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老友记第五季The One Where Ross Can Flirt

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- 嗨!- 嗨! Wow! 穿得这么漂亮。 有什么大事吗? 今天是我和莫妮卡拍拖10个月的纪念日, 我们在Ja George订了位子。 Wow! 你怎么订到的? 打几个电话, 暗中做些手脚, 最后他们同意帮我们安排11:30的位子,因为我答应只点鸡肉而不叫甜品。 嗨 钱德! 嗨 凯特琳! 你剪头发了。 哦,我讨厌这个发型! 看起来就像个8岁的小男孩。 要是8岁的小男孩都长得像你,健身课可就有意思多了。 - 一共27块。- 好的。 嘿,小鸡去了哪里? 哦,在里面。鸭子让它滚远点, 说世界上是先有蛋后有鸡。 - 不错。再见啦!- 再见! 你刚才在搞什么?! 什么? 挑逗! 你不是和某人在交往吗?是谁来着? 我妹妹对吗?! 我没有挑逗。 根本就是挑逗。 "你剪头发了(发出嘟嘟囔囔的鼻音)" 首先,你的话让我觉得,很离奇。 其次,我没有挑逗,只不过两个人闲谈,仅此而已 对,对。 想见识真正的挑逗吗? 我给你表演。 不用了。 乔伊真了不起, 竟然能在《法律与秩序》里演出! 是啊。不过你不觉得应该叫做《秩序与法律》才对吗? 不,因为他们是先把人抓起来,然后才审问。 好了,别给我抱怨他们的机会。 我没有挑逗。 还要是在纪念日,可耻! 出了什么事? 钱德刚才跟送pizza的美女搭讪! 我没有!求求你了,嘘! 真对不起可是你的确做了! 而且,和她搭讪的那个人起码应该是个单身的, 应该是个能和她有发展的。 某人似乎看上了那个送pizza的美女,想做人家的老公哦。 这个…… 就因为这个吗? 你喜欢凯特琳? 罗斯! 我们两年前就分手了,后来你还结了婚。 我认为你可以喜欢其他的人。 是这样,有一天我在pizza店里留意到她。 她实在是非常性感,非常有趣,而且有最最可爱的小…… 打住,我们不需要知道她的三围。 辣香肠,辣香肠,辣香肠, 罗斯,我知道她很漂亮,你喜欢她,可是她脑子没问题吗? 她忘了我的素食pizza! 太好了! 她一定会送来你的pizza,到时候 我就能向她展示充满魅力的“哦,罗斯”。 你不吃荤真是太好了。 看见了? 素食主义,人人受益。 嗨 各位,瞧瞧! 还记得我奶奶吗? - 今晚真不一般!- 太棒了! 乔伊在《法律与秩序》里演出,你一定很为他骄傲! 钱德,她听不懂英语。 真对不起,我以为你是乔伊的外婆。 我又错了一次。 她最崇拜我了。 她是我们家里唯一一个相信我实力的。 对,大明星,我的大,胖子,乔伊,明星 我出生的时候差不多有27磅重。 嗨! 纪念日快乐! 纪念日快乐,十个月了! 嗯,刚才洗澡的时候我想起我们在伦敦的第一夜…… 哦,乔伊的祖母在那儿呢。 是那个懂英语的还是那个不懂的? 不懂的。 那一夜你真是热情如火! 我要进去准备准备。 嗨,不如戴上我送给你的那副耳环吧? 好主意! 我一直留着它们,想等到特殊的日子才戴。 好的。 你得回去了! 可是我喜欢这儿! 你得回去把我借给你的耳环拿过来。 钱德想让我今晚戴。 好吧,我好象就放在皮包里, 你先去换衣服吧,我找找。 瑞秋,嗨, 你得把那副耳环还给我了。 哦,呃,好,等一会儿, 我这就拿给你。 Wow 菲比,你会说意大利语? 我猜是吧。 给你。多谢啦! 等等,瑞秋! 还有一只呢? 怎么,你还想要两只? 瑞秋.凯伦.格林,还有一只呢?! 好好好,你千万别发火,我好象弄丢了。 我知道就在这间屋子里,不过肯定找不到了。 你让我怎么向莫妮卡交代? 她今晚要戴! 让她戴她自己的。 这就是她的。 不是吧!! 不是吧!!! 你把莫妮卡的耳环借给我?! 她不准我借她的东西! 为什么? 因为我总是弄丢! 看见那个瞎子了吗? 我等下要打他的头。 哦,我的镜头快到了。镜头,快到了。 要是你说“筋斗怪跑了。”她能听出有什么区别吗? 瑞秋? 你在干什么? 哦,我不敢看那个。太吓人了! 现在放的是尿布广告。 哦,你了解我的,婴儿啊,责任啊,啊~~~ Pizza送到了! 我来了! 我来开门! - 嗨!- 嗨! 一个素食pizza。 12块5。 哦,顺便说一句, 希望能让你感觉好一点。 我碰巧喜欢8岁的小男孩。 什么?! 呃,你的发型,刚才,我是说, 你说你看上去像个8岁的小男孩, 所以我说我喜欢。 你的发型。 谢谢。 你明白吧?我并不是真的喜欢8岁的小男孩。 你也明白吧?我在等你把钱给我。 我来给吧。不用再给我们送pizza了。 我希望吧。 不用客气。 你就是不想让我得手,是不是?! 什么? 一个我非常喜欢但不得不和别人去拼抢的女孩! 出了什么事? 钱德大肆挑逗送pizza的美女! 谢谢你这么说! 我没有挑逗。 没关系的。我不介意。这很正常。 - 真的?!- 真的?! 没什么大不了的,我整天都这样。 呃,你整天都挑逗别的男人? 是啊! 我觉得没什么! 所以我觉得你这样做也没什么! 但是这有很大区别。你比我有魅力得多。 诚实的孩子! 钱德,你介意? 对,我介意! 而且我觉得很多人都会介意。 瑞秋,你从前和罗斯交往的时候, 如果他挑逗别的女人,你介意吗? 呃,不,不会, 如果他和别的女人睡觉,我才介意。 谢谢你这么说。 我根本不需要担心,罗斯一向不善于放电。 什么什么?你说什么?我电你很见效。 哦!你算说对了!我们相遇时你跟我调情, 终于!九年之后你得到了我! 好,好。 猜猜我要干什么?我要再叫一份pizza,到时候凯特琳来到这里, 我就让你们见识见识我怎样放电。 我一定能弄到她的电话号码, 而且不是包装盒上面那个! - 我找到了!- 哦!谢天谢地!在哪儿找到的? 你的梳妆台上。 这就是刚才那一只! 我的镜头!到我的镜头了! 我打赌没有人听见一个字。我不和你赌。有人在家吗?- 天哪。- 怎么了? 大家保持笑容。要是我奶奶发现了她会气死。 到底怎么了? 他们把我的镜头剪掉了。 什么?! 你说真的? 可能等一下就有呢? 好象不太可能。你们看见那个装尸体的袋子了吗? - 看见了。- 我就在里面。 这下惨了,怎么办? 我不知道。 我的事业是我奶奶生命的支柱。 上次我没能演《我们的日子》,她伤心得几乎死掉。 糟糕。 笑一笑!别那个表情,笑啊!大家都要笑! 乔伊,干吗不告诉她?又不是你的错。 要是我们一直用这个表情说话,她不是一样会发疯? 快了,快了!就快到我了。 那个就是我! 不对!那个是山姆.沃特斯顿! 不对,那个就是我,就是我。 不对!那个是山姆.沃特斯顿!演《犯罪与不端》和《摩羯宫一号》的那个。 她不会说“你好”,可她知道《摩羯宫一号》。 菲比! 你现在就得把耳环给我!片子一演完我们就要走了! 可是我已经还给你了! 没有啊。 我确实还给你了!我说的! 还有一只呢? 找不到,菲比,找不到! 哦,我昨晚去了乔伊和钱德那边。 记得一定要在钱德的首饰盒里找一找。 钱德有首饰盒? 拜托!我们只有十分钟了,你还要跟我讨论这个? 嗨,菲比! 那个,啊,素食pizza对你起了什么作用吗? 你和那些蔬菜之间一定发生了些什么,对吗? 你怎么这么古怪? 喜欢吗? 不,要是喜欢我会说:“你怎么这么可爱?” 我在练习如何挑逗。 哦!没看出来。 莫妮卡,你喜欢看《法律与秩序》吗? 喜欢啊,还不错。 我今天发现了很多有关你的事情, 像你喜欢看《法律与秩序》, 像你挑逗三州地区的每一个男人! 钱德!我知道你想说什么了, 你挑逗别人就可以,我就不可以。 哦,真高兴,终于挑明了。 我也很抱歉,可是有些事情对于男人和女人是不同的。 继续,教教我关于男人和女人的事情。 好吧,虽然我已经教了你那么多,不过没关系, 当你挑逗别人的时候你会想:“我不过和他玩玩,没什么大不了的。” 但那人就会想:“太棒了!总算有人想和我睡觉了!” 不可能! 是真的。 - 那太惨了!- 也是真的。 每个男人都这样想吗? 每个醒着的男人。 等他们睡着了, 地球另一侧的男人们醒来,继续同样的事。 又到广告时间了,我还是没有告诉她! 乔伊!这应该是最后一次广告了。 我们只剩下10分钟了! 我知道,我知道!我该怎么办? 哦! 不要! 你不要自己开溜,把她扔在这里! 好吧。 哦! 乔伊! 呃,乔伊很快就会回来。 很快回来! 趁这个时间,我们来谈谈你吧! 你年纪老,个子小, 找到了吗? 耳环?没有。不过我从沙发下面找到了太阳镜! 从去年夏天我就开始找它了。 那是我的,你向我借的。 哦,别激动,还给你。 菲比! - 怎么办?!- 不知道,不知道。 好吧, 只好告诉她了,只能这样了。 上帝,她会宰了我的。 我可以跟她说是我弄丢的。 太谢谢了! 莫妮卡,我有点事想告诉你。 什么事? 呃,我把你的耳环弄丢了一只。对不起!真是对不起! Wow! 没关系,还能怎么样呢?丢就丢了呗。 我会帮你配一只的,我保证。 我好内疚。 好了,亲爱的,没事,你又不是故意的。 不行。 你瞧你!过来! - 好点了吗?- 好多了!你最好了! 等一下,等一下, 我不能这么做。 亲爱的,听我说,不是菲比搞丢的, 她把耳环借给我,我搞丢了。 真对不起!亲爱的,我也好内疚。 就是因为这个我才不把东西借给你! 首先,你弄丢了我的首饰!除了首饰,还有我的蓝色外套!除了外套,还有我的太阳镜! 你的太阳镜?! 是的! 哦,对哦! - Pizza!- 哦,我的! 我的! 我的! 现在开始,准备好了吗?顶级放电秀即将上演。 等一下。 可以了。 亲爱的,你不需要证明什么。何况如果你真的喜欢她,我认为挑逗并不是一个好…… 走着瞧吧。 - 哦,她叫什么来着?- 凯特琳! 凯特琳! 嗨! 哦,我们不能再这么吃下去了。 - 12块5。- 好的, 你们的pizza是用烧木柴的炉子烤出来的吗? 不是的,我想是用煤气吧。 煤气? Wow! 很剧烈。 如果盖勒家的人都是这么个挑逗法,我就不用担心了。 嘿,你知道煤气有一种气味吗? 知道。 是加进去的。 什么?! 煤气是无嗅的, 但他们加入一种气味剂,这样一旦发生泄露你就能觉察到。 哦! 其他很多气体也有气味, 还有没有人性啊。 像天然气啦…… 好了,我想我得走了。 可我还没给你钱呢! 不要紧, 你们今天叫了这么多,这一个算我请的。 我刚才在跟她谈煤气吗? 除了这个没别的了。 我觉得很有意思。 抱歉。 嘿,嘿,不用,不用担心! 九年之内,我一定能达到目的。 好吧,我把这些盒子扔出去。 - 罗斯?- 嗯? 还有什么是添加了气味剂的? 嗨!嗨!嗨嗨! 我叫瑞秋,住楼上的。 叫了一大堆pizza的那间。 哦,pizza有问题吗? 没有没有,没问题,很棒的pizza。 是关于我朋友罗斯的。 他每次调情的时候都会很紧张。 天哪! 刚才那是调情吗?! - 是。- Wow! 我知道,我知道,我只是想跟你说, 一旦你度过了那个让你生不如死的阶段, 你就知道他为人其实很不错。 整天谈论煤气?! 对。其实他很招人喜欢,很有趣, 而且他心肠很好。 而且,我觉得他真的很喜欢你。 真的?! 你也看见了,我们只有7个人,叫了10个pizza,你说为什么呢? 乔伊不是在那里吗? 嗨,罗斯, 呃,我刚才在走廊里碰到凯特琳, 你的挑逗手段比我想象中有效。 什么意思? 我不知道为什么,她让我把她的电话给你。 她给你的? 对! 瑞秋,谢谢你,不过我不需要你帮忙。 我没有啊,没有,是她觉得你很可爱。 - 这我相信!- 对吧! 嗨! 还在播电视剧吗? 就快演完了。 看啊!哦! 那不是教皇吗?! 我又看个什么? 哦,我来了,我的镜头! 后退! 我有枪! 我会开枪的!- 哦,乔伊!- 对啦! 你就不能换件衣服? 听好了,我要一个手提箱,装上十万美金。去!去!去!十万美金,要小面值的,要是我拿不到……去!! 要是我拿不到,我就毙了这只鸭子!不要啊! 我要出来了! 她会相信吗? 乔伊,真勇敢! 那是下周的节目预告,下周的! 我一定会看那个的! - 怎么样?看上去一样吗?- 当然! - 两个比较起来呢? - 哦,不太像。 - 可以走了吗?- 可以了。 你真漂亮。 我真是世界上最幸运的人。 哦,等一会你会更加幸运。 让我看看耳环。 哦,耳环…… 真漂亮! 你的男朋友是不是很有品位? 他确实很有品位! 多谢你帮忙挑选耳环。

The One Where Ross Can't Flirt

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion?

Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George.

Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there?

Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.

(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)

Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler!

Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.

Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.

Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting.

Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even.

Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.

(The duck starts quacking.)

Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken?

Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.

Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I'll see you later!

Chandler: Okay, bye!

(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)

Ross: What the hell was that?!

Chandler: What?

Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my sister?!

Chandler: I was not flirting.

Ross: It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)"

Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.

Ross: Yeah, right.

Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)

Ross: (backing away) I'm good.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]

Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law & Order!

Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?

Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.

Phoebe: Don't get me started on that.

(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)

Chandler: I was not flirting.

Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame!

Rachel: What's going on?

Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!

Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh!

Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.

Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl.

Ross: Well…

Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?

(Ross looks at Rachel.)

Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.

Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.

Rachel: Hm-mmm.

Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little…

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements.

Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!

Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.

Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.

Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother!

Rachel: Big night!

Phoebe: This is so cool!

Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!

Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.

Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again.

Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me.

(They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.)

Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so…

Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!

Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)

Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London…

Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)

Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't?

Chandler: The one that doesn't.

Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready.

Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?

Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home!

Phoebe: But I like it here!

Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.

Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them.

Monica: Great!

Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed.

Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her room.)

(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on…)

Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?

Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.)

Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!

Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one?

Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them?

Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.

Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!

Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings.

Phoebe: These are her earrings.

Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff!

Phoebe: Why not?

Rachel: Because I lose her stuff!

[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]

Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later.

(His grandmother asks him something.)

Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up.

Chandler: If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference?

Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing?

Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary!

Monica: It's a diaper commercial.

Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!

(There's a knock on the door.)

Caitlin: Pizza delivery!

Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)

Caitlin: Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.

Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin: What?!

Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.

Caitlin: Oh. Thanks.

Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin: Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money.

Chandler: Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.

Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)

Chandler: You're welcome.

Ross: You couldn't let me have her, could ya?!

Chandler: What?

Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!

Monica: What's goin' on?

Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!

Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.

Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine.

Ross: Really?!

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time.

Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?

Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you!

Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.

Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)

Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?

Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?

Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Ross: And thank you, for that.

Rachel: But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.

Ross: What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you.

Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me!

Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!

Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it!

Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it?

Phoebe: On your dresser.

Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have!

Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God.

Monica: What?

Joey: (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.

Chandler: (smiling) Well, what is it?

Joey: (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.

Rachel: (smiling) What?!

Ross: (smiling) Are you sure?

Phoebe: (smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up?

Joey: (smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that body bag right there

Rachel: (smiling) Yeah.

Joey: (smiling) I'm in it.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.]

Phoebe: (smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do?

Joey: (smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died.

Phoebe: (not smiling) That's not good.

Joey: (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all smile.)

Rachel: (smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your fault.

Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?

Grandma Tribbiani: (Something in Italian to Joey.)

Joey: Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn't him.)

Grandma Tribbiani: (pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston!

Joey: No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me.

Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One.

Chandler: Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One.

(Phoebe gets up.)

Monica: (following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to leave as soon as the show is over.

Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you!

Monica: No you didn't.

Phoebe: All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said. (Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring?

Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.)

Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.

Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?

Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?!

(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?

Phoebe: (she just looks at him) Why are you being weird?

Ross: Do you like it?

Phoebe: No, that would be, "Why are you being cute?"

Ross: Okay, I'm working on my flirting.

Phoebe: Ohh! I did not get that.

[Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]

Chandler: So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?

Monica: Yeah, it's good.

Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!

Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.

Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women.

Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women.

Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"

Monica: No way!

Chandler: It's true.

Monica: Well that's pathetic!

Chandler: Again true.

Monica: And this goes for all guys?

Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.

Joey: (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her!

Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like (checks his watch) ten minutes left!

Joey: I know, I know! What am I going to do? (Thinks) Ooh!

Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here!

Joey: (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.)

Grandma Tribbiani: Joey!

Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.

[Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.]

Rachel: (entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey!

Phoebe: Did you find it?

Rachel: The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts 'em on.)

Phoebe: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me.

Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.)

Monica: (entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the one-minute sign.)

Phoebe: (To Rachel) What are we going to do?!

Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.

Phoebe: All right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all.

Rachel: Oh gosh, she's going to kill me.

Phoebe: I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault.

Rachel: Ohh that'd be great!

Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a sec?

Monica: Yeah, what is it?

Phoebe: Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry!

Monica: (shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it you lost it.

Phoebe: I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible.

Monica: All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Look at you! Come here! (They hug.) Feel better?

Phoebe: Yeah! You're the best!

Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.)

Monica: (angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses!

Rachel: Your sunglasses?!

Monica: Yes!

Phoebe: Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.)

Caitlin: (from outside) Pizza!

Ross: (running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes. Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting.

Chandler: Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)

Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to… (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)

Ross: You'll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh, what's-what's her name?

All: Caitlin!

Grandma Tribbiani: Caitlin!

Ross: (He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.)

Caitlin: It's uh, $12.50.

Ross: Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens?

Caitlin: No actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas.

Ross: Gas? Wow! Intense.

Chandler: (To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.

Ross: (to Caitlin) Hey uh, y'know that smell gas has?

Caitlin: (wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible, horrible place) Yeah.

Ross: They put that in.

Caitlin: What?!

Ross: The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.

Caitlin: (getting more desperate to leave) Well okay!

Ross: A lot of other gas smells…

Chandler: Oh the humanity.

Ross: Meth-methane smells…

Caitlin: Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go.

Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!

Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.)

(Ross closes the door slowly.)

Ross: (To All) Was I talking to her about gas?

Chandler: More so than anything else.

Phoebe: I-I-I found it interesting.

Rachel: I'm sorry.

Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)

Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.)

Phoebe: (walking over to Ross) Ross?

Ross: Yeah?

Phoebe: What else do they add smell too?

[Scene: The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all the pizza?

Caitlin: Oh, is there a problem?

Rachel: No. No. Every thing's--they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting.

Caitlin: Oh my God! That was flirting?!

Rachel: Yeah.

Caitlin: Wow!

Rachel: I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person.

Caitlin: The guy with the gas?!

Rachel: Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you.

Caitlin: Really?!

Rachel: Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think?

Caitlin: I just, I thought Joey was there.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey's grandmother are still watching Law & Order.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.

Ross: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. (Hands him the slip of paper with the phone number on it.)

Ross: And she just gave you this?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors.

Rachel: I-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute.

Ross: Well that I can believe.

Rachel: Yay!

Joey: (entering) Hey! Is the show still on?

Chandler: Almost over man.

Joey: (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.)

Chandler: Why am I looking?

Joey: Oh, here I am, here's my big scene!

(Joey has made a little home movie that's his big scene. He braces himself against the door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater says…)

Joey: (on the tape) All right back off! I gotta gun! I'm not afraid to use it!

Grandma Tribbiani: Oh Joey!

Joey: That's right!

Chandler: You couldn't have at least changed your shirt.

Joey: (on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I don't get it…(the duck quacks louder) Choo!! And if I don't get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I'm gonna shoot this duck!

Phoebe: Oh no!

Joey: (on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy this?!

Grandma Tribbiani: Joey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.)

(Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really, really close to the camera.)

Chandler: (singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown…engines…on!

(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)

Joey: (to his grandmother) That's uh, scenes from next week's show. Next week's!

Phoebe: I am definitely gonna watch that!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.]

Monica: What about these? These look the same?

Phoebe: Definitely!

Monica: Not as each other!

Phoebe: Oh, then no.

(Goes over to Chandler.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Chandler: You ready?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Monica: Ohh, you're about to get a little luckier.

Chandler: Let me see the earrings.

Monica: Oh, honey, the earrings…

Chandler: (looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?

Monica: My boyfriend really does have good taste!

(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man.

Ross: Hm-mmm.

End

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