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老友记第五季The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS

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进来,我等到花儿也谢了我只需要——天啊!噢,我的天!对不起!我只不过——在小睡你几时采取这种睡姿的?你在等男人对吧,快说是没错是一个同事我在和同事交往!你们那儿的可爱侍者?亦正亦邪那个?哦,是他我离开一下,去加件衣服等我穿好了,你一五一十招给我听是他来了吧是乔伊和罗斯你们不是去看电影吗?罗斯讲电话太大声,我们被丢了出来我没办法!电影太吵了!-他打电话到伦敦!-啊?他联络到爱米丽了?还没有。他打电话给女方所有的亲友求人家帮他联络爱米丽。我是说错名字!有什么大不了的!你这个老顽固!你该拍他们一家子马屁才对!你们都在,好极了!公司终于买到防皱传真纸了!菲比讨厌PBS公司呕吐物晚礼服不脏,干洗过了呕吐物晚礼服?谁吐在上面了?乔伊,你盛装要去干嘛?我参加电视节目之后经理人帮我争取到当主持人的机会!太好了!既回馈PBS广播公司,又有电视曝光的机会乔伊爱这样的美事!噢,PBS!-PBS有什么不好?-他们有什么好?你干嘛讨厌PBS?我妈自杀后,我孤苦伶仃所以写信到芝麻街寻找安慰因为我小时候,他们真的很和气却压根没人回信是不是因为那些木偶都没有手指,写不了信?他们只送我一个钥匙扣!我那时住在纸箱里!一把钥匙都没有!很抱歉,菲比我只想做件好事,就像你代弟产子一样才不是做好事,你只想上电视罢了,自私自利啊?那你还帮你弟弟生孩子呢?还说我自私!什么意思?你的确是出于好心,但你因此觉得自己很伟大,对吧?对,那又怎样?因为你感觉很好,所以是自私的行为世上没有绝对无私的好人好事,不好意思乱讲!当然有人做好事不是出于私心!举例?比如——不告诉你!人不为己,天诛地灭你认为我也自私?你算人类?抱歉让你的梦破灭。但无私的好事是不存在的你知道圣诞老人的事,对吧我一定会发现无私的好事我要打败你,恶魔!天啊!是爱米丽!各位,是爱米丽!别吵!不许你再骚扰我的亲戚,再见你挂电话好了。但我不会罢休。我要打电话给全英国的人只求你理睬我真的?你想说什么?你是我妻子,我们成婚了我爱你我真的很挂念你我也想你我想是吧她肯开口讲话了!你说“圣诞老人的事”是什么意思?他不存在对钱德,莫妮有个地下男友,你听说了吗?对,她好象提过几时带来见见我们?他害羞,我想他还没准备好见大家对,我想他还没准备好不管!既然他是她所见过、床上功夫最棒的家伙,我无论如何得见见。真的?有这样的风评?你说的?有可能很好笑吗?我真替他高兴你很幸运爱米丽愿意和我破镜重圆太好了!在伦敦!她要我搬去伦敦但你住在纽约这你也明白你会怎么做?我跟卡萝和苏珊商量商量她们一定会同意,带班一起去伦敦没错,你前妻一定会乐意出国以便你和新欢开始新生活有这个可能你好,欢迎,见到你真好你的电话好但我不希望接很多电话你接电话,以接受认捐但我是主持人Gary Collins才是主持人,你接电话你搞错了,我是德莫瑞医生!这是你的电话,大医生我不敢相信!竟找不到无私的好事!知道住我隔壁的老头吗我溜过去,把他家门口的树叶扫在一起结果被他看见了,无论如何要招待我好酒好糖吃让我非常快活!这个老东西!也许乔伊是对的,也许所有的好事都是自私的我会找到无私的好事。我刚生了三个小孩我可不能让他们接受乔伊那一套价值观请教一个烹饪的问题好吗?假如你在炉子上煮东西那说明你的新的地下男友的床上功夫比理查德德好吗?钱德!是不是啊?我得尊重新男友的隐私为什么?假如我是你的神秘男友而我得知自己给了你最好的爱我会手舞足蹈的好了,爱米丽虽然我如此爱你但很抱歉,我无法离开班,搬来伦敦我明白那很困难你会考虑搬过来吗?你曾经打算搬来的现在搬来好不好?我不知道。。。好的,但我知道,即使到现在为止我表现这样白痴但是,请你务必过来你来了,我们就可以重新开始了好吧你刚说“好吧”?是的,现在我是白痴了爱米丽,那太好了!好极了!我们将是相爱的一对白痴!还有一件事,我到现在还很担心-告诉我吧-你要明白我在教堂里有多丢脸在亲朋好友面前我明白。我很抱歉当时我决定了要原谅你以后却在机场碰见你跟她一起等飞机再次致歉我是说,我无法跟她相处想到你跟她在同一屋檐下,我就要发疯爱米丽,我和瑞秋很清白我爱你好吧我来纽约,我们冰释前嫌,重新开始太好了!只要你答应我,和瑞秋一刀两断我邀爱米丽搬来纽约她答应了太好了!但她要求我不再见瑞秋什么?那怎么行你怎么说的?我说我需要考虑。但我怎么能做出这样的决定?我真的是在问你们!你不可能不再见瑞秋,她是你最好的朋友之一没错,但那样他就见不到爱米丽,他的妻子那倒是!你从高中就认识瑞秋了,你不能让她从你生命中消失!-对!-你做不到的谢谢你们的帮忙,让我茅塞顿开我们干等一天了。你什么时候会出现在电视上?我的经济人没安排好但我还是上电视了,很好的曝光机会你没上电视现在呢?他在那里!你好,纽约!现在我们把整只鸭子放进去先放腿……跟你们说多少遍了!不许看烹饪频道!我来拿乔伊借去的煎锅是你的锅?小鸭吐毛虫时,我们用它来接饼干专卖店,秋季目录,第27页四到六周后收到乔伊今天一整天要拍电视这里是我们的天下!那又怎样?难道你不想和你的第一号男朋友共度?你知道吗?我放弃这个机会-为什么-还问为什么?你想说什么?告诉你说,我找到了无私的好事我到公园里让蜜蜂蜇了那算好事?那蜜蜂在他朋友面前会很骄傲蜜蜂很快乐,而我没得到甜头蜜蜂蜇了你,也许会死掉见鬼!30秒后开拍!抱歉,换个座位好吗没门,我要上镜-你坐这里一整天了-我在接受认捐开始倒数:3,2——欢迎回来!如果您喜欢我们的节目Cirque Du Soleil并希望看到更多丰富多采的节目那非常简单你们要做的就是来电话认捐告诉我们的志愿者接线员,您喜欢的节目类型—受够了,我下不了决心。太难我任凭命运之神帮我安排神奇的算命8号球?开玩笑!怎能用儿戏去决定!那不是儿戏我不知道还能怎样!选妻子、就要失去一个老友选朋友,就要在30岁前第二次离婚!你们有什么高招,讲出来好了因为我什么主意也没有别羞羞答答的什么建议都可以那好好神奇8号球我该不再见瑞秋吗迟点再问这算什么答案!迟点再问见鬼了!坏掉了!不灵了!让我看看钱德今晚会嘿咻吗?别指望我认为它很灵嗨,乔伊嘿,菲比我要认捐我要捐200元200元?你确定吗?芝麻街亏待过你啊我还在生他们的气但他们给许多母亲还健在的小孩带去了欢乐为表支持,我要做件好事但我不快乐所以,这就是无私的好事!你捐了钱以后感觉不好吗?很不好! 我本打算存钱买仓鼠的仓鼠?10元就能买到我看中那只可不便宜看来我们超越了去年的捐钱纪录谢谢你!那都是我们一位志愿者的功劳噢!那是我们穿得最耀眼的一位乔伊崔比昂尼先生!噢,看!乔伊上电视了!太棒啦我的认捐让乔伊上电视了我感到——喔,不!听着也许我之前表现得是有些过火但我想要你知道假如我是最棒的都是你的功劳接着说遇到你之前,我一无所有不信你打电话给我交往过的其它女孩打听打听就几个电话,很快就打完了自从跟你好,自从我们在一起天雷地火!-真的?-我的天!如果你不愿再跟我好,我能理解但那是错的我们太般配了我们分开,天理不容!既然如此?噢!乔伊什么时候回来?我们做我们的,不要他在场别! 把手套留着我刚打扫了卫生间那取了手套吧-现在瞧我的厉害-好-我无意的!-我知道!准备好走了吗,我们要迟到了-什么事迟到?-音乐会啊,记得吗?还有20多分钟就开演了我忘干净了下次好吗。我在等爱米丽的电话当然可以听说你不用去伦敦,真好!并没那么轻松,我们的关系还没有理顺哪方面?还有些问题爱米丽有一些要求跟我说说,也许我能帮得上忙你帮不了我我不能接受你的好意,我自己解决我知道你自己能处理,但假如你想找人谈谈谢谢爱米丽想要什么就给她什么关键是:你爱她满足她一切的要求就行了总要试试。否则你会后悔快接电话,急死我了喂亲爱的我一直在考虑你的要求我答应你你来纽约吗?-前所未有-就是

The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just gotten home and is going through the mail. She finds something that's Monica's and goes over and knocks on her closed bedroom door.]

Monica: (In a sexy voice) Come in. I've been waiting for you.

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi! I just wanna-(sees Monica)-Ahhh!!! Oh my God! (She runs out in horror.) Oh my God!

Monica: (pulling on a robe) Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um, I was taking a nap.

Rachel: Since when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy!

Monica: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. (Thinks) I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha!

Rachel: (Gasps) That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?

Monica: Uh-huh, that one!

Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. (There's a knock on the door.) Maybe that's him. (Goes to answer the door.)

Monica: (Panicking) Okay, umm, okay, umm… (Rachel opens the door.) It's just Joey and Ross.

Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?

Joey: Well, we were! But Ross was talking so loud on his phone they threw us out!

Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!

Joey: (to Monica and Rachel) He's talking to London!

Monica: But why?! Did he get in touch with Emily?

Joey: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.

Ross: (on phone) I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name you prissy, old twit!

Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family.

Chandler: (entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that Monica is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are eating breakfast.]

Joey: (entering, wearing a tux) Hey!

Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux!

Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.

Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited on—y'know what, what you up to Joe?

Joey: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as co-host!

Monica: Oh that's great!

Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do!

Phoebe: Ugh, PBS!

Monica: What's wrong with PBS?

Phoebe: Ugh, what's right with them?

Joey: Why don’t you like PBS, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Okay, 'cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever wrote back.

Chandler: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.

Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain! And by that time I was living in a box. I didn't have keys!

Joey: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just wanted to do a good deed. Like-like you did with the babies.

Phoebe: This isn't a good deed, you just wanted to get on TV! This is totally selfish.

Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What about you, having those babies for your brother? Talk about selfish!

Phoebe: What-what are you talking about?!

Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel really good right?

Phoebe: Yeah. So?

Joey: It made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deeds, sorry.

Phoebe: Yes there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless.

Joey: Well, may I ask for one example?

Phoebe: Yeah, it's… Y'know there's—no you may not!

(They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the point. Chandler, meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.)

Joey: That's because all people are selfish.

Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?!

Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right?

Phoebe: I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you, you evil genius.

(Ross's phone rings and he answers it.)

Ross: (on phone) Hello.

Emily: (on phone from London) Hello, Ross?

Ross: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Emily! (He picks up a lamp and hands it to Chandler, for no reason.) It's Emily everyone! Shush-shush-shhst! (to Emily) Hi!

Emily: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives. Good-bye!

Ross: No wait! Look, wait! Okay, you can hang up, but I'm gonna keep calling! I'm gonna, I'm gonna call everyone in England if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me!

Emily: Really? About what?

Ross: Look you're my wife. We're-we're married. Y'know? I-I love you. I-I really miss you.

Emily: I miss you to. Well, at least I think I do.

Ross: (to the gang, whispering) She's talking.

All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he goes off to talk to Emily in private.)

Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause, you meant?

Joey: That he doesn't exist.

Phoebe: Right. (She turns and opens her eyes in shock.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?

Chandler: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him.

Rachel: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man?

Monica: Ohh, he's really shy. I-I don’t think he's up to meeting everyone yet.

Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.

Rachel: I don’t care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had!

(Chandler is quite pleased with that statement.)

Chandler: Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that?

Monica: I might've said that. (Chandler laughs.) Why is that funny?

Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you lucky dog!

Ross: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.

Chandler: Yes!

Monica: That's great!

Ross: In London!

Monica: What?!

Ross: She wants me to move to London.

Monica: But you live here! (Ross rolls his eyes.) You know that.

Rachel: What-what-what are you gonna do?

Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to London with Ben.

Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife.

Ross: It could happen.

[Scene: Unitel Video, Studio 55, Joey's telethon, he is being shown around by the stage director.]

Joey: (To the pledge volunteers) How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya!

Stage Director: This will be your phone.

Joey: That's great. But uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls.

Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges.

Joey: But I'm the host!

Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.

Joey: You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Remoray.

Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there.]

Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass!

Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.

Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!

Chandler: (entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?

Monica: Sure!

Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?

Rachel: Chandler! (Pause) Is he?

Monica: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend.

Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. (He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's on the phone with Emily.]

Ross: All right Emily, as much as I love you, I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben.

Emily: I understand that would be difficult.

Ross: Yeah, would you please consider moving here? I mean you were gonna move here anyway, why can't you just do that?

Emily: I don't know, it's just…

Ross: Oh-oh-okay, but-but I know, that even though I've been a-a complete idiot up 'til now, I mean, I mean you-you-you have to come here. You have to come here so we can work this out.

Emily: All right.

Ross: All right, did you just say all right?

Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot.

Ross: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's gonna be so great! We're gonna be like-like-like two idiots in love!

(She laughs.)

Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still.

Ross: Yes, tell me.

Emily: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on that altar in front of my entire family, all my friends.

Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry.

Emily: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching our plane with her.

Ross: Again, very sorry.

Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her!

Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you.

Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this work.

Ross: Oh that is so great! That's…

Emily: (interrupting him) As long as you don't see Rachel anymore.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler about Emily's ultimatum.]

Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes.

Chandler: Yes!

Phoebe: Ooh-ohh!

Monica: Great!

Ross: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.

Phoebe: Why?

Monica: What?! You can't—what did you tell her?

Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking you!

Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends.

Monica: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see Emily, I mean that's his wife.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Chandler: That's true!

Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot just cut her out of your life.

Chandler: That's true!

Monica: No, you cannot.

Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. (Wipes his hands.)

(The phone rings.)

Monica: (answering it) Hello.

Joey: (on phone) Hey Mon!

Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV?

Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure.

Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV.

Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? (He waves his hand in front of the woman next to him and you can now see his arm on TV.)

Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is!

Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the chick and the duck are watching Emeril Live, a cooking show.]

Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs…

(Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to turn off the TV.)

Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel!

Monica: (entering) Hi Chandler.

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day.

Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars.

Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27.

Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves.

Monica: Yeah, so?

Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had.

Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room and imitates Chandler's happy dance.)

Chandler: What's your point?

[Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he answers it.]

Joey: (in a bored voice) PBS telethon.

Phoebe: (on phone from Central Perk) Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.

Joey: What?! What good is that gonna do anybody?

Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am definitely not.

Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya.

Phoebe: (Thinks for a moment.) Aw, dammit! (Slams the phone down.)

Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!

(Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy sitting there.)

Joey: Hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me?

PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man.

Joey: Come on man! You've been here all day!

PBS Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here, eh?

Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)

Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the performance of Cirque Du Soleil, (As he is speaking, Joey and the volunteer getting into a shoving match.) and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming, it's very simple. All you have to do (Joey is knocked down.) is call in your pledge and at that time tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what kind of programming you'd like to… (Just as the volunteer sits down, Joey pulls him to the ground.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are cooking, Chandler is reading a magazine.]

Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate. (He holds up and starts shaking a…)

Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision with a toy!

Phoebe: Ooh, it's not a toy.

Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got nothing! All right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. (There are none.) Okay then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see Rachel again? (He turns it over and reads the answer) Ask again later. Later is not good enough. (He shakes it up again and reads the answer.) Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it is broken!

Monica: All right, let me see. (She grabs the 8 ball.) Will Chandler have sex tonight? (Reads the answer.) Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me.

[Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing phone.]

Joey: (in an unenthusiastic voice) PBS Telethon.

Phoebe: (on phone) Hi Joey.

Joey: Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200.

Joey: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after what Sesame Street did to ya?

Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now that they bring happiness to lots of kids who's moms didn't kill themselves, so by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there, a selfless good deed.

Joey: And you don't a little good about donating the money?

Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster.

Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks.

Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.

Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers…(He walks over to where Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!

Phoebe: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? My pledge got Joey on TV! Oh that makes me feel—Oh no! (Realizes that her deed made her happy and therefore it's selfish and covers her mouth in horror.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is coming out of the bathroom carrying her cleaning gear.]

Chandler: (entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best.

Monica: Keep talking.

Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH…MY…GOD.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to sex!

Monica: Well, if we owe it? (She throws down her cleaning stuff and jumps into his arms.) Oh my… When is Joey gonna be home?

Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on.

Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom.

Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves.

Monica: Yeah. (She takes them off.)

(He carries her over to the door and opens it.)

Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's done.

Monica: Okay.

(He starts to carry her into the hallway but hits her head on the door.)

Monica: Ow!

Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it?

Monica: I know!

(He carries her into the hall.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the Magic 8 Ball with a screwdriver as there's a knock on his door which he goes to answer.]

Rachel: (entering) Hi! Are you ready? We're gonna be late!

Ross: For what?

Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20 minutes.

Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily.

Rachel: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay!

Ross: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of relationship stuff.

Rachel: Like what?

Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants.

Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help.

Ross: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this without your help.

Rachel: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to… Hi!

Ross: Thanks.

Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy!

Ross: (answering the phone.) Hello. (Listens) Hi sweetie. (Listens.) Good. Look umm, yes I've been thinking about that thing that you wanted me to do and, I can do it. (Rachel gives him a thumbs up.) So will you come to New York? (Rachel wants to know what she said, and he gives her a thumbs up and she goes over and hugs him. All the time not knowing what's going on.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, ??????? is playing, as Chandler peaks his head out of the storage closet and sneaks back to his seat and pretends he's reading something. Then a short while later Monica pokes her head out of the closet and sneaks back to her seat and sits down, pretending as if nothing has happened.]

Monica: Never done that before.

Chandler: Nope.

End

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