快看，丑陋裸男在把东西装箱！迹象表明，裸男兄弟好象要搬家。讽刺的是，多数箱子的标签上都注明是服装。哦，我会想念这个大屁股的。我也会想念炸鸡饭的。嘿！嘿！他搬走以后我可以求租他的公寓！好主意！说得没错！住你们对面太妙了！对！那我们就可以玩“电话游戏”了！就是两头各一个罐头、中间一线牵！或者我们也可以打打真的电话来交流。哦，包装带居然粘到他那里了！扯掉它，肥佬，扯掉它！哦他打算慢慢扯下来。换了我的话，我会飞快扯掉它的。就像那样！天哪，这间公寓让我非常满意！太完美了！以前居然从没注意到！那是因为大个裸男太抢眼了。令人惊讶!你最好赶快去填申请表！不然我要动粗了！我从来没想过，居然会用丑陋裸男的洗手间。看！莫妮卡和钱德就在对面!嘿！嘿！我在这儿！嘿！哦！！哦！！啊——！！啊！！ 钱德和莫妮卡!! 钱德和莫妮卡!!哦天啊！钱德居然和莫妮卡!!!!哦天啊！哦!!我的眼睛!!! 我的眼睛!!!!菲比!! 菲比!! 没事的!! 没事的!!不！他们居然在亲热!!!我知道！！我知道！！我知道！！你知道?!!!对，我知道！乔伊也知道！不过罗斯还蒙在鼓里所以你闭嘴！！怎么啦?哦！！嗨！！！嗨！什么事？什么？没什么！哦天啊，你搬来令我们兴奋得发狂！它看来很棒。来，你过来!!!那，每次莫妮卡和钱德谎称要去洗衣店，或者买日用品，还有哦，还有莫妮卡总是和露营时认识的所谓悲伤琳达讲那些电话！对啊，亲热，都是在电话里亲热。哦!哦，难以置信！太棒了！对钱德而言。莫妮卡本可以找到更好的。- 嘿姑娘们！- 乔伊! 上这儿来！怎么了? 什么事?菲比知道莫妮卡和钱德的事了。你是指他们仅仅是普通朋友吗？不，乔伊,她已经发现了！我们在丑陋裸男那边看房，那俩家伙正好在对窗鬼混！事实上，他们就贴着窗户在做爱哦。捉奸在窗！那现在他们知道你知情，但不知瑞秋也知情？对，不过那并不重要。既然这事已闹得尽人皆知，干脆告诉他俩好了！那他们就不必再撒谎或者故作神秘了！或者我们不跟他们摊牌，自己偷着乐乐。你想怎么样？以后他们再说要去洗衣店，我们就拿一大堆脏衣服成全他们。哦，太好玩了！别，别这样，瑞秋，你知道怎样才更好玩吗？跟他们摊牌。一点不好玩。那我们可以让摊牌变得好玩，像男声四重奏那样唱出来'我们知道、我们知道、我们知道！"呃，算了，我还是听菲比的妙计。我承受不了不！你什么都不必做！你只要不跟他们告密就成了！不!我无法保守更多的秘密了！我要守你的秘密，我要守他们的秘密，我自己还有秘密要守！你才没什么秘密呢！哦是吗？你就不知道我睡觉时搂着企鹅哈根斯的秘密吧？那么，我们怎样捉弄他们呢？你就利用室友的身份去探听，而我，会使用我的杀手锏那就是我的性感。孩子们好!嘿!好，看着，学着点，还有别动我的饼干。- 嘿.- 嘿!哦，你的外套可真帅！真的?面料很柔软——你好，二头肌先生！你最近在健身？我只是尝试把肌肉挤作一堆。你没什么不妥吧?你真想知道？我，我不能对你说。菲比, 我们一向无所不谈。事实上，我最不能告诉你，又最想向你倾诉。什么事?我和某人朝夕相处，却发现寻寻觅觅，最好的其实早在身边，就在这杯咖啡前——哦，我是否说漏嘴了？剪不断、理还乱，费思量你好可爱！你怎么能这么可爱？因为我祖父是瑞典人（音同最可爱），而我祖母是一只小兔子。现在你越发可爱了！！今天大家都这么说。什么?咖啡馆里出怪事了，我想菲比爱上我了。 你说什么呢？我是说，我想菲比认为我很迷人。不可能!哦!抱歉，但是菲比从来都觉得你可爱但不性感。哦，听你这么说、我可受不了。对不起，我想你误会她了。不，我没误会，她是在泡我！她抚摩我的二头肌还大喊大叫！这块二头肌吗？现在它没有鼓起来！为什么要你相信菲比喜欢上我就那么难？我没有不信天下的姑娘都为你疯狂小兔兔莫妮卡，你忙什么呢？要不要跟我们去看电影？我想去洗衣店。钱德,要不要跟我一起去？当然去。好极了，等一下！哦，给！你不介意帮我们带过去吧，这可帮了我们大忙！多谢！我没这么多硬币。我有!-好极！这下我们可以整晚洗衣！- 嘿!- 嘿 罗斯! 公寓的事谈得怎么样了?我打电话问过了，那房子丑陋裸男要自行转租，现在大约上百人在申请。没事，你们知道我与那帮人的分别在哪里吗？你的尿床史？我信任你才告诉你的！分别就是，我优势明显。这不大道德，不过我向他行贿以使他对我有好感。过来，你们也许可以从窗户看到我送的东西。哦，是不是那张挂着长弓的弹球机？不。新的山地车？不是。那你送的什么？迷你松饼篮。满桌子都是松饼篮，哪一个是你送的？小的那个。什么？！你居然以为一只小小篮子就可以帮你赢得公寓？没错！有一次上班，别人送我一篮松饼，结果所有人都很喜欢吃。那真是最棒的一天。你的工作令我悲伤。哦天啊!我很想要那房子！！我本以为那一招一定奏效！12块钱扔水里了！好了宝贝，我们得赶快，才赶得上电影。- 拜拜!- 拜拜!再见钱德!我已开始思念你。好，这下你看清了？！她捏我屁股！！我看见了!现在你信她被我迷住了？上帝啊！她知道咱们的事了！当真？菲比知道了，她在耍我们呢！这是唯一的解释！那你怎么解释她捏我屁股、夸奖我的二头肌发达呢？她知道了！乔伊!什么?菲比发现我们的事了!我没告诉她们！她们?! 她们是谁?呃,菲比和乔伊.乔伊!和瑞秋.我本想告诉你们，但她们要我发誓不泄密！！哦，你啊你!对不起！不过，这下什么事都没有了对吧！你们可以宣布你们都知道了，而我也不必再守什么秘密了！除非别!别“除非”了！游戏结束了！哦，她们自以为狡猾想玩我们！但她们不知道，我们已经知道她们知道了！那，对啊，整人的反被整！你们算了吧，我认为说清楚才最有趣。'我们知道、我们知道、我们知道！"什么?哦...这不是你的作风。哦罗斯,宝贝你别再自讨苦吃了！对，我们找别的房子好了。这月我看了一千所房子了，没有一个能和这个相比！除了一间，不过我不得不和亚美尼亚家族分享那房子。祖母真的很疼我。但我真想要裸男的公寓！！- 嗯?你应该投其所好。比如我如果要找乔伊要什么东西，我会用三明治来作开场白或者提及我的内裤我可听着呢。看见吧?好点子!我了解丑陋裸男，因为我们已经观察他五年了，我又有优势了！我想想看，他曾有一张蹦床，后来被他踩破了他买了双重力靴也被他穿破了就是说他喜欢弄破东西我要去接班了——我一定能想出他的嗜好的。嘿，他以前不是喂过猫吗？我不提这事，他只会让猫在外流浪。可怜的猫，他从没去接过它回家。你好!是的，别挂电话，她在这儿！是钱德.你好吗。你好菲比,我整天想着你。嗯?昨天你说了那番话，我不可能毫不动心。当真?对，听着，乔伊今晚不在，你过来，我让你好好摸摸我的二头肌或者到处摸摸。我呆会再联络你，好，拜拜！天啊，他让我过去摸他的二头肌和全身！- 你开玩笑?!- 没有!想不到他竟然背着莫妮卡乱搞——乔伊,他们知道我们知情了吗？- 他们不知道- 乔伊!- 他们知道你们知道了- 呃，我就说嘛我想说，谢天谢地，真相大白，终于结束了。不过我没有告密。哦，不敢相信他们俩这样对我们！天啊，他们还想耍我们！他们想耍我们！他们不知道我们知道他们知道我们知道了！乔伊, 你什么都不准说！我有这心也没这胆。早上好先生，我叫罗斯·盖勒我也申请了求租这间公寓。我知道竞争激烈，不过，抱歉，我忍不住注意到你全身赤裸我为你喝彩，我真希望自己也脱光光这样看起来棒极了上帝的本意就是要我们赤诚相对她们吓傻了！- 对, 她们退缩了！- 没错!好吧，好吧！他想约会对吧，那就和他约会。好，我去。好，骚一点。得了吧还用你教钱德, 我今晚准来。真的吗?一准来。七点如何？好。好，期待着和你大干一场。看！丑陋裸男有了个裸体朋友！对啊!天啊，那是我们的朋友！是裸体的罗斯!你还要一块小松饼吗？尝尝蓝莓味的，美味可口。演出开始了!- 瑞秋,给我来点香水！- 好！乔伊,给我一瓶酒和两只杯子！好的，谢谢。不过我要的是没有把手的“玻璃”杯子。我要的是酒不是橄榄油。好极了！你就假装真想和她上床，这会吓死她！我能和她疯到什么限度？放松点，她肯定会先投降的！你怎知?!因为你在我队里！我的队总是赢家！这种事上也赢?!上！放心上！好了宝贝，我就在这里偷听！- 好- 可以了吗?哇喔，等等!- 好主意! - 等一下!哦，别暴露太多！菲比.钱德.进来吧正有此意嗯，我带来美酒，共饮一杯如何？乐意之极。我们这样亲密，紧张吗？我？不紧张，你呢？不，我求之不得。我也是来点音乐？乔伊喜欢这样吓鸭子我来为你跳支舞好吗？你看来非常美谢谢！听你这么说，我真想扒光你的衣裳我们去睡房怎样？真的?哦，你不想吗？不！不，只不过，我想先脱光自己的衣裳，让你用润体露抹遍我全身听来很棒，我这就去拿润体露事情失控了！她想让我给她全身抹上润体露！她在虚张声势！她不会退缩的！她这样勾引我！我吓不着他！他去拿润体露了！对手是钱德,你能搞定他。还记得上次你随便几句话就把他弄哭了吗？你们怎么还没搞完？！我想坐回我的椅子！乔伊，你这样想，菲比越快搞定钱德，这事就越早结束。一切就都清楚了！我喜欢这样!好!给他看你的胸罩，他最怕这招，他应付不来的！哇，你没解扣子也能做到。又不是第一次做你回去引诱她，直到她认输！好，我镇定一下再去。你趁机打扫洗手间了？还用说！你，你要走吗？你不走我才不走呢，爱人 看，这是我的胸罩非常，非常漂亮过来非常高兴能和你上床那当然，我的身体极富柔韧性我现在要亲你了我先亲你当务之急是接个吻这就来了我们的初吻够了！你赢了！我不能和你上床！为什么不行?!因为我爱莫妮卡!!你什么?!我爱她! 没错！我就是爱她！我爱她！！我爱你, 莫妮卡.我也爱你，钱德.我，我只知道你们俩上过床了，但我不知道你们相爱了！老兄!向菲比脱帽致敬. 你是强有力的竞争对手你的胸脯至今还露在外面哦天啊!好吧！这下真相大白了！人人都知道了！事实上罗斯还不知道请大家不要告诉他就是这里，新的罗斯将在新的住处诞生.我一旦搬家就会请您和所有同事过来能看到你重新振作，我非常高兴我是振作了，过去的所有愤怒都已离我而去我想是时候欢迎你重新归队，回到博物馆的研究组里来了吧？唐纳德，那可太棒了。我已整装待发，准备回去工作。我——什么?不!你在干什么?!!离我妹妹远点!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The One Where Everyone Finds Out
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating some Chinese food.]
Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes!
(They all run and join her at the window.)
Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving.
Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes.
Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt.
Chandler: And we're done with the chicken fried rice.
Ross: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place!
All: Good idea! Yes!
Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys!
Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string!
Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.
[Scene: Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen.]
Ross: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is!
Rachel: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.
Phoebe: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it.
Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.)
Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. (Does so.)
Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!
Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!
Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!
Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!
Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!
Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!
Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!
Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!
Ross: (entering) What's going on?
Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!
Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!
Ross: What?! What?!
Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment!
Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)
Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)
(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there talking about Chandler and Monica.]
Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or—Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp!
Rachel: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
Rachel: Joey! Come here! Come here!
Joey: What? What?
Rachel: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler.
Joey: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? (Glares at Rachel.)
Rachel: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. (Joey gasps) Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.
Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!
Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.
Rachel: Wh-what do you mean?
Phoebe: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do.
Rachel: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that!
Joey: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them.
Rachel: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing.
Joey: I can't take any…
Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know!
Joey: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To Rachel) I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know!
Rachel: You don't have any secrets!
Joey: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Joey shies away.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them?
Phoebe: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate.
Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.
Chandler: (entering) Hello children!
Phoebe: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.
(She gets up and goes over to Chandler who's ordering some coffee from Gunther.)
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!
Phoebe: (feels his arm) Yeah the material feels so soft—hello Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out?
Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay?
Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm—Oh! I can't tell you this.
Chandler: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything.
Phoebe: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one person I want to the most.
Chandler: What's going on?
Phoebe: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don’t even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee—Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just something to think about. I know I will.
(She makes a show of bending over to get her coat and showing off her bum. She then walks out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.)
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler and Monica are there, of course. Like who else would it be, duh!]
Monica: You are so cute! How did you get to be so cute?
Chandler: Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.
Monica: Okay, now you're even cuter!!
Chandler: Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say.
Chandler: The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Chandler: I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.
Monica: That's not possible!
Monica: I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always thought you were, you were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way.
Chandler: Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough.
Monica: I'm sorry, I think that you just misunderstood her.
Chandler: No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud!
Monica: This bicep?
Chandler: Well it's not flexed right now!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there. Monica is entering from her room.]
Rachel: Hey Mon, what are you doing now? Wanna come see a movie with us?
Monica: Uhh, y'know actually I was gonna do some laundry.
Monica: Hey Chandler, wanna do it with me?
Chandler: Sure, I'll do it with ya.
Rachel: Okay great, hold on a sec! (She runs to her room and returns carrying a huge bag of laundry.) Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya? That would really help me out a lot! Thanks!
Monica: I mean I-I don't I think I have enough quarters.
Phoebe: I have quarters! (She holds up a bag of quarters.)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey Ross! Any word on the apartment yet?
Ross: Well, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants.
Ross: No-no, I got the edge. I know it's not exactly ethical but I sent him a little bribe to
tip the scales in my direction. Check it out, you can probably see it from the window. (They all head to the window.)
Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?
Chandler: That new mountain bike?
Monica: Well what did you send?
Ross: A basket of mini-muffins.
Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets. Which one did you send?
Ross: The small one.
Rachel: What?! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment?
Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
Chandler: Your work makes me sad.
Ross: Oh man! I want that place so much!! I was so sure that was gonna work! There's twelve bucks I'll never see again! (Exits.)
Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.
Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.)
Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!
Monica: Actually, I did!
Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?
Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Phoebe knows and she's just trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation for it!
Chandler: (a little hurt) Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps—She knows!
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is snoozing with Hugsy, his bedtime penguin pal and Chandler and Monica come storming in.]
Chandler: (entering) Joey!
(Joey quickly tries to hide Hugsy by throwing it over his head.)
Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!
Joey: Well I didn't tell them!
Monica: Them?! Who's them?
Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
Chandler: Oh man!
Joey: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? Because you can tell them that you know they know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!
Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now!
Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So…
Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is looking at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment through binoculars.]
Rachel: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself!
Phoebe: Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment?
Ross: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one!
Rachel: Y'know what you should do?
Rachel: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear.
Joey: I'm listening.
Rachel: (To Ross) See?
Ross: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline.
Phoebe: He broke that.
Ross: Well, he had gravity boots.
Rachel: Yeah, he broke those too.
Joey: So he likes to break stuff.
Ross: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. (He opens the door and stops.) Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out.
Joey: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming.
Ross: Right. (Exits.)
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello! (Listens) Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here! (To Phoebe) It's Chandler.
Phoebe: (in a sexy voice) Oh? (Takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello you.
Chandler: Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that Monica can hear it as well.)
Chandler: Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.
Chandler: Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.
Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
Rachel: Are you kidding?!
Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?
Joey: They know you know.
Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!
Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything!
Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too.
[Scene: Outside Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross is knocks on the door and Ugly Naked Guy answers it. He's ugly. He's naked. And he's holding a huge jumbo soda.]
Ross: Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller. I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is fierce but—I'm sorry. I, I can't help but notice you're naked and (He claps his hands.) I applaud you. Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this looks so great. That is how God intended it.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are planning their respective strategies to break the other pairing. Joey is not amused.
Monica: (in the kitchen with Chandler) Look at them, they're-they're panicked!
Chandler: Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down!
Monica: Oh yeah!
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: All right. All right! If he wants a date? He's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in.
Rachel: All right. Be sexy.
Phoebe: (laughs) Please.
(She saunters over to Chandler with a mean pair of 'Come hither' eyes and she glares at Monica.)
Phoebe: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight.
Chandler: (initially worried, but gets over it) Really?
Phoebe: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven?
Phoebe: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.
(As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream to Monica. How motions and mouths, "It's okay, it's okay.")
Joey: (looking out the window) Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend!
(They all run over to the window.)
Rachel: Oh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That is our friend! (Monica covers her face.) It's Naked Ross! (Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's shoulder.)
All: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Phoebe ready for her date.]
Rachel: Show time!
Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume!
Rachel: Okay! (She runs to get some.)
Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? (He begrudgingly does so.)
(In the meantime, Rachel has returned with the perfume and sprays a mist out in front of Phoebe who walks through the mist and does a little spin.)
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Monica is getting Chandler ready for his half of the plan.]
Monica: All right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have sex with her! It'll totally freak her out!
Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?
Monica: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do!
Chandler: How do you know?!
Monica: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins!
Chandler: At this?!
Monica: Just go get some! (Kisses him.) Go! (She runs to hide in the bathroom.)
[Cut to the hallway, Phoebe is outside getting some last minute instructions from Rachel.]
Rachel: (handing her the wine) Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here!
Rachel: Okay? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one button on Phoebe's dress.)
Phoebe: Good idea!
Rachel: Yeah, oh wait! (She goes for another one.)
Phoebe: Oh now, don't give away the farm!
(Phoebe knocks on the door with the wine and Chandler answers it. Rachel hides next to the door.)
Chandler: Come on in.
Phoebe: I was going too. (They go inside and he closes the door.) Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some?
(She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.)
Phoebe: So, here we are. Nervous?
Chandler: Me? No. You?
Phoebe: No, I want this to happen.
Chandler: So do I.
(They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.)
Chandler: I'm gonna put on some music.
Phoebe: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you. (She starts doing a rather suggestive and seductive dance that's silly at the same time.)
Chandler: You look good.
Phoebe: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!
Chandler: Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom?
Chandler: Oh, do you not want to?
Phoebe: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me.
Chandler: (swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion.
[Cut to the bathroom, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!
Monica: She's bluffing!
Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)
[Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.]
Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.
Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair!
Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)
Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons.
Joey: It's not my first time.
[Cut to the bathroom.]
Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!
Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?
Monica: Of course.
[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.)
Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going?
Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.
Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex.
Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now.
Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.
(They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)
Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.
Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!
Phoebe: And why not?!
Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!!
Phoebe: You're-you're what?!
(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)
Chandler: Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.
Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)
Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!
Chandler: And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts are still showing.
Phoebe: God! (She turns and buttons up.)
Joey: All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!
Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't.
Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
(Joey suddenly gets very angry.)
[Scene: Ross's new apartment, he is showing his boss, Dr. Ledbetter his new place and new outlook on life.]
Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished.
Dr. Ledbetter: I must say it's nice to see you back on your feet.
Ross: Well I am that. And that whole rage thing is definitely behind me.
Dr. Ledbetter: I wonder if its time for you to rejoin our team at the museum?
Ross: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. I—What? (He notices something through the window.) No! Wh… What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!