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老友记第六季The One With The Apothecary Table

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嘿,这真不可思议。我把我编的笑话寄给《花花公子》,他们竟然登出来了! 真不知道《花花公子》还登笑话。 没错,他们登笑话,采访稿,有力的新闻,并不只是那些照片。 反正不会说服妈妈看,我们也不看。 瞧这,头一条就是我的。 很有趣,更有趣的是,这笑话是我编的。 什么? 这笑话是我编的 不,不,不对,这是我编的。 是我编的。我在上班的时候把它讲给DAN,他说这是他听过的最好的笑话。 嘿,替我谢谢DAN。 怎么了? 对不起,我在看下面那则笑话,啊,它真搞笑。 莫尼卡,你记得我给你讲过这个笑话,对吗? 不记得。 真的? 你的笑话讲的太多了! 听着钱德,这是我的笑话。但是,嘿,他们没有印我的名字,也许这让你好过一点。 所以究竟该归功于谁并不重要,对吧? 对,我想是。 嘿,诸位。 嘿乔依,《花花公子》登出了我的笑话。 不,这是我的笑话,是我的。你可以给他们打电话,他们会告诉你的。 是我的笑话。 是我的笑话。 哇呜!笑话? 你们肯定知道里面有裸体小妞,对吧? 伙计快换台到Behind the Music(节目名),HEART乐队现在的日子可不好过,我猜他们要解散了。咱们到你那看去吧。 不行,莫尼卡在看烹饪节目。快,我可不想错过第一手消息。 钱德,钱德,知道咱们应该干点什么?咱们应该出去逛逛,买些太阳镜。 什么?不!我要看电视。你的有线电视坏了? 没有,那是VH-1。我得说,不知道为什么,我觉得今天这些家伙的音乐太吵了。 乔依,为什么你的有线电视没了? 我..因为,其实是因为我没有交费。 如果你需要钱,可不可以请你允许我借给你? 不钱德。听着你别放在心上,好吗?自从Janine搬走以后,我手头确实有点紧。不过,她真的很辣。哇呜。 我知道!但是我能解决,好吗?瞧,我可以听收音机,而且罗斯给了我这本好看的杂志。 好吧,想不想到笑话剽窃者那去,看看能不能在他那看电视? 好。 电话费交了吗? 没有。 嗨. 还好,是你自己。 你们在干-干什么? 我们在看《花花公子》 噢,我也要看!耶! 你们是否认为这些照片..试图在讲个什么故事? 对,当然。我是说,比如这幅,这个年轻女士,弄丢了她的衣服,所以她光着身子,骑着马,大声叫, "衣服在哪,它们在哪?" 当然她在草丛里仍然找不到,就象那样。 哦,这副是:还记得那些日子,你经常走出马厩,撩起你的衣衫,然后俯下身去? 对。 你知道,我想和这个女孩约会。她很可爱很野性,她知道怎样点燃激情。我的意思是,她垂手可得。 好吧,我有一个问题。如果你得选择我们中一个做约会对象,你们会选谁? 我不知道。 我也不知道。 瑞秋 什么!? 我不知道,我也不知道。 HEART 乐队不知道有多少动人的歌。 没错。 你知道,Barracuda是我学会弹的第一首歌。 所以,你听到它,你弹了它,说明这首歌一定是你写的。 嘿,伙计们,又是那个笑话。我得说,尽管我当时捧腹大笑,可我其实没看懂。 什么,你没看懂?那个大夫是只猴子。 要知道猴子是不能开处方的。 不许你笑我的笑话。 你的笑话?要知道杂志社可不这么认为,否则就不会给我100美元的稿费。 所以,你偷了我的笑话还偷了我稿费。 我本来要从自动柜员机那把它存进去,但是现在我要亲自送到那个迷人的柜员小姐那,告诉她我是个作家。 好吧,她将会知道你的笑话是偷来的。 噢,你要干什么,跟着我去吗? 对! 那么我现在哪也不去。 好吧。 结帐吧。 我说甘德,我没法付帐因为我现在没工作,因而我必须尽量避免奢侈行为,比如结帐。 好吧,如果你愿意,你可以在这工作。 这个不好说。你知道我是一个正规的肥皂剧演员。这样的角色转变..我是说,并且那样的话,我还要服侍我的朋友们。 但是金钱无罪,并且你可以随便盯着瑞秋看,想看多久就看多久。 什么?! 我是说弹性工时。 也许我可以考虑当个服务员。我可以用用电话吗? 她选择了瑞秋。尽管她试图掩盖,但这是明显的。她竟选择了瑞秋 他偷了我的笑话,就这么偷走了。 这样做是不对,你知道还有什么不对吗?菲比选择了瑞秋。 你知道还有谁选择了瑞秋?罗斯!你知道罗斯还做了什么?他偷了我的笑话。我要办一个笑话杂志。 收录我每时每刻编的每一个笑话。 是个好主意。 对! 你知道坏主意是什么? 选择了瑞秋。 说的对。你听到有动静吗? 也许这声音来自罗斯,他正往我的脑袋里钻,企图窃取我的思想。 是客厅的声音。 我把杂志看完了。 嘿,诸位。 嗨。 噢,你们看起来真可爱,你们真是可爱的一对。 莫尼卡,你想说什么? 没什么。我只是想重现那天在我那我们有趣的谈话。记得吗,但是你选择了瑞秋没选我,真有趣。我也觉得比较有趣。 一点也不有趣!你到底为什么要那样?为什么不选我? 好吧。我之所以更倾向瑞秋一点,是因为你有些挑剔。还是吃午饭去吧! 这肯定不是事实。你说我挑剔?那你得有证据,我要你列个清单,然后我会逐条反驳你。 不,好吧,你是对的,你很随和,你只是不象瑞秋那样随和。瑞秋更温顺,更易相处,就这些。 没错,人与人是有区别的。 你知道瑞秋,你让她做什么,她就做什么。你可以随便操纵她。 什么?等一下。你是说我是个软弱的人?我不是! 哦,好,对,你不是。 噢,天呀!你竟然认为我是个软弱的人。好吧,听着,我们不带你去吃午饭。你觉得怎么样? 我觉得够劲,我就是这么想的。快点,莫尼卡, 我们去吃午饭。 你应该这就列那个单子。 她真不可思议。 没错。你想去哪吃? 哦,哦,我爱死了那个日本餐厅。 我讨厌日本菜。我们不去那。 好吧,你说去哪都可以。 好。 嘿,甘德,瞧这个。 钱德真会搞笑。 嘿罗斯,想喝点什么?因为我顺路过去。 好吧,我要咖啡,谢谢。 没问题,要咖啡吗?我正要顺路过去。 不 不,谢谢。 你们要点什么吗,因为我要顺路过去。 我要冰水。 明白! 乔依,你在干吗? 我只是乐于助人。 乔依,亲爱的,你不能到柜台后面去。 这没什么,对吧,甘德? 别对我使眼色。戴上你的围裙。 好吧,可是你怎么不让其他顾客戴围裙呢? 乔依, 你在这工作? 谁说的。 嘿,服务生。 在! 乔依,到底怎么回事。你在这工作为什么不告诉我们? 你知道,这有点难为情。我是说,我曾是个演员,现在却成了服务员。 这有点背道而驰。 就象你的围裙,它现在成了个披风。 这工作简单又能赚到钱。我想我会在这干一段时间,而且会得到收入,不是吗? 我只是觉得招待你们几个有点别扭。 听着,乔依,我做过这行,我觉得很好。 对,这有什么别扭的?嘿乔依,我能要点咖啡吗? OK,是没什么可别扭的。 说真的,我早就点过咖啡,可你一直没给我。 瞧,我又觉得别扭了。 我觉得你在这工作真是棒极了。你能赚很多钱,你将得到第一份小费: 那就是别喝黄雪(醉鬼在雪地小便的结果)哈 哈,2:15,咖啡厅。 你知道吗,这太好了。我终于有机会传授我的智慧了。 让我教你几招我在这工作时学到的经验。首先,顾客永远是正确的。 微笑通常都很奏效。如果有人对你无礼,就冲着他的松饼打喷嚏。 谢谢,瑞秋. 听着,你们真是太好了。现在你们是否可以请你们离开这,以便我招待一些新顾客。 这全都是为了出于对营业额的考虑。 乔依,说真的,我要的咖啡呢? 哦,罗斯我太抱歉了。我这就给你上。既然让你恭候多时,我给你在咖啡里免费泡上一块松饼。 菲比,我们要跟你谈谈。 好啊。 也许我是有点太挑剔,也许瑞秋也有点太软弱,但是你知道我们是怎么看你的? 我们很抱歉对你说这个,但是,你,菲比,是个怪物。 哈! 说的对,我是个怪物。 怎么,你可以接受你是个怪物? 对,没问题。 好吧,那么我也可以接受我是个挑剔的人。 对,当个软弱的人也没什么。 太棒了,真为你们高兴。 我根本就不挑剔! 我根本就不软弱! 谁这么说你们来着? 你! 哦,我是个怪物。什么话我都说。 嘿,甘德。你能--你能替我一会吗?我要做个试镜。 不行,我正要去染头发。 真的吗?我还是喜欢你的本色。拜托,老兄,那是个不错的角色。听我说,我是男一号的铁哥们,我给他预留了位子,在这等他。瞧这个。 "对不起,那个位子已经预订了。" 这就是你的角色? 好吧,他也不是是他的什么铁哥们,但是, 得了,一个小时后见。 噢,我肯定可以拿到那个角色。"对不起,那个位子已经预订了。" 对不起。 不,我没说你。不过,你当真了? 我真的认为你给什么人订了座位。 所以你雇用我了,对吗? 干吗? 这就对了!好吧,各位听着。我们的咖啡厅要停业一小时。 嗯?什么? 这都是为了孩子。让孩子们远离毒品。这是这个月《花花公子》的主题。你们肯定都看过了。 这笑话是我的。 是我的。 是我的。 我认为我们这样是解决不了问题的。 我们找莫尼卡来裁定。 好极了! 好极了! 嘿,莫尼卡. 莫尼卡到这来! 莫尼卡! 你得帮我们裁定这笑话到底是谁的。 为什么让我? 因为你是唯一可以做到公正的人。 没错。 我没法公正。你是我的男友。 可我是你的哥哥。我们是一家人。家人是天底下最重要的。 别这样拉选票。只有我才能帮你生宝宝。我们开始吧. 我们将分别向你陈述我们编笑话的过程,由你来判断究竟谁说的是实话。是我。 好的,钱德,你先说。 我在两个月前和Steve吃午饭的时候想到的这个笑话。 等一下,就是我在圣诞节见到的那个家伙? 能让我先说完吗?! 你还想让我挑你吗? 瞧,我是绝对不会象他那样对你吼的。 继续。 Steve说他得去看他的医生。他的名字是Muppy医生。然后我说M(猴子)医生? 这就是猴子医生的由来。 开什么玩笑。听我说,我是研究进化学的,知道进化学是什么?猴子变成人。另外我也是个doctor(博士,与医生同词),并且我养过一只猴子。 我正是Doctor M(猴子博士) 这个我不跟你争。 行了,我听够了。我已经做出了判断。 你们两个都是白痴。这笑话一点也不好笑,而且它冒犯了女士、医生(博士)和猴子。 别再争功了,看看是谁编造了这个愚蠢笑话,他应该受到谴责!别再提这事了,这笑话糟透了! 这是你的笑话。/不是。 嗨,钱德.你在这。 嗨。 菲比和瑞秋在这。干吗不对她们说说你之前对我说的那些话,就是关于说我根本不挑剔的。 莫尼卡是位自立的、合群的女士, 和她在一起感觉象在渡假。之所以我们会觉得她挑剔仅仅是因为她注重小节,并且--宽宏大量。 哇,知道吗?这是我听过最好的冒牌演讲。 是吗?我可听过更好的。 等一下,这都是他自己主动要说的。告诉他们钱德. 我忘词了,要不我从头说一遍? 听着,我根本就不挑剔。钱德! 你是有那么点挑剔。 啊哈!你上了我的黑名单。 很抱歉,你并不随和,但你充满热情,那样很好。当你因为小事生气的时候, 我会恰如其分地帮你排解。那样也很好。所以,别人可以说你很挑剔,但那没什么,因为我喜欢 让你挑剔。 我可没让他说这些。好吧我把你从黑名单上撤下来。 我不在那名单上了。 菲比,不让我做你女朋友没关系,因为我有最好的男朋友。 知道吗?我突然觉得你很迷人。 嘿,伙计,你的试镜怎么样? 不怎么样。我没拿到那个角色,还丢了在这的工作。 哇!你现在演的是很烂。 你怎么会丢了这的工作? 我要去试镜,可甘德说我得留在这照顾生意,因为他要去染头发。我最终还是跑了,然后他就炒了我。 他大白天跑出去忙私事,然后把你一个刚工作两天的员工留在这里照顾生意?这不对,他做的不对。 就是,你能怎么办? 乔依,你不能让他逃避责任。知道吗,我不能这么便宜了他。我要去说说他?我不该去说什么? 不对,我得去说点什么。 甘德,我要你给乔依官复原职,你辞掉他是不公平的。 好吧。 什么? 他可以官复原职。 很好,他可以恢复工作了。我很高兴我们把事情都说明白了。 去吧,乔依,你的工作恢复了。 太好了。谢谢你瑞秋. 对,很好,哈?看看谁说我软弱来着? 瑞秋,你占着我的座位。 哦,对不起。 嘿,我还没问你们会选谁当女朋友。 我选你,菲比. 噢没错,肯定是你,菲比。 我也这么认为. 嘿。 嘿,我有一个问题。如-如-如果你们得从另外两个人中挑一个做约会对象,你们会挑谁? 不可能。/ 我无可奉告。 乔依! 不可能。我无可奉告。

The One With The Joke

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are there. Ross walks in with a magazine in his hand.]

Ross: Hey, you’re not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it!

Phoebe: I didn’t know Playboy prints jokes.

Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It’s not just about the pictures.

Monica: That didn’t work on mom, it’s not going to work on us.

Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. It’s the first one, too.

(They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler, who’s a little angry.)

Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.

Ross: What?

Chandler: I made that joke up.

Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn’t. I did.

Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard.

Ross: Hey, tell Dan, ‘Thanks.’

(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)

Ross: What?

Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.)

Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Seriously?

Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes!

Ross: Look, Chandler, it’s my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don’t print the name, so it doesn’t really matter who gets credit, right?

Chandler: Yeah, I guess.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys.

Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke.

Ross: No, it’s my joke, it’s mine. You can call them, they’ll tell you.

Chandler: It’s my joke.

Ross: It’s my joke.

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.

Joey: Let’s go watch it at your place.

Chandler: Nah, Monica’s watching some cooking show. Come on, I don’t want to miss when they were skinny.

Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y’know what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses.

Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?

Joey: No, that’s VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It’s like a lotta noise to me. I don’t know…

Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out?

Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven’t really paid the bill

Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?

Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot.

Chandler: Whoa ho.

Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine).

Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?

Joey: Sure.

Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill?

Joey: Not so much.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey.

Monica: (relieved) It’s only you.

Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing?

Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy.

Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over and sits down and checks out a picture). Yikes!

Monica: So do you think that these pictures—Are, are they trying to tell a story?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she’s crying out, ‘Where are they, where are they?’

Monica: Well, she’s not going to find them lying in the grass like that.

(They flip through the pages to another picture.)

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over?

Rachel and Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She’s cute, she’s outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that’s got to come in handy

Monica: Okay, I’ve got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?

Rachel: (thinks) I don’t know.

Monica: Me neither.

Phoebe: Rachel.

Monica: What?!

Phoebe: I don’t know. (Pause) Me neither.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.]

Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had.

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.

Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it.

Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I’m not even sure I got it.

Ross: What, you didn’t get it? The doctor is a m.

(He and Chandler crack up.)

Chandler: And ms can’t write out prescriptions.

(He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there)

Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.

Ross: Your joke? Well, I think ‘the Hef’ would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.

Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money.

Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I’ll show the sexy teller that I am a published writer.

Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.

Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there?

Chandler: Yeah!

Ross: Well, I’m not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down).

Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down).

(Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.)

Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go.

Joey: Ah, Gunther, I can’t pay for this right now because I’m not working, so I’ve had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin’ for stuff.

Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here.

Joey: Uh, I don’t know. Ya see, it’s just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y’know? And to go from that to this, I just… Plus, I’d have to wait on all my friends.

Gunther: Okay, but the money’s good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.

Joey: What?!

Gunther: Flexible hours.

Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are in bed together.]

Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.

Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it.

Monica: It’s wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.

Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I’m going to get a joke journal. Y’know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.

Monica: That’s a good idea.

Chandler: Yeah!

Monica: Do you know what’s a bad idea?

Chandler: Picking Rachel.

Monica: That’s right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something?

Chandler: Maybe it’s the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.

Monica: It’s coming from the living room.

(They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their television.)

Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.)

[Scene, Phoebe and Rachel’s, they’re sitting together on the couch.]

Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys.

Phoebe and Rachel: Hey.

Monica: (laughing) Oh, don’t you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple.

Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?

Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, I’m just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny.

Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny.

Monica: (angrily) It wasn’t funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn’t you pick me?

Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you’re … just … kinda high maintenance—Okay let’s go to lunch!

Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I’m high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we’re going to go through it point by point!

Phoebe: No, okay, you’re right. You’re easy-going. You’re just not as easy-going as Rachel. She’s just more flexible and-and mellow. That’s all.

Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different.

Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel … she’ll do whatever you want. Y’know, you can just walk all over her.

Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I’m a pushover? I’m not a pushover.

Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) you’re not a pushover.

Rachel: Oh my … you think I’m a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You’re not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that’s pretty strong, that’s what I think. Come on, Monica, let’s go to lunch. (She leaves)

Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.)

[Cut to the hallway.]

Rachel: I cannot believe her.

Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat?

Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place.

Monica: I’m sick of Japanese. We’re not going there.

Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool.

Monica: All right.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.]

Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.

(Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.)

Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up.

(Ross begins to say something, realizes what Gunther just said, turns, and glares at Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.)

Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, ‘cause I’m heading up there.

Ross: Uh, yeah, I’ll take a coffee. Thanks, man.

Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee? ‘Cause I’m going up there.

Rachel: No.

Monica: No, thank you.

Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything, ‘cause I’m heading up there.

Woman: I’d love an ice water.

Joey: You got it.

Monica: Joey, what are you doing?

Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a ‘what’s wrong with you?’ look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.)

Rachel: Joey, honey, I don’t think you’re supposed to go back there.

Joey: Nah, it’s okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if they’re in on a secret together.)

Gunther: Don’t wink at me. And put on your apron.

Joey: Okay, but I don’t see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons.

Monica: Joey, do you work here?

Joey: No.

Customer: Hey, waiter.

Joey: Yeah?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Monica: Joey, what’s going on. What didn’t you tell us you work here?

Joey: It’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. I mean, I was an actor and now I’m a waiter. It’s supposed to go in the other direction.

Chandler: So is your apron. You’re wearing it like a cape.

Joey: I mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? I guess I’m going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.

Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.

Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee?

Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn’t seem that weird.

Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven’t gotten it.

Joey: See, now it’s weird again.

Chandler: I think it’s great that you work here. You’re going to make a lot of money, and here’s your first tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.

Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.

Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y’know? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It’s all about turnover.

Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry, Ross. I’ll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I’ll toss in a free muffin.

(He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.)

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]

Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?

Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.

Monica: Hah!

Phoebe: That true, I am flaky.

Rachel: So, what, you’re just, you’re just okay with being flaky?

Phoebe: Yeah, totally.

Monica: Well, then, I’m okay with being high maintenance.

Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover.

Phoebe: That’s great. Good for you guys.

Monica: I am not high maintenance!

Rachel: I am not a pushover!

Phoebe: Who said you were?

Monica and Rachel: You did!

Phoebe: Oh, I’m flaky. I’ll say anything.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]

Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition.

Gunther: No, I’m leaving to get my hair dyed.

Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it’s a great part. Look, check it out. I’m the lead guy’s best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. ‘I’m sorry, that seat’s saved.’

Gunther: That’s the whole part?

Joey: Okay, maybe he’s not his best friend, but …

Gunther: Okay, I’ll see you in an hour.

Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. ‘I’m sorry, that seat is taken.’

Patron: Oh, excuse me.

Joey: No, no, I didn’t mean you. But, you believed me, huh?

Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone.

Joey: So, you’d hire me, right?

Patron: For what?

Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.

Customers: Huh? What?

Joey: Yeah, it’s for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It’s a very important issue in this month’s Playboy. I’m sure you all read about it.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.]

Ross: It’s my joke.

Chandler: It’s my joke.

Ross and Chandler: It’s my joke.

Ross: Y’know, I don’t think we’re going to settle this.

Chandler: Let’s have Monica decide.

Ross: Yeah!

Chandler: Yeah!

Ross: Hey Mon.

Chandler: Mon, get out here!

Ross: Monica! (She appears, not sure why she was summoned.)

Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.

Monica: Why do I have to decide?

Chandler: Because you’re the only one that can be fair.

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: I can’t be fair. You’re my boyfriend.

Ross: Yeah, but I’m your brother. We’re family. That’s the most important thing in the world.

Chandler: (to Ross) Don’t try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I’m your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let’s go.

Ross: We’ll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth—me.

Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first.

Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.

Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?

Chandler: Can I finish my story?!

Monica: Do you want me to pick you?!

Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that.

(Chandler motions to Monica that he’ll give her two babies.)

Monica: Continue.

Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve’s doctor’s name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, ‘Doctor M?’ And that is how the whole Doctor M thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)

Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? M into man? Plus, I’m a doctor, and I had a m. I’m Doctor M!

Chandler: I’m not arguing with that.

Monica: All right, I’ve heard enough. I’ve made my decision.

(Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.)

Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it’s offensive to women, and doctors, and ms! You shouldn’t be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!

(Monica leaves the room)

Ross: It’s your joke.

Chandler: Is not.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, she’s lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]

Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are.

Chandler: Hi, oh hi.

Monica: Hey, it’s Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don’t you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?

(Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.)

Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and—(He falters and Monica prompts him.)—generosity of spirit.

Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I’ve ever heard.

Phoebe: Really? I’ve heard better.

Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.

Chandler: (To Chandler) I’m out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?

Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler!

Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You’re a little high maintenance.

Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list.

Chandler: I’m sorry. You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like … maintaining you.

Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didn’t even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right you’re off my list.

Chandler: (happily) I’m off the list. (Sits on the couch.)

Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, it’s okay that you don’t want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend.

Phoebe: (to Monica) Y’know, suddenly I find you very attractive.

(Joey enters.)

Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, how’d the audition go?

Joey: Not good, no. I didn’t get the part, and I lost my job here, so …

Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition.

Rachel: How-how did you lose your job here?

Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.

Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you’ve been working here two days? That’s not, that’s not right.

Joey: Yeah, what are ya gonna do?

Rachel: Joey, you can’t let him get away with that. Ya know what, I’m not going to let him get away with that. I’m going to say something to him—No, I really shouldn’t say anything—No, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him…

Gunther: Okay.

Rachel: What?

Gunther: He can have his job back.

Rachel: That’s right, he can have his job back. I’m glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back.

Joey: That’s great. Thanks Rach.

Rachel: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who’s a pushover?

Phoebe: (returning from the bathroom) Rach, you’re in my seat.

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. (Gets up and moves.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.]

Phoebe: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend.

Monica: I pick you, Phoebe.

Rachel: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, I kinda thought.

(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.)

(Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.)

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?

Ross: No way.

Joey: I’m not answering that.

Chandler: Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I’m not answering that.

End

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