别瞒我了，乔伊昨晚我已经全对你招了没什么大不了，他们不过是在办事不敢相信你会那样说!好吧，莫妮卡和钱德是在做爱不，我是说，这是件大事!我要知道详情谁先主动献吻的？不知道他对她很浪漫吗？不晓得他们相爱吗？不清楚你一无所知！-只知道一件事-什么？他们就在这张沙发上做的钱德的应酬假笑阿甘，给我一块烤饼要听好消息吗？有人要结婚了婚礼多快乐！是我前妻，爱米丽什么？别难过，伙计-你的烤饼-谢谢愚蠢的英国糕点！你从制怒课上学来这招的吗？我教你怎么办你该这样想，你和爱米莉的事是历史了生历史的气、无济于事购买路易斯安那州的事你还生气吗？谁会为那种事生气对嘛，已经是历史了有人要吃吗？-工作派对，我们都盛装打扮好了！-对了，是哪门子庆祝啊？圣诞派对后剩下很多酒水帅！熟朋友都不会来，-我们不必躲躲藏藏了-正大光明，我可以这样我也可以这样那样不行宾宾！请教这位美女芳名？她怎么会跟你一起的？我自己也搞不懂这是莫妮卡我的老板，道格道格，这位是莫妮卡-我太太，卡拉-很高兴见到你们-宾宾，我们刚和一家律师事务所合作，听说了吗？-没有名叫：杜威、祁提和豪伟(音同：我们犯法吗？怎么犯的？)走，我们去喝个痛快-你干什么？-恩？发出那种噪音？噢，我的应酬笑法应酬笑法？信我，这种派对上要想受欢迎，非得来这一手不可！-好。看我的！-好那就30元吧，神父，等同市价-昨晚上公司的人都对你赞不绝口-当真？你的表现为我加了印象分我和乔伊一起亮相时丢的分都追回来了道格还邀我们打羽毛球除了公事，他以前话都不跟我说只有那次在脱衣舞夜总会碰面时，说过一两句是在……露天教堂……碰见-我去找只球拍-你不是有吗？曾经有过，但乔伊认为拿它去中央公园敲石头会更有趣敲大石头你有网球拍吗？借给乔伊了，就再没见过那祝你好运怎么样？你在这干嘛？我以为你今天要盘存呢本来是的，但我决定要慢慢吃顿午餐跟我的朋友莫妮卡一起叙叙旧我们现在很少谈心了你好吗?有什么新动向?没什么新鲜事，工作还算顺利不谈工作，说点别的不如这样谈谈男女关系你交了新男友？没该你说了银行里有个家伙挺可爱但我现在改变了看法有趣我确实公事缠身你确定不想讲点别的？我确定。有要跟我谈的事吗确定。你想我谈什么吗？没有就算有, 也不会跟你谈- 后来呢？- 呃——轮到你了- 嘿，菲比。在干嘛？- 没什么还没完！-不！-什么？我一宿没睡，给爱米丽写了封缠绵悱恻的信相当完美，现在却沾满——很感谢准备好去看电影了吗？- 我不想去- 真的？我想留下看书，现在只想独处真不想去？汤姆·汉克斯，梅格·瑞安，他们俩收发电子邮件什么的不看了，乔我们走，菲比这局我们胜！天啊，宾宾你的搭档真是个母老虎你没事吧？我们喝点水我今天很在状态吧？他们俩就像待宰的羔羊够了，辛吉斯下一局我们该让他们赢抱歉，我不懂你说什么让他们赢一次吧你疯了？我们赢两局了看他们那熊样儿!他气都喘不匀，而她得吃药了你一点机会都不给他们！他们不是有球拍吗！我们再打最后一局吧yes, sir! 那我算是得救了您真没参加过职业比赛？请让他们赢那我就使九成五的劲最大的让步了呀，没击中我接到了！好球我来!出界了你竟然放水你还算乖，没有当场发火我感到很灰心那是我的球拍因为你、我们才输了如果我们不输球，他们决不会邀我们明天共进晚餐知道我最气什么吗？你工作应酬时和平常判若两人！你打球放水，还假笑再见，宾宾再见，道格我不喜欢“工作时的钱德”马屁精你这样说我今晚不出去了不对劲！我哥不会整晚在外的也许我们该找找垃圾道罗斯（那么壮，）垃圾道顺不下他对，差一点上次我就卡在那里了-他回来了-噢，我的天!你到底上哪去了？出去了噢，“出去”! 天，为什么我们没找过那里呢你干了些什么？我去了酒吧，然后到处转了转你独自一人在街上转悠了一晚上？他有艳遇搭上什么妞了！我没必要啥都向你们报告，我是大人了我爱干嘛就干嘛他有艳遇跟我们说说她的事!罗斯，你忘了围巾大家好我知道你们怎么想但钱德远在也门我是个年轻女性，我有需要我不能为他守活寡是啊求你们别急着怪我没人怪你好，理想情人下次再找我我知道你们想说什么你们俩会生出多毛的孩子没料到你会说这个罗斯! 珍尼丝？！够了，打住罗斯他是我们的朋友他显然疯了失去了理智我很清醒珍尼丝和我有共同语言我们都离婚了都有孩子你还会再约她吗？-别给他灌输什么！-我会再约她都怪你，菲比!跟你说一个秘密高中时明知你喜欢詹姆斯，我却跟他约会过，忏悔的感觉真好，该你说了该我了？说什么？-你和钱德的事，我都知道了-什么？有一天我听到你们讲电话你说“我会告诉瑞秋我要洗好几小时的衣服”然后他说“‘洗衣服’？那是我的新绰号吗？”然后你说 “你的绰号是大先生”你在编剧本吗，瑞秋那你说后来怎样了不知道，我吓死了，赶紧把电话挂了，假如你有听下去的话你会听到我叫他老——顽固-什么？-老顽固他讲了很多种族主义的笑话就是这样你是说，你和钱德是清白的？我和钱德？你放上20元-谁先找到好吃的、谁赢，好吗？-好选手出笼，各就各位开跑裁判，别用脚挡我方选手裁判裁定，这不算犯规-嘿！听来有点怪，今天跟珍尼丝约会很愉快当真？我对她倾诉我的遭遇我连说了好几小时感觉太棒了有个如此专注的听众不用找珍尼丝当听众，你有我们鸭子先找到果仁奶油饼干！嘿，那才不是饼干，只是馊馄饨罢了！裁判判定是果仁奶油饼干-黑哨-没错说真的，我坚信我们该支持克林顿总统以及她的丈夫，比利爱喝咖啡吗？-我们不大爱喝。谢谢。-得加点糖端出来让莫妮卡的手指浸一浸就够甜了对吧？-不觉那笑声刺耳？-慢慢你就习惯了我不行，我受够了老板开玩笑、我就笑有什么大不了的？我宁愿跟一个让我敬重的人交往而不是个马屁精我同情内子的咖啡，不够浓（strong，此处指强壮）打起架来完全没能力自卫宾宾，听到我讲话？恩？我开玩笑来着你什么毛病？我不觉得好笑什么？-我只是——-亲爱的你只是没听懂真的？真的很有趣，只是你没明白夫人做的咖啡较淡（weak），但道格先生用了weak这个词的另一个意思：身体比较弱。-明白了吗？-了解！谢谢你，莫妮卡能帮你就好咖啡打架!你介意我在这里看漫画吗？看你的。跑过来干嘛？钱德和莫妮卡在那边，我很难集中精神看书她刚来电说要加班她老骗我够了! 我要马上过去跟他们对质你说我讲种族主义的笑话？我不擅长此道我不会撒谎，尤其讨厌对瑞秋说谎-但我们还没准备好共诸于众，-我知道从中学到现在，瑞秋和我之间都没有秘密我很想念那种感觉她是我最好的朋友乔伊？噢天哪，瑞秋!你在这里做什么？哎，我过来借灯看书为了看清楚点很好我在钱德的房间打扫卫生他花钱请我这样赚零花钱呀，很棒我说加班，就是这个新工作好工作。好了，我要去看书了我继续干活恭喜你找到新工作!她真好骗你们的咖啡-我该走了-你确定？我陪你多晚都行我告诉过你、我被放长假你讲过了！-噢-现在又出什么毛病了？我点的不是这种天! 我一生中就不能有一件对路的事吗？先是婚姻失败，然后——我知道!你失去了房子、你失去了工作前妻很快就再婚，现在咖啡又端错！我们需要谈谈有的时候我觉得……不，我有话说我认为我们俩没戏唱了你是很可爱，罗斯但很不幸我再也受不了听你诉苦了！我没听错吧？我们要分手？因为我太烦人了？也就是说我抱怨太多而你讨厌我？珍尼丝没错天啊!你会痊愈的？-已经痊愈了-那就好搞定三分之二了乔伊!伙计，我们谈谈我想在别人告密前向你坦白我和珍尼丝有了一夜情你居然不生气？我干吗要生气？因为按老规矩朋友妻不可戏和朋友曾有、现有、将有关系的女孩都不该碰现在我生你的气了！但你知道我会怎么做吗？我要原谅你因为我们是朋友朋友互相谅解，哪怕触犯上述的规矩谢谢你但我希望你记得我原谅了你我也希望你记得我让你免费在这里住好我还要你记住我无偿给了你二十七块钱假如你记不住我们立字为凭！立字为凭！
The One With Chandler's Work Laugh
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to pry more information about Chandler and Monica from Joey who's sitting on the couch and busy downing a pizza.]
Rachel: Come on Joey!!!
Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it.
Rachel: I can't believe you would say that!
Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love.
Rachel: No! I mean come on! This is a huge deal! (She sits next to him on the couch.) Fine I want—I need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss?
Joey: (thinks) I don't know.
Rachel: Is he romantic with her?
Joey: I don't know.
Rachel: Are they in love?
Joey: (thinks) I don't know.
Rachel: You don't know anything.
Joey: Ohh, I know one thing!
Joey: They did it right there on the couch.
(He points to where she's sitting and she jumps up quickly.)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Ross enters.]
Joey: Hey Ross!
Ross: (disinterested) Hey-yeah. (He hurries up to the counter.) Hey Gunther, can I have a scone please? (To the gang.) Wanna hear some good news? Someone I know is getting married! Yeah! And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by-the-by it's my ex-wife Emily!
All: What? Oh!
Chandler: Sorry man.
Gunther: Here's your scone.
Ross: Oh, thanks Gunther. (He takes it, hands the plate it's on to Rachel, sets it down on the table, and proceeds to pound it into oblivion while saying.) STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!!
Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?
Phoebe: Hey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase?
Rachel: Pheebs, I don’t think anyone's mad about that.
Phoebe: Exactly! Because it's in the past!
Joey: (eyeing the flattened scone) Anybody gonna eat that?
[Scene: Chandler's office, Monica and him are at a party his office is throwing.]
Monica: Look at us all dressed up for the big office party! By the way, what are we celebrating?
Chandler: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party.
Monica: I think this is so cool because none of our friends are here and we can be a real couple. We don't have to hide.
Chandler: I know, I can do this. (He takes her hand.)
Monica: Ooh, and I can do this. (She kisses him on the cheek.)
(They both stand real close together.)
Both: We can't do that. (They separate.)
(Chandler's boss (Doug) walks up.)
Doug: Hey Bing! (Slaps him on his ass.) (Sees Monica) Wo-ho-ho, who's the pretty lady and what the hell is she doing with you?
Chandler: I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, (Points to Monica) this is Monica. (Points to his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica.
Monica: Hi, nice to meet you!
Doug: Hi! And this is my wife Kara.
Kara: Nice to meet you Monica. Bing! (Slaps Chandler on his butt.)
Doug: Say uh, Bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us?
Chandler: No, sir.
Doug: Yeah, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe.
(Chandler does a fake laugh.)
Doug: Come on honey, let's go drink our body weight. (They walk off leaving Chandler and Monica alone.)
Monica: What was that?
Monica: That noise you just made?
Chandler: Oh, that was my work laugh.
Monica: Really? Your work laugh?
Chandler: Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too.
Monica: All right, check me out.
(She walks up to where Doug is finishing another joke to another group.)
Doug: …says $30 Father; same as in town.
(Monica does a fake laugh. For the laughs, you'll have to see the episode. I can't describe them.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is buying a muffin as Chandler runs in.]
Chandler: Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night!
Chandler: And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet.
Monica: Hey, I thought you already had one.
Chandler: Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at…bigger rocks. (He starts to leave and stops an entering Rachel.) Hey Rach, do you have a tennis racquet?
Rachel: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back.
Chandler: Okay, good luck with that. (Exits.)
Rachel: (To Monica) Hey!
Rachel: What's up?!
Monica: What are you doing here? I thought you had to do inventory all day.
Rachel: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica. Y'know I-I feel that we don't talk anymore. How are you? What is new with you?
Monica: Uhh, not much. Uh, work's good.
Rachel: Oh y'know what, we don’t have to talk about work. We can talk about anything!
Monica: Okay. Umm…
Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? Let's talk about relationships!
Monica: Okay, what's going on with you?
Rachel: Nothing! You go!
Monica: Well, I-I—there was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute umm, but I don't anymore.
Rachel: Wow that's uh, juicy. Umm, (checks watch) y'know what though Mon, I actually do have a lot of work to do so if-if—are you sure there's just not anything else?
Monica: Yes, I'm sure! Rachel is there something that you want to talk me about?
Rachel: No! (Gets up to leave.) (Under her breath.) If there was I wouldn't tell you.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe is settling a dispute between the chick and the duck.]
(The duck quacks.)
Phoebe: Okay, then what happened?
(The duck flaps its wings frantically.)
Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (The chick clucks.) You'll get your turn!
Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs, what's going on?
Phoebe: Nothing! (Picks up and sets the chick down on the floor.) (To the chick.) This is not over!
Ross: No! No! No!
Ross: I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily! It was perfect and now it's all covered in-in… (The duck quacks.) Actually, thanks!
Joey: (entering from his room) All right! Everybody ready to go to the movies?
Ross: Uh actually, I think I'm gonna skip it.
Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I just wanna be alone right now.
Joey: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff.
Ross: That's okay, Joe.
Joey: All right, let's go Pheebs.
Ross: (licks the envelope and encounters a foreign substance on the glue.) Oh God!
[Scene: A tennis court somewhere in the city of New York, it's the doubles match-up of a century Chandler and Monica versus Doug and Kara.]
(Hits the ball towards Chandler who returns it back to him. He then hits the ball at Monica who slams it and it bounces off Kara's leg.)
Doug: Well, I gotta tell ya Bing; that partner of yours is a real tiger. (To his wife.) Are you all right sweethart?
Kara: (out of breath and mouths) I'm not all right.
Doug: We're, we're just gonna get a little sip of water.
(They both walk off the court.)
Monica: Am I on fire today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved!
Chandler: Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game.
Monica: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said.
Chandler: Let them win one.
Monica: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's popping pills.
Chandler: You're not even giving them a chance!
Monica: They have racquets don't they?!
Doug: Uh Bing, I think we're gonna make this the last game.
Chandler: Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro? (Does his work laugh.) (To Monica) Please let them win!
Monica: I'll take it down to 95% but that's the best I can do.
(She serves to Doug who returns it to Chandler. As it bounces over his head Chandler swings and misses.)
Chandler: Oopsey, missed it!
Monica: I got it! (She hits a forehand smash that bounces right in between Doug and Kara and scores a point.)
Doug: Nice shot.
(Chandler glares at her and she shrugs her shoulders. Monica serves again; and Kara returns it.)
Monica: I got it!!
(Chandler cuts in front of her and hits the ball high and long.)
Chandler: Long! (Gives Monica the Work Laugh.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Chandler are returning from the game.]
Monica: I can't believe you let them win!
Chandler: Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. (Removes a smashed racquet from his bag.)
Monica: I was frustrated.
Chandler: It was my racquet.
Monica: I was frustrated with you!
Chandler: If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invented us to dinner tomorrow night.
Monica: Y'know what really bothers me? Is—it's how-how different you act around them! I mean y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the "I'll see you around, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!" (Mocks the fake laugh.) I gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up.
Chandler: Okay y'know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, the next morning the girls are there with Joey.]
Monica: I'm telling you, something's wrong! My brother does not stay out all night.
Joey: Maybe we should check the trash chute.
Rachel: Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute.
Joey: That's right, he almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there.
Rachel: There he is!
Monica: Oh my God! (She goes to hug him, stops short, and hits him on the shoulder.) Where the hell have you been?!!
Ross: Just, y'know out.
Rachel: Ohh, out, oh God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there!
Phoebe: What were you doing?
Ross: I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just walked around for a while.
Rachel: You walked around all night in the city by yourself?
Joey: (snaps his fingers) He hooked up! He hooked up with someone.
Ross: Look, I don't have to answer your questions! Okay? I'm a big boy, I can do whatever I want!
Joey: He hooked up!! Tell us about her!
[Suddenly the door opens and Ross's mystery girl enters. I'll give you a hint to who it is: OH….MY….GAWD!! Uh-huh, it's Janice.]
Janice: (entering) Ross you left you scarf in…(sees everyone.) Hey you guys. (Does the laugh.)
(They all turn and with shocked looks on their faces stare at Ross. Ross is at a loss for words at this moment.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, continued from earlier.]
Janice: Uh-oh-okay. Uh-oh-okay. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait forever!
Rachel: Yeah! No that's what I was thinking.
Janice: So I'm asking you please, take a moment before you judge me.
Phoebe: Oh, nobody's judging you. (They all turn and look at Ross.)
Janice: Oh! Okay! (To Ross) You, Mister Right Place at the Right Time, call me! (Does her famous, or is that infamous, laugh and exits.)
(They all turn and glare at Ross.)
Ross: Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are going to say…
Phoebe: You two will have very hairy children.
Ross: Okay, I didn't know you would say that.
Rachel: Ross! Janice?!
Joey: All right, hold on! Hold on. Hold on. This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind.
Ross: Look, I didn't lose my mind! Okay, Janice and I have a lot in common! We've-we've both been divorced. We-we both have kids.
Phoebe: So are you actually gonna see her again?
Joey: Phoebe! Don't put ideas in his head!
Ross: I am gonna see her again.
Joey: Damnit Phoebe!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going through her purse as Rachel rushes in.]
Rachel: (entering) Okay, I have to tell you something that I have never admitted during our entire friendship! But, when we were in high school I made out with James Farrell even when I knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest! Okay, you go!
Monica: My turn? What-what are you talking about?
Rachel: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler.
Rachel: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big."
Monica: Well. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me know how that one turns out.
Rachel: Well, I wouldn't know because I got so freaked out that I hung up the phone.
Monica: Well, if you had kept listening, you-you would have heard me call him Mr. Big…(Thinks)…ot.
Monica: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist jokes.
Rachel: All right. So you're telling me that there is nothing going on between you and Chandler.
Monica: Me and Chandler?! (Does her fake laugh.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe and Joey are there.]
Joey: All right, put your 20 bucks down. First one to find the tasty treat wins. Okay?
Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)
Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!
Joey: Judge rules, no violation.
Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
(Neither of them turns around from watching the chick and the duck look for the tasty treat.)
Ross: Y'know what? It sounds so weird to say this but, I just had a great day with Janice!
(They both turn around.)
Phoebe: Are you serious?!
Ross: Yeah! I opened up to her about all the terrible stuff that's been happening to me. I mean I talked for hours. (Joey has lost interest and is watching the race again.) It is amazing to have someone give you such-such focused attention.
Phoebe: You don't need Janice for that, you've got us. We…
Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!
Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton!
Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.
Phoebe: Ohh, tough call.
[Scene: Doug's house, Chandler, Monica, and them are just finishing dinner.]
Doug: But seriously, I believe that we should all support President Clinton. And her husband Bill. (Chandler does the laugh.)
Kara: So how do you kids like your coffee?
Monica: Oh, none for me. Thanks.
Chandler: Just a little bit of sugar.
Doug: Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta sweeten it up, huh? (Once again, with the laugh.)
(Doug and Kara go get the coffee.)
Monica: (To Chandler) How does that laugh not give you a headache?
Chandler: Oh, you get used to it.
Monica: Y'know, I-I-I don't think that I can. So if you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things.
Chandler: So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal?
Monica: I'd rather hang out with a sniveling work weasel guy when I can be hanging out with my boyfriend who I actually respect.
Chandler: Oh. (Does a double take when he realizes what she just said.)
Doug: (entering) Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee. Y'know, I feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself. (Chandler does not laugh.) Did you hear what I said Bing?
Doug: The joke Bing. What's the matter with you?
Chandler: Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir.
Doug: Excuse me?
Chandler: Well, I just…
Monica: (interrupting) Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke.
Monica: Yeah! I mean it was really funny, I-I just don't think you got it. You see Kara's coffee is-is-is weak tasting, okay? But-but what Doug was-was imply that it was weak physically. You get it now honey?
Chandler: I think I do! (They all laugh.) Thank you, Monica.
Monica: I thought you could use the help.
Chandler: Coffee in a fight! (Does the laugh again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is going through the mail as Joey enters.]
Joey: (entering) Hey Rach! Hey, you mind if I read my comic books in here?
Rachel: Sure! Why?
Joey: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and it's kinda hard to concentrate.
Rachel: What?! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! She keeps lying to me! That's it! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go over there and confront them right now!
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's bedroom where she overhears Chandler and Monica talking.]
Chandler: (from his bedroom) All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell racist jokes now?!
Monica: Sorry! I'm just—I'm not very good at this! I'm a terrible liar and I hate having to lie to Rachel!
Chandler: But we're not ready to tell yet!
Monica: I know! It's just that…ever since high school Rachel was the one person I told everything too. Y'know? I miss that so much now. She's my best friend.
(Rachel decides not to confront them and starts to walk out, knocking over a lamp in the process.)
Monica: (entering) Joey?! Oh my God, Rachel!
Rachel: Hey! Hi!
Monica: Wh-wh-what are you doing here? (She tries to pull her shirt down to cover the fact that she's wearing men's boxers.]
Rachel: Well, I was actually—I-I came over here to-to borrow this lamp. To umm, look at my books, y'know, see them a little better.
Monica: Okay great!
Monica: Great! Umm, well what-what I was doing in Chandler's room is that umm, I was cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it!
Rachel: Oh! What a great way to earn some extra pocket money.
Monica: Y'know when I said to you earlier that I was at work umm, I'm at my new work.
Rachel: That's good enough. Right? (Pause.) Okay, well umm, I'm gonna go look at my books!
Monica: I'll get back to my new job.
Rachel: 'Kay. (Pause.) Congratulations on your new job. (She goes and hugs Monica and is almost in tears.)
(After she exits, Chandler enters.)
Chandler: Man, she is really gullible.
(Monica motions that it went right over Rachel's head.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Janice are sitting on the couch.]
Gunther: Here you go. (Serves them both some coffee.)
Janice: Actually, I should get going.
Ross: Are you sure? Because I can stay out as late as you want. I told you how I'm on sabbatical from work, right?
Janice: Yes! Yes! You did!
Janice: What is wrong now?!
Ross: This isn't what I ordered! Man! Can anything go right in my life?! First my marriage falls apart and then…
Janice: I know! I know! And then you lose your apartment! And then you lose your job! And then your ex-wife gets married so fast! And now the coffee—ahh!! Ross, we need to talk.
Ross: Okay. Sometimes I feel…
Janice: No-no-no, no. I'm going to talk. I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun.
Janice: (starting to cry) You're a very sweet person Ross, umm, unfortunately I don't think I can take another second of you whining!!
Ross: Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? (Janice makes an agreeing sound.) So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice.
Janice: Well yeah!!
Janice: Are you gonna be okay?
Ross: I am now.
Joey: Umm, hi.
Janice: Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey. (Laughs and exits.)
(Joey looks at Ross with a horrified look on his face.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is reading a magazine as Ross hands him a beer.]
Ross: Dude, we got to talk.
Ross: I just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else and I hope this isn't too weird, but uh, I had uh, a thing with Janice. (He laughs, his real laugh this time.) What you're-you're not mad?
Chandler: Why would I be mad?
Ross: Well, because y'know there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to.
Chandler: (realizes what Ross just said and the implications to him) I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you.
Chandler: I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent free!
Ross: All right.
Chandler: And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty (counts his money) seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it down—let's write it down!