你在看土著裸女？不，你看是只猪我知道，但你看它身上这么多疙瘩爱米丽的表弟把我扫地出门了什么？为什么？房东是我妻子的表弟我又离婚了，这种情况下房东也许会要求把房子收回去好过分！你没签租约？“一家人”签什么租约？你跟我们一起住好了，我们照顾你只要你需要但答应我们，一旦你情绪好转我们就要取笑你的头发可以谢谢，非常感谢我又要去收拾行李了一直搬来搬去我简直像个游牧民族的了！他以为你说你像个“生殖腺”假如餐厅都像你这里这么干净，我就失业了拉瑞!卫生督察挣佣金的吗？不，是拿贿赂可以笑吗？可以，我是在开玩笑好我去检查厨房地板请便！随便查！好!我的——你的拉瑞？我是想让他检查我的厨房地板98分！扣掉你两分是因为你没带厨师帽。违反了第5条规定拉瑞厨师手册第5条是我写的只要出了厨房，帽子带不带无所谓！你的帽子呢？在厨房里我去拿！这两分她丢定了你自己写的书也不读仔细！你看到帽子在厨房里知道她进去拿的时候头上会没有帽子你像侦探一样擅长推理！是吗那样我就能当你的助手了我可以叫芳达也许我能约芳达吃顿饭？她一定很高兴的因为你挑的都是干净馆子电话联络好他真有趣!谢谢你莫！爱米丽一事以后，罗斯怎样了？兴致不大高不过他能应付等等，你不会想——别乱想，我跟罗斯不可能从头来过了他会颓废好一阵子的另外，我不追刚离婚的男人对，你只追快结婚的男人两磅爪哇摩卡咖啡是丹尼你们后来约会过没？不晓得！约会一次后，他就再没给我打过电话走廊里碰见他，我们眉来眼去，我非常——然后什么也没发生嘿喔，很渴对吧？我在周六开派对庆祝乔迁之喜有趣我很期待再见他没打算邀我们我懂了他不约我，是想让我约他你不会屈尊的哦？当然那样他就占上风了他借“开派对”为幌子向我发出邀请的信号弄巧成拙呀根本没有派对？有，但是控制权我们两个都想争取，懂了吗？哦那他不邀你参加派对，倒是因为他喜欢你？正确罗斯嘿，室友你把家里弄成这样，我很高兴箱子是太多了很感谢你们收留我没问题对了，既然你要住一段时间-不如把你的名字添到电话答录机？-好！希望你们不介意我已经加上了听 “我们会！”“我们会回电话！”好呀帅！你也是假笑，对吧／笑假泪真你今晚很美再给我看看徽章嘛炫！我去洗手，你不介意吧？我下班直接过来的，这双手不知摸过哪里呢职业病-我们走！-为什么？经过厨房时，我看到了10个违例我要把这地方关掉!-你有这么大的权利？-这个徽章有关了这家餐厅！你在做什么？没你在建堡垒吗？差不多吧我的天!罗斯的空气净化机！大学四年，我一直听它嗡嗡嗡老兄，你可以时不时出去溜达溜达我讨厌这玩意儿罗斯是我们的朋友他现在很需要我们成熟一点，来，到堡垒里看电视我想邀请你去参加派对谢谢，我们会去的我想我会很忙是吗？我不是有特别活动吗？什么活动？赛舟会你会划船？不，我观战-希望明晚见到你-好-再见他果然用这招对吧哪一招他不是邀你去派对，你不是得偿所愿？但他最后一刻才邀我假如我答应他会知道我除了等他的邀请以外再无事可做但我拒绝了这让我争回了上风哦，这下该他接球了（这下该他犯难了）球，哪来什么球乔伊，别闹了抱歉孩子们好，-来玩足球机吧！-好把桌子搬到我房间这里全是纸箱子我有个问题这个手势啥意思？再见，小木偶乔伊的手？不，是让我静一静！手势是这样的吧我不知道我还能忍受多久他用录着《海滩救生队》的录影带去录昆虫秀！我的天!要是色情片呢也会被他洗掉的！这是挺难的不过和罗斯，我大学时代也忍过来了那我再忍忍-我们玩吧-好-不！-进了！-伙计们他得搬走有吃的吗？我去Johnos买鸡，那里关门了我带拉瑞去吃饭，但那里违规了所以我们勒令他们停业假如他把我们最喜欢的馆子都关掉，那我们上哪儿吃东西？那去干净馆子？也好!是丹尼别让他进来!我现在应该在赛舟会的我们马上过来你就不能说赛舟会会晚点举行吗什么赛舟会会在晚上举行无中生有那种-我想要个杓子，你们有吗？-有派对上见你知道拉瑞会怎么告别吗？他会说，勺子再见我看完了。你要吗？体育？国际？公寓出租？我要体育版我先看好吧，我看国际版那也是我的我是意大利人我看公寓出租版吧不过这版从来就没什么好看的第7页呢？没错，这里有个地方价钱挺合适两个睡房，离工作地点近5星期后出租圈上的那处呢？当工作室有点贵了但可以马上入住！不是吗对我们马上去看房-走吧!-好！伙计们，能给空气净化机换新过滤器吗？毕竟我们都用 “快”走！我的天!看！你的厨房兼浴室太好了!你人在浴缸里都能煮饭！有人动心了我们去看其它地方算了我们接着找吧但这地方现在就能入住你也不希望再跟我们挤五个星期吧你们要我租这里？完美！你说呢厨房兼浴室明白了我下楼去填表我们是坏人他知道我们要赶走他了我们也在厨房摆个浴缸好吗准备好去吃饭了吗好了到你想去的比克街的意大利餐厅好吗？我喜欢那家!还是算了那去Mama Lisettie？好呀牛奶摆多久了？别这样，这地方是非常卫生的牛奶是我的今天买的牛奶因为我渴了走吧嘿，伙计卫生条例第11条第2点规定倒垃圾必须从后门走，不知道吗？那我就得从干洗部绕过去贪方便不顾卫生？够了，拉瑞你就只当拉瑞、别老想着卫生督察的职责好吗？开始还觉得到处查封馆子挺刺激的但现在……我们上哪儿吃饭？那我就给他个警告算了谢谢你还不快溜！假如饭后你还想抓人我知道有个卖热狗的家伙爱挖鼻孔也许我们干了件好事帮助罗斯独立那地方不错虽没有壁橱，但他能把东西装袋，挂在窗外我们该怎么办？我不知道吃比萨怎样？是说对罗斯!是那个公寓的管理处打来的罗斯填表时证明人一栏写的我们俩罗斯人很好，他很可靠他有只大狗，很大一直吠到深夜哎，谁不爱狗呢他还是个踢踏舞者对，有人会认为那是过时的艺术他还是个皮条客!对，他是个皮条客对啦，他是个跳踢踏舞的皮条客糟糕，行不通的，他就在那儿走过去打个招呼我要到楼下再上来假装刚从赛舟会回家去引开他、不许太骚玩得开心吗派对很棒食物可口大多的派对都只有薯片和色拉薯片和色拉你在吃什么？色拉那这是什么？面包-你不是厨师吗？-嘿，瑞秋对了，今晚你开派对你看来不错啊!真高兴你赶回来赛艇会总要结束的别走开、我很快回来嘿，现在球在哪一边了？不是说没有球吗？得了，他很高兴我来了他还叫我别走开这种暗示不是很明显吗？这是我朋友，汤姆这是我跟你提过的女孩是吗!你还跟别人提起我呢你们俩一定能一拍即和我要回派对了你在Bloomingdale's上班吗？我妈妈管那里叫小名儿Bloomies稍息，战士!什么？别再装蒜了汤米，我全明白你是丹尼的舵手，对吧？你们是最铁的哥们，死党我去找朋友谈谈你去跟你的朋友谈吧去跟他说”做得不错”他不断找人来约我兵来将挡，我可不怵我想喝一杯走吧98，99，100！好，走吧我好得很再来房子没租到申请有问题开玩笑？但菲比说我能到她那暂住你不能跟菲比一起住我们是室友我不占你们的空间我们地方够大！音响那边还空着呢求你，留下来你们确定吗？-确定！-留下吧说我是皮条客没关系有的时候我是很讨人嫌但你们跟我谈谈就行了我能改掉我的坏习惯看来你今天收获不小啊不觉得牛仔帽有点太过分？来，很好玩的!好！是女人的帽子？伙计，别说废话了给我们来点茶吧!
The One Where Ross Moves In
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is looking at a National Geographic and giggling.]
Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's women?
Joey: No, look. (Shows him the magazine.)
Chandler: That's a pig.
Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her.
(Ross enters and his hair is a mess.)
Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)
Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out!
Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?
Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family!
Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!
Ross: You got it.
Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
(Joey starts giggling.)
Chandler: He thought you said gonad.
(Joey busts out laughing.)
[Scene: Monica's restaurant, she is getting inspected by the health department, Phoebe is watching.]
Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living.
Monica: Oh, Larry.
Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission?
Larry: No, bribes.
Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right?
Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding.
Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs harder.)
Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors.
Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry.
(He goes into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors.
Larry: (entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation.
Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.
Larry: And where is your hat?
Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it.
(She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the door…)
Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points.
Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show!
Larry: Oh, I don't know about that.
Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda.
Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime.
Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat.
Larry: I-I'll call ya.
(Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.)
Phoebe: He's so funny! (She imitates what he just did.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Monica and Rachel.]
Rachel: Thank you. (To Monica) Mon?
Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff.
Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try…
Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
Danny: (To Gunther) Two pounds of Moca Java please.
Monica: (To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again?
Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.
Danny: (To them) Hey!
Rachel: Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh?
Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing.
Monica: Ohh, fun!
Rachel: Ohh, great!
Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
Danny: Okay, see ya. (Heads out.)
Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house.
Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out.
Monica: And you're not gonna do that.
Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it?
Monica: So-so there is no party.
Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me?
Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they're entering to find boxes strewn about the apartment.]
Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey roomies!
Chandler: Love what you've done with the place.
Ross: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.
Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't—I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine.
Chandler: Oh yeah!
Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. (He plays the greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and Ross's voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call you back!
Joey: Hey, all right!
Ross: Pretty cool, huh?
(They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.)
Joey: (To Chandler) You're fake laughing too, right?
Chandler: Oh, the tears are real.
[Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Larry are having dinner.]
Larry: You look beautiful this evening.
Phoebe: (smiles) Show me the badge again.
(He looks around and flashes her his badge and she laughs.)
Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who knows where these babies (Holds up his hands) have been.
Phoebe: (laughing) You are just nonstop!
(He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.)
Larry: (coming back) We're outta here!
Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down!
Phoebe: (awed) You have the power to do that?
Larry: This does. (Shows her his badge.)
Phoebe: (excited) Shut it down.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes his head up from a box enclosure built using the 2 chairs.]
Chandler: What are you doing?
Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya?
Joey: (smiles) Kinda.
Chandler: (notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.)
Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while.
Chandler: I hate this thing!
Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening the door.]
Rachel: Oh, hi Danny.
Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night.
Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by.
Rachel: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy.
Monica: You are?
Rachel: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala.
Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for?
Rachel: It's a uh, regatta gala.
Danny: Really! You-you sail?
Rachel: No-no, but I support it.
Danny: Okay, (To Monica) hope I see you tomorrow night.
Danny: Take care. (Leaves.)
Rachel: Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right into that one didn't he?
Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it!
Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat.
Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?
Rachel: Ball? There is no ball.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Ross is working on his computer and Joey is making a lot of noise.]
Ross: (glaring at him) Joey, please! (Motions to his computer.)
(Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it attack him.)
(Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but I don't want to try and describe it as well.)
Chandler: (entering) Hello children!
Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please?
Chandler: Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.)
Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on!
(They go into his bedroom.)
Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down' maneuver, but does move his hands up and down he just flaps his hands as if he's waving good-bye.)
Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?
Joey: No, the quiet down thing!
Chandler: You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.)
Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been porn?
Chandler: (gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him!
Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game.
(They start playing.)
Ross: (entering) Uh fellas, (Does the maneuver and gives them a double thumbs up, which Chandler returns as he closes the door.)
Chandler: Okay, so he's out of here.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed!
Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down!
Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?!
Monica: I don't know, clean places?
Joey: Umm, yum!
(There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)
Monica: (looking through the peephole) It's Danny.
Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala.
Monica: (to Danny) We'll be right there! (To Rachel) Can't you just say it starts later?
Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?!
Monica: The fake kind!
(She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.)
Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle?
Monica: We have a ladle. (Gives him one.)
Danny: Thanks, see you at the party.
Monica: Okay, great!
(He leaves and she closes the door.)
Phoebe: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, "See you ladle." (Laughs.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are there. Chandler and Joey are looking through the paper.]
Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings?
Ross: I'll take sports.
Joey: Mine! (He grabs it.)
Ross: All right. Uhh, international.
Joey: Oh that's mine too! (Grabs it and Ross looks at him.) I'm Italian!
Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here.
Chandler: Not even on page 7?
Ross: (looks) Oh yeah! You're—hey, you're right! Here's an affordable place, (reading ad) two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks!
Chandler: What about that circled one?
Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio.
Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it?
Chandler: Yes, it is.
Joey: Hey, let's go look at it! (They both jump up.)
Ross: Okay, let's go.
Chandler: There we go!
Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it.
Chandler: Let's go quicker.
[Scene: The apartment in the listing, the guys are checking it out. There's one problem though, it's roughly the size of this computer screen. As they enter Joey lets out a whistle.]
Ross: Oh my God! (Looking around, which doesn't take him long.)
Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub.
Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place.
(They don't move, just look all around them.)
Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking.
Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now!
Chandler: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks.
(He looks at them.)
Ross: (To Joey) So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place?
Joey: Oh, it's perfect!
Ross: (To Chandler) How about you?
Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom.
Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an application.
Chandler: We are bad people.
Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! (Pause.) You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there waiting for Larry.]
Larry: (entering) Hey, ready for dinner?
Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely!
Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right?
Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! (Thinks about it.) So, no.
Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's?
Phoebe: Enh. Sure!
Larry: (notices something) I wonder how long that milk (on the counter) has been setting out.
Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That—this milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a swig of it, but has to turn away from him as she makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay, let's go!
(Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.)
Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit?
Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place.
Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?!
Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever?
Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning.
Phoebe: Thank you. (To Gunther, who's standing there frozen) Okay, go! Go! Go! (He runs off.) (To Larry) Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are lamenting about how they kicked Ross out.]
Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet!
Chandler: Yes that was a nice place!
Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!
Chandler: What are we gonna do?
Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza?
Chandler: About Ross!
Joey: Oh! Oh!
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.
Chandler: (grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?
(The apartment manager hung up on him and he hangs up the phone and throws in on the chair. Joey motions, "What the hell was that?" Chandler makes a face to say, "Think about it." Joey tries to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly, light dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.)
(Joey motions, "Now, that's thinking!")
[Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the stairs.]
Rachel: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there!
Monica: Just go over and say hi.
Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy.
Monica: Hey, Danny!
Danny: Hey! What's going on?
Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this? (Points to his plate.)
Monica: Ooooh! (Rachel now succeeds in getting downstairs.) And-and-and what-what's this? (Points again.)
Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef?
Monica: (upon seeing Rachel she points) Oh.
Danny: Hey! Rachel!
Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party.
Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it.
Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime.
Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. (He heads off.)
Rachel: Yeah, sure. (To Monica) All right, whose court is the ball in now?
Monica: I thought there wasn't a ball?
Rachel: Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place!
Danny: (returning, with a friend) Rachel, this is my friend Tom. (To Tom) This is the girl I told you about.
Rachel: Oh, go on! You telling people about me?
Danny: You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle. (Leaves.)
Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies.
Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, okay, at ease solider!
Tom: I'm sorry?
Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros!
Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try."
(He walks off.)
Rachel: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park!
Monica: I think I need a drink.
(They go get a drink.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross still has boxes all over the place. Joey is wearing a football helmet, and Chandler is spinning him around in one of the chairs and counting.]
Chandler: 98. 99. 100. Okay, go!
Joey: (getting up) Dude, I'm telling ya! I'm fine! (He tries to take a step and falls flat on his face.)
(He tries to get up again and starts falling backwards and Chandler catches him.)
Chandler: Here we go! Here we go!
Ross: Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application.
Joey: You're kidding!
Chandler: You're kidding, no!
Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So…
Joey: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomies!
Ross: Look, you guys don't need me here taking up your space.
Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there (Points to where the window is but sees that there isn't any space there and points towards his door.) by-by that speaker. Please, just stay!
Ross: Are you guys sure about this?
Chandler: Yes! Ross, you have to stay!
Ross: All right.
Joey: All right!
Chandler: All right, buddy!
Ross: So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do everything I can to keep my annoying habits just (Does the 'quiet down' maneuver).
(Chandler and Joey smile, but when Ross turns away look at each other with looks of horror.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.]
Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?
Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun!
Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?
Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!
(Chandler does so.)