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老友记第五季The One With A Cop

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-玩什么呢?-我们想睡前完成填字游戏用六个字母表现红色?“深红色”(Dark red)错了,你还是呆会做连点游戏吧是不是“暗红”(maroon)?对了! 你真聪明你们真可爱我知道-明早见-好我喜欢跟你一起做填字游戏我也是我们填完它,再去睡觉好,只差一个了三个字母,不是“dog”那是"cat"你真聪明我爱你我也爱你还得付小费好.等等摸到了五分镍币!还差多少?再来几块钱好,一角硬币你们多聊会吧,摸钱需要花时间的等等!看!是个警察徽章帅!不过条子来这里干嘛?这又不卖甜甜圈(左手咖啡右手甜甜圈似乎是北美警察的标志,因为这两样东西对警察免费供应)你把徽章放回去好吗? 我来摸个更好的东西菲比,肯定有人在找它对,我该送还警察局不过到警察局我先要看看他们的十大逃犯榜我朋友Fritzy总排在第11位今年该轮到她风光了!各位好嘿,乔伊你穿我的T恤?对.抱歉我很冷,所以穿你的衣服。你不介意吧?没事。不过,如果你想穿别人的T恤不是应该穿你男朋友的吗我又不是你男朋友抱歉.我还给你已经沾上莫妮卡的味道了我很臭?你闻起来像草地抱歉他怎么了?上次乔伊去草地他妈妈被猎人打中了我还是不确定对不起,我只想确信我没选错沙发。我希望它不但吸引“孩子来坐”而且能放电说,“坐我边上来“什么? 你对孩子放电?不。后一句是对女人的邀请 亲爱的,这沙发不错但它不会魔法你选了张很棒的沙发-是吗?-是-您能在这儿签字吗?-好什么?运输费快赶上沙发的价钱了!简直荒谬!他家就过去几个路口!我自己提货,谢谢瑞秋,开动!好!你说笑?别这样.三个路口而已。不太重.试试!噢,我搬得动-这沙发会舒服死你们-是啊-我们不住一起-好吧你们俩居然不是一对-罗斯!-什么意思?-罗斯!-哎,你,她我是说,她很那什么……而你,又很那什么……虽然那不关你什么事不过我们真的交往过-真的? 你们俩?-是。对吧,瑞秋?我现在不想谈这个我扛着很重的沙发那快回答他好吧,我们交往过不止如此,我们-做过298次!-罗斯!你一直在数?你这窝囊废!一个跟你做了298次的窝囊废-抱歉,女士-恩?-你不能在树上摁熄香烟我当然可以那很有效但你不该这样干下不为例好吧下根烟再说站住!-纽约警察!不许动!女阿飞!-什么?没错,你被逮捕了!记下来-你在吩咐谁?-少罗嗦!向树道歉否则今晚就在监狱里过我不会向一棵树道歉现在就道歉!否则我就呼后援后援!后援抱歉!很抱歉好,取消后援!取消后援你不是说这里有电梯的吗我是说过,但结果没有。好,我们上去好,往左左够了,不能再左了高举过头!举高点,你能行的你能行的好,明白怎么转弯了?-明白了-好好好-哦-你能稳住吗?你觉得沙发摆那里好看吗?犯人蔫了而我,"布菲"! 女邢警!太帅了!-菲比,你该物归原主-我知道。但我做好事上瘾了假扮警察、这罪可非同小可你会被捕的你现在就有可能被捕!好吧,我还回去。我被权力冲昏了头脑-嘿!-嘿!哦-嗨,乔-对.我不知道你们会在这-帮我尝尝-什么? 干吗?-你怎么了?-没事!别装了,你今天很怪唉,我是心里有鬼我做了个梦但我不想谈是马丁·路德·金那个段子吗?我有一个梦想但我不想说我梦到莫妮卡你梦见我的女朋友?酷我梦到他交往过的女孩们不知道多少次我们来谈谈你的梦我爱你.你的梦?别怕,不是春梦自从你们俩好上了,我做梦就规矩多了你梦见什么?你是我女朋友我们在玩填字游戏就像你们昨晚那样就是这样.我爱上了莫妮卡我要远走他乡乔伊,别傻!那不代表你爱上了我不是吗?那可以代表很多意思,例如你突然妒忌我成了一家之主你做梦或是意味着,你看到我和钱德一起,那么亲密所以你也想有段亲密关系在梦里我的确很享受亲密的感觉你很喜欢莫妮卡?此时此刻,说,你喜欢她吗?-没感觉-就是嘛你当然不会有感觉!我都没打扮不过幸好你没爱上我你可是要找个女朋友没那么简单我是可以找个女朋友坐下来一起玩填字游戏但我们能像你们一样亲密吗?莫妮和我恋爱前是朋友所以我们才这么亲密吧先当朋友?那很有趣-你是分手后再当朋友吗?-从没有过你们有卷尺吗?有.但在我房里没错怎么了,乔伊你好吗?抱歉.是你的车吗?别停这里堵塞交通别担心,没问题的我说成问题,你最好重视,因为我是警察我也是好.你是警察你爱停哪儿都可以我知道规矩,因为我也是警察好好干等等.你负责哪个区?我在57区我认识57区刑警队一个家伙我是巡警现在是便衣,扮妓女巡警队还有谁?那你认识司伯伟吗?(警察故事,肥皂剧《银匙》中的角色)司伯伟? 不认识大个子,光头我不认识他别打电话找他,他不上班。他的搭档刚挂了告诉他我很遗憾当然.保重对了,司泊伟会没事的听说《银匙》里的小孩很厉害你在哪捡到我的警徽的?你能帮手搬沙发吗?很乐意,不过我要去上表演课但我可以逃课-为你而逃-谢谢问你个问题我刚跟莫妮和钱德聊天他们俩可真亲密我晓得他们从朋友变成情人、好象很不错我也想和他们一样怎么了,乔伊-莫妮和钱德那样要好-恩?是因为他们恋爱前是朋友于是我自问,谁是我的朋友?你和菲比我先看到你,所以-你在说什么?-也许你可以和我交往亲爱的承你美意,说是先看到我我不认为我们该交往我会对你很好的我知道,不过我赞成交往前先做朋友但你应该在遇见理想对象后,和她交朋友建立感情基础,然后约会别打老朋友的主意!那样很费时间吧?是,但是,真爱值得等待我懂了懂了天,我真希望先看到菲比坐过来嘛,到我这边来-我带援军来了-太好了!你带乔伊来了?比不上乔伊,第二壮劳力!你带钱德来?第二壮劳力应该是莫妮卡你侮辱我,不过莫妮卡的确是出奇的强壮,不跟你计较我画了个搬沙发草图瑞秋,这是你这是沙发那是什么?是我你把自己想得那么大不.那只是我的手臂哦,我还以为你太喜欢新沙发了——听我号令好好来吧,钱德好准备好了吗?-好了-转弯转,转,转转不动了这样抬不上去的能上去!别放弃!起!成功了转!转90度转转转闭嘴!闭嘴!闭嘴转不动了你也这么想?好,我们放回去再来一遍现在真的卡住了不敢相信,我的方案行不通!我也不敢相信!你不是画了草图吗?你说“转”是个什么意思?进展如何?交到朋友吗?碰到这个女人她怎么样?她床上很厉害-不是说好先交朋友吗?-那都是你的错为什么?你不教我学好却教我泡妞用语我刚跟她说了要“先建立感情基础、只做朋友”她马上就要我这可不是我的错她室友也有同感!那亲密关系怎么办?亲密!我们三个都渴望亲密!谁要比萨?我要!我要!不敢相信吧?我在二楼捡的- 谁?- 纽约警察喔,我的天等一下,长官- 我找菲比布菲- 天,是那个条子- 他居然能找到我- 你会坐牢吗?如果我被关起来,我要拖你们全部下水!窝藏逃犯? 最少判一到三年祝你好运,钱德逮捕我吧,但你不能给我定罪我没办法,这是我的职责你能理解,对吧?你也能理解吧,我要找律师一旦他让你出庭,就能搞臭你!我可不想被搞臭我今天放你一马罢,就当我来了,你却不在好主意既然你今晚不用入狱,能不能陪我去吃个饭?我吗?自从你亮出我的警徽,我就一直挂念你你是我见过的最漂亮的假便衣很好哇,我不知道你在约我这是约会!我本可以不让你受惊但他们老瞪着我我愿意跟你约会,长官-盖瑞-盖瑞好,我们在约会对了,你怎么找到我的?警徽上满是你的指纹,我输入电脑-找到你最近的住址,所以来这里找你-哦,真不寻常比不上你的不寻常我查了你的记录,你经历颇丰富饭桌上谈- 好,过几个小时我来接你- 迫不及待!别怕,我不会只带你去吃免费甜甜圈他有枪的!(你们还不笑?)我想退货,我对它不满意你要退货?它都身首异处了!所以才退货是你把它一分为二的吗?这张沙发断成两截了!我要换一张完整的你是说提货时它就这么惨?我是个讲道理的人你们店的抵用券我也收的好,我给你抵用券,4元我收下了

The One With A Cop

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are sitting on one of the chairs doing a crossword puzzle.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: What are you guys doing up?

Chandler: Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?

Joey: (thinks) Dark red.

Chandler: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?

Monica: (checks to see if it works) Yes, you are so smart! (Kisses him.)

Joey: Aww, you guys are so cute!

Monica: I know.

Joey: All right, I'll see you in the morning.

Chandler and Monica: Okay.

[Scene: Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep and dreaming. In his dream he's doing the crossword puzzle with…wait for it…Monica!]

Dream Monica: Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey!

Dream Joey: Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed.

Dream Monica: Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but…

Dream Joey: Cat.

Dream Monica: Yes! You are so smart! (Kisses him.) I love you.

Dream Joey: I love you too.

(They hug.)

[Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he realized what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in bed.]

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill, and Chandler gives some money to pay it.]

Rachel: (looking at the bill) Uhh, we still need a tip.

Phoebe: All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel! (Donates it.) How much more do we need?

Rachel: A couple of bucks.

Phoebe: Okay, dime! (Donates that.) You guys should probably keep talking; this could take a while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh my God, this is a police badge!

Monica: Wow!

Chandler: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that.

Rachel: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge.

Phoebe: Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses her fingers in hope.)

Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: Hey Joey!

Monica: Hey.

Joey: (To Monica) Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt?

Monica: Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay?

Joey: Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends--and I’m not him.

Monica: I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you.

Joey: No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica!

Monica: Are you saying I smell bad?

Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.)

Monica: What's with him?

Chandler: Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter.

[Scene: A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast.]

Rachel: (disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh!

Ross: (To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come here to me!"

Rachel: What?! You say that to kids?!!

Ross: No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is y'know for the ladies.

Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch.

The Salesman: You picked a great couch.

Ross: Yeah?

The Salesman: Yeah. Could you just sign right here please? (Hands him a clipboard.)

Ross: Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch!

Rachel: Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away!

Ross: Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! (He signs the form and hands it back to the salesman.) All right Rach, let's go! (He picks up one end of the couch.)

Rachel: Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kiddin'?

Ross: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on!

Rachel: (Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her amazement, she is successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it!

Ross: Yeah!

The Salesman: You two are really gonna enjoy that couch.

Ross: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the store.)

The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.)

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: What's that supposed to mean?

Rachel: Ross!

The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's very…y'know. And you're like…y'know.

Ross: Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.

The Salesman: Really? You two?

Ross: Yeah! Rach?

Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.

Ross: Then tell him quickly.

Rachel: (To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out.

Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!

Rachel: Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser!

Ross: A loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times!

(Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.)

[Scene: Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her cigarette on a tree.]

Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?

The Smoking Woman: Yes?

Phoebe: You can't put your cigarette out on a tree!

The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked real well.

Phoebe: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again.

The Smoking Woman: I won't! (Turns away) Until I have my next cigarette.

Phoebe: Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk!

The Smoking Woman: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Book 'em.

The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking too?

Phoebe: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.

The Smoking Woman: I am not going to apologize to a tree!

Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!!

The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry.

Phoebe: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!

[Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.]

Ross: Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.)

Rachel: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here?

Ross: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go.

(They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps before another landing and another 90-degree turn.)

Ross: Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the railing.)

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left!

Ross: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Okay. You got it?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Good-good-good.

Rachel: Oh-oh!

(She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.)

Ross: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it?

(She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom railing.)

Rachel: Any chance you think the couch looks good there?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.]

Phoebe: …so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. (Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool!

Monica: (cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!

Phoebe: I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.

Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.

Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey enters.)

Phoebe: (To Joey) Hey.

Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh.

Chandler: Hi, Joe.

Joey: Yeah, I didn’t know you guys were going to be here.

Monica: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.)

Joey: (backing away) What?! Why?!

Monica: What is going on with you?

Joey: Nothing!

Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!

Joey: All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't want to talk about it. (Starts for his room.)

Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I don’t want to talk about it.

Joey: Well, it involved Monica.

Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)

Joey: Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two--ish.

Monica: What was the dream about?

Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out.

Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn’t mean that-that you're in love with me!

Joey: It-it doesn’t?

Monica: No!

Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud.

Joey: That kinda sounds like your dream dude.

Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.

Joey: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.

Monica: Um-hmm.

Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?

Joey: (looks at her) Not really.

Chandler: Well there you have it!

Monica: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly realizing what his point is.) But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend!

Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?

Chandler: Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?

Joey: Friends first? That's interesting.

Monica: You become friends after?

Joey: No, never done that either.

Rachel: (entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?

Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.

(Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.)

Monica: (laughing) That's right.

(They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.)

Rachel: (noticing him) What's up Joey?

Joey: (in a sexy voice) How you doin'?

(Rachel is stunned.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter Central Perk.]

Phoebe: Excuse me, is this your car?

Guy: Yeah.

Phoebe: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance.

Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.

Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.)

Guy: (he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I!

Phoebe: Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4. (Tries to leave.)

Cop: (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?

Phoebe: I-I'm with the umm, the 57th.

Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.

Phoebe: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.

Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there?

Phoebe: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?

Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.

Phoebe: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald.

Cop: No, I don't know him.

Phoebe: (starts to walk away, but stops) Don’t try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died.

Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.

Phoebe: I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.)

Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?

Phoebe: Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to help Ross out.]

Rachel: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?

Joey: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you.

(He starts staring at her longingly.)

Rachel: Thanks!

Joey: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight.

Rachel: I know.

Joey: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me one of those.

Rachel: What's up Joe?

Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great…

Rachel: Yeah?

Joey: …is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So…

Rachel: (laughing) What are you saying?

Joey: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.

Rachel: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up.

Joey: I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.)

Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm… No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!

Joey: Won't-won't that take longer?

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait.

Joey: Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause) Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first!

[Scene: The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch.]

Ross: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me.

Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.

Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey?

Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing.

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!

Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so…

Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)

Rachel: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.)

Ross: Oh, that's me.

Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.

Ross: No! That's-that's my arm!

Chandler: (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

Ross: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead.

(Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.)

Rachel: Okay!

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: Come on, Chandler.

(They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on Chandler's end.)

Ross: All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Okay, here we go!

(Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of stairs.)

Ross: All right, ready?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Turn.

Chandler: (straining) Okay.

Ross: Turn! Turn!

(As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.)

Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!

Rachel: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit.

Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!

Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!

(They set the couch down.)

Ross: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore.

Chandler and Rachel: You think?!

Ross: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again.

(As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free it to no avail.)

Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.

Ross: I can't believe that didn't work!

Rachel: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch!

Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.)

Chandler: (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?

Joey: Uhh, well, she's…really good in bed.

Monica: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first!

Joey: (To Rachel) Well look, hey, it's all your fault!

Rachel: What?! Why?!

Joey: Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her roommate!

Monica: What about the closeness?

Joey: Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.]

Joey: (entering) All right! Hey, who wants pizza?!

Chandler: Ooh, I do! I do! I do!

(They all walk over to get a slice.)

Joey: (taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor?

(They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.)

Monica: Who is it?

Voice: N.Y.P.D!!

Phoebe and Joey: Oh my God!

Joey: Uhh, just a minute officer!!

(He throws his piece back in the box, runs into the living room, looks for a place to hide the pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch, sits down on the table, and tries to quickly chew the food in his mouth.)

Cop: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay!

Phoebe: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me!

Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?!

Phoebe: Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you (Points at all of them) with me. (They all look at her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck Chandler. (She opens the door to the cop from before.) Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it!

Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right?

Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!

Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.

Phoebe: I would love it if I weren't here!

Cop: Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me?

Phoebe: Me?!

Cop: Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen.

Chandler and Joey: Nice!

Phoebe: Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out!

Cop: Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me.

Phoebe: Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer…

Cop: Gary.

Phoebe: Gary.

Gary: Okay, so it's a date.

Phoebe: Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me?

Gary: Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out.

Phoebe: Ohh, impressive.

Gary: Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff.

Phoebe: Yeah, we'll talk at dinner.

Gary: Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?

Phoebe: All right, I can't wait!

Gary: Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts.

(Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.)

Chandler: (To Rachel) He has a gun!

Closing Credits

[Scene: The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman.]

Ross: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.

[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.]

The Saleswoman: You wanna return this couch? (Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half!

Ross: That's what I'm telling you.

The Saleswoman: Did you cut this couch in half?

Ross: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half!

The Saleswoman: You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?!

Ross: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit.

The Saleswoman: I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.

Ross: (thinks) I take it.

End

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