莫妮卡，这是我过过的最好的感恩节你就要把我们撑死了我一口也吃不下了我还得来块甜点你们想看电视吗？好啊莫妮卡你的遥控器坏了菲比，你得把它拿起来按哦，那就算了我知道该做什么了大家来讲自己最感激的事吧我！我感谢我们度过的这个美丽的秋天很不错很甜蜜，乔伊因为那天我在车站，可爱的秋风忽然吹落了一个美女的裙子哦还有，我还很感激她的皮带我的意思是，这不单单是一条内裤而是工程上的创举令人惊叹的是这么少的料能起这么大作用它们还总在你脑子里回旋穿了，还是没穿你知道自己在说什么吗？有没有不是感谢皮带的人？我不知道该选哪个是离婚还是被赶出去我想还是都不选为妙对不起我的感恩节真是糟糕透了不，我的感恩节才是最糟的你的婚姻故事还是靠边站吧你不会又想把你父母离婚的故事再重复一遍吧？哦上帝，别干吗不，我想听！一个没有钱德唠叨的感恩节是不完整的就是，这是传统，就像游街只不过游街不会告诉你它是同性恋更不会抛弃整个家庭1978年感恩节钱德，我和你爸爸离婚了但这并不意味着我们不爱你了只是意味着你爸爸将不会和我而是和某个男人睡觉了火鸡？钱德先生？你说的对，你的最糟你是糟糕感恩节之王我不这么认为我有个更糟的真的？比“火鸡，钱德先生”还糟？比起一个富男孩和他的管家的故事？当然，我的更糟！1862年感恩节绷带！绷带！请给我点绷带吧这个人快死了这辈子，菲比！哦这辈子，那好，钱德的最糟真酷！你能记得这些东西我就一点前世的记忆都没有当然了亲爱的，你是全新的我知道莫妮卡最糟的感恩节还是别提它了拜托～我知道我知道是乔伊把莫妮卡的火鸡套在头上的事什么？乔伊把火鸡套在头上？嘿，事实不是这样的事实就是这样的1992年感恩节- 哈喽- 哈喽- 菲比？- 乔伊，怎么回事？- 看- 哦 我的天哪！我知道，它套住了别紧张，先下来你怎么套上的？我想套上它来吓钱德哦天那，莫妮卡会气疯的那就快帮我取下来这里面真难闻当然难闻了谁让你把头插到死尸的屁股里嘿你把火鸡上油了吗？哦我的天，这是谁？是我乔伊你这是干吗？难道这很好玩吗？不，不是为了好玩而是为了吓人快给我取下来！我做不到，它套住了我不管，我父母还要用火鸡招待20多号人呢，他们总不能吃你的头吧！别急，我们先想想办法就这样吧，菲比你用力拉我尽量把腿张大乔伊，什么时候了还开玩笑对不起！对不起！好，数数，1，2，3！啊～奏效！我吓到你了我早知道了，哈哈我在这边，帮主对，我知道我吓到你你当时看起来真像白痴嘿～又不只我一个人看起来白痴还记得罗斯点了“笋瓜”结果出来了“瓜和笋”？对，那也差不多的确，那就是我最糟的感恩节等等！这可不是瑞秋要说的那个她都不知道这件事你准备说的是什么？呃，我真的不想再提那事了拜托，莫妮卡，感恩节的意义就在于分享痛苦、减轻压力嘛比如说我，还有印第安人其实，众人中你肯定最不愿意听到这个故事莫妮卡！我想是瑞秋来了我来开！感恩节快乐！我糟透了，齐普和我分手了为什么？发生什么事了？你知道，我父母要出城去所以齐普要来和我…对对，你们要—翻云覆雨莫妮卡，你能不能就说上床你的词把我说的鸡皮疙瘩都起来了还有，如果你以后要这样，记住：男人是不懂得温柔的！相信我！- 嗨，瑞秋感恩节快乐！你嘴真甜嘿～哦天哪！各位，这是钱德我的室友兼乐队主唱- 罗斯！- 哦，这是莫妮卡- 嗨，我是罗斯的妹妹- 好很高兴你能来，钱德我准备了很多食物，希望你已经饿了哦妈，妈。钱德讨厌感恩节所以不吃任何感恩节食品那好，很高兴你带他来呃，钱德，如果你需要的话我可以给你做些通心面和干酪吃只要朝圣者还不吃，我也不吃该死！瑞秋，你觉得我们见面很突然吗？从我毕业后都没见过了哦，没什么那好，那么你…我简直不能相信齐普居然和那个荡妇出去我再也不和他约会了，不管他怎么求我！我想他不会再求你了因为他现在已经和那个荡妇出去了你知道吗？我恨透了高中男生了他们简直太幼稚了都是幼稚、愚蠢的男孩我需要一个真正的男人！朱蒂，你和杰克要的碗我找不到叫爸妈，你个败类莫妮卡嘿，钱德通心面和干酪如何？哦，很好，你应该做个厨师好的知道吗？那个荡妇的事只是谣言齐普说他今晚要来我家！- 那太好了！- 我知道你和齐普今晚的一切一定要一点不漏的告诉我一定、一定，你知道其实我们已经做过一次了我知道，不过这次你会清楚的知道自己究竟做没做我知道，这次齐普保证了他说他一定会持续一首歌的长度的！我想今晚约瑞秋出去也许能为她演奏我们上周写的歌情感背包？ / 对加油！不过，别弄的太久，因为我们今晚还有试试我们的假身份证呢对，科立夫.阿华滋听着，罗兰.钱，如果进展顺利我们会呆一整个晚上花花公子，那我怎么办没关系，你可以住在这里我父母不会介意不，我才不想在这里看你肥妞妹妹呢- 嘿莫妮卡，你把这些派吃了怎么样冰箱里没位置了不。不，谢谢朱蒂，你算了吧她已经很饱了！我叫你肥妞？我都不记得了可我记得！我很抱歉，我当时真是白痴我真应该到广场上去号啕大哭简直不能相信，你居然叫她肥妞我不能相信你让乔治.迈克尔揍你我真的很抱歉，真的真的抱歉事实上，我想讲的故事不是这个是的，是这个！不，不是。事实上是…好了，感恩节结束了，该准备圣诞了谁想陪我去买圣诞树？我有一个最好的圣诞故事！我们想听莫妮卡的感恩节故事好吧，我的是侏儒变成两截的故事那就算了1988年感恩节瑞秋，你妈妈说你又换专业了？哦，是的，我又换了因为心理学楼旁边没有停车位嗨瑞秋 / 嗨哇！新鼻子真不错 / 杰克维尔森医生简直是艺术家他把我的胎记都除了，看看吗？我来开 / 不不，让我来嘿 / 嘿感恩节快乐！你们的发型变了嘛对，我们讨论了发型简直不能相信以前我们看起来有多傻莫妮卡在哪？她在楼上，莫妮卡！下来！大家都到了罗斯、瑞秋、还有那个讨厌感恩节的嗨，钱德哦我的天怎、怎么？我衣服上有脏东西？你，你看起来大不一样那衣服！那身段！色小子！ / 对不起！对、对，莫妮卡瘦了，这很好但是我们更想听听罗斯的新女朋友哦妈～好，她的名字是卡萝尔她又聪明又漂亮而且她还在曲棍球队和高尔夫队相信吗？她居然能为两个球队效力钱德，我们呆会儿见色小子 / 对不起哦上帝，太好了，你总算报仇了他的口水都快留出来了！还没有够 / 什么？我的意思是，我看起来是很漂亮了我心里也没疙瘩了，等、等、等但是我不仅仅想这样报仇我还要羞辱他我想把他剥的精光，然后指着他笑好，那就这样做 / 怎么做？男生只有在想做爱前才脱光什么？我之所以辛苦的减肥是为了把我的花蕾献给我爱的人首先，如果你还把它叫什么花蕾没人会理你其次，你并不需要和他上床只需要让他以为你想要对 / 对然后等他脱光了我就把他推出去锁上门，让邻居们都看到那时候，你就算真报仇了！那我怎么让他以为我想和他上床？你应该做得使自己浑身散发魅力什么意思？什么东西都能带来性感像…呣…像这块毛巾！哦～哦，这样使我的脸舒服多了如果你热了，你还能用它擦擦汗交谈的时候你还能把它放在一侧或者让它传过你的手指我懂了！好，好。他过来了，他过来了莫妮卡，能不能给我做上年一样的通心面和干酪？呣，我很乐意哦，我喜欢通心面和干酪我喜欢这盒子摩擦我脸的感觉好 / 我还喜欢红萝卜我还很喜欢它们穿过手指的感觉然后在说话的时候把它们放在这里还有，如果我感觉到很热我就拿起这把刀，然后用钢面来摩擦…身体你没事吧？我很好，只是…病人什么情况？男性、二十岁、右脚一趾被切断你们就不能轻点吗？都知道他是伤了脚趾！-这写着刀穿透了你的鞋子-当然穿了，这只是双凉皮鞋-脚趾带来了吗？-是的，在冰里！别担心孩子，我们会把它接上然后…什么？这是什么？你带了一段萝卜什么？这不是你的脚趾这只是一小段冻萝卜你带了段萝卜？哦上帝，我的厨房里有只脚趾对不起，我现在就去取太晚了我们现在能做的只是包扎伤口就没脚趾了！我要我的脚趾！等等，我会很快的爸，把你保时捷的钥匙给我！我开来的不是那部车这就是为什么我失去我的脚趾？就因为我叫你胖妞？我不是故意的，这是意外！这就是人们叫了我一年跛子先生的原因？对不起，但那也不是整个脚趾对，我失去的趾尖，那是精华部分上面还有趾甲钱德！跛子先生，那是我起的你是个混球我简直不能相信钱德，我说了我很抱歉是，对，道歉有用还要警察干吗？我恨感恩节，恨所有的感恩节再见等等钱德，我能为你弥补什么吗？无论什么事都行可以，离我远点哦－哦，我是只鸭，快乐的走呷、呷，无忧无虑的鸭子勇气可嘉等等听着莫妮卡 / 看！这不奏效我一定要试你太好了，我爱你！什么？没什么，我只是说“你太好了”然后就没了你说了“我爱你”我听到了！不，我没有你说了不，我没有你爱我不，我没有。没有！没有！没有！1915年感恩节纱布！纱布！我需要纱布！谁给我拿点纱布！真荒谬！呃？
The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone has just finished Thanksgiving dinner and are groaning over their fullness.]
Rachel: Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever! I think you killed us.
Ross: I couldn't possibly eat another bite.
Joey: I need something sweet.
Phoebe: Does anyone wanna watch TV?
All: Yeah, sure.
(She starts pushing the power button on the remote, but it's not facing the TV so it doesn't work.)
Phoebe: Monica your remote doesn't work.
Monica: Phoebe, you have to lift it and point.
Phoebe: Oh. Aw, forget it.
Rachel: Yeah, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where everyone says one thing that they're thankful for.
Joey: Ooh-ooh, I! I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having.
Monica: That's very nice.
Chandler: That's sweet, Joey.
Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs. (Note: Actually, I think every guy is thankful for thongs. That and spandex. J )
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Joey is talking about the wonder that is the thong.]
Joey: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering. I mean, it's amazing how much they can do with so little material! And the way they play with your mind! Is it there? Is it not there?
Chandler: Are you aware that you're still talking?
Monica: Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong?
Ross: Huh, I don't know what to pick. Am I more thankful for my divorce or my eviction? Hmm.
Phoebe: Wow! See, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything.
Ross: I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worse Thanksgiving ever.
Chandler: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me.
Rachel: Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents got divorced again are you?
Ross: Oh God, no.
Joey: Oh, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out!
Chandler: It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family.
(And with that, we start a series of flashbacks to Thanksgiving's of years gone by.)
[Scene: The Bing household, Mr. and Mrs. Bing and Young Chandler are eating Thanksgiving dinner as a housekeeper serves them.]
Mrs. Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce it doesn't mean we don't love you. It just means he would rather sleep with the house-boy than me.
The Housekeeper: More turkey Mr. Chandler? (And he makes eyes at him.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Ross: You're right. Yours is worse. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings.
Phoebe: I don't know about that. I've got one that's worse.
Chandler: Really? Worse than, "More turkey Mr. Chandler?"
Phoebe: Oh, did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? Yes, mine's worse!
[Scene: A Union battlefield hospital, Phoebe, in a past life, is tending to a wounded Union soldier. (By the way, for historical perspective, 1862 was the second year of the American Civil War.)]
Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying—(She is cut off by an exploding shell just outside the tent. When the smoke clears, she's missing an arm and the blood is pumping out like you'd see in a horror movie. And upon seeing her condition, she says…) Oh no.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Ross: In this life, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh, this life! Oh okay no, Chandler's is worse.
Joey: Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! I don't have any past life memories.
Phoebe: Of course you don't sweetie. You're brand new.
Rachel: I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.
Monica: Oh, let's not tell this story.
All: Oh, come on!
Phoebe: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head!
Rachel: What?! Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?!
Joey: Hey, it's not like it sounds.
Chandler: It's exactly like it sounds.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Phoebe is entering.]
Joey: (muffled) Hello?
Phoebe: (surprised) Hello?
Phoebe: Joey? What's going on?
Joey: Look. (He walks out of the bathroom with his head stuck in a huge turkey.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Joey: I know! It's stuck!!!
Phoebe: (walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step. How did it get on?
Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out!
Joey: Well then help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here.
Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head up a dead animal.
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey basted—Oh my God! Oh my God! (She sees someone is stuck in the turkey.) Who is that?
Joey: It's Joey.
Monica: What-what are you doing? Is this supposed to be funny?
Phoebe: No, it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be scary.
Monica: Well, get it off now!
Joey: I can't! It-it's stuck!
Monica: Well, I don't care! That-that turkey has to feed 20 people at my parent's house and they're not gonna eat it off your head!
Phoebe: All right, hold on! Okay, let's just all think.
(They all start thinking. Joey starts rubbing his chin, of course his chin is currently inside the turkey so he ends up rubbing the turkey. And I didn't do that joke one bit of justice. It's one of those you have to see it to get it jokes.)
Monica: Okay, I got it. Phoebe? All right, you pull. I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can. (Joey starts giggling.) Joey? Now is not the time!
Joey: Sorry! Sorry.
(They get into position to pull the turkey off.)
Monica: Okay, count to three. 1. 2. 3!
(They both pull but Joey slips out and starts to fall backwards just as Chandler enters, scaring him.)
Chandler: Arghhhhhh!! (Joey turns around to taunt him, but Chandler is in the doorway and Joey is facing the kitchen.)
Joey: (pointing) It worked! I scared ya, I knew it! Ha-ha!
Chandler: I'm over here big guy.
Joey: (turning all the way around, and still not facing Chandler) Yeah, you are! (Starts dancing.) I scared you!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Chandler: (laughing) You did look like an idiot.
Joey: Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot. All right? Remember when Ross tried to say, "Butternut squash?" And it came out, "Squatternut buash?"
Ross: Yeah that's the same.
Monica: That's it. That's my worse Thanksgiving.
Phoebe: Oh wait! That can't be the one Rachel's talking about. She didn't even know that happened. So which one was it?
All: Which one?
Monica: Umm, I-I really don't want to tell this story.
Chandler: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians.
Monica: Look umm, of all people, you do not want me to tell this story!
[Scene: The Geller household, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner. The doorbell rings.]
Mrs. Geller: Monica! I think Rachel's here!
Monica: I'll get it! (She runs in, and she's her old fat self like The One With The Prom Video. Not only that, she's out of breath after running a short distance. She goes over and opens the door to reveal Rachel with her old nose.) Happy Thanksgiving!
Big Nosed Rachel: Not for me. Chip and I broke up!
Fat Monica: Oh, why? Why? What happened?
Big Nosed Rachel: Well, you know that my parents are out of town and Chip was going to come over…
Fat Monica: Yeah, yeah, and you were going him y'know, your flower.
Big Nosed Rachel: Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?! It really creeps me out when you call it that! Okay, and by the way, while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believe me! (Walks into the living room and greets Monica's parents.) Hi!
Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel!
Big Nosed Rachel: Happy Thanksgiving!
Mrs. Geller: You too sweethart!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
(He brought home Chandler for Thanksgiving. Chandler is sporting the very popular Flock of Seagulls haircut. Yeah, it's another you have to see it to believe it kinda thing.)
Mr. Geller: Oh my!
Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band!
Fat Monica: Ross! (Wanting to be introduced.)
Ross: Oh, this is Monica.
Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister.
Chandler: (seeing her) Okay.
Mrs. Geller: I'm so glad you could come Chandler, we've got plenty of food so I hope you're hungry.
Ross: Oh, mom. Mom. Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, well, I'm so glad you brought him here then.
Fat Monica: Umm, Chandler, if you want I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner.
Chandler: Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in.
(As she is drinking, Monica laughs and Chandler's joke and Diet Coke comes out of her nose.)
Fat Monica: dammit! (Runs off.)
(Ross points out Rachel to Chandler and goes over to talk to her. Rachel is checking out her nose in her compact mirror.)
Ross: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? Y'know since I've been away at college.
Big Nosed Rachel: Oh! No, not really.
Ross: Well, that's cool. So did… (She walks away from him and he shuts up.)
(Rachel wanders into the kitchen where Monica is making Chandler's dinner.)
Big Nosed Rachel: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson. I am never going out with him again. I don't care how much he begs!
Fat Monica: I think his begging days are over now that he's going out with Nancy Branson.
Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. (Ross is overhearing this.) Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men!
Ross: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that bowl that you and Jack were looking for.
Fat Monica: Call them mom and dad you loser!
Ross: (in a high pitched voice) Monica!
[Time lapse, dinner has finished and Chandler is sitting on the couch eating some pie. Monica sits down beside him, and he gets pushed up a little by the wave she makes in the couch.]
Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese?
Chandler: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef.
Fat Monica: Okay!
(He gets up and walks away as Rachel come running over all excited.)
Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what?! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight!
Fat Monica: Oh that's so great!
Big Nosed Rachel: I know!
Fat Monica: Oh gosh, listen if you and Chip do it tonight, promise me you'll tell me everything.
Big Nosed Rachel: Oh totally, totally. Y'know it's not that big of deal, we already kinda did it once y'know.
Fat Monica: I know, but y'know, this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it!
Big Nosed Rachel: I know, I know. And oh, and this time Chip promised that-that this time it will last at least for an entire song!
[Cut to the kitchen, Ross and Chandler are doing the dishes.]
Ross: So I’m thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe play her that song we wrote last week.
Chandler: Emotional Knapsack?
Chandler: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don’t take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez.
Ross: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I’m gonna be out with her all night.
Chandler: Dude, don't do that too me!
(Monica enters behind them.)
Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind.
(Monica suddenly gets very happy.)
Chandler: No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister.
(Upon hearing this, Monica starts to break down and storms out. Only to be stopped by her parents.)
Mrs. Geller: (holding two pies) Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room left in the fridge.
Fat Monica: No. No, thank you!
Mr. Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, back to the present day.]
Chandler: I called you fat?! I don't even remember that!
Monica: Well, I do.
Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat.
Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you.
Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry.
Rachel: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about.
Monica: Yes, it was!
Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the…
Monica: (interrupting her) Okay, now Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree?!
Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story!
Chandler: We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story!
Phoebe: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but y'know whatever.
[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Mrs. Geller is cooking and Rachel, post nose job, is helping her.]
Mrs. Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology building.
Mr. Geller: (entering) Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Oh hi!
Mr. Geller: Wow, love your new nose!
Mrs. Geller: Jack.
Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see? (He starts to show her as the doorbell rings.)
Mrs. Geller: I'll get it.
Rachel: No, God! Please, let me! (Runs out.)
(She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back then!)
Ross: Hey. (To his parents) Happy Thanksgiving!
Mr. Geller: (To Chandler) God, your hair sure is different!
Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. (They both quickly push their sleeves over their elbows.)
Ross: So uh, where's Monica?
Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.
(Monica enters, but she forgot something. Oh, about 150 pounds. In other words, she lost weight, big time!)
Monica: Hi, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress? (She turns around making sure he gets a good look.)
Chandler: You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body!
Mrs. Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really want to hear about is Ross's new girlfriend.
Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams!
Monica: So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner.
(She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches her leave and admires the view.)
Mr. Geller: Dude!
(In the kitchen.)
Rachel: (entering) Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great!
Monica: Well it didn't!
Monica: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't feel like I got him back, y'know? I just want to humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like naked and then I'm going to point at him and laugh!
Rachel: Okay, that we may be able to do.
Rachel: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex.
Monica: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him!
Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you're not actually gonna have sex with him! You're just gonna make him think that you are.
Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him!
Rachel: Then, you will definitely get him back!
Monica: Okay, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him?
Rachel: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns you on.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like umm, oh-oh, like this dishtowel! (She grabs it and starts rubbing it on her cheek.) Ooh, ooh, this feels sooo good against my cheek! And-and if I feel a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I can bring it down to my side and bring it through my fingers while I talk to him.
Monica: (excited) I can do that!
Rachel: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. (To Chandler) Hey, what's up? (She leaves and closes the door behind her.)
Chandler: Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year.
Monica: Umm, I'd love too! (She goes over and picks up the box and decides to follow Rachel's advice and holds the box up to her cheek.) Ooh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way this box feels against my cheek.
Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds them between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She picks up a knife without putting the box down. She's holding the box between her cheek and shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have any exposed skin within reach of the knife, so while holding the carrots in one hand and the box between her face and shoulder, she rubs the knife on her stomach.)
Chandler: Are you all right?
Monica: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that—(She drops the box and in a reflex action tries to catch it with her arm, the knife slips out and slowly flips through the air and comes point first down into Chandler's shoe.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler has been rushed to the emergency room.]
The Doctor: What do we got here?
The Paramedic: Twenty year old has got a severed toe on his right foot.
(They go through the doors into the trauma room, opening them by ramming the gurney through them, only Chandler's foot is hanging off the end and he screams in pain.)
Ross: Can you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just said it!
The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right through your shoe.
Mr. Geller: Of course it did. They're made of wicker.
The Doctor: Did you bring the toe?
Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! (She takes a bag of ice out of her purse and hands it to the doctor.)
The Doctor: (opening it) Don't worry son, we'll just attach it and—(Stops suddenly.)
Monica: What?! What is it?
The Doctor: You brought a carrot.
The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot.
Rachel: You brought a carrot?!
Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen.
Monica: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it!
The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound.
Chandler: Without my toe?! I need my toe!
Monica: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche!
Mr. Geller: Oh, I'm not falling for that one!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is reacting to the story.]
Chandler: That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?!
Monica: I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an accident.
Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?!
Monica: I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe!
Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. (He storms out.)
Monica: Chandler! (Follows him out.)
Ross: (To Joey) Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with that.
Joey: You're a dork.
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is standing in front of his door.]
Chandler: I can't believe this.
Monica: Chandler, I said I was sorry.
Chandler: Yeah, well, sorry doesn’t bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later.
Monica: Oh wait, Chandler, come here is there anything I can do? Anything?
Chandler: Yeah, just leave me alone for a while. (He goes into his apartment.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is running around him and quacking.]
Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I’m happy all the time!
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler gets up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal Monica with a turkey over her head.)
Chandler: Nice try.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)
Chandler: Look, Monica…
Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)
Chandler: This is not going to work.
Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)
Chandler: You are so great! I love you!
(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)
Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!
Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!
Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: Yes, you did!
Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: You love me!
Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)
[Scene: The Western front during World War I, Phoebe, in yet another past life, is once again a nurse tending to yet another dying soldier. But this time she's doing it with a French accent.]
French Phoebe: Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze in here! (A shell explodes outside next to the tent and when the smoke clears, Phoebe still has her arm.) Whew! (Her arm falls off and starts pumping out blood.) This is getting ridiculous uh!