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老友记第五季The One With Ross Sandwich

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我坐在什么上面了? 坐在世界之颠(歌名)?坐在海湾码头(歌名)? 我猜不出。 呃!谁的内裤! 是谁的?站出来! 反正不是我的! 是乔伊的!肯定是他的没错! 好吧,是我的。 是乔伊的!乔——伊的! 你的内裤为什么在这儿? 我不晓得 因为我是乔伊。 我就是恶心,我在别人家里脱裤子。 快拿走!你什么毛病? 拿走!拿走! 快点! 乔伊,你连自己的内裤也不敢碰! 钱德?出来谈谈。 到此为止!我厌倦了为你们俩遮羞! 啊!居然把三角裤给玩丢了! 你以为你是什么,三岁小孩吗? 多谢你乔伊,非常感谢! 嘿,用不着你谢。听着, 你们俩老让我当众出丑,我很不爽! 昨天瑞秋在我们卧房发现你的刮毛器, 我没法解释, 只好说那是我在用,因为在戏里要反串! 结果倒好, 哇,脚踝周围也刮干净啦,这里可是死角。 没错!听好,我再也不想 偷偷摸摸我们也不好受。 是啊,不过做爱以后你们就快活多了! 哦,那倒是。 我们以后更谨慎些好吗?我们不想公开, 因为也许正是地下交往 所以我们俩感情才这么好! 我知道这听来很离谱,但我们 实在都不擅长谈恋爱。 我们总是搞砸!帮帮我们!请帮忙! 好吧! 那你跟我睡一次。 乔伊! 说说而已。 嘿,菲比! 看什么书呢? 《呼啸山庄》。 我必须读完它因为我在一间新学校 里选修了文学课,明天上第一课。 没想到你会去上课,太酷了。 那是因为我真的喜欢上次的助产课! 所以这次我想学点更长知识、 又不必考试的课程。 宝贝,听起来很好玩。 那你和我一起去吧!那我就有同班同学啦! 好。 哦,但你哪有时间看书呢? 那本书我高中时读过。 一定很有意思! 好了小声点,我得把它读完。 嗨—— 兄弟怎么了? 有同事吃了我的三明治! 那警察怎么说? 是感恩节留下的三明治。居然被人偷吃了! 罗斯,只是一块三明治而已! 只是三明治? 我三十了,将要二度离婚, 而且房东逼我搬家! 那块三明治是我生命中唯一美好的东西! 有人吃掉了我生命中唯一美好的东西! 好吧,我有更好吃的东西, 本来想留着自己吃的,不过 太好了。多谢。 我还是不敢相信居然有人 偷吃我的东西!因为 我留了条子在上面。 有人在吗?我是罗斯·盖勒的午饭。 请别吃掉我,好吗? 奇怪你居然没有把午饭顶在头上。 好吧,如果你真想看住你的食物,以我多年来 为了生计和形形色色的人打交道的 经验来看,你就得把人们吓退。 真的?那你会怎么写,菲比? 是不是“把你的脏手从我的食物上拿开!” 罗斯,当菲比说她为生活而打拼,你是不是就会 联想到《孤女安妮》(Disney TV)里的演员们? 写好了,这下我看谁还敢动你的食物! 哇喔,高! 菲比,你真流氓! 改天告诉你我扎伤警察的事。 菲比? 是对方先扎我!! 对不起我来迟了,但我下班太晚。 好的。 菲比,这书写什么的? 你不是说你高中就读过? 我曾经试图要读这本书,还给自己鼓了好多次劲, 不过,嗯,这书说什么的? 嗯,这是凯茜和希刺克里夫的爱情悲剧, 发生在英格兰一个毛骨悚然的地区。 我想这象征着希刺克里夫性格中野性 不羁的一面。这就叫“象征主义”。 你如何归纳这本书的主题? 我们请谁回答呢,瑞秋·格林? 嗯,我得说,这是一个爱情悲剧。 那好象不言自明,还有谁知道? 哦,象征主义! 还有,嗯,蛮荒的环境,我想是反映 希刺克里夫性格中野性不羁的一面。 回答得很好!聪明的瑞秋已经发现 你剽窃我的答案! 宝贝,这书的主题不是明摆着吗。 但你怎么会知道?你压根没读过它! 你怎么看,蓝衣服的姑娘? 我认为,嗯,这是个见人见智的问题。 那你能谈谈你的想法吗? 那你能谈谈你的想法吗? 你是在鹦鹉学舌对吧? 你是在鹦鹉学舌对吧? 算了,继续上课。 好的。 你为什么不干脆承认你没读过呢? 因为,因为我不想他觉得我蠢! 不过你刚才也够糗的! - 菲比! - 什么? 菲比! 你的字条,效果神奇! 同事们不但不敢动我的三明治, 而且都开始怕我。 有个家伙叫我神经病,神经病盖勒,呵呵, 我一直都想有这么酷的外号。 是啊,高中时你最好的外号就是 “湿裤子盖勒”。 那只是因为喷泉! 大家帮我写报告,为适应我的时间表 而推迟截止日期。 告诉你们说,只要态度 强硬,要什么有什么! 嘿小崔,把咖啡给我!马上! 太有趣了! 我正猜想你会不会再约我呢。 那你现在还在猜吗? 没有了,刚才我们不是约会了吗。 你很机灵,我喜欢。 哦,蜡烛! 那是什么?毯子?摄像头?天哪! 哦,别!别!留步!别走! 难以置信,你居然想在我们第 一次约会就拍下做爱的场面! 你好。 乔伊,她刚才说的当真? 哦天呵,你还真做得出 这里发生什么事了? 而且钱德就在隔壁,你怎么了,有病? 我是乔伊嘛, 我是说,我就是恶心。 我拍摄低成本成人电影。 你们俩发誓要注意影响的! 好人乔伊被你们搞得斯文扫地啦! - 我们很抱歉- 是的。 我要全都说出去! 这样才能解释清楚内裤和摄像机的事, 这样我才不像一头猪。 别,等一下!我有更好的解释。 你可以跟他们讲, 你得拍一部成人电影, 拿去上成人电影课。 嗯,这主意好。 不过,瑞秋在你们家发现 我的内裤又怎么解释? 哦?我不知道。 公开你们的恋爱关系吧! 请再等等。我们总会有办法的, 再给我们一点时间。 好吧,你们想出来的办法最好 让我看起来非常,非常伟大。 哦,还有, 摄象机?高招!! 嗯,罗斯,跟你谈谈可以吗? 当然可以,唐纳德。 有人告状说你最近 有一些愤怒的行为 什么?! 写恐吓信,拒绝遵守截止期限, 大家开始叫你神经病。 是的 希望你能跟心理医生谈一谈。 哦不,你不明白,这好象有点傻气, 这都只是因为我的三明治。 三明治? 是啊,我的妹妹做了一些 很好吃的火鸡三明治。 她的秘方是,她在其中 多夹了一层肉汁浸过的面包。 我把它称作“湿滑口感专家”, 总之我放了一块三明治到这个冰箱里。 哦,你知道吗? 对不起,我,是我吃了它。 你吃我的三明治? 只是拿错了而已, 任何人都可以犯错。 哦是吗?你吃你自己的火鸡三明治 居然吃掉我的“湿滑口感专家”? 不是这样的。 你有没有碰巧看见上面贴着一张字条? 我以为有人开玩笑 写打油诗什么的在上面呢 上面写清楚了那是我的三明治? 冷静,到我办公室来,你也许在 垃圾筒里还能找到你的三明治 什么? 它个头太大,我不得不扔掉了很多。 你把我的三明治扔掉? 我的三明治?!!! 我的三明治!!!!!! - 嗨! - 嗨! 那,今天这本书讲什么的? 你又不看? - 本来想看的,后来看别的去了 - 看什么? 《时尚》杂志! 嘿,跟我讲讲这个叫简爱的女人 不讲!你应该自己读! 好菲比,装什么乖宝宝 好吧 简爱,听名字你以为她是个女人; 其实她是电子人。 电子人?! 那岂不是有点像机器人? 对,这本书领先时代几光年。 对不起我来迟了。开始上课, 各位怎样评价简爱? 嗯,瑞秋刚才正和我讨论, 她的见解相当有趣。 说说看,瑞秋。 嗯,谢谢菲比。《简爱》这本书最 吸引我的地方是它领先于时代。 如果你指的是女权意识, 我同意。 不错,女权意识, 但还有机器人也很领先。 嘿 嘿,因为摄像的事没成功, 所以我给你带了点预览照片。 你的全裸照! 我知道。 罗斯? 嘿钱德,莫妮卡! 罗斯,你没事吧? 我很好!我今天去看心理医生了。 为什么?! 治疗我的愤怒。 如今你情绪有点失控? 他让我吃了药。 吃药? 嗯,医生说我对老板吼叫 所以必须停职查看一段时间, 我又大为光火, 所以他给我一片镇静剂。 我认为这主意不错所以吃了。 等一下,他们让你停职? 而你居然接受? 不知道。也许一段时间不上班有点奇怪, 不过我已经不再在意我的三明治了。 羞死人了!想不到你一直听任我出丑! 我很抱歉。 当你拿简爱和机械战警作比较, 实在太有趣了。 这不好笑! 好吧我是故意捉弄你! 谁让你上课不认真呢。 菲比得了吧!这又不是什么大件事! 我只是想和你做同一件事, 我本以为会很有意思的! 好,有意思是没错, 但我还想学点东西。 大家总是谈论高中生活, 而我从没上过高中。 哦,原来你真想学东西, 好吧,菲比,但我只想找点乐子。 哦,你知道应该带谁去上课吗? 我知道! 莫妮卡,你来问问题好了。 哦天啊!是莫妮卡!! 不!!!!!!!!!!! 滚远点!变态——狂! 什么事? 乔伊偷窥! 哦没有! 他有!他有一张莫妮卡的裸照! 他还给大家都拍裸照! 然后他一边吃鸡一边欣赏! - 看! - 别这样!她是我妹妹! 给我! 够了!大家冷静一下好吗? 给我们的朋友乔伊机会解释 他为什么是如此一个变态佬! 不! 我不是变态佬!我只是 好,我想我能解释这事 谢谢你! 乔伊是个性瘾患者 什么?!!我不是!! 这没什么! 这很好! 这很好. 只是一种疾病! 不! 不! 我不是什么性瘾患者! 你是的! 所以你才花样百出! 不是这样!真相其实是—— - 那你说真相是什么? - 对啊,发生了什么事? 我和莫妮卡睡过了。 大家怎么看? 哦,不! 你竟和我妹妹上床? 对,不过只有一次,在伦敦。 这对控制我的愤怒可没好处 莫妮卡,是真事吗? 当然是真的!不然你怎么 解释这么多怪事? 是真的。 好吧,如果只是一夜情,那天你的内裤 怎么跑到我们公寓来了? 啊?那是我在伦敦当夜穿的内裤。 对吧,莫妮卡? 我大概是想珍藏 作为纪念物。 天哪莫妮卡!! 你确定吗,乔,你确定 你不是性瘾患者? 我不是!如果这里有人是的话, 那一定是莫妮卡,错不了。 伦敦归来后她一直 企图引诱我再度失身! 所以她才给你裸照。 就是这样! 那摄影机呢? 嗯,莫妮卡? 是我想用摄影机引诱乔伊。 可惜我坚贞不屈 难以置信!你真的留着乔伊的内裤? 你为什么这样做? 因为我是莫妮卡 我就是恶心。 我勾搭男人,还保留他们的内裤。 谁恶心谁不恶心,我想现在 一清二楚了吧,大家? 好,现在我又可以吃鸡了。 我只吃鸡皮,鸡肉你们随便拿! 我认为你讲得很好,直到你被打断。 那个莫妮卡有什么毛病啊? 不知道!我不跟她一起的! 大家猜猜看怎么着!我已经说服 保罗下周给我们来一次考试! 考试?!! 别怕!考试会让我们学得更好! 对了!应该考考散文方面的题目!!

The One With Ross's Sandwich

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the entire gang is there, eating breakfast. Phoebe is on the couch, fidgeting.]

Phoebe: What am I sitting on?

Chandler: Top of the world? Dock of the bay? (He tries to think of another but can't) I'm out.

Phoebe: (taking something out of the couch) Ew-eww!! Undies!

(She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel picks them up with the handle of a large spoon. Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on their faces.)

Rachel: All right! Who's are they? Who's are they?

Ross: Well, they're not mine!

Chandler: Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's!

(Rachel turns and stares at him.)

Joey: Yeah, they're mine.

Chandler: See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's!

Ross: Why are they here?

Joey: I don't know uhh… (Pause as he thinks about it.) Well, I'm Joey. Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes.

Rachel: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong with you?

Chandler: Yeah!

Monica: Yeah!

Rachel: (waving them in his face) Take 'em! (Joey makes a noise and jumps out of the way.) Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear.

Joey: (reluctantly taking them) Chandler? A word.

(Follows Joey into their apartment and shrugs on his way out.)

[Cut to the guy's apartment.]

Joey: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two! This has got to stop! (Realizes he still has the underwear in his hand.) Ahh! (Throws them towards Chandler's room.) And tighty-whiteys! What are you, 8?

Monica: (entering) Thank you Joey, thank you so much!

Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing me! (To Monica) Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a play. And one thing led to another and (He puts his leg on the chair and pulls up his pants leg to reveal that he now has shaved legs.)

Monica: (inspecting his leg) Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a tough spot.

Joey: Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't…

Chandler: (interrupting him) All this lying has been hard on us too.

Joey: Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier!

Chandler: Well, yeah actually.

Monica: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's just that, we don't want everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason it's going really well is because it's a secret.

Chandler: I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships.

Monica: We are! Help us!

Chandler: Help!

Joey: All right! But, (To Monica) you do it with me once.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Didn't think so.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her nose stuck in a book.]

Monica: Hey, Phoebe!

Chandler: Hi, Pheebs!

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs!

Joey: Hey, Pheebs!

Rachel: What are you reading?

Phoebe: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a literature class at the New School and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow.

Chandler: I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool.

Phoebe: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.

Rachel: Honey that sounds like fun.

Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, you should come with me! Oh yeah, then I'd have someone to sit with!

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay—ooh, but are you going to have time to read it?

Rachel: Oh, I read that in high school.

Phoebe: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-shhh, I have to finish.

Ross: (entering, depressed) Hi.

Joey: What's wrong buddy?

Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!

Chandler: Well, what did the police say?

Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. I can't believe someone ate it!

Chandler: Ross, it's just a sandwich!

Ross: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old, I'm about to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life!

Monica: Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for one more sandwich, I mean I was going to eat it myself, but (motions that he can have it.)

Ross: (quietly) That-that would be incredible. Thank you so much. I-I still can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and everything.

(Shows the note to Chandler who reads it aloud.)

Chandler: (reading) Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay?

Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch.

Phoebe: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people off. I learned that living on the street.

Ross: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?"

Chandler: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?

Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. (Writes him a note and the gang reads it.)

All: Whoa! Ohh!!

Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad ass!

Phoebe: Someday I'll, tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Well, he stabbed me first!!

[Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already started and Rachel walks in late.]

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Sorry I'm late, but I left late.

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: So Pheebs, what is the book about?

Phoebe: I thought you said you read it in high school.

Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anyway—umm, what is this book about?

Phoebe: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff and umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in England. Which I think represents the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism.

The Teacher: How would you characterize the theme of this book, uh let's see here (looks at his attendance sheet), Rachel Green?

Rachel: Umm, well I would have to say that it's a, it's tragic love story.

The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else?

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the mores, which I think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character.

The Teacher: Excellent! What Rachel has shrewdly observed here…

Phoebe: (To Rachel) You completely stole my answer!

Rachel: Well, honey that was pretty obvious.

Phoebe: Well how would you know?! You didn't even read it!

The Teacher: What do you think? You in the blue shirt.

Phoebe: I think that uh, yours is a question with many answers.

The Teacher: Would ya care to venture one?

Phoebe: Would you care to venture one?

The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?

Phoebe: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?

The Teacher: All right, let's move on.

Phoebe: Okay then.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel return from the class.]

Phoebe: Yeah but why didn't you just say that you didn't read the book?!

Rachel: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you!

Ross: (entering) Phoebe!

Phoebe: Yeah?

Ross: Phoebe! You're note, amazing! Not only did no one touch my sandwich, but people at work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy called me mental! Mental Geller, yeah, I always wanted a cool nickname like that.

Monica: Yeah, the best you got in high school was Wet Pants Geller.

Ross: That was the water fountain! Okay?! Anyway, people are writing reports for me, uh pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm telling you, you get tough with people you can get anything you want. (Joey walks by with a cup of coffee.) Hey Tribbiani, give me that coffee! Now!

(Joey casually pushes Ross over the back of the couch and sits down proud of himself.)

[Scene: The hallway, Joey is returning from a date with Cynthia.]

Cynthia: God, this was really fun! I've been wondering if you were going to ask me out.

Joey: So you uh, still wondering?

Cynthia: No, we just went out.

Joey: You're smart. I like that.

(He goes to open the door to his apartment, but finds it locked. As he's getting out his keys, Chandler and Monica quickly jump up from making out in the living room and run to Chandler's bedroom. The apartment has about 20 candles burning all over the place. Joey opens the door and ushers Cynthia in.)

Cynthia: Oh, candles! (Notices something.) What is that? A blanket? A video camera? Oh my God! (As she storms out, Rachel returns and overhears the conversation.)

Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!!

Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having sex on the first date! (She storms away and Rachel enters to confront Joey.)

Joey: Hiya.

Rachel: Joey, is what she just said umm—Oh my God. (Looks around the room.) You were actually gonna… (Chandler picks this moment to return to the living room.) (Rachel stares in shock.)

Chandler: What is going on here?

Rachel: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick?

(Chandler silently pleads with Joey to cover for them.)

Joey: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. (Points at Chandler, angrily.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; continued from earlier. Joey is closing the door after Rachel leaves and is about to confront Chandler and Monica.]

Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good Joey name is being dragged through the mud here!

Monica: We're so sorry.

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Well, I'm telling everyone about you! That's the only way to explain the underwear and the video camera that doesn't make me look like a pig!

Chandler: No-no, wait! There's got to be a better explanation. You can tell them you had to make an adult film for your (Thinks) adult film class.

Joey: Yeah, I like that. But no-no, how does that explain why Rachel found my underwear at your place?

Chandler: Oh—I don't know.

Joey: Well, get ready to come out of the non-gay closet!

Monica: Okay, just wait, please. I promise we'll come up with something. Just give us a little more time.

Joey: All right. Hey, but it better make me look really, really good. (Starts for his room.) Oh, and another thing, the video camera? Nice!!

[Scene: The Museum of Prehistoric History (Ross's work); Ross is in the break room eating lunch as his boss, Dr. Leedbetter walks in.]

Dr. Leedbetter: Umm, Ross. May I have a word with you?

Ross: Yeah, of course, Donald.

Dr. Leedbetter: We've been getting reports of some very angry behavior on your part.

Ross: What?!

Dr. Leedbetter: Threatening letters, refusal to meet deadlines, apparently people now call you mental.

Ross: (Proudly) Yeah.

Dr. Leedbetter: We want you to speak to a psychiatrist.

Ross: Oh no, you-you don't understand. Ugh, this is so silly. Umm, this is all because of a sandwich.

Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) A sandwich?

Ross: Yeah. You see my-my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches. Her secret is, she puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked bread in the middle; I call it the Moist Maker. Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here…

Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) Oh, you know what?

Ross: What?

Dr. Leedbetter: I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate that.

Ross: You ate my sandwich?

Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.

Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moist Maker?

Dr. Leedbetter: No.

Ross: Do you perhaps seeing a note on top of it?

Dr. Leedbetter: There may have been a-a joke or a limerick of some kind.

Ross: (getting angry) That said it was my sandwich?!

Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash.

Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What?

Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away.

Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away!

[Cut to an outside shot of the museum.]

Ross: (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!!

[Cut to a shot of a park.]

Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons away.)

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's class; Rachel walks in, on time this time.]

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel: (sitting down) So umm, what's this book about?

Phoebe: You didn't read this one either?!

Rachel: Well, I was gonna, but I accidentally read something else.

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: Vogue! Hey, so tell me about this Jane Eyre woman.

Phoebe: No! You should've read it yourself!

Rachel: Come on Phoebe! Don’t be such a goodie-goodie!

Phoebe: Fine! Okay, all right, so Jane Eyre, first of all, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not. She's a cyborg.

Rachel: A cyborg?! Isn't that like a robot?!

Phoebe: Yeah, this book was light years ahead of its time.

The Teacher: (entering) Sorry I'm late. Let's get started. So, what did everybody think about Jane Eyre?

Phoebe: Umm, Rachel and I were just discussing it and she had some very interesting insights.

The Teacher: Well, go ahead Rachel.

Rachel: Uh, thank you Phoebe. Umm, well, what struck me most when reading Jane Eyre was uh, how the book was so ahead of its time.

The Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right.

Rachel: Yeah, well, feminism yes, but also the robots.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch as Monica joins him.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey. Okay, so umm, since that video camera thing didn't work out uh, I thought that I would give you just a little preview. (Hands him a Polaroid.)

Chandler: (gasps) You're naked in this picture!

Monica: I know.

(Ross walks in, eating cotton candy. Monica nudges Chandler who hides the picture in his magazine. Ross sits down on the chair, he seems kinda out of it.)

Chandler: Ross?

Ross: (in a stupor) Hey Chandler. (Sees Monica.) Monica!

Monica: Ross, are you okay?

Ross: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.

Monica: Why?!

Ross: On account of my rage.

Chandler: Which I may say, right now, is out of control.

Ross: He gave me a pill for it.

Monica: A pill?

Ross: Uh-huh. Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss I started to get worked up again, so he offered me a tranquilizer. And I thought was a good idea so, I took it.

Monica: Wait a minute, they're making you take time off work?

Chandler: And you're okay with that?

Ross: I don't know. It's going to be weird not having a job for a while, but I, I definitely don't care about my sandwich.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are returning from class.]

Rachel: (entering, angrily) Ugh, that was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that!

Phoebe: (smiling) I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing Jane Eyre to Robocop.

Rachel: That was not funny!

Phoebe: Well, I snapped! Okay? You weren't taking the class seriously.

Rachel: Phoebe, come on! What is the big deal? I thought this was going to be something we could do together! Y'know, I thought it would be fun!

Phoebe: Well, yeah! Fun is good, but y'know I also wanted to learn. Y'know, people are always talking about what they learned in high school and I never went to high school.

Rachel: Ohh. Oh, so you really wanted to learn. Yeah, y'know, Pheebs I just wanted to have fun. Ohh, you know who you should go with?

[Scene: The Class; Monica has taken Rachel's spot.]

Monica: (yelling and waving her hand in the air) I know! I know! I know!

The Teacher: Monica, you asked the question.

(She sits back defeated, and Phoebe groans with disgust.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; Joey returns carrying a bucket of chicken, and starts going through the mail. While doing this, Monica's picture falls out. He bends over to pick it up and gasps. While he's staring at the picture, Rachel decides to come over and sees him looking at the picture.]

Rachel: (sees the picture) Oh my God! That's Monica!!

Joey: Oh no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no!

Rachel: You get away from me!! You sick, sick, sick, sick-o!!

Ross: (entering, with the rest of the gang) What's going on?

Rachel: Joey has got a secret peephole!

Chandler: (Sees the picture) Oh no! No! No! No! (Monica gasps as well.)

Rachel: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats chicken and looks at them!

(Ross stares in shock at him as he angrily puts down the chicken and takes off his coat.)

Rachel: Look! (Shows Ross the picture.)

Ross: (covering his eyes) Dude! That's my sister! (She shows the rest of the gang.)

Monica: (grabbing the picture) Give me that!

Phoebe: All right, wait! Just wait. Everybody just calm down. Okay? Let's give our friend Joey a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert!

Joey: No! I am not a pervert! Okay? It's just… I just… Kinda…

Chandler: All right, look! Look. I think I can explain this.

(He walks over and stands behind Joey.)

Joey: Thank you!

Chandler: Joey's a sex addict.

Joey: What?!! (He turns around and stares at Chandler who's silently pleading with Joey to go along with it.) No I'm not!!

Monica: It's okay! It's good! It's good. It's a disease!

Joey: No! No! I am not a sex addict!

Monica: Yes you are! That's the only way to explain all this stuff!

Joey: No it isn't! No, it's not. Because you can also explain it with the truth!

Rachel: Well, what is the truth?

Ross: Yeah, what's going on?

Phoebe: What's going on?

Joey: (thinking) I slept with Monica.

Chandler: Well let's….let's see what everybody thinks of that?

Monica: Oh no!

Ross: You slept with my sister?

Joey: Uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh, in London.

Ross: This is not good for my rage. (Takes another pill.)

Rachel: Monica, is this true?

Joey: Of course it's true! How else would you explain all the weird stuff that's been going on?

Monica: Yes it's true.

Rachel: Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day?

Joey: Ahh—oy! That was the underwear I was wearing that night in London. Right Monica?

Monica: I guess I wanted to keep it (Pause) as a souvenir.

Ross: My God Monica!!

Chandler: Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict?

Joey: No! If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica! Yeah. Yeah. She has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London!

Phoebe: So that's why she gave you a naked picture of herself.

Joey: That makes sense!

Rachel: And the video camera?

Joey: Uhh, Monica?

Monica: I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey.

Joey: But sadly I could not be enticed.

Ross: Unbelievable! I mean you really kept Joey's underwear?! Why? Why would you do that?!

Monica: I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants.

Joey: Well, I think we've all learned something about who's disgusting and who's not. Eh? All right, now, I'm going to get back to my bucket. I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs. (Offers it to everyone.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's class; the class has ended and Phoebe is talking to one of her classmates.]

Phoebe: I really thought you making a good point. I mean y'know, until you got cut off.

A Female Student: Yeah, what's up with that girl Monica?

Phoebe: I don't know! I didn't come with her!

Monica: (entering, happily) All right everybody! Everybody guess what? I just convinced Paul to give us a test next week!

All: A test?!!

Monica: Come on! Tests make us all better learners! Oh yeah! (Running out) We should have essay questions!!

End

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