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老友记第五季The One With Rachel Inadvertant Kiss

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-好! 你们都在!-怎么?我明天去Ralph Lauren 面试!恭喜!你真棒!Ralph Lauren是个内裤白痴恩?我买了条标着”xs”的根本穿不下我将是女装部的协调者我直接为主管效力。最适合我的工作!搞定面试,你就能得到这份工作要训练面试技巧吗?就从握手开始握得很好!手腕用力恰到好处。我试试天啊! 我得罪你了?我用力过猛?我想说,幸亏我不是钱德对,罗斯,我能看到你在新家里你也能看到我跟昨天一样,跟前天一样他在表演”被鲨鱼攻击”吗?不。等一下,又来了。很好玩!罗斯逼真而有趣我不是跟你挥手,女士哇,我是罗斯楼里的辣妹朝我飞媚眼上啊!伙计!回应她,搞定她!我晓得有办法了你——好——吗?有效! 她朝我招手!我现在就过去她住三楼-她很美,对吧?-还用你说不! 她不是我马子!她只是莫妮而已!嘿,乔伊!我表演得不错,对吧你住这里?当然。进来吧在窗前,可以假装玩冲浪我数过的,怎么会是你住在这里?天啊!怎么了?结果我跑到罗斯家了!肯定数错了见鬼! 她不见了看,罗斯在装“看电视”不,乔伊,我想他只是在看电视嫌犯失踪了我真得走了这可真不公平,就因为有人枪杀店员我们的约会就得夭折-是啊,但那是我的工作,心肝-好吧,我跟你去疑犯刚裸体从下水道钻出好,你走吧天啊!我好想他!才一星期,你们就那么亲密了对,很少见。我忍不住喜欢他,他真可爱他像只小狗,但又是个锄奸惩恶的硬汉我喜欢初恋期彼此简直爱不释手那个阶段的确是最棒的你和钱德的初恋期持续了多长时间?什么?我们仍在这个阶段少来,我说真的。你们的初恋期几时结束的?我是说真的。我们俩一直都很狂热算了,你们在什么阶段,你比我清楚我只是好奇罢了冷静!何必到处炫耀你们是最幸福的一对?天啊,我惹火烧身我错了,我讲错话了,算了吧没关系只要你知道,我和钱德一样很热烈跟你们一样就是说,我们还是“干柴”和“烈火”!扫帚拿回来了你真乖!面试怎样?很糟!我做了最蠢最丢脸的事!你跟面试官说,想跟他老婆上床,然后大惊失色?-不!-那发生什么事了可怕! 本来面试很顺利我甚至让他笑出来他提到“船”我说“你有没有足够多的救生衣”当时真的很有趣我们道别的时候怎么了?我们握手他倾身朝我靠过来也许他是想去开门但我完全误解了他的意思……你吻了他!我有什么办法!你该试试别吻他谢谢,钱德Ralph Lauren 的人电话通知你去复试不会吧! 叫我参加复试?你吻对人了什么?你认为他要我复试,是因为那一吻吗?对!难道不是吗?什么“吻”?你们在说什么?面试中我鬼使神差的,吻了面试官现在他叫我去复试因为我是”见人就吻的女孩”!别傻了,瑞秋他以为我是随便能跟他上床的女人呢他给你机会,也许是因为你能胜任这份工作也许吧。我不晓得。天啊,我怎么那么蠢瑞秋,别自责了。来,让乔伊抱抱来嘛,来嘛她回来了,辣妹回来了我还感觉有点糟,不过,谢谢你不,是罗斯大厦里的辣妹,又出现了!等我,我马上就来数清楚了!让我看两眼!辣妹在哪儿?找到啦!见鬼! 你搬家了吗?是的我跟你们同居了一阵子然后找到这所房子我叫罗斯-什么事?-这里住着个漂亮姑娘吗?不,我一个人住是吗,真可怜小妹妹好你的妈妈、或姐姐、或保姆,是漂亮姑娘吗?爸爸!再见,小妹妹!天啊!辣妹!辣妹!嗨,瑞秋。进来-很高兴再见到你-谢谢-呃,瑞秋,呃-什么?-就是————-对不起,什么事?我来帮你我懂了!听着!我很抱歉,给了你错误的讯息让你以为我是靠随便陪人睡觉来找机会的轻浮女人就算我亲了你也不表示你就能要求跟我上床!我才没有那么想要这份工作祝愉快!先生说出来没人信!Ralph Lauren的浑球竟这样对我!奇怪,你们怎么知道了?-你嘴唇上有墨水-哦,哦——怎么样,几时让我玩玩你的枪?警队有规定,恐怕不行不会出事的!你能不能——恐怕我得拒绝-晚饭后要看电影吗?-不行,我们约好了要做什么?还不就那事儿,呆在盖瑞家他真棒,我们就从没离开过睡房你们去看电影吧,祝愉快!我们不看电影那你问我们去不去?因为我怕你们碍事我和钱德要欢乐今宵抱歉失陪一下钱德,过来一下-我们要胜过他们!-什么?盖瑞和菲比还以为他们比我们更打得火热!所以?所以我们要上楼翻云覆雨,证明他们错了!这种事也论输赢,不觉得傻吗?为了赢他们,我们就得爱得天翻地覆?我才不干,为什么,穿衣服、走!请让让请看我的告示,也请转告其它住户显然,他跑上跑下、是在找漂亮姑娘谁不是呢?我们还没见过面吧,我叫罗斯我知道,你是不捐钱给勤杂工的那个人算了其实,我认为大家对你太苛刻了你才刚搬来,就让你捐钱我是刚搬来!谢谢你!听着我叫珍我可能有点太急了你愿意什么时候跟我去喝咖啡吗?我很乐意名片上有我的号码给我电话我会的再见我忘了拿报纸销魂哦!晚饭时,我一定要告诉菲比和盖瑞!舒服死了我们是最热烈的,对吧没人比我们更黏糊!-你最棒!-不,你最棒-不,你最厉害-不,你才最厉害我好厉害嘿,二位干嘛呢?那不是跟你招手的女孩吗?不知道,但我看见你走光了对,是她不过没用的,我和她永远见不了面我就是找不到她的房间!她大概是居住在辣妹星球之类的空间可望而不可及!你说什么傻话!她明显住在二楼,从左数第7间!不,她住在3楼、左边第8间不,底下两个窗户是门厅的最左边的窗户是过道的。你一直都数错了我竟不知道!谢谢你,莫妮我差一点又因为算术差而少把一个马子!-可以走了吗?-好,我去拿外套-你去开门好吗?-好。-乔伊?-见鬼了!首先,我要感谢你再给我见面的机会那没关系但我得告诉你,这次会见是要录影的首先我要道歉,不该吻你不该对你大吼大叫那没什么你大概会请一个不对你大喊和摔门而去的员工但我认为这样的决定并不明智。原因如下:我出了丑还敢回来,说明我有勇气当我以为你把工作机会拿来做性交易,我拒绝了那代表我的品格另外,我敢于挺身而出,争取机会说明我的勇气没错,我把“勇气”说了两遍但“勇气”确实很重要最后,当我以为你想在工作场合求欢时我仅是拒绝,并没有告你性骚扰所以我的优点有:勇敢品格高尚,还是勇敢,而且不爱告状先生我叫Zelner我就知道您就是Zelner!我真的很喜欢这份工作而且我能胜任知道吗?将来我也许会后悔但我要给你这个机会是吗?恩谢谢你。天啊!-我想给你一个拥抱,那合适吗?-不!那握手呢?天啊! 很抱歉!我不是故意来摸你——的那里谢谢你,我走了星期一见钱德,你很疲倦?我们鬼混了一天,他能不累吗?你知道我的意思吧?宝贝,玉米饼也懂你在说什么你喜欢我给你的徽章吗?很帅我离开一下,宾长官离开一下我去撒尿菲比,你头发里有小树枝我们刚才来的时候绕了路我们在公园散步,四下无人-你们该不会?-我们做了违反了犯罪条例、第7节第12条公园公众场合啊听见了,失陪一下嗨,钱德莫妮,这是男厕所不对吗?对但我一直觉得男厕所很性感你不觉得吗?不觉得假如我也对男厕很有性趣,那我就不会跟你好了越来越离谱了!别这样,我们不能认输!我们已经证明了我们很热烈!你干嘛还没完了?因为菲比和盖瑞在公园里还“浓得化不开”嘛!那又怎样?我很伤心,因为我们过了那样的阶段了原来是这么回事两个人总是浓情蜜意,不是很爽吗对,那是不错但我们现在的阶段,我更喜欢真的?我从没谈过如此长久的恋爱初恋阶段过后,仍然厮守在一起这很了不起而且我的爱人是你我倍感幸福你真甜我知道我有点过火了其实我和你感觉一样我刚刚发现这次是你,被我们的关系吓坏了我没有你有,承认了吧!好吧,是有一点岂止是一点?还好我及时补救!这次我们角色互换了!我成了爱情专家、你却成了不理智的笨蛋又换回来了罗斯竟被一块纸板给骗了!谢天谢地!我实在看不下去了!准备好去看电影了?走吧。对了,谢谢你借Pamela和Yasmine的海报板给我们天啊,她们还没看够!

The One With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters, happily.]

Rachel: Good, you guys are all here!

Ross: Hey! What's up?

Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow!

All: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great!

Rachel: I know!

Joey: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks!

Rachel: Wh-what?!

Joey: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there.

Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!

Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it!

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: You wanna work on your interview skills?

Rachel: O-okay!

Phoebe: Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi.

Rachel: Hi.

(They shake hands.)

Phoebe: Very good handshake, good wrist action.

Monica: Let me try. (Gets up to join them.)

Phoebe: Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls away suddenly) Oh my God! What did I ever do to you?! (Rubbing her hand.)

Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard?

Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.

(Chandler tries to comprehend that remark.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the window waving at Ross.]

Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before.

Monica: Is he doing his shark attack bit yet?

Joey: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes.

(We see Ross through the window and he acts like a swimmer that gets attacked by a shark, picture one of the many, many, many Jaws movies they made and you get the idea.)

Joey: (waving) Very funny Ross! Very life-like and funny. Okay. (Notices that a woman is waving back.) Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at you lady. (She just stares at him.) (Joey sees how beautiful she is.) Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in Ross's building is flirting with me.

Monica: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up!

Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.) Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor…

Monica: (joining him) Wow! She is pretty, huh?

Joey: Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no, I'm not with her, she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.) Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica away and makes a disgusted face.)

[Scene: Ross's Building, Joey is trying to find the hot girl's apartment. So he's walking up the hallway counting doors. He comes to what he thinks is the right one and knocks on it. Ross opens the door, it's his apartment.]

Ross: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh?

Joey: This is your place?

Ross: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be surfing. (He pretends he's surfing by the window.)

Joey: But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man! (Runs away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering again.]

Joey: Ugh!!

Monica: What happened?

Joey: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something. (Looks out the window.) Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-l-look, Ross is doing his 'Watching TV' bit. (We see Ross sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels on his remote.)

Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV.

(It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's apartment that we see that the TV is turned off and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to hide his smirk.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day, Gary is kissing Phoebe good-bye.]

Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the suspect.

Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go!

Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause some guy shot at a store clerk.

Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart!

Phoebe: Okay, then maybe I can come too!

Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer.

Phoebe: All right, you go. (They kiss.)

Gary: Bye-bye.

Phoebe: 'Kay, bye!

(Gary closes the door behind him.)

Phoebe: Oh God!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Oh I just miss him so much!

Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh?

Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each other.

Monica: I know it is the best.

Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler?

Monica: What? It's still going on.

Phoebe: Come on, seriously! When did it end?

Monica: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time.

Phoebe: Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious.

Monica: (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode now.) (Jumping up) What don't you just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don’t you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!!

Phoebe: (Under her breath) God, I woke the beast. Sorry. (To Monica) I was wrong obviously, I just—I misspoke. It's okay.

Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire!

Chandler: (entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back.

Monica: You are so cute. (She goes over and kisses him passionately.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel returns from her interview.]

Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go?

Rachel: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing!

Joey: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall right out of your chair?

Rachel: No!

Chandler: So what happened?

Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh!

Joey: What happened?

Rachel: (We see a flashback as Rachel describes what happened.) All right, we were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me… Y'know maybe he was going to open the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh… (The flashback shows that she kissed him on the cheek.)

Joey: You kissed him?!

Rachel: Well, I didn't know what else to do!

Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him.

Rachel: Thanks Chandler.

Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview!

Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second interview!

Monica: Yes!

Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it?

Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back?

Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No?

Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about?

Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!"

Chandler: Come on, Rach.

Rachel: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him?

Monica: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job.

Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't know—Oh God, how could I be so stupid?!

Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's back!

Rachel: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you.

Joey: No, in Ross's building! (He throws Rachel onto the chair and heads to the window.) She's back! She's back! (Pantomimes) Okay, wait there, I'll be over in a second. (He counts where she is again.) Got it! (Runs out and does a little hot over a chair.)

Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and kisses her.)

[Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by Ross.]

Joey: Damnit!! Did you move?!

Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. (Joey just stares at him) I'm Ross.

(Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks away. He knocks on the next door and it's answered by an old man.)

The Old Man: Yes?

Joey: (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there?

The Old Man: No. I'm all alone.

Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl?

The Little Girl: Daddy!!

Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!!

[Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer) office banging her pen between her teeth.]

Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel!

Rachel: Hi!

Mr. Zelner: Come on in.

(They go inside.)

Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again.

Rachel: Thank you.

Mr. Zelner: (Sees that she has some ink on her lip from her pen.) Oh Rachel, uhh… (He points to his lip to get her to notice the ink on hers.)

Rachel: What?

Mr. Zelner: Just ah… (He points again.)

Rachel: Excuse me?

Mr. Zelner: Here let me… (He goes to wipe it off himself.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from her interview attempt.]

Rachel: (entering) Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me!

(Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to get Rachel to once again notice the ink on her lip.)

Rachel: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that?

Ross: You got ink on your lip.

Rachel: Oh. (Realizes.) Ohhhhhhhhh….

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and Chandler and Monica are all there.]

Chandler: (To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun?

Gary: I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that.

Chandler: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you… (He gestures and spills some of his coffee.)

Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no.

Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight?

Phoebe: Oh we can't, we already have plans.

Monica: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie.

Monica: (That annoying competitiveness thing kicks in again, what the heck is that with her and why must the writers show it every flippin' episode?!) Oh, we're not seeing a movie!

Phoebe: You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go?

Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Okay. (She gets up and walks over to Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you for a second?

Chandler: Uh, yeah.

Monica: Okay. (They walk away to get some privacy.) We have got to beat them! {Here we go yet again.}

Chandler: Why?

Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!

Chandler: Ohh, so?

Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong!

Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that reads, "Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!" and it's signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is getting his mail.]

Ross: (to the woman checking her mail next to him) Hey!

(A man walks up.)

The Man: (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a flyer that has a sketch drawing of Joey and it reads, "Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep - call the cops!") You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking for some kind of a hot girl.

Ross: (to the woman checking her mail) Who isn't?

(For the first time we see that the woman Ross is talking too is in fact the hot girl that Joey is looking for. She just kinda stares at him.)

Ross: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross.

The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman.

Ross: Nevermind! (Goes back to his mailbox.)

The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had just moved in.

Ross: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm…

The Hot Girl: Jen.

Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a little…(makes some kind of crazy noise) But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or…

Jen: Sure! That would be nice.

Ross: Umm?

Jen: Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a business card.) Give me a call.

Ross: I will give you a call.

Jen: I'll see you later. (Starts to walk away.)

Ross: Okay!

(After she's left, Ross gets really happy and starts kissing the card. Suddenly, she returns.)

Jen: I forgot my paper. (Ross quickly hides the card in his mouth.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital Monica and Chandler are recovering on the couch.]

Chandler: That was amazing!

Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner.

Chandler: That was amazing.

Monica: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is hotter than we are! You're the best.

Chandler: No, you're the best.

Monica: No, you're the best.

Chandler: No, you're the best.

Monica: I am the best.

(Just as they start to get up, Joey walks in.)

Joey: (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of undress) What 'cha been doin'? (Has a silly grin.)

Monica: (looking out the window) Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you the other day?

Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. (He looks out the window.) Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her anyway.

Monica: Why?

Joey: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something.

Monica: What are you talking about? (Pointing out the window.) She obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left!

Joey: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor, eighth apartment from the left.

Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong.

Joey: I did not know that! Thank you Monica. (Starts to leave) I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting.

[Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up for their date.]

Ross: So uhh, you ready?

Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock on the door.) Could you get that?

Ross: Sure. (He opens the door to Joey. Needless to say, Joey's stunned.) Joey…

Joey: Dahhhhh!! (Ross has a puzzled look on his face.) No! Noooo!! (Storms off.)

[Scene: Mr. Zelner's office, Rachel has come back again to try and do that second interview.]

Rachel: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again.

Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this meeting is being videotaped.

Rachel: (looks around for the camera) Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you.

Mr. Zelner: Fair enough.

Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him. Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got (counts them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr…

Mr. Zelner: Zelner.

Rachel: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think, I think I would be really good at it.

Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot.

Rachel: (gasps) Oh! You are?

Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm.

Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh… Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug?

Mr. Zelner: Yes!

Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake? (She goes to shake his hand but misses and touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch that—I mean you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so—Hey! I'll see you Monday! (Exits.)

[Scene: A restaurant, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Gary are on a double date. Chandler is yawning.]

Phoebe: You tired Chandler?

Monica: You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I mean. You know what I mean?

Chandler: Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean.

Gary: So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got you?

Chandler: Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.)

Monica: Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair.

Phoebe: Ohh, (laughs) umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here.

Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so…

Monica: You didn't!

Phoebe: We did! We violated Section 12 Paragraph 7 of the criminal code!

Monica: The park huh? A public place.

Gary: Uh-huh.

Monica: I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second! (Gets up and heads for the bathroom as that annoying Gotta-win-at-all-costs-super-competitive thing kicks in again.)

[Cut to the Men's room. Chandler is practicing flashing his badge as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hi Chandler.

Chandler: Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it?

Monica: Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?

Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous!

Monica: Come on, we can't let them win!

Chandler: Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?!

Monica: Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase!

Chandler: (gasps) So?

Monica: I feel really sad that we're not…really there anymore.

Chandler: Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about?

Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time?

Chandler: Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.)

Monica: That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way.

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah. (They hug.)

Chandler: Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship.

Monica: Did not.

Chandler: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out!

Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little.

Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Looking through Ross's window, he's doing more pantomimes. The first one is he's walking a dog that has stopped, then suddenly tugs him forward.]

[Cut to the inside of Monica and Rachel's apartment, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]

Rachel: (laughs) I cannot believe Ross is buying this!

Monica: Thank God! I can't watch him anymore!

Chandler: (entering) You guys ready fore the movies?

Rachel: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine.

(We see through the big window from the outside and see that Monica and Rachel have pictures of their faces pasted onto cardboard cutouts of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth wearing their Baywatch swimsuits.)

Ross: (from his apartment) Man! They cannot get enough! (Makes like he's a robot and waves at the cutouts.)

End

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