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老友记第五季The One Where Rachel Smokes

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抽一张牌好。记清楚是哪一张-记住了吗?-好了-是这张牌吧?-是的嘿,各位知道吗?班要拍电视广告了什么?还没确定我们在公园里碰到一个人,他觉得班很可爱班的确可爱他给了我们名片叫我们带班去试镜他是城里最有名的广告导演!班在公园里难看地走一走就能去试镜上啊,班!我去公园几千次了却没人看上我是挺扯的,班只是在荡秋千我从来都是在荡秋千!我有哪点做错?就是那一点-上班去咯。祝我好运吧-祝好运既然你到Ralph Laure上班,给我搞几件衬衣如何?上班第一天就偷东西,是否太嚣张?居然不想顺手牵羊有趣就算有免费礼物,也是送给我好,各位,祝我好运吧去吧! 好好干瑞秋的生日怎么庆祝?周末搞个惊喜派对如何?但是,她下个月才过生日到了正日子再开派对,有什么惊喜可言太好啦!我们可以办一个餐会只请她最亲密的朋友罗斯!我们要给瑞秋开个惊喜派对-好呀!-说定了我们一起搞这个派对,怎样?我喜欢和你一起搞!她们准备一起搞伙计,她是我的女朋友!难道要我阻止她们?我要出发了我去接班,参加试镜由演员来扮演班的爸爸,一定很怪比他有两个妈妈还奇怪?什么爸爸? 这个广告里还有个爸爸?对,“爸爸”和班一起喝汤,假装很享受的样子我跟你们一起去面试争取演“爸爸”的角色!还有谁、比班的教父更适合演他爸爸吗?-你才不是他的教父-什么?你开玩笑?当然啦!-走吧,他教父-走!他们答应让我试镜!真的?太好啦!有个女导演见过我演戏所以我就从她下手嘿,那个小孩真面熟对!他是拍广告的老手了!拍过糖果广告、游戏机广告还给电讯公司代过言他演得真好,完全打动了我,我还换了电讯公司钱德还很生气这次他没戏,班比他可爱多了我是说,看看他,看你多乖很好我如果能演班的爸爸,不是很棒吗你跟班一点也不像我比你更像班我跟你可没熟到那个程度那就是这两个里面二选一了,南希,我知道你喜欢这种我也喜欢它。瑞秋,你说呢?哦,那种是很漂亮但我更喜欢这个的质感抱歉没什么好抱歉的,你的职责之一,就是多出好点子,让我拿去邀功我说笑的她说笑的,不过,下次别再跟她有不同意见了我也在说笑!有趣的办公室真不知道怎么选我得抽根烟我们休息一下,出去整理一下思绪回来再决定选哪件。瑞秋,你抽烟吗?不了。我爸是医生,他老是危言耸听说什么妖魔鬼怪都赞成公主抽烟她们抽完烟回来,把决定都作完了!一点没考虑我的意见!-那不公平-就是嘛难道就因为我没有抽烟这个讨厌的、有害的习惯,就该受罚?该罚要是一直这么糟糕可怎么办?她们总在抽烟时作出所有的决定我却呆在自己的办公室里吸我笨蛋的清新空气以后当Kim想提拔下属你说她会选谁?我还是那个大烟抢?你可以跟出去而不抽烟,就说你想呼吸新鲜空气对或者更简单点,你可以跟去抽烟去喝咖啡吗?喔,很好我也去噢,好喔,我改变主意了我们来筹办派对吧,我想了很多点子我也是!噢,看这是蛋糕的草图,菜单样品我提供果品和小吃而音乐方面,这是我的CD清单按字母排序我把开胃的音乐标出来了-不是说好亲密朋友的小餐会而已?-计划有变万事具备啦,多谢你,合作伙伴没有啊,我还留了很多工作需要你来搞定例如呢?杯子你让我管杯子?还有冰杯子和冰?我负责杯子和冰?好吧。我就负责杯子和冰-等一下,我可以从餐厅拿些冰回来-别跟我抢!-试镜结果如何?-砸锅了你是说乔伊表现不理想吧?你成功了?对,我成功了!对,班获得了复试机会是我让罗斯那样沮丧,我失败了你也可以参加复试,对吧?对,我成功了!瑞秋,你来这里做什么?里面怪寂寞的,所以我出来呼吸清新空气我们在谈秋季时装噢,很好我们非常——-抱歉。我们把烟都喷到你身上了-没关系我们走开点。你留在那里吧我把设计交给大老板,他非常欣赏真棒,你最厉害!不好意思,我来一根可以吗?就这根好了。。。什么事这么有趣啊?我以为你不抽烟我原以为你们是吸大麻知道我的意思吗,像瘾君子那样我还以为你们那么疯呢普通香烟,我一直爱抽好兴奋!我也是我说笑的我也是天啊! 等待结果真是一种折磨!你怎么应付的?不幸得很,通常我都落选,所以——他们叫我们留下来等结果,是好兆头吗?你问我、我问谁请雷蒙德、班、凯尔和乔伊留下来参加决赛。其余人请回,多谢配合哈! 我就知道会赢!再见再见了下次见太好了!我也许有机会演班的爸爸那不可能你们长得一点都不像你和雷蒙德一组,凯尔和班一组最终,要么是你们俩,要么是你们俩那太怪了就是就是,是很怪不。我们是最好的朋友,所以才觉得这种安排不爽哦,我只是附和你们而已我把这些东西寄放在你这里,一直到瑞秋的生日会。怎么样?-当然可以。那里面是什么?-杯子瑞秋要喝水,我们就给她海洋?这里杯子可真多是莫妮卡叫我分管杯子和冰块我要让她后悔莫及我曾因为她交代的事没做完而后悔莫及-好,我去把剩余的杯子也拿来-嗨,乔伊-嗨-罗斯,很高兴你在-我想跟你谈谈-怎么了?我一直在想广告的事我和班我们两个竞争,谁赢了都不会开心我想退出,我会告诉他们,我不去试镜了乔伊,那太好了谢谢你,伙计什么?你竟忍心让我退出?我们讨论的可是我的事业!不是你说——我是说,你该让班退出谁该退出?班该退出!-什么?-钱德,你给他解释哦,我先去应门嗨,莫须有先生!班干嘛要退出?班平生第一次参加试镜你却要拖他后腿你这个“拖后腿爸爸”!至少我懂得关心他的感受!什么?他如果落选,你知道他会多难受吗?他怎么可能落选得了吧!你没看到我“儿子”多能耐吗?他会拨电话、吃玉米饼,还会跟卡通老虎踢足球!你“儿子”比我儿子会喝汤?你的遗传毕竟有限,伙计是吗,咱们走着瞧!好!这个广告,铁定是我和米奇的!-你的儿子叫雷蒙德-是吗?你的也是!-工作怎样了?-很好我照你说的办,跟了她们出去。我们谈公事Kim采纳了我的意见-厉害-谢谢我是说你臭得厉害那是因为我过去的时候她们正在吞云吐雾这其实是我凯旋的味道我还是觉得怪怪的天啊! 你抽烟了!我没抽你抽了。你看来快乐而病态,你抽烟了!好吧! 但我是不得已!我为了事业而牺牲我也希望为了事业而做这种牺牲恶心!也不是那么糟啦,没错我舌头有点打结,手指也有气味我想吐你能克服这种感觉,然后就舒服了受不了你的烟味!我要走了!我说真的我觉得你很香决定了?不要格子花呢,要粉红那种当然我完全同意!你不是刚刚才点上烟吗?是呀但我最近在打算戒烟祝好运,瑞秋我最近一直都想戒烟每个周末夜,我都发誓要戒烟一到星期一早上,我又故态复萌是吗?我们都戒烟吧这主意不错-我肯定戒不掉-你能行的。一定行我们互相帮助我们都用戒烟贴片我们组织一个戒烟贴片姐妹会我们真的该戒烟。好,说戒就戒!太好了!把烟都给我。来! 扔掉!行了那火机是我现任丈夫送我的我可不是开玩笑好吧好 “恩~~~汤”罗斯马上来了。你能帮我看着班吗我去洗手间-没问题-谢谢小班班,你想当演员?我可告诉你,这一行可不像搞野餐经常落选,而且一点也不稳定今天你可能演大医生明天就可能去要饭-乔伊!-罗斯!-班!-我是说,班班雷蒙德、乔伊,到你们了好,我们来试试你们准备好就开始有问题吗?哎,这是面汤我一直在练喝西红柿汤但没关系,没问题恩~~~面汤好的,但台词是:“恩~~~汤”-那我说的是?-你说的是,“恩~~~面汤”有分别吗?哦,明白了好,开拍“恩~~~” “~~~面汤”重拍 “恩~~~” “汤,哦,我是说面汤,应该是汤!”受不了!下一对别!再给我一次机会!看着 “恩~~~面汤”见鬼!糟了!你在做什么?我们不是一起戒烟吗?戒烟贴片不起作用我们想戒掉,但太难了就算你们想再抽,至少跟我说一声啊给我一根烟。聊到哪儿了?你戒烟很成功,别放弃!我们不告诉你,也就是因为不想拖你下水别这样,拖我下水好了我们为你的戒烟壮举而骄傲我不准你再吸烟。抓到你抽烟就解雇你走远点,我不想让你闻到烟味好,你陪我去一趟巴黎天啊看!杯型帽子,杯子旗帜杯状灯饰,还有我本该找的——杯子!找杯子你可真在行!那你跟她好得了你注意到那些冰吗?看!我们应有尽有,有刨冰、方冰还有干冰,看!-真神奇-厉害没有人吃我的东西他们都在吃她的冰激凌有冰激凌吗?-要吃就去拿-谢谢!谢谢!惊喜吧?什么?我下个月才过生日呀所以才叫惊喜啊噢,天,各位!真太棒了!真意外钱德的生日不是比我早吗好吃惊!真棒这么多杯子好奇怪我负责杯子也不是很奇怪我很抱歉,试镜不顺利是啊你很抱歉真的,乔伊,我很难过罗斯,你不必难过我笨又不是你的错还演员呢,一句台词都讲不好,不就是“恩——面汤”吗你表现差,也许不是因为你笨而是因为你关心你的教子你什么意思?下意识你在让他听不懂就是说,你故意演砸,以便给班一个机会你这么说,我听起来好受多了我并非糟糕透顶的演员我只是太关心小班了他的成功,对我来说更重要-就是,谢谢你-谢谢你他成功了吗?-没有。-那没办法请问瑞秋在吗?她约我午饭时间过来她走了。请到10楼找她好昨天午饭时,我们谈到展示会他说不知道一个人是否够用我说“当然够了”!呆会见!

The One Where Rachel Smokes

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a deck of cards out to Chandler.]

Joey: Okay, pick a card.

Chandler: Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades)

Joey: All right now, memorize it. (Pause) You got it?

Chandler: Oh yes.

Joey: (holding up the Queen of Clubs) Is that your card? (He winks and smiles.)

Chandler: (pause) Yes.

(Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn't work when Chandler hands him his card back.)

Carol: (entering with Ben and Ross) Hey guys!

Ross: Hi!

Chandler: Hi there!

Ben: Hi!!

Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV commercial!

Phoebe: What are you talking about?!

Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.

Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.

Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings…

Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?!

Chandler: That.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating breakfast, Ross is heading for the bathroom.]

Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, gotta go! Wish me luck!

Joey: Luck!

Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?

Rachel: Uh well, y'know what? I don't think if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day…

Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work, interesting.

Monica: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me.

Rachel: Okay guys, way to wish me luck!

All: Good luck! Go get 'em! (Rachel exits.)

Phoebe: Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month.

Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.

Monica: I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we could have a dinner party and just invite her close friends.

Joey: Ross!! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!!

Ross: (from the bathroom) Okay!!

Joey: Done.

Phoebe: Okay, great so do you want to do it together?

Monica: I would love to do it together!

(Joey starts to giggle.)

Joey: They're gonna do it together.

Chandler: Dude! That's my girlfriend!

Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now?

Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big audition.

Monica: It's gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben's dad.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial?

Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.

Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather.

Ross: You're not his godfather.

Joey: What?! Are you kidding?!

Ross: (Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Okay, let's go godfather.

Joey: All right!

(As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he is still Ben's godfather.)

[Scene: Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a waiting room as Joey enters happily.]

Joey: Hey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition!

Ross: Really? That's great!

Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her…

Carol: (noticing a kid who has picked up a copy of Variety to read) Hey, that kid looks familiar.

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad….

Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)

Joey: That's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's dad?

Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.

Joey: I look more like him than you do! (He winks at Carol.)

Carol: Y'know, I don't really know you well enough for you to do that.

[Scene: Rachel's new job, she's in her new boss's office (Kim's) and with the other assistant (Nancy). Together they're deciding what clothes to buy or something, who knows, let's all watch/read to find out.]

Kim: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think?

Rachel: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric (On the other one.) Sorry.

Kim: Oh don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions and then I take credit for them--I'm kidding.

Nancy: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I'm kidding!

Rachel: (laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun office.

Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back?

(They all get up to leave.)

Kim: (at the door) Rachel? Do you smoke?

Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories…(stops and tries to change directions)…about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is telling Chandler and Monica about her day.]

Rachel: …and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me!

Monica: That doesn't seem fair.

Rachel: I know! It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit!

Chandler: Yeah, it is the best.

Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening? Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, y'know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?

Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just say you wanna get some fresh air.

Rachel: Yeah, I can do that.

Chandler: Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee?

Rachel: I would love to!

Phoebe: Oh good!

Chandler: Yeah, I wanna go to babe.

Phoebe: Oh good.

(They all start out.)

Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! (She slams the door on them.) Okay, let's talk about the party! I have so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail napkin.)

Monica: Yeah, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-ring binder of ideas.)

Phoebe: Oh, look at that.

Monica: All right, that's a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm y'know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music, here's an alphabetized list of all my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food.

Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner party?

Monica: Oh, we're not doing that. Okay…

Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.

Monica: What?! I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of things for you to do!

Phoebe: Like what?

Monica: (Thinks) Cups.

Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?

Monica: And ice!

Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? (Thinks of something) All right. Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice!

Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant…

Phoebe: I got it! Mine!

Ross: (entering, downtrodden) Hi.

Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?!

Ross: Not so good.

Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's (sadly) "Audition didn't go so well. (Happily) Yeah it did?"

Ross: (Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition!

Joey: (also downtrodden) Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback.

Monica: You got a callback too didn't you?

Joey: (Happily) Yeah I did!

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel is out to join Kim and Nancy.]

Kim: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here?

Rachel: Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air.

Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection.

Rachel: Oh great!

Kim: So anyway we really… (Someone exhales and Rachel turns and coughs.) Honey, we're just smoking all over you.

Nancy: Oh, sorry!

Rachel: Oh that's okay.

Kim: No-no-no, we'll move you just stay right there. (They walk away.)

Nancy: So anyway I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about the line.

Kim: Oh that's great! You are the best!

(Rachel gets fed up and heads over to another smoker.)

Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? (He holds up his pack.) Y'know what, actually… (She takes the one he's smoking and heads over to where Nancy and Kim are standing and laughing.) Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here?

Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.

Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.

Kim: We get high.

Rachel: Oh, me too.

Kim: I'm kidding.

Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, me too.

[Scene: Ben and Joey's (Isn't that an ice cream??) callback.]

Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve wracking! How-how do you do this?

Joey: Well, unfortunately, I don't get many callbacks so…

Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?

Joey: Who knows?

The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.

Ross: Yes!! I knew it!! (To the people who didn't make it.) Bye-bye! So long! Later!

Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad!

Ross: Yeah!

The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)

Joey: Man, this is gonna be kinda weird.

Ross: Yeah, it is.

Kyle: Yeah. It's gonna be weird.

Ross: No, we-we're gonna be like best friends, that's why it's gonna be weird.

Kyle: Oh, oh, I thought we were just talking.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are talking.]

Phoebe: (entering, carrying two garbage bags) Hey!

Ross and Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party?

Chandler: Ah sure. What's in 'em?

Phoebe: Umm, cups.

Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.

Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.

Phoebe: Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.

Chandler: Y'know I rued the day once…didn't get a whole lot else done.

Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. (She goes and opens the door to Joey.) Oh, hi Joey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs! (To the guys) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something.

Ross: What's up?

Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.

Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks man.

Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career we're talking about here!

Ross: Well, you just…

Joey: I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it! Look Ross, if anyone should step aside it should be Ben!

Ross: What?!

Joey: What? Chandler! Tell 'em!

Chandler: (shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.)

Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad.

Joey: At least I care about his feelings!

Ross: What?!

Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn’t get it?

Ross: And why wouldn't he get it?

Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do?! Huh?! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!

Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?

Joey: You just give him a spoon baby!

Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we'll just see!

Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch!

Ross: You're kid's name is Raymond!

Joey: Yeah?! So's yours!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there as Rachel enters.]

Monica: (To Rachel) How did work go?

Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said, y'know? And we talked business. Kim totally took my opinions.

Monica: You stink!

Rachel: Thanks!

Monica: No, I'm-I'm serious!

Rachel: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success.

Chandler: Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked!

Rachel: I did not!

Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!

Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career!

Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career…

Monica: That's so gross!

Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up.

Chandler: Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!

Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up. I'm not kidding. (She's not; she stands and walks away. Chandler moves closer.)

Chandler: I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.)

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel, Kim, and Nancy are all puffing away on their cancer sticks.]

Kim: So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?

Nancy: Absolutely!

Rachel: I am so on board! (She throws away her recently lit cigarette.)

Kim: Rachel didn't you just light that?

Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am really, really trying to cut back, y'know? (Laughs) Good luck, Rach.

Nancy: I've actually been thinking about quitting lately.

Kim: Oh sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting but every Monday morning it's like (Mimics chain smoking.)

Nancy: Tell me about it!

Rachel: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit!

Kim: It does sound appealing.

Nancy: Oh, I never could do it.

Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! We can get--what are those--those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters!

Kim: Oh y'know, we really should quit. Okay, let's quit!

Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Give it! Give it! (She grabs their cigarettes and lighters and throws them in the trash.)

Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter. (Rachel laughs.) I'm not kidding.

Rachel: Okay then! (She starts rummaging through the trash to find Kim's lighter.)

[Scene: Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is rehearsing his line.]

Joey: Hmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup! (Tries again, with a little caveman thrown in.) Hmm, soup!

Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room?

Joey: Oh yeah, no problem.

Carol: Thanks. (Exits.)

Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. One day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle.

Ross: (entering, angrily) Joey!

Joey: (angrily) Ross!

Ross: (angrily) Ben! (Pause.) (Happily.) I mean, Ben! Ben!

The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.

(Raymond and Joey go in the office.)

Joey: Hi!

The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)

Joey: Uh-oh.

The Casting Director: Is there a problem?

Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato. But that's okay, no problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup.

The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."

Joey: Oh, what did I say?

The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.

Joey: How's that different? (She looks at him until he gets it.) Oh! Yeah!

The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.

(Raymond and Joey both eat a spoonful and Joey turns to Raymond and says…)

Joey: Hmm, noodle soup.

The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.

Joey: Okay.

(They do it again.)

Joey: Hmm, soup. (Pause.) I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup!

Raymond: COME ON!!!!

The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.

Joey: No! No! I-I can do it one more time! See? Look! (Eats another spoonful) Hmm, noodle soup. Damnit! (Storms out.)

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are cheating and are caught by Rachel.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey-hey!!

Kim: Uh-oh, busted!

Rachel: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters!

Kim: Yeah. That didn't work out.

Nancy: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard!

Rachel: Well y'know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about?

Kim: No. No! You're doing great! Don’t you give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us.

Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down.

Kim: Forget it Rachel! We're both so proud of how well you're doing. I'm not gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired. So go on, get out of here! Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on!

Rachel: Okay. (Starts to walk away.)

Kim: (to Nancy) So, okay! So you'll come with me on the Paris trip.

Rachel: (hearing that) Oh man!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel's surprise party. The apartment is festooned with cups. There are cups everywhere! Cup centerpiece, cup garland, etc., etc]

Phoebe: (To Chandler) Check it out! Cup hat! (Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds up one.)

Chandler: Great job with the cups, Pheebs!

Monica: (overhearing that) Why don't you just go out with her!

(Chandler starts to follow her into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: (following him) And did you notice the ice? (Gestures to 3 huge buckets of ice on the table.) Look! We have it all! We have crushed! Cubed! And dry! Watch! (Pours some water onto the dry ice, causing it to evaporate/smoke.) Ahhh! Mystical!

Chandler: Awesome!

Monica: Chandler! Everyone--no one's eating my Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones!

Chandler: There are snow cones! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!

Monica: Y'know…go! Go! Right there! (Points)

Chandler: Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.)

(Rachel enters.)

Phoebe: (noticing her) Oh, look! Look! Look!

All: Surprise!!

Rachel: What?! What?! My birthday's not for another month!

Monica: That's the surprise!

Rachel: Oh my God! You guys this is so great! I mean it's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's birthday is even before mine!

(Everyone stops and looks at Chandler, who's nodding.)

All: Surprise!

Rachel: Wow! This is great! Look at all these cups! This is so weird.

Phoebe: I was in charge of cups.

Rachel: Oh, okay, not so weird.

[Cut to another part of the room, Ross is going to talk to Joey.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go so well.

Joey: Yeah right! (Gets up for a refill to his snow cone.)

Ross: No really, I-I am! I feel bad!

Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don't have to. Okay? It's not your fault I suck. I mean what kind of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup." (Nods his head in disgust.)

Ross: Yeah y'know what? Maybe-maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson.

Joey: What you do mean?

Ross: I think, sub-consciously…

Joey: Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me.

Ross: (pause) I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part.

Joey: Well, you're way sounds a lot better than mine. (Thinks about it.) Yeah. Yeah! It's not that I'm a bad actor…

Ross: No!

Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed.

Ross: There you go. Thank you!

Joey: Thank you! So, did-did he get it?

Ross: No.

Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do?

Ending Credits

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out the door.]

Chandler: (to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch.

Kim: Oh, she doesn't come down here any more. You can find her up on ten.

Chandler: Okay, great.

(Kim exhales and Chandler stares at it longingly.)

Kim: (to Nancy) So we talked about the (Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he wondered if one person would be enough (Closer) to get a take on the trip (Still closer) and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!" (She's interrupted by Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a drag from her cancer stick.)

Chandler: I'll catch you guys later. (Exits.)

End

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