姓钱的!我全都看见了！你竟敢对我妹妹下手！给我滚出来!哇，听着，我们很恩爱长达4个——哦，5个月之久好多人一辈子也没有这么多欢乐时光再见了，你保重你干嘛？我要跑路了怕什么，钱德，说服罗斯还不是小菜一碟你等一下什么事，哥哥你们在搞什么飞机出什么事了？罗斯发现了我和莫妮的奸情伙计，你怎么当着他的面这么说！我一直当你是我最好的朋友！她可是我妹妹!我最好的朋友、泡我妹妹！我不敢相信!我们并不是鬼混而已我爱她对，我们在恋爱很抱歉，让你这样发现但他没撒谎，我也爱他最好的朋友和我妹妹好上了我真不能相信!你们不拥抱一下吗？这可是个好消息!不抱了，其实我们知道好一阵子了什么？你们都知道？你们都知道，就只瞒着我？我们担心你的反应嘛你们都担心我不知道我会有什么反应？够了我们都回避一下，让这对小鸳鸯办完事如何我说说而已，泡你妹妹的可是他！我刚刚想起来将来你们生了小孩什么？我们生孩子？我要当他的教父！你说当就当啊我是近水楼台，当然我当真想当你就得报名-诸位，你们扯远了-是啊，这一步迈太大了，就像登月的第一步我想好送你们什么结婚礼物了-我跟你一起送，我还没想到送什么礼物-好凯蒂各位，她叫凯蒂准备好出发了吗-恩，我得先去趟洗手间-在那边午餐上哪儿吃呢中国菜怎么样？我喜欢中餐!你怎么知道我喜欢中餐的？她很可爱你可以把她装在口袋里到处走是吗，我是喜欢她，她很乖，但-我不知道我很喜欢她，她也很好，但——-什么？她一直捶我又不是真打你，她只是撒娇罢了捶在身上很痛的！我要受内伤了我明白你需要什么了你需要请个保镖让班在幼儿园放学后就给他当保镖怎么样别闹了，乔伊有困难，人家被小妹妹欺负呢乔伊乖，过来亲爱的，我知道你很难办对不起，我弄疼你了吗？我带了礼物，恭贺乔迁之喜盐，为你的生活添滋味面包，让你远离饥饿还有盥洗室适用的香味蜡烛你知道它派什么用场对吧谢谢，非常感谢欢迎入住，我是居委会主任Steve Sarah罗斯盖勒，这是我朋友，菲比-菲比你好-主任好我来跟你讲讲Howard的事他是这里的勤杂工，下星期退休这里的住户为了感谢他的辛勤劳动，一人捐给他100元好主意你是签支票，还是？你不用马上掏钱，呆会塞到我门缝底下就可以了不是时间的问题我才刚搬进来他在这里服务25年了对，但我才来住了25分钟而已好，我明白了别走! 我很抱歉，但我和Howard没打过照面我压根不认识他Howard是勤杂工是，但他对我而言，只是个陌生人罢了好，算了，总之欢迎入住本大厦这人可真是异想天开！是啊，我喜欢他的眼镜之后Steve主任就到处讲我吝啬现在整幢大厦都讨厌我还有小孩朝我膝盖上吐口水猜我怎么办我会办个盛大的派对，邀请大厦里所有人参加我要和他们坐下来好好谈谈，让他们知道我不是坏蛋我不抠门，我只是坚持信念而已我是个有原则的人听来是个好玩的派对要讨邻居们的欢心，为什么不干脆付那100块算了开派对花费多得多不是钱的问题我要坚持原则! 懂吗，处事原则不能变！我还以为你只是想讨好邻居他们会喜欢我的，只要他们来参加我办的派对我得走了，去搞个名牌来带那个派对疯子将是你的舅子有趣。不过请别在莫妮面前提这碴我可不想你们给她灌输什么想法钱德，你说莫妮会不会早有什么想法了？怎么讲？哎，因为她爱你，因为你也爱她相爱又如何？钱德你别怕，我要说的其实你也都清楚她离开理查德德，只是因为他不想要孩子她是个女人，年近30。而且你了解莫妮的我没这么想过我看到两个莫妮一个是住在对面的我的朋友，热衷生小孩一个则是全新的莫妮，我的约会对象她要什么、难道我会不了解？我对她的看法是对的我是对的，对吧你是对的你当然对了，那还用问。她和以前完全不同了其实没什么“不同”，对吧除非“不同”等于“相同”你跟那侍应生一起，好有趣。你这个小笨蛋哪儿的侍应生都很有趣不，因为你、他才那么好玩有趣的是你！凯蒂，我们得谈谈我喜欢你。我真的，很喜欢你但有时候你开玩笑，捶我一拳我就有被什么小而结实的球棒击中的感觉我打伤你了吗？你还不是取笑我不够大以后不许再拿我开玩笑!-棒吧？-恩你会永远这么可爱吗永远陪在我身边，好吗好啊，陪你天涯海角你没事吧？我很好很放松你什么意思？我谈恋爱而已啊，和我喜欢的女孩找乐子-我就知道你会这样！-哪样？大家一拿婚姻开玩笑，你就惊慌了!哎，你的确有那些想法对吧哼，你会知道我想什么？对! 你想生宝宝，你有小孩狂热症!胡说！你渴望结婚生子与此相关的一切事，你都很狂热厨师小姐，我们冷静一下好不好不冷静的是你问题不在我。是你害怕承诺算了，我了解你，我知道你都想些什么你什么也不知道今晚我要跟瑞秋出去，而不是跟你，这你不知道吧？要说小孩，这里唯一的小孩就是你我现在连看都不愿看你一眼，你又知道吗我不知道我们会没事的，对吧她不会因此离开我，这矛盾是可调和的是啊，当然咯我应该认错？-不-你得非常真诚的道歉才有用对，要非常真诚她来了!阿甘，一杯咖啡带走我还是不想跟你说话-我该怎样做，我们才能和好？-什么？我们不是一直这样吗？我犯错以后你就告诉我怎么改我改好了你就又喜欢我了是吗，可我不想教你怎么谈恋爱了你自己想清楚吧假如你害怕真正的交往就别再烦我Howard! Howard!-菲比-嗨，罗斯!你在这里做什么？我来参加你的派对，没想到这是Howard的派对他十分可爱再见了，菲比谢谢你慷慨解囊你捐钱了？恩，捐了100块真不能相信，你居然给他们钱我本以为你也反对他们找我收钱呢但他们没找我收钱我只是摆阔的陌生人而已，很有趣但你的做法让我更没面子了不，我没有! 我的用意是给你脸上争光他们看到你跟我说话，你就——哇，我是大红人嘿，菲比!嘿，罗斯也许你们俩可以换房子住，菲比才是我们的同类考虑考虑吧我错了你……强壮多了谢谢，我一直在健身看得出来吗，我穿了六件衣服看不出，为什么穿那么多我打算跟凯蒂分手，所以穿上特别的护甲想想看，她高兴时打我都那么痛当我表示要跟她分手，她还不使蛮劲？嘿，很可爱的外套谢谢，你嘴真甜嗷！乔伊把他的口头禅教你了？你们真过分!凯蒂，过分的是你!乔伊的朋友可真够意思乔伊的女朋友也很够意思你嘴甜!你才甜呢!她踢我！你不帮我？你再不出手，我马上走人！-帮还是不帮？-不糟糕透了，我要走了！别，我正跟大家讲你的好话呢给我点时间，放松点，去吃点东西你跟他们说我什么事说了你和爱米丽的事赚取同情分-结果他们觉得你是坏人-什么？我好象没讲对我们理一下事情的来龙去脉，因为我并不是很清楚你们的纠葛这蛋糕真好吃!你会慢慢愉快起来的天啊! 有人偷吃Howard的蛋糕谁这么不要脸3楼B座的家伙！你吃白食，你扫大家的兴你还不赶快滚回家去！滚回3楼B座去！各位，冷静！我有话要说谁喜欢罗斯？当然你们都不喜欢他他不捐钱在我刚才发问时，只有他自己举手而且他还带两个名牌！老实说，我第一次见到罗斯时，我也一点都不喜欢他！直到我了解他后，我才发现他其实很可爱体贴而且慷慨试着去了解罗斯，不要妄下定论这正像我对在座诸位的看法。现在我喜欢你们。但初次见面时Kurt, 我当你是个醉鬼Lola呢迟钝麻木至于你们，你像用美人计骗钱的女人你则是老牛吃嫩草现在你们明白我的意思了吧真没想到他们会扔烂西红柿我本打算把他们挨个羞辱一番，然后你跳出来为他们说好话充好汉好办法！可惜我没想到莫妮呢？我要跟她谈谈，很急我是莫妮我要跟你谈谈，急事我一直在考虑我们的事我想了很多我想补救的唯一方法是你干嘛？别那样你愿意嫁给我吗？馊主意看不下去了你干吗求婚我不知道但我现在知道了，求婚不可怕我求婚是因为我很抱歉你认为结婚的最佳理由是“抱歉”？最好的理由应该是“怀孕”“抱歉”排第四位，第2位是“准备好了”；第3位是“真心想结婚”做我妻子，好吗？你用脑子想想，这有多荒谬真希望大家什么都没看见这次吵架完全不是因我而起！我从没说过我要结婚生子!是啊，但我不能确定，所以找他们请教找谁请教？离婚两次的家伙？还有乔伊？她说得对就算对，也太刻薄了还记得我说过让你自己想清楚吗？我看你还没这个能力的确是的天啊刚才我若答应你求婚，你会怎样做？也许，我会非常开心因为能和我心爱的女人共度余生也许，你现在会看到大门上有我落跑时撞出的大洞把刀递给我好吗？不好！不递算了，凶什么是啊，很抱歉，你愿意嫁给我吗？我想跟你求婚，因为上星期我还没跟你问好那么点小事，要求同居就够了。对吧，钱德你们还要闹多久他们笑你多久和你做的事有多蠢成正比，他们会笑很久的有趣!记得我总说“我们分手了！”吗抱歉，你愿意嫁给我吗-不好笑-一点也不好笑
The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey
[Scene: The hallway, Ross is running up the stairs. Note: This show continues where the last one left off.]
Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!
Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)
Monica: What are you doing?!
Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?
(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)
Ross: What the hell are doing?!!
Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?!
Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.
Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there!
Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!
Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.
Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too.
(There's a brief pause.)
Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.) (To Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!
Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while.
(There's another pause as Ross gets angry again.)
Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew? (Joey and Rachel backup against the door.) You all knew and you didn't tell me?!!
Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how you were going to react.
Ross: (happily again) You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react? (He hugs them both.)
Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares at him.) Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Ross: Hey, you know what I just realized? If you guys ever have kids…
Chandler: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?!
Joey: (quickly) I call Godfather!
Ross: You can't just call Godfather. Don't you think her brother should be Godfather?
Joey: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first.
Monica: Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us.
Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps.
Rachel: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you.
Phoebe: Ooh, I'll go in on that with you! I couldn't think of anything.
(A girl enters.)
Joey: (to her) Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie.
Joey: So, are you ready to go?
Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.
Joey: Oh sure, right back there. (Points.)
Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch?
Joey: I was thinking Chinese food.
Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?! (She hits him repeatedly as she says that.)
(She heads to the bathroom and Joey sits back down.)
Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket!
Joey: I don't know. I mean I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but…
Monica: But what?
Joey: (shyly) She keeps punching me.
(They all laugh.)
Monica: In that cute, little, sweet way she just did?
Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks! Okay? (Quietly) She-she-she's hurting me.
Monica: I know what you need, you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?
Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up.
Rachel: Aww, Joey, come here. (She takes his hand.) Look honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you and I--Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you?
[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's unpacking after moving in. There's a knock on the door and he answers it.]
Ross: (opens it to reveal Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! I brought you some house warming gifts.
Phoebe: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has flavor.
Phoebe: Bread, so you never go hungry.
Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, y'know.
Ross: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again.
(The door across the hall opens and a guy walks into Ross's apartment.)
Guy: Welcome to the building. I'm uh, Steve Sarah; I'm president of the tenants committee.
Ross: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend Phoebe.
Steve: Oh hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: Mr. President.
Steve: I came to talk to you about Howard.
Steve: Yeah, he's the handy man. He's gonna be retiring next week and everyone who lives here is kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the hard work type of thing.
Ross: Oh that's nice.
Steve: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check? Or…
Ross: Oh. Uhh…
Steve: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me right now! You can slip it under my door. (Points to his apartment across the hall.)
Ross: No-no, it's not that, it's just… I-I just moved in.
Steve: Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years.
Ross: Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes.
Steve: Oh, okay, I get it. (Starts to leave.)
Ross: No wait, look. Look! I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met Howard. I-I mean I don't know Howard.
Steve: Howard's the handy man!
Ross: Yes but too me he's just, man.
Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building. (Exits.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) Ugh, can you believe that guy!
Phoebe: Yeah. I really like his glasses.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is lamenting to Chandler and Rachel about his troubles in his new building.]
Ross: …so then President Steve told everyone that I was a cheapskate, and now the whole building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee! Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone in the building, and I'm gonna sit them down and explain to them, I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles.
Chandler: (To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party.
Rachel: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why don't you just pay the hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way more than that.
Ross: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're talking about my principles!
Rachel: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you.
Ross: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags. (Exits.)
Rachel: And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law.
Chandler: Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head.
Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head.
Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her.
Chandler: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?!
Rachel: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. And she's a woman, and she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica.
Chandler: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I’m right. I'm right. Am I right?
Rachel: No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different.
Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it?
Rachel: Not unless different means the same.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is sitting on the couch with Katie.]
Katie: You were so funny with that waiter! You're such a nut! (She slaps her thighs, Joey jerks, and spills some of his coffee.)
Joey: (sets the coffee down) Y'know, breadstick fangs are always funny.
Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one! (She punches him again and he retreats to the arm of the couch.)
Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat.
Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me because of my size! (She punches him again and almost knocks him off the arm of the couch.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Monica are curled up on one of the chairs.]
Monica: Isn't this great?
Monica: Couldn't you just stay like this forever? (His eyes snap open.) Chandler! Couldn't you just stay here forever?
Chandler: Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever. (Gets up.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I'm cool. Casual.
Monica: What-what are you doing?
Chandler: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually.
Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!!
Monica: Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff.
Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right?
Monica: Oh and you know what I want!
Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever!
Monica: I do not have baby fever!
Chandler: Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?!
Monica: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me! This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap!
Chandler: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head!
Monica: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I can't even look at you right now?! (She storms out.)
Chandler: Well, I did not know that.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting advice from Ross and Joey.]
Chandler: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable.
Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely.
Chandler: By me?
Ross: Oh, no!
Ross: Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture.
Joey: Yeah, big!
Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses.
Monica: Gunther, can I get a coffee (Looks at Chandler) to go?
Chandler: Monica. (Goes to talk to her.)
Monica: I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you.
Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right.
Chandler: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again.
Monica: Really? I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're gonna have to figure this one for yourself. All right? Y'know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one. (She walks out.)
(Chandler turns to watch her go and then sees Ross and Joey both with huge grimaces on their faces.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's having his party, only he's the only guest. He gets up and puts on a nametag that says Ross, but doesn't quite like it. So he takes it off and puts on one that says Dr. Geller and he puts the Ross one underneath the Dr. Geller one. Then as he turns off the music, we hear the party for Howard raging in the apartment across the hall.]
Party Guests: (chanting) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (Ross goes to investigate the noise) Howard! Howard! Howard! (They're holding Howard above their heads.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (He sees Phoebe chanting along with them.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!!
Ross: Phoebe! (He grabs her arm to get her attention.)
Phoebe: Oh, hi Ross!
Ross: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out it’s a party for Howard. He's just the sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.)
Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for chipping in!
Ross: You chipped in?!
Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars.
Ross: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money!
Phoebe: Yeah, but they didn't ask me! Y'know? This way I'm just y'know, the exotic, generous stranger. That's always fun to be.
Ross: Yeah, but you're making me look bad!
Phoebe: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making you look better! They'll see you talking to me and that's--I'm a hit!
Steve: (walking up) Oh hey, Pheebs!
Steve: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments because Phoebe's more our kind of people. Something to think about. (Walks away.)
(Ross turns and glares at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, my bad.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is getting some coffee as Joey enters. He's looking a little puffy, but that's probably from the large number of different color sweaters he's wearing.]
Rachel: Hi! Wow! You look, you look…big.
Joey: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters?
Rachel: Uhhh, yeah. But it's not obvious why.
Joey: Well look, I’m breaking up with Katie so I had to put on some extra padding. Y'know? I mean, if she hits me when she's happy, can you imagine how hard she's gonna hit me when I tell her I'm taking away the Joey love?
Katie: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hey! Hiya!
Rachel: Hey! Hey, cute jacket!
Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet! (She punches Rachel like she punched Joey.)
Rachel: Oh! Ow! (Joey motions, "You see what I mean?!")
Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, (Punches Joey) are too much! (Punches Rachel.)
Rachel: Whoa! (Laughs) Y'know what Katie? I gotta tell ya I-I-I-I think you are the one who is too much. (She punches Katie back.)
Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! (She punches Rachel.)
Rachel: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! (She retaliates.)
Katie: You're so sweet! (Punches Rachel yet again.)
Rachel: Ohh, you're so sweet! (She kicks Katie in the shin.)
Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me.
Katie: Well? Aren't you gonna do something?
Katie: You'd better do something, or I'm gonna walk out that door right now! Well? Are you gonna?
(She looks at Rachel and storms out. After she's left Joey hugs Rachel in thanks.)
[Scene: Howard's party, Phoebe is talking Ross up to two more partygoers. Ross isn't happy about it.]
Ross: (trying to get her attention) Phoebe?
Phoebe: (ignoring him and continuing her conversation) That's what I'm saying. (Laughs.)
Ross: (tapping her on the shoulder) Phoebe? Phoebe?
Phoebe: Ooh. (Turns to him.)
Ross: Look, this is a disaster! Can't I please just go?
Phoebe: No! No! I'm talking you up to people. Just give it a little time, all right? Relax, get something to eat! Okay?
(They go to the food table.)
Ross: So uh, what did you tell them about me?
Phoebe: Oh, I was telling them about you and Emily. Y'know, try to get some sympathy.
Ross: Ohh. (He cuts himself a piece of cake.)
Phoebe: But somehow you came off as the bad guy.
Phoebe: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Y'know, we should talk about that because I don't totally understand what happened there.
Ross: (trying a piece of cake) Ohh, this cake is really good!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up already!
Guest #2: (sees the cake) Oh my God! Someone cut Howard's cake! (Ross tries dumping it into a nearby plant.) Who would do a think like that?
(Steve goes over to look at Ross who's trying to look cool, but has some frosting on his lip.)
All: Oh yeah, aww!
Steve: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined everyone's fun! Don't you think it's time you went home?!
Guest #3: Yeah, leave!
All: Yeah, get out! Now!
Steve: Go back to 3-B, 3-B!
Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? (Ross is the only one who raises his hand and Phoebe glares at him to put his hand back down.) Of course you don't like him! He-he didn't give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked, "Who hear likes Ross," and he's wearing two nametags! (He takes one off.) I-I'll be honest with you guys, when I first met Ross I didn't like him at all! But then once I got to know him I saw that he's really sweet and caring and very generous. I mean, all I'm saying is don't judge Ross before you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all you guys now, but when I first meet you y'know Kurt, I thought, y'know abrasive drunk, umm Lola, mind numbingly stupid! And okay, you guys (She turns to an elderly gentleman and a 20 something woman, who're a couple.) (To the girl) Gold-digger, (To the old guy) cradle robbing perv! So, I think you all know what I mean.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross and Phoebe have been banished to Ross's place.]
Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero.
Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler comes running in. Everyone else is already there.]
Chandler: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?
Monica: (raising her hand) I'm Monica.
Chandler: I need to talk to you, it's urgent!
Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.)
Monica: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?!
Chandler: (getting out a ring box) Monica…
Monica: No-no, don't-don't-don't do it!
Chandler: Will you marry me?
(Phoebe hides her eyes in shame. Rachel is starring at them wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Joey and Ross are stunned to temporary silence.)
Ross: Oh-no. No. No.
Joey: What a bad idea!
Rachel: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! (She doesn't move.)
Monica: Chandler, why are you doing this?
Chandler: I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this.
Chandler: I'm doing this because I'm sorry?
Monica: Do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?
Chandler: No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife?
Monica: (kneels with him) Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds.
Chandler: Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now.
Monica: Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now!
Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.)
Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?!
Joey: She's right y'know.
Ross: Yeah, but still, cheap shot!
Monica: Y'know what? Y'know when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own? Well, you're not ready for that.
Chandler: I didn't think I was!
Monica: Oh my God, what would have done if I said yes?
Chandler: Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Everyone is there.]
Joey: Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife?
Ross: No, I will not!
Joey: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.
Ross: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me?
(They all laugh.)
Phoebe: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.
Rachel: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure, Chandler?
Chandler: Okay, how long is this going to go on.
Monica: Well I think the length of teasing is directly related to how insane you were so, a long time.
Ross: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, I'm sorry, will you marry me? (Laughs--whines as he sees that no one is laughing. They're just staring at him in shock.)
Chandler: That's not funny.
Joey: That's not funny at all!
(They all get up and leave.)