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老友记第五季The One With The Ride Along

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各位听好明天是爱米丽再婚的日子我们要尽可能采取一切手段转移罗斯的注意力好点子嘿,伙计们想想看,爱米丽明天就要结婚了噢,罗斯!看,看!什么?看哪?就在那里!那里看,看!叫我看什么?你们倒是帮帮忙啊!莫妮卡,抱歉我昨晚没来我跟盖瑞出去了他让我一起去驾车巡逻我们阻止了罪案的发生你上了巡逻车?-我也想去巡逻!-我也是-好啊!好,我也去!真的?你行吗?我行-那很危险哎,-我喜欢冒险-好,你们今晚有空吗-有!今晚?你没说那是晚上的行动很高兴你回家了今晚我们终于能够整理好这些照片了噢,谢天谢地!终于!分门别类假日类、生日类,还有抓拍的照片另外我按照主题,做好了交叉索引例如,查询: “生日”和“狗”,会得到152号照片明白了?噢,是我和拉普喔,我好想念那只狗你也能在”狗和死”这个目录下找到它好,多谢!把那盒照片递给我最后一盒了好抱歉好在你都编过号了还没有!我用152号照片设计方案而已!亲爱的,没关系的我来给你杯饮料?玛格丽塔酒怎样?罗斯有搅拌器全搞砸了没关系的宝贝我到罗斯那边取搅拌器-你把调玛格丽塔酒的原材料准备齐全-好的他的钥匙在抽屉里我还需要一点现金要我去ATM机取款吗?不。罗斯房间里总有些零钱的什么?什么什么?我没拿过!真酷,伙计你向那家伙施压的方式太棒了天越来越黑他全招了,你完全制服他了只要说他是受害者他们通常都很多嘴正式到晚上了-盖瑞,要我去拿点浆果吗-那叫樱桃钱德!好,我知道了这里的三明治是最棒的有肉丸子吗?有融化的芝士和沙司酱呢?有!不许在我车里吃噢,好你的警车都是我们纳税人的钱买的你纳税?算了哇,那三明治真的很香我允许你闻了吗?我不能闻吗?“色”、“香”、“味”同样重要!你把好味道全吸跑了我还你一块三明治有什么了不起想象一下,你最棒的性经验-你想到莫妮卡吗?-是那是怎样的?请真当恐龙!求你“墨西哥制造“谁会买这样的东西瑞秋,是我,接电话!怎么了?我这边材料不够我需要盐、特制的玛格丽塔预拌汁、龙舌兰酒我们那边只有冰而已?-看看他那边有没有冰!-好你好,罗斯我是爱米丽我有点忧伤明天我就要结婚了也许我要结婚我一直想着你我不知道我们轻言放弃对不对你有想起我吗?你当然不会想我但假如你想我,今晚给我打电话吧-好,拜拜-哦,天啊接下来我们去哪儿?证人不回我电话我们就在他回家时、给他个惊喜惊、惊喜?我们不会惹恼什么人吧?别这样,伙计你打算在他的律师赶来前,给罪犯施压吗?他是证人,不是罪犯而且没有人那样说话的对,没有人那样说话的-噢,警察先生!-我比你们两个像警察凭什么?我坐前座,明白吗?我是盖瑞的搭档当你说“搭档”听起来就不象警察了听来像同性恋酸葡萄安静点好吗?我们在当差好,没问题-罗斯!-抱歉,看那儿!嘿,盖瑞。我是谁?打电话回家看着罗斯警官跟访客一起回来吧发生了什么冲突?你有想起我吗?不,你当然没有了但假如你想我今晚打我电话好,再见不!我明白!感谢上帝,你在这里我们要把它删除掉什么?我们不能那样做!我们必须删掉!假如罗斯听到给她打电话,他们就又在一起了你想这样吗?罗斯就再回到她的控制下神经病、疯子爱米丽她还不许他再见你不!噢,不噢,天!他不该再跟她一起我知道,你也知道甚至罗斯也知道但我们没有权利去删掉他的口信我是他妹妹,我爱他我不想看到他受伤那不就给了我控制他的权力?帮他的权利?他不需要帮助她很明显情绪不稳她想在婚礼当天落跑没错她竟想把我哥放到为难的境地!他会怎么做?罗斯会跑去婚礼现场搞破坏吗?谁会那样做我说的不是那意思不过同样会有很多人受牵连她跟他开什么玩笑!你疯了,抱歉这么说她听来很伤心听着 “您的口信已经被删除”不——我们安全了,对吧?事情不会更糟了不,不过你提醒我了,签名吧这是什么?上面说,如果你擦破膝盖,或者被轰掉脑袋,都不能起诉快!我想签名他来了他在做什么?他到底在做什么?那是什么?一切都顺利吧?出什么事了?他看见我们了。别动,别看他!嘿,没事的只是汽车逆火嘿,瞧你,在保护你的兄弟你看到了?你看到他的行动吗?-你没事吧,伙计?-呃——谢谢,乔伊-哈罗-嗨我们该走了不,等等好了不,莫妮卡莫妮卡,我们必须收拾烂摊子我们无能为力,口信已经被你删掉了我们可以转告他如果你想理性处理这事我不跟你争行吗?-你想告诉他?尽管去说-我不想介入也许又是爱米丽打来留同样的口信小罗斯我希望你牢记这感觉活着真幸运让每天的生活更充实爱自己,好吗?还有买邮票再见哇!把这条口信播给爱米丽听麻烦就烟消云散了?对吧有人要见英雄吗?约翰格伦来了?不,乔伊是英雄!我们经历了最不平凡的一夜我们在车上的时候-等一下!嗨-嗨好,继续我们在车上,接着“砰”一声枪响乔伊不顾自身安危扑到了我身上我的天!是汽车逆火但他不知情对,我不知情那很可能就是一颗子弹乔,有没想过加入警队?我们需要你这样的人听到巨响就扑救!哇,我今晚差点没命没错!假如发生逆火的汽车冲向你的话!我要在罗斯阐述他新发现的生命的意义之前、赶紧回家我真的发现了生命的新意义噢,我的天!-你要吃东西吗?-当然你知道吗?假如现在听到枪声,我也会扑到你身上真的?我们出去走走吧-好-走吧-再见-再见别再唠叨了我可不想在同一天里救你一命又得教训你一顿你为什么避开我?我去走走在起居室里走动走动有什么不对劲吗?不,我只是累了走累了你在罗斯面前dove!罗斯!就是原因噢,天你讨厌罗斯!我不讨厌罗斯你讨厌他。我救了他,你生我气。所以这样你想赶罗斯出局出什么局?不知道,但我不喜欢这样汽车逆火的时候你救了罗斯,我很高兴但那很可能是颗子弹你没有想要救我你伤心是因为你以为我选罗斯而忽略了你不,我知道你能照顾自己的罗斯需要帮助,他不像你一样street你为罗斯而冒生命危险,而没有想到我那就是问题所在不,不是这样听着我不是想救罗斯懂吗?我的三明治在罗斯旁边明白吗?我只是想救我的三明治免得它挨枪子?-我知道这不合情理-不合情理?钱德,这是本能!我只是下意识的那,你为了三明治而冒生命危险我知道听来很疯狂但这是世上最棒的三明治!那你并不是选了罗斯而忽略我当然不是。我决不会那样你像是我的兄弟-当真?-对!为证明你对我有多重要给-谢谢-小心,那不是热狗好吃吧?-恩?-恩!老兄,你还想吃多少?我以为你在想我显示你对我有多重要只咬一口Gee-e-e-eez!-嘿-嗨瑞秋,你在这做什么?嘿,知道吗?你总来我们家!只是a drop in the bucket mister那没关系重要的是你在这里你是我朋友而你在这里只是有点可怕罗斯怎么了?今晚发生了最不可思议的事我的境界提升了我有了接近死亡的经历!发生什么事了?我们不是跟盖瑞一起巡逻吗?有人向我开枪!我们在跟盖瑞一起监视有人向我开枪!真的?不,是汽车逆火但我以为有人向我开枪然后,瑞秋我生还了!我内心充满了对生命的敬畏我要享受每一刻抓住每个机会我看待事物从未如此清晰就只因为汽车逆火?对了,你在这里干什么/我不知当不当讲,你刚说了要抓住每个机会爱米丽今天给你电话了-你们聊过了?-她留下了口信但被删除了你的机器出了问题她说什么?她再婚前的迟疑还有你们的分手是否是个错误她想你回电话给她哇我转告你是对的,对吧?对。当然好,谢谢为什么这么问?对不起,因为因为她不想我回电话?这事不重要,重要的是我是对的。你自己做决定吧我是对的你做决定好我想我该给电话爱米丽不,那不是正确的决定不能这样干罗斯,别这样!我说那女人只会让你痛苦!你真想自讨苦吃吗?听着要是昨天,我决不会考虑给她回电话但今天我差点死翘翘,前妻却恰好来电所以这就意义非凡那不是接近死亡的体验!那根本算不上什么体验!你当时不在现场!也许那就是我该抓牢的机会,懂吗?你知道吗?也许这不是你该抓牢的机会而是暗示你该逃跑-恩?-今天你从死神手里逃脱也许这是你从爱米丽手上逃脱的机会有道理因为我真的想抓住每个机会但我真的不想和她见面或交谈这就对了!对,也许今天只是——-不回电话日-不回电话日谢谢,瑞秋宝贝,不用谢等一下!留言灯在闪!也许你没有删掉小罗斯,是旧口信,不用听了要听!莫妮卡在吗?我要回我的钱你大概要用来买邮票,对吧盖瑞有被射中过吗有过一次险些他开枪差点伤到自己那可不高明我只想知道自己在子弹飞来时会作何反应不是汽车逆火,而是真正的枪火比如上战场什么的我若参战一定表现杰出!我能当个出色的军事领袖没准我能当上将军什么的,而你们则不行那是先于还是后于你被自己的部队射中呢?我知道乔伊会在散兵坑里保护我们的假如那散兵坑里堆满三明治的话对,三明治英雄!你们都知道,我是个和平主义者我对战争没兴趣但若发生革命我会消灭你们!留你一个,乔伊

The One With The Ride Along

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, and Monica are sitting on the couch as Ross is up getting some coffee.]

Monica: Okay, guys, listen, don't forget that tomorrow is the day that Emily gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep Ross's mind off of it.

Joey: Oh, yeah, good idea.

(Ross returns.)

Chandler: Hey man, what's up?

Ross: (sits down at the table) Oh, eh, just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow. (Joey panics.)

Joey: Ooh, Ross, look! Look! (Points behind Ross.)

Ross: (turning and looking) What? Where?

Joey: Right over there! Right there! Look-look-look!

Ross: What am I looking at?

Joey: (to the rest of the gang) Somebody help me out here!

Phoebe: (entering, with Gary) Hey!

Gary: Hello!

Monica: Hey!

Gary: How are you?

Phoebe: Monica, I'm sorry I didn't come by last night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes.

Joey: You got to go on a ride along?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Joey: I want to go on a ride along!

Ross: Me too!

Gary: Okay!

Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too!

Gary: Really?! You?

Chandler: Yeah.

Gary: Well, it's kinda dangerous.

Chandler: Well, I like danger.

Gary: Okay, you guys free tonight?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!!

Chandler: Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is kneeling at the coffee table and has a bunch of pictures laid out in front of her as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I thought tonight we could finally organize these photos!

Rachel: Ohh, thank God! Finally!

Monica: Okay, I've broken them down into categories. Okay, we have uh, we got holidays, birthdays, candids, y'know… And then what I've done is I've cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? (Hands her the photo.)

Rachel: Ohh, it's me and La Poo! Wow! I miss that dog.

Monica: You can also find him under umm, dog and dead.

Rachel: Great! Thanks!

Monica: All right, hand me that other box of photos; that's the very last one.

Rachel: Okay.

(She picks up the box and the bottom falls out, spilling all of the pictures onto Monica's neat little piles.)

Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you number all of them, huh?

Monica: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype.

Rachel: Ohhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it's okay, it's okay honey. I'm gonna fix you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita?

Ross: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything's just falling apart!

Rachel: No honey, it's okay! Listen, I'll got to Ross's and get the blender, you get all the margarita stuff ready.

Monica: All right, he's keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need some cash.

Rachel: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM?

Monica: Nah, while you're at Ross's if you see any lying around…

Rachel: What?!

Monica: What?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that!

(Rachel slowly leaves the apartment.)

[Scene: Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back seat.]

Ross: (to Gary) That was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy.

Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there.

Ross: (to Gary) He told you everything! I mean you totally cracked him!

Gary: Yeah well, being that he was the victim, they're usually pretty talkative.

Chandler: (laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime.

(Gary reaches up to grab that little light that cops have for unmarked cop cars.)

Ross: Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry for ya?

Gary: It's called the cherry.

Ross: It's the—Chandler!!

(Chandler starts laughing at his joke.)

Joey: (returning from a deli) Okay, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich in the world!

Gary: Hey Joe does it have meatballs on it?

Joey: Oh-ho, yeah!

Gary: Does it have melted cheese and marinara sauce?

Joey: Yep!

Gary: Yeah, you can't eat that in my car.

Joey: (dejected) Yeah okay. (To Chandler) Even though my tax dollars paid for this car.

Chandler: Your tax dollars?

Joey: Yeah, okay.

[Time lapse, they're still on the ride along and Joey is just sniffing his sandwich.]

Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good.

Joey: Did I say you could smell it?!

Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?

Joey: Half the taste is in the smell! You-you're sucking up all the tastiness!

Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?

Joey: Okay, imagine the best sex you've ever had.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Are you thinking about Monica?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah, what's that like?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is just entering. She takes off her coat and heads for the kitchen. As she does, she knocks something off of a bookcase next to the kitchen door with her coat and it breaks.]

Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)

Monica: (on the answering machine) Rach! It's me! Pick up!

(Rachel runs over and answers the phone with the blender in hand.)

Rachel: Hey! What's up?!

Monica: I need a few more things to make the margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt, some margarita mix, and tequila.

Rachel: So all we have is ice?

Monica: See if he has ice.

Rachel: Okay.

(She hangs up the phone and starts to head back to the kitchen and notices some money lying out, stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings causing her to drop it, she quickly puts it back, and heads for the kitchen.)

Emily: (on answering machine) Hello Ross? It's Emily. (Rachel runs back into the room with the tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and I'm wondering if-if we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Rachel: Oh. Oh! (Takes a slug of tequila.)

[Scene: The ride along.]

Ross: So where are we going next?

Gary: This witness won't return my calls so we're gonna see if we can surprise him coming home.

Chandler: Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we?

Joey: Come on man! (To Gary) Listen so uh, are you gonna squeeze the perps shoes a little bit before he lawyers up?

Gary: It's a witness not a perp. And no one talks like that!

Ross: Yeah, no one talks like that!

Joey: Oh what? Like your Mr. Cop!

Ross: Hey, I'm more cop than you two!

Chandler: How do you figure that?

Ross: Hello! I'm in the front seat, okay? I'm Gary's partner!

Chandler: Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay.

Ross: Umm, jealous! (He drops the cherry and it turns on.)

Gary: Hey, do you mind? We're under cover here.

Ross: Yeah, no problem. (Tries to turn it off.)

Gary: Ross!

Ross: Sorry! Sorry! Oh, (He sticks it under his shirt) there! (It's just there flashing through his shirt) Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home!

(Gary just glares at him.)

[Time lapse, Ross has been demoted to the back seat with Joey and Chandler. He's not too happy about it.]

Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.

Joey: Yeah, what's up with that Serpico?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is playing Emily's message to Monica.]

Emily: (on answering machine) Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Monica: (does Rachel's) Nooo!

Rachel: (does Monica's) I know!

Monica: Well thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that!

Rachel: What?! We can't do that!

Monica: We have too! I mean what if Ross's hears that and then calls her back and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you?

Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her. I know that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesn’t give us the right to erase his message!

Monica: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesn’t that give me the right to control him—help him?

Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help.

(They both sit down.)

Monica: No, look, she's obviously unstable, okay? I mean she's thinking about running out on her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and glares at her.) (Realizing what she just said.) Okay, fine! But I mean, look at the position she's putting him in! What's he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! (Rachel again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Okay, fine, all right, but that's y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people.

Rachel: Ugh!

Monica: Y'know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she's trying to play on him.

Rachel: Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded generally upset! I mean, listen! (She hits a button on the machine.)

Answering Machine: Your messages have been erased.

Rachel: Noooooooo!

[Scene: The ride along, they're all waiting outside of the witness's house and still in the car in the same places as before.]

Chandler: Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!

Gary: No. But that reminds me, (handing back a clipboard) sign this.

Ross: What is it?

Gary: Oh it's nothing, it just says that you can't sue the city if you scrap your knee or y'know, get your head blown off.

Chandler: (deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.

Gary: Okay, here he comes. What is he doing? What the hell is he doing?!

Ross: What? What? What? What is it?

Joey: Is everything okay?

Chandler: What's going on?

Gary: Okay, he sees us. Now don't move. Don't look at him.

(They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey slowly throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at what he sees while Chandler is obviously hurt.)

Gary: Hey, it's okay. It was just a car backfire. (Joey slowly moves off of Ross.) Hey, look at that! You tried to save your buddy. You see that? You see what he did?

Joey: (To Ross) You okay man?

Ross: Uh-huh. Thank Joey!

Chandler: Uh, HELLO!!

Joey: Hi.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Monica has all the supplies she needs and is getting ready to leave.]

Monica: All right, I guess we should go.

Rachel: No, wait. Wait.

Monica: Oh yeah right! (She grabs the money and shoves into her pocket.)

Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this!

Monica: There's nothing we can do. You erased the message!

Rachel: Yeah well unless we tell him.

Monica: Well, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don't want to be a part of it.

(The phone rings.)

Rachel: Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message.

Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.)

Monica: Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away!

Rachel: Right?

[Scene: Central Perk, the guys are returning from the ride along to find Phoebe already there.]

Gary: Hey, anybody want to meet a hero?

Phoebe: (excited) John Glenn is here?!

Gary: No, Joey!

Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night! Okay, so, we're in the car…

Gary: Wait! Hold on! (He goes over to Phoebe and gives her a kiss.) (To Phoebe) Hi!

Phoebe: Hi!

Gary: (To Ross) Okay, go ahead.

Ross: Okay, okay, so we're in the car. Right? And bang! A shot was fired. And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me!

Phoebe: My God, Joey!

Chandler: (pouting) It was a car backfire!

Ross: Yeah, but-but he didn't know that!

Joey: Yeah, I didn't know that.

Ross: And it could've just as easily have been a bullet.

Gary: Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you.

Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises!

Ross: Wow! I could've died tonight.

Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.)

Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life.

Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)

Gary: (To Phoebe) So you wanna get some dinner?

Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! (Gets up) Oh, y'know what? If I heard a shot right now, I'd throw my body on you.

Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk through a bad neighborhood.

Phoebe: Okay!

Gary: All right.

Phoebe: Bye!

Ross and Joey: Bye!

(They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.)

Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is pacing as Joey enters.]

Joey: Dude! How come you took off?

Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever…

Joey: Is something wrong?

Chandler: No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!

Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross!

Chandler: I do not hate Ross!

Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture.

Chandler: What picture?

Joey: I don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing!

Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!

Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I…knew…you could take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he need help. He's not street like us!

Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line.

Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich.

Chandler: From a bullet!

Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense…

Chandler: Much sense?!

Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it!

Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich!

Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is (Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world!

Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me.

Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother!

Chandler: Really?!

Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds it out for Chandler) here.

Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)

Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog!

(Chandler takes a bite.)

Joey: How good is that?

Chandler: (with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!

Joey: See?

Chandler: Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!

Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.

Joey: Yeah. With a bite! (Takes back the sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.]

Rachel: Hey! Hi!

Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here?

Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister!

Ross: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're here. You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.)

Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What's going on Ross?

Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience!

Rachel: What?! What? What happened?!

Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: And somebody took a shot at me!

Rachel: (gasps) Really?!

Ross: No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I…I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know? I-I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now.

Rachel: Because a car backfired?

Ross: (stares at her briefly) Okay, why are you here?

Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called you today.

Ross: You talked to her?

Rachel: No, she left a message. (He starts for the machine.) (Stopping him.) But it-it kinda got erased. There's just (Pause) something wrong with your machine.

Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say?

Rachel: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her.

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right?

Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course!

Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you! Because—I'm sorry, all right. Because y'know what? She didn't want me—not important. The point is, I was right. Your decision. Okay? I was right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) Your decision.

Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.

Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right, no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that?

Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean something!

Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience!

Ross: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that I-I'm supposed to seize! Y'know?

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff.

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped (Pause) (Not believing it) death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily?

Ross: That does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity, but I-I really don't wanna see or talk to her.

Rachel: Well, there you go!

Ross: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day.

Rachel: (laughing) Close call day.

Ross: Hey, thanks Rach. (They hug.)

Rachel: Ohh, honey no problem. Okay. (Gets up.)

Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it.

Rachel: Oh?

(Ross hits the playback button.)

Ross: (on machine) "Hey Ross, it's you!" (Hits the stop button) Oh yeah, no that's-that's an old message, nobody needs to hear that.

Rachel: No. (She heads for the door again.)

Ross: (looking at the coffee table where his money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah, I want my money back.

Rachel: (going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right?

(Ross is stunned.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Ross: Hey Pheebs, has Gary ever been shot at for real?

Phoebe: Yes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it to himself. It's not really a good story.

Ross: I wonder how I would react under fire, y'know? And not backfire but-but heavy fire, like I was in a war or something.

Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I mean, I really, I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean I know I would make General way before any of you guys.

Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.

Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.

Joey: Yeah, hero sandwiches. (Points at Ross who points back.)

Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war in any way. (Gets up) But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.

(Joey gets all happy with himself, while the rest of the gang is less than enthused.)

End

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