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老友记第五季The One Hundredth

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Hi,你好,我是Phoebe Buffay。 我就要生孩子了。 好的,开始子宫挛缩没有? 还没有,恩,听人说会很痛,是么? 其实啊...... 哦,上帝呀! 没什么大不了的。 你们谁是孩子的父亲? 欧,不,他们都不是 孩子的父亲是我弟弟。 好的?!!! 我以后会很怀念你这种吓唬人的方式的! 好的,Pheebs,快,看这里! 这是日后给出生的孩子看的, 在他们出生之前,你有什么想说的么? Oh,好的,孩子们,你们好! 是我,Phoebe阿姨 真想早点见到你们。 请别弄疼我哦! 嘿,你们怎么搞得,这么长时间? 你们的出租车不是我们的一起离开的么? 恩,我们又回去了一趟,因为我忘了拿外衣。 恩,就是。 可是你现在也没穿外衣呀? MD! 又忘拿了! 好了,我们得把Frank和Alice叫来。 我妈想知道- Joey,你在干嘛?! 在他们出生之前我也要拍呀! Hi, Pheebs。 我们刚和护士谈过, 你的医生迟到是因为...... 是因为她来不了了。 什么?! 实际上她在洗澡的时候摔破了头。 哦,天哪,她怎么那么笨! 别急,Pheebs-Pheebs, 一切都会好没事的。 你说起来到简单, 你子宫里又没有3个小孩等着出生。 亲爱的,听我说。 知道么?护士说这个医生很不错的, 他是这个部门的头儿。 好吧,欧!上帝,救救我! -怎么了? -我第一次子宫收缩开始了...... 不是吧? Ooh,还不错。 欧!耶!生命的奇迹就要开始了。 嘿,你还好吧? 欧,好疼呀! 心疼我都心疼到这个地步,你太好了。 哦?是么?我怎么不知道呢。 你好。 你好,Phoebe, 我是Harad医生。 我来负责给你助产。 我想让你知道,一切都会没事的。 我干这一行好长时间了。 我等一会儿进来替你检查一下。 现在,你只需要放松下来就可以了,一切都很顺利! 还有,我喜欢Fonzie。 他刚才是不是说他喜欢Fonzie? 听起来好像是这么说的。 好吧。 嘿!嘿! 我来晚了么?晚了么?还没生,是么? 还没,还没开始呢。Alice在哪儿? 哦,Delaware,她还在路上呢。 她没来之前,我来当你的教练吧。 别紧张,她把一切有关心理助产的东西都告诉我了。 如果孩子在这个月底以前出生的话, 他们会给你2%的财政补贴。 是吧。 Monica,你应该为我骄傲才是! 我刚和两个非常可爱的护士定了约会。 Oh 是么? 他们是男的。 我想的可不是。 不管怎样,他们周六晚上带我们出去玩。 你觉得怎么样? 恩,我想可能不行。 什么?你这是什么意思? 是你告诉我要忘了Ross,继续向前的。 我向前了,你得和我一起。 你说,给我一个好的理由,你为什么不去? 恩,要不你给我一个好理由, 然后我告诉你是不是对的。 什么? 比听起来还难懂吧,不是么? 不管,你要和我一起去。 而且我还告诉他们,他们下班的时候我们还会在这里 到时候一起到咖啡厅吃点儿果冻。 耶!总能吃得下果冻的! Joey,你怎么把它弄得这么色情的? 恩,很简单亚,不管什么我都可以,你看着: 外婆的小鸡沙拉。 Ross! 拍一下这个。 嗨,孩子们! 这是你们出生那天的报纸头条新闻。 好了,女孩们转过头去,男孩们 看看这儿! 这就是你们出生当月的裸体封面女郎。 好的,我们直接跳到好东东上面去吧。 Oh,耶,又来了一次。 这个也不太疼,Ooh,好疼呀。 欧!欧!欧!欧!欧...... 好像没了...... 嘿,Monica 和Rachel 到哪里去了? 有两个护士约他们出去了,可能和他们在一起。 是么,男的? 是呀,我也很失望! 他们要约会了么?什么时候? 好像是周六吧。 他怎么了? 恩,同情的疼, 开始我还觉得他人很好呢, 可是现在我觉得他在抢我的风头。 好的,嘿。 让我看看你怎么样了。 你知道么,Fonzie和3胞胎约过会呢。 你一直提到的那个叫Fonzie的人, 是不是另外一个医生呀? 哦,不是,不是。 Fonzie 是Arthur Fonzerelli的昵称。 the Fonz。 好吧! 这并不太奇怪,是么? 太奇怪了! 我不想让别人告诉我 我是个dilatedamundo! 说实话,他看上去并没在模仿Fonzie。 你在干什么? 你干嘛这样维护他? 给我找另一个医生! 找个没疯的,也不像Fonzie的来。 其实,他并没有...... 哦,嘿,原来你在这里。 嗯,听我说,我想有些事情你应该知道。 哦,是不是你和护士约会的事情呀? 嗯,Joey已经告诉我了,我没,没什么呀。 我是说,你和我,其实什么也不算。 我们在一起只是打法时间而已。 嗯,实际上我正要告诉你,我正准备 取消约会的,但是,既然我们只是玩玩而已的话, 也许我真该和他出去。 好呀,说不定我也会的! 嘿,你们看,我在礼品店里面发现了什恩恩恩么。 起来,起来,起来! 好的,Phoebe, 这是Oberman医生 他对Fonzie没有强烈的感觉, 或者其他任何和“快乐的日子” 那一伙有关系的嗜好。 你好,你现在读几年级了? 哦,实际上我当了一年见习医生了。 不过,我很有经验的,我提早毕业了。 哦,我也是,Ross。 也许我该说明白些,我需要一个成人医生。 嗨,实际上我很合格的。 别说了,小子。 欧,到底有没有人知道我就要生孩子了?? 唉!出去吧,出去吧,小伙子! 欧,你真行,把他都弄哭了! Tribbiani先生,恐怕你有肾结石了。 嗯。 有没有可能是别的什么呢? 就是肾结石呀。 或者是? 肾结石! 好了,就快到了! 嘿,你知道么?这些孩子非常非常幸运, 是么?为什么? 他们正好在“The Fonz”半个生日的时候出生, 生日快乐! 只是说明一下, 我其实不是Fonzie。 亲爱的,我正要告诉你, 我觉得你为Frank和Alice生这些孩子,太可怕了。 我知道,耶! 我能跟你说个小秘密么? 我想自个儿留一个。 Ohh,我要上新闻了。 Okay, Phoebe, 亲爱的,你在开玩笑吧! 你知道你不能把他们之中的任何一个留下。 为什么不行?也许可以呢,而你不知道! 是的,是的,是的,我知道,我知道! Frank 和 Alice 想养育他们所有的孩子。 也许不是这样呢?你知道么? 说实话,3个孩子很费事的。 也许,他们正在找机会摆脱其中一个呢。 听我说,我不想因为没有问而失去这个机会。 Phoebe,不,这太荒唐了。 问一下就知道了! 我? 总不能让我去问吧?你不觉的这会很不合适么? 我只是想你去和他谈谈,可以么? 只是,试探一下他! 哦,算了!我不会去要Frank 把自己的一个孩子给你的。 你是对的。 告诉他是为你自己要的! 感觉好些了么?亲爱的。 嗯,好一点儿了。 希望你没看见我吐。 我也是。 嘿,我刚听说,怎么了? 肾结石! 一般来说,Tribbiani先生, 我们要用震动波震碎这些石头。 但是它们太贴近膀胱了, 我们要不等你自己把它们弄出来, 要不就是从尿道伸进去...... 什么?不不不不不!! 什么也不要伸进去,好吗? 说什么也不行!还有,什么是尿道? 你疯了么? 你还没问他么? 没有,我还没机会单独和他谈。 可是,我都急死了! 欧!Fonzie。 你知道我一直喜欢谁么?Mork 别说了,别说了,别说了! Fonzie碰到Mork时, Mork酷到让Fonzie感到可怕。 是的,可是,嗯, Fonzie已经很酷了! 所以他没什么事,对么? 嗯,那当然了。 嘿! 怎么样了? 医生说随时可能生。 嘿,你知道么, Alice马上就来了。 你能不能再帮我一个忙,比如说: 先忍住别生。 对不起Frank,我还在上一次帮你忙之中呢。 嘿! Rachel Monica, 这是Dan, 就是我们周六一起出去的其中一个, 嗨!Dan,这是Monica 很高兴见到你! 你好,Dan! 我真的好期待周六晚上呀! 好期待,好期待! 嘿,Dan,你是护士而不是医生吧? 好像有点儿女性化的职业,不是么? Chandler! 不,这没什么的。 我医学院毕业以后就干了这个。 哦。 在海湾战争期间我也没感到这只是女人干的活儿呀。 当然了! 听着,顺便谢谢你为我们做的一切。 嗯,为什么等到周六,你明天有空么? 当然了,我找人代班就是了。 哦,太好了! 你看这样怎么样?你和我,周六晚上? 不行! 好的,非常好! 哦,这个好痛呀,欧!欧!呀! 欧,快把它们弄出来吧! 呼吸,呼吸,忍住痛呼吸! 我要吃药!Ross,我要吃药! 我也要!我也要!欧,呀!欧, 呀! 恩,我爱你。再见! 嗨! 是Alice的母亲,她说Alice五个小时前就走了。 她应该马上就来了。 哦,亲爱的,别担心,她会准时来的! 耶! 耶! 嘿,Frank, 3个孩子, 喔,好像太多了一点儿吧? 对我来说一点儿也不多, 恩,不多就好 好了,只差十公分了! 就要开始生孩子了! 好的,只要孩子的父亲留下来,好么! 再见,Dan! 再见,Monica! 再见,momi-moo。 好的,我要一个夹子,消过毒的毛巾,和31频道! 那是什么? 哦,上帝呀! 不,不,不!这个台挺好看的! Fonzie 敲着小鼓。 好了,你准备好了么?要开始了。 你准备好了么?要使劲尿尿了。 等,等,等,等一会儿,就快要 使劲尿尿了! 好的,使劲了! 使劲!注意力集中,用劲!加油! 好的! 我看见头了! 是的,是头! 好的! 继续使劲!加油! 真不敢相信就要有人要从你身体里面出来了! 有人要从你身体里出来了,是么! 是的!是我的儿子! 好的! 这是你的第一个孩子! 太好了!我们有男孩了!太好了! Frank 二世.二世! 欧!他长得如何!长得如何? 一个大胖小子! 好的,你准备好了么?要再使劲了! 我已经有个孩子了,不要了吧! 好的,好的,加油,你能行的,你能行的! 好呀! 小Leslie 出来了!我们又有一个了! 哦,上帝呀!我不敢相信我有两个-两个孩子了。 这有多可怕呀! 加油,小Chandler,该你出世了! 加油!小Chandler! 加油! 好的,他出来了!出来了! 嗯?他的小弟弟呢? Chandler是个女孩! 哦,我的天!幼儿园的噩梦又来了。 他们肯定看错B超图了,因为 他们认为是个男孩儿。 但是Chandler是个女孩, Chandler是个女孩。 好的,继续说吧! 我是不是太迟了? 没有,没有,一切都很好! 每个孩子都很健康,一共有30个手指,还有30个脚趾。 我们有自己的孩子了!耶! 我们有自己的孩子了! 哦,上帝呀! 你做到了!好兄弟! 想看看它们么? 它们好小啊! 我明天给你打电话。 好的! 你真的要和这个男护士一起出去么? 嗯,你和我只是玩玩而已, 我想为什么不和他玩玩呢? 嗯,我不知道你有没有 在字典里查查玩玩这个词呢? 我查过, 最精确的定义是: 两个朋友,相互喜爱对方 并有过非比寻常的爱 而且想花更多的时间在一起。 但是如果你有更新的字典而让你讨厌我的话 那我们就的,你知道的, 以我原来的那个字典为准了。 我为此感觉很糟糕。 我觉得你比你自己想的要好的多。 哦?真的么?那么...... 别来这套了! 其实,我也觉得停停了。 那我们是不是和好了? 当然了,我要去告诉Dan 我不去了。 -别跳舞! -好的! 我觉得你是我的最爱。 你抱的哪一个?? 无所谓哪个。 Hi, Hey, hi! 嗯,Frank 和 Alice 想让我告诉你,他们还在外面打电话呢。 但是,我是说,你和他们谈过了么? 嗯,还没有,亲爱的。 这可得做长远打算。 你们能让我单独和这些孩子们呆一会儿么? 是的,当然可以啦。 嘿,你们好。 上次我对着小盘子里的你们讲话的时候,就像昨天一样。 他们说,生你们是最困难的。可他们错了,同你们分离才难。 你们给了我最大的快乐。 我真希望能把你们带回家,每天看着你们。 算了,就让我做你们最好的阿姨吧。 Alice的姐姐也有子宫,不过你们住在我这里。 这太酷了! 我们会是最好的。 伸出你们的小手。欧!欧!欧! 如果你们想哭的话...... Phoebe, 我们为你自豪!你太了不起了! 我知道。 真的跟他们说的那么疼么? 当然了,你肯定受不了的。 嗯, 小Chandler竟然是女的, 他们准备给她起个什么名字呢? 他们就叫她Chandler呀! 这个名字太男性化了吧?你们不这么认为么? 你都能用呀!

The One Hundredth

[Scene: The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving with Ross, Joey, and Rachel in tow.]

Phoebe: (to the nurse) Hi.

Nurse: Hi.

Phoebe: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me.

Nurse: Okay. Have you started having contractions?

Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt?

Nurse: Well…

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Ross: It's all right.

Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross)

Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.

Nurse: (not sure what to do with that) Okay…

Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!

Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This (His video camera) is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts?

Phoebe: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me!

(Monica and Chandler come running in.)

Ross: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did!

(There's a pause as they figure out what to say.)

Monica: Well, we-we had to go back because I forget my jacket.

Chandler: That's right.

(Both Rachel and Ross stare at her for a moment.)

Rachel: You-you're not wearing a jacket.

Monica: Oh man! I did it again!

Phoebe: (standing up) Okay, so umm, somebody has to call Frank and Alice. (As she is talking Joey is sticking the camera under her skirt.) And then my mom wants to know-(notices Joey)-Joey, what are you doing?!

Joey: I gotta get the before shot!

(She shakes her head no.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Ross are entering.]

Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.

Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!

Ross: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay.

Phoebe: That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your vagina!

Rachel: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful.

Ross: Yeah, he's head of the department.

Phoebe: All right—Ooh! Oh dead God, save me!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: I'm having my first contraction!

Chandler: Oh no.

Phoebe: Ooh, it's not bad.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Oh! (In an announcer type voice) And so the miracle of life begins, and aaiiyyyeeee! (He grabs his side and doubles over in pain.)

Chandler: Hey! You okay?

Joey: Ooh, something hurts!

Phoebe: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so sweet!

Joey: Are they? I didn't know I cared that much.

(The doctor, Dr. Harad, enters.)

Ross: Hello.

Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going to be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. (Exits)

Chandler: Did he just say, he loves Fonzie?

Monica: That's what it sounded like.

Chandler: All right…

Frank: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Frank: (To Phoebe) Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right?

Phoebe: No-no-no! We haven't started yet. Where's Alice?

Frank: Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though, so until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach. But don't worry, she told me all about the la-Mazada stuff.

Chandler: Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing.

Frank: Yeah.

[Scene: The waiting room, Monica and Joey are sitting there.]

Rachel: (entering) Monica? You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.

Joey: Oh my!

Rachel: They're male nurses.

Joey: Not in my head.

Rachel: Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night! What do you say?

Monica: Umm. (Looks at Chandler who is using the phone.) Umm. Umm. I don't think so.

Rachel: What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go.

Monica: Umm, why don't you give me something that would be a good reason and-and then I'll tell you if it's true.

Rachel: What?

Monica: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it?

Rachel: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O with them.

Joey: (in a sexy voice) Yep! There's always room for Jell-O…

Rachel: Joey, how do you make that dirty?

Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, (snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad…

[Scene: The delivery room, Chandler, Frank, and Ross are with Phoebe.]

Joey: (entering) Ross! Get a shot of this. (He's carrying an issue of the USA Today and hands Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you were born! Okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies… (Throws the paper away to reveal a copy of Playpen, which is the TV version of Playboy Magazine.) Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera in it.)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt either—Ooh, yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! (Checks under the blanket.) Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it.

Ross: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway?

Joey: Oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. Maybe they're with them.

Chandler: Really? Male nurses?

Joey: Yeah, I was bummed too.

Chandler: So they're going on dates? When?

Joey: I think Saturday—(groans in pain again).

Frank: (To Phoebe) What's with him?

Phoebe: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder.

Dr. Harad: (entering) Okay!

Phoebe: Hey.

Dr. Harad: Let's see what we got here. Ohh, y'know, Fonzie dated triplets.

Chandler: This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor?

Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz.

Chandler: All right.

(Dr. Harad exits.)

Frank: It's not that weird, is it?

Phoebe: It's very weird! I don't want some guy down there telling me, I'm y'know, dilatedamundo!

Ross: To be fair, he doesn’t seem to be impersonating Fonzie…

Phoebe: (interrupting) What are you doing?!! Why are you defending him?! Just get me another doctor! One who is not crazy and who is not Fonzie!

Ross: Again, it's not that he…

(Phoebe fakes pain to get Ross looking for another doctor.)

[Scene: The waiting room, Chandler is looking for Monica.]

Chandler: (spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are!

Monica: Umm, listen there's something I think you should know.

Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around.

Monica: Umm, actually I was about to tell you that I was, I was going to get out of it, but hey, if we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will go out with him.

Chandler: Fine! Maybe I will too!

Joey: (entering from the elevator caring gifts for the kids) Hey, you guys! Look what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in front an old man in a wheel chair.) Get up! Get up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.)

[Scene: The delivery room, Ross has returned with another doctor. This one, is well, younger.]

Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings about Fonzie or any of the Happy Days gang.

Phoebe: Hi! And you're going into what grade?

Dr. Oberman: Umm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot, you see, I-I graduated early…

Phoebe: (interrupting) Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that I'd be needing a grown up doctor.

Dr. Oberman: Oh no, I'm fully qualified to…

Phoebe: Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm gonna be having babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go!

(He runs out and Frank watches him go.)

Frank: Oh cool! You made him cry!

[Scene: Another hospital room, Joey has now been admitted and his doctor is about to break the bad news to him, Monica, and Chandler.]

Joey's Doctor: Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've got kidney stones.

Joey: Umm, well, what else could it be?

Joey's Doctor: It's kidney stones.

Joey: Or?

Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones!

[Scene: The delivery room, Dr. Harad is back and checking on Phoebe.]

Dr. Harad: All right, you're getting there. Oh, and y'know, these babies are very, very lucky.

Phoebe: They are. Why?

Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday.

Phoebe: Happy birthday!

Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. (Phoebe nods in agreement as he leaves.)

Rachel: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.

Phoebe: I know, it is.

Rachel: Yeah!

Phoebe: Can I tell you a little secret?

Rachel: Yeah!

Phoebe: I want to keep one. (Giggles in excitement.)

Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The delivery room, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you cannot keep one of these babies!

Phoebe: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know!

Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to keep all of their children!

Phoebe: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just because I didn't ask! Y'know?

Rachel: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane.

Phoebe: Oh, just ask him!

Rachel: Me?!

Phoebe: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out!

Rachel: No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his kids!!

Phoebe: You're right.

(There's an awkward silence then suddenly Phoebe gets an idea.)

Phoebe: Tell him it's for you.

[Scene: Joey's room, his doctor, Chandler, and Monica are there.]

Monica: Feeling a little better sweetie?

Joey: Well, maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen me throw up.

Monica: Me too.

Ross: (entering) Hey! I just heard. What's up?

Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra…

Joey: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an option—what's a urethra? (Monica whispers what it is in his ear.) Are you crazy?!

[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Frank are there.]

Phoebe: (To Rachel) So did you ask him?

Rachel: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet.

Phoebe: Well, I'm kinda on a clock here.

Dr. Harad: (laughing) Oh Fonzie.

Rachel: Y'know who I always liked? Mork.

(Dr. Harad drops what he's doing and stares at her.)

Phoebe: Undo it. Undo it. Undo it.

Dr. Harad: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie.

Rachel: Yeah, but umm… Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right?

Dr. Harad: Yeah, that's right.

Monica: (entering with Chandler) Hey!

Phoebe: Hi!

Monica: (To Phoebe) How are you doing?

Phoebe: Okay, doctor says any minute now.

Frank: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in?

Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do.

(A male nurse enters.)

Male Nurse: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Male Nurse: Rachel.

Rachel: Monica, this is Dan (points to him), one of the guys that we're gonna be going out with on Saturday. (Mouths "He's yours." to her.) Uh Dan, Monica.

Dan: Nice to meet you.

Monica: Hello Dan! I'm really looking forward to Saturday night! Really, really!

Chandler: So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it?

Monica: Chandler!

Dan: Nah that's okay. I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school.

Chandler: Oh.

Dan: And it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf War.

Chandler: Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)

Monica: So, why wait 'til Saturday, are you free tomorrow?

Dan: Sure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift.

Monica: Oh, great!

Chandler: (to another female nurse) Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night?

Delivery Room Nurse: No.

Chandler: All right. Very good.

Phoebe: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!!

[Cut to Joey's room, who's going throw his own contractions. Plus, he has Ross in a headlock.]

Joey: Ohh, get these things out of me!

Ross: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain.

(Joey starts breathing hard)

Joey: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! (He starts rocking back and forth, taking Ross with him.)

Ross: I do too! I do too!

Joey: Argh!

Ross: Argh!

Joey: Argh!

Ross: Argh!

[Scene: The waiting room, Frank is on the phone as Rachel approaches.]

Frank: Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye! (To Rachel) Hi!

Rachel: Hi!

Frank: That was Alice's mom, she said she left five hours ago. She should be here by now!

Rachel: Oh, honey, don’t worry. She's gonna make it on time.

Frank: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah. So Frank, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh?

Frank: (laughs) Not to me.

Rachel: Yeah, fair enough.

[Scene: The delivery room, later on, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Frank are there as Dr. Harad is checking out Phoebe.]

Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies. All right, I want only the father in here please.

(They all kiss her and wish her luck.)

Monica: Bye Dan!

Dan: Uh, bye Monica.

Chandler: Bye, momi-moo.

(Everyone except Frank leaves.)

Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31.

Phoebe: What is that?

(Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme song comes on.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's time to start pushing.

[Cut to Joey's room, his doctor and Ross are there.]

Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try peeing. (Joey makes a face like he is trying to pee.) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time to try peeing. (Points at the bottle Joey is to pee into.)

[Cut to the delivery room.]

Dr. Harad: Okay, now push! That's it push! Just concentrate on pushing! Yeah, here we go!

Dan: I see the head.

Frank: Yes, it has a head!

Dr. Harad: All right. Keep pushing! Come on!

Frank: I can't believe there's somebody coming out of you right now. There's somebody coming out of you! Is it? Is it? It's my son.

Dr. Harad: All right. Here's your first baby.

[Cut to the waiting room, a triumphant Frank rushes in.]

Frank: YESSSSS!!!!! We got a baby boy!!

Chandler: Yes!

Frank: Frank Jr. Jr.!!

Rachel: Oh, how does he look? How does he look?

Frank: So gross! (He runs back to the delivery room.)

[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is about to give birth to the middle kid.]

Dr. Harad: Okay. You ready to push again?

Phoebe: I already had a baby. Leave me alone.

Frank: Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You can do it!

(Phoebe screams in pain, and Frank screams with her.)

[Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant Frank returns.]

Frank: Yeah!! Little Leslie is here! We got another one! Oh my God, I can't believe I have two-two children. How scary is that? (He returns to the delivery room.)

[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is at it for the last time.]

Frank: Come on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little Chandler! Come on!

Dr. Harad: All right, he's coming. He's coming!

(They both stare at the newborn.)

Frank: Hey, where's his thing?

[Cut to the waiting room, a thrice triumphant Frank returns again.]

Frank: Chandler's a girl!

Chandler: Oh God, kindergarten flashback.

Frank: They musta read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl!

Chandler: Okay, keep saying it!

Alice: (running in from the elevator) Am I too late?!

Frank: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes.

Alice: We have our babies?

Frank: Yeah.

Alice: (Starting to cry) Oh, we have our babies.

(They hug. And quickly that hug turns into a heated make out session, right there on the waiting room couch. Chandler, Rachel, and Monica quickly make their exits.)

[Scene: Joey's room, he is recovering from his birth.]

Joey: Oh my God.

Ross: You did it, man.

Joey's Doctor: Would you like to see them? (He hands Joey a little jar.)

Joey: They're so small! (Both he and Ross look at them with satisfied looks on their faces.)

[Scene: A hallway, Monica and Dan are talking.]

Dan: So, I'll call you tomorrow.

Monica: Great!

(Dan leaves as Chandler enters.)

Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?

Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof around with him.

Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary… Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.

Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.

Chandler: Really? Okay, so…

Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop.

Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?

Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around.) Don't do the dance.

Chandler: Right!

[Scene: The delivery room, everyone except Rachel is there. Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are holding the babies.]

Monica: I think you're my favorite.

Phoebe: Which one do you have?

Monica: I don't care.

Rachel: (entering) Hi. (To Phoebe) Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that they're still outside making phone calls.

Phoebe: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, y'know…

Rachel: Yeah, umm, no honey.

Phoebe: Oh. It was a long shot. Hey, you guys can I just like have a second alone with the babies.

All: Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah.

(They hand her the babies and leave them alone.)

Phoebe: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! (Imitates the high fives.) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! (One of the babies begins to cry.) Well, if you're gonna cry. (She starts crying.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: The delivery room, everyone is hanging out with Phoebe. Frank, Alice, and the kids aren't there.]

Monica: Phoebe, we are so proud of you! You're amazing!

Phoebe: I know.

Rachel: So does it really hurt as bad as they say?

Phoebe: Yeah. You won't be able to take it.

Chandler: So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?

Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.

Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?

Phoebe: Works on you.

End

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