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老友记第五季The One With The Inappropriate Sister

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干什么呢?我整理了冰箱最下面放肉类和奶品中间一层放水果和蔬菜最上面放快到期的食品你干吗要这样做?因为我闲得发慌我去过了银行、邮局还有干洗店伙计,你一口气干了7天的活干活得细水长流式,一天干一点,你没失过业吧我可不是失业!只是放大假别太较真嘛既然是放假,你可以放轻松一点我们来坐舒服的椅子,坐下准备好了?看恩?-那有怎样,干坐着?-噢,不不,还有节目噤声先-你好,我是钱德宾-你好,宾先生我爱你!够了,我不管你是谁不许再打电话来!闹半年了!这样不好玩!但我爱你!放了我吧!看在上帝份上,放过我吧这是周三的节目了嘿,各位!猜猜怎么着英国人要来?你少来你那套圣诞节了,我要参加募集捐赠品的活动发了只铃铛,之后会发一个募捐箱我要散播欢乐散播爱去年我也这样做,但我做得不够今年我要把爱洒满人间我有个高中同学就那么做,她人见人爱菲比,你要在哪里摇铃?在梅西旁边,一个很棒的地方他们本来从不把好地方给新手的但我是唯一一个能用25国语言唱“圣诞快乐”歌的我骗他们的!我的天,丹尼来了看看他看到吧?他还装他过来了,我们假装不认得他嘿,大家好噢,丹尼!你知道瑞秋,她人很好她长得不错,对吧?谢谢,莫妮没错你想跟她约会吗?莫妮!好啊。星期五可以吗星期五好,她快等不及了约会时,我能直接跟她说话吗?星期五见搞什么飞机。别解释我跟丹尼要约会了!这个角色怎么可能不让我演?片子是讲一个皇后区来的29岁的意大利演员啊!哎,Telia Shire突然又排出时间了她是女的!我有啥办法,她坚持要演还有剩别的角色吗?你肯定又不会答应的同志情色电影节日快乐!Feliz Navidad.(墨西哥语:圣诞快乐)还有,圣诞快乐谢谢你,先生给你快乐-怎么样-还可以我帮你忙吧噢,谢谢新的小山羊皮外套?很贵吧是的刚刚修指甲去了?是的,菲比我就这么多了谢谢。节日快乐给你快乐谢谢!节日快乐等等钱不能要回去了我是跟你换零钱,来坐公车一块钱你也舍不得?钱是捐给穷人的我就是穷人,还要挤公车!好吧,节日快乐,不过少罗嗦,金发女哼,我得给他点颜色看看这个角色简直是为我定做!我居然没份替你难过,伙计你应该为自己创造机会例如写个剧本写部电影,像《心灵捕手》那样的如何现实点吧,就算我写出来了找谁来演?我自己可以演啊随便啦我写不来,我只是个演员没受过写作训练我做不来的我帮你我排个计划表并且督促你坚持我也好有事可干你会帮我?谢谢好,我们慢慢来。今晚你要想的是主角的名字-想好了-不能是“乔伊”-不是-也不能是“约瑟夫”哦怎么了?我刚在地铁看到丹尼和一个女孩一起他揽着她的腰亲爱的,这真叫人不好过都是你的错你把我们的事搞砸了你们根本就没有关系!但我正按照计划、尽一切努力还计什么划!看到他跟女孩一起又怎样管他那么多!你去跟丹尼约会,迷死他让他把地铁里那个蠢女人忘到九霄云外她看来是挺蠢的你说得对,我要去约会我要去约会,计划B快跑!“疑心重”怎么拼?为什么问我认为这个角色应该怀疑一切钱德宾1号,7分!钱德宾2号,0分!你闹死我了那我不玩了不用停,把碗放远点,罗斯可以弹很远你真笨不过你至少在玩男人的游戏了想玩吗?我没时间,罗斯很快就回来了,我不写完5页就赶不上他的计划那先玩30分钟,然后写到他回来好!不过我建议,提高难度我赞成我们需要打火机油小心点,我还想要回安全保证金呢是吗?我还以为锤镖游戏让保证金早打水漂了呢-还记得哪块墙面没填上吗?-这里谢谢!节日快乐垃圾!姑娘你不能拦住她!居然捐垃圾!慈善事业着火了!救火啊!好,谢谢,我正找水呢杯子里是什么?才早上9点!好,一个房间有人进来,他看来很可疑就完了?你本该写5页的还要包含一次戏剧高潮!这是什么?燃烧弹的使用手册吗?那是我们要玩的游戏够了,一个网球、一个碗和一个打火机这对你的事业有帮助吗?你是要当个演员而不是玩违法的游戏你说得对,我接着写你真浑!你最清楚乔伊得工作快去写!-嘿!-不许玩!啊——写完5页才许玩-我也是我真的很高兴莫妮替我们安排约会我想请你进来的但我妹妹来了她在沙发上睡呢你妹妹?你妹妹睡沙发?我在地铁看见你和她一起现在她就睡在沙发上-我听见你回来了-嘿,你起来啦瑞秋,我妹妹KristaKrista,这是瑞秋见到你真好没听说你要来,我还没梳洗呢-梳洗打扮了就会好看点吗?-你真坏!-你才坏!-你才坏!-你坏!-你坏!你死定了,我跟你没完见到你真好没有人!没人尊重我的募捐箱这些烂人什么都往里扔!-这看来像个垃圾桶吗?-不像-像个烟灰缸吗?-不像-像尿壶吗?-呃-你还回去接着干吗?-当然!不过我再也不会收废品了谁也别想再拿我当软柿子捏!说得好,你本来就很强,街头女霸王给他们点厉害瞧瞧!不过我也不会完全像以前那么厉害啦那时的我是不可能跟你们交朋友的能请教一下吗?我没有兄弟,所以我不懂你们摔跤吗?-摔的-经常摔,我是常胜将军你以前体重200磅胖虽胖点,我动作敏捷我昨天看到了丹尼的妹妹-就是我在地铁看到的女孩-讲笑?他们就追逐,嬉戏,是正常的吧?我们现在不打架了自从我强过你,你就不打了你很壮吗?来单挑!现在我就可以把你摔得鼻青脸肿,老伙计。敢吗?谁怕谁准备好了?开始!好非常谢谢,我明白了走!去看20分钟球乔伊不会去的我还没写完5页明天再写吧明天他要再重写昨天的昨天写的没达到我的最高水平让他放松放松不好吗?劳逸结合,他可以发挥得更好他已经够放松了,都拜您所赐还有火球的功劳你认为玩火球可以放松?你是没玩过吧你约束乔伊,无非是因为你闲极无聊你失业又不是他的错我没失业!我放假!你们别吵了我这样做是因为我是乔伊的朋友如果你也想他好,你也会这样做当朋友就得不叫人家好过?假如是这个逻辑的话你可真是最好的朋友了火球游戏决胜负如何?-我会解除烟雾探测器-我们来个了断!哈哈!谁也别想去玩!-票是我花钱买的!-不是,你总说是买的,但你从没花过这钱是的我们终于爬到了山顶而这个笨蛋,居然忘了带相机!我也犯过这样的傻什么时候?记得吗,我们慢跑时看到一只漂亮的鸟我想拍照但我没带相机我们追着鸟跑,那可不叫慢跑了好吃,你尝尝-见鬼,掉在裤子上了-我来上楼脱掉裤子,否则污渍洗不掉-我本打算今晚穿的,-太好了再见天啊!-难以置信!-看到了?我就说嘛抱歉,瑞秋,我不相信他们是兄妹他们是兄妹吗?!等等。张开手让我看看角币、绷带不要绷带这是什么?加拿大币?走远点!饮品不许靠近募捐箱!杯子放那里,再过来捐钱把你的鬼脸也给我收起来嗨,波波我警告过你走远点了菲比,我们一直收到投诉我们要把你调到不那么热门的地段-小姜站这里-他凭什么占我的位置!你是自己走还是我们把你搬开?走就走给你提个醒儿留心那老贱人-瑞秋,我们不是约了七点?-算了什么?为什么?你和你妹妹看来关系很特别又说我们关系特别为什么女人总在意我跟我妹妹的关系?-我也不懂-你有兄弟吗?没有,我有两个妹妹。有一个挺男性化你们亲密吗?不,她们不太好相处我喜欢你,我们会有将来的别让我同家人的亲密成了我们的障碍是吗,我总觉得别扭丹尼,快,洗澡水好凉了!怎么了?再见街上有小孩在玩你怎么不去叫他们做正事叫他们玩不高兴呢?如果他们在玩球,你可以去教他们把剃刀刺进球里,再玩缝球游戏。嘿,各位!我一早上在图书馆写完了5页现在我们能看球了!已经是昨天的事了!不了,罗斯把票撕了我想你集中精力-专注时写起来快得多,对吧?-没人整天在身边嗡嗡嗡也好得多!重要的是,我已经写完了我觉得写得非常好我想听听看,你们读给我听好吗?-好-好这是纽约一个典型的公寓两个人住在里面嘿,伙计什么事?昨天是我错了,很抱歉不,是我错,我反应过激我们都有不对的地方,但我们都是在关心好朋友我们都是在关心好朋友我错得真不应该我才应该道歉好乔伊,我知错了对不起我也很抱歉继续读,好戏还在后头抱歉,钱德抱歉,罗斯一个帅哥走进来我不知道你们在聊什么但我要感谢你们俩你,你总给我打气,不让我放弃还有你你我共同创造了火球完这花了你一整天?不,这只用了五分钟其余时间都花来造新的终极火球这是典型的纽约公寓两个女骇在一起-嗨,你好吗,Kelly-我很好Tiffany, 你好香新买的香水你干吗不靠近点闻个仔细呢?-乔伊,你真变态-恶心我不读了等等……那帅哥就要进来了

The One With The Inappropriate Sister

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Ross is cleaning out the fridge. Joey walks from his room. He looks like he just woke up.]

Joey: What are you doing?

Ross: I...reorganized the fridge. See, bottom shelf: meats and dairy. (There’s nothing on the shelf.) Middle shelf: fruits and vegetables. (There’s one lone tomato.) And top shelf: expired products. (The shelf is jammed packed.)

Joey: Why are you doing this?

Ross: Because I am bored...Out of my mind. I’ve already been to the bank, post office, and the dry cleaners.

Joey: Dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff. You’ve got to spread it out a little, you know. Haven’t you ever been unemployed?

Ross: Hey, I am not unemployed. I’m on sabbatical!

Joey: Hey, don’t get religious on me, ok. (Ross looks a little confused.) A guy in your position needs to be a little better at relaxing. You know. Why do you think we have the comfortable chairs? Huh...come here…sit down. (Ross sits down.) Ready? (Joey flips the foot rest up.) Ahh!! (He reclines the chair fully.) Ohh, yeah!! Huh?!

Ross: So what, we just sit?

Joey: Ohh, no, no. We’re not going to just sit. (Joey sits down and hits the speed dial button on the phone.) Shhh. (It begins to ring.)

Chandler: (Answering the phone at work) Hello, Chandler Bing.

Joey: (In a high pitched female voice) Hello Mr. Bing...I love you.

Chandler: (Angrily) Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! (Ross and Joey laugh silently.) It’s been six months! It’s not funny!

Joey: But, I love you.

Chandler: Leave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone!!! (Joey hangs up.)

Joey: And that’s Wednesday. (He reclines in his chair.) Ohh.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are there. Phoebe walks in ringing a bell.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys, guess what?

Chandler: The British are coming?

Phoebe: Ohh, you and your ways. (She shakes the bell at him and sits down.) Since it’s Christmastime. I’m going to be one of those people collection donations.

All: Ohh.

Phoebe: (Excitedly) Yeah, I already have my bell and later on...I get my bucket.

Chandler: Ohh.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I’m going to be out there spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So this year, I’m going to do the whole city.

Monica: You know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular. (Chandler laughs.)

Joey: So Pheebs, where are you doing all, your bell ringing?

Phoebe: Ohh, they gave me a great spot. Right by Macys. Yeah, they hardly ever give such a good spot to a rookie, but I’m the only one who can sing "Merry Christmas" in 25 languages. (She smirks.) I lied.

Rachel: Oh my god. Ok you guys, there’s Danny. Watch. Just watch this. (He walks past the couch to the counter.) See?! Still pretending he’s not interested. Ohh, he’s coming over. Just pretend like we don’t know him. We’ve forgotten who he is.

Danny: Hey guys.

All: Hey Danny.

Monica: Danny? You know Rachel? She’s nice. She’s not bad to look at, right?

Rachel: Thanks, Mon.

Danny: Well, of course.

Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with her?

Rachel: Monica!!!

Danny: (Looking at Monica) Absolutely! Is Friday okay?

Monica: Friday’s perfect...She can’t wait.

Danny: (To Monica) On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly? (To Rachel) See ya Friday. (He walks out.)

Rachel: (Somewhat angrily) Okay. What the hell was that? You know what? Don’t answer me. (Giggling) I have a date with Danny.

[Scene: Estelle's (Joey's Agent) Office, Joey is there.]

Joey: How could I not get the part? The play was about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens.

Estelle: Well, Telia Shire suddenly became available.

Joey: She’s a woman!

Estelle: What can I say? She nailed it.

Joey: (Very discouraged) Okay, is there anything else?

Estelle: Well, you’re just going to say no again but...gay porn.

[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is collecting donations and ringing her bell.]

Phoebe: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo, and Merry Christmas. (A man put some change in her bucket.) Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy. (She waves her hand up and down as if she is spreading joy.)

Monica: (Walking in from off screen.) Phoebe!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: I just wanted to see how it's going.

Phoebe: Well, it's going okay.

Monica: (Taking out her wallet.) Well good, here let me help you out.

Phoebe: Oh, thanks!

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: Wow!

(Monica puts some change in Phoebe's bucket.)

Phoebe: Is that a new Swede jacket? It looks really expensive.

Monica: Yeah. I guess. (She puts more money in the bucket.)

Phoebe: Just get your nails done?

Monica: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay? (She pours out the rest of her change purse into the bucket.)

Phoebe: Okay! Thanks! Happy Holidays, here's your joy. (She waves her arm and spreads her joy.)

(A man walks up and puts a dollar bill in.)

Phoebe: Thank you! And Happy Holidays.

(The man starts to take some change out.)

Phoebe: Wait, you can't take the money out.

The Man: I'm making change. I need change for the bus.

Phoebe: But, can't you leave the dollar? This money is for the poor.

The Man: I'm poor! I gotta take the bus!

Phoebe: Okay, Seasons Greetings and everything, but still…

The Man: Bite me, blondie! (The man storms off.)

Phoebe: Oh, I'm going to give him something else besides joy, just… (She scowls at him.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is telling Ross how he didn't get the part.]

Joey: That part was perfect for me! I can't believe I didn't get it!

Ross: I'm sorry, man. Hey, y'know what you should do? You should make something happen for yourself. Y'know, like-like write a play. Write a movie! Huh? I mean, what about those Good Will Hunting guys?

Joey: Come on Ross be realistic, y'know? If I did write something, what are the chances I could get those guys to star in it?

(Ross just stares at him until he figures it out.)

Joey: Wait a second, I could star in it!

Ross: Or that.

Joey: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an actor, I don't have the discipline that takes, y'know? I can't do it.

Ross: I'll help you. Yeah, I'll make up a schedule and make sure you stick to it. And plus, it'll give me something to do.

Joey: Really? You'd-you'd do that for me?!

Ross: Yeah!

Joey: Thanks!

Ross: (grabbing a notepad and sitting down) All right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character.

Joey: Done!

Ross: And it can't be Joey.

Joey: It's not.

Ross: Or Joseph.

Joey: (disappointed) Oh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning. Monica enters from her room wearing nothing but a robe.]

Monica: Hey, what's up?

Rachel: I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her.

Monica: Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Rachel: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship!!

Monica: You had no relationship!!

Rachel: No, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan!

Monica: Oh God, stop with the plan! So what, so what you saw him with a girl? Who cares?! That doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're going to go out on a date with Danny and you're going to be so charming he's gonna forget all about that stupid subway girl.

Rachel: She was kinda stupid. You're right. All right, I'm just gonna go on the date. I'm gonna go on the date. That is the new plan.

(Rachel goes into her room and closes the door. Which allows Monica to let Chandler out of her room.)

Monica: Come on, hurry!

(Chandler runs out the door and closes it behind him. After a short pause the door opens and Chandler comes rushing back through, grabs Monica, kisses her good-bye, and heads back out.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is trying to write his movie, Chandler is playing a game on the counter by trying to flip a ping pong ball with a spoon into a nearby bowl.]

Joey: Hey, how do you spell suspicious?

Chandler: Why?

Joey: Because I think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff.

(Chandler makes it into the bowl.)

Chandler: Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0.

Joey: You're driving me crazy with that!

Chandler: Okay, I'll stop.

Joey: Don’t stop! Move the bowl further away! Ross could make that shot!

(Chandler slides the bowl to the far end of the counter. He tries again, but he hits the spoon to hard and the ball goes flying away.)

Joey: Well, you suck! But at least you suck at a man's game now.

Chandler: You wanna play?

Joey: Chandler, I can't be playing games, Ross is gonna be home soon. And I have to write five whole pages if I'm gonna stick to his schedule.

Chandler: Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home.

Joey: (jumping up) All right! But uh, listen, what do you say we crank it up a notch?

Chandler: I'm intrigued.

Joey: All right, all we need is a little lighter fluid.

Chandler: Okay, but be careful okay, because I wanna get our security deposit back.

Joey: Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts.

Chandler: Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?

Joey: Uh yeah, right here. (He punches his fist through the wall next to the door.)

[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is still ringing her bell. A guy puts some change into the bucket.]

Phoebe: Thank you, Happy Holidays.

(Another woman walks up and throws something into the bucket.)

Phoebe: Now, that's trash. Young lady, you can't… (The lady ignores her and walks off.) Hey! Stop that young lady, she donated trash!

(Another guy walks by and throws his light cigarette butt in the bucket.)

Phoebe: Hey!! (The bucket starts smoking.) The charity's on fire! Help! (Yet another guy walks by carrying a cup, which Phoebe grabs.) Oh good! Thank you, I need that. (She throws onto the smoldering fire. Suddenly the bucket erupts in flames.) Whoa! What is that?! (She sniffs the cup.) (To the guy.) It's nine o'clock in the morning!

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is reading what Joey wrote.]

Ross: All right. (Reading.) A room. A man enters, he looks suspicious. (Stops reading a flips the page to find the next one is blank.) That's it? (Joey shrugs.) Joey, you're supposed to have five pages done by now! Including an exciting incident! (Flipping through the rest of the pad.) And what is, and what is all this?! (Reading.) The official rulebook of Fireball.

Joey: Yeah, that's the uh, game we were playing.

Chandler: (entering from his room carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing oven mitts) Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter fluid—Op! Op! (He puts out a small fire which has re-ignited in his room.)

Ross: This is helping your career?! Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor not the creator of crazy lawsuit game!

Joey: You're right, you're right, I'll get back to work.

Ross: (To Chandler) And shame on you! You should know better, Joey needs to work. (To Joey) Now come on!

Joey: Hey!

(He tries to fire a burnt tennis ball into the bowl Chandler is standing by, but Ross grabs the ball away from him.)

Ross: No! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! You can have this back when the five pages are done! (After Joey walks past, Ross throws the ball down in pain.) Ahh! (Chandler shows him the burn spots on his oven mitts.)

[Scene: Outside Danny's apartment, Danny and Rachel are returning from their date.]

Danny: I had a really nice time tonight.

Rachel: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out.

(He kisses her.)

Danny: I'd love to ask you in, but uh, my sister's visiting and I think she's asleep on the couch.

Rachel: You're sister? You're sister's asleep on the couch? (Danny nods, "Yes.") Ohhh! I saw her with you on the subway and now she's asleep on the couch!

Danny's Sister: (opening the door) Oh, I thought I heard you.

Danny: Oh hey, great, you're up. Rachel, this is my sister Krista. Krista, this is Rachel.

Rachel: Hi!

Krista: Nice to meet you. I wish you'd told me we were having company, I'd fix myself up!

Danny: Like it would help.

Krista: You are so bad! (Hits him softly.)

Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)

Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)

Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)

Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)

Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)

Krista: You are! (Hits him harder this time.)

Danny: You are so dead! I'm gonna get you.

(He starts chasing her around Rachel a couple of times before she runs into the living room and he tackles her on the couch where he starts tickling her.)

Rachel: (not sure what to do) Uh, it was very nice meeting you. (They continue to ignore her.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is complaining to Ross and Monica about the bucket.]

Phoebe: Nobody! Nobody respects the bucket! You wouldn't believe what people put in here! Look! (Hands it to Monica.) Okay, does this look like a garbage can to you?

Monica: No.

Phoebe: Does it look like an ashtray?

Monica: No.

Phoebe: Does it look like a urinal?

Monica: Eww!! (Throws the bucket down.)

Ross: So Pheebs, are you gonna go back out there or what?

Phoebe: Well, yeah! But I'm not gonna take anymore crap. Okay? No more Mrs. Nice Bucket!

Monica: Yeah, good for you. Y'know you're tough, you lived on the streets.

Phoebe: Yeah, I'm gonna go back to being Street Phoebe. Yeah! Oh but, y'know what? I can't go totally back because Street Phoebe really wouldn't be friends with you guys. Sorry. (Leaves.)

Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, umm, can I ask you guys something?

Monica and Ross: Sure.

Rachel: Uh, I don't have any brothers so I don't know, but uh, did you guys wrestle?

Ross: Oh-oh, yeah.

Monica: All the time. In fact, I was undefeated.

Ross: Uh, you weighted 200 pounds.

Monica: Still, I was quick as a cat.

Rachel: Well, I met Danny's sister yesterday, and uh that was actually the girl on the subway.

Monica: Oh, you're kidding.

Rachel: Yeah, they were very y'know…wrestley. But, I guess that's normal?

Monica: (laughing with Ross) We don't, we don't wrestle now.

Ross: Yeah, not since I got too strong for you.

Monica: Too strong for me?

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: You wanna go right now? 'Cause I'll take you right now, buddy! You wanna go?

Ross: Oh fine.

Monica: Ready? (They grab a hold of each other's necks.) Wrestle! (They start wrestling.)

Rachel: Okay, y'know what uh, actually, that's great. That helps a lot. Thanks. (She leaves them to wrestle.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is cleaning the foosball table, Joey is working on his script.]

Chandler: (entering from his bedroom) Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes! Come on, Joe!

Ross: Joey's not going.

Joey: (To Chandler) I didn't finish my five pages.

Chandler: Well, why can't you do them tomorrow?

Ross: Because tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's pages.

Joey: Yesterday's pages did not reflect my best work.

Chandler: (To Ross) Why don't you cut him a little slack? Okay? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done.

Ross: I think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to you and Fireball.

Joey: Dude, if you think Fireball's relaxing, you've obviously have never played.

Chandler: The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed.

Ross: I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical!

Joey: Come on look guys, don't fight.

Ross: And the reason I'm doing this is because I am Joey's friend. And if you were a good friend, you'd be doing the same thing.

Chandler: Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk?

Ross: If it does? Then you're an amazing friend of mine.

Joey: Hey-hey guys, hey! How about we settle this over a friendly game of Fireball? Huh? I'll go unhook the smoke detectors!

Ross: How about we settle this right now! (He rips up the tickets.) There! Now, no one's going to the game. Ha-ha-ha!

Chandler: I paid for those tickets!

Ross: No you didn't. You said you would, but you never did!

Chandler: Oh yeah! (Makes an unintelligible taunting sound.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are listening to a story being told by Danny and his sister.]

Danny: …so we finally get to the top of the mountain and airhead here (His sister) forgets the camera!

Joey: Oh, y'know the same thing happened to me one time.

Chandler: When did that happen to you?!

Joey: Don't you remember when we were jogging in the park and we saw that really pretty bird and wanted to take a picture—I didn't have my camera!

Chandler: Oh yeah. First off all, chasing the Churo guy isn't jogging.

Krista: Oh, this is so good (A piece of cake.) you have got to try it. (She takes some on her finger and feeds it to Danny. Then takes a little more and does it again. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang stares on in shock. Then they pick up a part of it and some filling falls into his lap.)

Danny: Oh, damn! I got it on my pants.

Krista: Here, I'll get it. (She grabs a napkin and tries to wipe it up. The thing that gets the rest of the gang going is that she's whipping awfully close to his crotch. In fact, she is whipping his crotch. Chandler's about to come out of his chair.)

Krista: We'd better take these pants off upstairs or that stain's gonna set.

Danny: Yep. (To Rachel) I'm gonna wear these on our date tonight.

Rachel: Oh, great!

Chandler: Okay, bye! (To the gang.) Oh my God!!

Monica: That was unbelievable!

Rachel: Okay, see? I told you!

Joey: Yeah, wow, sorry Rach.

Chandler: I don't believe they're brother and sister.

Joey: They're brother and sister!!!

[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe has adorned her bucket with numerous signs. Like "We are not a urinal!" and "I have no Macys info." And other stuff like that. She also has a scowl on her face as she is ringing her bell. A little old lady walks up to make a donation but Phoebe stops her.]

Phoebe: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute, open up your hand; let me take a look. (The lady opens up her hand.) Quarter. Dime. Lint? Not interested in that. (She throws the lint away.) What's this? A Canadian coin? Get outta here! (The lady walks away.)

(Another man walks up with a drink in his hand, Phoebe stops him too.)

Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No drinks near the bucket! Set it down over there and then you can make a contribution! (The guy starts to walk away with a hurt look on his face.) And you can leave the hurt bunny look over there too! (Her boss and a co-worker walk up.) Hi Bob! (The same old lady from before walks bye.) (To the old lady.) I thought I told you to get outta here!

Bob: Uh, Phoebe we've been getting complaints and uh, we're gonna move you to a less high-profile spot.

Phoebe: What?!

Bob: Umm, Ginger's gonna take over this corner.

Phoebe: That chick can't handle my corner.

Bob: Look, either you leave, or we remove you.

Phoebe: Fine. (She hands her bell to Ginger and starts to take down her signs.) (The same old lady walks by again.) All right, I'll give you one pointer. Look out for that bitch. (The old lady.)

[Scene: Danny's apartment, there's a knock on the door and he answers it.]

Danny: Oh, hey Rach! I thought we said seven?

Rachel: Yeah uh, y'know what uh, let's skip it.

Danny: What?! Why?!

Rachel: Umm, you-you and your sister seem to have umm, a very special bond, and…

Danny: Oh great! That special bond again! Why do women have such a problem with the fact that I'm close with my sister?

Rachel: Well, okay, look. I don't know, listen, I don't know what's going on here but let's…

Danny: Do-do you, do you have brothers?

Rachel: No, I have two sisters. But one of them has a very masculine energy.

Danny: Are you close with them?

Rachel: No-no, they're not very nice people.

Danny: Okay, listen, I really like you. Okay? I think this can go somewhere. So what if I'm close to my family, are you gonna let that stand in the way of us?

Rachel: Well, uh, I-I don't know. See when-when you put it that way y'know it does sort of…

Krista: (calling from the bathroom) Danny! Hurry up! The bath is getting cold!

Danny: (seeing Rachel's shocked look) What?

Rachel: Yeah, okay, I'll see you later. (Gets up and runs from the apartment.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is there as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Oh hey! There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day?

Ross: Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys! I was at the library all morning and I already finished my five pages for today!

Ross: Yay!

Chandler: Great! Now, we can go to the Ranger game! (Pause) Last night!

Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets!

Ross: I guess when you don't have so many distractions, it's easier for you to focus. Huh?

Chandler: Yeah or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!!

Joey: Yeah, well, that's fine, but the important thing is that I finished it. And uh, I think it's really good, but y'know it'd really help me is if I could hear it. So would you guys read it for me?

Chandler: All right. (Takes a copy.)

Ross: All right. (Takes another copy.)

Joey: Okay. (Reading.) "It's a typical New York City apartment. Two guys are hanging out." Ross (Points to him.)

(Ross and Chandler start to read Joey's script aloud.)

Ross: Hey man.

Chandler: What is up?

Ross: About yesterday, I was really wrong. I am sorry.

Chandler: No, it was me. I'm sorry. I over reacted.

Ross: Maybe it was both of us, but we had our best friend's interest… (Pauses and looks at Joey.) But we had our best friend's interest at heart.

Chandler: Could I be more sorry. (Looks at Joey.)

Ross: I don't know, I'm one sorry polentologist. (Stops reading.) All right Joey, we get it. (To Chandler) I'm sorry.

Chandler: (To Ross) I'm sorry too.

Joey: Oh no! No-no, keep reading! The good part's coming up. Keep going.

Ross: (reading from the script.) I am sorry, Chandler.

Chandler: I am sorry, Ross.

Joey: A handsome man enters. (Playing the part of the handsome man.) Hey! How's it going guys? I don't know what you two were talking about, but I'd like to say thanks to both of you. You, (Ross) you wouldn't let me give up on myself, and you (Chandler) well you co-created Fireball. The end.

Chandler: This took you all day?!

Joey: No-no, this only took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new, Ultimate Fireball. (Takes out a bowling ball and a propane torch.) Ha-ha!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are about to read another one of Joey's efforts.]

Joey: (Reading the scene set up.) Okay, it's a typical New York City apartment. Two girls are just hanging out.

(Monica and Rachel begin to read from the script.)

Monica: Hi, how are you doing Kelly?

Rachel: I'm doing just fine! God, Tiffany, you smell so great!

Monica: It's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it?

(They both start to read ahead.)

Rachel: Oh, y'know Joey, you are sick!

Monica: This is disgusting!

(They both throw the scripts in his face.)

Rachel: I'm not reading this!

Joey: What?! Wait-wait-wait! The handsome man was about to enter!!

End

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