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老友记第五季The One With All The Resolutions

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有庆祝活动吗?人们如何迎接新年?过年啦!1999年,乔伊年真替你高兴怎么了?新年钟声敲响时我和莫妮想接吻。但你们会觉得异样的我来搞定-别!乔伊!-73! 72! 71!你呆会要亲谁?瑞秋还是菲比?-什么?-亲吻中迎接新年,但你不能亲自己妹妹-那谁亲我妹妹?-钱德真的?你选一个吧,让我或者钱德亲莫妮呢?-问得好-就是说嘛-因为我跟瑞秋谈过恋爱,我选菲比吧-好菲比!罗斯过新年时要亲你可以啊,他干嘛不直接问我-瑞秋,我过年就亲你-什么?亲吻迎新年嘛,你不能吻罗斯,你们有前科那又怎样?-你选我还是钱德来亲你呢?-问得好-就是说嘛-3! 2! 1! -新年快乐-新年快乐-新年快乐-新年快乐新年快乐,乔伊喜欢吗?听着我99年的新年愿望是:不再离婚!你离婚还没办完呢99年只离一次婚!我今年会很快乐我要让自己快乐要我们回避吗?每天我都要有新尝试这就是我的新年决心好主意我呢、就想开飞机也是好主意,如果有人新年想找死,他们可以去搭你的飞机也许你的决心该是:不再拿朋友寻开心尤其是本打算开飞机免费载你去欧洲的朋友她可能会开飞机,你却不太可能不拿我们开心我赌50元,你坚持不了一年一个星期都难说赌就赌输给我50元就是你那天的新尝试马上就开始算!我的新年决心是学弹吉他真的?为什么?我简历上写了很多技能如果不全是吹牛那一定很棒要我教你吗,我是好老师哦,你都教过谁?我教过自己,我喜欢学生好! 谢谢你,菲比布莱尔忘了带眼镜那她怎么看住她的男朋友听说那个家伙用下半身思考,很难管教你们知道我的意思?也许你新年该少讲闲话我从不说闲话有时候我得到消息加以传播免得你们不知道那不代表我爱说闲话,那么多电视名嘴,能说他们爱说闲话吗?假如他们也搬弄同事的是非,那就是他们老是像这样!-明天见-好我刚约了她很好!那是你今天的”新尝试”吗?算是吧。看!伊丽莎白荷斯瓦根对,-伊丽莎白 荷斯瓦根-荷 斯瓦根钱德这名字很好笑?不,我好象在哪儿听过真的?在哪儿?肯定好笑知道吗?我约了伊丽莎白 荷斯瓦根荷斯瓦根?噢,你一定忍俊不禁再见好,菲比我准备好上课了不,你别碰吉他-先打基础,然后摸琴-好第一课,和弦我不知道和弦指法名但我根据弹琴时的手形自创了一些名字这是”熊掌”这是”火鸡腿”还有”老太太”趣味吉他教学法!有人会发笑,但我不会。嘿,各位!瑞秋今天很乖她一点闲话也没讲我忍住了!虽然我有大发现我发现了某人的某事但是呢我就是不说菲比,快看你掌握了“老太太”指法!我觉得自己有进步,今天回家的时候就到吉他店去了一趟你碰了那里的吉他?对吗?没有把手给我看按了弦,用了吉他拨片-你还想不想学了?-想!-想就别乱来!-嗨-嗨,班-莫妮阿姨!罗斯穿皮裤!你们没注意到吗?评论点什么吧!-好看-我喜欢我可不是想说这个罗斯这样的人怎么会穿这种裤子紧身裤哦对紧身裤发表点评论吧看来不错哪里买的?我不是每日新尝试吗?皮衣店味道很好我想道,”我还从没有过那么好闻的裤子呢”(提示钱德拿自己开玩笑)受不了了!说真的,你们怎么看?你看来畸形难看死了你干什么?-是我新年许的愿-把我的儿子闪瞎么?是多拍合照这个愿望太棒了,大家都会喜欢你们也会喜欢我的音乐天啊!裤子要着火了天啊,还靠过来想热死我吗?简直是火山口!-你热吗?-不热那只有我热了是裤子和沙发摩擦的声音我去一下洗手间可以吗?-去吧-谢谢-到我最爱看的一段了!-来了天啊!“虎掌”“龙拳”“冰山”约瑟夫,昨晚你做功课了吗?做了!那做个“冰山手”(那就是“升G”咯)升G?你偷学了和弦真正的名字了?有吗?天啊!什么?我没碰过吉他!但你质疑我的教学方法!我才不质疑呢,这种方法很白痴!干什么?谢谢我其它的学生可不这么想你就只教过你一个学生!算了,你再加把劲吧可能我需要请个好老师!看!“Andy Cooper,教弹吉他”还有他教小孩的照片,这孩子抱着把吉他!好!你去找够资格的老师吧以后别找我抱怨说大家都听腻了你的练习曲!-(哼着练习曲的调调)-好!你也向着他!我等不及要抱你罗斯一接走班,我马上溜到你那边来我就跟瑞秋讲我要去洗几小时衣服 “洗衣服?” 我的新绰号吗?你知道你的新绰号的,大先生-喂-乔伊,我是罗斯,帮我!钱德不在你帮我我在伊丽莎白的浴室里棒啊!不!皮裤很热,我就脱下来放松但它遇汗水后缩水了要么就是腿受热膨胀了现在穿不上了,乔伊,穿不上了!糟糕看到粉什么的吗?粉!找到一瓶!好在腿上撒点粉,能吸收水分你就能穿上裤子了对,等等还是不行凡士林,那里有吗?我看到有乳液。有用吗?有用,你试试等等罗斯,你没事吧?还是不行,伙计乳液和香粉混成糨糊了真的?啥颜色?你管那么多?如果糨糊颜色跟裤子相配,你就涂满糨糊当裤子——她看不出!有空吗?怎么办?瑞秋来了,祝你好运。告诉我结果。乔伊,我有个问题你问得正好我正到处救火呢我要告诉你一件事什么事?告诉你一个大秘密!但你要保证不要告诉别人我没兴趣你想知道的!不可思议!不!我受够了保守秘密谁也不能讲你知道秘密?什么秘密?你不该说闲话的!是啊,但我没忍住,所以拿起电话——我不要听!罗斯,为什么那么久你别吓我我就出来把灯关掉可以吗?灯要开着天啊!我遇到麻烦-菲比-我没资格跟你说话。我连黄页广告都登不起对不起,我批评你的教学方法你能再当我的老师吗?在得到你允许以前,我不碰吉他,好吗你真的认为我可以了吗?太好了!-至少和弦指法没错吧?-错了!我的天!我们听说了你的裤子的事真惨今年我本该得到幸福但新年第2天这愚蠢的、不合身的皮裤就害我出丑、当傻瓜!你不傻看看我!嘿,看!班画了一张爸爸把你画成牛仔!因为我穿皮裤-他觉得你是牛仔,而不是傻瓜。总算值得-就是就是你好,牛仔也许我该再买一条你知道那种旁边带须边的我要去跟儿子说晚安真不相信他认为我是个牛仔!我可以是个不错的牛仔衣物收好了,我要洗衣服去了我也去,衬衣脏了吧?我也走了,去机场我就在那里守着总会发现空飞机的-祝好运,亲爱的-再见-记得我要告诉你的大秘密吗-不!我不逼你听,但如果你自己发现了那我们可以交流交流那就不算秘密了,好你到钱德的睡房把他借我的书拿回来行吗?-现在?你要我现在过去?-对-你知道些什么吗?-你知道些什么吗?-我也许知道-我也是你要知道什么/你先告诉我-你知道什么?-你先说我才说那好你诈我!你什么都不知道我现在就过去钱德的房间就能证实了!-你知道了!-你也知道对,我知道!钱德和莫妮?喔,真难以置信-你知道多久了?-太久了!我一直想跟人说!别告诉其它人,他们会大惊小怪的下雨了我可不想雨中驾驶我要去雨中漫步我也去真怪他们肯定有一腿我受不了了!你赢了,钱拿去开飞机?你去开宇宙飞船吧!那就可以飞回你的星球!罗斯,有电话找你,Tom Jones想要回他的裤子!荷斯瓦根?你跟木偶约会吗?

The One With All The Resolutions

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square.]

Jay Leno: (On TV to Dick Clark) Is there any entertainment there? What are people doing?

Joey: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey!

Chandler: (deadpan, standing next to Monica) We're very happy for you.

Joey: What's the matter?!

Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know…

Joey: All right, I'll take care of it.

Monica: Oh no, wait! Joey!

(They try to stop him, not sure of what he's planning. He ignores them and goes to talk to Ross.)

Ross: (hopping) 73! 72! 71!

Joey: Ross! Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?

Ross: What?

Joey: Well you gotta kiss someone, you can't kiss your sister.

Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister.

Joey: Chandler.

Ross: Awww, man! Really?

Joey: Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?

Ross: That's a good point.

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Oh well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.

Joey: Okay, great!

Ross: All right.

Joey: Pheebs! Pheebs! Ross wants to kiss you at midnight!

Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask?

Joey: Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the history.

Rachel: So?

Joey: So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler?

Rachel: Oh, good point.

Joey: Yeah!

All: (watching the ball drop) 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

(And with that everyone starts playing tonsil hockey. Chandler with Monica, Ross with Phoebe, and Joey with Rachel.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Happy New Year!

Monica: Happy New Year.

Ross: (To Phoebe) Happy New Year, Pheebs!

Phoebe: You too!

Rachel: (To Joey) Happy New Year, Joey!

Joey: So did that do anything for ya?

(Rachel slowly walks away.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the party. Everyone has left, except for the gang.]

Ross: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99!

Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.

Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.

Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room, or?

Ross: Everyday I am gonna do one thing that I haven't done before. That my friends is my New Year's resolution.

Phoebe: Ooh! That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.

Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane.

Monica: She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us.

Ross: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh, y'know what, better yet? A week.

Chandler: I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the "new thing you do that day!" (Ross looks at him.) And it starts right now!

Joey: All right, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to play the guitar.

Ross: Ohh.

Phoebe: Really?! How come?

Joey: Well, y'know those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love it would be great if one of those was true.

Phoebe: Do you want me to teach you? I'm a great teacher.

Joey: Really? Who-who have you taught?

Phoebe: Well, I taught me and I love me.

Joey: Yeah that'd be great! Thanks Pheebs!

Rachel: Op, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And she's gonna be really needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend, who, I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about.

Monica: Hey Rach, maybe your resolution should be to umm, gossip less.

Rachel: I don't gossip!

(They all laugh.)

Rachel: Well, maybe sometimes I find out things or I hear something and I pass that information on y'know kinda like a public service, it doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip?

Monica: Well if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, I would.

Rachel: What? They were like this!

(She puts her hands over her breasts and indicates that the coworkers boob job resulted in one pointing up and one pointing down with her hands by pointing up with one hand and down with the other.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to a beautiful woman as Chandler and Joey enter.]

Woman: I'll see you tomorrow.

Ross: Okay! (She leaves.) (To Chandler and Joey.) Hey!

Chandler and Joey: Hey!

Ross: I just asked that girl out.

Chandler: Nice!

Joey: Nice!! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today?

Ross: Yes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of paper she gave him with her name and phone number on it.)

Chandler: (reading it) Elizabeth Hornswoggle?

Ross: That's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle.

Chandler: Horn-swoggle.

Joey: You all right Chandler? Is there something funny about that name?

Chandler: No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. (Sits down rubbing his temple.)

Joey: Oh really! Where? Somewhere funny I'd bet! (Chandler is straining to keep quiet as Phoebe enters.)

Ross: Hi, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Oh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with Elizabeth (Talking into Chandler's ear.) Hornswoggle.

Phoebe: Hornswoggle? (To Chandler) Ooh, this must be killing you.

Ross: All right, see you later.

Joey: See ya! All right Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson.

Phoebe: Okay. (Joey tries to take the guitar.) Oh no-no-no, you don't touch the guitar! First you learn here, (Points to her head.) then you learn here. (Points to the guitar.)

Joey: Umm, okay.

Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll have to use your imagination, 'cause it would take me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want to see them, you'll have to wait for this episode to come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.)

Chandler: What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with Rachel.]

Phoebe: Hey everybody, Rachel was so good today. She didn't gossip at all.

Rachel: I didn’t! Even when I found out…umm, all right, well let's just say I found something out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it. (Goes into her room.)

Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. (Holds up his hand in one of Phoebe's chords.)

Phoebe: Ooh, you nailed the Old Lady! (They both laugh at what she said.)

Joey: Yeah listen so, I thought I was getting better, so on my way home today I stopped by this guitar store and…

Phoebe: Did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? Did you?!

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Give me your hands. (He does and she smells his left hand.) Strings. Gimme it! (He gives her his right hand and she smells it as well.) Pick. Do you want to learn to play guitar?

Joey: Yes!

Phoebe: Then don't touch one!!

Ross: (entering, with Ben) Hi!

Ben: Hi!

Monica: Hi Ben!

Ben: Auntie Monica!! (He runs to hug her.)

Chandler: (notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the pants!

Rachel: I think they're very nice.

Monica: I like 'em.

Joey: Yeah! (Chandler bangs the table in frustration.)

Monica: I like them a lot.

Chandler: That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to Ross's buttock.) Maybe there's something in that area.

(They all speak at once in general approval of his pants selection; Joey asks where he got them. I can't pick out the rest of it.)

Ross: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store that always smells so good and I thought to myself, "Wow, (To Chandler) I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before."

(No one says anything.)

Chandler: Oh come on!! (Storms out.)

Ross: (after he's left) Okay, seriously, what do you think?

Joey: You look like a freak.

Rachel: Awful, absolutely awful. (Plus other negative comments from Phoebe and Monica.)

(Monica starts taking pictures of Ross and Ben, with the flash.)

Ross: What are you, what are you doing?

Monica: It's my New Year's resolution!

Ross: What, to blind my child?

Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures.

Joey: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well. (Does a chord and Monica starts taking pictures of him and Phoebe. They both start to strike a pose with the excessive amount of pictures that Monica takes.)

[Scene: Elizabeth Hornswoggle's apartment; Ross is there on his date with her. They are sitting on the couch watching a movie. Ross is obviously hot.]

Ross: (talking to himself) My God! These pants are burning up! (He's still wearing the leather pants.) (She snuggles closer.) Oh come on, she wants to snuggle now! What is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here! (Out loud.) Are you hot?

Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No.

Ross: Okay, it must just be me then.

(He shifts on the couch and a ripping sound emanates from his lower regions, the sound reminds one of a brief explosion of gas. In other words, it sounds like he farted. She has a look of horrific wonderment, wondering "Did he just fart?")

Ross: That was just the pants on the couch. Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Elizabeth: No, go ahead.

Ross: Thanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the sound returns. Without another word he heads into her bathroom.)

[Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one. He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his legs, cooling them further.]

Ross: (in ecstasy) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh……….

Elizabeth: (yelling from outside) Hey, my favorite part is coming up!

Ross: 'Kay!

(He goes to pull up his pants, but can't seem to get them past his knees. He frantically tries to pull them up to no avail. Panic sets in.)

Ross: Oh my God!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is drilling Joey on the chords as Monica looks on.]

Phoebe: Tiger! (Joey moves his hand in an attempt to do the chord, in fact he does it with each name.) Dragon! Iceberg!! (He fails.) Joseph, did you even study at all last night?

Joey: Yes! Yes, I did.

Phoebe: Then do Iceberg!

Joey: (thinks) (quietly) G-sharp.

Phoebe: G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? (Joey doesn't answer.) Have you? (He looks away in shame.) Oh my God!

Joey: What?! I didn't touch a guitar!

Phoebe: No, but you're questioning my method!

Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid! (Notices Monica standing between them and smiling.) What?! (The camera clicks, taking another picture.)

Monica: Thank you. (Leaves.)

Phoebe: Y'know none of my other student thought I was stupid.

Joey: Your other student, was you!

Phoebe: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need to try a little harder!

Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms out.)

Phoebe: Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!!

Rachel: (entering, singing) "Baddest man in the whole damn town."

Phoebe: Oh, fine! Take his side! (Storms out.)

(Rachel looks shocked, gets over it, notices she's alone, and picks up the phone. The last part of which is something she shouldn't have done, because the phone is already in use. By Monica, and now Rachel can hear every word.)

Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.

Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)

Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big…

Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, The phone rings and Joey answers it.]

Joey: (answering phone) Hello?

Ross: (calling from Elizabeth's bathroom) Joey, it's Ross! I need some help!

Joey: Uhh, Chandler's not here.

Ross: Well, you can help me!

Joey: Okay.

Ross: Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom…

Joey: Nice!

Ross: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I can't put them back on. I can't!

Joey: Oh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any like, powder?

Ross: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder! (Grabs some of her shelf.)

Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up.

Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.) They're not coming on man.

Joey: Umm, do you see any—oh, Vaseline?

Ross: Ohh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that work?

Joey: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there.

Ross: Hold on.

(Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.)

Joey: Ross? You okay?

Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste!

Joey: Really?! Uhh, what color is it?

Ross: What difference does that make?!

Joey: Well, I'm just—if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference!

Rachel: (entering) Joey, do you have a minute?

Ross: Dude, what am I gonna…

Joey: (To Ross) Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out. (He hangs up the phone and strands Ross in the bathroom.)

Rachel: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem!

Joey: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Joey, I have got to tell you something!

Joey: What-what is it, what is it?

Rachel: Oh my God, it's so huge, but you just have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone.

Joey: Oh no, no-no-no-no! I don't want to know!

Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, you do want to know! This is unbelievable!

Joey: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't tell anyone!

Rachel: What? What secrets? You know secrets? What are they?

Joey: And you're not supposed to be gossiping!!

Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone… (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current state.)

Joey: I'm not listening to you!

(Chandler seeing that Joey has his eyes closed sneaks over and picks up the chicken. The chicken starts flapping it's wings in protest as Chandler holds the chicken inches from Joey's face. Joey stops yelling and upon opening his eyes sees the chicken, screams, and falls to the ground in horror.)

[Scene: Elizabeth's apartment; Elizabeth is inquiring as to the delay in Ross's exit from her bathroom.]

Elizabeth: Ross, umm, you've been in there for a long time. I'm starting to get kinda freaked out.

Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off.

Elizabeth: No, let's just leave the lights on.

(Ross opens the door and steps into the living room. He has fully removed his pants and holds them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch. His legs are covered in the powder and lotion paste. He looks terrible.)

Elizabeth: Oh my God!

Ross: I had a problem.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there to apologize to Phoebe.]

Joey: Hey, Pheebs?

Phoebe: No, I can't talk to you! I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages!

Joey: Look, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for, for saying that your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. And-and I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready. (After a short pause she hands him her guitar.) You really think I'm ready?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Joey: Wow! Cool! (He takes the guitar, stands up, and goes to play a note. However, while strumming it, he knocks it out of his hands and it bounces off the table and lands on the floor. Phoebe just stares at the guitar.)

Joey: (sitting back down) Was the chord at least right…

Phoebe: No!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his horrible trek back home without pants on. The whole gang is there.]

Chandler: Oh my God!

Monica: We heard about your pants, I'm so sorry.

Ross: This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit!

All: No. No, you're not a loser.

Ross: Look at me! (Chandler squeaks in an attempt not to make fun of him.)

Monica: Hey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a picture of you! (Shows him Ben's picture.) Huh? You're-you're a cowboy!

Ross: Oh, be-because of the leather pants.

Monica: See? Ben doesn't think you're a loser, he thinks you're a cowboy! Now that's something.

(All at once.)

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: That really is something; that's really cool.

Joey: Howdy partner!

Ross: Maybe I should get another pair! Ooh, y'know, they-they had some with fringe all down the sides. (Chandler starts rubbing his temple again.) I'm gonna go kiss Ben goodnight. (He starts to head for Monica's bedroom.) I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy. (Pause.) I would make a good cowboy. (He struts into Monica's room.)

Monica: Okay, now that everything's wrapped up here, I think I'm, I'm gonna go do my laundry.

Chandler: Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt is dirty. (Smells it.) Yep.

(They both exit.)

Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.

Rachel: Good luck, honey!

Phoebe: Bye! (She exits, leaving Rachel and Joey alone.)

Rachel: Hey, uh, Joey?

Joey: Umm?

Rachel: Remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about?

Joey: Oh, no! (Starts that screaming thing again. Rachel stops him by pulling his fingers out of his ears.)

Rachel: I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be okay and then we could talk about it. Right?

Joey: Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah, that would be okay. Yeah. Yeah!

Rachel: (quietly) Yeah. Well. (Pause.) Hey uh Joe, would mind going over to Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me?

Joey: Now? You want me to go over there now?

Rachel: Yeah!

Joey: Do you know something?

Rachel: Do you know something?

Joey: I might know something.

Rachel: I might know something too.

Joey: What's the thing you know?

Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.

Joey: I can't tell you what I know.

Rachel: Well then I can't tell you what I know.

Joey: Okay, fine.

(Silence ensues.)

Joey: You don't know!

Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! (Note: Kudos to Ms. Aniston on the delivery of that line. She said it very quickly and didn't screw up a word. Try it yourself, it ain't that easy.)

Joey: (gasps) YOU KNOW!!!!

Rachel: AND YOU KNOW!!!

Joey: Yeah, I know!!!!

Rachel: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!! How long have you known?

Joey: Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! Listen, listen, we can't say anything about this to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen… (Phoebe returns and interrupts them.)

Joey and Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! It's raining. I don't want to fly in the rain. So…

(Pause.)

Joey: Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain.

Rachel: Ohhh, yeah, me too.

(They both exit.)

Phoebe: That's weird. (Pause.) I bet they're doing it.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]

Chandler: (entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.)

End

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