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so…

Emily: Are you all right?

Susan: Oh, he’s fine. He’s fine. It’s just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesn’t like me.

Ross: Oh come on! That’s-that’s… true.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hi!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet?

Phoebe: Ugh! No! This is so hard! I went through this whole book (Holds up a book) and found nothing! I want a name that’s really like, y’know strong and confident, y’know? Like-like Exxon.

Chandler: Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid.

Joey: Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name? How about, The Hulk?

Phoebe: No, I’m-I’m not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with "The."

Joey: Oh, want a good name, go with Joey. Joey’s your pal. Joey’s your buddy. "Where is everybody?" "Well, they’re hanging out with Joey."

Chandler: Hey, y’know what, if you’re gonna do that, if you’re gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesn’t think so.) Oh, come on! Chandler’s funny, sophisticated, and he’s very loveable, once you get to know him.

Joey: Oh well, hey, Joey’s loveable too! But the thing about Joey is, if you need him, he’ll be there.

Chandler: Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he’ll be there. And he’ll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you’re really hot.

Joey: What do ya say? What do ya say?

Phoebe: Well, I, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love, and Joey and Chandler are great names. (They both stare at her.) But, all right, I don’t—maybe I’ll just name him The Hulk.

Joey: I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it! That’s what I wanted to name my kid!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking and Rachel is getting ready for a date with Joshua.]

Rachel: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua the first time tonight, which one of these would you want to be wearing. (She’s holding two frilly, lace nighties.)

Monica: Y’know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people’s sex clothes.

Rachel: Sorry. I’m so exited! I’ve been waiting for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! I’m making him a very fancy meal.

Monica: Um-hmm.

Rachel: What am I making him by the way?

Monica: Well, you’re making him a frieze salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup.

Rachel: I thought I was making him filet mignon?

Monica: Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left over at the restaurant. And then you realised if you (Points at Rachel) bitched about it, then you (Points to herself) would stop cooking, and you (Points at Rachel) would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.

Rachel: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: So uh, Emily called last night…

Chandler: And now you’re giving me the message!

Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, they’re going to the theatre together! They’re going to dinner! They’re going horseback riding!

Phoebe: God, Susan is so fun!

Ross: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay? For like, for like six months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was: "My friend Susan is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great."

Chandler: You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan?

Ross: Hey, they’re going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! Y’know they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playful—didn’t you see Personal Best?

Joey: No, but I’m gonna!

Chandler: Hi! Hi! You’re crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight.

Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her!

Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely. I don’t like the name Ross.

Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I’m down.

Phoebe: No! No! I-I meant for the baby!

Ross: Oh. What’s wrong with Ross?

Phoebe: Well, it’s just y’know that something like this would never to like The Hulk, y’know…

Ross: Actually that-that’s not true, in The Incredible Hulk uh, No. 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found… (Sees everyone staring at him and stops.) Y’know, ugh, nevermind, my girlfriend’s a lesbian. (Leaves.)

Phoebe: So, I decided I’m definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler.

Joey: Oh! Oh-oh, you gotta pick Joey! I mean, name one famous person named Chandler.

Chandler: Raymond Chandler.

Joey: Someone you didn’t make up!

Chandler: Okay, there are no famous Joey’s. Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco.

Joey: Yeah, that guy really hurt us.

Phoebe: Well, how about a compromise then, okay? What if it’s like y’know, Chanoey?

Chandler: Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he’ll never be President. There’s never gonna be a President Joey.

Joey: All right look man, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It’s not even a name; it’s barely even a word. Okay? It’s kinda like chandelier, but it’s not! All right? It’s a stupid, stupid non-name!

Chandler: Wow, you’re, you’re right. I have a horrible, horrible name.

Joey: I’m sorry man, I didn’t—I’m-I’m sorry. I’m sorry. (Goes over and comforts him.)

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: So I guess it’s Joey then!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on her dinner date with Joshua.]

Joshua: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this.

Rachel: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. (They kiss.) Ahh. So, dig in!

Joshua: Great! Oh, it all looks sooo good!

Rachel: (taking a bite) Hmmm!

Joshua: Oh my God!

Rachel: Oh I know, my God, this is so—this rice is so—I am so good.

Joshua: Behind you?

Rachel: (sees the chick and the duck) Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. They used to live here; sometimes they migrate back over.

Joshua: (getting up and backing away from they.) Is there ah, is there some way they can not be here. It’s just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out!

Rachel: Yeah, sure, okay. Okay.

(Rachel gets up and ushers them into the hall, as they pass Joshua, he leaps onto the counter to avoid them. Rachel drops them off in the hall, and knocks on Joey’s door.)

Joey: (answering the door.) Hey, how did you do that?! Come on in. (He brings them inside.)

[Cut back to Rachel’s date.]

Rachel: All gone! So, farm birds, huh?

Joshua: Yeah, it’s-it’s my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I would’ve told you about it, but I didn’t know they would be here.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: So, all right.

(They both sit back down.)

Rachel: Okay. So, can I serve you a little of—What? What? What? (She sees that Joshua isn’t relaxed.)

Joshua: Nothing I uh, it’s just that I know that they’re still out there.

Rachel: But, they’re across the hall! I mean that’s two doors away, it would take them a long time to peck their way back over here.

Joshua: Okay, that’s-that’s not funny. Uhh.

Rachel: Okay, y’know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and y’know go to your apartment.

Joshua: Oh, they’re working on this week, it’s a total mess. But uh, I’m staying at my parents’ house, we could go there.

Rachel: Your parents’?

Joshua: Yeah, they’re out of town.

Rachel: Ohh.

Joshua: Yeah-yeah, it’s this huge place, and-and it’s got this gorgeous view of the park, and very, very romantic. What do you say?

Rachel: Yeah that works.

(He moves to kiss her, but stops when he hears the duck.)

Joshua: They-they-they can smell fear.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Carol has come to pick up Ben.]

Ross: (opening the door.) Hey!

Carol: Hey! How’s Ben?

Ross: Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, "No." I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said, "No." I asked him what he wanted to do, he said, "No." So, he’s sweeping. (We see Ben playing with a broom and a dustpan.)

Carol: Hey, Ben! Hey!

Ross: So umm, any word from Susan?

Carol: Ooh, yeah! She said she’s having sooo much fun with Emily.

Ross: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to you that, I don’t know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun?

Carol: What’s too much fun?

Ross: Y’know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married.

Carol: Oh my God, you are so paranoid!

Ross: Am I?!

Carol: Yes!

Ross: Am I?!

Carol: I can’t speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.

Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Y’know? Say-say they’re coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they’re laughing, y’know, someone innocently touches someone else… There’s electricity, it’s new. It’s exciting. Are you telling me there isn’t even the slightest possibility of something happening?

Carol: Maybe.

Ross: OH MY GOD!! I didn’t really believe it until you just said it!!

[Scene: Joshua’s parents’ apartment, Rachel and Joshua are entering.]

Joshua: …and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me!

Rachel: Wow! This place is fabulous!

Joshua: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living room.

Rachel: Whoa-whoa, there’s two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place must’ve been a real babe magnet.

Joshua: Yeah, well, it would’ve been, but uh, my parents just moved here.

Rachel: Ohh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out?

(They kiss.)

Joshua: Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t uh, I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later?

Rachel: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I can go freshen up?

Joshua: Oh yeah, yeah uh, it’s down the hall and uh, second door to your left.

Rachel: Ah.

(She goes down the hall. Joshua goes to put the food away when his parents walk in.)

Mrs. Burgin: Oh, hi, darling!

Joshua: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here?

Mrs. Burgin: Oh, well we cut the trip short.

Mr. Burgin: France sucks!

Joshua: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I got a date here.

Mrs. Burgin: Oh, say no more!

Mr. Burgin: We’ll just grab some food and take it with us right upstairs, and we’ll be right out of you hair.

Joshua: Oh, that-that would be great. So you didn’t even get to Italy?

Mr. Burgin: Yep, sucks!

(They all go into the kitchen. Just then, Rachel comes back from the bathroom; she had removed her dress and is wearing nothing but a lace nightie. She tries to find someplace seductive to wait for Joshua. She tries to sit on the piano, but it makes too much noise. So she goes over to the couch and kinda half lays down to wait for Joshua. Joshua comes in from the kitchen, sees Rachel, and freezes.)

Rachel: Hi you!

Joshua: Oh my God!

Rachel: I know, I can do more than cook.

(Just then, his parents enter. Rachel gasps.)

Mr. Burgin: I like her. She sees smart.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Joshua’s parents’ apartment, continued from earlier.]

Joshua: Uhh, Rachel, my parents…

Rachel: Ohh! It’s so nice to meet you. (She goes over and shakes their hands.) Hello.

Mr. Burgin: Hi.

Rachel: Hello.

Mrs. Burgin: Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries.

Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is not—that’s-that’s not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. It’s-it’s, they’re-they’re wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale’s, so… And obviously in uh, in-in this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am going to report back, "USA not ready."

Mrs. Burgin: Maybe in L.A?

Rachel: Yes!

Joshua: There you go.

Mr. Burgin: So, have you kids eaten yet?

Rachel: Well, we were going to do that after—I mean umm, next.

Mr. Burgin: Well, we’re starving, why don’t we all go get something to eat?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, well… Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lyin’ around the house.

Mr. Burgin: So… We go eat.

Rachel: Yes.

Mr. Burgin: You’ll wear that. We’ll be eating, and of course, you’ll be wearing that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is looking for a new name in Phoebe’s book of names.]

Joey: Dude, I am sorry about what I said!

Chandler: No, no, you’re right, it is a ridiculous name!

Joey: It’s not that bad.

Chandler: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name.

Joey: So, you’re just Bing?

Chandler: I have no name.

Phoebe: All right, so, what are we supposed to call you?

Chandler: Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint.

Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull of Clint.

Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?

Phoebe: Umm, Gene.

Chandler: It’s Clint. It’s Clint! (He heads for his bedroom.)

Joey: See you later, Gene.

Phoebe: Bye, Gene.

Chandler: It’s Clint! Clint!

Joey: What’s up with Gene?

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe and Monica of her date.]

Monica: So, you wore your nightie to dinner?

Rachel: Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out.

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: Oh, no!

Rachel: No, it’s all right. I got nice boobs. (Phoebe and Monica nod there heads in agreement.)

Ross: (returning from the phone.) So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan are going to a poetry reading together!

Rachel: So?

Ross: So! Poetry? Susan’s gay! They’re being gay together!

Monica: Emily’s straight.

Ross: Oh, wake up!

Phoebe: Wow, Carol really messed you up!

Ross: Excuse me?

Phoebe: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. (They all look at her.) All right, so I don’t know what sycophant means, but the rest is right.

Ross: Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am not a crazy, jealous person.

Rachel: Huh.

Ross: What?

Rachel: She’s totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark and there was nothing going on.

Monica: This totally makes sense!

Ross: It does not!

Monica: Oh, sure it does! In high school, you weren’t jealous at all even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you!

Phoebe: All right, all right, so up until ‘92-93 he was very trusting, then ’94 hit, Carol left him and bamn! Paranoid city!

Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely!

Monica: This is so much fun!

Ross: This is not fun!

Monica: Look, all we’re trying to say is, don’t let what happened with Carol ruin what you got with Emily.

Phoebe: Yeah. The ’92 Ross wouldn’t.

Ross: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing.

Rachel: What—yeah—what, y’know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is showing off more of her drum skills to Joey by rubbing one of the sticks back and forth across the drum.]

Phoebe: Drum roll.

Chandler: (entering) Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John?

Joey: Nah, you’re not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good Barney.

Chandler: All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse.

Phoebe: You’re actually going through with this?

Chandler: Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, it’s probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women… So, as of 4 o’clock tomorrow, I’m either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson.

Phoebe: You got problems because of you! Not your name! All right, this has got to stop! Chandler is a great name! In fact—yes, (To Joey) I’m, I’m sorry. I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but eh, so, I’m-I’m, I’m gonna, I’m gonna name the baby Chandler.

Chandler: (pleased) Really?!

Phoebe: Yeah, but you have to keep the name too!

Chandler: Okay. Thanks.

Phoebe: Okay!

Chandler: You wanna hug it out?

Phoebe: Yeah!

(They both hug.)

Phoebe: Yay!

Chandler: Yay!

Phoebe: Yay—oh—yay! Okay, I gotta go tell Frank and Alice! Right now!

Chandler: Okay!

Phoebe: Ooh, uh… (She grabs her coat and runs out.)

Chandler: Bye, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Okay, bye!

(She exits, and after the door is closed, Chandler turns to Joey and…)

Chandler: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Joey: Ohh! (Realises it was all a trick to get Phoebe to name the baby Chandler.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: the airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go.]

Ross: Nice luggage.

Carol: I was gonna say…

(Susan and Emily get off.)

Susan: Hey!

(They both run and hug they’re respective partners.)

Ross: Hi!

Emily: Hey! I missed you.

Ross: Oh, I missed you too.

Susan: (To Emily) Thanks for everything, I had such a great time.

Emily: Oh, so did I.

(They hug and give each other a little peck on the cheek.)

Ross: (To Carol) No tongue. (And gives her the thumbs up.)

END

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