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老友记第四季The One With The Worst Best Man Ever

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来这里后第十次小便了。 你好象也说过十次了。 抱歉,听到这种事肯定不舒服。任凭三个婴儿在膀胱上大唱音乐剧才叫爽! 我烦透怀孕了。唯一乐趣是杯咖啡还不含咖啡因,都是怀孕闹的! Pheebs,想吃点小甜饼吗? 非常感谢。 情绪波动是怎么开始的? 我的情绪波动还没开始。 嘿 看戒指。 我愿意!万分愿意! 告别单身派对打算怎么搞? 你该先选伴郎,再让伴郎保管结婚戒指和筹划告别单身派对 不好意思 我已经请钱德做我的伴郎。 什么?你第一次结婚、他就是伴郎。 Joey,我希望你能理解。我认识他长久得多 别这样,Ross! 我没有兄弟,我将没机会做伴郎了。 你可以等我结婚时做我的伴郎 看来我永远没有机会做伴郎了! 等等。你当了我两次伴郎而我却不能当一次你的伴郎? 喔,不,你当然是我的伴郎 那我怎么办?你刚才说我会是你的伴郎 我还没结婚呢。所以这个问题只有科幻小说作家才能解答 我不信,你竟然不选我 为什么不是我?! 我还没。。。 好吧,那这样。从现在开始,我希望Joey是我的伴郎 这才对。你羞不羞呀 不要动 / 怎么呢? 一个小孩正在踢着玩 这是好事。 它不是踢我。它在踢另一个小孩。 别招我进来修理你! 嘿 我想借一个大碗,你们有吗? 有的,在橱柜下面。 谢谢. / 你要它干嘛? 喔,我们明天晚上要开一个大聚会。 嘿,你准备邀请我们吗? -以后再说 -嘿,你给我滚回来、小崔!! 荷尔蒙作用! Phoebe想说的是,你们怎么能这样,开聚会而不邀请我们? 喔,这是Ross的单身汉聚会 那又怎样? / 你们是单身汉吗? 不是! /你们是跳脱衣舞的吗? 不是! /那么你们将不被邀请。 好吧。那么我们也不会邀请你参加我们的聚会 喔,什么聚会? 嗯。。ˇ 为Phoebe举办的新生儿送礼会! 新生儿送礼会. 喔! 这个聚会我好像不想参加。再见 竟为我办聚会。太好了 聚会,耶~!我怎么哭了。 我目前计划为聚会准备啤酒,多来几箱。 很好. 好,现在看该邀请谁。你,我, Chandler,还有阿甘,因为我们讨论派对时太大声 我会去的 聚会是给你办的,但邀请博物馆呆子时是不是控制一下数量 好,我不打算邀请人类学家。只邀请恐龙学家。 那我们需要6箱Zima酒! 伙计们,在干嘛? 喔,我在和伴郎筹划单身汉聚会 希望能比上次办得好 这次不在Pizza Hut的地下室举行,要办得好些并不很难 喔,我是Ross.必胜客配不上我 我去接ben了。joey,目前为止你干得很好记住,派对要办得稳重一些 我们几个玩玩纸牌,不要脱衣舞什么的 行啊. / 好了,再见. 再见。好好享受、筹划你的稳重的单身汉聚会吧 到时候会有脱衣舞的。他又没说不能有脱衣舞 他刚才说:“不要有脱衣舞” 我选择不听这句话。 看我买了什么。他们竟为小孩设计了这些衣服 是为小村民设计的 那看看这个。这是我最喜欢的 喔,太漂亮了 我知道。Phoebe肯定喜欢给 BB穿这些衣服 对。不过,Phoebe不会给他们穿衣服 因为她管生不管养 从没有如此伤感的庆生会 不如送一些生完小孩后能用到的东西,比如含咖啡因的咖啡,龙舌兰酒 还有她一直想要的皮裤! 她必定开心。 这是什么?送我两个月内都用不上的东西,难道会使我开心? 差劲。下一个礼物是什么? 其他没什么了 那些脱衣舞娘…… 怎么? /邀请得好! 好,我宣布,我决定我的伴郎由我最好的朋友阿甘担任 我姓什么? Central Perk? 谢谢你没有娶Rachel. 喔,等一下, 阿甘,不要忘记你的T恤 嘿,这是什么? 聚会小礼物,你看 哇! 帅! 哦! 好,我宣布,我的伴郎位置空缺 新娘的人选也没定 太棒了! 又耍嘴皮子,老兄, 你脖子上有辣椒 好了,谢谢大家。聚会很棒。各位,星期一早上见谢谢Joey。 嘿,不要忘记拿你的T恤/ 谢谢! 博物馆的伙计们,聚会结束了。好了,再见,跟这位女士再见。你们该走了。回父母的地下室去。 来,伙计们,出来。 多么可爱的小东西呀。你养的吗? /是的! 鸡鸭也能当宠物养? 对。我的鸭子训练有素。看我表演给你看。看着墙,不要动,变成白色。 你很擅长驯鸭。今晚我很开心,你办聚会很在行。 谢谢。很高兴认识你。以后我的朋友结婚或过生日或庆祝周二 尽管找我。晚安 你愿意留下来吗? 要我留下?/你可以跟我的鸭子玩. 嘿—— 脱衣舞娘! 脱衣舞娘偷了戒指!! Chandler! Chandler, 起床! 什么? /戒指不见了! 等一会。给点时间让我清醒一下。哈哈,你丢了戒指,你是史上最差劲伴郎 伙计,这不好玩。我该怎么办?我昨晚睡了一觉,一切都很好。但一觉醒来,脱衣舞娘不见了,戒指也不见了 你和脱衣舞娘睡觉? 当然!! 各位好. / Hi! Phoebe. / Hi Phoebe. 我想向你们道歉,我知道我在昨天的送礼会上有点神经质。都是荷尔蒙捣鬼 是呀 / “荷尔蒙”. / 对. 不管怎样,我要谢谢你们。聚会太温馨了 你现在好象好多了。太好了。那么你目前的情况如何? 我很好。别老是谈我,你们最近如何? 我们刚在讨论我不去参加Ross 婚礼的事情/ 喔! 过去发生那么多事,若去参加婚礼,那太让人难过了 这让我想起一件事。我露宿街头时,一个家伙同意给我买吃的,不过前提是我陪他睡觉 这两件事有什么相似之处吗? 让我想想。不太相似。我那是在温饱线上挣扎,你的烦恼不过是些高中时代的风花雪月 对不起,我只是觉得... 眼泪攻势来了 Ugh! 我不知道我还能做什么。我打电话给脱衣舞公司,但他们根本不理我。 然后我打电话给911,他们却嘲笑我。这都不算是紧急事件,那什么事才算? 大家好! / Hey! / Heyˇ 非常感谢昨晚的晚会,晚会太棒了。大家都很尽兴 昨天来的人中有一个从来没有参加过单身汉聚会,还有一个从来没有参加过聚会 那个结婚戒指,很漂亮。 是的! 我想我也许会去为我自己买一个 那个戒指?当我外祖母第一次到这个国家来时,这个戒指和衣服是她唯一拥有的东西 你的意思是这个戒指无可替代? 当然。它已经在我们家族中传了好几代了,每个得到它的新娘都拥有了长久和幸福的生活。 也就是说这是一个魔戒 脱衣舞娘偷了它 偷了我的戒指?我的结婚戒指?那个脱衣舞娘偷了它?怎么会?怎么会这样? 我想这一切从你说“嘿, Joey,为什么不作我的伴郎”开始。 我要打电话给警察 喂,我是把事情弄糟了,但你也没必要告发我。 不是告发你,而是告发那个脱衣舞娘 喔,我已经报警了。他们说等处理完所有的谋杀案后,他们会来调查的 那么我们打电话到她的公司 我也打了。但他们没有告诉我她的真实姓名和号码 他们还说“如果我再打搅他们的话,他们就叫警察” 我说“如果你打电话给警察局,别忘记告诉他们我丢了一个戒指” 那么, Joey,你现在想告诉我什么?我们现在毫无办法? 怎么会发生这种事 Ross, 我非常非常的抱歉ˇ 要不我们打电话找她,用一个假名,让她到我办公室来 这一定有趣,但我们现在需要先找戒指 给你茶, Phoebe. 太好了。谢谢 好. / 你喜欢,我们很开心 喔! / 什么?! / 什么?! 是她泡的茶! 喔! 不,我想我刚才宫缩了一下. 什么? / 天啦! 是的,我刚才认为几分钟前我宫缩了一下,现在我知道我肯定宫缩了 等等,你不能在这生孩子! 我的意思是自从那些男孩子搬走了,我还没对这里消过毒 好吧,我们会没事的。这样,我去烧些开水并去撕些床单 不用了,现在好了。这次可能是假性宫缩。他们说在晚期会有这种现象。给我把书拿来 Rachel, 去拿书,那本书 好!给你 圣经?! /我不知道拿哪本书! 好了,很好,Chandler, 你坐到桌子那边去 她开开心心跑来,她不会认出你,因为,嗯,为什么会认出你呢?然后,你给我和Ross发信号 你是Mr. Gonzalez, 我是, Mr. Wong. 我们俩换一下. 有人叫警卫吗? 你镇定一些. 你们哪一个是阿甘 Central-Perk? 嘿,Joey? 我的戒指在那里?我那死去的外祖母的戒指在哪里? 伙计,镇定一些. 他在说什么? 有个戒指在我床头柜的盒子里,你走了以后,它就不见了 什么,你们认为我偷了戒指? / 是的! 你拿它,就可以少干些活,还能少些忏悔 你们是谁? Hardy boys? 记着,我不需要什么愚蠢的戒指,知道吗? 我每个星期挣$1,600,你们谁能挣这么多? 嫁给我吧. 我真不明白。戒指整个晚上都在我房间里!如果她没拿, 我没拿 你也没拿,那谁拿了?嘘,我们在考虑问题 我还是不明白你怎么知道什么时候是假性宫缩 那么你现在看到孩子了吗? 现在感觉如何? 我想,我不知道,我想一切都会过去的 是呀,这不是件好事吗?你说你已经很厌倦这些了 我知道。当你怀孕时,你会自然作些妈妈会做的事 我会穿着我的皮裤,喝着龙舌兰酒,无所事事 有些妈妈也是这样 这让我更悲伤。我知道我使我自己进入了某种状态,就是他们现在在我的身体里,就像... 我的意思是当这些小孩离开我时,我会难过的 好了,这并不是表明你一无所有,你会有很多侄子和侄女,也许这样还好一些 就是. 确实。你不用为他们上大学而急着存钱,也不用在他们表现不好时呵斥他们,也不用在他们平静不下来时决定是否给他们服用过动儿麻醉药 我的意思是, 你是他们离家出走是会来找的那个人,是与之讨论性的那个人 你就是那个酷舅妈Phoebe! 酷舅妈Phoebe.我确实很酷! 是的。还有,你知道,他们会爱你 他们会爱我。. / Oh! 谢谢你们. / Oh, sweetie! 怎么啦?! / 开个玩笑. 阿! / 怎么?! 天啦! /还是开个玩笑, 你们太容易受骗了. 如果它出了什么事ˇ Joey!兽医说这是个简单的手术 肯定有问题! 如果它没吃戒指怎么办 它吃了, Joe. 好吧, 但如果它是无辜的怎么办? 它是多么好的一只鸭子 我很担心它,知道吗? 有人丢戒指了吗? 喔!谢谢! 太谢谢了! 鸭子现在怎么样? 它很好,它现在在休息,你们得过一会再去看它 太好了!嘿, Ross,听着,谢谢你对这件事这么冷静 没关系. 不.我得意思是你让我当你的伴郎,但我却让你失望了 喔,别这样,不是你的错 是我的错!你不希望遗失戒指,对吧?知道吗,你从一开始就是对的,他才应该是你的伴郎 不,你才应该是. 不要和我争论这件事ˇ 嘿! 我已经选定了我的伴郎,我想让你们俩都做我的伴郎 真的? / 真的? 嘿,你们俩都必须和我站在一起。我的意思是,我很幸运我有这么好的.... 谢谢. 我去看看那边有什么事. 太孩子气了. / 小笨蛋

The One With The Worst Best Man Ever

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, Phoebe is returning from the bathroom.]

Phoebe: (angrily) That’s like the tenth time I’ve peed since I’ve been here!

Monica: That’s also like the tenth time you told us.

Phoebe: Yeah, oh I’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it’s a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I’m so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, ‘cause—Oh! I’m pregnant!

Ross: Pheebs, did…you want a cookie?

Phoebe: (starting to cry) Thank you so much.

Rachel: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?

Phoebe: I haven’t really had any yet.

(Monica, Joey, and Chandler all shake their heads.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Ross: All right, here’s the ring. (Shows Chandler the wedding ring he plans on giving Emily)

Chandler: (shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Ross: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don’t you have to decide who your best man is gonna be?

Chandler: Oh, it’s awkward. It’s awkward. It’s awkward.

Ross: I sort’ve already asked Chandler.

Joey: What?! He got to do it at your first wedding!

Ross: Joey, I figured you’d understand. I mean, I-I’ve known him a lot longer.

Joey: Come on Ross! Look, I-I don’t have any brothers; I’ll never get to be a best man!

Chandler: You can be the best man when I get married.

Joey: (pause) I’ll never get to be a best man!

Ross: (to Chandler) Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I never get to be yours at all?

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you—yeah, of course you get to be my best man.

Joey: (impatiently tapping Chandler on the shoulder) What about me?! You-you just said I could!

Chandler: I’m not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!

Joey: I can’t believe you’re not picking me.

Ross: Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey!

Chandler: I’m not even… I’m not even…

Ross: Fine, y’know what, that’s it. From now on, Joey, I want you to be my best man.

Joey: Yes! (to Chandler) Shame about you man.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: (to her babies) Stop it!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: One of the babies is kicking.

Monica: I thought that was a good thing.

Phoebe: It’s not kicking me, it’s kicking one of the other babies. Oh (looks down her dress)! Don’t make me come in there!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow?

Monica: Yeah, there’s one right under the cabinet.

Joey: (grabs it) Thanks.

Monica: Why do you need it?

Joey: Oh, we’re having a big party tomorrow night. Later! (Starts for the door.)

Rachel: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us?

Joey: Nooo, later. (Walks out the door.)

Phoebe: Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!! (Joey walks back in, scared.)

Rachel: Hormones!

Monica: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you’re having a party and we’re not invited?

Joey: Oh, it’s Ross’s bachelor party.

Monica: Sooo?

Joey: Are you bachelors?

Monica: Nooo!

Joey: Are you strippers?

Rachel: Nooo!

Joey: Then you’re not invited. (Starts for the door again.)

Rachel: All right fine! You’re not invited to the party we’re gonna have either.

Joey: Oh-whoa, what party?

Rachel: Well umm…

Monica: The baby shower for Phoebe!

Joey: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don’t want to do! Later! (Finally, he makes his exit.)

Phoebe: I can’t believe I’m gonna have a party! This is so great! (Really excited) A party! (Really, really excited) Yay!! (Suddenly, she starts crying and Rachel moves to comfort her.) I don’t know why.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are talking over party plans.]

Joey: This is what I’ve got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor.

Ross: Great. Great.

Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I’ve got you, me, and Chandler and I’m gonna invite Gunther ‘cause, well, we’ve been talking about this pretty loud.

Gunther: I’ll be there.

Joey: All right—oh! Listen, I know this is your party, but I’d really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there.

Ross: Yeah. Tell ya what, let’s not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes!

Joey: Okay! We’ll need a six-pack of Zima.

Chandler: (entering) Hey guys, what are you doing?

Ross: Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man.

Chandler: Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one.

Ross: Yeah, see, I don’t think it’s gonna that difficult considering this one won’t be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut.

Chandler: Oh, I’m Ross. I’m Ross. I’m too good for the Hut; I’m too good for the Hut.

Ross: Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything okay?

Joey: You got it.

Ross: Okay, see ya later.

Chandler: See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.

Joey: Well, there’s gonna be strippers there. He didn’t say anything about no strippers.

Chandler: He just said, "No strippers."

Joey: Oh, I chose not to hear that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is returning from shopping and Rachel is there.]

Monica: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! (She shows Rachel what she bought. She bought a little leather jacket and a little cowboy outfit for the babies.) Can you believe they make these for little people?

Rachel: Little village people.

Monica: Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite. (It’s a little pink and white dress for the girl baby.)

Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet!

Monica: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these!

Rachel: Huh. Except, Phoebe’s not gonna be the one that gets to dress them.

Monica: Because she’s not gonna get to keep the babies.

Rachel: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever!

Monica: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she’s done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila.

Rachel: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she’s always wanted!

Monica: Oh, she’s gonna love that!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe’s baby shower, she is holding those leather pants, and isn’t happy about it.]

Phoebe: What the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me stuff that I can’t use for another two months?! This sucks! All right, what’s my next present?!

All: I don’t have anything. (All of the rest of the women there hide their gifts behind their backs.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross’s bachelor party. Ross is thanking Joey for the party.]

Ross: Hey listen man, about the stripper…

Joey: Yeah?

Ross: Good call!

Chandler: (banging a spoon against his beer bottle) Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I’ve decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther!

Gunther: What’s my last name?

Chandler: Central Perk?

Gunther: (to Ross) Thanks for not marrying Rachel. (He starts to leave.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-wait, Gunther don’t-don’t forget your shirt. (He gives Gunther his shirt and Gunther leaves.)

Ross: Hey-hey, what are those?

Joey: Oh, little party favours, check it out! (It’s a shirt that reads, "Ross Geller, Bachelor Bash 1998")

Ross: Wow! Yeah!

Joey: Oh-oh! (Shows him what’s on the back, "Best Man Joey Tribbiani, with a huge picture of him.)

Chandler: (banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position of the bride.

The Stripper: Great!

Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey.

Joey: Oh, hey, don’t forget your shirt.

Ross: Oh, thanks! (Takes it and throws it back into the box and leaves.)

Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, party’s over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parent’s basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right.

The Stripper: Ohhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours?

Joey: Yeah!

The Stripper: Wow, I didn’t know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets.

Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck complies.)

The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.

Joey: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin’ ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday…

The Stripper: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night.

Joey: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around.

The Stripper: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. I’ll let you play with my duck.

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, it’s the middle of the night, he’s waking up and discovers he’s alone in bed.]

Joey: Hey, (realises he doesn’t know her name.) stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees it’s empty and starts to panic.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s continued from earlier. Joey is now waking Chandler and telling him the news.]

Joey: (running and banging on Chandler’s door) The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring!

Chandler: (opening the door) What?

Joey: The ring is gone!

Chandler: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this—Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You’re the worst best man ever!

Joey: Dude, this isn’t funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to bed last night, everything’s cool! I wake up this morning, the stripper’s gone and the ring is gone!

Chandler: You slept with the stripper?

Joey: Of course!! (Shrugs.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is entering, Monica and Rachel are talking on the couch.]

Phoebe: Hi, guys.

Rachel: Hi! Phoebe. (Both Monica and her try to move out of Phoebe’s way.)

Monica: Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: I-I wanted to apologise if I—y’know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. Y’know it’s just the hormones, y’know.

Rachel: No we…

Monica: Hormones.

Rachel: …hormones, yeah.

Phoebe: Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet. (She goes to hug them and they both flinch, thinking that Phoebe is about to attack them.)

Monica: Wow, you seem to be doing so much better. That’s great. So how-how are things going?

Phoebe: Good. Y’know—no-no, okay, it’s-it feels like everything’s been about me lately, so what’s happening with you?

Rachel: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross’s wedding.

Phoebe: Oh!

Rachel: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that…

Phoebe: Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him.

Rachel: Well, h-how is this like that?

Phoebe: Well, let’s see, it’s not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y’know a bunch of y’know high school crap that nobody really gives y’know…

Rachel: (starting to cry) I’m-I’m sorry, I just thought that…

Phoebe: Alrighty, here come the water works. (Rachel starts crying harder.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is trying to figure out what to do.]

Joey: Ugh! I don’t know what I’m going to do! I called the company that sent and th-they don’t care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me, if this isn’t an emergency, then what is?

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey…

Ross: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y’know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so…

Joey: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that’s nice!

Ross: Yeah, right!

Joey: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those…

Ross: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.

Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)

Ross: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life.

Chandler: So you might say, it’s a magic ring.

Joey: (laughs, softly) Yeah, the stripper stole it.

Ross: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?!

Chandler: Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don’t you be my best man."

Ross: (dialling the phone) All right-all right, fine! I-I’m gonna call the cops!

Joey: Dude, I screwed up, you don’t have to turn me in!

Ross: Not on you! On the stripper!

Joey: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they’re gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders.

Ross: Okay, well, we’ll call the company that sent her!

Joey: I did that too! They wouldn’t give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they’d call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I’m missing a ring!"

Ross: So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That there’s nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?!

Joey: Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I…

Chandler: Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?

Joey: Oh, that sounds like fun, but we’ve got a ring to find!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.]

Monica: Here’s your tea Phoebe. (They give it to her and quickly take a step back.)

Phoebe: (sips it) It’s so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.

Rachel: Good.

Monica: I’m so glad you liked it.

Phoebe: (sets the cup down) Oh! (Grabs her stomach in pain.)

Monica: What?!

Rachel: What?! She made the tea! (Points to Monica.)

Phoebe: Oh! No, I-I think I just had a contraction.

Rachel: You what?

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, I thought I had one a couple of minutes ago, and now I know that was definitely one.

Monica: Wait, you can’t have the baby here! I mean I haven’t sterilised it since the guys moved out!

Rachel: Okay. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. Y’know what? It’s okay. I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets!

Phoebe: No. It’s all right; it’s probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book.

Monica: Rachel, get the book! The book!

Rachel: Okay! (Runs and grabs a book and hands it to Monica.) Okay! Here!

Monica: The Bible?!

Rachel: I don’t know!

[Scene: Chandler’s office, the guys are there waiting to ambush the stripper.]

Joey: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. (to Ross) You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I’ll be uh, Mr. Wong.

Ross: Diverse.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

The Stripper: Did anybody call for security?

Chandler: (to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)

The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.) Hey, Joey?

Ross: Where’s my ring? My dead grandmother’s wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it?

Chandler: Way to be cool, man.

The Stripper: What’s he talking about?

Joey: There was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone!

The Stripper: Wait, you guys think I stole some ring?

The Guys: Yeah!

Ross: We know you took so just-just save yourself the time and confess!

The Stripper: Okay, who are you? The Hardy boys? Look, I don’t need to steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys make that?

Chandler: Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the guys are now trying to figure out what next to do, since their plan with the stripper backfired on them.]

Joey: I don’t get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didn’t take it, and I didn’t take it; and you (Chandler) didn’t take it, then who did? (The duck quacks.) Shh! We’re trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realise it at the same moment and stare at Joey, who doesn’t get it. After a short pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is recovering from her false labour.]

Rachel: I still don’t get how you know when it’s false labour.

Phoebe: Well, do you see any babies?

Monica: How do you feel?

Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean… I don’t know, it’s just, I guess I know it’s going to be over soon.

Rachel: Well, isn’t that a good thing? You said you were sick of this.

Phoebe: I know. It’s just y’know usually when you’re, when you’re done with the pregnant thing, y’know, then you get to do the mom thing. I’m gonna be y’know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila.

Monica: Some moms do that.

Phoebe: Okay that’s even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it’s just that now that they’re in me it’s like, it’s like I know them y’know, I mean-I mean, it’s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away.

Monica: Aww, sweetie, but it’s not like you’re not gonna have anything. You’re gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that’s even better.

Phoebe: Yeah, okay.

Rachel: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you’re not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they’re bad, y’know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won’t calm down. Y’know?

Monica: I mean, you’re the one they’re gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.

Rachel: And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe!

Phoebe: Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool!

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: And y’know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you.

Phoebe: They are gonna love me.

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Again.

Monica: Oh, sweetie! (They all hug.)

Phoebe: You’re the best. Thanks. Oh!

Monica and Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Just kidding. Ahh!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Got cha again, you guys are so easy.

[Scene: The Animal Hospital, the guys have taken the duck in to remove the ring. Joey is pacing around like an expectant father.]

Joey: If anything should happen to him…

Ross: Joey! The vet said it’s a simple procedure.

Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You don’t know! What if he doesn’t make it?!

Chandler: He will, Joe.

Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesn’t? He’s such a good duck.

(With that we go into a little flashback about the guys’ memories of the duck. The first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then it’s Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then it’s Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls’ apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole in the entertainment-center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and it’s concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping it’s wings. And the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)

Joey: I’m so worried about him, y’know?

The Doctor: (coming in from surgery) Somebody lose a ring?

Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where it’s been.)

Joey: H-h-h-how’s the duck?

The Doctor: He’s doing just fine, he’s resting now, but you can see him in a little bit.

Joey: Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this.

Ross: No, that’s all right.

Joey: No, it’s not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down!

Chandler: Hey, come on, it’s not your fault.

Joey: Yeah, it is! You wouldn’t have lost the ring, right? Y’know what, Ross you were right from the start, he (Chandler) should be your best man.

Chandler: No, you should.

Joey: Now, don’t argue with me…

Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Really?

Ross: Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my… I mean, I’m lucky to have just one good… (They all start getting emotional.)

Chandler: Thanks man.

Joey: (starting to cry) I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they can’t see him cry.)

Chandler: What a baby.

Ross: Total wuss!

(They both turn and wipe their eyes.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[There was no closing scene, only a preview of the wedding.]

END

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