好的 Rach, 松饼和苦咖啡, 收你$4.50. Ross, 双份“拿铁”, $2.75. Chandler, 咖啡和烤饼, $4.25. 嗯， Pheebs, 药茶, $1.25. 那么，一共是$12.75.哦，算得真准他以前都不知道80块电话帐单的一半是多少呢你好！好！我要了松饼和拿铁，该付你多少？哦，这是Joey Tribbiani请你们的，一点小意思太好了，代我向他致谢。看起来joey真是个不错的男人，也许我能约他出去什么的？这样啊……他不太习惯主动的女生但我还是帮你问问他吧。天那，他说没问题！ 好极了!谢谢，再见！喂，joey，为什么你不请我们？如果你也跟她一样性感，我当然会请你。太好了，从来没有这么多的女生要约我出去等等，你只给年轻漂亮的女生免费饮食吗？是啊，joey你也太无耻了吧喔，亲爱的，我请你吃烤饼怎么样？我长得也不赖嘛嗯，谁有口香糖吗？oh，我有！Oh, 你看着吧…… 不是这个. 等等阿，我知道我放在包里的天哪，算了算了，我不要了Hey!Hey!Hey, 你怎么回来了？不是应该在上班吗？Ugh, 同事们让我回来的. 他们说我重感冒了，不能干活.Ohh!感冒很难受吧.我没感冒！没有！只有弱不禁风的小女生才会得感冒! 亲爱的，没人说你是小女生了不过我们一致认为你需要一点纸巾 哼，我三年没有感冒过了！ 我帮你抽点纸巾过来吧我才不要纸巾，我很好……好 当你说”很好……好“的时候，你其实一点也不好……好我很好……好，很好……好。你知道嘛，“好”字很难发音的你是?Hi, rachel在吗？我是她妹妹Oh ,上帝啊， Jill!Oh ,上帝啊， Rachel!Oh ,上帝啊，快帮我们介绍一下！这是Chandler. 你好!你应该认识的：Monica 和 Ross!你好 Jill.这是 Phoebe, 还有那是Joey.（经典的）小妞，你好吗？你滚一边去!亲爱的，你怎么跑到这里来了？这是她哪一个妹妹？是那个倍受溺爱？还是那个比较苦的？爸爸不要我了不用想了.我知道是哪个了你知道我跟他说什么吗？“我要请律师，然后把你告上法庭，再没收你的一切财产，最后把你扫地出门！Wow!他怎么回答的？他不给我钱请律师！他说让我过来你这里，看看他最引以为荣的女儿，要我以你为榜样Oh!大伙听见了吗？我老爸以”我“为荣！Rach，她……Oh ，不好意思.亲爱的你闯了什么祸?居然让爸把你给赶出来了Okay，我买了艘船你买了条船？是的，不过不是我要买的，我一个朋友想要天，男生们我们跟这个可怜的小妹交个朋友吧 Jill, 亲爱的,我觉得这对你来说其实是一件好事.我的意思是：你迟早是要独立生活的阿你知道我是怎么熬过来的吗？我、我开始也很害怕，但是，你看我现在有多好！ 我可是老爸唯一引以为荣的女儿啊！好了好了，我告诉你，应该接下来你应该做些什么 你先得找份工作，然后自己找个住处。住处我可以帮你，你先跟我们住吧。没关系吧，Pheebs,她搬过来不要紧吧？没问题，当然没问题oh，太好了！我就按你说的去做！我都不知道应该怎么感谢你们了Ooh, 我喜欢车你吃饱了吗？是的很好好的，这是早上的小费。Jen，给你50，我自己拿50。joey，你还欠我8块你说什么？！你知道你派送了多少免费食物吗？好的，如果是免费食物，你怎么能找我要钱？我们从来不送东西，除了顾客过生日的时候这样啊？如果他们获得了模特比赛的季军也不行吗？不行！不好意思 我从来没有这么累过，这些袋子可真重！ Jill，你哪来的钱买这么多东西？我还以为你爸收走了你的信用卡呢Oh，得了吧，我15岁就能熟背那些号码了。你们看看我买的全部这些”我独立了“的东西，很cool吧？这件是”请雇我“毛衣还有这个，”你不想把这公寓租给我吗“的裤子我不认为花老爸的钱买新衣可以让你变得独立oh，科学家同志就是这么罗嗦！说真的，我觉得rachel知道了肯定要不高兴的开玩笑，几时变成rachel说了算？我一直都想说了算！Hey! 你们在干吗呢？Hey!Jill! 你去购物了？没有！他们去购物了是的，我们大采购归来！你们去购物了？那你们还大包小包提回来，放在jill面前炫耀你们不是知道她打算过节俭的生活吗？Wow, 你们两个家伙太坏了对不起阿，Jill.对不起 Jill.你们都买了些什么啊？oh，是啊是啊，我还得谢谢你得益于你的灵感，我买了件”我需要工作“毛衣Oh.不错嘛不止这些，还有这个——公寓裤公寓裤?是啊，没听说过吧？没有听说过？我怎么可能没听说过？Ross，你买了什么？Huh? 我买了这个，这个……披肩？是啊！oh，我可喜欢这个拉！你喜欢这个？Ross，我问你什么是披肩？不，这是地毯。Jill，到底怎么回事?对不起，Rachel，我错了ˇ少来！你觉得这招对我来说会有用吗？这招是我发明的！想起来了，但是，我的确意识到自己错了没关系，一点点小错误是可以原谅的。不过下不为例，知道吗？本来说呢，这些都是花老爸的钱买的，照理说我应该把它们全都收走。不过，我就收走这条……这条披肩算了还有裤子也得收走。你看看，我还是全都收走吧，只有这样才能给你一个好好的教训！怎么样？就这样决定了我现在出去办点事，吃饭时再找你 天哪，全都被她拿走了是啊，全都拿走了，不过，我藏了一个小蓝袋这是我喜欢的东西，天哪，太感谢你了！Wow,我……你不知道你刚才有多傻？居然把披肩说成垫毯得了吧，你呢？你觉得你的”我错了“很好？去死吧，我才没有你说得那么恶心呢！你们知道吗？当我自己说”公寓裤“的时候，我都觉得自己傻透了！你高中时候就有这么可爱吗？Oh ，别肉麻了你才肉麻呢，少来不，你少来你少来得了得了，我往中间一坐，你们两个就相安无事了好了好了，你想干吗？我们玩点刺激的吧……我也有同感，让我们多休息休息，再喝点感冒药吧. 好，我去休息。不过如果我去床上躺着，你也得跟我一起到床上去我肯定不会拒绝你的——如果你不是现在这样鼻涕横流的话你是说你不想跟我一起玩玩吗？没错，我同时觉得，就算你没感冒，最好也不要像刚才那样说话来吧来吧，别装蒜了别往心里去好吗？我，我只是不能在你感冒的时候跟你上床我同意你说的，我也不会在你感冒的时候跟你上床，那太恶心了！不过我很健康啊，我证明给你看看 我们两个健壮的人%*&*(&*%#天哪，还说你没病？都开始胡言乱语了Hey!Hey.怎么了？Umm, 我觉得有件事情我得告诉你喔，别告诉我是”公寓裤“的事情。我刚刚向老板汇报了这个创意，他喜欢极了不是不是，是这样的……，你走了以后，我、ross还有jill又聊了一会。我很肯定他们两个来电了！你说什么？！是这样的.现在可能还没什么，不过我警告你，他们很有发展的趋势哦你说ross和jill？没错！ross和我妹妹？是啊我妹妹和我前男友ross？没错绝不可能！那就没事了上帝啊！我不敢相信这是真的！我不介意ross和别人交往，不过她是我妹妹啊！你不觉得这像是乱伦什么的吗？天哪！他们会做爱的！oh！如果ross也跟她结婚怎么办？太可怕了，这太可怕了。而我无法阻止这一切，ross不是我的，你知道吗？还有jill，我也管不住她，她可以为所欲为！天啊，我不敢相信ross要娶我妹妹，太可怕了 这是我平生碰到过最可怕的事了！不过，不过”公寓裤“还是不错吧，huh？一共是$3.85.你是什么意思？昨天你说我漂亮到不用付帐啊！是的，不过昨天经理说我……"祝你生日快乐，祝你生日快乐 亲爱的 AnnieˇAmy!/ "ˇAmy! 祝你生日快乐!"Hey, 真奇妙，今天也是我的生日耶！是吗？不过在这里你就不生日了不好意思，我迟到了，有事吗？哦，你知道吗？我在帮你找招聘的信息oh，不用了！我刚才路过三个打折店，而我一个也没有进去，怎么样？很牛吧是很牛。对了，你知道谁不用为工作发愁吗？Ross. 他在大学里工作然后呢？原来你知道了，你和ross谈起过这些吧，你们聊得很开心是不是？你觉得你们可以开始约会了吗？我和ross约会？不！天哪!怎么可能？你怎么会想到这个？我就是说嘛，都是phoebe，她说你和ross之间来电哪有？我是说他人很好而已就是他是那种适合做朋友的男生，你知道吗？而不是那种我会约会的男生。你倒是会喜欢他，对我来说，不太可能对你来说不可能？你什么意思？ross有什么不好的地方吗？不不不，不是这个意思，我不知道怎么说：他有点书呆子气你说他是一个无聊的家伙？你也有同感？不？才不，ross怎么会无聊？哦，好吧，反正他就不符合我的标准什么，英俊不是你的标准？聪明、善良、接吻高手？这些都不是你的标准？ Ross是个出色的男人，你能跟他在一起是你的运气！好吧好吧，如果你那么希望我们在一起的话，我就去约他好了oh，不不不，我不是这个意思不，rachel你知道吗？你说得对，ross对我真的很好是的，不过他不是你喜欢的类型啊没错，不过也许这是好事。你知道我在尝试独立，重新做人！也许我要颠覆以前的一切，也许我就得跟一个无聊的人约会！是啊，说得是没错，不过，不过你不想改变得这么快吧？你记不记得有个小女孩，也是尝试翻天覆地变化的人，她最后怎么了？怎么了？她、她死了，jillChandler!Oh 怎么了，亲爱的？你要喝茶？还是要喝汤？Oh-ohhhh!天啊，你在搞什么？”大“先生快上床阿，嗯，呀，我以为，我以为你已经睡着了呢有你在隔壁房间，我怎么可能睡得着？我可是睡着了。哦，别这样，别这样亲爱的。你知道什么样才性感？穿着大衣才性感. 还有盖着毯子才性感. And oh! 还有，拿个热水袋也性感少来了，上床吧！我要证明我没病！我要让你像我一样爽求你了，躺下睡觉吧我没事祝你生日快乐归你埋单什么？不不，今天是她生日就今天一天，你给店里的20个女顾客过了生日了但就是这样啊你无权再派发生日松饼了！该死的! Rach? 你好！Hi!你让你的妹妹约我出去？嗯，是啊ˇOh wow! 我是说, wow! 我是说,我是觉得她很可爱但是我从没想过要跟她交往什么的，从没！是吗？不过既然你没有意见，我又觉得”为什么不跟她交往呢？“oh，我是问你是不是的确从未想过（跟她交往）我觉得你的胸怀比我宽广太多了，我是说我们以前交往那么久……我、我。你知道吗？我真希望我有个兄弟可以送给你做为报答对了，如果你什么时候想跟monica交往，我会祝福你们幸福的Oh-ho, 我也祝福Chandler, 我想我是真的感冒了是吗？你刚才说什么来着？%^*(%^$@好了好了，我承认还不行吗？我难受死了！你能否帮我涂点这个到我胸脯上？哦，不行不行，你不能用这法子钓我上钩来吧，我需要你帮我涂啊不行，绝对不行好！我自己涂得了好.这就是你的，你的”自涂“怎么了?看起来感觉不错.你在开玩笑吗？我是说，这样子涂让你兴奋起来了？是！真难以置信！是我涂抹的方式还是这药膏的气味让你兴奋？他们都、都很性感这么说，你想我帮忙涂匀点吗？现在不行，我感冒了！得了吧，你装得可真像怎么了？你不是说你从来不跟感冒的人上床吗？没错，在你春光四射的表演前，我是那样想的好吧，如果你真的那么想做爱的话太好了哦，像咒语一样灵验Hi!Hi! 你在这里干吗?我和ross约了在这里见面。对了，你觉得我看起来怎么样？ Well, 我不喜欢看真的不喜欢？看起来有点太风骚了这可是你的衣服！没错，我、我是比较风骚其实我也是.Hi Jill!Hey!Hi.Rachel.Rachel! 你是不在家，可是你在这咖啡馆里我知道，我打赌你以为我会觉得比较尴尬是吧，不过一点都不尴尬哦，那好，我12点之前送她回家.你们怎么还没回家？有人在说话？哦，是的，是我呢你在干吗?我，我只是想站在窗子这里看看风景你们又在干吗？我们在把药膏均匀的涂抹到某些部位oh，他把她带回家了.谁? 那不是你妹妹吗？Ugh, 是她，那个荡妇！天那，ross在跟你的妹妹交往！这也太搞笑了吧？哦，上帝，他在脱她的衣服！他在帮她脱下大衣oh， 这样太可怕了没事没事，第一次约会嘛，肯定不会发生什……ˇOh. Hooh，他肯定会得到点什么收获！我是说从射到他房间的路灯光里你明白吧，于是他拉上窗帘，这样就能好好的跟你妹妹”促膝谈心“well，我得去睡了 To Be Continued待续
The One With Rachel’s Sister
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.]
Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together that’s (pauses to figure the total) $12.75.
Chandler: This coming from the man who couldn’t split our 80 dollar phone bill in half.
(A good-looking woman approaches.)
Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte?
Joey: Oh that’s on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.
Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?
Joey: Well, he’s not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with him—He says it’s okay. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye!
Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isn’t free?
Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I’m getting more dates than ever!
Rachel: Wait a minute, you’re only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls?
Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross!
Joey: How about a scone on the house baby?
Phoebe: (giggles) I’m pretty.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.]
Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum?
Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, y’know what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know it’s in here somewhere.
Ross: Y’know what? I’m good! I’m good!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work?
Monica: (congested) Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can’t work if I’m sick.
Chandler: I’m so sorry you’re sick.
Monica: I’m not sick!! I don’t get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies!
Rachel: Honey, no one thinks you’re a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue. (She notices something hanging from Monica’s nose, as does Joey.)
Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.)
Chandler: I’m gonna grab you some tissue.
Monica: I don’t need a tissue! I’m fine-d!
Ross: When you put a ‘D’ at the end of ‘Fine’ you’re not fine.
Monica: I’m fine-d. I’m fine-d! Y’know, it’s a really hard word to say.
(There’s a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.)
(A woman enters.)
Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister.
Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!
Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!
(They run and hug each other.)
Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!
Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.)
Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!
Ross: Hi Jill.
Rachel: And that’s Phoebe (points), and that’s Joey.
Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin’?
Rachel: Don’t!! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what are you doing here?!
Phoebe: (To Ross) Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or that’s bitter?
Jill: (To Rachel) Daddy cut me off.
Phoebe: Never mind, I got it.
Jill: And y’know what I said to him? "I’m gonna hire a lawyer and I’m gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I’m gonna cut you off!"
Rachel: Wow! What did he say?
Jill: That he wouldn’t pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he’s actually proud off.
Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dad’s proud of me! My dad’s proud of me.
Monica: Rach? (Points to Jill.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off?
Jill: Okay, I bought a boat.
Monica: You bought a boat?
Jill: Yeah but it wasn’t for me, it was for a friend.
Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.)
Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! I’m the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna get a job, you’re gonna get an apartment, and then I’ll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?
Phoebe: Of course, yeah!
Jill: Oh, that’s so great! Okay, I’m really gonna do this! I don’t know how to thank you guys.
Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: (to a customer) Are you all finished here?
Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.)
Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars.
Gunther: For all the free food you gave away.
Joey: Well if it’s free food, how come you’re charging me for it?
Gunther: We don’t give anything away unless it’s someone’s birthday.
Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest?
Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.)
Jill: (entering, carrying a bunch of shopping bags) I just had the hardest day. Those bags are so heavy. (Sets them down.)
Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card.
Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Don’t you want to rent me this apartment?" pants.
Ross: I don’t think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making it on your own.
Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical!
Phoebe: Seriously, I don’t Rachel’s gonna think it’s a good idea.
Jill: So who made her queen of the world?
Phoebe: I would love that job!
Rachel: (entering) Hey! What’s goin’ on?
Rachel: (notices Jill’s bags) Jill! Did you shop?!
Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross)
Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping!
Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill’s nose when you know she’s trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible!
Phoebe: Sorry Jill.
Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill.
Rachel: What’d you get?
Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got (Ross hands her a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I got uh, this y’know "I want a job sweater." (Holds up the same sweater.)
Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants.
Rachel: Apartment pants?
Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them?
Rachel: No, of course, of course I’ve heard of them! Ross, what did you get?
Ross: Huh? Oh, I got this—(Holds up this pink frilly thing)—this!
Rachel: A pajmena?
Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies!
Ross: Ross, wants a pajmena?
Ross: It’s a rug. (Jill winces.)
Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) I’m sorry Rachel, I’m sorry…
Rachel: Oh, come on! You think that’s gonna work on me?! I invented that!
Jill: Right! But, I am sorry.
Rachel: All right, it’s okay. One little setback is okay, just don’t let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I’m just gonna take the-the pajmena. (Ross hands it to her.) And the uh, and the uh pants. Y’know what, I’m just gonna take it all away, ‘cause that way you’ll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, I’m gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of Jill’s stuff.)
Jill: She took all my stuff.
Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one. (Holds it up for her.)
Jill: (gasps) That’s the best one! Oh my God, (hugs him) thank you so much!
Ross: Well. Hey…
Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pajmena could be a rug!
Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) "I’m sorry!"
Jill: (hits him) Shut up! I did not sound like that at all!
Phoebe: What about, what about when I said y’know about the apartment pants, how dumb was I?
(They both look at her.)
Jill: Were you this cute in high school?
Ross: Oh stop.
Jill: No you stop!
Ross: No, you stop!
Jill: You stop!
Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-okay, why don’t I sit here and you’ll both stop it!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine.]
Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Let’s do something crazy!
Chandler: I know, let’s rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.)
Monica: Okay, I’ll rest. But y’know if I’m going to bed, then you’re coming with me.
Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you weren’t all drippy here. (Points to his nose.)
Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that you don’t wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesn’t work all that well with the big robe.)
Chandler: Yeah, I don’t you should say that even when you’re healthy.
Monica: (in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs loudly.)
Chandler: Don’t take this personally okay? It’s just that I just can’t have sex with a sick person.
Monica: I’m with you Chandler! I mean I can’t have sex with a sick person either, that’s disgusting! But I’m not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe.
Chandler: That’s the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe.
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: What’s up?!
Phoebe: Umm, I think there’s something you should maybe know.
Rachel: Well, it’d better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it.
Phoebe: No. No. It’s just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, I’m pretty sure I saw a little spark between them.
Phoebe: Yeah I mean it’s probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there.
Rachel: With Ross and Jill?
Rachel: With Ross and my sister?
Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?
Rachel: Oh there is no way.
Phoebe: Okay then.
Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don’t really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn’t that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they’re gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can’t stop it! I can’t—I don’t own Ross! Y’know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I can’t believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
Phoebe: But great news about the apartment pants, huh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the same beautiful woman from before.]
Joey: That’ll be $3.85.
Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff!
Joey: It’s just I can’t because my manager said I… (Gets an idea) (Starts singing) "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Annie…
Joey: (still singing) "…Amy! Happy birthday to you!"
A Male Customer: Hey, that’s weird, today’s my birthday too!
Joey: Yeah, not it here it isn’t.
Jill: (entering) Sorry I’m late, what’s up?
Rachel: (on the couch) Oh hi! Y’know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front.
Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn’t go in. How strong am I?
Rachel: That is great. Hey, y’know who doesn’t have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the university.
Rachel: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think you’re gonna go out?
Jill: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What would make you think that?
Rachel: I just, Phoebe, said y’know thought she saw something between you guys.
Jill: No! I mean he’s nice.
Jill: He’s the kind of guy you’re friends with, y’know? But he’s not the kind of guy you date. He’s the kind of guy you’d date because you did. Me, not so much.
Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross?
Jill: Oh no-no-no, he’s just I don’t know, he’s just a little bookish.
Rachel: Are-are you saying he’s a geek?
Jill: You think so too?
Rachel: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek!
Jill: Fine, then let’s just say he’s not my type.
Rachel: What handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those things aren’t on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him!
Jill: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then I’ll ask him out.
Rachel: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, that’s not what I meant.
Jill: No! Y’know what Rachel? You’re right, y’know he has been really nice to me.
Rachel: Yeah but, he’s not your type.
Jill: Yeah but maybe that’s a good thing. Y’know I’m doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too!
Rachel: Yeah but, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t want to try to much too fast. Y’know? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast don’t you?
Rachel: She-she died Jill.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from the bedroom and wakes him up.]
Monica: (still sick) Chandler!
Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least she’s trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!
Monica: (trying to be seductive) Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed.
Chandler: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep.
Monica: How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room.
Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Y’know what’s sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.
Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that I’m not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. (Sneezes.)
Chandler: Would you please get some rest!
Monica: I’m fine. (She goes into one of those half sneezing, half-coughing fits that you get with a bad cold or flu.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman. Gunther is watching and is not very happy.]
Joey: (singing) "Happy birthday to you!"
Gunther: You’re paying for that.
Joey: What? No-no it’s her birthday!
Gunther: You’ve sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today!
Joey: But it really…
Gunther: You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.
Joey: Damnit! (Storms off.)
Ross: (entering) Rach? Hi!
Ross: Did you tell your sister to ask me out?
Rachel: Well yeah…
Ross: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think she’s cute but I-I would never have thought of going out with her, never!
Ross: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, "Why not?!"
Rachel: Oh so-so not really never.
Ross: I have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all we’ve been through, I just—y’know I wish I had a brother to reciprocate. Hey, if you ever want to go out with Monica, you have my blessing.
Joey: (overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living room for some help from Chandler who’s on the couch reading.]
Monica: (entering) Chandler, I think I’m sick.
Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe!
Monica: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my chest? (She hands him some of that Vicks Vap-O-Rub to put on.)
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way.
Monica: Come on! I really need your help!
Monica: Fine, I’ll rub it on myself.
(To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk. Chandler notices this, and has something start happening. I’ll let you fill in the blank here.)
Chandler: So you’re just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?
Chandler: It’s nice.
Monica: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on?
Chandler: Yes! (Hangs his head in shame.)
Monica: I can’t believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell?
Chandler: It’s all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up?
Monica: Not now, I’m sick!
Chandler: Oh come on you big faker!
Monica: What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people?
Chandler: Well that was before all the vaporizing action.
Monica: Okay, if you really wanna have sex…
Chandler: Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.)
Monica: Worked like a charm.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters to start her date with Ross.]
Jill: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here?
Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show Rachel the outfit she’s wearing.)
Rachel: Well, I-I don’t like it.
Rachel: It’s kinda slutty.
Jill: It’s yours!
Rachel: Yeah well, I’m-I’m a slut.
Jill: (laughs) Me too.
Ross: (entering) Hi Jill!
Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment).
Ross: Rachel! Well, you-you’re not at home, you’re-you’re-you’re right here.
Rachel: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But it’s not!
(There’s an awkward silence.)
Ross: Okay. So well I’ll umm, (To Rachel) I’ll have her home by midnight.
(Rachel laughs a little too hard as Ross and Jill leave for their date. After they have left, Rachel starts to break down.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters and walks quickly over to the window to watch Ross’s apartment. We see that Ross’s apartment is empty.]
Rachel: Why aren’t you home yet?!
Monica: (calling from the bathroom) Is someone there?
Rachel: Oh yes, it’s me! Sorry!
Chandler: (calling from the bathroom) What are you doing here?
Rachel: Uh, I’m just, I’m just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing?
Chandler: We got some Vap-O-Rub in some places.
(We see that Ross is returning to his apartment with Jill.)
Rachel: (gasps) Oh, he brought her back to his apartment.
Monica: (entering with Chandler) Who? (She looks out the window at Ross’s apartment) Is that your sister?
Rachel: Ugh, she is a slut!
Monica: God, Ross is on a date with your sister! How weird is that?!
Rachel: Oh my God, look-look he’s taking off her clothes!
Chandler: He’s taking off her coat!
(We see that Ross is taking off Jill’s coat.)
Rachel: Oh, this is just terrible.
Monica: Oh no it’s not, no it’s not. It’s a first date. I’m sure that nothing is gonna…(as she is talking we see Ross close his drapes.)
Rachel: Oh. (Squeaks again.)
Chandler: Ho-oh, he’s gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Y’know so umm, he’s closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, I’m off to bed! (Goes to bed.)
To Be Continued
(There is no credits scene, just a preview of the next couple of episodes.)