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老友记第五季The One With Joey Bag

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难以置信,你以前居然从来没有给我按摩过! 太爽了,莫妮卡爽死了! 哦!看表,时间到!轮到你给我按! 这么快就半小时了? 这可是你的闹钟。 你知道我这人不爱吹牛,但我的按摩技术天下无敌! 好吧,那你让我享受享受! 很棒吧,对不对? 太“棒”了,我何德何能该享受这种待遇呢? 向肌肉酸痛说再见吧! 再见了肌肉!! 告诉你说,她是史上最滥的按摩师了!! 她简直就像在逼供! 我好想招供——可我就是不知道她想问什么情报! 钱德, 如果真那么痛你跟她直说好了。 我这辈子头一次真正投入一段感情。那, 我可不想一拍两散,就因为说了老实话。 哇,花花公子,你小心点!差点把我的帽子踩扁啦! 对不起。 兔子呢,变没了吗? 你是不是该解释一下为什么戴这顶帽子呢。 哦!好的。 我不是有一出新戏要试镜吗?我要争取的角色是个国际性的酷男, 整个一个衣架子。所以我想当天来试镜的人 大约都会穿上这种潮流尖端的服饰。 你是不是想把他们全都变没了。 哼,难道你还能找出这么高级的帽子吗? 有了。 乔伊, 如果你真想玩帅,你到我们店里来我帮你打扮啊。 - 好极了!谢谢瑞秋! - 举手之劳! - 天啊,把这些帽子摘下来! - 好罢。 - 嘿,菲比,今儿个怎么样?- 嘿。 嘿! 恩,一般。 因为我刚从医院回来。 - 什么?- 没事吧?- 你病了吗? 是啊,不,不,我很好。我没病,但,恩,我祖母过世了。 菲比!这真让人难过。 这没什么,我是说她这辈子挺丰富多彩的。 而且这也算不上永别,她还会来找我嘛。 是啊,没准,没准她现在就和我们在一块呢? 对,她升天头一天没准会上咖啡馆逛逛! 诸位!诸位!我刚看见就在门外的一辆车上有两人正乱搞呢。 呃,菲比的祖母刚刚过世了。 哦天哪,我很抱歉。 没事。事实上,你知道,这还挺酷的。 因为,你知道的啊,一个生命终结了,而另一个生命才刚刚开始。 怪不得门外那两人在忙乎。 她怎么了,怎么去世的? 是这样,恩,我们在市场的时候,她弯腰拿一块酸奶酪, 结果就再也没能站起来了。 菲比,我真替你难过。 很可爱呢,她跟我讲的最后一句话是:“好了亲爱的,” “你去取鸡蛋,我去拿酸奶酪, 我们在收银台回合。” 你猜怎么着? 我们果真在收银台回合了。 好了乔伊,你记住因为你试镜完了以后要把这身行头全退给我, 所以你必须穿内裤。 好吧,那你也给我拿一些内裤选选好吧。 好,怎么总觉得差了点什么。 哦,有了!恩,没错。 你不说笑?坤包? 这可不是坤包。 这是挎包。 这是女人背的嘛。 错了乔伊,你看。信我,春季产品目录里所有男人都背包。你看。 看呀,男人, 挎着包。 看呀,女人,挎着包。 不过还真是奇了,女人背的包在我身上这么好看,我是男人啊。 没错!两性通用(Unisex,听来像你需要过性生活)! 你才需要性呢。我前两天刚刚做过。 不是!乔伊你听错了!(拼字)U-N-I-sex. (听来像你和我上床) 好啊,那我倒不会拒绝。 - 谁啊?- 菲比。 哦太好了! 哦,怎么是你。 恩,找我有事吗? 恩,我带了坏消息来,我能进来吗? 恩,进来吧,还是别进来吧,谢谢。 恩,好吧。 恩,祖母去世了。 哇,她不是五年前就死了吗? 不对,她今天才死的。 恩,明天我们要举行葬礼。 好吧,我早就参加过她的葬礼了。 你没有参加过! 是吗,那是谁死了五年了呢? 很多人都死了五年了! 说吧,你到底来不来参加葬礼? 恩,还是算了。 我以为她早死了所以我的心情很平静。 另外,明天我还要去听音乐会,所以 我想邀请你也去,不过呢,我只有两张票。 好吧,好好享受你的音乐会吧。 谢谢!你也好好享受葬礼吧。 嘿! 哇!你看起来跟你儿子好像,崔比昂尼太太! 什么?你是说我的男用挎包吗? 起初我以为它只是漂亮,没想到还非常实用。你看看! 里面有隔层,什么都能装! - 钱包,钥匙,地址簿! - 还可以放化妆品呢! 乔伊, 你现在背着包干嘛?不是明天才试镜么? 是啊,但是现在我该吃三明治了。 乔伊, 你得明白包上粘上一点芥末可就不能退了。 我为啥要退呢?我爱死这个包了! 好吧,那给我350块。 没问题! 你收维萨卡还是万事达卡? 乔伊ˇ 好吧别紧张,我会用演这个戏的片酬付包钱的。 托你的福我一定能得到这个角色。 是什么样的角色,男性反对者吗? 嘿,别听他们乱说,我觉得这非常性感。 中性的性感? 你好,潘内拉夫人,谢谢你前来! 请拿好,这是你的立体眼镜。 彭牧师会告诉你什么时候戴上它。 - 你好啊宝贝!- 嘿,你还撑得住吧? 菲比,我很难过。 嘿,我祖母有和你一样的包包! 看,我买了花送给你。 谢谢! 从里面拖出一束花总算让这个包平添了几分阳刚之气。 哦,对不起,请原谅,这里是不是追悼会啊? - 是的,欢迎。- 你好。你好。 - 恩,请拿好你的立体眼镜。- 哦,恩,好的。 请问您是怎样认识我祖母的? 我事实上,我真的,我已经多年没见过她了。 不过呢,恩,我和她及她女儿一度关系密切。 是吗?! 您的姓名? 恩,弗兰克·巴费 我刚才乱讲的,我的名字其实叫乔。 呃,乔,恩,希尔。 你就是弗兰克·巴费? 小声点!我不是! 我叫乔·希尔! - 可你刚才说- 我得走了。 多谢你光临。 哦上帝啊! - 怎么了?! 怎么啦宝贝?- 发生什么事了? 那是我爸爸! 哦天啊! 嘿你们看,看呀。 好象近在眼前。 - 哦,你追上他了吗?- 追上了。 他说什么了?! 他说,“碰到你很高兴,格兰达。” 很明显我不能告诉他我的真名。 为什么?! 为什么不行?! 算了吧,你们都看到他从这落荒而逃的狼狈样! 还能怎么样?难道要他呆在这里和他遗弃的女儿回忆往事吗? 你跟他怎么说呢? 我说,我告诉他说,我是弗兰西丝的遗嘱执行人。我得跟他谈谈。 所以一小时后我要和他在咖啡馆见面。 请大家就座。 好了,现在我不能分心。 我想和祖母好好道个别。 好。 好,我们去送别吧。 嘿!我要去试镜了!我看来帅吗? 啊,帅翻了!有了这个包,你稳操胜券! 还会有男人找你约会的! 告诉你说,随你怎么调侃吧,这个包我就是喜欢,听清了吗? 而且它越来越好用! 你不能理解的事不一定就是错的!知道了吗? 从现在起你们最好习惯这个事实,那就是乔伊 挎着个包! 好了,我也该走了。我得和我父亲谈谈。 哦,菲比,你打算说什么呢。要告诉他你的身份吗? 恩,不,刚见面我不会讲,会吓坏他的。 好吧,但你难道不气他吗?这人抛弃了你们啊! 如果换作我的话,这人起码落个残废! 我是说,我会走上前去叫,“你!爸爸!” “和我出去单挑!” 我吓着我自己了。 喔,你起码还是吓着人了。 有意思,你觉得我应该生气。你认为我该把他的小脑袋拧下来。 幸运的是,我克服了这种情绪。 菲比,你看来有点紧张。 来,我帮你忙。 哦,手拿开。哇喔!停手! 为什么?!你为什么这样对我?! 你说什么? 作为按摩师,作为人类,我请求你, 千万别再对任何人下这样的毒手了! 我按摩技术很高! 每次瑞秋过敏我都给她按摩来着! 还有,还有钱德可喜欢让我按摩了!你看! 他——他不喜欢!他讨厌让你按摩!他满脸痛苦! - 他没有痛苦!- 是很痛! 什么?! 对不起,不过,喔-喔--喔! 你一直对我撒谎?我真不敢相信你这样对我。 我看,他也许只是不想伤害你的感情。 我们居然就开始互相欺骗了。 我说“我们”,其实是指我们这个小团体。 你准备好就开始吧, 乔伊. 我看你是新来的吧。 找张桌子,我请你喝点什么好吗。 对不起,你能否,能不能把你的坤包取下来试试。 好的。 我看你是新来的吧。找张—— 对不起,我能跟你谈谈吗? 行。什么事? 首先这不是个坤包, 好吧,随便你。 我是说你也许误认为这是个女人背的包,不是的,这是男用包! 好吧!! 开始! 好吧你看,我给你看产品目录! 看见了吧?呃? 这是最新的时尚!人人挎包!男人!女人!孩子!人手一个! 恩,你来推销包的吗? 不——不,不,这些包不用我推销也好卖。 好!谢谢你!很好! 行,但我还没念台词呢。 我们已经大饱眼福了! 好!好吧,再见。 这角色是我们的!这角色是我们的! 嘿,瑞秋在家吗? 不在。 听着,我只想为下午按摩的事道歉。好吗? 我——我其实喜欢你按摩。 哦,求你别说了! 我们说好彼此诚实的。 我只想听真话,“我不喜欢你按摩。” 我不喜欢你按摩。 看 没什么大不了的。 好,但是你哭起来了。 我没哭这个!我只是工作上不大顺心。 什么事? 我男朋友说他不喜欢我按摩。 没关系的,你不必事事都争第一。 哦上帝啊,你压根不了解我! 好吧好吧, 你的按摩全世界最差。 我已经哭了!! 好了,听我说,好吗? 你在滥按摩师中排名第一。 如果有人想在滥按摩师当中评选第一名,他们就会想 “谁排名第一呢?”结果一定是你。 嗯。所以你的意思是, 如果有最差按摩师大奖的话, - 谁会得奖呢?- 哦,一定是你! 你! 莫妮卡! 所有人都投你的票! 那么他们也许会把这个奖命名为“莫妮卡奖”? 绝对是! 那还差不多. - 我接受!- 乖! - 嗯, 谢谢您答应见我.- 谢谢你。 请坐。 坐下. 坐下! 嗯,好,在开始谈话之前,我需要你回答几个登记表上的正式问题。 你的确是弗兰克·巴费? 哦是的,是,是,我是。嗯—— 好。 那,弗兰西丝留什么东西给我了? 啊? 这不是你叫我来的理由吗? 哦,对啊,没错。 她留给你,嗯, 这支口红。 哦,呃。 这是,我看看, 哦,是用过的。 嗯,很棒。 好了,要填正式的表格我需要询问你几个问题。 问题一, 你和弗兰西丝的女儿丽丽结婚,对吗? 是,是的。 好,问题二, 嗯,婚姻以何种方式告终?选择A,愉快的; 选择B,一般的; 选择C,抛妻弃女? - 文件上真这么写?!- 是的,要看看吗? 好吧,我想我得选,C。 嗯,好,那就是“抛妻弃女”。 下面,抛弃妻女的理由? A. 高级机密的政府工作, B. 健忘症 或者C. 只因你是个自私、不负责任的父亲,是个坏男人? 我并不是很想得到这支口红。 不过,哦,你能帮我一个忙吗?嗯, 你能帮我把这个转交给丽丽吗? 什么?! 你看到丽丽请把这个便条交给她。我本想在葬礼上跟她谈谈, 不过当时你生气的样子让我害怕她也会对我发火,所以我溜了。所以, 呃,我写了张字条给她,你能转交吗? 你,你当时是去找丽丽的? 是的,怎么了? 丽丽死了。 她什么?! 她死了。 你确定? 如果她没死,那火葬她就是个大错误。 难以置信,我不敢相信。怎么会? 哦天哪。 她几时死的? 17年前。 哦! 那她的女儿们怎么办? 乌苏拉当女招待,她是自由业者。 而菲比呢, 就坐在这张沙发上。 对,口红和女儿,今天可真让你吃不消。 菲比,我,我,嗯, 哎呀. 我只是,我,我,不知道,我不知道说什么好。 我只是无法相信你是我女儿,你这么美。 是的,但你跑题了。 如果我说我非常抱歉当初撇下你们,你会不会好受点? 你知道吗,你现在说什么都无关紧要了, 你走吧。 好吧。 我得说我是个不称职的父亲。 你这算是为自己辩解? 是的。我烧糊了婴儿食物,还把你的尿布穿反了。 我编了首歌哄你入睡,结果你哭得更厉害了。 你还编了歌? 也不算吧,就是那首, 不过,听起来挺傻的。 让我想想,怎么唱的来着? 悃女儿,悃女儿,你为什么不入睡?(臭臭猫的调子) 悃女儿,悃女儿,你让我,你让我也睡不成!就是这样 我只是,不懂得表达感情,所以 那我来吧。 我也没准备好。还是算了。 嗨。 - 嘿!- 嘿,兄弟,试镜如何? 埃斯特拉说我没戏。 什么?! 为什么? 乔伊你再合适不过了! 是,我有同感。 不过她说选角的人对我有看法。 什么看法? 说老实话,他们,呃, 他们看不惯我的包! - 哦天哪!- 不! 我看,这反正是出愚蠢的戏,演不上也没什么! 乔伊, 我想是时候和这个包说再见了。 我可不想扔掉它。 我可以留着它对吗?瑞秋? 哦,你也认为我应该扔掉它! 宝贝别着急,乔伊,我认为你挎着它非常帅, 哦,这就对了! 我只是发现这个世界好象还没有准备好接受 你挎这个包 我不敢相信连你也这么说! 等一下!等一下!我并非说你不能有个包, 不过你也许该选用不那么有争议性的包 比较合适, 对,我们叫那种包为“钱包”。

The One With Joey's Bag

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, he is giving Monica a massage.]

Monica: I can't believe we've never done this before! It's sooo good! So good for Monica!

(Chandler picks up the timer being used and turns it to zero at which it chimes.)

Chandler: Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn!

Monica: That was a half an hour?

Chandler: It's your timer.

(They change places.)

Monica: Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages!

Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice!

(She starts the massage, only she is doing extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in pain.)

Chandler: Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!!

Monica: It's so good, isn't it?

Chandler: It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it!

Monica: Say good-bye to sore muscles!

Chandler: Good-bye muscles!!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.]

Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just—I didn't know what it was!

Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.

Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth.

Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey.

Joey: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat! (He picks a hat up from the floor. It's one of those magician stovepipe hats.)

Ross: Sorry.

Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)

Ross: (glaring at Joey) This would be the place where you explain the hat.

Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.

Chandler: And you're gonna make them all disappear.

Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.

(Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his head.)

Chandler: Done.

Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store? I'll help you out.

Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach!

Rachel: Sure! (Pause) God, please take those off!

Joey: All right.

(Both of them remove their hats as Phoebe enters.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I just got back from, from the hospital.

(All at once.)

Rachel: What?

Ross: Is everything okay?

Joey: Are you all right?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died.

Joey: Pheebs! Sorry!

Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit.

Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now?

Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse!

Monica: (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside.

Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died.

Monica: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like y'know, one life ends and another begins.

Monica: (to the guys) Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did she die?

Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again.

Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; "Okay dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter." And y'know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.

[Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is fixing Joey up with some new clothes.]

Rachel: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear?

Joey: All right, then you'd better show me some of that too then.

Rachel: Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay. (Goes and grabs a bag, that looks like a purse, and shows it to Joey.)

Joey: Really? A purse?

Rachel: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag.

Joey: It looks like a women's purse.

Rachel: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. Look. (Shows him.) See look, men, carrying the bag.

Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. (He puts it on his shoulder and looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man.

Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!

Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.

Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.

[Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is about to break the bad news to her sister. She knocks on the door.]

Ursula: Who is it?

Phoebe: It's Phoebe.

Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?

Phoebe: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in?

Ursula: Umm, yeah—no thanks.

Phoebe: Umm, well, umm Grandma died.

Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?

Phoebe: No, she just died today! Okay, umm, we're having a memorial service tomorrow.

Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.

Phoebe: No you didn't!

Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?

Phoebe: Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not?

Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So… I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.

Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. (Starts to leave.)

Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on the couch as Joey enters with his new bag.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

(As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice the bag and stare at each other in shock.)

Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani!

Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!

Ross: Your make-up!

Rachel: (entering) Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not until tomorrow.

Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. (Removes a sandwich and starts eating.)

Rachel: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.

Joey: Why would I return it? I love this bag!

Rachel: All right, then you owe me $350.

Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? (He's holding the fake credit cards that come with the bag.)

Rachel: (glaring at him) Joey…

Joey: All right relax, look I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get thanks to you.

Ross: What's the part, Anti-man?

Rachel: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.

Joey: U-N-I-sexy? (Smiles provocatively.)

[Scene: Phoebe's Grandmother's memorial, Phoebe is at the door welcoming people.]

Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look, here's your umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on.

(The gang arrives.)

Rachel: Hi sweetie!

Ross: Hey, how are you holding up?

Joey: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: (notices his bag.) Hey, y'know what? My Grandma had the exact same bag!

Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. (He pulls them out of the bag.)

Phoebe: Thanks!

Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.

(Another man, an older man, enters, looking around and bumps into Chandler.)

Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial?

(The gang moves off as Phoebe greets the new guest.)

Phoebe: Yeah, welcome.

Man: Hello. Hello.

Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses.

Man: Oh, umm, all right.

Phoebe: So how did you know Francis?

Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter.

Phoebe: Really?! What's your name?

Man: Umm, Frank Buffay.

(Needless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence. And one audience member gasps.)

Frank Sr.: (Seeing the look on her face) Y'know what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill.

Phoebe: You're Frank Buffay?

Frank Sr.: Shh! (Whispers) No! Joe Hill!

Phoebe: You just said…

Frank Sr.: Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming. (Hands back his glasses and hurries out.)

Phoebe: But…

(Phoebe takes one step after him and stops.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: What?! What honey?

Ross: What happened?

Phoebe: That was my dad!

Chandler: Oh my God!

(They all look down the hall he left from.)

Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) It's like it's coming right at me. (Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand to slap him in his face.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Funeral Home, continued from earlier. Phoebe is returning after looking for her father.]

Monica: Oh, did you catch him?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Ross: Wh-what did he say?!

Phoebe: He said, "Nice to meet you Glenda." (They stare at her, dumbfounded) Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name?

Rachel: Why?! Why not?!

Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!

Joey: What did you say to him?

Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I was the executor person of Francis' will and that I needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house later.

The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats?

Phoebe: All right, well, I just can't think about that right now. I just wanna say good-bye to my Grandma.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: All right, let's go say good-bye.

(They put on their glasses and try to find their way to their seats.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the funeral, everyone is there.]

Joey: (entering, with bag) Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look?

Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that part.

Chandler: And a date with a man!

Joey: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag! Okay? And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, (pats the bag) comes with a bag! (Exits.)

Phoebe: All right, I'd better go too. I have to go talk to my dad.

Rachel: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are?

Phoebe: Umm, no, not at first 'cause I-I don't want to freak him out

Ross: Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger! (Getting worked up) I mean I-I-I'd walk in there and I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You and me outside right now!" (Calming down.) I kinda scared myself.

Monica: Well, at least you scared someone.

Phoebe: Y'know it's funny, you'd think I'd be angry. I mean, you'd think I'd wanna rip his tiny little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it.

Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you.

Phoebe: All right.

(She goes over and tries to give Phoebe a massage. Phoebe yelps in pain and jumps away from her.)

Phoebe: Oh! Get off!! Ow!! Oh, stop it!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?!

Monica: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone!

Monica: (indignant) I give good massages! (Ross laughs.) I used to give them to Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler loves them! Watch! (She starts giving Chandler a massage.)

Phoebe: (seeing the look on Chandler's face) He-he does not like it! He hates it! He's in pain!

Monica: No he's not!

Chandler: (wincing) Yes, he is!

Monica: What?!

Chandler: I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww!

Monica: You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that.

Ross: Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other… (Pauses after she realizes what she's saying.) And by 'we' I mean society.

[Scene: Joey's audition, he is with bag.]

The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.

Joey: (reading from the script) Well, you must be new here. Why don't we get a table and I'll buy you a drink.

The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?

Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new here. Maybe we should—I'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a question.)

The Casting Director: Sure. What?

Joey: Well, first it's not a purse.

The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.

Joey: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's bag!

The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!

Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! (Does so.) See? Huh? It's the latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them!

The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags?

Joey: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves.

The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!

Joey: Yeah but I didn’t read anything.

The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!

Joey: Okay! All right, I'll see ya. (As he's walking off stage.) (Patting the bag.) We got it! We got it!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is poking his head in.]

Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here?

Monica: No.

Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.

Monica: Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you could tell me—just say, "I don't like your massages."

Chandler: (falling into that trap) I don't like your massages.

Monica: (starting to cry) See? It's no big deal.

Chandler: Okay, but now see you're crying!

Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at work.

Chandler: What?

Monica: (bursting into tears) My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages.

Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything.

Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all!

Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world.

Monica: I'm crying here!!

Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you.

Monica: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that?

Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes!

Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica?

Chandler: Absolutely!

Monica: Okay. I suck!

Chandler: Yeah! (They hug.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Frank Sr. is just arriving.]

Phoebe: Umm, thank you for meeting with me.

Frank Sr.: Thank you. All right.

Phoebe: Come, sit. (He's hesitant.) Sit. (Still hesitating.) Sit! (He sits on the arm of the couch.) Umm, all righty, before we get started I just—I need you to state for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay.

Frank Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm.

Phoebe: Okay.

Frank Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me?

Phoebe: Huh?

Frank Sr.: Well, that's why you wanted me to come, right?

Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeah—no. She did. She left you umm, (looking in her purse) this lipstick.

Frank Sr.: Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's (opens it) oh it's—ew used. Umm, cool.

Phoebe: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm going to get out my official forms. (She picks up a couple of crumpled receipts.) Okay, so, question 1) You and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct?

Frank Sr.: Yes, yes I was.

Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?

Frank Sr.: It really says that?!

Phoebe: Yeah. See? (Quickly shows him.)

Frank Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I would I would have to say C.

Phoebe: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A. Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man?

Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to leave.) But umm… Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.)

Phoebe: What?!

Frank Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me the way you got mad at me and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note, would you give it to her please?

Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly?

Frank Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why?

Phoebe: Lilly's dead. (He looks up in shock.)

Frank Sr.: She what?!

Phoebe: She's dead.

Frank Sr.: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Well, if she isn't then cremating her was a big mistake.

Frank Sr.: I can't believe this. I just—I can't believe this. How-how—Oh my God. How long ago?

Phoebe: 17 years ago.

Frank Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls?

Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.

(Silence ensues.)

Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you!

Frank Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, (Sits down next to her and brushes against her leg.) Oops. (He backs up.) I just, I-I-I-I don’t, I don’t know what to say. I just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty.

Phoebe: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there.

Frank Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very sorry that I left?

Phoebe: Y'know what, it doesn’t matter what you say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go.

Frank Sr.: All right. Well, y'know in my defense I was a lousy father.

Phoebe: That's a defense?

Frank Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that made you cry even more!

Phoebe: You make up songs?

Frank Sr.: Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Let's see, how did it, how did it go. Umm. (Singing.)

Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.
Why won't you go to sleep?
Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.
You're, you're, you're keeping me uppp! (Yeah, that's to the tune of Smelly Cat.)

Yeah.

(Phoebe is trying not to smile. He moves closer and very shyly holds out his hand and turns his head, hoping for Phoebe to take his hand. She doesn't.)

Frank Sr.: I just, I y'know, I'm not very good at this. So, umm… (Backs away.)

Phoebe: Well, I am. (Moves over and takes his hand.)

(She holds his hand for a little while then…)

Phoebe: Not yet, no. (Drops his hand and moves back.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey returns from his audition and finds everyone but Phoebe there.]

Joey: (dejected) Hi.

All: Hey!

Chandler: Hey man, how did the audition go?

Joey: Estelle said I didn't get it. (Sits down next to Rachel on the couch.)

Rachel: What?! Why? Joey you were so ready for it!

Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me.

Ross: What kind of problem?

Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause) they had a problem with the bag!

Chandler: Oh my God!

Ross: Nooooo!

Joey: Y'know what? It was a stupid play anyway!

Monica: Y'know, Joey, I think it's time to give up the bag.

Joey: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? (She's avoiding his eyes.) Oh, you think I should give up the bag!

Rachel: Honey wait, Joey, I’m sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are with it… (Looks for help.)

Chandler: Oh, hey! (Ross nods in agreement as well.)

Rachel: …I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag.

Joey: I can't believe I'm hearing this!

Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldn’t have a bag, I just—it's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, (Pause) controversial.

Chandler: Yeah umm, they're called wallets.

End

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