好吧,这些厨房用品中那些是我的? 这个开瓶器 还有? 还有就是它是带磁性的! 看看这个! 真是太不可思议了,你明白吗? 你要搬来跟我住了. 并且带着那个我没有的东西 就象 嗯,在某种程度上你 你成全了我 的厨房 什么?! 你完善了我的厨房,好伙伴! 罗斯,我知道你想的是什么 什么? 就是她要搬来和你一起住了并且她会再次爱上你. 而当那时她发现你们已经结婚了她会高兴的,懂吗? 你 你真可耻 噢上帝呀! 我 我明白这是怎么一回事了. 你爱上瑞秋了! 什么?!! 当然咯!这太合理了! 我是说你 你被她迷住了.就是这样 罗斯,你要对瑞秋怎么样? 罗斯,你 你为什么要搬去和瑞秋住? 你什么时候才会向瑞秋坦白你们那秘密的婚约!? 你要她! 不! 啊噢, 电话铃救了你 你好 嘿瑞秋,这些烛台不是我的吗? 不不,这是我买的 噢!对,我忘了 你是个骗子 不不不,那太好了! 我会在周一到那儿的,再次谢谢你!好的 呃 那是大学古生物系的头儿(学校是) N Y U (纽约大学) 哇奥! 他 说了 什么 ? 还记得我去年发表的那篇关于沉积物流动率的论文吗? 他们喜欢 对,有谁不呢?! 我知道! 总之,他们请我去做客席讲师 我是说这是临时的,不过呢,如果他们喜欢我的话那就可能会变成一份全职工作了 想想信箱上的大写(字母)瞧起来会有多棒? "盖勒教授" 对,教授及夫人 及夫人?! 噢! 对呀,你知道你和罗斯还结着婚呢 什么?! 开个玩笑 噢!噢 上帝! 救你一命 乔伊失去了保险 字幕提供:www.topcmm.com 翻译:smileboy 嘿! 嗨! 噢,怎么了 好吧,你认识那个我看过的通灵者吗? 对呀? 她说我这个礼拜会死 于是对此我就有点状态不佳 什么?! 对,我知道你们几个不太了解通灵术 但这可是你能得到的最糟的结果了 菲比这太疯狂了 我不能相信她会对你说那些东西 是啊亲爱的,你不相信她,不是吗? 我不? 你知道她说过我会生个三胞胎的! 但她也说过其中一个是黑人 只是出于好奇,她有没有说你会怎么死? 没有,因为她不到最后关头也不会告诉我我会死 因此从现在开始我不会再浪费任何一个小时了! 我是说我只有一个礼拜了,知道吗? 我真是该开始好好活了! 嘿各位! 噢 嗨! 嘿 ,今天是我的第一堂课, 我有点想先给你们讲讲试试 你们,你们介意吗? 噢 那太好了,当然可以! 关于沉积物的流动率有三种主要理论 其中每一种又能被进一步分成两种截然不同的 噢 就是它了 就是它会杀了我 子理论 其中第一个子理论是 噢 罗斯! 那张纸上有 有脱光的女孩儿吗? 没有! 为什么(会有)? 好吧,我可从没见过一个人那么认真的盯着一张纸, 而那纸上却没有脱光的女孩儿. 噢! 好吧 好吧 有三种... 主要的理论 关于沉积物的流动率 其中每一种又能被进一步分 成 你为什么不用一个笑话来开场呢? 以笑话开场? 那可是大学,不是什么喜剧俱乐部! 等一等, 别挂电话! 你不是在说咯咯笑的大学呀?! 够了! 噢!我们是开玩笑的,开个玩笑嘛! 罗斯,想知道什么能让你的课不那么无聊吗? 非常感谢! 某种呃,某种实际(看的见)的帮助 噢-噢--噢!你知道什么是又好又看的见的帮助吗? 请别说是脱光的女孩儿 为什么不呢? 我-我-我真搞不懂干嘛要费事来跟你们这几个讲这些东西.知道吗? 我就要以我自己的方式来干,用不着脱光的女孩儿 我19岁之前也一直是那么做的. 嘿嘿 有什么好消息吗? 有,有封演员行会给你的信. 噢,说不定是张片酬支票 你能帮我拆开吗,我有点 "保险失效" 真是太奇怪了 我不记得我演过一部叫"保险失效"的电影呀 好吧,这不是支票. 信上说由于你去年工作的不够,你的医疗保险过期了. 让我看看! 好的. 噢,真是难以置信!这太不爽了! 知道吗?有保险时我可以被车撞或是被火烧而没有关系. 而现在我得小心点了?! 我很抱歉,日子将变得不爽当你.... 要避免被火烧的时候. 的确,我想我得找个活儿干了,我要去见我的经理人. 好的,过马路时记住先往左右看看. 过马路时先往左右看看. 嘿! 嘿 菲比 你还活着! 感觉怎么样? 呃,等死真是累人呀. 噢,顺便说一下,你能不能? 菲比,你 你在干什么? 我正准备让你成为我的 难道你不认为我死了吗?难道这没有发生吗? 噢是的,可怕的地狱放弃了我,我想我们要永远失去你了. 菲比,躺下来 好的,谢谢.听着,你能帮我个忙吗? 你能不能嗯,两个小时后叫醒我,如果你能的话. 莫妮卡! 嗯?你把这些拿回去了? 不不,我只是 太喜欢它们了,所以我自己出去买了一对. 噢对,它们真是太漂亮了!不是吗? 我爱它们! 对,干得不错! 你好! 嘿! 嘿! 课讲得怎么样? 太棒了! 而且我也没讲什么笑话或是脱光的女孩儿! Wow,太棒了罗斯.我很遗憾我们之前不太支持你. 我知道我该做的就是让它顺其自然. 大家都认为"罗斯你该有趣些性感些" 好,我证明他们错了! 现在,我要把这个消息告诉乔伊和钱德去了. 是你既不有趣也不性感的消息吗? 非常正确! 嘿 艾丝苔拉,听我说 瞧 瞧 瞧 !乔伊 崔比昂尼 那么你回来了? 别人都以为他们能够做得更好,但最后他们都回到艾丝苔拉的身边来了! 你在说什么呀? 我从没离开过你!你一直是我的经理人! 真的?! 对! 噢 好吧,没恶意的 艾丝苔拉,你得给我找个活儿干,我 我失去了我的健康保险 好吧.首先我们要做的事是,控制损失为什么? 是啊,我想 嗯,有些人在城里给你到处造谣呢. 混蛋! 嘿! 嘿!明天艾丝苔拉给我安排了一大堆试镜. 我马上就又会有医疗保险了. 这太好了,但你是不是该马上去一下厕所? 什么? 你哪里不舒服? 没哪里! 好吧,刚才我 我举重时肚子突然疼得不得了 然后我 呃 就晕过去了 呃 之后就站不起来了 但是 ,我认为这没有什么大不了的. 看上去象是疝气,你得, 你 你得去看医生! 没门儿!瞧着,要是我去医生那儿看些什么病.... 这东西就得从我的肚子里出来! 那是疝气 为什么我又得开始工作了呢? 该死的哑铃! 欧,我们来得早了点,15分钟内课还不会结束. 对,但你知道我们可以偷偷溜进去瞧瞧对,我们可以 嘿瞧啊!那有几个Kappa Kappa Delta的会员!我也是个会员呢 嘿姐妹们! 哇喔,我们真是犯贱 对!当Rigby从实验室取回他的样品时 他有了一个令人震惊的发现! 那些他原以为是火成岩的东西,其实是沉积岩 想象一下当时他有多么的震惊吧 噢该死! 你到底在干些什么呀?! 瞧,我有点紧张! 你们几个让我担心我的课会很无聊 我站在讲台上时学生们都盯着我看 我一张嘴就带上了英国腔 对,而且还不那么正宗 请你 请你让一让好吗? 盖勒教授,我叫科特 拉什曼 我是古生物系的教授 能赏光聊聊你的课吗? 抱歉,我和我的妹妹有事要办 莫妮卡 盖勒 对,您不介意我们俩单独谈一会儿吧? 你说什么呢? 噢,就你能有口音而我不能 上午女士们最棒 请别这样了! 对 对 孟买在一年里的这个时候很漂亮 嘿,能帮我带个煎饼来吗? 坐下! 你要不要去医院了 伙计!疝气手术可能要花不少的钱 而且现在越来越让我疼得眼发花了 这意味着它正在好转 我会借给你钱的 只要你去趟医院,只是把那玩意儿推推回去 谢谢,但这得让我还你一辈子的钱 我不想让这成天让我不安,好吗? 而且,一旦我的保险恢复了,我就能免费做所有我想做的手术了 对呀,我想我可能会以那个激光眼科手术为开端. 嘿! 嘿 出什么事了? 乔伊得了非常严重的疝气,但那不是一个小小的激光眼科手术能治好的! 瞧,我得告诉你,如果我把我的手放在我肚子的这个部位 它就不那么疼了 嘿!你可能会死的! 当然,现在我开始害怕了 不,我们可以一块儿去死的! 就是别屏的太久,好吗?因为我会在礼拜五前的某个时候翘掉 对呀,但我不想死! 不 不,那会很好玩儿的!我们在这里还魂来吓唬他们! 给我! 不!那是我的! 是你从我这里偷去的! 是你偷的!! 给我!! 你想每人拿一个吗? 是啊 这看来挺公平的我们从未用过它们 听着,我确实需要些帮助,好吗? 为什么?为什么我要带着英国腔说话?! 我都干了些什么呀? 为什么你不能让它消失呢? 对,让那口音慢慢淡化. 于是人们就会认为你,你知道的, 你正在适应在美国生活 对呀,我是说,就这么干吧,没人会注意的. 我是说有可能他们都不在听你讲课! 他们不在听我讲课? 他们当然在听你讲课!人人都在听呢 莫妮卡,你是否真的认为我该试试这个淡化的玩意儿 我认为你气色很好 准备好了开始 嘿,添米,我有个惊喜给你 打住了 抱歉 这个惊喜是个新的秋千组合, 你能否稍微带些热情来演呢 噢对,当然,没问题.我会的 稍等一会儿 嘿 添米 我有个惊喜给你 噢上帝呀 这就是为什么我给我的狗喂普雷纳一号的原因 今天就买一包吧! 你得从那儿拿起那包(狗食) 的确 对,底线是你得拿起来,所以你得拿起那包(狗食) 或者说,我可以只是指指他 嗯 无聊无聊无聊 普雷纳一号 就指一包吧 我没合格,是吧? 是的 嗨,我是乔伊崔比昂尼,我来试镜,演个男人 你是说快死的男人吧? 对呀! 好吧,来,再干一次! 真的 真的 真的 你好罗斯 我是假口音大学的麦克娜丽教授 我们希望你来我们这里工作,全职的! 嘿! 嘿! 听着 我的那个通灵预测错了,我不会死了! 真的?!你怎么知道的? 因为我的通灵师死了 她一定是解错了牌 噢,我很抱歉 呃,她死总比我死好 嘿,我们来烘曲奇饼吧! 听这,我很高兴你得到这个角色 谢谢 但你肯定你干得了吗? 当然 而且我还得谢谢你来陪我 并再次感谢你帮我洗澡 够了,别再提这事了 你好 嘿乔伊,就等你了 乔伊,这是阿历克斯,他将扮演你的儿子 你好阿历克斯 对了,你可看见了,我的手可没在裤衩里哟 没有 好了,阿历克斯 当乔伊说他的那句台词 "儿子你要好好照顾你妈妈"时,就到你哭的时候了. 懂了吗 好吧,我们干吧 场景5,第一镜 开拍 儿子你要好好照顾你的妈妈 儿子你要好好照顾你的妈妈 哭呀儿子!你妈可是个好人呀 停 阿历克斯,记住你是要哭的,这次你能哭给大家看吗 可以 好,从头再来 场景5,第2镜 第36镜开始 好吧!让我们再试试!准备好了吗乔伊 嗯,还有间事 你是否介意如果我 如果我在你说开拍前一直大喊 嗯 没问题 开拍 儿子你要好好照顾你的妈妈 停!!!!!! 我很抱歉 嘿 嘿乔伊 你为什么不 嗯 把你的衬衫撩起来 瞧瞧这位老兄 这有个哭包了!让该死的摄影机转起来 你好 你好,罗斯在吗 不,他不在.我能给他带个信吗? 可以,我叫罗塞尔,是罗斯的离婚律师 告诉他由于最近没有他的消息,我猜他是否不准备离婚了 罗斯又结婚了? 不-----!!!!!!!! 好吧,继续,我们要让口音慢慢淡化,让它消掉 所以在没有 重 测 实验室的结果的前提下 这组(人员)是不会鉴别出.... 他们最初所做的碳同位素年代分析中的错误 对此有什么疑问吗 是的 你的口音怎么了? 又来了 这 这都哪儿跟哪儿呀 好吧,我 我不是英国人 我出生在长岛 我真的很紧张,这口音就这么 就这么冒出来了 对不起了 那么,我们能否回到正题上来呢 嗯 还有什么问题吗? 关于古生物学的 好吧,瞧 我只是为了留下一个好的第一印象 很明显 我搞砸了 但你们大家对我的看法真的很重要 因为我 我想在这得到份长久的工作 所以如果你们再给我个机会来给你们留下个好印象的话 罗斯!! 你疯了吗?! 我还是你的老婆!!怎么了,你准备永远不告诉我吗?!! 你到底犯的哪门子傻?!!!! 噢 我真想宰了你 你好瑞秋 你以前真这么干过吗? 对 对 对 只要把胳膊挥的大 大一点,就先在 别犹豫 嘿! 嘿! 你们在干什么? 我们在庆祝乔伊的医疗保险失而复得 噢 好的
The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is packing her belongings to move to Ross’s. She’s standing in the kitchen.]
Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine?
Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of the freezer door.)
Monica: And it’s a magnet!
Rachel: Look at that!
Ross: How weird is that? Y’know? You’re moving in with me and have the one thing I don’t have. It’s like uh, in a way you-you complete me (Phoebe glares at him) kitchen.
Ross: (in an Australian accent) You complete me kitchen, matey!
Phoebe: Ross, I know what you’re thinking.
Phoebe: That she’s gonna move in with you and maybe then she’ll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you’re already married, she’ll just be happy. Y’know? You’re just, you’re very sad.
Ross: Oh…my…God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel!
Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you’re obsessed with her. It’s always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her!
Phoebe: No! (Ross’s phone rings.)
Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell. (On phone) Hello?
[Cut to the living room where Monica is helping pack a box.]
Monica: Hey Rach, aren’t these candlesticks (holds up a pair) mine?
Rachel: No-no, I bought those.
Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot.
Rachel: Yeah. (Rachel walks away.)
Monica: (under her breath) That you’re a liar. (Hides the candlesticks in a drawer.)
Ross: (on phone) No-no-no, that’s great! I’ll be there Monday. And thank you again! (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) (To All) Umm, that was the head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U!
Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say?
Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it.
Rachel: Well, who wouldn’t?!
Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it’s temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? "Professor Geller."
Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs.
Rachel: And Mrs.?!
Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, y’know you and Ross are still married.
Phoebe: Just kidding!
Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! (Laughs her way into the living room.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) Saved your ass.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.]
Chandler: Oh, what’s the matter?
Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see?
Phoebe: Well, she told me that I’m gonna die this week, so I’m kinda bummed about that.
Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don’t know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get.
Monica: Phoebe that’s crazy!
Joey: I can’t believe she would say that too you.
Rachel: Yeah honey you don’t believe her do you?
Phoebe: I don’t—she said y’know that I’d have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black.
Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you’re gonna go?
Phoebe: No, ‘cause she didn’t tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I’ve only got a week left, y’know? I’ve really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and starts reading.)
Ross: (entering) Hey everyone!
Chandler: Oh hi!
Ross: Hey uh, well, today’s my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind?
(They pause to think about it.)
All: Oh that’d be great. Sure!
Ross: (he starts reading directly from his cards word for word very quietly) "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct…"
Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what’s gonna kill me.
Ross: (continuing) "…subcategories. The first of these subcategories is…"
Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?
Ross: No! Why?
Joey: Well, I’ve just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn’t have naked chicks on it.
Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into…"
Chandler: Why don’t you open with a joke?
Ross: Open with a joke? It’s a university, not a comedy club!
Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not talking about Chuckles University?!
Ross: (gets up) Okay!
All: Ohh! We’re kidding! Oh, we’re kidding!
Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring?
Ross: Thank you!
Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides.
Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y’know what’s a good visual aide?
Ross: Please don’t say naked chicks.
Joey: Why not?!
Ross: I-I-I don’t even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y’know what? I’m just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks.
Chandler: That’s the way I did it ‘til I was 19.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.]
Joey: Hey! Any good mail?
Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor’s Guild.
Joey: Ooh, it’s probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, I’m kinda….
Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed."
Joey: Hmm that’s weird. I don’t remember being in a move called benefits lapsed.
Chandler: Okay, it’s not a check. They’re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn’t work enough last year.
Joey: Let me see that!
Chandler: All right.
Joey: (reads it) Oh, I can’t believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y’know? And it wouldn’t matter. Now I gotta be careful?!
Chandler: I’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fire.
Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I’m gonna go see my agent.
Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) …look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe enters to find Rachel still packing.]
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, you’re still alive! How are you doing?
Phoebe: Ugh, it’s so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could—(Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes open and her tongue hanging out.)
Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing?
Phoebe: I was preparing you for my—didn’t you think I was dead? Did that not come off?
Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we’d lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down?
Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y’know if you can.
(Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in and as Monica walks out of her room.)
Monica: Hmm? (Rachel holds up the candlesticks.)
Rachel: Did-did you take these back?
Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself.
Rachel: Oh yeah, they’re really great! Aren’t they?
Monica: I loved them!
Rachel: Yeah. (Monica walks away) Nice try! (Rachel puts them in a box.)
Ross: (entering) Hello!
Monica: How’d the lecture go?
Ross: It went great! And I didn’t need any jokes or naked chicks either!
Rachel: Wow, that’s great Ross, I’m sorry we weren’t more supportive before.
Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone’s all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I’m gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler.
Monica: That you’re not funny or sexy?
Ross: That’s right!
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.]
Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen…
Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!
Joey: What are you talkin’ about? I never left you! You’ve always been my agent!
Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul.
Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance.
Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control.
Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]
Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and I’ll have my health insurance back in no time.
Chandler: That’s great, but shouldn’t you be on the toilet right now?
Chandler: What’s wrong with you?
Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious.
Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you go to the doctor!
Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.)
Chandler: That’s a hernia.
Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but are there early.]
Rachel: Well, we’re a little early, the lecture doesn’t end for 15 minutes.
Monica: Yeah, but y’know we could sneak in and watch.
Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There’s some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. (to them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To Monica) Wow, we really are bitches.
(They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some unknown reason.)
Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when—(sees Monica and Rachel.) Oh bloody hell.
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.]
Monica: What the hell are you doing?!
Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out.
Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one.
Ross: Will you-will you please?
(Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.)
The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I’m a professor in the paleontology department here.
The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?
Ross: (in his British accent) I’m sorry, I’ve got plans with my sister.
Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr. (She rolls her ‘R’)
Ross: (in accent) Right, will you excuse us for one moment? (Takes Monica aside.) (In his normal voice.) What are you doing?
Monica: (normal voice) Oh, you can have an accent and I can’t?! (To an exiting student in accent.) Top ‘O the morning to ya laddies!
Ross: Just please stop!
(They turn back to Rachel and Professor Rathman.)
Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it’s getting darker and more painful, that means it’s healing.
Chandler: I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let’s just get that thing…pushed back in.
Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don’t want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too.
Phoebe: What’s going on?
Chandler: Oh Joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix!
Joey: Look, I’m telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here (He puts his hand down his pants, like Al Bundy on Married…With Children always used to do.) it doesn’t hurt that bad.
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you’ll die!
Joey: Sure, now I’m scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just don’t wait too long though, okay? ‘Cause I’m outta here sometime before Friday.
Joey: Yeah, but I don’t wanna die!
Phoebe: No-no, it’ll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are having a tug-of-war over the disputed candlesticks.]
Monica: Gimme ‘em!
Rachel: No! They are mine!
Monica: You stole them from me!
Rachel: You stole them from me!!
Monica: Gimme them!
(With one last mighty tug the combatants lose their grip and split, each holding one candlestick.)
Monica: You just wanna each take one?
Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them.
Ross: (entering) Look, I really need some help, okay? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent?! What do I do?
Monica: Why don’t you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people will think you’re, y’know, that you’re adjusting to life in America.
Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they’re probably not even listening!
Ross: They’re not listening too me?
Rachel: Of course they’re listening to you! Everybody listens to you.
Ross: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing?
Monica: I think you look fine.
[Scene: Casting Director #1’s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Casting Director #1: Whenever you’re ready.
Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. "Hey, Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you."
Casting Director #1: Hold it. I’m sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less…intense?
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll just—hold on one second. (He turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you!"
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
(Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to intense pain.)
[Scene: Casting Director #2’s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
Joey: So that’s why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today! (He turns, looks at the bag and realizes he won’t be able to pick it up.)
Casting Director #2: That’s where you pick up the bag.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. (She just looks at him.) I didn’t get it, did I?
Casting Director #2: No.
Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves)
[Scene: Casting Director #3’s office, Joey is entering.]
Joey: Hi. I’m Joey Tribbiani; I’m here to audition for (Groans) man.
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are playing phone pranks on Ross.]
Monica: Okay, come on, do it one more time!
Rachel: Really? Really?!
Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts dialing.) (In an Irish accent) "Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, we’d like you to come on board with us full time! (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I’m not going die!
Rachel: Really?! How do you know?
Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She must’ve read the cards wrong!
Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry.
Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let’s bake cookies!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part of dying man and is now able to play the role he was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him in.]
Chandler: Listen, I’m really glad you got the part.
Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank you.
Chandler: But are you sure you can do this?
Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower.
(Chandler steps away quickly.)
Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?!
Joey: (to the director) Hiya!
The Director: Hey Joey, we’re ready for ya! (Joey stumbles over) Joey, this is Alex he’s going to be playing your son.
Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)
The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of your Momma son," that’s your cue to cry. Got it? (Alex nods yes.) All right, let’s do this.
(Joey lies down on the gurney.)
A Crew Member: (with that board thingy) Scene 5, take 1.
The Director: And Action!
Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex just looks at him and the director motions for him to continue so he tries it again.) "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex does nothing.) "Come on son! Your Momma’s good people!"
The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you’re supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?
The Director: All right, from the top.
A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2.
A Crew Member: Take 36 is up!
The Director: All right! Let’s try this again! You ready Joe?
Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action?
The Director: Uh sure.
Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.)
The Director: Action!
Joey: (he stops screaming at action) "Take good care of your Momma son." (Again Alex does nothing.)
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)
(Chandler decides to help out.)
Chandler: I’m sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don’t you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel is unpacking as the phone rings.]
Rachel: (answering it) Hello?
Russell: (Ross’s divorce lawyer.) Hello, is Ross there?
Rachel: Uh no, he’s not. Can I take a message?
Russell: Yes, this Russell, Ross’s divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I haven’t heard from him, I assume he’s decided to give the marriage a try.
Rachel: Ross got married again—Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Ross is trying to phase out his accent.]
Ross: (in his head) All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without out re-testing the results in the laboratory (pronounced the British way) the team would never have identified (British) the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis (British). Were there any questions at this point? (One student raises his hand.) Yes. (Points to him.)
A Student: What’s happening to your accent?
Ross: (British) Come again? What’s-what’s this nonsense? (Giggles.) (American.) All right, I’m-I’m not English. I’m from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just uh, just came out. I’m sorry. So, if we could just get back to the lecture. Umm, were there any questions? (Everyone raises their hands) About paleontology. (They all put their hands down.) All right, look I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I’m-I’m hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression…
(At this moment Rachel bursts through the door. Needless to say, she’s not in the best of moods having just found out Ross’s dirty little secret.)
Rachel: Ross!! Are you crazy?! I am still your wife!! What, were you just never gonna tell me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!!!! Ugh, I could just kill you!!!!
Ross: (in the accent again) Well, hello Rachel!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a football helmet; and apparently, in a rather disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to beat him senseless. (Luckily it isn’t a long trip.) Because he’s made a miraculous recovery from his hernia and wants to take advantage of all those free surgeries he can get now since he’s re-established his health insurance.]
Phoebe: Have you really done this before?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, don’t hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: What are you doing?
Phoebe: We’re just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back.
Chandler: Oh, all right.
(Decided that they are less than human as well, Chandler picks up a golf club and Monica a frying pan, to join in on the fun of beating their good friend to within an inch of his life!)